ORIGINAL COPY BY: KRYSTAL ALEC GENSON
Executive Dysfunction.
I peered closely at the two words on my screen, not entirely sure what they meant. I was
reading a blog post about laziness and procrastination manifesting in neurodivergent people, or
lengthily put, those who bear the burden of having behavioural disorders such as ADHD or
OCD. Supposedly, no one is ever really lazy - studies have shown that most people have valid
reasons behind not doing things they should be doing, such as fear of failure or rejection, hyper-
perfectionism, or these two words on my phone screen, italicised, that I couldn't understand.
Executive Dysfunction. Granted, this was a blog post so I had to take the information with a
grain of salt, but I was curious. I opened a new tab then, copied and pasted the term into the
search box and scrolled through the results. Apparently, the human brain has executive
functions that enable a typical human being to do what they need to do - a set of cognitive
processes that enable an individual to live life as functional as they can be. But when one has a
behavioural disorder, they dampen one's ability to perform these functions properly leading to all
sorts of problems - one of them procrastination. And boy, do I have a problem with
procrastination.
I remember vividly the nights I spent in my first year of college, crying in front of my computer
because I had too many homework assignments I had to get through, none of which the
instructions made any sense and also none of which I knew to answer. I had no friends who
could help, no adults to ask, and no matter how much I rushed - even skipping meals and sleep
- I was always late. One of these nights I had a take-home seatwork, due 11:59 pm, where I had
to program a set of asterisks to form a triangle on the screen, and I just couldn't do it. My mind
was empty and, reeling from the rush of caffeine and sugar (I drank two to three cups of coffee
a day then), I lay on my bed, contemplating the choices I'd made in life that led me to that
moment. I am a jerk, I'd said to myself. I am a jerk i am a jerk i am a jerk i am a jerk. I was
wasting my mother's hard earned money for tuition fees and I couldn't even do homework. I
stared at the computer screen, the tiny cursor going blink, blink, blink.
Do your homework, I chided myself.
I can't, a voice would reply in my head.
Please just do the homework, I would beg. I would plead my brain to work but it wouldn't.
You should've done it earlier, I would think. It's 11:00 pm and no one will help you and you won't
pass this subject because you're stupid and alone and a jerk and a jerk and a jerk. To your
classmates, to your professors, to yourself. You're always late and you don't even have a
reason. You're just lazy. You had three days to do this and you're just crying about it an hour
before the deadline, like a baby. You're weak and pathetic and if you do fail you deserve it.
Stop it, I would try to counteract. It was crazy, talking to my own brain. But I could never make
the voice stop.
I'd lie in bed, tears rolling down my cheeks, the glow of the laptop screen my only light, staring
at an empty Eclipse IDE screen. Blink, blink, blink, the cursor would go, indifferent to my woes.
Beside me, the contents of my schoolbag were spilled across the floor, some unwashed plates
and coffee mugs next to them, and unfolded clothes sprawled about, as chaotic as the mess
that was my life. The clock would tick especially loud then, reminding me of my impending
deadline. 11:15. 11:30. 11:45. I was still staring at an empty screen, drowning in tears and self-
admonition.
I had so many of these nights, that time. No matter how hard I tried in class or how early I woke
up or followed a planned schedule, I just couldn't seem to run away from it. To this day I still
have the problem of not being able to convince my brain to do things when I should be doing
them, homework or no, and all these bouts of procrastination have wrecked my academics, my
reputation and, unfortunately, a few friendships. But it was never just me being lazy for kicks
and giggles. I would've loved to have been the reliable friend, the decent groupmate, the model
student. But everytime I would force myself to act like a normal human being I end up spiraling
down to the person I'd become. I cannot express enough how glad I am that discussions about
mental and behavioural disorders are being had in more open spaces these days; I'm not
entirely sure if I have one, but the fact that I know that I am not alone, and that entire fields of
medical study has proven that they are a human occurrence, and that there are terms to add to
my vocabulary (executive dysfunction, attention deficit, attentional bias, hyperfixation, to name a
few) gives me some measure of relief at least. I owe it to my past self to get better. I have to get
better. And maybe someday, I will.
EDITED COPY BY: HERMAN CALIZO
Executive Dysfunction
I peered closely at the two words on my screen, not entirely sure what they
meant. I was reading a blog post about laziness and procrastination manifesting in
neurodivergent people, or lengthily put, those who bear the burden of having behavioural
disorders such as ADHD or OCD. Supposedly, no one is ever really lazy - studies have shown
that most people have valid reasons behind not doing things they should be doing, such as fear
of failure or rejection, hyper-perfectionism, or these two words on my phone screen, italicised,
that I couldn't understand. Executive Dysfunction. Granted, this was a blog post so I had to take
the information with a grain of salt, but I was curious. I opened a new tab then, copied and
pasted the term into the search box and scrolled through the results. Apparently, the human
brain has executive functions that enable a typical human being to do what they need to do - a
set of cognitive processes that enable an individual to live life as functional as they can be. But
when one has a behavioural disorder, they dampen one's ability to perform these functions
properly leading to all sorts of problems - one of them is procrastination. And boy, do I have a
problem with procrastination.
I remember vividly the nights I spent in my first year of college, crying in front of
my computer because I had too many homework assignments I had to get through, none of
which the instructions made any sense and also none of which I knew to answer. I had no
friends who could help, no adults to ask, and no matter how much I rushed - even skipping
meals and sleep - I was always late. One of these nights I had a take-home seatwork, due
11:59 pm, where I had to program a set of asterisks to form a triangle on the screen, and I just
couldn't do it. My mind was empty and, reeling from the rush of caffeine and sugar (I drank two
to three cups of coffee a day then), I lay on my bed, contemplating the choices I'd made in life
that led me to that moment. I am a jerk, I'd said to myself. I am a jerk, I am a jerk, I am a jerk. I
was wasting my mother's hard earned money for tuition fees and I couldn't even do homework. I
stared at the computer screen, the tiny cursor going blink, blink, blink.
Do your homework, I chide myself. I can't, a voice would reply in my head.
Please just do the homework, I would beg. I would plead my brain to work but it wouldn't. You
should've done it earlier, I would think. It's 11:00 pm and no one will help you and you won't
pass this subject because you're stupid and alone and a jerk and a jerk and a jerk. To your
classmates, to your professors, to yourself. You're always late and you don't even have a
reason. You're just lazy. You had three days to do this and you're just crying about it an hour
before the deadline, like a baby. You're weak and pathetic and if you do fail you deserve it. Stop
it, I would try to counteract. It was crazy, talking to my own brain. But I could never make the
voice stop.
I'd lie in bed, tears rolling down my cheeks, the glow of the laptop screen my only
light, staring at an empty Eclipse IDE screen. Blink, blink, blink, the cursor would go, indifferent
to my woes. Beside me, the contents of my schoolbag were spilled across the floor, some
unwashed plates and coffee mugs next to them, and unfolded clothes sprawled about, as
chaotic as the mess that was my life. The clock would tick especially loud then, reminding me of
my impending deadline. 11:15. 11:30. 11:45. I was still staring at an empty screen, drowning in
tears and self-admonition.
I had so many of these nights, that time. No matter how hard I tried in class or
how early I woke up or followed a planned schedule, I just couldn't seem to run away from it. To
this day I still have the problem of not being able to convince my brain to do things when I
should be doing them, homework or no, and all these bouts of procrastination have wrecked my
academics, my reputation and, unfortunately, a few friendships. But it was never just me being
lazy for kicks and giggles. I would've loved to have been the reliable friend, the decent
groupmate, the model student. But everytime I would force myself to act like a normal human
being I end up spiraling down to the person I'd become. I cannot express enough how glad I am
that discussions about mental and behavioural disorders are being had in more open spaces
these days; I'm not entirely sure if I have one, but the fact that I know that I am not alone, and
that entire fields of medical study has proven that they are a human occurrence, and that there
are terms to add to my vocabulary (executive dysfunction, attention deficit, attentional bias,
hyperfixation, to name a few) gives me some measure of relief at least. I owe it to my past self
to get better. I have to get better. And maybe someday, I will.
