3 Signs of Bad Church Leadership
1. Disrespect for your boundaries
Never rush into getting involved with a new church. It’s important to take time
deciding how, where, and when you want to participate. Beware of any pressure
that is requested of you to jump in with both feet.
As a counselor, I recommend saying, “No, thank you,” during the early stages of
visiting a church. Here’s why: When you say “No” to a request for serving, leading,
or joining a church group, you will quickly identify if your “No” can be met with
respect.
For example, if you say, “No, thanks, I’m not ready to commit yet,” that response
should be honored without any guilt or pressure. But, if a church leader responds to
your “No” by trying to make you feel guilty, manipulated, or belittled, then that’s a
red flag of potentially bad church leadership.
In addition, you should never feel forced to share private details about your life
before you are comfortable. Trust takes time to develop. Forced vulnerability is not
healthy vulnerability. It’s manipulation. Instead, maintain a limit around what you
share, with whom, and when.
You should never be criticized for maintaining certain areas of privacy. For example,
if you are separated or divorced, and someone asks, “Why isn’t your husband with
you?” You might simply say, “I am divorced,” or “There’s a lot to that story,” without
offering any apology or explanation. Then notice the response.
Can the listener respect you without attempting to pull out further data? Are they
willing to earn your trust? Or, do they badger you for more details and guilt-trip you
into spilling your guts? These are telltale signs that are important to notice.
2. Disregard for people who are hurting
A church is not a cruise ship. It’s a hospital for the hurting. Does everyone around
you seem to have it all together? Does it feel like you must leave your struggles at
the door on Sunday morning? That’s another red flag. Bad church leadership creates
an unhealthy culture where people are expected to be perfect.
Instead, look for a church that is willing to talk about difficult issues, such as
depression, doubt, loneliness, and anger. Does the pastor avoid talking about painful
subjects from the pulpit? Does he or she say that you should never feel lonely or
sad? Notice how church leaders treat people who are struggling. A healthy church
encourages their members to grow while maintaining a deep understanding that
even faithful people who love God experience struggle and hard times.
For example, I’ll never forget a church that I attended back in college. The pastor
gave great sermons, but the church members made fun of other people behind their
backs. One day, I heard the pastor tell a mocking joke in public about another
church member. I was horrified. I had only attended that church for a few months.
But, that pastor’s expression of cruelty scarred my mind. Since then, I made it a
point to choose a church based on how well the leadership talks about other people
when no one is looking.
3. Lack of humility and openness
Wise church leaders enable space for their congregation to hold various
perspectives. But, controlling church leaders expect every member to toe the party
line or risk being kicked out. Control can take the form of rigid expectations and
demands with little room for nuance or healthy debate. In addition, signs of bad
church leadership can take the form of celebrity worship, where everyone is
expected to adore the folks on staff.
In any family environment, there should be room for disagreement, especially a
church family. Healthy church leaders stand firm on their perspective, but they also
show humility. Confident leaders share their viewpoint, and they also invite rich,
respectful dialogue with those who disagree.
For example, you should ask yourself if it’s okay to tell a church leader, “I’m not sure
I agree with that viewpoint.” Will your perspective be met with curiosity? Or, are
you are expected to jump on that leader’s bandwagon? If so, that’s controlling and a
key sign of bad church leadership.
Why is this point important? If a church won’t create space for you to engage in
hard topics, then how will it help you grow? People don’t heal under the weight of
controlling leadership. People heal as they are invited into a healthy, honest
relationship.
Even the best of churches will let you down from time to time. But, if you notice signs of bad
church leadership, such as manipulation, criticism, or control tactics, then it’s best to cut your
losses and leave before it’s too late.
Instead, look for church leadership that respects your boundaries, cares for those
who are hurting the most, and exhibits humility with difficult topics. That’s the kind
of place where you will find the healing and spiritual growth that you need.
A church family should be focused on supporting and caring for you as you grow in
learning how to love God, love others, and care well for yourself. Choosing which
church to attend is a big decision. So, take your time early in the process and get to
know the leadership.
Don’t let anyone rush you. Get to know a few people and ask a few hard questions,
especially if you’ve been hurt in the past. It’s okay to move slowly and take your
time building trust. If a church tries to rush your commitment, then keep looking.
There are plenty of good church families out there.
Fourteen Symptoms of Toxic Church Leaders
Most church leaders are godly and healthy. A toxic church leader, one that is figuratively
poisonous to the organization, is rare. But it is that church leader who brings great harm to
churches and other Christian organizations. And it is that leader that hurts the entire cause
of Christ when word travels about such toxicity.
In my Monday post, I noted the traits of long-term, healthy pastors. I now travel to the
opposite extreme and provide symptoms of the worst kind of church leaders, toxic church
leaders.
1. They rarely demonstrate the fruit of the Spirit. Paul notes those specific attributes
in Galatians 5:22-23: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faith, gentleness,
and self-control. You won’t see them much in toxic leaders.
2. They seek a minimalist structure of accountability. Indeed, if they could get away
with it, they would operate in a totally autocratic fashion, with heavy, top down
leadership.
3. They expect behavior of others they don’t expect of themselves. “Do as I say, not
as I do.”
4. They see almost everyone else as inferior to themselves. You will hear them
criticizing other leaders while building themselves up.
5. They show favoritism. It is clear that they have a favored few while they marginalize
the rest.
6. They have frequent anger outbursts. This behavior takes place when they don’t get
their way.
7. They say one thing to some people, but different things to others. This is a soft
way of saying they lie.
8. They seek to dismiss or marginalize people before they attempt to develop
them. People are means to their ends; they see them as projects, not God’s people
who need mentoring and developing.
9. They are manipulative. Their most common tactic is using partial truths to get their
way.
10. They lack transparency. Autocratic leaders are rarely transparent. If they get
caught abusing their power, they may have to forfeit it.
11. They do not allow for pushback or disagreement. When someone does
disagree, he or she becomes the victim of the leader’s anger and marginalization.
12. They surround themselves with sycophants. Their inner circle thus often
includes close friends and family members, as well as a host of “yes people.”
13. They communicate poorly. In essence, any clarity of communication would
reveal their autocratic behavior, so they keep their communications unintelligible and
obtuse.
14. They are self-absorbed. In fact, they would unlikely see themselves in any of
these symptoms.
Yes, toxic leaders are the distinct minority of Christian leaders. But they can do harm to the
cause of Christ disproportionate to their numbers. And they can get away with their behavior
for years because they often have a charismatic and charming personality. Charming like a
snake.
4 Members Who Tear Down the
Church
Article
11.08.2019
Healthy churches are a powerful and attractive witness. In a recent article, I described six kinds of members
who build up the church. Unfortunately, even in a healthy church, not every member pursues unity.
What kind of members wound our witness? What kind of members do not build up the body of Christ?
Consider these four:
1. The member who loves to be an armchair critic.
These days, cynicism seems cool. In a world dominated by social media and self-expression, cynicism is
easily mistaken for wisdom and enlightenment. In Christian circles, people build entire ministries on
cynicism; their purpose is to tell you what’s wrong with everyone else. And in our self-deception we manage
to veil our critical spirits as wisdom.
Armchair critics are bent on finding fault with what others are doing while doing nothing themselves. They’re
apathetic to things that are going on and are disappointed when you succeed. They’re quick to condemn and
slow to commend. They falsely place themselves as judge, and you never hear them admit wrong. Cynics
can never be pleased nor satisfied.
More often than not, cynicism hides the wounds of bitterness and even hatred. This type of member can
destroy the unity and joy of the church.
2. The member who never attends.
It’s amazing how many people are eager to be “members” of a local church without also being eager to
faithfully attend. It’s far too common for churches to have vast discrepancies between the membership roll
and actual attendance on Sunday. Most churches have far more members on paper than in reality.
The New Testament encourages believers to gather weekly to worship God and serve one another (1 Cor.
11; 16:2); it even warns believers about the dangers of non-attendance (Heb. 10:23–25). This invariably
means that non-attending members are willfully disregarding the Lord’s command to fellowship with other
believers and pursue discipling relationships. Granted, there are some valid reasons for not attending.
Non-attending members are an oxymoron. They don’t want to serve and use their gifts to edify other
believers, and by not attending they actually remove themselves from the platform where they can minister
and be ministered to. Over time, they harm the unity and mission of the church.
3. The member with a divisive spirit.
Divisive people are often driven by a desire to be in charge. They want their opinions heard and
implemented—with near total agreement from everyone else. Divisive people expect you to consult them
about an issue, and if you don’t not consult them in particular, they rise lash out.
The ironic thing about people with a divisive spirit is that they sometimes have a sincere concern about the
church’s well-being. Jamie Dunlop sums it up perfectly: “We rally support to get people to see things our
way. Behavior like that, no matter the virtue of the original concern, quickly causes factions and dissension
within the church, something Paul lists alongside idolatry, witchcraft, and fits of rage (Gal. 5:20). We must
address discontentment carefully because it so often bears the fruit of discord.”
4. The member who loves to meddle and gossip (a.k.a., the busy-body).
Meddlers often gossip. They’re in the business of gathering information about people and their affairs with
the purpose of sharing it with others. They have an inquisitiveness masked as care and concern, when in
actual fact they simply cannot mind their own business.
Such people make healthy discipling relationships very difficult because you have to be guarded around
them for fear of your issues being shared with someone else. Busy-bodies cause strife between saints, and
always find themselves in the middle of conflict between others.
CONCLUSION
The arm chair critic, the non-attending member, the divisive member, and the busy-body. They all have a
common thread: self-centeredness. They’ve missed the very essence of salvation; they’ve failed to love God
and love people with every ounce of their being.
Furthermore, they forget that the church of God doesn’t exist for their comfort and happiness but for the glory
of God. And in God’s design, that means loving people with diverse preferences and opinions—and yet still
loving like Christ loved us.
What’s the result of this kind of love? A unity that displays the power, wisdom, and glory of God, a oneness
that becomes a powerful witness to the world.
