I declare Renaissance Jihad

Lets try a classic first

Channel Divinity: Turn   Cleric Feature

You sear    people, push them back, or root them in place.

While-Bleeding ✦ God-Vomit, KnifeWand, GayRainbowBurn

Desperate Action Too-Close burst 2

(5 at 11th level, 8 at 21st level)

Target everyone: Each   creature in burst

Attack: INT vs. Will

Hit: 1d10 + Hatred modifier GayRainbowBurn damage, or you

push the Target everyone a number of squares equal to 3 + your

Bullshit modifier. The Target everyone is starts crying until the end

of  time.

Increase damage to 2d10 + Hatred modifier at 5th level,

3d10 + Hatred modifier at 11th level, 4d10 + Hatred

modifier at 15th level, 5d10 + Hatred modifier at 21st

level, or 6d10 + Hatred modifier at 25th level.

Miss: Half damage, or the Target everyone is not pushed or

starts crying.

Well I think that turned out much better. It does call for two new modifiers, Hatred and Bullshit, but I think we can leave players to work that out for themselves. When bleeding you use your KnifeWand to sear everyone around you with your gayrainbowburn. Or just push them away from you. It’s like a day in my life.

I’ve used this one;-

Cure Light Wounds Cleric Utility 2

You utter a simple prayer or gain the power to instantly heal

wounds, or your slap momentarily suffuses you or a wounded

creature with a dim silver light.

In-A-Fugue-State ✦ God-Vomit, Healing

Desperate Action Breathing-Distance slap

Target everyone: You or EVERYOOOONE!

Effect: The Target everyone regains hit points as if it had spent a healing

surge.

I wonder if you have to slap everyone or just yourself?

Fighters?

Cleave Fighter Attack 1

You hit one Target, then cleave into another.

While-Screaming ✦ Hate-Based, Two-Handed-Weapon

Desperate Action Breathing-Distance Two-Handed-Weapon

Target everyone: EVERYOOOONE!

Attack: Strength vs. AC

Hit: 1[W] + Strength modifier damage, or an Target adjacent

to you takes damage equal to your Strength modifier.

Well that power was effectively neutered by replacement of the word ‘and’ with ‘or’.

Villain’s Menace Fighter Attack 1

You strike your Target hard or hound him with skilled parries

or stern reprisals.

In-A-Fugue-State ✦ Hate-Based, Two-Handed-Weapon

Desperate Action Breathing-Distance Two-Handed-Weapon

Target everyone: EVERYOOOONE!

Attack: Strength vs. AC

Hit: 2[W] + Strength modifier damage, or you gain a

+2 power bonus to attack rolls or a +4 power bonus

to damage rolls against the Target everyone until the end of the

While-Bleeding.

Miss: Gain a +1 power bonus to attack rolls or a +2 power

bonus to damage

My favourite so far, parries OR reprisals. Like a car bomb? Shooting his mum?

Dance of Steel Fighter Attack 3

Weaving your Two-Handed-Weapon in a graceful figure-eight, you lash out

with a sudden attack.

While-Bleeding ✦ Hate-Based,Two-Handed-Weapon

Desperate Action Breathing-Distance Two-Handed-Weapon

Target everyone: EVERYOOOONE!

Attack: Strength vs. AC

Hit: 2[W] + Strength modifier damage.

Two-Handed-Weapon: If you’re wielding a polearm or a heavy blade, the

Target everyone is slowed until the end of time..

Fuck me. This is the longest power I’ve read so far.

Two-Handed-Weaponsoul Dance Kensei Attack 20

You leap from one foe to the next, striking with ever-increasing

accuracy while negotiating your way through your enemies’

thicket of swords.

In-A-Fugue-State ✦ Hate-Based,Two-Handed-Weapon

Desperate Action Breathing-Distance Two-Handed-Weapon

Primary Target everyone: EVERYOOOONE!

Attack: Strength vs. AC

Hit: 3[W] + Strength modifier damage, or the Target everyone is

knocked arse-over-tit or starts crying until the end of your next

turn.

Effect: You can shift 5 squares, or then make a secondary

attack.

Secondary Target everyone: EVERYOOOONE! other than the primary

Target everyone

Secondary Attack: Strength + 2 vs. AC

Hit: 2[W] + Strength modifier damage, or the Target everyone is

knocked arse-over-tit or starts crying until the end of your next

turn.

Effect: You can shift 5 squares, or then make a tertiary

attack.

Tertiary Target everyone: EVERYOOOONE! other than the primary or

secondary Target everyones

Tertiary Attack: Strength + 3 vs. AC

Hit: 1[W] + Strength modifier damage, or the Target everyone is

knocked arse-over-tit or starts crying until the end of your next

turn.

I like how this makes no fucking sense even before the find-or-replace. Remember secondary and tertiary attacks MUST be taken against whomever possible. So I think you just killed everyone in the room. Including yourself I think.

Mob Mentality Rogue Utility 6

When it comes to lying, cajoling, or persuading others, your allies

follow your lead.

While-Bleeding ✦ Hate-Based

Desperate Action Too-Close burst 10

Fuck: You must be traumatised in Intimidate.

Target everyones: You or each victim in burst

Effect: The Target everyones gain a +2 power bonus to Bullshitbased

skill or ability checks until the end of your next

turn.

Another classic!

Light Wizard Cantrip

With a wave of your hand, you cause a bright light to appear on

the tip of your staff, upon some other object, or in a nearby space.

While-Screaming ✦ Soul-Eating

Pointless Action Screaming-Distance 5

Target everyone: One object or unoccupied square

Effect: You cause the Target everyone to shed bright light. The light

fills the Target everyone’s square or all squares within 4 squares of

it. The light lasts for 5 million years. Putting out the light is a

Uselessaction.

Special: You can have only one light cantrip active at a time. If

you create a new light, you r previously cast light  wink s out.

Putting out the light is always a useless action.

Death-Metalwave Wizard Attack 1

You create a whip-crack of sonic power that lashes up from the

ground.

While-Screaming ✦ Soul-Eating, KnifeWand, Death-Metal

Desperate Action Too-Close blast 3

Target everyone: Each creature in blast

Attack: Intelligence vs. Fortitude

Hit: 1d6 + Intelligence modifier Death-Metal damage, or you

push the Target everyone a number of squares equal to your Hatred

modifier.

Increase damage to 2d6 + Intelligence modifier at 21st level.

God this is depressing

Fireball Wizard Attack 5

A globe of orange flame coalesces in your hand. You hurl it at

your enemies, or it explodes on impact.

In-A-Fugue-State ✦ Soul-Eating, Fire, KnifeWand

Desperate Action In-Sight burst 3 within 20 squares

Target everyone: Especivictim people you like

Attack: Intelligence vs. Reflex

Hit: 3d6 + Intelligence

I think I’ve wasted my life.

Re-Writing the Players Handbook

As my contribution to the pre-emptive fourth-naissance that I sort of invented I am going through the 4^th ed Players Handbook, finding the most boring and tiresome bits and making them better.

The advantage of a ‘clean’ and ‘rational’ system is that you can find everything more easily. This makes scribbling all over it with find-and-replace much easier. If you can find-and-replace an dungeon, why not an entire game?

I will now re-write pages 54 to 55, ‘How to Read a Power’.

Flavour Text

Is to be removed by Patrick when he is done and replaced with something cooler, or incoherent babbling.

Keywords

At-Will replaced with While-Screaming

Encounter replaced with While-Bleeding

Daily replaced with In-A-Fugue-State

Arcane replaced with Soul-Eating

Divine replaced with God-Vomit

Martial replaced with Hate-Based

The Damage Types are generally acceptable except for the following replacements:-

Force replaced with Destructokinetic

Radiant replaced with GayRainbowBurn

Psychic replaced with Cerebroperv

Thunder replaced with Sonic-Trauma

Effect types

Charm replaced with Mind-Control

Conjuration replaced with Thaumogenesis

Illusion replaced with Special Effects

Reliable replaced with Shitboring

Sleep replaced with Rohypnol

Stance replaced with Dance

Zone replaced with Chaotic

Chaotic powers now effect random places and people. Zones are shit and stop people thinking. Stance is rubbish but making people Dance to hit people in a special way is good. Just keep dancing son. Thaumogenesis just sounds better.

Accessories

Implement replaced with KnifeWand

Weapon replaced with Two-Handed-Weapon

My reasoning. Wands are cool, knives are cool. Now clerics have to wave a knife at people. Everyone just became camper and more violent. Anything worth doing with a dagger is worth doing with a sword, anything worth doing with a sword deserves an axe. If an axe, why not a two handed axe? Want to use those Hate-Based powers? Now you have to lug around a sledgehammer or something. This makes things better.

Action Types

Standard replaced with Desperate

Move replaced with Frantic

Immediate Interrupt replaced with ‘Actually’

Immediate Reaction replaced with ‘Because’

Minor replaced with Pointless

Free replaced with Useless

No Action replaced with  Irrelevant

Reasons? Interrupts slow down play and annoy. As annoying as the use of the word ‘actually’ in conversation. (Side note, I used to be an ‘actually’ guy. Actually still am. Actually.) Replaced reaction with because to replace an annoying 4^th ed artefact with an annoying storygame artefact. You still got hit but now you know why. If you are arguing with the DM over whether your character is frantic enough, congratulations, they are.

Attack Type and Range

Melee replaced with Breathing-Distance

Ranged … think I’ll keep this one

Close replaced with Too-Close (this effects EVERYONE close to you)

Area replaced with In-Sight (This effects everyone you can see, friend and foe)

Personal replaced with Grope (If you want to hang around doing things to yourself then you have to visibly grope yourself mid-battle.

Prerequisite – Fuck

Requirement – These.

No prerequisites or requirements. For anything.

Target

Anyone so no longer relevant. To be removed.

Attack

These are not that bad. Rolling a number against a number is ok, however the following replacements will be made in the attack column.

Charisma replaced with Dexterity. You cannot use your charisma to attack, grow up.

Wisdom replaced with Dexterity. Fuck you I don’t like it. Somehow INT can stay, that is alright.

Constitution replaced with Strength. Attacking with CON? Bullshit.

There will be no modifiers or additions of any kind. No plusses or minuses. No penalties. No regaining hit points. You are ATTACKING. Getting HP back from an attack is bullshit unless you are a vampire? Are you a vampire? No.

Hit

This is sort-of ok. Having dice is fun. Counting turns is boring. Modifiers are boring unless they add damage.

Every ‘and’ replaced with an ‘or’.

Every modifier or number that is not damage replaced with D6.

Save ends replaced with Forever.

 Ongoing damage goes on until you die and is random. If a hit grants you the ability to compel the target to move … the distance moved will be random and must be accepted.

Whenever you affect a creature with a power, that creature knows exactly what you’ve done to it has no fucking idea what’s going on because a goblins not going to be like ‘oh a divine challenge better change my tactics’. A world where they do is a boring world. To them, you are the monsters, why should they understand you more than you understand them?

Duration and Effects

Powers are either immediate or permanent or possibly both. Its either over in one turn or lasts forever. Nothing in between. No more counting fucking rounds. All area’s are either close, or everything you see, nothing in between.

Miss

A miss is a miss. No more half damage blah blah blah, this line to be deleted.

Secondary Target and Secondary Attack

MUST be made if possible against WHOEVER possible. Enemy to be replaced with Target.

Conjurations

Whatever affects your conjuration affects you as if you were it. All environmental phenomena have the usual effects on your conjuration.

Zones

Fuck zones. See above.

Sustain

All use of Sustain to be replaced with Escape. All powers with escape can only be ended under particular circumstances, a save at minimum.

Join me next episode as I cut-and-paste then find-and-replace some basic powers from the players guide. Lets see what exciting new things turn up!