Are you my Mother?

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What’s your biggest fear?

Car accident? Not being successful? Never reaching the million-dollar mark? Not having the chance to travel? Being alone? When I’m asked this simple question two things have always popped into my mind, and since I was a little girl they have never changed. One. not being able to have children and 2. not being a good mother.

Through this journey of us trying to add to our family we have learned so much about what it takes for people in our situation to become a parent. The tests. The waiting. The “searching” for a donor. (whole other blog for that) The laws. But one thing that they have not told us, is what it really takes to be a “parent”.

Parent. Such a loaded word isn’t it? What does that even mean? Someone who provides for you? Someone who loves you? Someone who births you? I’m sure if we asked this question to 10 people, we would get 10 different answers. And my answer is especially out of the ordinary.

Growing up for me was very different than most. I didn’t have your typical mom meets dad, they fall in love, they get married and have a baby type of story. It was more complicated than that. (Don’t worry, not a poor me story.) I honestly can say I enjoyed my childhood. I have always known that my family was different than my friends and I’ve always been okay with that. I have never been ashamed of where I come from and I firmly believe that it has made me who I am today.

I’m sure you are wondering what the reason for this blog is. Did you know in the state of Arizona same sex adoption is not legal? So Summer, my wife, will not be able to adopt our child, and really will not be technically our child’s “parent”. It amazes me that in the eyes of the government she will have no legal rights to our child, in this state. Not only does the government say Summer is not our child’s parent but I’m sure someday when we take our kids to school there will be parents and teachers who will also think this.

And now.. now this is my biggest fear.

Because I feel the word parent means so many different things to so many people, same sex parents who start families, single moms or dads who raise their kids alone, children who grow up with no parents, children who’s parents pass but have people who look out for them. I don’t only want to be a parent, I want Summer and I to be so much more. I pray that we can provide a safe home, we can be someone to help guide them through this crazy world. We can be someone they can count on and trust. But mostly… I pray that we will raise our children to be a good human beings, raise them to be a great light in the world and will provide love and laughter to everyone around them. Some day when someone asks our child how were your parents, I pray they smile and say “my mom’s were amazing”.

Shoop with a side of Selena!

As I read through my last two posts I couldn’t help but reflect back on how we even got here.. How it all REALLY started. How Summer and I became “ready” to expand our family. – no it’s not another fake perfect love story.

I’m not sure if most of you know, and for the new people reading along, Summer and I have actually dated OFF and ON for 12 years this coming April. That was officially the first time I met my beautiful wife. Was it love at first sight you might ask? Probably not.. Was it love at first failed attempt at Karaoke? ABSOLUTELY!! As Selena and the iconic Shoop echoed through the bar sung by no one else but our group, I became effectuated with a woman I barely knew. She was funny (which I loved) athletic, a people person (which I needed) and mostly she got along with my best friend (for now). That’s for another story.. Another blog..

How I ended up at that bar (19 with a fake id) was really a story in it’s self. To be completely honest I really owe it all to my first girlfriend. She was there for me in a very dark time. She introduced me to someone I still call one of my best friends today. After our very abrupt break up, I was fortunate to stay so close to Dee. On a very random weeknight she begged me to attend a night filled with basketball and Karaoke. I, the new college attendee with no self control, of course said yes! What was supposed to be just a fun night out, a night filled with Bidi bidi bom bom, Shoop, My heart will go on, quarters, and a push-up contest, actually turned into a night that would shape the rest of my life.

Was it fate? I’m not 100% sure I believe in fate, but it definitely was something I could not explain. Every day for the next 11+ years Summer and I would be in each others life some way or another. Some years it would be dating, some years it was just being friends, and the years in between was a beautiful disaster. One thing I know, is that you have to fight for what you want. And we did just that. Most of you know me, I’m not one to be emotional, I don’t wear my heart on my sleeve. It takes a long time for me to allow you to get close, but when it came to Summer. She found a way to break down all of my walls. She allowed me to be who I was, she gave me patience and time so I could grow into the person I am today.

9.24.16

“Love isn’t perfect, it isn’t a fairy tale. Sometimes it takes people 9+ years to figure it out and it’s okay it didn’t come so easily. Love is overcoming obstacles, facing challenges, fighting to be together, holding on and never letting go. It is a short word, easy to spell , difficult to define, and impossible to live without. Love is work, but most of all, love is realizing that every hour, every minute, every second of the fight was worth it because you and I did it together. Today seems like it’s the start of our journey, but I already belong to you, it feels more like I’m finally going home. Because home is you & me.” – part of my vows to Summer on our wedding day, and now my vow to her on this next journey.

HELP! I think we are doing it wrong.

Where do we even begin? As you start the process of adding to your family, most couples say. “Ok, I think it’s time” “we are READY” “let’s start trying”. That is of course, if you don’t have a “SURPRISE, WE ARE PREGNANT” situation on your hands. Well. as a “Lesbian” couple. It’s not that easy. We tried and tried and tried and nothing happened. Maybe we were doing it wrong!?

We decided the first step was I needed to see a doctor. As I started my search I did what any normal human being would do.  I Googled.  I searched for best fertility doctors in Arizona. Boy! Did a lot of doctors pop up. But then I had the fear as I’m assuming most gay couples do, what if they don’t like us, what if they won’t help us, what if they turn us away because we are “gay”. So, my search changed. Gay friendly fertility clinics. My search went from 20 to 2. As I began reading about each clinic it became clear to me who we would choose. Now.. the waiting begins.

I called the clinic and of course they had no new patient openings for 6 months. My first call was in May of 2018 and they had found an opening for us in January of 2019. There is nothing worse than feeling ready for something and told you must wait 6 + months. This was going to be the longest wait of my life. Ha! I WAS WAY WRONG. As months went by I finally received, THE CALL! They had an opening in October and it was for us! So, in we went. We met the man who would help us start our family. He was a one man show but boy did he have A LOT of nurses. So many, that they literally lined the hallway. The facility was beautiful, very clean, and everyone was so kind to us. The only thing we didn’t like about him… He was an ASU fan. BUT, he had a good sense of humor and the banter between him and my Oregon Ducks loving wife was very comical… Go ‘skers!

As we began our consultation and tests, the nurses and doctor became just as excited as we were. At the end of our first appointment we went through the timeline of what would happen and the next steps we should expect. We began wrapping up and they informed us I had to do two more tests, but we would have to wait till my next period. EIGHTY-THREE DAYS LATER!!! THIS.. this was the longest wait of my life. I felt like a young college girl praying for my period.

The beginning..

After much thought, I have decided to write a blog.. as most do.. Don’t worry, it’s not another blog about clothes or makeup or partying.. well maybe partying, depending on how all of this goes. 

My wife and I have decided it’s time to start a family. The more I think about it, maybe the title should say “The End”. I searched high and low to find someone who we could relate to. Someone who was going through what we were. There were lots of posts about my husband and I can’t get pregnant.. my husband and I are doing IUI or IVF my HUSBAND and I…. 

BRIDESMAIDS! That’s all I could think about. I quote that movie at least once a day! I’m terribly sorry, but not that sorry.

Well I don’t have a husband, I have a wife and I am going to be carrying our baby! This process has been so scary, exciting, thrilling, but I mostly feel like Sandra Bullock in Bird Box. Navigating through life partially blind folded. We know the basics.. and we are slowly realizing that there is nothing basic about this process at all..  

If you are intrigued.. and feel like reading.. Welcome to my blog.. welcome to our journey, welcome to “The Anesins!”