TODDLE R SE PARATION ANXI ETY 2
Separation Anxiety:
WHAT IS IT AND WHY DOES IT HAPPEN?
Maybe you're dropping your toddler off at daycare,
maybe you’re leaving them at home with a nanny or
with grandma (or even with your partner!) Maybe
you are simply walking out of the room that your
toddler is in... and what happens?
Screaming Clinging to you
Crying Reaching out for you
If any of this sounds familiar, you are not alone. This is toddler separation
anxiety and it is incredibly common toddler behavior.
Before we dive into what to do, let’s talk a little about why this is happening.
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Your toddler is (developmentally speaking) fighting an internal “battle”
of sorts - on the one hand they’re just beginning to exert their need for
autonomy, craving independence and wanting to do things on their own.
This is why you will also hear a lot of “Mine!” and, “No, I do it!” and, “By myself!”
during this stage.
BTW, if it feels like your toddler woke up one day and started
saying, "NO!" to everything...
You are not alone
My Everything Toddler Course details exactly how you can
respond to and manage this important stage in your child's life
with less stress & no power struggles.
Your toddler’s internal drive for independence is a healthy and appropriate
one, and yet, at the same time they still very much rely on you and the
comfort and safety you provide them. There’s a tug-of-war happening within
them: They simultaneously crave independence AND crave your comfort and
safety. This is why, at times, they seem so independent and then within an
instant can shift to being clingy and attached to you.
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In addition, your toddler is still very
impulsive, extreme, irrational and,
of course, very emotional. These
are NOT character flaws. These are
simply the natural characteristics of
young children that are still in the
process of growing and developing.
Your toddler is reacting to the
immediate trigger of you leaving
because they’re not yet able to
contain their emotions, use executive
reasoning skills, or rely on previous
experience.
It’s important to understand that
your toddler having somewhat of a
hard time when you leave is actually
a good thing. It’s a sign of healthy,
secure attachment. They rely on your
love and support and miss you when
you’re gone, so, of course, they’re
going to express some feelings when
you leave.
I want you to really know and trust
that it’s not “bad” if your toddler
cries when you leave their side. Your
toddler’s emotions are not something
you need to fear or avoid. Still, what
you’re looking to achieve is BALANCE.
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What I mean is that while, yes, it’s
ok for your child to have a hard
time when you leave, you also
want them to be able to recover
from those feelings in a reasonable
amount of time. It’s the recovery
that is key. That’s the “balance”
you’re looking for.
And that’s exactly what we will
discuss next.
HERE’S YOUR GOAL: BALANCE
Feeling Followed by
all the recovery &
feelings coping skills!
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Leaving The House
BECAUSE YOU DO HAVE TO LEAVE SOMETIMES
You’re going to work, to the store… anywhere
that’s not home :)
You’re leaving your toddler with someone they
know and trust (nanny, grandma, uncle, friend,
your partner and so on) and still, they’re having a
hard time.
Remember, it’s ok for your child to fully express
themselves with no shame or judgement and
you don’t have to stop or fix your child’s feelings.
Here is what you do in 3 steps:
01
Keep it brief, simple and most of all, calm. No drama
or panic:
“
STATE THE FACTS: “I’m going to the store now. You are staying
here with grandpa. I will be back a little
later.”
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OR
“
“Time for me to go to work now. You will
stay at home with X and I will see you when
I come back.”
02 “
“You might miss me, you might feel a little
sad and cry when I go. It’s ok to cry. I will
miss you too. When I’m not here, grandpa
VALIDATE THE
takes care of you... he hugs you, and feeds
FEELINGS:
you and holds your hand when you go for a
walk. And then… I come back :)”
Avoid making promises, bargaining, over-explaining
or building up your return as a “prize”.
Then, calmly and confidently leave without adding
any panic or “drama” of your own.
The next step is key! And it’s the one that doesn’t get
talked about.
What is happening in your home after you leave?
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03
This is what your partner, nanny, grandpa etc. are
doing once you leave.
REASSURE, Reassure:
ENCOURAGE AND
“
EXPLORE: “Mommy / Daddy always come back. She/
he is not here right now and that’s hard
for you... You’re sad and you miss her/him.
That’s ok. I know she/he misses you too.”
Explore:
“
“Do you know where mommy/daddy is
right now?
I can tell you… she got in her car. What
color is mommy’s car? That’s right, black :)
She drove… Do you think she honked the
Totally ok to look out horn? :)
the window and wave
She’s driving and maybe on the way she’ll
goodbye as you start
see… some trees, other cars... What else?
the conversation.
And when she’s all done, where will she
go? That’s right, she’ll come back home.”
This script above is, of course, just an example, but
the idea remains the same. You’re engaging your
toddler’s senses and their ability to recall memories.
You’re using clear and direct language and even
humor. And above all, you’re being authentic.
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Encourage:
“
“While mommy is at the store, who is
taking care of you? Me! :)
If you’re thirsty I will give you water. If
you’re sad I can give you a hug. What shall
we play when you’re feeling a little better?
Let’s see, we can…”
THE BIG IDEA
I want you to notice that throughout these 3 steps you are not trying to avoid
your child’s emotions. You are not trying to distract your child or make them
"forget" their feelings or that you left.
You ARE emotionally supporting your toddler while they are struggling
so that they can strengthen their coping skills and expand their trust.
You ARE communicating in a way they can fully understand and relate to
and including them in the conversation.
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You ARE helping them process what’s happening and how they’re
feeling about it until the feelings naturally pass on their own (and every
feeling eventually passes, the “good” ones and the “bad” ones)
You ARE taking your time and not rushing.
You ARE trusting in your toddler's ability (and your own!) to cope and
build resilience.
Do you jump to “fix” your toddler’s feelings? Do you try your
hardest to avoid a huge meltdown? Are you unsure what to do
instead?
Here’s what a real parent like you had to say:
“
“Dr. Siggie! You have changed my life!
I used to walk around on eggshells so scared of setting my
toddler off for any little thing! I have gone through your course
now 2 times and I can’t tell you enough how much it’s changed
our perspective and made things so much simpler. Thank you!!”
GET YOUR EVERYTHING TODDLER COURSE
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When You Can’t Leave
The Room
What if your toddler begins to cry and cling
to you as soon as you try to leave the room?
This happens frequently with younger
toddlers. You’re at home, playing together
and you attempt to walk to the bathroom or
the kitchen and… instant tantrum.
Toddlers are incredibly sensory, taking in and learning about the world around
them by using their senses: touch, sight, smell, hearing, taste.
It’s why they love to play with their food, why they put everything in their
mouths, why they love getting messy and painting, splashing, manipulating
play dough, sand or mud, and so on.
It’s precisely these senses you’re going to use to help your toddler by
“switching” one sense with another. Keep reading and this will make perfect
sense :)
When your toddler cries the second you leave the room, to them it’s as if once
you leave, you are gone. If they can no longer see you with their eyes, you
must not be there.
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You know that's not the case and so you try to explain to your toddler using
your logic and reason: "But, I’m still here... I'm only going to the kitchen…" Your
explanations make perfect sense to you. They don't make sense to your
toddler.
So, what do you do instead:
You’re going to play a game with your toddler (not while they’re crying, but
during a calm moment) and in this game you’ll practice switching between
their 2 senses of sight and sound using the common "peek-a-boo" style game.
Here’s what I mean.
STEP Cover your face and have your toddler
01 mimic you:
“
“Can’t SEE me... But can you hear me? With your ears? YES :)
Can’t see me with your eyes, but you can hear me with your ears :)”
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Repeat this game a few times at your leisure.
You can also play “You can see the truck, here it is.”
the same game
Now put the toy behind your back. “Can’t see the
using a toy:
truck anymore, but can you hear it? What was that
sound? Yeah, that’s the truck! You can’t see it but you
can hear it with your ears.”
STEP You will now “level up” the game and
02 begin to leave the room.
“
“Mommy is going to the kitchen... You stay here. Can’t see mommy...
Can you hear mommy? Can’t SEE mommy with your eyes... I’m
talking… I’m singing and you can hear me with your ears :) You can
hear me make a silly sound...”
If at first your child cries or runs after you, stay calm and don’t panic.
If you're able to have someone stay in the room with them while you practice,
go ahead and try that. If not, that’s also ok. Take a break and try again a little
later. Your calmness and consistency throughout the process is key.
Continue to practice this “game” a few times as you feel necessary. Some
toddlers take to it on the first couple tries and some may take a few days of
practicing.
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Here’s what one parent said about this technique.
“
“My 14-month old was hysterically shrieking when I left the
room.
Your guidance was incredible. I referenced it everyday so
I could remember the practical scripts. By the 3rd or 4th
occurrence the severity of the shrieking decreased. I feel
like it stopped by the 10th or 12th time.
Now it’s a fun game to say “I hear you, do you hear me?”
Thank you SO much.”
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Separation anxiety
out and about
(PLAYGROUND, PLAYDATE, STRUCTURED ACTIVITIES
OR CLASSES, PARTIES ETC.)
You’re out and about with your toddler,
at the park, at a toddler music class...
and you find that they are clinging to you
and not willing to socialize or explore
the surroundings. This can be especially
common when you’re taking your
toddler to new places, possibly crowded
with new people.
Let’s look at this from your toddler’s point of view. If you’re in a new place with
some new faces, it’s really not surprising that your child may need to take
some time to process all this new stimulation before feeling more comfortable
to explore and socialize.
And if you’re not in a new place and your toddler is still staying close to you?
Not a problem. How each individual naturally socializes is innate and part of
their core personality. Your goal is not to change your child’s nature, your goal
is to guide them to make the most of who they naturally are.
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So it’s not about your toddler being “too shy” and it’s definitely not about
them being antisocial or “rude”. It’s about their personal, innate level
of comfort that overtime can expand with trust, experience, and your
supportive guidance.
And that’s why, you actually don’t have to do much (good news!)
01
“
“Looks like you’re feeling a little shy right now.”
Narrate: Or
“I can see you want to be close to mommy/
daddy right now.”
Or
“Looks like you’re not ready yet to go and
play.”
02
“
“That’s ok. You can stay right here with me”.
Validate:
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03
“
“Sometimes we need to take our time. Let’s
Encourage: take our time and be here together until you
are ready to do something else”.
Or
“Take your time and when you’re ready, you
can let me know what you want to do.”
Notice that in step 1, narrate, you’re using the words, “right now.”
Using “right now” helps YOU reframe your own possible fear and anxiety. It
reminds you how your child is not always shy or always clinging to you. They
are shy “right now”, at this moment. What they are experiencing is in the
present time. It does not mean it’s permanent or irreparable.
Even if it may feel as if your toddler is always a certain way, I know that there
are moments when your toddler is not shy and not clingy… at home, with
family, siblings and so on :)
In addition, you want to avoid labeling your child. Help them by bringing
attention to the fact that what they’re feeling is a passing emotion and not a
permanent character trait.
X Being this way, always Feeling this way, sometimes (check)
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HERE’S ONE Engage with your toddler while they’re taking their time to
MORE TIP: warm up.
04
“
“Let’s use our eyes to see that boy over there on
Guide: the slide… wow he went fast :)
Let’s use our ears to hear he’s laughing while
sliding down…”
You’re not pressuring your child to engage, you’re simply
helping your toddler take in and process (again, using
their senses) the surroundings at their own pace with no
judgement or shame.
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Parent Preference
We talked all about toddler separation
anxiety and exactly what you can do to
support your toddler during this stage.
I wanted to also give you a BONUS section
TODDLER PARENT PREFERENCE:
Toddler parent preference can sound like: “Nooo! Mommy do it!” or “I want
daddy to get my milk!”
Know that when you’re faced with your toddler seemingly “preferring” one
parent and “rejecting” another, this is totally normal and typical toddler
behavior. And when handled well, it’s a short phase. Your biggest tool is your
calmness.
Don’t take it personally. Truly, don’t take it personally. Please know that
your child is not “rejecting” you. Your child IS learning to make choices and
decisions, to assert their opinion, and even to explore control, all part of their
emerging healthy independence.
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If you feel especially triggered by your toddler “picking and choosing” one
parent over another, it may be a sign for you to explore these feelings on
a deeper level, as they may be a reminder of other “rejections” you have
experienced.
What to do:
01
“
“You want mommy to give you a bath, I hear
Narrate: you.” or “You want daddy to pick you up.”
02
“
“You love daddy / mommy, I know. She/he
Validate loves you too.”
any
emotions:
03 You’re calm and not giving in.
Maintain
“
your “Right now, mommy is picking you up.” or
boundary: “Today, daddy is doing the bath. Let’s go
turn the water on.”
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If you are the “chosen” parent, be sure
to validate and acknowledge the other
parent, the “rejected” one, and remind
them your child’s behavior is not a sign
of their love, but of their new sense of
assertion and control.
If you find your toddler is being physical:
pushing you away, hitting you, be sure to
Encourage appropriate communication:
“You want (or don’t want) mommy right
now and you’re upset, it’s ok to be upset.
No pushing me when you’re upset. You
can say: I want (or don’t want) mommy.
And I will say, I know, I understand.”
(BTW, your toddler hitting, biting,
pushing, pinching you, other kids or even
themselves is considered typical toddler
behavior. While typical, it’s still very
important that you respond appropriately
so the behaviors don’t unnecessarily
escalate. “Don’t do that!” or “You’re hurting
me!” is not enough. For exactly what
you can say and do (including scripts,
intonation, body language)
Check out my Everything Toddler Course
TODDLE R SE PARATION ANXI ETY 22
It is important to not give in.
So, if you and your partner have already decided who will do what with your
child, try to stand firmly behind that by that decision, even if your child is very
upset by it.
Your toddler’s reaction is impulsive, but given the opportunity they may come
to feel they truly do have the power over you and over circumstances that are
actually not up to them. That false sense of power isn’t healthy for your child.
Of course you can be flexible if needed, but if you feel your child is more
adamant and consistent about this ability to pick and choose, and by that I
mean - to control, that’s your cue to not give in to their demands, but provide
support and comfort to how they feel about not getting their demands met.
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SCHOOL DROP OFF
One more BONUS!! Why not :)
School is a wonderful thing. But school (or daycare) drop off can be a huge
source of anxiety for both you and your toddler. It’s a big transition that can
evoke feelings of fear, uncertainty and insecurity.
The first thing you need to know is that all of these feelings are perfectly
natural for your toddler to feel and that is exactly why you don't have to try
and avoid them or dismiss them. Your toddler crying, even screaming and
clinging to you on the first few days of school drop-off is not an indication that
there is something wrong with your child or that you are doing something
wrong by sending them to school (or daycare), it’s an indication that your
toddler is openly expressing themselves the only way they know how… and
that’s perfectly ok.
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DON’T FEAR THE BIG FEELINGS:
Instead of avoiding or tip-toeing around the
feelings your child will likely have at drop off,
address them head on by preparing your
child for the upcoming transition of starting
school. You’re not trying to “sell” your toddler
on all the fun they’ll be having. You are
addressing your child’s fundamental need to
feel safe and secure.
INSTEAD OF: “You’ll have so much fun! You’ll play! You’ll make
so many friends.”
TRY:
“
“Who takes care of you at home? I do :) That’s right.
If you need a hug, I’m here to give you one… If you’re hungry, I give you
food... We play together, remember how we played with your blue
truck? Yeah...
And when you are at school, who takes care of you there?
Your teacher does.”
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“
“What does that mean? Your teacher will… give you water when
you’re thirsty… hold your hand and give you a hug if you’re feeling
sad… play with you…read a book to you. I take care of you at home
and your teacher takes care of you at school.”
Have this conversation in the few days leading up
to school starting. You can also show your child a
picture of their teacher if you have one and refer
to them by name.
This is an important distinction:
Your child’s main concern or
hesitation is about security and who
will care for them in your absence.
It’s NOT about who they will play with
and all the fun they will have. It’s only
when they feel safe that they can
begin to think about the other things
like who they will play with etc.
First comes the basic needs of safety
and security, then comes joy and
happiness.
TODDLE R SE PARATION ANXI ETY 26
ADDRESS THE CRYING:
“
“You might cry and miss me when we say goodbye. It’s ok to cry.
It’s ok to miss me. Do you know why we cry sometimes when
we say goodbye? Because we love each other. Yea… That’s a
good thing. Do I miss you too? Of course!
So if you need to cry and feel sad, it’s ok, and your teacher
will hug you and say, it’s ok to be sad when you miss mommy/
daddy…”
And don’t forget to encourage coping skills:
“
“When you’re done crying... what do you think you’ll do then?
Maybe play with the…”
You’re showing your toddler they are actually the ones in charge of their
emotions, not you.
On the first few days of drop off you will reiterate exactly what you have been
discussing, keeping it calm, short and simple with no panic or drama. Work to
manage your own emotions and possible feelings of anxiety or guilt and trust
that both you and your child will be ok.
“
“Here we are :) Remember, at school your teacher takes care of
you and I will be back to pick you up later.”
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Final thoughts:
DOS AND DON’TS
I want you to notice that in all these scenarios
discussed YOU are in control of YOUR emotions.
It’s not always easy, I certainly know that. Still, it’s
absolutely possible and worth it, with tons of practice
and trial-and-error. Don’t forget to show yourself the
same patience and empathy you show your child.
Notice you’re not dismissing or minimizing your child’s feelings:
“Why are you crying? Don’t cry... You’ll have so much fun. You know
grandma... Stop it…”
Notice there’s no pleading: “I’ll be right back! It’s ok! You’re going to be
ok! I’ll be right back, I promise!!”
Notice you’re not using guilt or shame: “You want me to go to work,
don’t you, so I can buy you all these great toys… Don’t you want to be
at school playing with your friends? Look at all the other kids here, no
one is crying... why are you?”
Notice you’re not making your child responsible for your feelings:
“Don’t be sad… now you’re making me sad… you have to stay strong for
mommy… this is so hard for me, why are you making it so hard?”
Notice you’re not asking too many questions: “Why don’t you want me
to give you a bath? I always give you a bath? Don’t you want me to? We
have so much fun…”
Now What?
You now know exactly what to do about your toddler's
separation anxiety, parent preference and school drop off
anxiety (yes!)
But what about all the other fun toddler “things” like...
tantrums, hitting, screaming, potty training, throwing food,
not “listening”, power struggles, sleep, running away from
you, pacifiers, sharing, social skills... and so much more.
Want precise, practical and easy-to-follow guidance for
those too?
Check out my EVERYTHING Toddler Course: The one online
course you need for all things toddler (ages 1 to 3.5)
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“
In just a few weeks,
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the bottom of our previously parenting style and my
stressed and strung out hearts. daughter’s behavior.
“
The toddler course is EVERYTHING I need that I didn’t
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Full of real-life examples, scripts and practical tools you can use immediately.
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In this course you will find exactly what to say and do
for your toddler’s:
Tantrums, at home or in public
Hitting, bitting, pushing, throwing
things.. at you, other kids or themselves
Potty training step-by-step guide +
customizable book
Social skills, independence and sharing
Power struggle and saying “NO!” all the
time
Sleep struggles, including night time
wake-ups and needing your help to fall
asleep
Picky eating and throw food
Pacifier and thumb sucking
*BONUS* section on screaming 32 videos + 12 PDFs
