Tim Chapter 1 Tim was the coolest kid in the school, and everyone thought he was amazing.
. He was so cool in fact, everything round him turned into ice cubes. He was just perfect in every way, all 7 foot 4 of him, from his curly black hair to his ability to be flawless at everything Hahahaha man, this is just priceless The teacher Mr Whale, just looked at this story and burst out laughing. Tim, I told you to write based on fact, not one bit of this is true! For one thing you cant even hold a pen without looking like a retard! Well I have a lot of style so I like to do things my own way then Tim did the impossible, he tripped over a paperclip. Tim did his usual act of pretending it was intentional And that ladies and gentlemen is how you trip over a paperclip. Tune in next week for an extra special episode on how to be almost as cool as me well Tim you certainly are, err unique. Lunch break came as usual, and he walked towards the school canteen with his best friend, and probably only friend, Jimmy. Yes a rather spiffing day so far Master Tim Said Jim. Yes, well said Jimmy, but no time for chitter chatter, time for our next mission, the secret codeword I call it is lunch Wow top secret eh? So where do we begin this mission? Well, you see I was thinking, dont do what everyone expects us to do right? So, bear with me, were going to eat lunch in the school canteen, see what Im sayin bro? Oh yes, top notch old bean, Id never think of that. I say, fancy a cup of tea? NOT NOW Jim our mission, remember? Oh yes jolly good Tim lets hop to it. Overhearing their conversation, one of their classmates, Laura walked past fucking hell, you retards are as weird as each other! Jimmy whispered I think she likes you ol Tim, maybe shell let you tally-ho her diddly if you get me? Hehe yes you always were a sharp one Jimmy, I think youre spot on *The two pals walked into the canteen* Ok Exclaimed Tim, Now we begin phase one of our mission, we must eat something to casually blend in with the crowd Oh yes, jolly good Remarked Jim. At that moment Sarah walked past Jesus you idiots will never blend in, try being normal for 5 bloody minutes!! Wow Tim said Jim Sure are getting a lot of attention from the lasses today eh? True that Jimmy, I think they can sense Im important, a man on a mission and all that? Oh couldnt agree more old boy, the amazing aura youre giving off is like when the nuclear power plant exploded in Chernobyl Yes Jim, couldnt have said it better myself. But Ill try. You see the amazing energy I give off is like if the sun exploded and you were standing right next to it and then it was so powerful you melted in 0.0000001 seconds Yes quite so Timmy, a rather spiffing metaphor. Tim and Jimmy walked up to get some dinner.
Oh bloody ell its you two again. Whats it this time, zebra steaks with crocodile eggs?? Said the woman serving. Jolly good, Tip-top memory you got there madam, almost as good as mine. I like to memorise all the barcodes of the books on my shelf at home Said Jimmy, raising his eyebrows up and down. *Sigh* Just tell me what you want All in good time woman said Tim Right, Id like 2.76 spoons of potatoes pleaseNO thats obviously only 2.62 spoons, thats way off woman .. ok now 13.4 egg cupfulls of panda mince Said Tim in a casual tone. Fucking Hell!!! Ok I quit this job, Id rather clean out radioactive sewage out of a pipe with my bear hands than serve these two!!!! BYE! Said the woman, as she stormed out of the school. Golly gosh, she really picked up on that energy of yours eh Tim lad? Yes, I dont think everyone can take being around someone as amazing as me I suppose you hit the nail on the head there ol chum *later that day* Hey classmates, does anyone else think that radiator over there looks suspiciously like a dinosaur? Seriously Tim just shut up and sit the fuck down ya cunt said Gary. Ha, yeah Tim fucking sit down!....Hmm never knew there was another Tim in this class *Just Before the end of school* *Ringgggggggggggggggggg* Ahh yes, I call that the Timothy bell, its a secret signal that only me and you can hear, being specially trained ninjas Haha quite so Tim. Well anyway time to leave this residence and travel home in our normal manner Thats the best plan Ive ever heard Said Tim, KANGAROO RACE boing boing boing, Ha Im bouncing faster than you Jim Hoho yes youre a pro at this Timmy lad! Boing boing Tim got home that day, he walked in the front door. Literally he walked into it because he forgot to open it. Tims mum was out, and she had left a note for him: Dear Tim, Im out at the shops, I have wrapped everything in the house in bubble wrap just in case you hurt yourself. Please do not mix up the fridge and the washing machine again, I dont want bits of crumpet stuck to my clothes. Love Mum Huh, good one mum said Tim as he sat down on the sofa to watch his usual favourite programme, the Teletubbies. He turned to his pet turtle in its cage you see Mr Sandy, no one quite captures how intellectual the teletubbies are, theyve been such an inspiration to me over the years, like my artistic sculpture over there in the corner. He glanced over at his creation with a cocky expression, which was nothing more than some broken chairs and rusty bits of metal, all somehow sellotaped together.
Well, 4:16pm looks like time to hit the hay. Time to morph into a cow to be able to climb up these stairs with style. BOWOWOWOW, DING, there we go Tim then bounded up the stairs on all fours, shouting moo, moo, moo!.
