Transgendered Feminist Body Issues
Author(s): Sam Bullington
Source: Off Our Backs , november-december 2004, Vol. 34, No. 11/12 (november-
december 2004), pp. 34-36
Published by: off our backs, inc.
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feature
Feminist Body Issu
by Sam Bullinqton
^or me, transgenderism encom outside with
passes two aspects. First is the the rest of
social, how people perceive my the boys in
gender, whether I "pass" or not (or the neigh
even want to), and the risks, privi borhood and
leges, and penalties associated with
my ambiguous gender presentation.
my parents
signed me
U
The second is the very personal up for an all
relationship to my own body. For boy's little
me, the first is often fluid and league team.
relaxed. For most of my life, people I had big
have drawn all sorts of conclusions plans to
about my gender and they all have eventually
felt true. You see, I understand become a
myself to be simultaneously and professional
serially both man and woman, as well baseball
as neither. However, the second?my player and
relationship to my body?is fre felt a sense
quently troubling, sometimes rigid, of exuber
sometimes completely underground ance and
because I don't want to deal with it freedom in
or can't answer the questions I pose my body.
to myself. Body issues have always How
been at the heart of my ever), that all
transgendered experience. changed
Growing up in the 1970s in a with adoles
middle class suburb in Northern cence.
California, I led a carefree existence. Troubling
Despite the obstacle of asthma, I was changes in
an active kid. I thrived in sports? my body
football, baseball, kickball, dodgeball, were made
you name it?and was regularly even more
appointed captain and quarterback, respected and well liked?my
difficult with the unfortunately timed
due to my size, confidence, and relocation of my family from Northdifference merely making me more
leadership capabilities. Despite my ern to Southern California. Although
interesting?in my new neighbor
female body, I ran around topless in Northern California I had felt hood, my difference was a big
_off our backs_
page 34 november-december 2004
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problem. I was excluded from the heavy and awkward, always getting difficult road for me, becoming a
community of boys and made to in the way. When I had my period, 1 feminist, when I'd never felt like a
socialize with the girls?which they felt like I couldn't even move and, in woman. But feminism taught me that
didn't like any more than I did. I my self-consciousness, wished I I had a lot in common with women
found myself a social pariah; sud didn't have to live in a body at all. and that many of the issues I faced
denly I fit in nowhere. Whatever My MTF transgendered friend, were not personal failures, but
attention I did receive was negative? A.J., always tells me that repressed societal gender oppression. I learned
neighborhood kids taunting me from transgenderism leads to addictions. the 1980s feminist principle to love
my front yard, tough girls at school For A.J., it was sexual addiction. For my body as it is and to cease striving
following me home and beating me up. me, it was an eating disorder that I to change it. I heard repeatedly that
Though 1 lost positive relation am still struggling with daily 26 years to change one's body would be
ships with my peers, I thought I later. In my adolescence, food unhealthy, a sign of self-hatred.
could take comfort in my relationship became a way to distance myself Though this feminist principle
with myself. However, the bodily from what was happening in my helped me to survive and eventually
I am happy living between genders, expanding the
options of what's possible and being visible for others
who are also looking for more options.
changes of puberty made me virtually body. It was a way to go uncon thrive in my female body over the
unrecognizable to myself. My body scious, to foster my denial about that last twenty years, it makes my
felt like an alien that I longed to which I felt powerless to change. It dilemma as a 38-year-old
distance myself from. Horrific things became a refuge and comfort in a transgendered lesbian all the more
were happening in my body. Breasts hostile and lonely world. Eating confusing. The 11 -year-old boy in
were developing that I tried hiding became a survival skill. me wants to recapture the bodily
under baggy sweatshirts, even in the Soon enough, my weight became freedom that he knew, movement
middle of summer, and my period another way that I felt heavy and free from cumbersome breasts and
made me feel utterly embarrassed awkward, another reason to feel self finally liberation from the humiliation
and humiliated. I hated the way it conscious, and another way I felt of having a period. At the time, when
smelled. I hated the mess it made. confined and immobile. I tried to puberty arrived, I kept telling myself
The pads that my mom bought me master my body?through dieting, "there has to be an operation that can
reeked of perfume, which made me through spiritual fasting, through fix this." Now that I could have
feel nauseous, and they were con compulsive exercise?but eventually access to such medical interventions,
stantly leaking. I had to be ever I would return to my old habits and the feminist in me hesitates, believing
vigilant when sitting, lying down, or feel like a failure. I hadn't found that there has to be a better way. And
moving to ensure that I was not another way to make myself feel safe so, in me, the social/political and the
bleeding all over myself. Any sense in the world without the insulation bodily/personal find themselves in
of freedom I'd once felt in my body that the extra weight provided. constant conflict.
was totally gone and I instead felt However, in college, I found For instance, 1 recently began
stilted and confined. I couldn't run feminism, which taught me new wearing a bra again, for the first time
like I used to because my breasts felt ways of seeing the world. It was a since 1985! Flattening my breasts
_off our backs_
november-december 2004 page 35
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helps my clothes to fit like I think experienced during my adult life. physically, I was socialized as a
they should and it aids me in passing. One might imagine that I would female, complete with an eating
As I have begun, in the last year, to be thrilled and begin taking up the life disorder, difficulty getting angry and
live more consistently as a man?for I'd always dreamed of in the body setting limits, with tendencies toward
instance, regularly using the men's I'd always dreamed of. Instead, people-pleasing and conflict avoid
restroom?I feel more comfortable if panic set in, which led to rounds of ance. I'm a good listener, I speak
my breasts are less obvious. How compulsive eating and self-sabotage easily about my feelings, and my
ever, it has been a very strange until my body returned to its familiar core values are gentleness, sensitiv
change, not only for me, but for size and shape. It was as though I ity, and compassion. I don't "act like
friends who aren't used to feeling a was trying to push away even the a man," nor do I want to. As a
lump of fabric there when they hug image of that body in my mind and feminist, I am critical of what this
me. Although wearing a bra does the hopes contained in it. It actually culture promotes as appropriate
help me to pass more regularly, I felt painful to at last begin to have masculinity.
think I honestly feel more boyish what I'd always wanted. Likewise, my emotional suste
going topless?say at the Michigan Am I just attached to the nance comes from distinctly lesbian
Womyn's Music Festival?with my struggle, to the familiarity of being ill relationships. Although I live at least
breasts flapping than hiding them in a at ease in my body? Or is there part time as a man in the world, my
binder, as physical confinement was/is something deeper going on? Even as partner relationship is not gendered,
so much at the heart for me of what it I sit here writing this, I am snacking nor would I want it to be, and I
meant to become a woman/female. on something crunchy as it relaxes treasure the equality and mutuality I
Bodily regulation and physical me and helps me focus. Although my am able to find there. I fear the
self-consciousness are hallmarks of 11-year-old boy inside would love to implications of any bodily changes I
both transgendered and female undergo gendered bodily modification might feel compelled to make, not
experience in this culture. We are and take up where he left off, the 38 only for my own physical health, but
taught to develop heightened aware year-old lesbian feminist in me fears for my lesbian partnership, as well as
ness and invest our bodies with great becoming a man and is terrified of my connections to the broader
meaning. Even small bodily changes becoming unrecognizable to the lesbian community. As long as we
feel weighted with implications. lesbian feminist communities that I live in a world where "man" and
When 1 put on a few extra pounds, it cherish and that have fostered my "woman" are not equal choices (and
invariably shows in fuller breasts, survival. As I pass as a man on a there are no other options)?a world
hips, and thighs, thus undermining regular basis currently without any characterized by the hatred and
my gender presentation and basically bodily modification, were I to pursue ridicule of women and anything
my sense of self. This can feel very surgery or hormones there's a very perceived female/feminine?then
immobilizing and distressing. real possibility that I would just gendered choices are not merely
Yet apparently 1 am also troubled disappear into maleness. While this matters of individual self-expression,
by the opposite. This summer I lost might ease the distress 1 frequently but have ramifications that demand,
quite a bit of weight due to a special feel in my relationship with my body, for me, that they be weighed care
diet 1 was following because of gall it would introduce new problems in fully and seriously.
bladder problems. 1 hadn't really the social/political realm. I am happy living between
noticed that my body had redistrib For my entire adult life, my genders, expanding the options of
uted itself until one afternoon, while political and emotional commitment what's possible and being visible for
sitting reading in my hot apartment, has been to women. Just as I felt others who are also looking for more
shirtless and wearing only men's disoriented at adolescence being options. It is a delicate balance I am
boxer briefs, 1 looked down at my forced into the world of girls, with undertaking?to negotiate the best
body and thought, "oh, that's what whom I had little in common, I now compromise I am able between the
I'm supposed to look like." I felt a feel like an alien in the world of men, contradictory forces and priorities
sense of relief and familiarity with with whom I have little in common. within me until new options are made
myself that I had never before Although I may look like a man manifest.^
off our backs.
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