Terrorists!
By Nathan Maynard
INT. UNITED NATIONS HQ - GENERAL ROSSS OFFICE- DAY GENERAL ROSS, 50s, a towering wall of mustache and muscle, sits at his desk. ROTH, 30s, BUKOWSKI, 20s and POTTER, 30s, enter his office. Potter is a thin, office drone type, Roth and Bukowski are military men. ROTH You wanted to see me, General Ross, sir? ROSS Ah, Roth, youre here. Good. Listen, I have an important assignment for you. An assignment so monumental that that the fate of the entire universe, nay, reality depends on it! POTTER Sir, your hyperbole. ROSS Right. What I mean is, I have an important assignment for you, Roth, ROTH What is it, sir? ROSS Syria has entered a state of war, gentleman. They are no doubt at this very moment preparing weapons of mass destruction the likes of which Saddam could never dream of! BUKOWSKI But, Saddam never had WMDs. ROSS Of course he did! Anyway, youre assignment is to enter the Syrian capital, which I will not even begin to try and pronounceBUKOWSKI Its Damascus. ROSS (Snorts) (MORE) (CONTINUED)
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ROSS (contd) Its all rag head speak to me. Anyway, youll be infiltrating DosmosisBUKOWSKI Damascus. ROSS Damiscis. BUKOWSKI DamaROSS Oh, shut up! You will be infiltrating the ministry of defense in the capital, and finding out where the government has been their oil! Bukowski gives him a suspicious look. ROSS (contd) -Ly skinned Syrian hostages. Right. There are, um, hostages in the ministry, and your job is to go rescue them! Oh, and if you happen to see any documents that say anything about petroleum, or drills, or reserves or anything like that, you should probably just go ahead and take those, too. (He begins pacing and waving his arms emphatically. Patriotic music plays in BG) Gentleman, the very fate of the nation rests on your shoulders! Now, go forth andRecord scratch BUKOWSKI Why is this our job, again? ROSS What? BUKOWSKI Well, why does America have to step in to the middle of another countrys-
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CONTINUED: (3) ROSS Bukowski, this is America. Patriotic music resumes. ROSS (CONTD) The land of the free. And because we are free, it is up to us to impose that freedom on the rest of the world, and imprison and or blow the crap out of anyone who stands in the way of that freedom! Because the measure of a man, and the measure of a country, is not shown in his words, or even his actions. It is shown in his or its ability to go into someone elses territory and wipe them off the face of the earth with firepower the like of which theyve never seen! Are you with me?! ROTH Yeah!
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Bukowski just shakes his head. Everyone starts to leave. ROSS Oh, and Potter, have that boy in accounting fired. He keeps mixing up my name with Roths here. POTTER I believe he has a lisp, sir. ROSS Ha! A lisp! Probably trying to cover up the fact that hes a communist! And so what? Its not my job to tolerate him, Im no socialist! EXT. SYRIAN BAZAAR - DAY A peaceful bazaar. People mill about, chatting, carrying baskets of groceries. An USAF helicopter suddenly drops into frame and lands in the middle of the bazaar. Roth and Bukowski step out, two more SOLDIERS come out with them. People flee in terror. Of screen, a woman screams.
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ROTH Terrorist! He points in her direction and the soldier next to him unloads several rounds from his M-16 towards her. EXT. SYRIAN MINISTRY OF DEFENSE - NIGHT The four soldiers scale the wall awkwardly. Roth grunts loudly with every movement. INT. SYRIAN MINISTRY OF DEFENSE - CONTINUOUS Roth uses a drill in his belt to cut a circle in the middle of the window. He pushes on the circle. Nothing happens. He starts pounding on it. Still nothing. He unloads a clip from his machine gun into the window. It shatters. They enter. They creep through the maze of cubicles. Bukowski knock over a book sitting atop one of the cubicle walls. ROTH (Whispering) Bukowski, please, this is a stealth mission. Across the room is a the door to a conference room. The large window beside it is lit up, revealing that the room is full of SYRIAN MEN wearing suits. The men approach the door with Roth performing plenty of dives and rolls. INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - CONTINUOUS Roth kicks the door open and points his gun at the men. MAN American soldiers! Theyre here to help us! Listen, we are a division of the resistance. Weve been using our positions here to obtain vital information on the regime. We can finally overthrow out oppressors and build a thriving oil based economy! ROTH By "build a thriving oil based economy" you do mean donate your (MORE) (CONTINUED)
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ROTH (contd) oil to your American saviors, correct? MAN Well, no, what I mean isROTH (To Soldier #1) Terrorists? SOLDIER #1 Terrorists. SMASH CUT TO... EXT. SYRIAN MINISTRY OF DEFENSE - NIGHT The soldiers walk away. Behind them, the ministry explodes in a massive inferno. ROTH Well, I think that went well. BUKOWSKI What are you talking about?!?! You blew up the ministry of defense! Youve almost definitely brought about a nuclear war! ROTH Thats what I said. BUKOWSKI You killed seven innocent men! ROTH What part of "it went well" dont you understand. Roth and the two soldiers walk off, leaving Bukowski standing with a look of shock on his face. INT. UNITED NATIONS CEREMONY HALL - DAY A long white ceremony hall filled with hundreds of people in two groups with a red carpet in between them.
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Music plays as one by one, Roth, Bukowski and the two soldiers walk down the red carpet and up a few steps to a stage where a beautiful woman with a Princess Leia hairdo hangs medals around their necks. They all bow as people cheer. BUKOWSKI This is ridiculous. Roth makes a Chewbacca growl. END
