Death and What Comes
Next
A Discworld short story
By Terry Pratchett
When Death met the philosopher, the philosopher
said, rather excitedly: "At this point, you realise, I'm
both dead and not dead."
There was a sigh from Death. Oh dear, one of those, he
thought. This is going to be about quantum again. He
hated dealing with philosophers. They always tried to
wriggle out of it.
"You see," said the philosopher, while Death,
motionless, watched the sands of his life drain through
the hourglass, "everything is made of tiny particles,
which have the strange property of being in many
places at one time. But things made of tiny particles
tend to stay in one place at one time, which does not
seem right according to quantum theory. May I
continue?"
YES, BUT NOT INDEFINITELY, said Death, EVERYTHING IS
TRANSIENT. He did not take his gaze away from the
tumbling sand.
"Well, then, if we agreed that there are an infinite
number of universes, then the problem is solved! If
there are an unlimited number of universes, this bed
can be in millions of them, all at the same time!"
DOES IT MOVE?
"What?
Death nodded at the bed. CAN YOU FEEL IT MOVING? he
said.
"No, because there are a million versions of me, too,
And...here is the good bit ...in some of them I am not
about to pass away! Anything is possible!"
Death tapped the handle of his scythe as he considered
this.
AND YOUR POINT IS...?
"Well, I'm not exactly dying, correct? You are no longer
such a certainty."
There was a sigh from Death. Space he thought. That
was the trouble. It was never like this on worlds with
everlastingly cloudy skies. But once humans saw all
that space, their brains expanded to try and fill it up.
"No answer, eh?" said the dying philosopher. "Feel a
bit old-fashioned, do we?"
THIS IS A CONUNDRUM CERTAINLY, said Death. Once they
prayed, he thought. Mind you, he'd never been sure
that prayer worked, either. He thought for a while.
AND I SHALL ANSWER IT IN THIS MANNER, he added. YOU
LOVE YOUR WIFE?
"What?"
THE LADY WHO HAS BEEN LOOKING AFTER YOU. YOU LOVE HER?
"Yes. Of course."
CAN YOU THINK OF ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WHERE, WITHOUT
YOUR PERSONAL HISTORY CHANGING IN ANY WAY YOU WOULD AT
THIS MOMENT PICK UP A KNIFE AND STAB HER? said Death.
FOR EXAMPLE?
"Certainly not!"
BUT YOUR THEORY SAYS THAT YOU MUST. IT IS EASILY POSSIBLE
WITHIN THE PHYSICAL LAWS OF THE UNIVERSE, AND THEREFORE
MUST HAPPEN, AND HAPPEN MANY TIMES. EVERY MOMENT IS A
BILLION, BILLION MOMENTS, AND IN THOSE MOMENTS ALL
THINGS THAT ARE POSSIBLE ARE INEVITABLE. ALL TIME SOONER
OR LATER, BOILS DOWN TO A MOMENT.
"But of course we can make choices between-"
ARE THERE CHOICES? EVERYTHING THAT CAN HAPPEN, MUST
HAPPEN. YOUR THEORY SAYS THAT FOR EVERY UNIVERSE THAT'S
FORMED TO ACCOMMODATE YOUR 'NO', THERE MUST BE ONE TO
ACCOMMODATE YOUR 'YES'. BUT YOU SAID YOU WOULD NEVER
COMMIT MURDER. THE FABRIC OF THE COSMOS TREMBLES
BEFORE YOUR TERRIBLE CERTAINTY. YOUR MORALITY BECOMES A
FORCE AS STRONG AS GRAVITY. And, thought Death, space
certainly has a lot to answer for.
"Was that sarcasm?"
ACTUALLY, NO. I AM IMPRESSED AND INTRIGUED, said Death.
THE CONCEPT YOU PUT BEFORE ME PROVES THE EXISTENCE OF
TWO HITHERTO MYTHICAL PLACES. SOMEWHERE, THERE IS A
WORLD WHERE EVERYONE MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE, THE MORAL
CHOICE, THE CHOICE THAT MAXIMISED THE HAPPINESS OF THEIR
FELLOW CREATURES, OF COURSE, THAT ALSO MEANS THAT
SOMEWHERE ELSE IS THE SMOKING REMNANT OF THE WORLD
WHERE THEY DID NOT ...
"Oh, come on! I know what you're implying, and I've
never believed in any of that Heaven and Hell
nonsense!"
The room was growing darker. The blue gleam along
the edge of the reaper's scythe was becoming more
obvious.
ASTONISHING, said Death. REALLY ASTONISHING. LET ME PUT
FORWARD ANOTHER SUGGESTION: THAT YOU ARE NOTHING
MORE THAN A LUCKY SPECIES OF APE THAT IS TRYING TO
UNDERSTAND THE COMPLEXITIES OF CREATION VIA A LANGUAGE
THAT EVOLVED IN ORDER TO TELL ONE ANOTHER WHERE THE
RIPE FRUIT WAS?
Fighting for breath, the philosopher managed to say:
"Don't be silly."
THE REMARK WAS NOT INTENDED AS DEROGATORY, said Death.
UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES, YOU HAVE ACHIEVED A GREAT
DEAL.
"We've certainly escaped from outmoded
superstitions!"
WELL DONE, said Death. THAT'S THE SPIRIT. I JUST WANTED TO
CHECK.
He leaned forward.
AND ARE YOU AWARE OF THE THEORY THAT THE STATE OF SOME
TINY PARTICLES IS INDETERMINATE UNTIL THE MOMENT THEY
ARE OBSERVED? A CAT IN A BOX IS OFTEN MENTIONED.
"Oh, yes," said the philosopher.
GOOD, said Death. He got to his feet as the last of the
light died, and smiled.
I SEE YOU...
"Death and What Comes Next" was originally written
for, and appeared on Timehunt
(http://www.timehunt.com/timehunt.html), a game
website with a progressive series of puzzles.
The L-Space Web has kindly been granted permission
to publish this story, but Terry Pratchett reserves all
reproduction and other rights to the story.
This section of L-Space is maintained by The L-Space Librarians
The L-Space Web is a creation of The L-Space Librarians
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