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~The Times~ Limited Fake Edition
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Disclaimer:
Any and all events in this ‘newspaper’ are fake/false. Regardless of us stating this very clearly, there are some people who believe that the earth is flat, that the moon
landing was faked, or that Adolf Hitler has been reincarnated as Adoph In (A dolphin). These are all unavoidably false, as is this ‘newspaper.’ We implore you to attempt
understanding that these stories are absolutely false, and that no matter in them is real. Also,there may be stereotypes in this ‘newspaper’ that some may take offense of;
please disregard them, as this is a comedy fake newspaper. If you insist on believing in these events, we encourage you to see a psychiatrist. Thank you.
WWB Remains Relentless
Authors of Article: Seth Raphael and Shawn Kim
WALNUT CREEK, CA—The Times, live on November 8, 2018, here with our semi-monthly report on the effects of World War
Beverage. So far, a vending machine has transformed Scheherazade Brentwood into a water bottle, and the Soda-et Union has declared
war upon the United States of Aquafina. It has been confirmed that they have deployed various editions of this machine into several
places in the US. It is now deemed unsafe to attempt usage of these machines, as some are real and some are cleverly disguised Water
Bottle Transformers (WBTs). Also, there have been reports describing the stamp of the Soda-et Union appearing in strange locations,
such as the underside of toilets in various US government officials’ bathrooms. This could potentially lead to the United States of
Aquafina retaliating by dropping Water Bottle Bombs (WBBs) on Soda-et Union territories. Beware, this could get ugly. The WBBs
deploy absolutely nothing, but simply attempt to hit you on the head. Their point is to irritate the opposing army so as to make them
lose formation. As you can see, we have the FAR superior weaponry, and are prepared for war. The Soda-et Union has launched
several Nuka-Cola bombs towards us, all but one of which were shot down by our anti-soda guns. The singular Nuka-Cola landed
somewhere in San Francisco, one of the biggest cities in California, and hit a ferry headed to dock and caused it to inexplicably crash
into the Ferry Building, a mystery that everyone has been wondering about for the past few weeks (or months, depending on when this
newsletter comes out). Be on the lookout for these quite deadly projectiles; this has been ~The Times~, we bid you a safe and happy
day.
Dating Website Includes Subcategory
“Inanimate Objects” For the First Time
Author of Article: Shawn Kim
GREENSBORO, NC—A common issue many millenials face when it comes to romantic relationships is the dating of inanimate
objects. While this relationship is common, many dating websites do not include a subcategory for inanimate object dating (IOD). This
all changed, reports Grant Feesaw, when the dating website ♡ Match♡ created a subcategory on their website for inanimate objects that
would like to date humans. The only other dating website that caters inanimate objects is StillLove, a dating website designed
specifically for inanimate objects; though it does include their species, it is not designed for humans and still not considered diverse
enough. We interview Zachary Seameric, who has been dating a small, 15-year-old pear tree named Sandra Peaflower for the past
year.
“It has been very hard to find the perfect match for me, especially because Sandra was, like, a pear tree, y’know?” he says, “But
then I tried ♡ Match♡, and everything changed. It even has a check box of whether you like your trees flowering in the winter, summer,
fall, or spring. ♡Match♡ was amazing! I’m very surprised that no-one thought of this idea, especially since that famous singer, y’know,
Steven Rings, started dating that super-hot brick chic,”
Another user, Ertig Nuyrit, has been attracted to a several million year old boulder.
“I am so grateful for ♡Match♡! Using it, I have been able to finally find love. It was so difficult to find the perfect match, but with
♡Match♡, Rocky practically came to me! I just checked the box for ‘sturdy, staying firm’, and Rocky popped up! I have had such good
times with this boulder, and I am truly grateful to ♡Match♡. We are even planning to have kids next year! Rocky has been expecting
some rock-man babies; this has all been because of ♡Match♡. Thank you!”
Ever since the making of the subcategory on ♡Match♡, the community has had a massive riot. A positive one. Instantly, many
protests have aroused around the world on making the world more Inanimate-Object-Love-friendly; a new term has arisen for this,
IOL, or Inanimate Object Love. 92% of the IOL community would like to see a change, according to an official study passed in
October 2018. Most of the world’s population is begging for a script rewrite as well; stay tuned for more info!
Cooking
Author of recipes: Shawn Kim & Seth Raphael
Author of reviews: Shawn Kim Real Customers, Not Hired Actors!
Chips & Dirt
Our recipe of the week, here at Times Central, is Chips & Dirt! This twist on the classic chips & salsa is sure to get you and your
family very excited! Here are the steps to make your very own organic chips & dirt meal for your entire family:
1. Buy some dirt; the more high-quality it is, the better it tastes. Worms are optional, but if you like that signature squelch!, then
you can purchase them with your order.
2. Blend up the dirt (and worms), until it is thoroughly mixed and a light brown color. If it remains dark brown, you may have
added soil, so please check to make sure, as no one wants to eat soil! (Of course dummy! Dirt is SO much better than soil!)
3. Dip your chips in this, um, flavorful concoction, and get food poisoning and, uh... enjoy!
Reveiws:
★★★★★ I absolutely love it! Whenever idiotic guests and/or government negotiators come over, we invite them to dinner and feed
them Chips & Dirt! It works perfectly, and the best thing is that it’s completely untraceable! The officials think that they died of food
poisoning; they’re just curious on why the victim has ingested so much dirt. Thank you so much, Times! -Former CIA Agent Brucelee
Stintart
★☆☆☆☆ ★★★★★ Horrible— I-I mean deliciously… umm… appetizing!
Man, I was so bummed happy when my family tragically thankfully died after eating this meal liked the chips & dirt; I thought I was
going to commit suicide die of joy! It was so horribly awful that I went to a car wash and requested for my mouth to be deep-cleaned
stupendously wonderful that I would not recommend it to anybody who is in the least bit sane would love to eat a delicious and lovely
meal. I am displeased severely. Thank you!
Red Sox Disbanded for Assaulting man
Through Television
Author of Article: Seth Raphael
BOSTON, MA—The famous and widely known Major League Baseball team, the Boston Red Sox, was temporarily disbanded
and sued for hitting a home-run through the television and severely injuring a man 45 years of age. The man, whose name was Geutrish
Ignathalian, had acquired several injuries, including a broken cheekbone, 9 lost and 2 loose teeth, and a dent in the head with a diameter of
1½ inches and a circumference of approximately 4½ inches total. When this occurred, our reporters instantly (Yup, we can teleport)
rushed to the scene. We found the room in chaos; glass was everywhere, the TV in pieces, and a baseball sitting in the center of the room.
When we interviewed the man, he was talking a bit sluggishly as a result of a spherical ball approximately five-ounce ball made of rubber
and yarn colliding with his cranium. Even through his somewhat unintelligible speech, we could hear a distinct British accent. “Und, as I
was joost sittin’ heer, I was gazing ‘pon the telly, and I see ‘em hit an amazin’ ‘ome ‘un. Un, I’m thinkin’, ‘Wow, tha’ ther’ ball looks
straigh’ comin’ fo’ the camera!’Un’ it was. Fo’ a momen’, the screen wen’ black, and ‘en, this here baseball ‘omes crashin’ through ‘is
here telly!” Once this rant was finished, the man promptly picked up the ball and attempted to hurl it through the television back where it
came from. It didn’t work, and rebounded back to the man and hit him, miraculously, in the same spot as before. He fell to the floor
unconscious, and was sent to the hospital around ten minutes later. Officials say he is recovering, but because he has no health insurance,
Geutrish Ignathalian now has to live on the streets. If you would like to donate money, but find it beneath your dignity to fly all the way to
Boston (providing you are within flying distance; if not, replace it with “drive”, or “walk”), then you may pay any amount greater than 100
US dollars (from the United States of America, not the United States of Aquafina) directly to The Times, and we will keep it for ourselves
even though you could potentially sue us.
“Wait, I didn’t mean to read that! Wasn’t that the script?”
“No, you idiot! That was the technical information footnote in size 9 font at the very end of the newspaper! You always screw things
up! I said I’ll pay you later, okay—”
At this point, our radio connection to our interviewer was cut off, but still we highly encourage you to donate greater than 100 dollars
to Geutrish Ignathalian and also to ignore all the dialogue printed above this paragraph.
World War Geese Monthly Update
Live from The Times, on November 6, 2018, back for your (approximately) monthly update. We have generated a highly specific
and accurate list of COAC Allied Territories, WCI Allied Territories, and Neutral Territories below (and/or Species in no particular
order). Consult if you have any questions about loyalties, or if you think you should be avoiding the following people. The following
signatures have been approved and are 100% of the corresponding government’s consent.
COAC ALLIED NEUTRAL WCI ALLIED
COAC Grass Union WCI Oligarchy
Geese Creek Dwellers Las Lomas Plutocracy
Le Ducks The Monarchy of Cats
Republic of Trees
Beach Chicken Athenian Tice Creek Nerds United States of Aquafina
Democracy
Soda-Et Union Foothill Middle Communists De AnArKiI of DoGz
(The Anarchy of Dogs)
The following is a list of important individuals fitting the categories above (NOTE: Neutral Allied Individuals have not been included
for sake of space):
COAC ALLIED INDIV. PURPOSE WCI ALLIED INDIV. PURPOSE
Donald Duck Head of the Geese (As Donald Seth Raphael Formal Head of the WCI
(Cousin of Donald Trump) Trump is to America) Oligarchy Ambassadors
Webby Head of the COAC Shawn Kim Vice-Head of the WCI
Qvwack-a-Honcksz Oligarchy Ambassadors
Qwacky-McWebz Head of Ducks Lawrence Zhang Vice-Head of the WCI
Oligarchy Ambassadors
Swooshie Cawcaw President of Beach Jordan Wies King of the Monarchy of Cats
Chicken Athenian
Democracy
Sprite Ivanovich Head of the Chief Coca Aquafina President of the United
Military of the States of Aquafina
Soda-Et Union
Latke Raphael CurRENt CHieF O F tHe of De
(Latke Raphael) AnArkII oF DOGz
Ama Tasborn Formal Head of the Foothill Middle
After the first planned raid on Walnut Creek Intermediate, several more geese and duck air-raid formations have been spotted
around the area, including a massive raid on the Lesher Center of the Arts. Several eyewitnesses claim that their production of Hamilton
was interrupted when an extremely large, green projectile crashed through the ceiling and reportedly crushed Lin Manuel-Miranda and
Phillipa Soo during an extremely heartbreaking rendition of Burn. The eyewitnesses hear the screams of “I’m erasing myself from the
narrative, let future historians wonder how Eliza reacted when you broke her heart—AHHH!!!”, which was soon followed by a horrible
squishing sound. We interviewed Hamilton fan Addity Tushrano.
“I was so surprised when that giant poop bomb broke through the ceiling,” Addity reports, “The entire theater was quiet, and right when
they were singing ‘You, you, you…’, we heard a large PBBLTTSHPPP! sound, and creaking and crumbling of wood soon followed after.
When we glanced up to viciously murder whoever was causing such a horrendous noise in such an emotional and crucial part of the play,
we saw a massive, soft, green, umm, pellet, fall through the ceiling and completely crush Eliza and Hamilton!” Addity, soon after, started
weeping and was later diagnosed with long-term depression.
Though the deaths of Hamilton and Eliza were extremely saddening, there have been more bombs being dropped around Walnut Creek to
grieve for them any more. One such example was in the neighboring city of Concord, where an extremely lengthy and extensive
carpet-bombing reduced thousands of homes and shops to a massive heap of rubble in just 15 hours. Many investigations have been held,
but since the specific type of geese-poop bomb was Geese Incendiary Bomb, which is a poisonous substance produced by matter expelled
by a goose who had eaten… um… cafeteria food, and explodes after a set amount of time, causing a large fire, immeasurable property
damage, and numerous angry janitors. As a result, not many individuals have been able to make it out alive to tell the story. We interview
one such lucky investigator by the name of Eutristic Grasplintin.
“Heello, Times! My name eez ze Eutristic Grasplintin. I cannot teel zhou how eexiteng zis eez for me to bee reporteng on zees. Zo, at ze
szene of ze bombing of ze Breeks und Menefegs (Bricks and Minifigs), I um strolling along ze lego beens, and suddenly, ze legos start
rattling. Ze manager zcreamz, ‘Och noch! It must be invasion of lego people, here to claime our rightful slaves, ze menefegs!
OOOCCCCCHHHH NNOOOOCCCHHHH!!!! Save ze wchat zcho can! RUN!!!’ and I eez feeling zee teenzy vweenzy scared, and I start
to grab ze merchendize, and I run oucht ze doore. Ouchtside eez a verily beeg glob of zee poison blob and eet eez a breeleeant greeen
cooloor, and I juest want to take a TEENY LEETLE samplee, but ze glob eenstantlee eats uep my hand, und I eenstantlee ztart to pazz out!
My veezion eez of zee blurry, and I eez paneeking! I qvweekly shake off of zee stuvff, and ztart running avway az fazt az my leetle feet
can coory zee me! Zis iz wye I’m steel alivee todaye, but I steel can feeel ze poop even ze now, and eet tramatizeez mee steel.”
The Bricks and Minifigs store now is a pile of burnt splinters in a pit. (The fires started after the people were evacuated. This bomb had a
defective timer.)
Eutristic Grasplintin is one of the few people to have survived this bombing of the Bricks and Minifigs store; there may be more bombings
around the area, so stay vigilant and alert at all times. This has been The Times, we bid you all a safe and happy day.
Peteetion of Ze Geeze For WCI Arfeld
(Petition of the Geese for WCI Airfield)
Author of this Petition: Zee Geeze
This petition has been brought to you by the COAC in an attempt to monopolize their industry of an airport on our main field here
at WCI. They have paid us extensively to get us to include it persuaded us with their kindness and offers of gratitude, and we feel it only
right to show them that we care. Also, saying no would provoke them to attack more viciously than ever before, and we don’t want that!
So, without further ado, here is the Petition of the Geese for WCI Oligarchy Airfield.
Cheelo chumans. Eet eez uz, ze geeze, wiz our peeteetion for ze arfeld on ze your maeen grazz spaze. Wche wouchld machke
much mochre profits zat chway, und eet wchould bee nice tchoo chave. Wche wchill now swicht tcho geegle translat for youchr
conviniance.
We need to have an airfield for a number of reasons: our first is that we geese, beach chickens, and other such avian creatures are taking off
and landing much of the time, and often without approval from the WCI Oligarchy. Having an airfield there would make it less likely for
crashes and miscommunications. Secondly, we want to make a profit from it to help us along in our war with you and all of your allies
other people. And finally… ok, we have no final reason. But please, if you care anything about us poor birds, sign the petition and help a
soul. WCI has required only 30 signatures, so let’s get these filled as soon as possible! This has been Ze Geeze, we bid you a day being
conquered by us a safe and happy day.
1. Donald Duck
2. Webby Qvwack-a-Honcksz
3. Qwacky-McWebz
4. Swooshie Cawcaw
5. Sprite Ivanovich
6. Sir Cityrat Poops-a-lot
7. Definitely-Not-a-Goose
8. Definitely-Not-a-Duck
9. Definitely-Not-a-Beach-Chicken
10. Definitely-Not-Sprite-Ivanovich
11. Definitely-Not-Donald-Duck
12. Definitely-Not-Webby-Qvwack-a-Honcksz
13. Definitely-Not-Swooshie-Cawcaw
14. Definitely-Not-Sir-Cityrat-Poops-a-Lot
15. A Goose
16. My imaginary friends and I (I have no real ones)
17. Bob
18. Jerry
19. Joe
20. CARROTS… Inc.
Carrots...Carrots...CARROTS...CARROTS...CARROTS...CARROTS...
21. Jon
22. Gerry
23. Addity Tushrano
24. Eutristic Grasplintin (Eutristic Grasplintin)
25. Ertig Nuyrit
26. Michael
27.
28.
29.
30.
