2025 was an eventful year for me, to say the least. While I did very little music-wise, a lot happened in my personal life. The most significant event would probably be moving out in the summer after a lot of time contemplating whether this was the right decision. 

If I had some takeaways in 2025, it was that it takes multiple actions over a long period of time to see people as they are. Secondly, it’s learning that a person’s abusive actions are not 24/7. Abusive people can love and be caring, but their actions will still scar you. Sometimes, you can still love them and when you’ve grown up with them your whole life, it’s the only thing you know. 

(WARNING: I will be going into some detail on certain instances of abuse - I’ll note the exact section when it comes.)

Here are some key moments that happened in my 2025. 

Music

I might as well start with all the music I did, since I didn’t do much this year. 

DON’T FLIP THE DOOM CARD OST

I released one soundtrack, which was for the browser game DON’T FLIP THE DOOM CARD. Technically I made the music in 2024, but the game and its OST were not released until January 2025. The game was probably the most played out of all the music I made for games on Newgrounds. It was fun creating a soundtrack where the request was to make it as explicitly MIDI-orchestral sounding as possible, though I had a lot of challenges where I overthought a lot of the processes. I really need to stop worrying and overthinking “perfection”, which was probably my biggest obstacle. 

Ignis Nautilus

In November, I decided to participate in the collaboration album on the PxTone server for Star of Providence/Astronautilus remixes. This gave me the chance to thoroughly listen to both soundtracks and pick out tracks that stuck out to me. I really wanted to pick a track from each game and remix them together in a medley/mashup sort of remix style track. I also took a chance to play around with vocalization filters, which I really enjoyed working with. 

https://pxtunes.bandcamp.com/album/starseeker-astronautilus-vs-star-of-providence

And now, for some months in review...

January

Dieting

The month of January starts with a diet - a standard New Year’s resolution. But this one was like a “trial” diet that I was recommended after seeing a naturopath for a bad case of eczema on my hands. I took a blood test at the naturopath’s recommendation to see which foods I presented high amounts of antigens for, then I was recommended to avoid those foods. This included things like wheat, white rice, soy, salmon, dairy, certain nuts, eggs, celery, oranges, plums and potatoes. Oddly, it did NOT include any meat (besides some seafood). 

This was a huge change that I definitely struggled with, especially when the naturopath recommended only getting organic items. I tried this, then gave up on organics after a couple of weeks - the cost was drastically high and it seemed like there wasn’t really a lot of benefit to eating non-organic produce vs. organic, the former of which I had eaten pretty much all my life. I was eating a lot less and feeling quite hungry as a result, even when considering the snacking options. I wasn’t even allergic to the foods - it was just me trying to see if this would help my skin at all. I also was living with my family at the time - parents and siblings - so it was a bit of a challenge having to cook something separately and watch everyone else eat the things I was used to eating all the time. 

I pretty much dropped the diet after January, but I retained a few things from it - switching to water instead of milk to drink with dinner and eating quinoa over white rice. Kind of surprising that I kept drinking milk with dinner for so long. I was worried I would get calcium deficiency, but I learned that a lot of calcium actually comes from vegetables, which I eat every meal. I stopped seeing the naturopath and much later on, looked for a dermatologist, which I am still seeing to this day. So far my eczema has significantly gone down, and I do wonder if part of it was due to stress - more details in the “Moving Out” section.

Goodbye to a Former Friend

At the end of January, two of my irl friends and I parted ways with a former friend. The reasoning for this decision was a result of many things this friend did over time, showing that we were no longer compatible with each other as friends. I don’t wish to share too many details, but we had talked to her about these actions prior to making this decision and then when there were no signs that things would change, it became apparent that moving on would be better for all of us. It is tough to make significant decisions, but my other friends and I became a lot closer after this, and it ultimately was a good decision looking back on it. 

March

At the end of March, one of my sisters got married. She asked me to play the piano for her when she walked down the aisle, along with playing the piano and singing a worship song that all the guests would sing too. I am super happy for her, and she continues to be busy as ever. 

April

In April, the Art-Inspired Music Contest 2025 began. Overall, the contest had a fairly good turnout - 95 entries, which is a lot more than I thought. I didn’t really feel like I was fully in my prime for listening and judging music. I ended up feeling more burned out when the contest wrapped up than before. Sometimes, I feel like I overthink many things, and that could be why I felt like I was struggling through the whole contest. There were also many things that happened throughout May and June, and I wouldn’t be surprised if they at least contributed a bit to my general progress with the contest.

I really do appreciate everyone who takes the time to create music for the contest and those who take the time to judge. My favourite part about AIM is being able to listen to a wide variety of genres, and it’s a great chance to find composers whose works I really enjoy. Lately, I’ve been struggling a lot with the best way to give feedback, and I would like to continue working on that aspect. I’ve found myself becoming afraid to be completely honest when something doesn’t work and knowing when to address it in a review vs. having that be a reflection of my complete misunderstanding of the work. Despite music being subjective, there seems to be a lot of objectivity in evaluating art, and extra care is needed especially when scores are factored into the mix. 

There’s a lot of music that I don’t understand and things that I continue to not understand. Some things I feel more confident giving feedback in than others. But I do hope that everyone who participates in AIM walks away with a piece that they can be proud of or have a starting point that they can continue to work from. 

May/June

Road Trip!

I hung out with the two other friends I mentioned in the Former Friend section irl in May. I took the one friend that lives close by to me and drove about 5 hours to stay over for the weekend where the other friend lives. It was close to their birthday, so we celebrated and had a great time hanging out together. It was also a bit nerve-wracking as I had never driven long distances before. And I’m the only one in my friend group who is licensed to drive. It turned out that driving on the highway was really nice, although I learned from my friends that I’m a fast driver. I had always learned to go 10 km over the speed limit, but my friends felt unsafe unless I was driving at the speed limit. Apparently not a lot of people will drive at the speed limit, so that was quite frustrating at first, but I somewhat got used to it on the way back!

Parental Conflicts

(WARNING: this section is where the abuse part is mentioned)

After returning from the trip, my mom had confronted me and was upset that I didn’t get a discount on the rental for the car that my friend and I shared the cost in. I had misunderstood the discount when I originally talked about it with her and thought it was only for the gas (which I used it for). At this point, I had already paid for the car rental and there was no turning back. I apologized to my mom, but she continued to get upset at me for not paying attention. Eventually, she cornered me at my desk and her being so close, I tried to get up and leave, but she wouldn’t let me. I yelled at her to let me go and she got really angry, then yelled that I should just move out and that I’m not her daughter anymore. She continued to yell that it was not about the discount but that I didn’t show her love. 

To be clear, this was one of many times where she would sometimes say that she wanted me to move out and other times, she would say she didn’t want me to move out and stay until I could get married and buy a place. On top of that, there were many instances where she would get very upset at me for asking for clarification on something - like when she wanted me to have a “thing” in the fridge, but when I asked what the thing was, she called me “emotionally charged”. We could go even further back to certain moments in my years of living with my family - before Mom had her mobility problems, she had a tendency to become quite physical when she was frustrated or if I did something wrong. 

To be honest, I don’t remember what I did wrong most of the time when she punished me, just that she did the punishment and it forever imprinted on me. There was a time when she was upset that I wasn’t doing well in school (which yes, was something I did wrong), and so she violently knocked all the contents of my desk off onto the floor and smashed some of the items in the process while yelling at me. One time, she was upset that I talked back to her and she whacked me in the face with a hula hoop and caused my nose to bleed. Another time before school, she hit me in the face three times really hard such that I still felt the pain when I was starting class. She then proceeded to act like I didn’t exist for an entire week. There are a few more instances I could name of similar things that occurred.

Many of these things happened when I was a teenager or a preteen, but I bring them up because these were moments I remember concerning discipline or saying anything that would anger my mom. If I were to bring up some more recent examples, this year, she got furious at me for washing a small pot to cook rice with because I didn’t ask her for help (she was in the middle of a Zoom call, and I was afraid she would get mad at me for interrupting her and thought that washing the pot would be faster). Well, then she told me that she wished I was mute and didn’t have a brain. Then when I later reiterated that’s what she said to me, she told me that I was the one who wished I was mute and didn’t have a brain.

My dad saw many of my mom’s actions as justifiable and sometimes even funny - like he laughed at how Mom tried to disown me over a car rental discount because she “didn’t really mean it”. Well even if she didn’t mean it ultimately, she still had the gall to say it with a lot of conviction at the time. She didn’t mean it as a joke. She was upset. I don’t want to act like I was acting perfectly all the time, but the fact that I didn’t really “learn” much except to be scared of my parents and to think of everything through the context of how my parents would feel reflects on my upbringing, and 2025 was the year I was coming to terms with that.

Moving Out

I had thought a lot about moving out over the past couple of years. I think where I live, renting and cost of living are quite expensive generally, which is what stopped me. It was also thinking of how my parents would feel, if I needed to be at home to care for them since I’m pretty sure that’s what Mom is expecting. But in May, my friends helped me to find a place to rent. I checked it out and made the decision to move in June. This was shortly after my mom decided to send somewhat threatening texts to me while I was at work. I usually muted my phone at work but allowed notifications from my family to go through, which is why I saw it. After this, I stopped allowing her notifications to go through. 

I got a lot of help from my friends and sister moving my things to the new place. I do share the kitchen and laundry, but I get my own room and bathroom, and that has been going well for me. Despite my frustrations, my parents did accept that I was moving out, though my mom tried to get me to commit to eating dinner with the family every Sunday. I didn’t say yes, but I still visit them from time to time. Now the big concern is that my parents are heavily encouraging me to own a place - which, you know, would be nice. And don’t get me wrong; I am accumulating some savings. I just don’t know how possible it would be, and I’m not sure if that’s really worth it, especially since it’s just me on my own right now. I’ll have to think about it - and I say that to my parents, but sometimes, it seems like they’re upset that I’m not immediately house hunting all the time. Perhaps I’m overthinking this.

Nonetheless, moving out was a huge relief and milestone for me. I realize my eczema went down significantly after moving out (which is maybe why it could be stress-related, but we’ll see as time goes on). It also has given me time to reflect on how many of my fears and worries come from family. It’s what makes things so confusing, since I was taught that my parents were not abusive because abusive parents hold guns to their kids’ heads or constantly beat them up and deny them food and water. And my parents feed and love me, so they can’t be abusive, so they say. And if I think that, then I’m taking them for granted. I’m still conflicted over this, but I have been slowly coming to the realization that abusive people still show love and they can feed their kids and be nice, but their abusive actions are still abusive. And over time, even if they don’t bruise, they still have mental repercussions on children over time. 

September

I dealt with significant stomach issues in September, where one night, I woke up in severe pain but was able to get an Uber at 3 AM to go to the emergency room. It was about a 9 hour wait, which was actually on the shorter end (I heard some patients complaining that they had been waiting for 12 hours). Turns out, it was something related to having too much acid and I could just get an over-the-counter medication for it. I did have some of that persistent pain where it would just refuse to go away for a few hours. While I never really knew the exact cause of the pain, even after experiencing it a few more times, it did seem to be related to eating super fast and eating past my limit. Now I eat a lot less than I used to, and at least make a conscious effort to eat more slowly. I’m just glad that now that I live on my own, I feel like I have more control over the foods I eat. 

December

In December, I played synth/aux keys for my church’s Christmas production. The rehearsals started in October, and this was when living farther away became a bit of a challenge. Some days, I would get home super late and have to get up early for work the following day. There were also lots of delays and changes in the music along the way, but ultimately, all the shows went pretty well and I am grateful that I got to be part of the production. I would probably do it again next year, given the chance, but I also wouldn’t mind having a break. 

Goals for 2026

1. Complete my IFIC in 6 months. I work in the financial industry as an assistant, despite not having much knowledge about finances. I enrolled in the course in October, but got too busy to keep up with the studies for the rest of the year. Ideally, I’d like to pick up the course again and be ready to take the exam in June. It is a learn-at-your-pace kind of course, but I must complete it before the end of next October otherwise the course will expire. 
2. Complete the enemy page linking system on Neutronized Wiki. Although I didn’t do much music-wise, I became quite active on the wikis I edit on. I’ve been trying to get better at using Cargo to set up and link certain data in games. One of these is trying to relate similar enemies to each other, since all Neutronized games are apparently connected to the same universe. I have the general sort of test framework here; I just need to continue implementing and revising all the enemy pages that are still using the old format.
3. Create and release another EP. I really enjoyed creating my first EP and would love to try making another. I have some ideas on what I’d like to do. It’s just a matter of time thinking about how to create the songs for it and put it all together. And of course, finding the time and motivation is going to be another matter. I think, if I can at least be on track to putting some songs together, that would be nice. But I’d need to think about this some more.

Happy New Year, and have a great 2026!