Hunger Pains
Written by: Andrew Wales
Characters: Narrator, kid 1, kid 2, Survivor 1, Survivor 2, Gunman, Grandma
(Setting: An old broken down house. The place is practically a shack. Obvious
attempts at fixing the place up have been made, but to no avail. There are simply not
enough resources to repair an old man’s house. An old woman sits in a corner
asleep).
[kid 1 and 2 burst in the room fighting, grandma wakes up suddenly]
Grandma: ILL KILL YOU LENARD NEMOY! What the… HEY!
kid 1: Hey give that back! That’s my hot pocket I saw it first!
kid 2: Yeah well I grabbed it first! First come first serve!
(The two struggle over the hot pocket. Grandma looks confused)
[Enter narrarator. An old guy]
Narr: Hey there children what seems to be the problem?
kid 1: Well grandpa, she took my hot pocket and I was calling her out on it!
kid 2: Well she shouldn’t just leave it out in the open! And why do I always get crap
for stuff like this? A dog could have eaten it and I STILL woulda been blamed!
Narr: now now now, nobody is blaming you for anything!
Grandma: He’s right! Personally, I blame him for EVERYTHING!!!
(narrator glares at grandma)
Narr: You Children should share you know!
kid 1: Gramps, nobody shares anymore. Not in this world we live in. You either get
held up for the can of beans you have or you’re the one with the gun!
Grandma: I’ve shared the last 50 years of my life with this moron didn’t I?
(narrator glares at her, then ignores her insult)
Narr: It didn’t used to be like that you know… Back in my day we had these things
called “manners”
kid 2: Manners?
Narr: yes manners! Actually… this reminds me of something. Take a seat kids, let me
tell you one of my old war stories! (sits in chair)
Grandma: Oh god… again? That’s like the 7th time today… (Rolls eyes in disgust)
(Narrarator starts to narrate)
Narr: Back when I was your age, and this is after the outbreak, the coup and the war
mind you, it was very hard to even breathe without getting your lungs fried!
Eventually, the great heat from the bombing died down, and that’s when people
started to leave their shelters and basements.
kid 1: Is that when the looting started?
Narr: Oh yes! Those were very dreadful times…
Grandma: beats the pain I’m going through right now by listening to another one of
your asinine stories!
Narr: …anyway! I was trying to dig my way out from my basement, when I realized
that I wasn’t alone in my house! There were two people there! Fighting over MY
food!
Kid 2: Oh my gosh! What did you do?!
Narr: well if you’d LET ME GET THERE! Ahem…
[Enter survivor 1 and survivor 2 in a flash back scene]
Survivor 1: Yes! Food! Finally im starving!
Survivor 2: Hey! What the hell are you doing? Im in charge of keeping my family fed
and that’s my can of beans!
Survivor 1: Well helloooooooo little ms. fancy pants! I got news for you lady you
aint leadin’ but two things right now: Jack and crap! And jack left town… Besides I
saw it first…
Narr: The two began to argue and fight!
[Survivor’s in flashback begin to fight]
Survivor’s 1 and 2: (incomprehensible arguing and yelling)
Narr: Suddenly, another person entered my home!
[gunman sneaks in from behind until noticeable by survivors 1 and 2. They stop
fighting to stare at him]
Gunman: exqueeeeze me ladies! I have come here to chew bubble gum and kick
ass… (Raises gun) and im all outta bubblegum!
[Gunman shoots survivor 1 and 2 in matrix style slo-mo while shouting random one-
liners, takes can of beans]
Gunman: heh heh… don’t mind if I do! Ima starvin’ lil midget!
[Takes can, then struts away laughing like a maniac. The two girls look shocked]
Grandma: you forgot the bit where the guy see’s you, pops a grenade in your little
hole and spares me the pain of ever meeting you!
(kids ignore grandma’s insult)
kid 1: Grandpa, what was the point of that story?! Don’t you think you might damage
our nubile young minds with something so morbid?
Narr: I can think of somethings that are a million times more morbid mah-boy!
Kid 1: grandpa, im a girl remember? And what do you mean “a million times more
morbid?”
Narr: well do you wanna know how I know all this information?
(kid 1 and 2 nod)
Narr: well… heh heh… I was the gunman! (smiles devilishly)
(kid 1 and 2 cry out in fear)
Grandma: No your not! (sounds annoyed) I was the one who dug you out of your
basement! And you’ve told that story so many times that it’s got more holes in it
than 50 cent in an emergency room! HA!
Kid 1: who’s “50 cent?” (question goes ignored)
Narr: Oh shut up you smart alec, I am trying to teach them a lesson!
kid 2: which is?!
Narr: Don’t fight over things we take for granted! Especially food. In this crazy world
we live in we cant afford to fight each other. Share or die. (Solemnly)
Kid 2: okay okay we will share more! Just no more stories today please?
[The two kids, shocked at the story, split the hot pocket then run off. Kid 1 pops her
head back into the room]
kid 1: grandpa, grandma, don’t forget to take your Dementia, Alzheimer’s, and stool
softener pills cocktail! (leaves)
Narr: Ahhh another story told, another lesson learned!
Grandma: hey how are we still alive? Were like 60? 70? and the life expectancy in
this world is around 30…?
Narr: hmmm… I guess that is a story I should save for another time my dear…
(Stares off into space stoically before suddenly falling asleep and snoring VERY
loudly)
Grandma: (sighs) Frank… I hate you… (Shakes head in disgust)
THE END
