Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 roles, or even ideas. Once you’re done, cross one off.
That’s already been taken from you by a cruel God.
A Role-Playing Game About A Shitty Movie Figure out how. Once you have Loves done, you’re
By Michael Burdick ready to play.
In Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2, players will play a team of The Blartventure
horrible jerks who must come together to solve a In Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2, the player characters are all
crisis, a crisis posed by one of them who controls all united in an unusual setting to confront a threat
non-player characters, a role known as The Blart beyond the normal call of duty, one which will test
Master (BM). their skills, their heart, and their willingness to put it
all on the line. To determine the Blartventure, roll on
To play Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2, players need writing the following three tables.
utensils, something to keep track of their character
sheet on (notecards should do), and a bunch of d12s. The Setting For The Blartventure
Yes, this game uses d12s; the most annoying dice for 1 Las Vegas
the most annoying movie.
2 New York City
Character Creation
3 Paris
To create your character, select five of the following
words or phrases to become your Aspects. You are 4 Tokyo
more effective at anything relating to your Aspects.
5 Cold War Berlin
Mall Cop Valet Dead Mom 6 The Moon
Empty Nester Pianist Oatmeal
What Brings Our Heroes Together
Sleepy Fit In Luggage Swimsuit
1 Trade Show
Ghost Hypoglycemic Las Vegas
2 Awards Ceremony
Bird Fighter Segway Pro Van Gogh
3 Summoned By Mysterious Benefactor
Crack Shot Father Angel Wings
4 Won All-Expenses Paid Vacation
Hungry Immortal Acrobat
5 Funeral Of A Common Friend
Big Gambler USB Drive
6 Foretold By Ancient Prophecy
Drunk Disguised College
What Crisis Will Emerge
Attractive Allergic Horse
1 There’s An Art Heist Happening!
Resilient Overprotective Fart
2 You’ve All Been Framed For Murder!
Criminal Old Banana Hit Old Lady
3 Everyone In This Building Is Trapped!
What these Aspects specifically mean in relation to 4 Evil Birds Are Attacking The City!
your character can be worked out now, or
determined through play. Give your character a 5 Villains Are Going To Blow The Dam!
name too.
6 The Shadow Man Has Raised The Dead!
Write down four things that your character loves.
These could be family, friends, objects, statuses or
Product Placement present in the story as phantom beings, but may only
Before the game begins, as a table, decide upon directly interact with other player characters.
three brands, products, or companies. These three
phrases are Product Placement, and can be invoked Playing Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2
just like Aspects by any character. Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 is played in a series of six
scenes, because if it goes for too long everyone’s
If you ever Blart It after having used a Product going to realize how bad an idea this is and just go
Placement as an Aspect, cross that Product out. play Mario Kart or something.
You’ve violated the brand standards, and can no
longer use the Product Placement. It is up to the BM to set up each scene, describe how
every player character begins the scene, and play
Resolving Action every non-player character.
Any time a player character’s effectiveness at an
action is in question, their success is resolved via the Every scene continues until it reaches a natural
Secure Every Good’un Which Aids You System, or conclusion. This is to the BM’s discretion, but for
SEGWAY System. To resolve an action, gather a d12, ease of play, a sample conclusion has been provided
then add another d12 for every Aspect of your being for each scene.
you can invoke with the action. Roll all of these d12s,
and count the number of them that are higher than The scenes are:
7. These are your total Successes. The BM never rolls 1. All Of The Characters Come Into Town
dice. Conclusion: Everyone meets each other
2. The Common Thing That Brought You Together
Accomplishing your goal always takes 1 Success, Conclusion: The common thing ends disasterously
every following Success can be spent adding an 3. The Crisis Reveals Itself!
additional condition to your goal. If you set out to hit Conclusion: The party escapes an incredible danger!
a henchman with a bean bag gun, it costs one 4. The Party Investigates The Crisis
Success to hit him with the beanbag gun. You could Conclusion: The party knows how to defeat the crisis
spend additional Successes to, say, break his gun, or 5. Inexplicable Battle Against Unrelated Wildlife
knock him into a pool behind him. Conclusion: The party defeats the wildlife threat
6. The Party Battles And Defeats The Crisis
If a character rolls dice and none of them come up Conclusion: The Crisis is beaten, or everyone dies
successes, they’ve Blarted It. The BM should
describe them failing in excessive and inept fashion. Disastrous Failure
If every single player character enters the Lane
Losing What You Love Plane, thus rendering the party incapable of
If a player character Blarts It and the BM decides that interacting with the outside world, then the universe
there should be significant consequences, the BM is brought out of balance and the world plunges into
may decide that the character must lose something darkness.
they love. The player crosses one thing they love off
their character sheet, and describes how that thing At this point, the game is over and you should go do
they love vanishes from their life. The connection something else, but first, take a moment to, as a
between the failed check and the lost love can be group, reflect that you are less successful than Paul
tenuous, but should be at least slightly logical. Blart, a dumb idiot that once got kicked into a
minivan by a horse.
If a character ever needs to cross off a Love, but has
no uncrossed Loves left, the character’s mental state Success!
shatters, and their soul, unable to handle the If you complete the last scene successfully, you win!
trauma, leaves their body and becomes trapped Describe your characters getting everything you ever
between planes. This is referred to as being in the wanted, then, as a table, make a big fart noise, to
Lane Plane. Characters in the Lane Plane are still symbolize how you’ve wasted the last two hours.
