THE SIMPSONS: “KING-SIZE HOMER” SCRIPT

Smithers: Come on Simpson, open up! We know you're in there.

[The goons break the door open.]
[looking under stalls] Mmm...[points to stall] that one.
[The goons bust it open.]
Homer: [gasps] ____________ in here.
[Homer whimpers and whines while being dragged off.]
No...No! Oh! For the love of...
Smithers: Boy, I've never seen a man so __________to get out of five
minutes of calisthenics.
-- Homer, king of bad health, "King-Size Homer"

All of the plant employees are outside, preparing to exercise.

Montgomery Burns addresses the employees.

Burns: One, two, three, four. Up, down, three, four.

[Homer sweats, gasps, and stammers.]
Carl: This new exercise ___________is great.
Lenny: Yeah, every ______________in my body is getting a workout,
especially my
big fat mouth.
Homer: Yeah, especially your big fat...oh wait.
Burns: Raise your right huck, aerate.
Raise you left huck, aerate.
I want to see more Teddy Roosevelts and less Franklin
Roosevelts!

Homer: [struggling to complete a pushup] Two!

Lenny: Actually Homer, that's just one. See, each ______includes both
an up part and a down part.
Homer: D'oh! Hey, where's Charlie? How'd he get out of this?
Carl: Uh, he's at home on disability.
Lenny: Yeah, he got _______on the job and they sent him home with pay.
[scoffs] It's like a lottery that awards_____________.
Homer: Stupidity, eh?

Burns: Yes?
Homer: [pause] Hello.
Burns: May I help you?
Homer: Uh...could you give me a little push in the opposite________?
Burns: [slowly] Okay.
[Burns pushes Homer in the other direction using a long wooden
pointer.]
Homer: Thank you.

Homer: "Carpal tunnel syndrome"...no.

"Lumber lung"...no.
"Juggler's despair"...no.
"Achy breaky pelvis"...no. Oh, I'm never going to be disabled!
I'm sick of being so____________.
Hey, wait...hyper-obesity! "If you weigh more than 300 pounds,
you qualify as___________."

Pig: You can do it, old boy!

Homer: Yes I can!

Pig: Yes...that's the____________!

 Bart: If you gain 61 pounds they'll let you work at home?
Homer: Y'uh huh, that's the deal. No more exercise program, no more
____________, no more blood drives or charity walks.
Bart: Dad, I know we don't do a lot together but helping you gain 61
______________is something I want to be a part of.
[Lisa swings here chair around, unexpectedly appearing.]
Lisa: Dad!
Homer: [frightened] Aah!
Lisa: I must protest. You're ________a program intended to help the
unfortunate.
Homer: Hee hee hee, I'm not saying it isn't sleazy, honey, but try to
see it my way: all my life I've been an ______man trapped
inside
a fat man's body.
Lisa: Have you told Mom about this?
Homer: No, it would only worry her. If you want to add to her
worries,
go ahead. I guess _I'm_ just a little more grateful for all
the
things she's done for us.

Lisa: [annoyed] Dad!

Homer: Yes, sweetheart?
Lisa: Obesity is really unhealthy; any doctor will tell you
that.
Homer: Oh yeah? Well we'll just see about that little miss
__________ guy!

Dr. Hibbert: [gasps] My God, that's monstrous. I've never heard of

anything so negligen -- I'll have no part of it!
Homer: Can you ______________a doctor who will?
Hibbert: [turns around again] Yes.

Dr. Nick: Hi everybody!

Homer+Bart: Hi Doctor Nick!
Nick: Now there are many options _____________for dangerously
underweighted individuals like yourself. I recommend a
slow ____________gorging process combined with assal horizontology.
Homer: [pensive] Of course.
Nick: [points to a chart] You'll want to focus on the neglected
food groups such as the whipped group, the congealed group
and the chocotastic!
Homer: What can I do to speed the whole thing up, Doctor?
Nick: Well...be__________. Instead of making sandwiches with
bread, use poptarts. Instead of chewing gum, chew_______,
heh...
Bart: You could brush your teeth with milkshakes!
Dr. Nick: Hey, did you go to Hollywood Upstairs Medical College too?
And remember, if you're not sure about something, rub it
against a piece of_______. If the paper turns clear, it's
your window to __________gain. Bye bye, everybody!

Homer: Oh, it's a dream come true, boy. I can -- nay I must -- eat
everything I've always wanted. Now come on, every second I'm
out
of bed I'm burning precious____________. Now get grabbing!

Homer: [stuffing himself] Ahhh!

Bart: Eat around the banana, Dad. It's just empty vitamins.
Homer: [whines] Ohh...225! That means I lost weight!
Bart: Ahem...Homer, you're, uh, on the towel rack.
[Homer moves his stomach blubber. Scale shows 296.]
Homer: Woo hoo! Four more pounds and my dream comes true: working at
home.

Marge: Here's your_________, and here's your beer. Ooh, you're such a
vigorous young go-getter. When's your next coffee break?
Homer: [lascivious] Any time I want...[growls]
[They giggle.]

Flanders: [moaning] Ohh...

Homer: Hey, Flanders. Bad day at the rat races?
Flanders: Yeah, a _______guy shot a bunch of people and the subway ran
over my hat.

Marge: [getting thrown on top of Homer] Whoa!

Homer: Oh! Hello, honey.
Marge: Hi. Erm, there's something I've been meaning to ask you. Did
you ____ _____ a little weight this week?
Homer: I was going to surprise you, but what the heck: honey, I'm
purposely ___________61 pounds to get on disability!
Marge: [gasps] Have you lost your mind? Have you thought about your
health...or your____________?
Homer: Oh. So that's it, isn't it, Marge? Looks. I didn't know you
were so____________.
Marge: Oh, please. I would love you if you weighed 1000 pounds, but
--
Homer: Beautiful. Good night.
[Quickly turns off light.]

Homer: Oh, I've got 15 minutes to gain a pound or I have to

_________another day at work!
Bart: Bad news, Dad. We're out of food. We're even out of the _____
elements of food. You ate all the tarragon and you drank all
the soy sauce.
Homer: I need a miracle. [Maggie squeezes off some Play-Doh and
shapes
it into a donut, handing it to Homer.]
Homer: Aw, honey, that looks just like a real donut.
Bart: [goading] Dad...its says its non-_________.
Homer: [eating it] Well, that's a plus.
[Eats it and weighs himself again. Just over 300 lbs.]
Woo woohoohahoo!, I did it!
Bart: Uh, Dad, towel ___________.
[Homer removes his blubber from it. Scale reads 315.]
Homer: [gurgles with delight] oh my.
Burns: [clears throat] I'm pleased to dedicate this remote work
________; it will allow our safety inspector here to perform
his duties from home. And so excelsior to you, Mr...[to
Smithers] What's the name of this gastropod?
Smithers: Simpson, Sir. One of your chair moisteners from Sector 7G.
Burns: Yes...Simpson!
[Everyone claps.]
Homer: [teary] Thank you for your __________.
Lisa: Mom, were you ever planning to step in and put a stop to
this?
Marge: Normally your father's crackpot schemes fizzle out as soon
as
 he finds something good on TV. But this season...[shudders]
Homer: I'm looking for something ________ and billowy, something
comfortable for my first day of work.
Salesman: Work, huh? Let me guess. Computer programmer, computer
magazine columnist, something with computers?
Homer: Well, I use a computer.
Salesman: [quietly, to self] Yeah, what's the _________? Must be the
non-stop sitting and snacking.
[more audibly] Well, sir, many of our clients find pants
confining, so we offer a range of _________ for the ample
gentleman: ponchos, muumuus, capes, jumpsuits, unisheets,
muslim body rolls, academic and judicial robes --
Homer: I don't want to look like a ________. I'll just go with a
muumuu.
Arnie: Arnie Pie in the sky with the morning commute. Traffic this
morning is as bad as it gets. Due to a fire at the Army
testing lab, a bunch of escaped infected monkeys are roaming the
expressway. Despite the sweltering heat, don't unroll your
windows, 'cause those monkeys seem confused and irritable.
Homer: Hee hee hee. I pity those poor suckers on the _______. Gas
Break______. Gas break_______. Honk honk punch. Gas gas gas.
[Walks to terminal.]
8:58, first time I've ever been early for work. Except for all
those daylight savings days. Lousy ____________.
Homer: [reading screen] "To Start Press Any Key". Where's the ANY
key?
I see Esk ["ESC"], Catarl ["CTRL"], and Pig-Up ["PGUP"].
There
doesn't seem to be any ANY key. Woo! All this computer
hacking is making me_________. I think I'll order a TAB. [presses
TAB
key] Awp...no time for that now, the computer's starting.
[reading screen slowly] "Check core temperature, yes slash
no."
[types] Yes.
"Core temperature normal." Hmph. Not too shabby.
"Vent radioactive gas." [types] NO.
"Venting prevents explosi-on." Heeheee...whoa, this is hard.
Where's my Tab? Okay, then, [types] YES, vent the stupid gas.
[Cut to a farmer tending his corn. The gas release blows
away
part of the crop.]
Farmer: Oh, no! The corn. Paul Newman's gonna have my ______broke.
-- Curse you, popcorn manufacturers, "King-Size Homer"

Homer: [taunting] Bart and Lisa have to go to school, while I get to

stay at home, naah naah nah naah naah.
Lisa: I like_____________.
Homer: Well, why don't you live at it, then?
Lisa: [drolly] I would if I could.
Bart: Not me, sister. When I grow up I want to be a _______on
workman's comp, just like Dad.
[Imagines an older, superfat Bart lying on a bed with media
people all around him.]