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By Pelor! It is a Staff of Arguing and Fighting!
(This long-and-not-worth-it joke brought to you by Medieval Melodies) |
Greetings! Will and Jon here again for another Failed Magic Items article! We're getting to the end of the Dungeon Master's Guide so we're just trying to power through.
Here we go!
Note: Shield of Missile Attraction and Sword of Vengeance omitted because they're already hella cursed.
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Saddle of the Cadaver
"Wondrous" Item, uncommon
While in this saddle on a mount, you appear to be dead, as if under the effects of a
Feign Death spell. Additionally, your flesh appears to be rotted, as if you've been tied to the saddle for weeks. A nonmagical mount may be frightened by this effect.
Scab of Protection
"Wondrous" Item, very rare (requires attunement)
If you hold this red-colored, fleshy medallion against your skin, it melds onto your flesh, forming a small scab. While you have the scab melded to you, you gain advantage on saving throws against spells. However, whenever you roll a saving throw against a spell, after the spell's effect, you must succeed on a DC 17 Wisdom saving throw or pick the scab off your flesh. Once picked, the scab crumbles into pulp and is destroyed.
Scimitar of Slowness
Weapon (scimitar), very rare
You gain a -2 penalty to attack and damage rolls made with this magic weapon. In addition, if you can make multiple attacks using your attack action, the number of attacks you can make is reduced to one.
Scroll of Prostration
Scroll, rare
Each Scroll of Prostration works against a specific type of creature chosen by the DM or randomly determined by rolling on the following table:
- 01-10 Aberrations
- 11-20 Beasts
- 21-30 Celestials
- 31-40 Elementals
- 41-50 Fey
- 51-75 Fiends
- 76-80 Plants
- 81-00 Undead
Using an action to read the scroll causes you to immediately become prone in reverence if a creature of the specified type is within 60 feet of you. While prone in this way, your speed becomes 0 until the creature is no longer within 60 feet of you. You can attempt to overcome these conditions by using an action to make a DC 15 Charisma check. On a success, you are no longer under the effect of the scroll.
Skipping Stones
"Wondrous" Item, uncommon
This small, perfectly round, smooth stone appears nonmagical at first glance. However, if the stone is thrown at the surface of any liquid, it will propel forward, refusing to sink until it has skipped 1d10 + 10 times on the liquid. If the liquid is too narrow to accommodate the skips, the stone stops skipping on the far side of the liquid. Otherwise, the stone sinks after hitting the correct number of skips.
Scent Shield
Armor (Shield), uncommon
While holding this shield, you have advantage on Wisdom (Perception) checks involving smell. The shield is emblazoned with a symbol of a nose.
Shield, -1, -2, -3
Armor (Shield), uncommon (-1), rare (-2), or very rare (-3)
While holding this shield, you have a penalty to AC determined by the shield’s rarity. This penalty subtracts from shield’s normal bonus to AC.
Slippers of Spiders
"Wondrous" Item, uncommon
These simple shoes appear to be empty when inspected. However, they fill to the brim with spiders when worn. The spiders deal 1d6 poison damage to the wearer, but no more than once per round. Once removed, the spiders mysteriously disappear.
Common Glue
"Wondrous" Item, common
The container for this viscous, milky-white substance has an advertisement written in common ink that claims to be able to form a permanent adhesive bond between any two objects; better even than this item's counterpart, Sovereign Glue. When found, the container contains 1d6 + 1 ounces.
One ounce of the glue can cover a 1-foot square surface. The glue takes 1 minute to set. Once it has done so, the bond it creates can be broken with a DC 8 Strength check. Strangely, after using the glue for the first time a previously invisible message that reads "No Refunds" appears on the container.
Defective Spell Scroll
Scroll, varies
A defective spell scroll bears the words of a single spell, written as a mystical cipher. If the spell is on your class's spell list, you can use an action to read the scroll and cast its spell without having to provide any of the spell's components. Otherwise, the scroll is unintelligible.
Once the spell is cast, the words on the scroll fade, and the scroll itself crumbles to dust.
The level of the spell on the scroll determines the spell's saving throw DC and attack bonus, as well as the scroll's rarity, as shown in the Spell Scroll table.
- Cantrip: Common, Save DC 13, +5 to hit
- 1st: Common, Save DC 13, +5 to hit
- 2nd: Uncommon, Save DC 13, +5 to hit
- 3rd: Uncommon, Save DC 13, +5 to hit
- 4th: Rare, Save DC 13, +5 to hit
- 5th: Rare, Save DC 13, +5 to hit
- 6th: Very Rare, Save DC 13, +5 to hit
- 7th: Very Rare, Save DC 13, +5 to hit
- 8th: Very Rare, Save DC 13, +5 to hit
- 9th: Legendary, Save DC 13, +5 to hit
When cast, nothing goes right for the spell. Roll on the Scroll Mishaps table to determine what happens.
- A surge of magical energy deals the caster 1d6 force damage per level of the spell
- The spell affects the caster or an ally (determined randomly) instead of the intended target, or it affects a random target nearby if the caster was the intended target.
- The spell affects a random location within the spell's range.
- The spell's effect is contrary to its normal one, but neither harmful nor beneficial. For instance, a fireball might produce an area of harmless cold.
- The caster suffers a minor but bizarre effect related to the spell. Such effects last only as long as the original spell's duration, or 1d10 minutes for spells that take effect instantaneously. For example, a fireball might cause smoke to billow from the caster's ears for 1d10 minutes.
- The spell activates after 1d12 hours. If the caster was the intended target, the spell takes effect normally. If the caster was not the intended target, the spell goes off in the general direction of the intended target, up to the spell 's maximum range, if the target has moved away.
Spelling-guard Shield
Armor (Shield), rare
While holding this shield, you have disadvantage on all Intelligence checks, and cannot spell words correctly.
Sphere of the Fear of the Sphere of Annihilation
"Wondrous" Item, very rare
This 2-foot-diameter circle of black papier-mâché looks eerily similar to a hole in the multiverse, hovering menacingly in place.
Upon seeing the sphere, a creature must make a DC 10 Intelligence check. If they succeed, they know about the existence of Spheres of Annihilation, and are under the effect of an
Antipathy spell (Save DC 25) centered on the sphere. Otherwise, the creature assumes it must be a nonmagical black sphere and is under no compulsion to approach or flee from it.
The sphere is stationary until someone controls it. If you are within 60 feet of an uncontrolled sphere, you can use an action to make a DC 5 Intelligence (Arcana) check, as long as you are not frightened by the Sphere and recognize it is magical. On a success, the sphere levitates in one direction of your choice, up to a number of feet equal to 5 x your Intelligence modifier (minimum 5 feet). On a failure, the sphere moves 10 feet toward you.
If you attempt to control a sphere that is under another creature's control, you make an Intelligence (Arcana) check contested by the other creature's Intelligence (Arcana) check. The winner of the contest gains control of the sphere and can levitate it as normal.
Charming Staff
Staff, rare (requires attunement by a bard, cleric, druid, sorcerer, warlock, or wizard)
While attuned to this staff, you are charmed by it. The staff is sentient and can communicate telepathically with you, and asks you for romantic favors such as hugs, kisses, and not using other objects to cast spells. The staff acts as a holy symbol, bardic instrument, or arcane focus, depending on the needs of its wielder.
While charmed by this staff, you can't use any other items to cast spells, including the material components of spells. However, you are immune to charming effects by anything other than the staff. To end your attunement to the staff, you must succeed on a DC 15 Charisma saving throw, after which the staff weeps inconsolably and cannot be attuned to by any creature for 1d6 days.
Staff of Burning
Staff, very rare (requires attunement by a druid, sorcerer, warlock, or wizard)
When any creature touches this staff, they take 1d6 fire damage, but no more often than once per round. If you hold the staff while attuned to it, you gain vulnerability to fire damage.
Staff of Frostbite
Staff, very rare (requires attunement by a druid, sorcerer, warlock, or wizard)
When any creature touches this staff, they take 1d6 cold damage, but no more often than once per round. If you hold the staff while attuned to it, you gain vulnerability to cold damage.
Staff of Harming
Staff, rare (requires attunement by a bard, cleric, or druid)
This staff has 10 charges. While holding it, you can expend one or more charges as an action to cause one of the following effects:
- Spikes and blades jut out from the staff at all angles, dealing 1d8 piercing damage per charge spent to any creature holding the staff. No more than 3 charges can be spent on this action.
- The staff electrifies, dealing 1d6 lightning damage per charge spent to any creature holding the staff. No more than 5 charges can be spent on this action.
- The staff catches fire, dealing 1d4 fire damage per charge spent to any creature holding the staff.
The staff regains 1d6+4 expended charges daily at dawn. If you expend the last charge, roll a d20. On a 1, the staff explodes, dealing 10d4 fire damage to all creatures in a 10 foot radius of the staff.
Staff of Powder
Staff, very rare (requires attunement by a sorcerer, warlock, or wizard)
This staff can be wielded as a magic quarterstaff.
The staff has 20 charges, you may expend a charge to have the staff randomly produce a 30 foot cloud of colorful powder centered on itself, the type and effects of which are listed on the
Powder Table below.
Powder Table (1d8)
- Blue: Heals all creatures within the effected area for 2d4+2 HP.
- Red: Causes all creatures within the effected area to horribly itch for 1 minute. This imposes disadvantage on all attack rolls and saving throws.
- Yellow: All creatures in effected area become confused, as if under the effects of the Confusion spell, for 1 minute.
- Green: All creatures the effected area are cured of all diseases and conditions.
- Orange: Causes searing and prolonged pain upon coming in contact with skin, dealing 1d4 Fire damage per turn for 1 minute.
- Purple: Makes all creatures within the effected area immune to Psychic damage.
- Black: Deals 2d6 Necrotic damage to all creatures in the effected area.
- White: Has the same effect as the Fog Cloud spell.
The staff regains 2d8 + 4 expended charges daily at dawn. If you expend the last charge, roll a d20. On a 1, the staff dissolves. On a 20, the staff regains 1d8 + 2 charges.
Staff of Stinking
Staff, rare (requires attunement)
This staff has 10 charges. When you hit with a melee attack using it, you can expend up to five of its charges. The target immediately has an onset of flatulence, the severity of which depends on the number of charges spent.
- 1 Charge: Small Poot
- 2 Charges: Short Rip
- 3 Charges: Sudden Burst
- 4 Charges: Long Rip
- 5 Charges: Monstrous Blast, the equivalent of a Stinking Cloud spell centered on the creature.
The staff regains 1d6 + 4 expended charges daily at dawn. If you expend the last charge, roll a d20. On a 1, the staff disappears with a rancid toot.
Staff of Stinging Insects
Staff, rare (requires attunement by a bard, cleric, druid, sorcerer, warlock, or wizard)
This staff has 10 charges and regains 1d6 + 4 expended charges daily at dawn. If you expend the last charge, roll a d20. On a 1, a swarm of insects consumes and destroys the staff, then disperses.
While holding the staff, you can use an action and expend 1 charge to cause a swarm of stinging, flying insects to spread out in a 30-foot radius from you. The insects remain for 10 minutes, making the area heavily obscured for creatures other than you. The swarm moves with you, remaining centered on you. A wind of at least 10 miles per hour disperses the swarm and ends the effect. Any creature that enters the area or starts its turn there, including you, must succeed on a DC 15 Constitution saving throw or take 3d6 piercing damage. The insects recognize you as the creature who demanded they perform such a mundane task, and you make this saving throw with disadvantage.
Staff of Adding
Staff, uncommon (requires attunement by a cleric, druid, or warlock)
You can use an action to speak this staff's command word and cause another staff to appear, exactly the same in every way. The staff has no other magical properties, and each new staff must be attuned to separately.
Staff of Maggie
Staff, legendary (requires attunement by a sorcerer, warlock, or wizard)
This staff has 50 charges, and regains 4d6 + 2 expended charges daily at dawn. If you expend the last charge, roll a d20. On a 20, the staff regains 1d12+1 charges.
While holding the staff, you can use an action to expend some of its charges to summon Maggie, a kind old lady who would never hurt a fly. Maggie is considered a being of pure magical energy, and cannot be destroyed or dispelled by anything except a
Disintegrate or
Wish spell. Maggie is willing to help you out, and the limits of her actions are determined by the number of charges spent. Maggie's save DC for these spells is 13.
- 1 Charge: Maggie will get something for you (equivalent of Mage Hand)
- 1 Charge: Maggie will tell your nice friends a message. (equivalent of Message but takes a full round to reach the target)
- 3 Charges: Maggie will stick around and help you with your chores (equivalent of Unseen Servant)
- 5 Charges: Maggie will wait for someone to arrive and deliver a message for you (equivalent of Magic Mouth)
- 10 Charges: Maggie will tell those naughty baddies a story so mind-numbingly boring they can't stay awake (equivalent of Hypnotic Pattern)
- 10 Charges: Maggie will bake you some pies and make iced tea (equivalent of Create Food and Water)
- 15 Charges: Maggie will use gossip and tenacity to find someone for you (equivalent of Locate Creature but takes 1 day to complete)
- 25 Charges: Maggie will go around the party and kiss any "boo-boos" to make them feel better (equivalent of Mass Cure Wounds but takes 1 hour to complete)
- 50 Charges: Maggie invites her friend "Phyllis" over to visit (equivalent of Conjure Celestial, Phyllis is a Couatl in the form of an equally old lady)
Staff of the Worm
Staff, uncommon (requires attunement by a cleric, druid, or warlock)
You can use an action to speak this staff's command word and throw the staff on the ground within 10 feet of you. The staff becomes an earthworm (AC 5, HP 1, Move/Burrow 1 foot per round, no effective attacks) under your control and acts on its own initiative count. By using a bonus action to speak the command word again, you return the staff to its normal form in a space formerly occupied by the worm.
On your turn, you can mentally command the worm if it is within 60 feet of you and you aren't incapacitated. You decide what action the worm takes and where it moves during its next turn, or you can issue it a general command, such as to wriggle furiously or eat dirt.
If the worm is reduced to 0 hit points, it dies and reverts to its staff form. The staff then shatters and is destroyed. If the worm reverts to staff form before losing all its hit points, it regains all of them.
Staff of Wood
Staff, rare (requires attunement by a druid)
This staff can be wielded as a magic quarterstaff.
The staff has 10 charges for the purposes of creating a single log of wood per charge. The log the staff creates is 5 feet long and nonmagical in nature. It appears in an unoccupied space within 5 feet of the staff. It regains 1d6 + 4 expended charges daily at dawn. If you expend the last charge, roll a d20. On a 1, the staff shatters into hundreds of tiny splinters.
Staff of Arguing and Fighting
Staff, very rare (requires attunement)
This staff can be wielded as a magic quarterstaff that grants a +2 bonus to attack and damage rolls made with it. However, any creature (including you) that looks at the staff must make a DC 16 Charisma saving throw. Upon a failure, the creature is charmed by the staff and becomes unreasonably covetous of it and hostile to every other creature for 10 minutes. Once a creature passes the staff's saving throw, it becomes immune to its charm for 24 hours.
Staff of Withholding
Staff, rare (requires attunement by a cleric, druid, or warlock)
This staff has 3 charges and regains 1d3 expended charges daily at dawn.
The staff can be wielded as a magic quarterstaff. On a hit, it deals damage as a normal quarterstaff and it automatically expends 1 charge to cast a Hold spell (either Person and/or Monster) on both you and the target. The DC for the spell is 12 and if either you or the target fail you both are still affected.
Stone of Demanding Earth Elementals
"Wondrous" Item, rare
If the stone is touching the ground, you can use an action to speak its command word and summon an earth elemental, as if you had cast the Conjure Elemental spell. The earth elemental has a seemingly unending list of frivolous and often trivial demands that must be completed by you as fast as possible (i.e. digging a hole, polishing their rocky skin, etc.). Failure to complete these demands will cause the earth elemental to turn hostile toward you and any of your allies. The stone can’t be used this way again until the next dawn.
The stone weighs 5 pounds.
Stone of Bad Luck
"Wondrous" Item, uncommon
While this dull and chipped agate is on your person, you gain a -1 penalty to ability checks and saving throws.
Son Blade
Weapon (longsword), rare (requires attunement)
This item appears to be a longsword hilt. While grasping the hilt, you can use a bonus action to cause a spectral blade to spring into existence, or make the blade disappear. While the blade exists, this magic longsword has the finesse property. If you are proficient with shortswords or longswords, you are proficient with the Son Blade.
The blade itself is sentient and upon being activated for the first time it identifies itself as your somewhat disappointing teenage son. The blade then proceeds to complain about your "parenting" ability and occasionally makes a series of irritating demands (i.e. asking for money, doing its laundry even though it doesn't wear clothes, etc.). The blade's attitude imparts a -1 penalty to all attack and damage rolls made with it.
Sword of Incessant Questions
Weapon (longsword), legendary (requires attunement by a creature with the opposite alignment as the sword)
In the world of Ahneria, only eight of these blades are known to exist. Each is patterned after the legendary sword Murmurime, which is variously translated to "Never Shuts Up". Each of the eight swords has its own name and alignment, and each bears a different gem in its pommel. It's said there was once a ninth sword, but the owner got so fed up with it that they threw it into the bottomless pits of the Abyss.
- Squealer (Emerald) - Chaotic Good
- Blurter (Jet) - Chaotic Evil
- Droner (Amethyst) - Lawful Neutral
- Gossiper (Tourmaline) - Chaotic Neutral
- Tattler (Topaz) - Neutral Good
- Pontificator (Aquamarine) - Lawful Good
- Ranter (Garnet) - Lawful Evil
- Schemer (Spinel) - Neutral Evil
You gain a +3 bonus to attack and damage rolls made with this sword as long as your alignment is the opposite of the sword's. However, the sword constantly belittles your plans and asks you incessant questions about your motivations, imposing disadvantage on all attack rolls, saving throws, and ability checks you make.
Sword of Stealing
Weapon (any sword), rare (requires attunement)
When you attack a creature with this magic weapon and roll a 20 on the attack roll, the heaviest nonliving object on their person is magically teleported into your pocket. This includes armor and weapons.
Sword of Self-Amputation
Weapon (any sword that deals slashing damage), very rare (requires attunement)
When you attack an object with this magic sword and hit, maximize your weapon damage dice against the target.
When you attack a creature with this weapon and roll a 20 on the attack roll, roll another d20. If you roll a 20, the sword files out of your hands and lops off one your limbs, with the effect of such loss determined by the GM. If you have no limb to sever, you lop off a portion of your body instead. Lopping off a body part in this way causes you to take the sword's regular damage plus an additional 4d6 slashing damage.
Sword of Wailing
Weapon (any sword), rare (requires attunement)
When you hit a creature with an attack using this magic weapon, the sword lets out an haunting and deafening wail. All creatures within 30 feet of the sword (including you) must make a DC 10 Constitution saving throw. On a failure, a creature drops to 0 hit points. On a success, a creature takes 3d6 psychic damage. This wail has no effect on constructs or undead.
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Another one down, we're in the home stretch!
Thanks for reading!
