Chheng 1

Understanding the Relationship Between Apology and Forgiveness

Monyka Chheng

Department of Communications Salt Lake Community College

COMM 1080: Conflict Management and Diversity

Professor Jodie Jones

May 3, 2020
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Overview

Apologizing and forgiveness are strategies to resolve the disagreement when conflict arises. In

communication, an apology and/ or forgiveness helps an individual carry on with their life.

Apology has the power to restore damaged relationships, heal humiliation, and generate

forgiveness. Forgiveness is effective when there is reconciliation and it has the ability to repair

relationships, create new ones, and have individuals move on with their life. Apologizing and

forgiveness are similar because their success hinges on effective execution. I will be discussing

how apology and forgiveness correlate with each other. When people think of forgiveness, this

often assumes an apology was given, and granted when someone apologizes an individual is not

always forgiven for their actions. Similarly, there are different reasons why people apologize and

forgive, different ways of doing so it can benefit or damage a relationship.

Concept
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In human communication, when there is conflict, the idea for reconciliation is an apology

from the wrongdoer and forgiveness from the person who has been hurt to protect the

relationship. That is not always the case, when making an apology there is a right way to

apologize. The successful apology requires empathy and the security and strength to admit fault,

failure, and weakness (Lazarre, 1995 p. 1). The second ingredient of a successful apology is an

explanation for why you committed the offense in the first place (Lazarre, 1995 p. 3 ). There is

such a thing as an unsuccessful apology known as a botched apology, this type of apology has

not been delivered. Potentially a botched apology could do more damage to the relationship or

worsen it. There are four motives for why an individual will apologize: restoring a relationship

with someone you care about or ally with; feeling empathetic for the one who has been hurt by

the transgressor; escaping punishment, and relieving one’s guilty conscience of self perception.

Apologizing has the power to restore damaged relationships, boost one’s self-concept, and heal

relationships.

Some individuals never apologize due to their pride or deny they are capable of hurting

someone. This type of person struggles to face the truth for their actions. When we hurt someone

is, first it is difficult to forgive themselves (Eftimie, S. 2019 p. 50). Asking for forgiveness is the

way to eliminate the disequilibrium between what we want to be and who we are (Eftimie, S.

2019 p. 51), this will allow an individual to own up to their mistake and make a true apology.

Sometimes forgiveness does not come with an apology, but an individual may proceed to

forgive someone to reframe how they view the world and move on. Forgiveness is a cognitive

process that consists of letting go of feelings of revenge and desire to retaliate (Cahn, D.,

Abigail, R., 2014 p. 6). It works best with reconciliation, an action to restore or create a new

relationship. Reconciliation is dependent on whether the offender's destructive behavior and

intentions change (Freedman, S. 1998 p.3). Forgiveness takes time, it is not an overnight process.

For some people it may take years. Forgiving may lead to reconciliation, but reconciliation is not

a requirement (Freedman, S. 1998 p.5). Forgiving someone is often deemed a courageous act that

allows the one who has been hurt to remove the burden carried on their shoulder. However when

an apology is given, forgiveness will not always be granted back. Asking for forgiveness is not

easy, but is a necessary act of courage and a construction behavior for healthy relationships

(Eftimie, S. 2019 p. 53). Unforgiveness is a cognitive process in which one doesn’t let go of

feelings of revenge and maintains desire to retaliate (Cahn, D., Abigail, R., 2014 p.6). Choosing

not to forgive can cause damage to mental and physical health. Those who chose not to forgive

have lower pain tolerance, sleep disruption, and may be diagnosed with cardiovascular health

problems. People with forgiving characteristics sleep better, have lower blood pressure, and

move on with their life without the burden of retaliation. A study conducted by Toussaint and

Friedman (2009) found that gratitude and forgiveness were positively with well-being among

clinical outpatients undergoing psychotherapy. Their study implies that higher gratitude and

forgiveness results in higher well-being and lower problematic behavior (Orbon, M., Mercado,

J., Balila, J., 2015 p.13). As mentioned in the passage, forgiveness is not easy especially when no

apology was given. It will take time and it is an act of self- growth that creates healthy behavior

and relationships internally and externally.

Analysis

An experience I had with apology and forgiveness was when I was 19 years old, me and

my best friends Jasmine and Jesus planned a trip to go to Disneyland in California. This trip

exposed our actual friendship with each other because it showed who was closer with who. It

was the first time and Jesus and I have gone to Disneyland in a long time, but Jasmine goes to
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Disneyland multiple times every year. Jesus and I were not ready for the long walks in the hot

scorching sun and an hour wait for a ride that lasted a few minutes. I was starting to get sick and

tired from running back and forth between the two parks in Disneyland so I asked Jasmine if we

could take a break. She hesitated to say yes because she wanted to keep moving forward as if we

did not have enough time. In reality, we had a four day pass to explore the whole park. She got a

little upset and she started to secretly message Jesus to talk about me taking breaks and being

picky about rides (in my defense, some rides I knew would make me nauseous) when I was

sitting right next to them.

Sooner or later, I decided to take a day off from Disneyland to let my feet heal from all

the walking because I had worn sandals, this was a bad idea and I learned from and will not

make that mistake again. After that day, I felt Jasmine and Jesus had bonded and I started to feel

left out. because I felt I was unheard. We were doing everything based on what Jasmine wanted

to do. Jesus trying to be neutral about everything did not help with the conflict between Jasmine

and I . Towards the end of the trip I told them my honest opinion about the trip. They were both

upset with me, and I was upset with them, for different reasons, so after the trip we stopped

seeing each other.

Jesus and I went two months without talking. Our mental health started to decline and

there were changes in our lives we missed supporting each other through. One day I apologized

and he reciprocated. He told me he didn’t realize my feelings for being hurt, and did not know

how to handle it; he was not trying to hurt me from the beginning. We forgave each other and

reconciled, he is the one friend I can rely on. As with me and Jasmine, we stopped associating

with each other, never apologized to each other and stopped being friends. I was sad our

friendship ended and I wanted to apologize, but I was also too prideful and wanted her to initiate
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the reconciliation. Still to this day we have not spoken, but I forgive her and I hope she can

forgive me and herself. I hope nothing, but the best for Jasmine.

Reflection

If I run into a conflict with someone, I will second guess actions to avoid hurting them. I

want to be able to restore a relationship by acknowledging what my actions caused, I must accept

that forgiveness isn’t always granted. An apology will allow me to forgive myself, because

apologizing can be hard sometimes when I realize I am the one at fault, making me insecure

about what type of person I am. By acknowledging my mistake, it will avoid those feelings of

insecurities. Forgiveness will help me have a better relationship with myself and create stronger

relationships with people I care for.

References

Cahn, D., Abigail, R. (2014) Managing conflict through communication (5th Edition)

Eftimie, S. (2019). Forgiveness and Apologizes in Human Relationships. Jus et Civitas

FREEDMAN, S. (1998). Forgiveness and Reconciliation: The Importance of

Lazare, A. (1995, January 01). Go Ahead, Say You're Sorry. 1-7

Orbon, M., Mercado, J., Balila, J., Effects of Forgiveness Therapy on Recovery among
Residents of Drug Rehabilitation Centers, Procedia - Social and Behavioral Sciences,
Volume 165, 6 January 2015, p. 13)