CONTENTS

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#1 HIT THE PAUSE BUTTON�������������������������������������������������������������������� 3

#2 THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU’RE SAYING WITHOUT WORDS���������������������4
#3 HELP YOUR CHILD RECOGNISE AND EXPRESS THEIR FEELINGS���������� 6
#4 EMPATHISE WITH YOUR CHILD����������������������������������������������������������� 7
#5 CREATE AN ACTION PLAN����������������������������������������������������������������� 9
#6 ENCOURAGE SELF-REFLECTION��������������������������������������������������������12
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#1 HIT THE PAUSE BUTTON
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If you’re feeling overwhelmed and can’t deal with the situation right
away, it’s okay to take a break.

You can model self-regulation by telling your child that you’re struggling
with your own emotions and need some space so that you can be there
for them later.

By prioritising your emotional well-being, you’re setting a positive

example for your child and helping them learn how to take care of their
own feelings too.

Remember, being a role model for emotional self-care is a long-term

strategy, but it’s a crucial one for everyone’s well-being.

What do you need to hear to give yourself permission to pause?

Write it down.
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#2 THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU’RE SAYING
WITHOUT WORDS
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The way you speak, look, and carry yourself sends a message to your
child.

When your child is upset and their brain is producing stress hormones,
they’re already in “fight or flight” mode, and it can be challenging for
them to process what you’re saying.

To help your child calm down, it’s important to connect with them on an
emotional level, rather than trying to reason with them logically.

Non-verbal cues can be incredibly helpful in supporting this, as they

send your child subconscious messages that you’re there for them and
understanding how they feel.

We often communicate without even realizing it through our tone of

voice, facial expressions, and body language.

Think about a time when you felt upset with your child. How did you
speak to them? What did your face look like? Did you furrow your brow
or roll your eyes? What was your body language like? Did you cross your
arms or put your hands on your hips?

These subtle cues can have a big impact on how your child receives your
message.

What do you think you are saying to your child with

your body language?
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Your tone of voice is just as important as the words you say when
validating your child’s feelings and helping them through difficult
emotions. It’s crucial for your tone to match your message so that your
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child’s right brain, the emotional part of their brain, can truly hear you.

You can consciously use a calm tone of voice and simple sentences
to validate your child’s experiences and quickly help them return to a
centred state.

Just acknowledging how your child is feeling can make a big difference.

You could say things like:

• “I can see you’re really mad right now.”

• “It sounds like you’re feeling really angry about this.”
• “I can see that this is hard for you.”

What other sentences can you come up with to validate your child’s
feelings and help them feel heard and understood?
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#3 HELP YOUR CHILD RECOGNISE AND
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EXPRESS THEIR FEELINGS

Helping your child put their emotions and triggers into words is an
important part of their emotional development.

Children need to be taught how to identify their feelings, and as parents,

it’s up to us to tune in and support them in figuring out what they’re
feeling and why.
Anger is often a secondary emotion, which means we need to work a little
harder to dig down to the primary emotion. To help our children identify
their emotions and triggers, we can use leading questions that encourage
them to open up and share their thoughts and feelings. It’s important to
develop our intuition so we can guide them in the right direction with our
questioning.

This is especially important if your child struggles to articulate their

feelings or often responds with “I don’t know.”

These conversations should take place in a safe and open environment

where your child feels comfortable sharing. Consider the time of day and
location in your home that might work best for these chats.

Are there certain situations or circumstances that tend to trigger

your child’s anger?
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Can you identify the underlying emotions that your child may be
experiencing when they get angry?
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#4 EMPATHISE WITH YOUR CHILD

Empathy is a powerful tool for managing your child’s anger. It’s important
to remember that empathy doesn’t mean accepting your child’s behaviour
but rather understanding and validating their emotions. When you
show empathy towards your child, it enhances your connection with
them, soothes their nervous system, and helps to decrease their “fight”
response.

Additionally, empathy creates more space for positive self-talk, which can
improve your child’s resilience and overall well-being.

By empathising with your child’s angry feelings, they know that it’s okay
to have those emotions and are less likely to feel shame or fear, even
though anger can be uncomfortable.

However, there may be times when your own “fight or flight” response
makes it difficult to empathize with your child, especially in the moment
or when you’re not in the safety of your home.

Embarrassment or fear of losing control can also interfere with your

ability to empathise.
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One technique to help you empathise with your child is to share stories
from your own childhood about times when you felt the same way they
do.
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This can create bonding opportunities and open the door for discussing
more effective responses to anger.

Remember, separating the reaction from the emotion supports your

child’s emotional intelligence and helps them learn to manage their
emotions in a healthy way.

What situations make it difficult for you to empathise with your

child’s anger?
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How can you practice showing empathy towards
your child’s emotions?
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#5 CREATE AN ACTION PLAN

Create an action plan with your child once you have helped them identify
their triggers.

Include their signals - the things that indicate they are becoming
emotionally dysregulated.

This will help teach them self-awareness so they can take action to
regulate their emotions.

Plan calming strategies that work for your child.

When creating an action plan, let your child know that this is an ideal
response, but it is okay if it doesn’t happen. A growth mindset is an
important trait for learning emotional regulation so your child can
forgive themselves and avoid feeling shame for not achieving the ‘right’
response.
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Learning anger management and emotional regulation is a crucial life
skill for everyone, but it may not come easily to us, depending on our life
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experiences.

As a parent, you can empower your child by helping them understand

that self-regulation is a learned skill and by laying a solid foundation for
their future well-being through your support.

Remember that this may include modelling self-forgiveness for yourself

too. It’s okay to be on your own journey with anger and still be a great
emotional coach for your child.

The Thoughts to Behaviour Diagram (see below) is a helpful tool for

supporting your child’s thought process that leads to anger. You can use
this diagram to teach them about their thoughts and emotions, helping
them develop awareness and the ability to regulate.

This diagram has roots in CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) and NLP
(Neuro-Linguistic Programming), both of which support understanding
the impact of thoughts on emotion and behaviour.

As you can see from the diagram, our thoughts can trigger our feelings,
which in turn can lead to our actions.
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Although it may seem like we experience the emotion first, it’s often our
thoughts that start the cycle.
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It’s important to note that feelings pass quickly if we allow ourselves to

feel them - typically lasting only about 90 seconds!

However, when our thoughts aren’t checked and challenged, we can

quickly repeat this cycle, leading to unhelpful behaviours.

Difficult situations often trigger automatic negative thoughts that seem

out of our control because they’re deeply rooted in our beliefs about
ourselves and the world.

These thoughts can be biased and not translate into truths.

We can stop this process by questioning and challenging these automatic

thoughts before they lead us down unhelpful or self-sabotaging paths.

Can you think of an experience of your own and work through it using
the diagram above? The key part of this exercise is identifying the
thought that triggered the feeling and action. This exercise will help
you to guide your child through the same process.
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The diagram above illustrates various intervention points that can aid
children in regulating their emotions. To cultivate efficient regulation, it
is crucial to educate your child on a diverse range of strategies to use
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throughout the process. These tactics encompass:

• positive self-talk or reframing (applicable at Intervention points 1,

2, and 4 to halt the cycle),
• relaxation techniques, such as breathing
• personalized methods like sensory support using calming aromas
or sounds (applicable at Intervention points 2, 3, and 4)
• expending physical energy generated by emotional responses
(applicable at Intervention Point 4).

You can incorporate one or more of the approaches in your action plan.

#6 ENCOURAGE SELF-REFLECTION
Encourage your child to reflect on and reframe their experience of anger,
which can leave them feeling depleted and bewildered.

Assist them in viewing the situation from a different perspective by

identifying the lessons they can learn from it.

For instance, it could be an opportunity for your child to practice self-

acceptance.

If your child becomes overwhelmed and angry in noisy or chaotic

environments, they can use this knowledge to inform their choices about
similar situations in the future.

They may opt to avoid such scenarios altogether or prepare themselves

in advance to regulate their emotions more effectively.

It’s important to undertake this process when your child is calm, after the
emotional outburst.
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By helping our children reframe their anger into a learning experience,
we can positively impact their emotional intelligence and foster long-term
emotional well-being.
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Can you think of any lessons you want your child to take away from
their experiences with anger?