Pirate Generator

In the tradition of such Dunkey classics as Witch Generator and Vampire Generator, we present to you: Pirate Generator. Generate all the things. In the future there is nothing that will not be generated.

click the fight, get a pirate, fight the pirate

Dungeon Generator

So you remember that nifty biome generator we made a while ago. Did that again but dungeons. Change the number in the url to change how many rooms your dungeon has. HAVE FUN.

It's got like 2,400 creature combinations, with 120 adjectives and 20 nouns for each thing in the biome. There are about 120 rooms, 20 for for each room type and 20 general ones. And the NPC generation just completely rocks. THIS IS NOT ENOUGH. For version 2 we'll probably crowdsource a million more rooms from y'all.

Version 1.2 will be first though! It'll let you generate biomes and NPCs and items and dungeon maps and all that separately. Start holding your breath yo.

America Generator

(font size is being fucky in this post. just ignore it I guess)

I have been thinking a lot recently about making a game where you play as colonists in 17th-18th century America, or a fantasy version thereof. This would somehow dovetail with the Comanche thing I wrote about here. Don't know how yet.

What I would ideally like to do is have a sort of dynamic hexcrawl system where the PCs move around the map founding new colonies, watching them grow organically, doing quests to help them along, defending them from the perils of the wilderness and the darkness of the human spirit. The flipside of this would be playing as the natives of the country, hereafter called "Indians", sabotaging the machinery of empire and trying to drive the invaders back into the sea. It would all be a bit like a tabletop version of Civ.

So here is a way of populating a colonial landscape with towns that develop a history over time, characters that interact with one another and a system of quests that naturally spawn and replenish themselves. The big thing it's missing is a way of handling Indians, who need to be exactly as developed in their characterization as the colonists. I'm still trying to figure out how to do that. There's more variety in social organization among the Indians than the colonists - the system below can handle Brazilians or French Canadians with roughly equal fidelity, but I don't have one that does both the Cree and the Maya.

(I'm calling them Indians because literally every source from the era calls them that, using Native Americans would detract way too much from the flavour of the period. What I liked about The Comanche Empire is that it treated Native Americans as basically the same as Europeans, organized differently and in possession of different skills but in many ways doing the same basic shit that Europeans did. I would like this game to capture some of that.)

american colonial history. not pictured: the murdery parts

Ecosystem Generator

Ever wish you could generate a whole landscape and ecology with just a few simple tables, or even an easy-to-use computer program?

Well. Now you can.

I mean it doesn't do everything for you, you still have to figure out what a SKULL DRYAD or an ANTI-GRYPHON or a CANOPTIC EEL might be. But if you can do that you can use this system. Go ahead! I believe in you!

Also thanks Henry for letting us host this on your wubsite. I believe in you also.

hi! i'm eric the canoptic eel, official mascot of this blog

(SKULL DRYADs collect skulls but don't do anything particularly macabre with them, they just like the aesthetic. ANTI-GRYPHONs tunnel as quickly as regular gryphons fly and come bursting out of the earth beneath your feet, bright feathers clogged w/ dirt. CANOPTIC EELs live in canoptic jars and would like to borrow your organs for a while)

Witch Generator

Because you can't have too much of a good thing.

witch me to clickerate a gene

General Aesthetic

1. Old, wrinkled, stubborn and minimalist, wears black
2. Young, pale, attractive, heavy eye makeup, also wears black
3. Obese, jovial, ruddy-cheeked, wears sensible tweed
4. Hunched, emaciated, clad in feathers and animal skins. Sunken, redrimmed eyes
5. Green-skinned, warty, pointy hat, laughs a lot, impossible to take seriously
6. Eleven years old, impossible to not take seriously
7. Hoop-earringed gypsy w/ tarot cards, veils
8. Pipe-smoking leatherfaced ancient w/ gap between teeth for stem. Never moves from rocking chair
9. Smooth-talking lothario w/ top hat, waistcoat, skull painted on face
10. Arrogant sorceress/er w/ ridiculous headgear. Good looks, youth maintained by magic, flickers when under stress.
11. Good witch. Sparkly pink dress, star wand, tiara. Still evil
12. Barely human. Speaks in grunts, filthy, minimal clothing, lopes on all fours. Too many teeth

Cottage

1. Rooster legs. Thatched with black feathers. Capers through forest. If set on fire will panic, smell terrible, run around igniting everything in path
2. Shell of gigantic snail. Snail not happy with situation but can't do anything about it because snail
3. Hewn from bole of giant toadstool by slave-race of gnomes. Cozy as shit
4. On stilts, at bottom of lake. Accessible from beneath. Air pressure keeps water out. Air dank and musty, wood rotten but still miraculously watertight
5. Huge nestlike structure in branches of knotted willow. Rooms oddly shaped but normally furnished. Fire in hearth violet, burns stone instead of wood
6. Gingerbread. Exactly what you would expect a gingerbread house to look like if you left it in the woods for a month. So many ants. So many of them
7. Size of a thimble. Kept on shelf of fearful maiden aunt. Touching it shrinks you down, sucks you in through chimney. Not immediately clear how to get out again
8. At bottom of ravine. Immensely tall, thin. Actually just one enormous chimney over flickering firepit. Smoke is breathing hazard to anyone who's not a witch
9. Cavernous barn. Floor lined w/ hay. Walls lined w/ witch's favourite thing (see Weakness For table) dangling from iron hooks. Smells like animals. No animals though
10. Inside out. Normal cottage stuff, fireplace, kitchen, armchair on outside of house. Untamed wilderness inside. Witch thinks whole world part of her cottage
11. Upside down. Hangs complacently from rocky outcrop or roof of cavern. Smoke from chimney pools on ground below. Witch walks on ceilings for preference, finds it ridiculous, irritating that you don't
12. Witch keeps cottage on back like snail, can curl up, retreat into it. This fills it out to normal cottage size. PCs still in cottage when witch uncurls will be crushed by shrinking rooms

Familiar

1. Least weasel. Lives in witch's sleeve. Did you know there is a part of your neck which, if bitten down hard on, will kill you? The weasel does
2. Shoulder imp. Smug as hell. Literally, I guess. Likes to talk up how powerful witch is and how easily they will destroy you. Secretly fears, despises them
3. White peacock. Can pass through organic matter like Kitty Pryde. If it passes through you it will try to snatch out little bits of your soul with its claws. You can still fuck it up with your sword though, unless your sword is made of bone or something
4. Swarm of bees. Bring her news from all corners of globe. 80% chance witch knows who you are, 40% they know details of your life, 20% they know something embarrassing a bee saw you do once. Also, sting you
5. Faerie dragon. Tiny, pink, adorable. Has miniature horde. No trick, it's not dangerous at all
6. Hermit crab. Lives in human skull. Spoilt - constantly demanding better accommodations
7. Starnosed mole. Child of much larger, more vicious starnosed moles whom it can call for help w/ supersonic vibrations
8. Homunculus made of coagulated witchblood. Can wriggle under doors, jump down throats, possess people. For every day it possesses someone it has a 30% chance to resign as familiar and strike out to follow its own path
9. Arm-length centipede. Two heads, one on each end. One bite acid, one bite alkaline, together they are neutralized
10. Completely ordinary hedgehog
11. Fist-sized toad. Philosopher. Startlingly deep voice, calls you "my dear boy". Pretends to have own agenda but 100% loyal to witch
12. Circular owl. Witch, ahead of curve as usual, has spell that makes you look through its eyes

Physical Peculiarity

1. Shiny black beetles instead of blood. If spilt, beetles will attempt to crawl back inside wounds and sew them up from inside. Might accidentally do this to your wounds instead
2. Immensely long, crooked nose w/ tiny village on bridge. Tiny villagers depend on mucus farming to survive, will beg you not to kill witch
3. Hair is ground-trailing curtain of moss. Animates, but you won't realize that until too late
4. No shadow. This is because shadow is elsewhere, hunting and killing something. Witch doesn't need to eat so long as her shadow eats
5. Foot-long fingernail claws. Rip away memories as well as flesh - for each claw attack, PC loses a spell slot or ability to use skill for rest of day. Player can prevent this by describing semisignificant memory from PC's life that they then lose instead
6. Hole bored in skull, candle stuck in hole. Candle made of witch's own fat, burns perpetually. No other light sources in cottage. Light reveals ghosts
7. Head twisted backwards on neck. Right leg twisted up over back, foot hooked around neck. Hops/crawls everywhere
8. Right leg is pig trotter. Embarrassed about it. Tries to chop it off but it always grows back
9. Long white beard w/ forked, yellowing ends, mind of its own, cruel sense of humour
10. Actually three witches. Roll two more archetypes. Only one eye between them, gets passed around between six empty sockets. Only witch w/ eye can cast spells
11. Clad in mourning, veiled. Face invisible. Actually a skellington. Familiar lives inside skull, is secretly controlling all witch actions 
12. Also a vampire (one day it will be possible to get trapped in a loop of random generators spanning this entire blog)

Favourite Spell (1/day)

1. Flesh to sawdust. Reversible by gathering dust in one place, soaking in enough blood. Hopefully witch has blood
2. Foetus to scorpions. WHOSE BLOG DID I READ THIS ON
3. Ghost geas. Usable on anyone who has died in the last day. Prevents their spirit from dissipating until it has carried out task for the witch. No limits on complexity of task
4. Curse bomb. Anything w/ a soul within 40' of detonation must save or roll on random curse table. Witches have no souls
5. Kafkanate. Target is now a gigantic hideous roach creature. No save. Wears off at rise of next full moon or at witch's pleasure. Witch can cast this spell on itself
6. Speak with moon. Witch can ask moon up to three questions/favours. Moon under no obligation to answer/obey, but generally on good terms w/ witches on account of having no other friends. Can see anything, change phase, fuck w/ tides, dispense lunacy, activate werewolves. Far from omnipotent
7. Heart seed. The witch plants a seed in your heart. If the witch dies before the next sunrise, the seed will blossom into a full-sized copy of the witch, which has all the witch's memories and will come crawling out of your chest like Alien
8. Cloudspoon. Witch urinates into a iron pot, cracks goose egg into urine, sprinkles w/ mint, beats w/ wooden spoon until frothy. This grants them power to control weather. The more violently she beats the mixture the more violent the weather will be. Strokes of spoon control direction, pounding motions call down lightning, etc. Favourite trick is ruining crops w/ hail
9. Thumbnail. All targets in radius shrink to size of witch's thumbnail. Wears off at next sunrise, if PCs can survive that long. Witch can use this power on itself in moments of desperation
10. Rumourgenesis. Witch can spark a rumour in a designated community. Rumour will arise spontaneously, be untraceable to any source. 30% of people will believe it, 30% will be on fence, 30% unconvinced, 10% not have heard it. "PCs are werewolves" a classic
11. Turn awry. Causes all currents to run backward. Rivers, wind, maelstroms, sink drains, blood. The currents of time maybe, if you're feeling saucy enough to keep up with it
12. Syllableed. Witch designates particular syllable. Whenever someone utters that syllable within mile radius of witch they are wracked with sickening cramps as some of their life essence (1d6 hp) is transferred to witch. Lasts until next full moon, syllable can't be changed until then. Works on players also. (might make it whole word if in forgiving mood)

Cantrip (at will)

1. Ghost geas, minor. As ghost geas, but target must have died in last half hour and task must be expressible in three words
2. See through flowers. Marks a flower within witch's visual range. Until rise of next full moon, witch can see through that flower as if it were an eye, make it turn to follow people. Only works on one flower at a time, but can be cast on any flower the witch can see from that flower
3. Animate smoke. Smoke comes alive, develops agenda of its own. Agenda may involve smothering humans, forming pretty rings or just fucking off into the wind to die. Witch can speak smokese
4. Animate toy. Toy comes alive, develops agenda of its own. Agenda involves killing humans 100% of time. Witch probably has four or five animated toys hanging about cottage at any one time
5. Remote milking. Witch gets old rag tied to axe handle, touches it to cow. Later, squeezes the rag, milk comes out, cow's udders are drained. Also works w/ blood maybe?
6. Spontaneous generation. Creates maggots from rotting meat, crustaceans from tidal mud, eels from earthworms, etc. Vermin thus spawned serve witch for hour afterwards then go about lives as normal
7. Soul chain. The witch exchanges bodies w/ the next living thing she touches. Requires attack roll to work. In someone else's body use your mental stats, skills, spells, their physical stats and HP. Witch retains all witch powers but not physical qualities. Name misleading, as witches have no souls
8. Razor leaf. All dead leaves in 100' of witch now have razor-sharp edges. Won't cut witch. Won't move on their own because still leaves. Witch will have to summon the wind, which they can and will do
9. Penetrating sight. Witch can see through walls, clothes, flesh. Can look inside your body to determine what organ is currently killing you. Can also look at your dick. This is 100% authentic Catalan mythology
10. Slippery pole. By greasing any long wooden object (e.g. a broomstick) w/ unguents made from the fat of hanged children, the witch can permanently grant it the ability to fly. Hanged children hard to come by and terms of sorcery dictate you can't hang them yourself
11. Steedspook. Makes any riding animal so terrified that it must make a Fortitude save to prevent its heart from exploding. Animals that aren't horses get extra save. Also works on anyone giving piggyback ride
12. Overfamiliar. Creates d10 copies of familiar. After hour has passed original familiar & all copies turn on each other, start eating each other. Can't be cast again until back down to one

Weakness To

1. Salt water from the deepest part of the ocean. Damages witch as acid
2. The kiss of someone who genuinely loves witch. Kills witch instantly
3. Ladders. Witch cannot pass over or under them
4. Arrows made of mistletoe. Deal double damage. Mistletoe surprisingly hard to make arrows out of
5. Ovens. No, not fire. Ovens that you cook in. Trapping the witch in an oven that's not turned on will burn them as if it was, turning the oven on will shrivel them away in five rounds
6. Compliments. Every original compliment told to the witch (one that they have never heard before in their life) will pierce them as if it were a pitchfork
7. Repentance. If the PCs scourge themselves w/ nettles and make a sincere confession of their sins they will be immune to the witch's spells until the next sunrise, or at least get an extra saving throw
8. Lead. Lead weapons deal triple damage to witch, are unliftably heavy
9. Sunlight. Acts as wall to witch. Physically can't go outside during the day. If roof was removed from cottage, would be slowly crushed
10. Miniature versions of normal things. Daggers, halflings, crossbow bolts get +2 to hit
11. Honesty. You get -1 to hit against witch for every lie you have told since the most recent sunrise, +2 if you haven't told a single one. Witch most vulnerable at dawn. Will target most honest party member first
12. Witch has spread rumor that they can only be controlled by being presented w/ favourite thing. (see Weakness For table). Actually, will shrivel and starve w/out it

Weakness For

1. Fuzzy kittens (may or may not feed them to familiar)
2. Jam tarts (definitely feeds them to familiar)
3. Fiddle music
4. Lovely cups of tea (favourite flavour is hemlock, but likes normal tea also)
5. Honey-roasted grasshoppers (you don't think you'll like them but you will)
6. Fruitcake (the harder the better)
7. Blue cheese (the older the better)
8. Hand-knitted scarves (the longer the better)
9. Babies (the uglier the better)
10. Songbirds drowned in brandy
11. Glass figurines of animals
12. Handsome young men (and/or women, whatever)

Plot Hook

1. Witch has kidnapped unlikeable child. Well-intentioned villagers have assumed mother wants it back, put out reward. Mother will offer another reward if you can get it replaced w/ changeling
2. PC's favourite parent broke their back. Witch healed them. PC now owes witch favour, must perform seemingly impossible task like "make the sun bleed" or witch gets their soul
3. Witch has caught the Devil by the ankle, is keeping him locked in a box. W/out Devil the balance of the world is upset, there can be no evil, nobody can kill animals, cut grass, tell lies. PCs must free Devil. (effect might be localized)
4. Witch can cure sunpox but is not altruistically minded. Local dignitary is wealthy, has sunpox
5. Every Sabbath morning witch comes down to village, yanks out magic fiddle, compels village to dance all day instead of praying and resting. Blasphemy buildup causing minor disasters, minismitings
6. Smouldering fissure letting loose hellbeasties from bowels of earth to prey upon livestock, peasants. Witch has nothing to do with it but is actively attempting to take credit
7. During apprenticeship, witch betrayed master, stole their staff of immortality, left them as wizened and immobile mummy in out-of-the-way location. PCs stumble across mummy, are promised grand and terrible boon if staff can be retrieved
8. Witch's familiar stolen from magical menagerie. Proprietors would like it back
9. Village children all fear witch, none of the adults believe in her. Witch is kidnapping adults and replacing them w/ demonic doppelgangers. Is in disguise as mean schoolteacher
10. Witch wants a soul so they can get into Heaven, wreck the place. Must be a particularly virtuous soul. Will pay handsomely for it. If any PC is particularly virtuous they may find themselves on the receiving end of this
11. Particularly fine instances of witch's favourite thing (see Weakness For table) going missing county-wide. Consortium of folk bands/wine importers/terrified mothers wants you to look into it
12. Witch hunters rampaging around countryside burning innocent old ladies, have quota to fill, won't stop until actual witch is captured and presented to them

Vampire Generator

click here to make a vampire maybe???

(you're not allowed to read this post unless you are also listening to this vampire song. i'm sorry. deal with it though)

General Aesthetic

1. Decadent aristocrat. Lord Byron, Elizabeth Bathory, the Earl of Rochester
2. Brutish cod-medieval warchief. Vlad Dracul, Ivar the Boneless, Khal Drogo
3. Pale, obese slug-thing that never sees light. Baron Harkonnen, Judge Holden, William Howard Taft
4. Ethereal, androgynous starcreature. David Bowie, Tilda Swinton, Elric of Melnibone
5. Swaggering, brokentoothed anarchist. Tank Girl, Sid Vicious, Shane MacGowan
6. Handsome, amoral ladykiller. Casanova, James Bond, Don Draper
7. Evil clown. Hop-Frog, Pennywise, the Fool from King Lear
8. Genteel academic. Stephen Fry, Stephen Strange, Hannibal Lecter
9. Gibbering lunatic. Caligula, George III of England, Tom O'Bedlam
10. Ageless preteen. Little Nemo, the Childlike Empress, Alice Liddell
11. Hideous batfaced thing that should not be. Charles II of Spain, the Elephant Man, Shane MacGowan again
12. Lovable waistcoated caricature. Count Chocula, Otto von Chriek, the Count (who likes to count)

Henchpersons

1. Three beautiful, utterly devoted thrall-brides of whatever gender
2. Spider-eating prophetic madman who will eventually graduate to cannibalism
3. Tongueless bald colossus w/ scimitar
4. Scuttling hunchback w/ extensive surgical repertoire, ability to get anything at any time, questionable loyalty
5. Sycophantic, exquisitely-dressed albino manservant. Has identical twin. You will not find this out until too late
6. Foursome of horn-helmeted, perpetually drunk berserkers, tired of life of luxury, spoiling for combat
7. Enslaved genius debate-partner, kept in cage, must win chess games to earn bread
8. One-eyed, slobbering kennelmaster w/ legion of black dogs
9. Wobbly, opiated pervert, kept around for unparalleled skill in concocting, organizing, new and more resplendent deviations
10. Mysterious chevalier, visor down, holy symbol on shield, bound to vamp for unclear reasons
11. White tiger
12. Enormous snake. No, bigger than that

Retinue

1. Simpering, periwigged courtiers all hoping for advancement to vampiric status in own right
2. Capering, howling maniacs in chains, straitjackets. White-clad keepers in masks and heavy gloves
3. Lounging courtesans of whatever gender, clad in wisps of silk. Faces veiled. Funny smell
4. Animal skin-clad thugs w/ improvised weapons, no indoor voices. Fights constantly breaking out
5. Obsequious servants, constantly underfoot. Frequently butchered by vamp for minor missteps
6. Battalion of bureaucrats. Reams of paperwork to be filled out before vamp is even seen
7. Coterie of thieves, unwashed, pragmatic. Alliance w/ vamp uneasy. Dissension in ranks, but thieves' leader determined to stay the course
8. Star-struck fancult. Consider themselves barely worthy to touch vamp. Always raving about its latest exploits
9. Whole evil circus. Clowns, acrobats, strongmen, firebreathers. None have long-term memory
10. Pentinents, monks, flagellants in orgy of self-mutilation. Castle goes through daily cartload of hair shirts, spiked chains, whips
11. Ordinary human children
12. Wolves

Castle

1. Gilded, ornate, rococo. Art collection, hall of mirrors, ballroom. Poorly-maintained, mirrors cracked and gold tarnished
2. Damp, boggy, half-sunken into moat. Mosquitoes, croaking of toads inescapable
3. Craggy and gothic. West wall collapsed long ago, now mass of rubble and ivy
4. Star fort. Unadorned, practical, eminently defensible
5. Seems to be 90% torture chamber. Above-ground part burnt down a long time ago. Still smells faintly of ash and blood
6. Cod-oriental pleasure palace. Segregated women's quarters, geometrically complex wall decorations
7. Two very tall towers w/ bridge connecting them. Tiny little courtyard. Still technically a castle
8. Crumbling country house. Eyes of portraits may or may not follow you. Not a castle, but vamp will call it one anyway
9. Surprisingly extensive tomb complex beneath local graveyard. Also not a castle
10. Furnished, legally-rented mansion in heart of city's most fashionable district. Aggressively not a castle
11. Private suite of rooms in habitation of befriended local dignitary/monarch. May or may not be in a castle
12. Pirate ship

Attitude To PCs

1. Hungry. Will kill, eat on sight
2. Not interested. Will turn away at gates
3. Bored enough to invite in for dinner, delay murder long enough for conversation
4. Actively searching for new people to talk to. Will seek out, kidnap the lively and intelligent
5. Party in full rage, crashers welcome. Vampire blind drunk and unpredictable
6. Hungover. 50% chance to either dismiss or murder anyone who shows up without a cure
7. Socially awkward. Wants to lure into castle and devour, but uncomfortable w/ making conversation
8. This vampire wants to fuck. It is a vampire that wants to fuck
9. Just ate, in brief period where not hungry, can behave like normal person for like five seconds
10. Wracked with guilt over being vampire, flagellating self, others. Will beg party's forgiveness for crimes they've never heard of
11. So absorbed in difficult logical/aesthetic problem that not thinking about eating people. Wants help w/ crossword puzzle or symphony it's writing
12. Just read amazing book and wants to tell someone all about it

Powers (roll two) (or as many as you want I guess I'm not your boss)

1. Reads minds at will, dispenses one-word suggestion 3/night
2. Permanent charm effect, must make Will save not to like and trust it
3. Can shapeshift 3/night into wolf, bat, swarm of centipedes
4. Can shapeshift 3/night into cloud of choking mist
5. Controls weather at will, but slowly. Takes full hour to go from clear skies to raging storm. Can choose location of next lightning strike with 50% accuracy
6. All vermin within 50' do its bidding and act as an extension of its body
7. Turns invisible at will
8. Can lift and throw up to 50 pounds telekinetically, at will
9. Can cast fireball 3/night, has no vampire weakness to fire
10. Ghost of anyone it kills becomes bound to it forever. Can have up to 3 ghost servants active at one time
11. Flies
12. Can never be permanently killed, ever

Weaknesses (besides fire, stakes, beheading, all of which work on all vampires)

1. Can't cross running water
2. Can't enter a private home unless invited
3. Poisoned by silver
4. Poisoned by garlic
5. Poisoned by lemons
6. Poisoned by charcoal
7. Physically cut and bludgeoned by the laughter of children. Any child old enough to understand that you need it to laugh on cue is too old to work for this
8. Pick a symbol at random. Could be a crucifix, an ampersand, a corporate logo, whatever. Vamp terrified of that symbol
9. Can't eat or drink anything that isn't blood, or will vomit copiously and compulsively
10. Must sleep all day in dirt it was originally buried in. Guards dirt jealously. Has lost maybe a couple spoonfuls over years, wants them back
11. Can only derive nourishment from blood of certain kind of person - virgins, monarchs, geniuses, etc.
12. Allergic to blood of particular kind of person, must avoid them at all costs

Personality Traits

1. Won't kill an intellectual equal until it has proved to its satisfaction that it is smarter than they are
2. Won't kill anyone it finds attractive before making a serious attempt to convince them to become a willing victim
3. Has something to prove. Will accept any challenge or dare, except obviously stupid ones like "I dare you to kill yourself". Not an idiot.
4. An idiot
5. Insanely vain. Won't kill a flatterer so long as it believes their flattery authentic
6. Desperately paranoid. Will ally with weaklings if they can convince it there exists a greater threat
7. Insufferably pompous. Needs somebody to talk down to, will keep people alive for that reason
8. No social skills. Made deeply uncomfortable by even casual conversation. Rather be eating people. Lonely but unwilling to do anything about it
9. Too many social skills. Demands conversation, attention, high-energy party atmosphere. Gets morose and depressed if alone for too long. Finds that constantly having to eat people cramps its style
10. Agoraphobic. Finds it hard to leave castle
11. Claustrophobic. Finds it hard to stay in castle
12. Likes to count. If presented with more than 1000 of a thing, must make Will save, or can't do anything else until it knows exactly how many of them there are. Gets Will save every time this is disrupted, like if you kick away the grains of rice. Any attempt to game this rule, e.g. by pointing out that there's more than 1000 stars in the sky, automatically fails and the vampire gets an attack of opportunity on whoever made it

Plot Hook

1. Vampire possesses only extant map of Hell
2. Only heir of local dignitary fallen in love w/ vampire, plans to marry them. Dignitary not keen, as vampire infertility would mean end of their lineage
3. Official vampire-slaying arm of local religious organization outsourcing work on the downlow. Lower echelons rebelling against pressure from higher-ups to live and let unlive
4. Renegade historian w/ axe to grind against imperial college seeks new primary source for bygone era, bodyguards to guarantee she survives interview
5. Vampire's influence in local politics waxing, thinks self vastly important, still no more than nuisance to real movers and shakers, who will send real assassin if you fail
6. According to tavern rumours, vampire's henchperson has treasure map tattooed on stomach
7. Vampire ambassador from vampire kingdom on other side of globe/moon. Must be shielded from religious agitators until diplomatic mission complete lest the Prime Vampire declare Vampire War
8. Eccentric gourmand will pay handsome sum for elfblood pudding direct from vampire kitchen
9. Vampire owes enormous gambling debt to local crimelord who in turns owes the money to someone else, feels like idiot for lending to vampire
10. Architect seeks precise blueprints of vampire's castle in order to reconstruct for wealthy client
11. Vampire's parties last all night, warlock in next castle over has noise complaints
12. After night of carousing PCs wake up in heart of castle, must escape alive, not get distracted by possibility of stealing shiny things

Shitty Peasant Village Generator

village

A shitty peasant village is economically unviable without the following four things:

• Tavern
• Blacksmith
• Market
• Granary

The tavern is not just there because RPG cliches. It's there because clean water is not always in ready supply and your shitty peasant villagers will need something fermented to drink. In an Asian setting you might substitute a teahouse. It's also an important social centre, of course, but honestly if clean water is in ready supply you might just leave this out altogether and fuck with your players. "We go to the inn!" "There... isn't one." I would include a random tavern name generator but honestly fuck you, do it yourself or hand over your DM badge forever.

The blacksmith mostly does horseshoes and ploughs. He will not forge you a magic sword. He might forge you a bad, boring sword that will break after two hits. His job is to make equipment for subsistence farming, not to subsidize the parasitic adventurer economy.

The market is the reason there even is a village and not just a collection of subsistence farms. A town is a hub. It exists because farmers need somewhere central to meet other farmers. If no farmer had ever thought, shit, pumpkins are tasty, O'Gillicutty has pumpkins but he doesn't have any milk, villages would not exist. There will be a regular day for the market and people will look forward to it. If they don't have a religiously-mandated rest day their whole concept of what a week is is likely to be based around it. The Igbo people of Nigeria have four-day weeks and markets that cycle around different towns, for example. If I'm remembering Things Fall Apart right, which I might not be. You are highly unlikely to find any magic jewelry at the market.

The granary ought to be self-explanatory. People like to not starve, even in times when they can't grow food. I don't know why this is such a big deal but there it is.

Most people don't live in the village, they live on their farms and come to town occasionally. They might own their own land like some communist utopia or they might lease it from a local lord whose qualifications for the job are that he is able to pay a bunch of men with swords from the money he gets from their leasing it. Or something even shittier. If you can come up with a shittier way to run a society than the feudal system I would love to hear it. Villages probably have 10-50 people living in them and 100-500 people depending on them, but I just made that up and didn't research it or any of this in the slightest.

now with more being a generator!

Villages have to be interesting somehow. That is where these tables come in.

Local Landmark

1. Unusually good tavern. Serves spicy dragon stew, attracts storytellers, adventurers, bards
2. Unusually talented blacksmith. Fought in old war. Owns magic sword, unwilling to part with it
3. Unusually popular market. Attracts gypsies, tinkers, curiosities
4. Secret dungeon beneath granary
5. Library
6. Church
7. Castle w/ lord in it
8. Castle w/out lord in it. Half-ruined
9. Graveyard
10. Town hall. Run by council of burghers
11. Bridge over otherwise hard-to-cross river
12. On edge of probably-evil forest
13. Monster lairs in nearby cave
14. Ancient standing stones
15. Chalk man w/ huge penis carved from hillside
16. On stilts, in swamp
17. By the sea
18. Sinkhole
19. Wishing well
20. Rock shaped like king's head. Not any particular king. Just has kind of a beard shaped thing and looks regal. Said to cure diseases

Important NPC

1. Eccentric wizard, does experiments
2. Retired mercenary captain
3. Ascetic on pillar
4. Highwayman in hiding
5. Noble's spouse in last days of secret pregnancy
6. Blind, prophetic beggar
7. Feebleminded, pompous mayor
8. Aggressive, pedantic town guard
9. Company of actors passing through
10. Clergyman exiled for too many venial sins
11. Venerable old sea captain
12. Ratcatcher w/ rat-commanding pipes
13. Elf prince slumming it, thinks himself brilliantly disguised
14. Ambitious second son of merchant family on unimportant secret mission
15. Enormous prize pig. Twice size of normal pig
16. Precocious child, follows party around, wants to know everything about them
17. Vampire hunter
18. Rival adventuring party
19. Half-ogre tavern keeper
20. Irritating, persistent bard

Terrible Secret

1. Important NPC secretly werewolf
2. Important NPC secretly vampire
3. Worships old gods, sacrifices strangers
4. Everyone is ghosts. PCs wake up in morning, village not there
5. Tavern serves guests in pies
6. Blacksmith is a war criminal
7. Site of goblin market every full moon
8. Town leaders hiding that granary is mostly empty
9. Hiding place for Robin-Hood-esque populist thieves
10. Old miser died recently, left cryptic clues to treasure
11. Feud between two families threatens to tear village apart
12. Harbours religious heresy, on guard against disguised inquisitors
13. Livestock keep giving birth to deformed monsters
14. One white crow you keep seeing everywhere
15. Ale watered down
16. Prices tripled for adventurers
17. Have one big lie that they all tell to strangers, like dropbears
18. Just burnt a witch, then figured out she wasn't a witch
19. In initial stages of plague outbreak
20. News of monster attacks being suppressed over concerns about tourism

There's no real reason you couldn't have e.g. two important NPCs or no local landmark, but just from testing it out I think these probably work best if you roll one of each. You could make the secret dungeon one of the Zelda ones! Kids love that shit. Also I love the idea that one in every twenty villages is secretly ghosts.

i'm so spoopered i can barely think straight

Random Zelda Minidungeon Generator

Amuse your friends! Populate your hexcrawls! Tantalize your enemies! Punch your skeletons!

pic related

Entrance is

1. Beneath boulder
2. Behind mass of cobwebs
3. Behind mirror
4. Behind wall of ice
5. Behind wall of fire
6. Behind wall of cracked clay
7. Behind waterfall
8. Behind locked door
9. Though crawlspace
10. At bottom of well
11. At bottom of lake
12. At bottom of empty grave
13. In mouth of giant fish
14. In hollow tree
15. In heap of dead leaves
16. In heap of loose sand
17. In ornate vase
18. Up hard-to-climb slope
19. Atop ivy-covered cliff
20. Open only at sunset

Roll 1d3+1 for number of rooms. Each room contains:

1. Four sleeping goblins
2. Four watchful goblins
3. Ghost hiding in one of four portraits
4. Fat orc w/ weak point on back
5. Giant spider w/ human face on back, weak point on stomach
6. Skeleton knight
7. Lizardman knight
8. Four stationary plant monsters that grow back in 1 round unless killed simultaneously
9. Firebats
10. Electrified ooze
11. Ooze that eats shields
12. Ooze that turns to stone on exposure to light
13. Disembodied hand that wants to drag you into another dimension
14. Four statues, two of which are secretly alive
15. Laser eyeball on pedestal
16. Giant, irritable bird
17. Animated wizard robe w/ bird mask, wizard powers
18. Mummy w/ paralyzing screech
19. Nothing
20. Nothing

and:

1. Bridge over pit w/ razor pendulums
2. Icy floor
3. Knee-high water
4. Wooden platforms across lake
5. Ice platforms across lake
6. Fast-flowing river that takes you out of dungeon
7. Switch that raises and lowers water level in whole dungeon
8. Fishing hole
9. Metal platforms across lake of magma
10. Jets of flame from cracks in wall
11. Quicksand
12. Giant fan blowing you into pit
13. Exploding flowers
14. Smashable vases, one w/ fairy in it
15. Magic fountain, heals you once
16. Sunbeam, light-sensitive switch
17. Hidden chest w/ extra reward. Roll again on entrance table
18. Roll again on monster table
19. Roll again on monster table
20. Nothing

Your reward is:

1. Insultingly small amount of money
2. Large amount of money in a form you can't conveniently carry
3. Grappling hook
4. Boomerang
5. Fire arrows
6. Mirror shield
7. Iron boots
8. Fishing rod
9. Slingshot
10. Bottle of milk, heals drinker
11. Bottle w/ fairy trapped inside
12. Telescope
13. Warhammer
14. Jar of wind
15. Mask that lets you read the minds of dogs and stones
16. Mask that makes you run faster
17. Mask that lets you never sleep
18. Mask that makes the children of the forest accept you
19. Wind-up mechanical mouse that explodes
20. Compass

pic not related

Test dungeon:

Entrance is behind a wall of fire

3 rooms

1st contains metal platforms across a lake of magma
2nd contains quicksand and four statues, two of which are secretly alive
3rd contains a giant fan that blows you into a pit and four plant monsters that must be killed simultaneously

Your reward is a mask that lets you read the mind of dogs and stones.

Then you draw up a map and make it all thematically relevant. So the quicksand is boiling mud, the plant monsters are sulphurous albino cacti, the fan tries to blow you into the mud while the cacti spit sulphur at you and spiky obsidian idols come at you with tomahawks, but if you get the mask from behind the fan you can read their minds and learn why they hate you. You'll figure it out.

pic related again

Ghostships

Hey look I stole a post from Patrick Stuart and then made it about viking ghost ships. All of the below ships died along with crew and captain, and now they're back to give you a friendly deathhello!

Click here to make your own ghost ship!

 

Hull

    3.   The broken bones of a thousand cowards. The ship itself cows from storms and violence.

    4.   Splintered, waterlogged wood. Held in the depths for far too long before raising.

    5.   Great rents line the sides of the ship. Thick ichor pools on the deck; the blood of the beast that slew this vessel.

    6.   Only half a ship, just barely skimming above the surface of the water. Will sink if becalmed.

    7.   A mangled fusion of two hulls. Sheer bulk carries this tangled mess through the water.

    8.   The burnt wood of the hull is strangely smooth. Clouds of ash eddy off the deck.

    9.   Moaning corpses are strapped to an approximation of a hull. Fragile, but spare parts can always be hunted.

    10. Tarry planks leaking black oil, staining the sea with the passing of the ship.

    11. Jagged spurs burst forth from every inch of the hull. Dead fish and whale entrails hang from the spines.

    12. Oaken boards frozen hard as rock. A gaunt mane of ice hangs from the gunwales.

    13. Great bands of rusted iron entomb this vessel; a ribcage around the bilge.

    14. The broken bones of a thousand warriors. No mere storm can break this hull.

    15. The planks of this ship pulse with unnatural life, twisting underfoot. The vessel hungers.

    16. Coursing with gravelight. St Elmo's fire gutters along the waterline and steals the sight of those that stare too long.

    17. A flowing hull of impure gold. Veins of mercury swim beneath the surface, sewing up cracks.

    18. The cruel curve of a leviathan skull cuts the water and leaves hungry currents in its wake.

Mast & Sails

    3.   Three mammoth's tusks hastily lashed together. The heavy mast shifts unsteadily.

    4.   A single oaken trunk. The sails are stained with algal blooms and slough water in all weather.

    5.   The sails flap weakly, great tears across their length. One large tooth remains embedded in the main-mast.

    6.   Only a sharp spike remains where the mizzen-mast once stood, torn away in some past battle.

    7.   Thick folds of sail hang doubled over the forking masts. The rigging is a jungle of rope.

    8.   When catching wind the burnt sails fill out with dark smoke, pouring streamers into the sky.

    9.   Tanned skin is stitched together for the sails. Thin runes are etched along the lines of scars.

    10. The sails hang thickly with black ooze, flicking tar as they buffet in the wind.

    11. Splinters cut out from the mast, little chunks of dead things caught in these spines and rigging.

    12. Frozen in shape, the sails twist tortuously about the sleet-swept mast.

    13. The mast is a solid lug of iron, thick nails holding fast the beaten-copper sails.

    14. This sailcloth is a treasure among sailors, cut by the souls of damned shipwrights. The mast is a giant's shinbone.

    15. The rigging hangs in nooses, grasping at the necks of boarders and dragging them into the nest of rope.

    16. The sails are visible only in moonlight, and becalm those that sail aft of this vessel.

    17. The mast is a gleaming rod of amber. The sail cut from a single piece of purest cloth.

    18. Membranous wings flap in place of sails, digging into the wind and propelling the ship toward its prey.

Figurehead

    3.   A pile of rotting skulls, nailed haphazardly across the bow. Shatter readily on impact.

    4.   Soft wood, shaped to a hippocampus' head, breaks away on impact and floods the struck vessel.

    5.   Lined with the teeth of some great beast, dripping with caustic venom.

    6.   A gaping maw in the hull that cuts into rammed ships. Bites deep into the enemy ship but fractures heavily on use.

    7.   Forking sharply to shape a wolf and a hawk, this chimera can ram twice before needing repair.

    8.   Blackened wood outlines the head of a dragon. Drips sparks at rest and spits flame when in use.

    9.   A hundred disembodied arms reach out to grasp at anything that strays too close.

    10. A pale leech forms the figurehead, spewing thick, flammable oil on impact.

    11. Twisting spikes like the shell of some deep beast. Fly off to pierce hearts and eyes when struck.

    12. A great hunting horn. When blown, unleashes a chill, biting wind and rains sleet on enemies.

    13. The stern head of a ram, striking with unerring force. This cold iron cannot shatter.

    14. The figurehead is a great claw, slamming down on the enemy ship to let the crew board readily.

    15. The plain wooden prow curls like a tree branch. Will grow its roots into a rammed ship, eating it alive.

    16. The figurehead is a mermaid. Arcs of green lightning leap forward hungrily from dead eyes.

    17. A stoic mask of gold. Slammed into a ship, its dull chanting shakes the hull to pieces.

    18. The beak of an ancient beast. Cuts steel as readily as water, and feeds off the death of ships.

Crew

    3.   Mewling weaklings dragged to a fate they do not want. Will swarm like rats when threatened.

    4.   Once-strong sailors, their power sapped by years beneath the waves. They bleed salt water.

    5.   Missing limbs and chunks of flesh. They wield spines and teeth and claws, harvested from their devourer.

    6.   Stitched together from pieces of different warriors. Always off balance, though they strike with great force.

    7.   Sickly, many-limbed mutants. Wield two weapons each, and the first-mate has two heads.

    8.   Charred skin aching as they swing axes and flaming brands. Will burn all prisoners alive.

    9.   Each has sacrificed a body-part to the ship, and knows their vessel like the back of their hand.

    10. Drowned in tar, they spew thick ooze on death. Fight with heavy cudgels and small hammers.

    11. Pocked with arrows, their bones growing through their skin. Aching to keel-haul someone.

    12. Must break from the ice binding them to the deck, but their blue skin is harder than leather.

    13. Metal plates are riveted to their bones. They wield shovels and pliers with deadly skill.

    14. Raised warriors, fighting with the skill of the living and killing with the apathy of the dead.

    15. The ship has no crew, and needs none. The deck bucks the unwary and living cargo topples on intruders.

    16. The ghosts of those that do not know they are dead. Fight with utter determination, and willful ignorance.

    17. A menagerie of exotic sailors. Jugglers, witch-doctors, strongmen, otherlings. Each kills in a different way.

    18. A crew of clones, all devout in their mission. They will raise their progenitor from the depths and drown the world.

Captain

    3.   A mouldy, lifeless skeleton slumps in the captain's chair. The crew's 'orders' were but their own madness.

    4.   The captain's quarters are a staircase to the bilge. A scummy pool of seawater hosts the waterlogged skeppare.

    5.   Flesh slews off their bones, half melted in the stomach of the fiend that ate them.

    6.   The captain has been hewn in two. They swing from the rigging like a demented ape, screaming at foes and crew alike.

    7.   Two ship-masters have been fused into a thick ball of agonised flesh, both heads nattering at each other incessantly.

    8.   Their burnt flesh crackles as they move. Hair and eyes are consumed by pale flames.

    9.   A cat of nine-tails loops off the exposed bone of their left forearm. Their missing hand is shackled to the ship's wheel.

    10. Thick tar coats the captains hair and blade, oozing slowly from the corners of their mouth.

    11. A spear runs messily through the skeppare's guts, tip rising from between their shoulder blades.

    12. A cold iron mallet is held in a frozen grip. Ice cakes their hair and forms where their bare feet mark the ground.

    13. A hollow suit of steel commands the crew with sightless stares. The suit fights bare-knuckled, spiked gauntlets raised.

    14. The captain is a true draugr, brought back to this world by will alone. Dark magic writhes around them.

    15. The ship is its own captain. The rudder turns on its own whims; to win the vessel you must prove yourself its better.

    16. Curlicues of light outline the form of an old pirate, flickering across the deck, ghostly broadsword in hand.

    17. Jewels and silk drape the ship-master's form. They have sailed for a hundred years and plundered heaven itself.

    18. They stand in silence absolute. They are the spawn of Calypso and of Kraken. Beware.




So you can roll 3d6 for each ship 'stat' and then.... figure out some kind of actual ship combat system? Or just roll a d16 and.... hmm. Make a d16 out of balsa wood and go for gold?? Or yeah, read all the 8's together and make your party fight a ship full of damned slavers, burnt in the fires of their branding. Whatever floats your longboat.


Of course, rolling 3d6 for a whole bunch of ghost ships doesn't actually make a lot of sense. Though, yes, you won't be overwhelmed with leviathan harbinger vessels, you're going to end up with a lot of tar-covered, burnt-out spike-ships and the charm will rapidly wear off. Mostly it was nice to have a writing prompt that forced me to try to build a sense of scale into the ship archetypes I developed.

I guess if you wanted to develop one of these systems for real use you'd have to flesh the central entries out with boring variations on wood selection and tracery. Probably interesting once you start looking at wikipedia articles, but not really the kind of aesthetic hook a player might be hunting for.

Still, maybe next time I'll give the generator actual weighted probabilities for making an adventurer be true to their stats. Thanks for reading!