16 Backdoor
Student touches on subject, then on self.
The Pioneer Log, January 28, 2011
It began like any other day in Professor Eugenia Cromwells 400 level Faulkner seminar. Students raised their hands to make mildly germane cultural references, comment on the strange stylistic choices, and ask as eruditely as possible, What in the name of all that is holy is going on in this book? When Leopold Headgrave III (11) raised his hand, the students rolled their eyes and braced themselves to endure what they thought would likely be a ve minute commentary on his proposed signi cance of grass in As I Lay Dying. However, much to the horror of one student, Leopolds input served to stroke more than his ego.
You: A sight for sore eyes Me: Recovering from conjunctivitis
You Caught My Eye
You: Ultimate drunk texter Me: dnt knmw how 2 t l u uuhat i like u You: High-strung PoliSci Goddess Me: Wanna be your rst man
You: Bull riding champion of the Glowdeo Me: Want to show you what its like to ride something less mechanical You: Packed me a fat bowl Me: Would like to return the favor. Call me!
You: Dorm-dwelling dubstep end Me: Want to wommmwomwomwomwomwommmmp you right in the face
His masturbatory language had descended into literal masturbation! decried fellow English major Gelya Masco (11). Priding herself as both a dutiful student of literature and an intellectual, Masco took a moment to determine whether Headgraves action contained any symbolic implications undetectable to the common observer. I thought that since he was talking about grass, he was perhaps attempting to allegorically represent Priapus, a god of fertility and protector of livestock, Masco mused, but then I realized that such an overt use of symbolism is nearly always construed as adolescent and Priapus distasteful. Masco was then purported to shriek and yell, Oh my God. Gross, until ameliorative action was taken. I had often sensed that Leopolds various ejaculationserroutbursts err comments in class were unwanted by the other students, stated Professor Cromwell, but I never wanted to castra discourage him, as he always seemed so virile eager, I mean. Cromwell went on to say that she, as well as the other students in the class, knew of Headgraves opinions on the mediocrity of Proust, the unnecessary use of quotation marks, the unmatched brilliance of Philip Roth, and Gertrude Steins hidden agenda, but none would have predicted such shocking action from him. School psychologists too are stumped at how to address this incredibly unique case. Our rst instinct was to diagnose him with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, said psychologist Viktor Boonsday. Unfortunately, since the disorder has recently been removed from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Headgraves current diagnosis remains creepy douchebag. In an uncharacteristic move for individuals accused of such violations, Headgrave contacted this reporter to explain his side of the story:
(cont. at right )
Wanna mack on somebody in a public forum? Email a You Caught My Eye to piolog@[Link]
(cont. from Student touches)
All of this is just so archetypal of the comprehensive hypocrisy of Academia. We extol freedom of expression, but the puritanical values and sexual trepidation rampant amongst <intellectuals> will always sti e the truly illuminating brilliance of boundary-shattering art. I mean, where do they propose the term <seminar> comes from? Its root word is semen! I was merely striving to transport the class to its Greco-Roman roots, to challenge them to look past an exterior of sexual deviance, and experience the true potency of intellectual exchange. Have they even read Bataille? de Sade? Lawrence? von Sacher-Masoch? Swinburne? I have.
e consequences of Headgraves actions will continue to unfold in the coming weeks.
How I spent my winter vacation, LC style
I had the most__________ [life-changing / exquisite / banal / f*ckin awesome / mediocre] winter vacation! I __________ [gave aid to starving children / took a gondola through the canals in Venice / rented the entire lmography of an obscure foreign director with a cult following / smoked... weed...every...day... / realized why I left home and came to college]. I nally got a chance to read __________ [the autobiography of Mohandas Gandhi / e Warren Bu ett Way / Gravitys Rainbow... Yeah, its Pynchon / the ingredient list on a bag of Cheetos. whoooaaa, dude... whoooaaaaaa / too many things to count. All I did was read]. I ate __________ [quinoa and
mushroom croquettes with a nutritional yeast and liquid amino gravy. All vegan, all organic, all fair trade. / Filetto Di Bue Alla Griglia Con Porcini Freschi made by the nest chef in Italy / PBR and various breakfast foods from 24-hour diners / ramen / whatever my mom made] almost every day! e best times I had were spent __________ [meditating / mingling with attractive Europeans / getting drunk and asserting my opinions in public / trippin baaaallllssssss / watching HBO]. It was really great seeing __________ [Tanya and Henry / Mummy and Daddykins / my accursed progenitors / the rents / Mom and Dad] again. Even though my vacation was great, I still couldnt wait to get back to Lewis & Clark so I could __________ [put posters up for this great cause I found out about over break / get over my atrocious jet-lag / get reaquainted with the PDX music and beer scene / smoke up with my homies! / nally be occupied again].
THIS WEEKS COMIC BY SAM MARGEVICIUS
P.S. All farticles found in the Backdoor are jokes. Funny jokes. Dont take them seriously because they dont take you seriously. Seriously. Oh yeah, and submit comics to ruprecht@[Link]
