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Livia Avakian

Mrs. Laura Caro

English IV

2711 March 2024

Attachment Styles and How They Affect Your Relationships

Are you tired of not having relationships work out? Or maybe, do you struggle relating to

others and working out conflict? This may be because of a lack of understanding of attachment

styles, how they work, and what problems come from having an insecure attachment style .

Because of childhood experiences, one might develop and insecure attachment style and this

causes many misunderstandings between both people involved (Feuerman).

Before one can understand how relationships can be toxic, there must be an

understanding of the that there are four basic types of attachment that all people fall under. The

first is an called an anxious attachment. These people desire intimacy in their relationships , but

also have the tendency to be afraid that the other person does notsn’t share that same desire. This

fear leads them to have a severe fear of abandonment (Levine and Heller 44). There is a constant

need for validation and security. A Often a person with this attachment style can come off as too

“needy or clingy,” and have trouble being content when alone. It is’s hard for them to not rely on

others for their emotional needs and problems (Manson). Many worry if the other person feels

the same way or cares about the relationship. Anxious people deeply really desire to be intimate

in their relationships and worry if their friend or partner loves them back (“Anxious Attachment

in Relationships”).

Anxious people seek closeness and intimacy with those they have a relationship with.

When they feel that the closeness is being threatened, their mind goesy go through a series of
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“activating strategies,” or a series of thoughts that compels them to work to gain their intimacy

back. Once the partnerhe or she responds to give validation, everything will feel normal again.

For example, some of these activating strategies might be, “believing that this is your only

chance for love, as in: ‘I’m only compatible with very few people – what are the chances I’ll find

another person like him or her?” or “believing that even though you are unhappy, you’d better

not let go as in: ‘If she leaves me, she’ll turn into a great partner – for someone else.’” (Levine

and Heller 81). Both of these are unhealthy because either way, a person is tempted to feel stuck

in the relationship, whether it be that it is believed that there is a risk of not finding someone just

as good or being scared that your partner will be what you want him or her to be to someone that

is not n’t you.

Even though the idea of needing validation sounds normal, it can become very unhealthy

and cause many problems for bothh people in the relationship. People who have an anxious

attachment style These people do noton’t like to be alone (“Attachment Styles & Their Roles in

Relationships) and will heavily rely on others for their emotional needs (Manson). They are

always fearful of being left and, as was stated earlier, they can be very needy for attention and

validation from their partner. Because of this, they do all they can to hold onto the relationship.

Many timestimes, they can feel as if they are not good enough, or worth the relationship if they

feel that they will are going to lose it (“Anxious Attachment in Relationships”).

The secondnext attachment style is the avoidant attachment style. This style could be

thought of as the opposite of an anxious attachment. These kinds of people tend to be very

independent- minded and do notn’t need to be in a relationship with someone else to feel

completed. They never want to feel controlled or “boxed in” and will complain of being

“suffocated” or “crowded” (Manson). Often emotional intimacy is not something they desire
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(“Attachment Styles & Their Role in Relationships”), and they will feel overwhelmed by

closeness (Kaur). Because they avoid intimacy, they will often pull away when they feel that

they are getting close to someone or that the other person is relying on them too much

(“Attachment Styles & Their Roles in Relationships”). In most cases, it is’s hard for them to

expresso be expressive with their emotions or show warmth (Manson). It can seem as if they do

not n’t care or love their partner, but these people just do notn’t show their emotions because

they were often taught as a child that showing emotion is a bad thing. However, it is possible for

some to naturally have the tendency to be more closed off emotionally. (“Avoidant Attachment

Triggers and Tips for Healthy Self Regulation”).

Many people who are avoidant s are not ready to make commitments and will withhold

information from the other person in an effort to make sure to they maintain the feeling of having

some independence. These people also desire to maintain physical distance, as well as i,

including minimal contact and interaction. Many times, they will show that they have care about

their partner but will not say it verbally. By not expressing how they feelDoing this makes

things hard for the other person, especially when he or she is desiring to communicate and show

deep affection and receive that affection from his or her friend or partner (Levine and Heller

117).

Being reluctant to show deeper emotions This can cause many problems because even

though they, unlike anxious attachment, are not “needy” when it comes to relationships, these

people tend to go too far the other way. Avoidants are known for being much more closed off

emotionally thant those who are of both anxious and secure attachment styles. When they or their

partner is going through a hard time, they are less likely to be willing to give or receive support.
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They will tend to hide how they are feeling, even from from even those they are close to, and do

notn’t like to talk about personal thoughts and emotions (Jones).

To another person, someone with an avoidant attachmentthey style might come off as

being cold or distant, and unwilling to trust. It may feel as if that person does not n’t care, but

they do care; , they just prefer to not show deep emotions (“Avoidant Attachment in

Relationships”).

Now, people who are of an anxious-avoidant attachment style are just like they sound.

They experience the fears and tendencies of both an anxious and avoidant attachment, and it is

said that these people experience “the worst of both worlds” (Manson). Often, they seem to be

both anxious and avoidant depending on the actions of their mood. This can seem confusing to

the people that they are desireing to have a relationship with. These anxious- avoidant people,

like the anxious, want intimacy and closeness;, but like avoidants, have a very hard time trusting

the people that they do decide to have a relationship with. Sometimes it is hard for them to

identify how they how they are feeling and often avoid having a strong attachment with people

because of their even stronger fear of rejection and getting hurt (“Attachment Styles &Their roles

in Relationships”). This can cause them to push people away even though they want that

relationship (Kaur).

Anxious-avoidant people have different struggles than those of other attachment styles.

They tend to struggle more with anxiety and depression and low confidence and self-esteem.

(Feuerman). Like avoidants, they will hide their emotions and prefer to not show others how they

really feel (Manson). When they cannotn’t understand someone else’s behavior, they will often

act in accordance to their confusion, and this affects the other person in the relationship

(Feuerman). They have a hard time connecting with others and feel that in any relationship,
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rejection is inevitable for them. They do noton’t feel like they are good enough but do desire

intimacy (Jones).

The last and most desirable attachment for anyone to have a secure attachment style and

be and be in a relationship with is someone who is of a secure. attachment. These people are

very comfortable showing their emotions to others (“Attachment Styles & Their Role in

Relationships”) and able to show others affection to others (Manson). These people base all of

their relationships on being emotionally open, relying on their partner, and letting their partners

rely on them. They do notn’t need to be constantly with someone and don’t need someone else’s

validation of them to feel that they are “good enough” (“Attachment Styles & Their Roles in

Relationships”).

Secure attachments are able tocan effectively communicate to others, both their needs

and emotions, whereas, other attachment styles struggle with that. These people are very loving

and trusting (Kaur), but also are good at setting appropriate boundaries and sticking with them

(Manson), and do not have a fear of being left by the other person in the relationship (Kaur). It is

’s easy for these people to connect on a deep level emotionally and showing who they trulyreally

are (Manson).

Now that there is a clear understanding of each of the what these four main attachment

styles are, what are the different problems when the unhealthy kinds mix? First, there are

different situations that trigger each person to feel insecure no matter what style he or she is

believed to be. For someone who is of an anxious attachment, having their friend or partner act

inconsistentlyin an inconsistent way, not responding when expected, forgetting important events,

or even coming home late are some things that will trigger these people to feel that the

relationship is unstable (“Self Regulation Strategies For Anxious Attachment Triggers”).

One the other hand, an avoidant person has totally different triggers and are completely

opposite. These kinds of people feel triggered byfrom their partner wanting to be intimate or

open emotionally, being in unpredictable situations that feel out of their control, being forced to

be dependent on someone else, feelings of being judged for showing emotion, or having a

partner demand too much of their time and attention (“Avoidant Attachment Triggers and Tips

for Self Regulation”).

When a person who has of an anxious attachment seeks a relationship with a person who

has an of an avoidant attachment style, there can be many a lot of problems just because these

two styles, in particular, are so opposite. One desires closeness and intimacy and the other

prefers to be alone and is more uncomfortable with deep relationships (“Attachment Styles in

Relationships”). One is triggered when he or she feels like the relationship is being threatened in

some way, (“Self Regulation Strategies For Anxious Attachment Triggers”) and the other is

triggered when the relationship is getting to close and intimate (“Avoidant Attachment Triggers

and Tips for Healthy Self-Regulation”). One needs more constant validation, and the other feels

smothered by their partner needing reassurance. It can be a constant struggle because what one

needs the other is triggered by, and what the one does not n’t want, the other needs to feel secure

in the relationship (Kaur).

Besides having different triggers, the way each attachment style communicates is

different. When conflict arises, it can be easy for an anxious attachment to feel like the

relationship is being threatened in some way. Some will resort to what is known as “protest

behavior.” They will do something that will either make the other person jealous or want to

leave. Even though it sounds a bit little backward, it is an attempt to obtain validation and

reestablish the relationship (Kaur).

In contrast, those who have an avoidant attachment, will hide and suppress their emotions

(“Attachment Styles & Their Roles in Relationships”). They do not n’t like to depend on others,

even when they really need to (Manson). They often will not seek for help or support and are less

inclined to give comfort when their partner is upset. Sharing personal feelings is not something

they like to do, especially negative feelings (Jones).

Both the anxious and avoidant have different ways of communicating which can make

things difficult. Because it is hard for these people to open up and share emotions especially

negative ones, they prefer to not share at all (“Attachment Styles and Their Role in

Relationships”). This can make a situation complicated when there is a lack of communication.

Having clear communication between both people makes things easier to work through

problems. There is no way to resolveult conflict if there is no communication. Most of the time

misunderstandings occur come when there is a lack of openness on either or both sides

(“Avoidant Attachment Triggers and Tips for Healthy Self Regulation”).

Hopefully, by now, there is a clear understanding of what each attachment style is and

their main disadvantages. Everyone is different and will have a different attachment style. So,

what should a person do if he or she finds themselves in a toxic relationship or enters get into an

undesirable habit of being toxic? Well, the good news is that no one has to have an insecure

attachment style for the rest of your life. There are a couple practical tips that someone can

incorporate into your life to help get over your insecure attachment styles (Robinson, et al).

It might first help to have an understanding of childhood and how certain events in your

life in the past has affected how e people think, act, and relate and connect to others. Whether or

not one might realize or remember, what has happened in life can cause certain triggers to

develop in a person and make him or her affect to develop certain triggers that make a person
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more prone to one attachment style than another. This does not mean that the childhood has to

define a person or that because of what happened in childhood, one is stuck with all the negative

effects. There are things that can be done to help you to become more secure in your

relationships.

One way to develop a secure attachmentne idea is to learn how to deal with conflict

effectively. Learning to clear conflict in a healthy way is necessary when disagreements arise.

This makes things a lot easier when there are times when there will be things that two people in a

relationship come to a disagreement. There are five main principles that one can use to deal with

the conflict that may come up: (1) show concern for the other person and that you have their best

interest in mind, (2) stay focused on the problem, (3) Do not n’t generalize, (4) Engage in the

conversation and (5) Communicate to the other person when voicing needs and feelings (Levine

and Heller 245).

When working out conflict, it’s essential important to let the other person understand you

care, even if you think you are right. Do not n’t ever ignore what he or she needs, especially the

mental and physical health. Whether we realize it or not, our happiness is affected by the other

person’s happiness, so putting the needs of the other first will make us happy, too (Levine and

Heller 246).

Another way that can help develop healthy relationships is for one to understand his or

her own attachment style and the attachment style of those around you. When this is done, one

can be more aware of his or herr own triggers to feelling insecure, as well as acknowledging

what can trigger those that are in the relationship with you. If a person can come to the

understandingunderstand of himself and what he is more prone to, that can help in learning how

to cope and develop a more secure attachment style (“Anxious Attachment in Relationships”).
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Now, there also are more specific things can be done, depending on what attachment

style a person might be. For an anxious attachment style, these people should learn and cultivate

good communication skills, and be ing able to voice their needs, concerns and feelings with the

other person. People with anxious attachment tend to show emotion through sudden bursts of

action that was affected by a certain emotion. Talking with the other person can help to create

some time to breathe instead of instantly acting when something is wrong. Also, learn to identify

the emotion that is being felt at that time and this can help to identify if there are any habits or

thought patterns that need to be changed in some way (“Anxious Attachment in Relationships”).

For someone with an avoidant attachment style, there are different things that can be

done. These kinds of people may need to take some personal space, and this helps them feel

more secure. Everyone is different and needs different amounts of space. Also, another important

thing to remember isis remembering that not everyone is worthy of trust, and not everyone can

be trusted on the same level. A good way to know if someone is trustworthy or not is to start off

with telling them lessmore insignificant things. If a person is respectful and does notsn’t freely

share what is told, then he or she is probably someone whothat can be trusted. Communication

skills and learning how to open up and express their feelings areis things something that

avoidants have a hard time with with. learning how to open up and express their feelings.

Sharing and communicating This helps someone whothat has an avoidant attachment style to

understand that sharing feelings is not bad and that it is ’s better to be open and share than to just

suppress the emotion (“Avoidant Attachment in Relationships”).

Just as communication skills is important for an anxious and avoidant to learn, one with a

disorganized attachment style needs to learn these skills too. These people also tend to hold

emotions inside instead of expressing them. This can help prevent a build-up and explosion of
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emotions. If one with a disorganized attachment is leans more on the side of being an avoidant,

then that person may also need to take some space and step back to feel more secure. Taking a

little space can especially help when there is conflict, just do notn’t take too much. Also, another

thing to keep in mind is to not avoid expressing feelings because of fear of how the other person

is going to react or what he or she might say. There is a way to tell what emotions are being felt

without being unkind (“How to Heal Disorganized Attachment: Self Regulation Tips”).

Another thing that could help for whatever attachment style one might have is therapy.

This can help a person resolve trauma that has been caused through the years and form new

habits that will help in future relationships (“Anxious Attachment in Relationships”). If one is

more of an avoidant, ththerapyeory will help him or her to be able to open up more and dissolve

the fear of being rejected or judged (“Avoidant Attachment in Relationships). ItTherapy can also

help a person to identify specific triggers and how to cope with emotions and feelings (“How to

Heal Disorganized Attachment: Self Regulation Tips”).

As you can see, dDysfunctional relationships occur because one or both people are either

needing validation from his or her partner and afraid of abandonment, someone who tends to like

solitude and is not very open and expressive with emotions, or an unhealthy mixture of the two.

Entering into either kind of relationship creates problems when one or both have different

triggers to make them feel insecure and different ways of solving conflict; so, learn to identify

your attachment style and how you can become healthy, for you, and for those who you desire

closeness with. Once one identifies what his attachment style is, he can better understand his

tendencies, and unhealthy habits, and coping skills (“How to Heal Disorganized Attachment:

Self Regulation Tips”).

No matter what attachment style a person may find himself to be, that attachment style is

not “fixed.” In time, people can change and become more secure (Kaur). The most important

thing to remember as Christians is that all information can avail nothing unless we let God help

us. We are told in Philippians 2:13, the Bible says, “For it is God which worketh in you both to

will and to do of His good pleasure” (KJV, Philippians 2:.13). It is ’s good to know what to do

and get advice onf how we can develop good habits and attachment, but it is God’s power in us

that can change us into a secure, loving and lovable Christian.

We are all different and will have different attachment styles and ways that we relate to

others butothers but learning to work with our differences and become more secure, we can

avoid many a lot of problems (Kaur). If any further information is needed or desired, reading Dr.

Amir Levine and Rachel Heller’s book Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and

How It Can Help You Find – And Keep – Love can provide additional information and provide a

clearer understanding. After there is a good understanding of what attachment styles are, there

are manya lot of things that can be done to heal and become a more secure person. It is s very

important for both people in a relationship to be the healthiest they can be emotionally. Even

though there may be some triggers that make one feel insecure, learning to cope with them and

communicate needs can prevent some conflicts and even save a relationship that looks like it is

ending. So, in order to have the healthiest possible relationships, one must become a secure

person, and when the other person in the relationship works on himself, this can result in a

healthy and happy relationship for both people involved.

Works Cited

"Anxious Attachment in Relationships." The Attachment Project, 29 Jul. 2023,

"Attachment Styles and Their Role in Relationships." The Attachment Project, 29 Jul. 2023,
www.attachmentproject.com/blog/four-attachment-styles/. Accessed 1 Feb. 2024
.
"Avoidant Attachment in Relationships." The Attachment Project, 29 Jul. 2023,
www.attachmentproject.com/avoidant-attachment-relationships/. Accessed 19 Feb. 2024.

Feuerman, , Marni LCSW, LMFT, and Carly Snyder MD. "Coping With An Insecure
Attachment Style." VerywellMind, 5 Dec. 2022, www.verywellmind.com/marriage-
insecure-attachment-style-2303303. Accessed 8 Feb. 2024.
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"How to Heal Disorganized Attachment: Self-Regulation Tips." The Attachment Project, 31 May
2023, www.attachmentproject.com/blog/self-regulation-disorganized-attachment-
triggers/. Accessed 5 Mar. 2024.

Kaur, Harmeet. "The Four Attachment Styles and How They Affect Your Relationships." CNN
Health, 29 Aug. 2023, www.cnn.com/health/attachment-styles-types-relationships-
wellness-cec/index.html#:~:text=Attachment%20styles%20can%20also%20vary,to
%20mean%20you%27re%20doomed. Accessed 8 Feb. 2024.

Jones, Heather, and Michael MacIntyre MD. "Different Attachment Styles and How They Affect
Relationships." VerywellMind, 9 May 2022. www.verywellmind.com/marriage-insecure-
attachment-style-2303303. Accessed 8 Feb. 2024.

Levine, Amir M.D, and Rachel Heller M.A. Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and
How It Can Help You Find - And Keep - Love. Penguin Group, 2010. pp. 44-246.

Manson, Mark. "Attachment Styles and How They Affect Your Relationships." Mark Manson,
markmanson.net/attachment-styles. Accessed 8 Feb. 2024.

Robinson, Lawrence , et al. "Attachment Styles and How They Affect Adult
Relationships." HelpGuide.Org, 8 Jan. 2024, www.helpguide.org/articles/relationship-
communication/attachment-and-adult-relationships.htm. Accessed 1 Feb. 2024

"Self Regulation Tips For Anxious Attachment Triggers." The Attachment Project, 15 Jul. 2022,
www.attachmentproject.com/blog/avoidant-attachment-triggers/. Accessed 19 Feb. 2024.

The Bible. KJV, Christian Art Publishers, 2012.