2. New technologies have changed the way children spend their free time.
Do the advantages
outweigh the disadvantages.
Essay:
It is true that modern technologies are one of reasons for children to change their way to use Commented [AB1]: ‘of the reasons’ – ‘the’ because there are a
group of reasons and this is a specific one.
their leisure time. Despite some obvious disadvantages, I believe that the advantages outweigh Commented [AB2]: There are a lot of words here – you could
make this more concise –
‘reasons why children have changed their leisure time use’
‘factors in children’s leisure time use’
the drawbacks.
Commented [AB3]: ‘devote their time to….’
http://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/devote-sth-
On the one hand, there are some major negative effects if young people devote their time to-sth-sb
Commented [AB4]: ‘develop’ would be a more formal word to
use here.
playing electronic games and using smart phones for a long time. Firstly, they maybe have a lot Commented [AB5]: ‘maybe’ is a spoken word and better here
would be ‘may have’.
MAYBE
of health problems such as eyestrain; obesity or terrible headaches because of keeping their
Maybe is an adverb that means perhaps.
Maybe it will stop raining soon. = Perhaps it will stop raining soon.
A: I thought Suzy would be here by now. B: Maybe she forgot.
eyes glued to screen for hours or laziness of doing regular exercises . Secondly, violent games
Commented [AB6]: ‘the screen’
Commented [AB7]: This sounds a little unnatural –
‘or lack will power to do regular exercises ‘
have negative impacts on children’s behavior. They might feel that they are big heroes ready to
Commented [AB8]: ‘save’
Commented [AB9]: ‘has’
secure the world, while if a child have no education and hard working attitude; they can not do Commented [AB10]: ‘or’ (not this or this)
Commented [AB11]: ‘hard-working’
Commented [AB12]: This is ok but cannot is much more usual.
anything for them and human society in the real. The virtual world easily makes them have Commented [AB13]: ‘themselves’
Commented [AB14]: ‘the real world’; ‘reality’
Commented [AB15]: ‘can easily cause them to’ – ‘cause’
illusions. It seems hard for them to join the society when they grow up. sounds more formal in this context
Commented [AB16]: ‘illusions’ about what? – this word needs
further explanation.
Commented [AB17]: ‘It could/ might seem hard’ – modal
verbs are useful to make your language seem more careful and
academic.
On the other hand, technological advances make teenager’s social life more comfortable. When Commented [AB18]: ‘a teenager’s social life…’ – use ‘a’ when
talking generally about something (the meaning is ‘any’ teenagers’
life’)
they feel free they might learn effectively without caring about several kinds of stress. For
example, my nephew is the first year student. He have just left his home and dealt with Commented [AB19]: ‘a’ – there are others – he is just ‘one’.
Commented [AB20]: ‘has’ (he + has)
Commented [AB21]: ‘deals’ – you are talking about what he
does now.
household chores such as washing his clothes or dishes which his mother used to do for him
when he was at home. It puts him in a mental pressure how to balance time between daily life Commented [AB22]: This could be said with fewer words and it
would be clearer –
‘puts him in a mental pressure stressed him deciding how to ……’
and study. Thanks to modern washing machines or dishwashers, he can save time and might
Commented [AB23]: Are these really ‘new technologies’?
focus on his homework; enhance his image in his lecturer and peer relationships. Besides, the Commented [AB24]: ‘enhance his image in terms of his
lecturer and peer relationships’ – ‘in terms of’ is a nice phrase
indicating in what way….
Internet and English help youngsters know more media to support their study. They can access Commented [AB25]: ‘use’/ ‘employ’
to world-class libraries to search necessary information or learn through video lessons of the Commented [AB26]: ‘access to world-class’
"to access something" ("to access to something" is not correct)
Commented [AB27]: ‘search through’
best famous teachers in all the world. These applications support much more to reduce the gap Commented [AB28]: ‘the entire’
Commented [AB29]: ‘support something’
Commented [AB30]: ‘support the reduction’ – now you can
between the rich and poor country’s children about knowledge. see after ‘support’ you use a noun (something).
Commented [AB31]: ‘support the reduction in the gap’ (here
you have a full idea of support something).
Commented [AB32]: ‘regarding’
In conclusion, I argue that although latest technological devices have a lot of drawbacks to the
Commented [AB33]: ‘knowledge much more’.
Commented [AB34]: ‘for’
young, but positive effects are more than negative ones. Commented [AB35]: No need for ‘but’ when you have
although.
(350 words)
Comments:
IELTS Marking Criteria My comments Band score
Task Fulfilment A good introduction and
conclusion. Presents a
6.0 +
quite well-developed
response to the question
with relevant, ideas
although I think your
example of the washing
machine is a little old-
fashioned and this was
most of the paragraph.
Cohesion and Coherence Sequences information and
ideas logically. Manages
6.5
some aspects of cohesion
well. Uses paragraphing
sufficiently and
appropriately - the essay
flows well in parts,
however your third
paragraph needs a little
more focus and your main
point is lost.
Lexical resource Uses a good range of
vocabulary and you use
6.0
less common lexical items
with some awareness of
style and collocation.
Some very good
collocations like: ‘balance
time between; peer
relationships. There is
some inaccuracy with some
word choice.
Grammatical Range Produces some good
sentences. Has some good
and accuracy control of grammar and
punctuation but may make
6.0
a few errors. There are
quite a few small errors.
There are quite a few
errors affecting the text.
Overall score – 6.0– a good answer with some good ideas. Generally the structure was good but
the number of grammar mistakes are affecting the score.
