(Bell rings)

VERONICA]: September 1st, 1989. Dear Diary.

(Music)
I believe I'm a good person, y’know,
I think there's good in everybody but here we are:
First day of senior year!
And uh… I look around at these kids that
I've known all my life and I ask myself: what happened?

[STUDENTS]: Freak, slut, burn-out, bug-eyes, poser, moron!

[VERONICA]: We were so tiny, happy and shiny,

Playing tag and getting chased.

[STUDENTS]: Freak, slut, loser, lard ass

[VERONICA]: Singing and clapping, laughing and napping, Baking cookies, eating paste.

[STUDENTS]: Redneck, stuck-up, hunchback!

[VERONICA]: Then we got bigger, that was the trigger

Like the Huns invading Rome!

(Heather and a republican girl bump into each other)

[REPUBLICAN GIRL]: Ugh!

[VERONICA]: Oh!! Sorry!!

[VERONICA]: Welcome to my school,

this ain't no high school This is the thunder dome.
Hold your breath and count the days,
We're graduating soon.

[STUDENTS]: White trash!

[VERONICA]: College will be paradise if I'm not dead by June!

(Everybody freezes)

[VERONICA]: But I know, I know, I know, life could be beautiful. I pray, I pray, I pray, for a better
way.
If we changed back then, we could change again!
We could be beautiful.

(Everybody unfreezes and dork gets tripped by Ram)

[HIPSTER DORK]: OW!

[VERONICA]: Just not today…

[VERONICA]: Hey are you okay?

[HIPSTER DORK]: Get away, nerd!

[VERONICA]: Sorry, uh…

[STUDENTS]: Freak, slut, cripple, homo, homo, homo!

[VERONICA]: Things will be better soon

as my letter comes from Harvard,
Duke, or Brown, Wake from this coma,
Take my diploma, then I can blow this town.
Dream of ivy covered walls and smokey french cafés.

[RAM]: Watch it!!

(Everybody gets lunch trays)

[VERONICA]: Fight the urge to strike strike a match

And set this dump ablaze!

(Ram snacks Veronica’s lunch tray)

[RAM]: Ooooops!

(Everybody freezes)

[VERONICA]: Ram Sweeney,

third year as linebacker and eighth year
of smacking lunch trays… and being a huge dick!

(Everybody unfreezes)

[RAM]: What did you say to me, skank?

[VERONICA]: Ah!! Nothing!!

[VERONICA]: But I know, I know, I know, life can be beautiful.
I pray, I pray, I pray, for a better way.
We were kind before, we can be kind once more,
We could be beautiful.

(Martha walks up behind Veronica and taps her on the shoulder)

[VERONICA]: Ah!! Hey, Martha.

[MARTHA]: Hey!

[VERONICA]: Martha Dunstock - my best friend since diapers.

She’s got a huge heart, But around here thats not enough

[MARTHA]: We still on for movie night?

[VERONICA]: Yeah, you're on Jiffy Pop detail!

[MARTHA]: I rented “The Princess Bride”!

[VERONICA]: Ohohohoo, wait again?

Wait, don't you have that memorized by now?

[MARTHA]: What can I say? I'm a sucker for a happy ending.

[KURT]: MARTHA DUMPTRUCK! WIDE LOAD! HONK! HA HA!! *smacks lunch tray*

(Everybody freezes)

[VERONICA]: Kurt Kelly: Quarterback.

He is the smartest guy on the football team…
which is kind of, like being the tallest dwarf!

(Everybody unfreezes)

[KURT]: ALL RIGHT!

[VERONICA]: HEY! Pick that up, right now!

[KURT]: I'm sorry. Are you actually talking to me?

[RAM]: My buddy Kurt asked you a question.

[VERONICA]: Yes I am.
I wanna know what gives you the right to pick on my friend; You're a Highschool has-been
waiting to happen… A future gas station attendant.

[KURT]: You have a zit right there.

[VERONICA]: Dear Diary! Why?

[HIPSTER DORK]: Why do they hate me?

[REPUBLICAN GIRL]:Why don't I fight back?

[KURT]: Why do I act like such a creep?

[VERONICA]: Why?

[MARTHA]: Why won't he date me?

[RAM]: Why did I hit him?

[STONER CHICK & MS. FLEMING & BLOW-DRIED PREPPY]:

Why do I cry myself to sleep?

[VERONICA]: Why?

[STUDENTS]: Somebody hug me,

Somebody fix me, somebody save me.
Give me a sign god, give me some hope here,
Something to live for!!

(All line up at entrance making a bridge with the lunch trays)

[STUDENTS]: Ahh, Heather, Heather, and Heather.

[VERONICA]: And then there's the Heathers:

They float above it all…

[STUDENTS]: I love Heather, Heather, and Heather.

(They stand in the spotlights)

[VERONICA]: Heather McNamara- Head cheerleader.

Her dad is LOADED, he sells engagement rings.
[VERONICA]: Heather Duke – Runs the yearbook.
No discernible personality but, her mom did pay for implants.

[STUDENTS]: I want Heather, Heather, and Heather.

[VERONICA]: and Heather Chandler – “the almighty” -… She is a mythic bitch.

[VERONICA]: They're solid Teflon:

Never bothered, never harassed.
I would give anything to be like that.’

[HIPSTER DORK]: I'd like to be their boyfriend.

[STUDENTS]: That would be beautiful

[STONER CHICK]: If I sat at their table,

Guys would notice me!

[STUDENTS]: So beautiful

[MARTHA]: I'd like them to be nicer.

[STUDENTS]: That would be beautiful

[BITTER GEEK]: I’d like to kidnap a Heather and photograph her naked in an abandoned
warehouse and leave her tied up for the rats!

(Scene change)

[H. Duke]: *Throwing up*

[H. CHANDLER]: Grow up Heather, bulimia is so 87

[H. MCNAMARA]: Heathers right, maybe you should see a doctor, Heather

[H. Duke]: Yeah Heather, maybe I should.

[MS. FLEMING]: Ah, Heather and Heather.

[H. Duke]: *Throwing up*

[MS. FLEMING]: And Heather.

[MS. FLEMING]: Perhaps you didn’t hear the bell over all the vomiting, you're late for class.
[H. CHANDLER]: Heather wasn’t feeling well, we’re helping her.

[MS. FLEMING]: Not without a hall pass, you’re not.

Weeks detention!

[VERONICA]: Actually, Ms Fleming…

All four of us are out on a hall pass.
For yearbook… committee.

[MS. FLEMING]: Very well, I see you're all listed…

Hurry up and get where you're going

[H. CHANDLER]: This is an excellent forgery. Who are you?

[VERONICA]: Uh… Veronica. Sawyer. I crave a boon.

[H. CHANDLER]: What boon?

Let me sit at your table at lunch, just once - no talking necessary. If people think you tolerate
me
Then maybe they'll leave me alone.

[Heathers snicker]

[VERONICA]: Wait before you guys answer,

I also do report cards, permission slips, and absence notes

[H. DUKE]: How about prescriptions?

[H. CHANDLER]: Shut up, Heather!

[H. DUKE]: Sorry, Heather.

[H. CHANDLER]: For a greasy little nobody,

You do have good bone structure.

[H. MCNAMARA]: And a symmetrical face.

If I were to put a meat cleaver down the center of your skull, I'd have matching halves… that's
very important.

[H. DUKE]:Of course, you could stand to lose a few pounds.

[H. CHANDLER]: And you know, you know,

You know. This could be beautiful. Mascara,
maybe some lip gloss, and we’re on our way.
Get this girl some blush. And Heather, I need your brush!

[H. CHANDLER]: Let’s make her beautiful

[H. DUKE]: Let’s make her beautiful

[H. MCNAMARA]: Let’s make her beautiful

[H. CHANDLER]: Make her beautiful!

[H. CHANDLER]: Okay?

[VERONICA]: Okay!

(Scene change bell rings)

[KURT]: Out of my way geek!

[BITTER GEEK]: I don't want trouble -

[RAM]: You're gonna die at 3pm!

[REPUBLICANETTE & GOTH GIRL]:

Don't you dare touch me! Get away, pervert!

[BITTER GEEK]: What'd I ever do to them?

[STUDENTS]: Who could survive this?

I can't escape this!
I think I'm dying!

[MS. FLEMING]: Who’s that with Heather?

[STUDENTS]: Whoa. Heather, Heather, Heather…

[NEW WAVE GIRL]: And... someone!

[STUDENTS]: Heather, Heather, Heather...

[GOWAN & COACH]: And a babe!

[STUDENTS]: Heather, Heather, Heather...

[MARTHA]: Veronica?!

[STUDENT]: Veronica! Veronica! Veronica!!!

(Veronica runs out from entrance with her hand up)

[VERONICA]: And ya know,

ya know, ya know
life could be beautiful.
You hope, you dream, you pray,
and you get your way!
Ask me how it feels
looking like hell on wheels...
My God, it's beautiful!

[STUDENTS]: Beautiful

[VERONICA]: I might be beautiful

[STUDENTS]: Beautiful

[VERONICA]: And when you're beautiful...

It's a beautiful frickin' day! Day!!!

[STUDENTS]: Heather! Heather! Heather! Veronica! Heather! Heather! Heather!

[ALL]: Veronica! Veronica!

Veronica! Veronica! Veronica!!!

(New scene)
(Veronica writing in her diary)

[VERONICA]: Dear Diary, it’s been three weeks since I became friends with the Heathers!

[VERONICA]: Chuckles

[VERONICA]: Well I don’t think friends is exactly the right word. It’s more like the Heathers are
the people I work with. And our job is to be popular and shit

(Bell rings)

[MARTHA]: Hey Veronica?

[VERONICA]: Hey!

[MARTHA]: You really do look beautiful these days.

[VERONICA]: Awe, thank you but it’s still the same me.

[MARTHA]: Are you sure?

[VERONICA]: Oh, look I’m really sorry I missed the movie night last week. I’ve just had a lot
going on.

[MARTHA]: I get that, your with the Heathers now. That’s exiting!

[H. DUKE]: Veronica! Heather says to haul ass to the table pronto!

[VERONICA]: How vary…

[H. CHANDLER]: Veronica! I need a forgery in Rams handwriting. You’ll need something to write
on! Heather bend over!

[H. CHANDLER]: Hello beautiful! I’ve been watching you and thinking about some of the old
days. I hope you’ll come to my homecoming party this weekend! Miss you, Ram.

[H. CHANDLER]: Oh! And put a XO after the signature.

[VERONICA]: What’s this for anyway?

[H. CHANDLER]: I just found out the Ram used to hang with Martha Dumtruck!

[VERONICA]: Well yeah, in kindergarten we all did?

[H. DUKE]: We all didn’t kiss on the kickball field!

[H. MCNAMARA]: Oh yeah that’s right I remember! Ram kissed Martha Dumtruck. It was
disgusting!

[H. CHANDLER]: Perfect!

[RAM]: It would be so righteous to be in the middle of a Heather Chandler, Veronica Sawyer

Sandwich.

[KURT]: Hell yeah, punch it in!

[H. CHANDLER]: Ram! Be a sweety and give this note to Martha Dumtruck for me!
[[VERONICA]: What no?!

[RAM]: Why would you talk to that lard ass?

[H. CHANDLER]: Oh don’t read it! She’s having an extra heavy flow and wanted advice from my
gino!

[RAM]: Ew gross!

[VERONICA]: What are you doing?! Please don’t do this, okay?.. Not to Martha.

[H. DUKE]: What?! It will give her shower nozzle masterbation material for weeks!

[H. CHANDLER]: Shut up Heather!

[H. DUKE]: Sorry Heather!

[VERONICA]: Martha has had a thing for Ram for 12 years now okay?... This would kill her.

(Start of Candy store)

[H. CHANDLER]:
Are we gonna have a problem?
Do you got a bone to pick?
You’ve come so far,
Why now are you pulling on my dick?!
I’d normally slap your face off,
and everyone here could watch.
But I’m feeling nice. Here’s some advice.
Listen up be-yatch!

[H. DUKE & [Link]]: I like!

[H. CHANDLER]: Lookin’ hot. Buying stuff they cannot

[H. DUKE & H. MCNAMARA]: I like!

[H. CHANDLER]: drinkin’ hard. Maxin’ Dad’s credit card

[H. DUKE & H. MCNAMARA]: I like!

[H. CHANDLER]: Skipping’ gym, scaring her, screwing him

[H. DUKE & H. MCNAMARA]: I like!

[H. CHANDLER]: Killer clothes

[HEATHERS]: Kickin’ nerds in the nose!

[H. CHANDLER]: If you lack the balls, you can go play dolls. Let your mommy fix you a snack.

[H. DUKE & H. MCNAMARA]: Woah!

[H. CHANDLER]: Or you could come smoke have some rum and coke. In a nice Porsche with
the quarterback!

[H. DUKE & H. MCNAMARA]: Woah! Woah! Woah!

[HEATHERS]:
Honey, whatchu waitin’ for?
Welcome to my candy store
It’s time for you to prove
You’re not a loser anymore
Then step into my candy store!

[HEATHERS]:
Guys fall

[H. DUKE]: At your feet, Pay the check

[H. MCNAMARA]: Help you cheat

[HEATHERS]:
All you

[H. DUKE]: Have to do

[H. CHANDLER]: Is say goodbye to Shamoo!

[HEATHERS]: That freak’s

[H. MCNAMARA]: Not your friend I can tell in the end

[HEATHERS]:
If she

[H. DUKE]: Had your shot

[HEATHERS]:
She would leave you to rot!

[H. MCNAMARA]: ‘Course if you don’t care,

Fine! Go braid her hair, Maybe Sesame Street is on

[H. CHANDLER & H. DUKE]: Woah!

[H. MCNAMARA]: Or forget that creep

[H. DUKE]: And get in my jeep

[H. CHANDLER]: Let’s go tear up someone’s lawn

[H. DUKE & H. MCNAMARA]:Woah! Woah! Woah!

[HEATHERS]: Honey, whatchu waitin’ for?

Welcome to my candy store. You just gotta prove you’re not a pussy anymore! Then step into
my candy store!

[H. CHANDLER]: You can join the team

[H. DUKE & H. MCNAMARA]: Or you can bitch and moan

[H. CHANDLER]: You can live the dream

[H. DUKE & H. MCNAMARA]: Or you can die alone

[H. CHANDLER]: You can fly with eagles

[H. DUKE & H. MCNAMARA]: Or if you prefer

[H. CHANDLER]: Keep on testing me

[H. DUKE & H. MCNAMARA]: And end up like her!

[MARTHA]: Veronica, look!

Ram invited me to his homecoming party. See I told you there was still something there! This
proves he’s been thinking about me.

[VERONICA]: …Color me stoked.

[MARTHA]: I’m so happy!

[HEATHERS]: Woah!

[H. DUKE]: Honey, whatchu waiting fo—

[H. CHANDLER]: SHUT UP HEATHER, STEP INTO MY CANDY STORE

[H. DUKE & H. MCNAMARA]: Time for you

to prove you're not a looser anymore!

[HEATHERS]: Then step into my candy store

[HEATHERS]: It’s my candy store, It’s my candy,

It’s my candy store, It’s my candy, It’s my candy store!!!

(New scene)

[J.D]: Guess you bowed down to the Diet Coke heads and swatch dogs!

[J.D]: Clearly, you got a soul. You just gotta work harder on keeping it clean. We’re all born
equal.

[VERONICA]: Okay? Don’t just say that and walk away, excuse me?

[VERONICA]: I didn’t catch your name.

[J.D]: I didn’t throw it.

[RAM]: Who’s that guy in the jacket think he is anyways?

[RAM]: Veronica is into his acts, no doubt.

[KURT]: Then let’s kick his ass!

[RAM]: No. We’re seniors man, we’re too old for that shit!

(Kurt walks up to him)

[KURT]: HEY! SWEETHEART! What did your boyfriend say when you told him you were moving
to Sherwood Ohioooo?

[RAM]: My buddy Kurt just asked you a question.

[KURT]: Hey Ram, doesn’t that cafeteria have a no Fags allowed rule?
[J.D]: Seems to have an open door policy for assholes, though.

[RAM]: Hold his arms.

(Song fight for me starts)

[GIRLS]: Holy shit!

[BOYS]: Holy shit!

[GIRLS]: Holy shit!

[BOYS]: Holy shit!

[ALL]: Holy shit!

[ALL]: Holy shit!

[ALL]: Holy shit!

[ALL]: Holy shit!

[ALL]: Holy shit!!!!

(Everybody freezes but Veronica)

[VERONICA]: Why when you see boys fight does it look so horrible. Yet feel so right. I shouldn't
watch this crap that's not who I am but for this kid, damn.

[VERONICA]: Hey, Mr. No name kid

So who might you be?
And could you fight for me?
And hey, could you face the crowd?
could you be seen with me and still act proud?
Hey, could you hold my hand
and could carry me through no man's land?
It's fine if you don't agree,
but I would fight for you
if you would fight for me.

[STUDENTS]: Ah (Under Veronica)

[VERONICA]: Let them drive us underground

I don't care how far
You can set my broken bones and I know CPR

(Everybody unfreezes)

[VERONICA]Well, woah, you can punch real good

You've lasted longer than I thought you would
So hey, Mr. No Name Kid
So if some night you're free!!!!
Wanna fight for me?!!!!

[STUDENTS]: Holy shit!

[VERONICA]: If you're still alive!!!!

[STUDENTS]: Holy shit!

[VERONICA]: I would fight for you!!!!

[STUDENTS]: Holy shit! Holy shit!

[VERONICA]: If you would fight for me!!!!!

[STUDENTS]: Holy shit! Holy shit! Holy shit! Holy shit!

(New scene)

[H. CHANDLER]: God Veronica, drool much? You were totally throwing your panties at that new
kid!

[HEATHERS]: *Laughs*

[H. CHANDLER]: And judging by your house, you can’t afford replacement panties.

[HEATHERS]: *Laughs*

[VERONICA]: Come on, I don’t even know his name.

(Heather C putts the ball towards Heathers parents)

[H. CHANDLER]: Mr and Mrs Sawyer, watch out!

[VERONICAS MOM]: Oh haha! There you go girls! Care for some pancakes?
[H. CHANDLER]: That’s not patte, it’s Liverworst.

[VERONICAS MOM]: Ehem.. I’m aware of that Heather! It’s a family jewel!

[H. CHANDLER]: Oh… funny.

[VERONICAS DAD]: Dammit! Can somebody please tell me why I read these spy novels?

[VERONICA]: Oh, because your an idiot dad

[VERONICAS DAD]: Oh yeah… That’s it!

[VERONICA]: *laughs*

[VERONICAS MOM]: So girls, what are your big plans for tonight?

[VERONICA]: Yeah, there’s a big homecoming party at Ram’s house. So I’m going to catch a
ride with the Heathers.

[H. CHANDLER]: Speaking if which…

(Heather places pancake back on plate)

[VERONICA]: Okay, uh, great patte mom but we gotta motor if we wanna be ready for this party.

[VERONICAS MOM]: Don’t let these popular girls change you!

[VERONICA]: I need them mom.

[VERONICAS MOM]: What for? You have other friends? You have Martha.

[VERONICA]: Maybe I want more out of life than liverworst, mom.

[VERONICAS DAD]: Those girls seem really nice.

[HEATHERS]:
Step into my candy store!
It’s my candy store.
It’s my candy!
It’s my candy store!
It’s my candy!
It’s my candy store!
It’s my candy STORE!!!!
(New scene)

(Car horn blares)

[H. CHANDLER]: VERONICA!

[H. CHANDLER]: DON'T FORGET THE CORN NUTS! IT'S NOT A PARTY WITHOUT CORN
NUTS!

[VERONICA]: BQ or plain?

[H. CHANDLER]: BQ!!

[J.D]: Greetings and salutations. You want a slurpee with that?

[VERONICA]: No I’m good.

[J.D]: It’s like going to McDonalds and ordering a salad! Slurpee is the signature dish of the
house! Did you say cherry or lime?

[VERONICA]: I’m Veronica by the way. Are you ever going to tell me your name?

[J.D]: it’s all in the suspense. Jason Dean. J.D for short.

[VERONICA]: Oh? JD? The thing you pulled in the cafeteria was pretty severe.

[J.D]: Well extreme always seems to make an impression.

[VERONICA]: *chuckles*

[VERONICA]: So what’s a Bodalare quoting badass like you doing in Sherwood Ohio?

[J.D]: My dads work. He owns a… deconstruction company.

[VERONICA]: Deconstruction??

[J.D]: The old man seems to enjoy tearing things down. You’ve seen the commercial?

[J.D]: My name's Big Buck Dean, If it’s in the way I’ll make your day!!

[VERONICA]: Hahahaha and the he pushes the button and everything in the screen blows up?
Hahahaha! Ehem… that’s your dad?

[J.D]: Yep. The old semi psychotic!

(Car horn blares)

[H. CHANDLER]: VERONICAAAAAA

[VERONICA]: I don’t really like my friends.

[J.D]: I don’t really like your friends either.

[J.D]: We could just ditch them and have a date here!

[VERONICA]: Oh! 7-11? Fancy first date!

[J.D]: I love this place.

[VERONICA]: No offense but why do you?

[J.D]: I've been through ten high schools

They start to get blurry
No point planting roots
'Cause you're gone in a hurry
My dad keeps two suitcases packed in the den
So it's only a matter of when
I don't learn the names
Don't bother with faces
All I can trust is this concrete oasis
Seems every time I'm about to despair
There's a 7-Eleven right there!
Each store is the same
From Las Vegas to Boston
Linoleum aisles that I love to get lost in
I pray at my altar of slush
Yeah, I live for that sweet frozen rush!

(Pauses to drink and groans in pain)

Freeze your brain

Suck on that straw
Get lost in the pain
Happiness comes
When everything numbs
Who needs cocaine?
Freeze your brain
Freeze your brain
[J.D]: Care for a hit?

[VERONICA]: Does your mommy know you eat all that crap?

[J.D]: Not anymore.

[J.D]: When Mom was alive

We lived halfway normal
Now it's just me and my dad
We're less formal
I learned to cook pasta
I learned to pay rent
Learned the world doesn't owe you a cent
You're planning your future
Veronica Sawyer
You'll go to some college
And marry a lawyer
But the sky's gonna hurt when it falls
So you better start building some walls
Freeze your brain
Swim in the ice
Get lost in the pain
Shut your eyes tight
'Til you vanish from sight
Let nothing remain
Freeze your brain!
Shatter your skull
Fight pain with more pain
Forget who you are
Unburden your load
Forget in six weeks
You'll be back on the road
When the voice in your head
Says you're better off dead
Don't open a vein!
Just freeze your brain...
Freeze your brain...
Go on and freeze your brain...

[J.D]:Try it.

(Veronica stops and takes a sip)

[VERONICA]:.. Yeah I don’t really see..? OH SON OF A BITCH.

[H. CHANDLER]: Veronica?

[VERONICA]:Oh god! I gotta go! I’m sorry, I’m sorry.

[H. CHANDLER]: Corn dogs?!

[H. CHANDLER]: Say bye bye to emo boy here, and let’s motor!

(Scene change)

[RAMS DAD]: Alright have fun tonight! But I expect you to act your age. If somebody tells you to
turn down the noise you listen, you understand me?

[RAM] Dude, what am I, like 5?

[RAMS DAD]: Im your dad not your dude!

[KURT'S DAD]: Make sure to treat everyone with respect.

[KURT]: Sure thing.. DUDE

[BOTH]: *Chuckle*

(Dad puts Kurt’s arm behind his back)

[KURT]: OW DAD! I’m sorry STOP STOP

(Dad stops and walks away)

[KURTS DAD]: Enjoy the party, son

[KURT]: Oh man that sucked!

[RAM]: Who cares dude, the parents are gone and I got THE PARTY SLIPPERS ON

(Scene change)

[RAM]: Dad says act your age, you heard the man, it’s time to rage!

[ALL]: Blast the bass, turn out the light, ain't nobody home tonight!

[RAM]: Drink, smoke, it’s all cool, jump right into my heated pool!
[ALL]: Punch the wall and start a fight, ain't nobody home tonight!

[KURT]: His folks got a waterbed, come upstairs and rest your head.

[RAM]: Let us cuddle you, while dialing up some videos on Cinemax!

[ALL]: Ahh The folks are gone, it's time for big fun! We’re up til dawn, having some big fun! Big
fun!
When mom and dad forget to lock the liquor cabinet!
It's big fun, big fun! Whoo!

[VERONICA]: Okay, so salt, lime, then a shot.

[H. CHANDLER]: You’re doing it wrong!

[VERONICA]: Wait really?! But I feel great!

[PREPPY STUD]: Veronica, you're looking good tonight!

[VERONICA]: Whoa. A hot guy smiled at me without a trace of mockery!

[ALL]: Everyone so high tonight! Ain’t nobody home tonight!!!

[STONER GIRL]: So stoned tonight! You want some?

[VERONICA]: I want a hit!

[ALL]: Don’t get close, you might ignite! Ain’t nobody home tonight!

[VERONICA]: Dreams are coming true when people laugh but not at you. I'm not alone, I'm not
afraid! I feel like Bono at Live Aid!

[ALL]: The folks are gone!! It’s time for big fun! Big Fun!
Time for shots! I call that big fun! Big fun! Big funnn!

[VERONICA]: I think that’s what they call third base!

[ALL]: Big Fun! Big Fun! Big Fun!

[ALL]: Big Fun! Big Fun! Big Fun! Whoo

[KURT]: Yo Rottweilers! What is Westerburg gonna to do to the Razorbacks at Sunday’s game?

[RAM]: Gonna make em go whee! Whee! Wheee! Whee!

(Ram starts to kiss H. Duke)

[H. DUKE]: HEY JACKASS GET OFF OF ME!

[ALL]: Big Fun! Big Fun!

[VERONICA]: Yo! Ram, emergency! I just saw some freshman sneaking over the pool fence.

[RAM]: I hate freshman! Where are you little pricks? I’m coming for you!!

[VERONICA]: Hey are you okay?

[H. Duke]: I didn’t NEED your help!

[VERONICA]: Awee thanks Heather! But I don’t really think you had it covered just now?

[ALL]: It’s time for big fun! BIG FUN!

[ALL]: We’re having big fun! BIG FUN!

[H. CHANDLER]: Martha Dumptruck, in the flesh.

[H. DUKE]: Here comes the Cootie Squad.

We should -

[H. CHANDLER]: SHUT UP HEATHER.

[H. DUKE]: Sorry, Heather.

[H. MCNAMARA]: Look who's with her -- Oh, my God!

[HEATHERS]: Dang! Dang! Diggety-dang-a-dang! Dang-dang! Diggety-dang-a-dang!

[VERONICA]: I can't believe you actually came.

[MARTHA]: It's exciting, right? Excuse me, I want to say hello to Ram. I brought sparkling cider!

[H. CHANDLER]: Showing up here took some guts.

Time to rip them out.

[H. DUKE]: Well, who's this pig remind you of?

Especially the snout.
Hah!

[HEATHERS]:Dang, dang, diggety-dang-a-dang!

Dang, dang, diggety-dang-a-dang!

[RAM]: Where the hell are those freshman?

[MARTHA]: Hi, Ram. I- I wasn't gonna come, but since you took the time to write that sweet
note...

[RAM]: What note? Why d'you gotta be so weird all the time? People wouldn't hate you so much
if you acted normal.
(Ram drinks the sparkling cider)

[RAM]: Pffffttttt! GROSS! THERE'S NO ALCOHOL IN HERE. Are you TRYING to poison me?!

[ALL]: Dang, dang, diggety dang a dang Dang, dang, diggety dang a dang Dang, dang, diggety
dang a dang Diggety dang a dang!

[ALL]: The folks are gone! It's time for big fun! Big fun!
Were up til dawn, having some big fun! big fun!
So let the speakers blow, they'll buy another stereo!
Our folks got no clue ‘bout half the shit their children do!
Why are they surprised whenever we're unsupervised it’s big fun!

(All gather around Veronica on platform taking shots)

Big Fun! Big fun! Big fun! Big fun! Big fun! Big fun!
(Veronica jumps off)
WHOO!!!

[H. CHANDLER]: Alright Westerburg! Time to celebrate our upcoming victory by WHACKING
the other schools mascot.

[RAM]: Whack it!

[H. MCNAMARA]: We need a volunteer to take the first swing at the pinataaaaa.

[H. CHANDLER]: Martha Dumpstock! I think you should do the honors!

[MARTHA. D]: I don’t really know this game…

[H. MCNAMARA]: Let’s show this girl some Westerburg spirit!

[ALL]: YEAHHHH
MARTHA!
MARTHA!
MARTHA!
MARTHA!
MARTHA!
MARTHA!
MARTHA!
MARTHA!
MARTHA!
MARTHA!

[H. MCNAMARA]: Bring out the pinataaaa

(Students cheer)
(Veronica starts trying to take the piñata back)

[H. DUKE]: Heather HELP

(Veronica takes it back)

[VERONICA]: STOP! What is your damage Heather?!

[VERONICA]: You want this thing, then swim for it!

(She throws it into the pool)

[MARTHA]: What’s going on?

[VERONICA]: Just go home, I’ll explain it to you later.

[MARTHA]: NO I was going to-

[VERONICA]: Please just listen to me.. Just go. Okay?

[VERONICA]: Well we gave it a shot, okay? I’m resigning my commission from the LIPGLOSS
GISTOPO

[VERONICA]: I’m going back to civilian life…

[H. MCNAMARA]: NO!

[VERONICA]: Don’t spin me, I'm not feeling well…

[H. MCNAMARA]: You don’t get to be a nobody! Come Monday you’re an ex somebody. Not
even the losers will TOUCH you now. Transfer to Washington! Transfer to Jefferson! Nobody at
Westerburg is going to let you play their REINDEER GAMES.

[VERONICA]: *Throws up on Heather*

[H. MCNAMARA]: *Screams* I raised you up from NOTHING! And what’s my THANKS?! I get
caked in PUKE!

[VERONICA]: Oh lick it up baby! LICK IT UP!

[H. MCNAMARA]: I know who I’m eating lunch with on Monday… Do you???

(Veronica runs away)

[H. MCNAMARA]: Okay party people! Where’s the goddamn cake?!

[ALL]: *Cheers*

(New scene)

[VERONICA]: The demon queen of high school has decreed it

She says Monday, 8 a.m, I will be deleted
They'll hunt me down in study hall
Stuff and mount me on the wall
Thirty hours to live
How shall I spend them
I don't have to stay and die like cattle
I could change my name and ride up to Seattle
But I don't own a motorbike
Wait, here's an option that I like
Spend these 30 hours gettin' freaky, yeah
I need it hard
I'm a dead girl walking
I'm in your yard
I'm a dead girl walking
Before they punch my clock
I'm snappin' off your window lock
Got no time to knock, I'm a dead girl walking

[J.D]: Veronica, what are you doing in my room

[VERONICA]: Shhhhh! Sorry, but I really had to wake you

See, I decided I must ride you 'til I break you
'Cause Heather says I gots to go
You're my last meal on death row
Shut your mouth and lose them tighty-whities
Come on
Tonight I'm yours
I'm your dead girl walking
Get on all fours
Kiss this dead girl walking
Let's go, you know the drill
I'm hot and pissed and on the pill
Bow down to the will of a dead girl walking
And you know, you know, you know
It's 'cause you're beautiful
You say you're numb inside
But I can't agree
So the world's unfair
Keep it locked out there
In here it's beautiful
Let's make this beautiful

[J.D]: That works for me

[VERONICA]: Yeah, full steam ahead

Take this dead girl walking

[J.D]: How'd you find my address

[VERONICA]: Let's break the bed

Rock this dead girl walking

[J.D]: I think you tore my mattress

[VERONICA]: No sleep tonight for you

Better chug that Mountain Dew

[J.D]: Okay, okay

[VERONICA]: Get your ass in gear

Make this whole town disappear

[J.D]: Okay, okay

[VERONICA]: Slap me, pull my hair

Touch me there and there and there
And no more talking
Love this dead girl walking
Love this dead girl walking
Love this dead girl
Yeah, yeah, yeah

[J.D]: Ow

[BOTH]: Yeah!!!

(Scene change)

H. CHANDLER]: Hello slut!

[VERONICA]: How did you get in here?!

[H. CHANDLER]: I’m like oxygen! I’m everywhere!

[H. CHANDLER]: Really Veronica?! Sleeping with psycho trench coat kid? I will CRUCIFY you
for this. Everyone at school is gonna know good little Veronica is nothing but a dirty WHORE.

[VERONICA]: Heather, why are you so determined to hurt me?!

[H. CHANDLER]: Because I can! It’ll be so vary!

[EVERYONE]: Vary! Vary! Vary! Vary! Vary!! Vary!!! Vary!!!

[VERONICA]: *Screams*

[J.D]: Veronica! You’re soaking wet!

[VERONICA]: Oh my god! Oh my god! It was just a dream!

[J.D]: What’s the rush?

[VERONICA]: I have to get to Heathers house

[J.D]: What?! You told me you were done with Heather?

[VERONICA]: Yeah and it was a sweet fantasy! A world without Heather. A world where
everyone is free. Now it’s morning. I have to go kiss Heathers ass.

[J.D]: No?!
[VERONICA]: Yes! I’m not strong… like you are.

[J.D]: Let me come with

[VERONICA]: Wait really?

[J.D]: Yeah. For backup?

(They kiss)

[VERONICA]: Okay, um thank you. By the way… you were my first!

(Scene changes)

[VERONICA]: Heather? Heather?!

[H. CHANDLER]: What??!

[VERONICA]: It’s Veronica, I'm here to apologize!

[H. CHANDLER]: Hope you brought knee pads, bitch!

[H. CHANDLER]: Fix me a prairie oyster and I will THINK about it.

[VERONICA]: How do you make that? Oh! Raw eggs and vinegar…

[J.D]: Hot sauce, worchestire sauce, and salt and pepper!

[VERONICA]: You know your hangover cures!

[J.D]: My dad trained me well.

[VERONICA]: Ooo look, here's my revenge okay? I’m going to put a spit-wad in it and she’ll
never know. *chuckles*

[J.D]: I’m more of a No Rust Milda man, myself.

[VERONICA]: Oh okay?! Don’t be a dick that stuff would kill her!

[J.D]: Thus ending her hang-over!!

[VERONICA]: No that’s a bad idea! Besides she would never drink something that looks like
that.
[J.D]: Oh.. your right.. we’ll use a mug! That way, she’ll have no idea WHAT she’s drinking.

[J.D]: CHICKEN bak, bak, bak, bak, bak

[VERONICA]: Hey, your not funny.

[J.D]: Sorry

(Two kiss)

[H. CHANDLER]: Prairie oyster CHOP CHOP

(Veronica grabs the mug)

[J.D]: Veronica?!

[VERONICA]: What?

[J.D]: Nevermind.

[VERONICA]: Okay

[VERONICA]: Good morning, Heather.

[H. CHANDLER]: Awe Veronica! And Jessie James… how.. sweet.. Come on let’s get to it!
BEG!

[VERONICA]: I think last night we both said a lot of things we didn’t mean-

[H. CHANDLER]: I actually was preferring you to do this on your knees. In fact, do it with your
boy toy here.

[VERONICA]: Umm.. I’m really sorry I-

[H. CHANDLER]: *laughs* Do I LOOK like I’m kidding?! DOWN.

(Veronica gets on her knees and hands Heather C the drink)

[H. CHANDLER]: Nice.. But you’re still dead to me.

(She drinks mug and starts chocking)

[H. CHANDLER]: You… Bitch…

!
(She dies on the floor)

[J.D]: HOLY SHIT

[VERONICA]: Oh my god! OH MY GOD! Don’t just stand there, call 911!

[J.D]: I think it’s a little late for that.

[VERONICA]: Heather? Heather? Oh my god! OH MY GOD! I just KILLED my best friend!!

[J.D]: And your worst enemy

[VERONICA]: Oh big difference!

[VERONICA]: The police are going to think I did this on purpose! Oh my god! They are going to
have to send my SAT scores to jail.

[J.D]: Unless… Oh look! She was reading… The Bell Charm.

[VERONICA]: No.

[J.D]: Yes. You can fake her handwriting. Just make it sound deep, like this.

[J.D]: I had pain in my path, my problems were myriad..

[VERONICA]: I was having my period! *chuckles*

[VERONICA]: OH MY GOD!

[J.D]: RELAX WE COULD GO TO JAIL. Get your head on straight NOW!

[VERONICA]: Okay! Okay! Okay! Heather would never use the word myriad because she
missed it on her vocab quiz last week!

[J.D]: So it’s a badge for her failures at school. WORK WITH ME.

[VERONICA]: Okay! Okay! Um… Where do I start?

[JD]: Think. Long and hard. Conjure her up in your mind.

What would she say?
What is her final statement to a cold, uncaring planet?

[VERONICA]: "Dear world...

Believe it or not, I knew about fear;
I knew the way loneliness stung.
I hid behind smiles and crazy hot clothes;
I learned to kiss boys with my tongue."

[JD]: That's good.

[VERONICA]: "But oh, the world, it held me down;

It weighed like a concrete prom queen crown."

[H. CHANDLER]: No one thinks a pretty girl has feelings.

No one gets her insecurity.
I am more than shoulder pads and makeup.
No one sees the me inside of me.
[Spoken] Jesus, you're making me sound like Air Supply!

[JD]: Keep going. This has to be good enough to fool the cops.

(They leave the scene and cops enter)

[MCCORD]: Whoa! Is it murder?

[MILNER]: No, look. Here's a suicide note.

[VERONICA, CHANDLER, COPS]:

"They couldn't see past my rockstar mystique,
They wouldn't dare look in my eyes.
But just underneath was a terrified girl
who clings to her pillow and cries!
My looks were just like prison bars;
they've left me a myriad of scars."

[H. CHANDLER]: "Myriad." Nice.

[VERONICA, CHANDLER, COPS]:

"No one thinks a pretty girl has substance.
That's the curse of popularity."

[PRINCIPAL GOWAN]: “I am more than just the source of vengeance"

[VERONICA, HEATHER, GOWAN, COPS]:

"No one sees the me inside of me."

[COACH RIPPER]: I’m telling you, Principal Gowan.

Heather Chandler is not your everyday suicide
You should cancel classes.

[PRINCIPAL GOWAN]: No way, Coach.

I send the kids home before lunch
and the switchboard'll light up like a Christmas tree.

[MS FLEMING]: Our children are dying! I hate to pull out my sociology degree, but what this
school needs is a good old fashion rap session.
I suggest we get everybody in the cafeteria
and just talk and feel together

[PRINCIPAL GOWAN]: Thank you, Ms. Fleming.

Call me when the shuttle lands. *laughs*

[[Link]]: Go ahead! Laugh at the hippie!

but I’m telling you we all misjudged Heather Chandler.
This is the loveliest suicide note I have ever read!

[MS. FLEMING & H. CHANDLER]:

"Box up my clothing for Goodwill,
and give the poor my Nordic Track.
Donate my car to crippled kids,
or to those ghetto moms on crack.
Give them my hats and my CDs,
my pumps and my flats, my three TVs!"

[CHANDLER, FACULTY]: "No one thinks a pretty girl has feelings;

but I weep for all I failed to be.
Maybe I can help the world by leaving;
Maybe that the me inside of me."

[PRINCIPAL GOWAN]: Aw, hell. Long weekend for everybody!

[MS. FLEMING]
Not so fast, kids. Take these and pass them around. They're refueling the buses,
Which gives us a solid half-hour of healing.
I've made copies of the suicide note
So you all can feel Heather's anguish.

[H. MCNAMARA]: I never knew about her pain!

[MS. FLEMING]: Go on!

[HIPSTER DORK]: Her life had hit a rocky patch!

[MS. FLEMING]: Feel!

[YOUNG REPUBLICANETTE]:
Deep down she wasn’t cruel or vein!

[MS. FLEMING]: Heal!

[STUDENTS]: She didn’t mean to be a snatch!

[MS. FLEMING]: Veronica, something on your mind? You’ve been awfully quiet.

[VERONICA]: Uhhh… Maybe.. Heather realized the only way to be happy was to give up her
power and the only way to do that was… death?

[MS. FLEMING]: My God.

Look what we've done.
We're breaking through!
Heather would be so proud of you!

[STUDENTS]: And you! And you! And you! And you!

[ALL]: No one thinks a pretty girl can touch you...

[RAM & KURT]: Heather touching me...

[ALL]: But she's made us better than we were.

Heather's dead, but she will live inside me,
And I'll be the me inside of her!!

[H. CHANDLER]: Oh My God!

[ALL]: Heather died, our sins fell on her shoulders!

[H. CHANDLER]: JESUS CHRIST!

[ALL]: Heather died, so we could all be free!

[H. CHANDLER]: I’m bigger than John Lennon!

[ALL]: Heather's gone, but she will live forever!

[MARTHA]: She's the dove that sings outside my window!

[BITTER GEEK]: She's the twin from whom
I'm separated!

[STONER CHICK]: She's the horse I never got for Christmas!

[ALL]: Heather sees the me inside of me!

Heather is the me inside of me!
Inside of... me!

[ALL]: Heather is the me inside of me inside of!!! MEEEE!

(Scene change)

[H. DUKE]: A lot of these negative people choose to focus on their grieving. Well I hate those
people because I am a very positive person. I remember the good times! Like when Heather
and I got our ears pierced at the mall. I can still hear those late night talks on the phone

(Scene changes)

[VERONICA]: Ah turn it off! Damn how many networks did she run to?!

[J.D DAD]: Hello pops!

[J.D]: I didn’t hear you come in!

[J.D DAD]: Why don’t you introduce me to your new girlfriend!

[VERONICA]: Oh hey! I’m uh-Veronica

(J.D dad hands her a beer)

[J.D DAD]: Drink up cutie

[VERONICA]: It’s a little early?

[J.D]: Dad… Hey champ, you know we don’t condone underage drinking in this household

[J.D DAD]: Ohhhh so your a good girl.

[VERONICA]: Uhum uh?

[J.D]: Veronica was just leaving.

(Dad takes back beer)

[J.D DAD]: Oh come on! Just having some fun! Huh? Sit! Sit!

[J.D DAD]: Work was a real pain in the ass today! Damn bitches were stopping me from
throwing down this 3 star hotel!

[J.D DAD]: So, are you going to invite your girlfriend to supper?

[J.D]: Uh I don’t think that’s such a good idea pop?

[J.D DAD]: Are you SERIOUS SON?!

[VERONICA]: Oh uh… I-I appreciate the offer but I can’t stay.. My mom is making me my
favorite meal tonight- uh spaghetti!.. with lots of Oregano!

[J.D]: Nice! Last time I saw MY mom she was waving at me out the window of a library in Texas.
Right dad?

[J.D DAD]: …..Right son

[VERONICA]: Okay… Well? See you tomorrow! Uhum…

[VERONICA]: Dear diary, J.D’s dad will not be speaking at our wedding!

(Scene changes phone ringing)

[VERONICA]: Hello?

[H. MCNAMARA]: Veronica? I need help, I'm at the cemetary!

[VERONICA]: What’s wrong?

[H. MCNAMARA]: Just hurry up please! It’s an emergency!

[VERONICA]: Oh okay?

(Scene changes)

[VERONICA]: Hey, hi.. is uh Kurt okay?

[H. MCNAMARA]: Oh he passed out. Me, Kurt, Ram, and Heather Duke came out to perform
thunderbird on Heather's grave, ya know? From her homies?
[H. MCNAMARA]: But than Kurt and Ram started to miss Heather and started grabbing me and
wouldn’t stop…

[VERONICA]: Wait after everything that happened at Rams party why did you call me?

[H. MCNAMARA]: Oh that was the deal! If I got you to come they promised to leave me alone!

[VERONICA]: *Scoffs* So.. so you avoided date rape.. by volunteering ME for date rape?

[H. MCNAMARA]: What? You make it sound ugly!

[VERONICA]: I’m leaving now!

(Kurt and Ram walks up drunk)

[KURT]: HEYYYYY Veronica!!

(Heather D runs to the car)

[H. DUKE]: God dammit Ram! I SAID I'M DONE!

[RAM]: COME ON HEATHER DONT WALK AWAY!

[H. DUKE]: Sober up idiot! Heather unlock the door!

[RAM]: YOU CANT LEAVE ME LIKE THIS. You're causing me physical pain!! It’s science! I
need relief!

(Kurt points to Veronica)

[RAM]: HeyyyYyyYyy Veronica

(Scene change)

[VERONICA]: Dear diary, nothing happened last night. But the only person in Westerburg who
could actually control Kurt and Ram was Heather Chandler. And she is dead.

[H. CHANDLER]: Should have thought of that before you killed me. *chokes on drained fluid*
God! IM GOING TO BE COUGHING UP DRAIN FLUID FOR ETERNITY!

[VERONICA]: Umm.. I didn’t technically kill Heather, I know that. But I still feel bad. But not as
bad as I should?? And THAT makes me feel even worse.

(Scene change)
[VERONICA]: Oh hey guys! Still looking forward to that apology from both of you for being ice
cold BITCHES last night.

[H. DUKE]: Um? We’re cleaning out Heathers locker! A little respect?

[H. CHANDLER]: Heather Duke is such a sad little poser! VERONICA TELL HER TO STOP
TOUCHING MY STUFF!

[VERONICA]: SHUT UP HEATHER

[H. DUKE]: YOU SHUT UP! I don't have to shut anymore!!!

[HEATHER M]: Hey! That's Heather's scrunchie!

[H. DUKE]:
Ha ha ha ha ha!
Not anymore
Heather choked
Bought the farm
She could not hack it
Now we need a strong arm
To run this racket
Heather's out
Who will rise?
Gotta fill that vacuum
It's my turn
It's my prize
I spit lightning
Crack, boom!
I bit my tongue so long
I learned to count to ten
My silence made me strong
I did my time and then
A house dropped on her head
The witch is dead! Ding dong!
Move bitch, this my song!
I will never shut up again
I will never shut up again
Brand new day watching dreams come true
Well for me, not you
Cause I'll never shut up again
Girls like me don't climb high
Can't crack that ceiling
But now I scrape the sky
It's you who's kneeling
Heather's pet, you're old news
Look at you, you're busted
You think you'll fill her shoes
Too late I just did
Now I don't mean to brag
Once I was one of you
But now I am the flag
You pledge allegiance to
I am the dream you chase
I'm your amazing grace
Yo, party's at my place!
I will never shut up again
I will never shut up again
Brand new day
Now we're finally free
Free to worship me
'Cause I'll never shut up
Shut up!
Don't judge me
Little Miss innocence
Your hands ain't clean
I've seen your fingerprints
You act so uptight
So virgin white
But I heard from the boys
What you were up to last night
Veronica's my wet dream
Veronica likes to scream
Veronica took one for the team
She took two for the team
That girl was on her back
That girl was big fun, big fun
We smoked her crack
That crack was big fun
And that's when things went South
We had a swordfight in her mouth
Dang diggity dang-a-dang
Freak!
Dang diggity dang-a-dang
Slut!
Dang diggity dang-a-dang
Swordfight in her mouth!
I will never shut up again
I will never shut up again
I'm on fire and you're my fuel
You should find a new school
'Cause I'll never shut up again
All hail the queen
I wear the red
The scrunchie's on my head
You can't run
You can't hide
I am a crimson tide
Better mind what you do
Big sister's watching you
Can I get an amen?
'Cause I will never shut up again
Hah!!

[H. DUKE]: Heather Chandler is gone! I need to replace her!

[VERONICA]: Replace Heather Chandler?

[H. CHANDLER]: Please!

[H. DUKE]: Maybe you should worry less about me and worry about your reputation! Kurt and
Ram are going around the whole school talking about your “three way” last night.

(JD enters the scene)

[J.D]: Three way?!

[VERONICA]: No! There was no three way! Nothing happened!

(Kurt and Ram run onto stage followed by students)

[RAM]: I seem to remember differently!

[J.D]: You're an asshole!!

(J.D throws a punch at Ram and fight breaks out)

(JD loses and everybody leaves)

[VERONICA]: Oh my god! Are you okay?

[J.D]: You’re crying are you okay?

[VERONICA]: No I’m totally fine! I just can’t handle those jerks anymore!

(Our love is god starts)

[J.D.]:
They made you cry,
but that will end tonight.
You are the only thing that's right
about this broken world.
Go on and cry,
but when the morning comes,
we'll burn it down and then
we'll build the world again...
Our love is God.

[VERONICA]:
Are you okay?

[J.D.]:
I was alone.
I was a frozen lake,
but then you melted me awake;
See, now I'm crying too.
You're not alone.

[VERONICA]:
You're not alone...

[J.D.]:
And when the morning comes,

[VERONICA]:
When the morning comes...

[J.D.]:
We'll burn away that tear,
and raise our city here...

[VERONICA]:
Raise our city here...

[J.D. & VERONICA]:

Our love is God.

(Veronica's house. J.D. watches as Veronica calls Kurt and Ram on the phone.)

[KURT]:
Yeah-lo?

[VERONICA]:
Hi, Kurt, it's Veronica... how did you guys know it was a fantasy of mine to have two guys at
once?

[KURT]:
Wowuhh... lucky guess?

[VERONICA]:
If you want it to come true, meet me at the cemetery. At dawn.

(Veronica hangs up)

[KURT]:
This is a dream come true!

[RAM]:
And we don't even have to buy a pizza!

(They punch the phone in and exit)

[J.D.]:
We can start and finish wars,

[J.D. & VERONICA]:

We're what killed the dinosaurs.
We're the asteroid that's overdue.
The dinosaurs choked on the dust,
they died because God said they must.
The new world needed room
for me and you.

[J.D.]:
I worship you.
I'd trade my life for yours.
They all will disappear,
we'll plant our garden here:
Our love is God.
[J.D. & VERONICA]:
[Variously, repeats)
Our love is God.

(J.D. opens up a box and pulls out two pistols. Veronica stares in horrified fascination)

[VERONICA]:
Whoa. Is that real?

[J.D.]:
Yeah, but we're filling it with "Ich Luge" bullets.

[VERONICA]:
Ich Luge...? What?

[J.D. ]:
My grandad scored them in World War II. They contain a powerful tranquilizer. The Nazis used
them to fake their own suicides when the Russians invaded Berlin. We will use them to knock
out Ram and Kurt long enough to make it look like a suicide pact. Complete with a forged
suicide note.

(Lights up on Kurt and Ram embracing)

[KURT & RAM]:

"Ram and I died because we had to hide our gay forbidden love from a disapproving world."

[J.D.]:
And when the morning comes,
they'll both be laughing stocks...

[J.D. & VERONICA]:

So let's go hunt some jocks!

(Cemetery at dawn. Kurt and Ram wait for Veronica)

[KURT]:
Hi... Veronica.

[RAM]:
Uh... So do we just whip it out or what?

[VERONICA]:
Take it slow, Ram. Strip for me.
[KURT]:
What about you?

[VERONICA]:
I was hoping you'd rip my clothes off me, sport. Count of three.

(KURT and RAM stand awkwardly in their underpants. RAM giggles in anticipation)

[VERONICA]:
One... two...

[J.D. ]:
Three.

(J.D. steps out and shoots Ram. Veronica fires at Kurt, missing him. Kurt runs)

[KURT]:
Aaaugh! Holy crap!

[J.D.]:
Stay there. I'll get him!

(Veronica, suddenly worried, kicks Ram with her foot)

[VERONICA]:
Ram? You're just unconscious, right?
Ram? Ram!

(J.D. chases Kurt, who tries to escape by scaling a chain-link fence)

[J.D.];
Ger off the fence! Get off the damn fence!

[KURT]:
I don't understand!

[J.D.]:
We can start and finish wars.
We're what killed the dinosaurs.
We're the asteroid that's overdue.

[KURT]:
Stop being a dick!
[J.D.]:
The dinosaurs will turn to dust.

[KURT]:
What does that mean?!

[J.D.]:
They'll die because we say they must.

(J.D. fires; Kurt dies. Veronica runs up)

[VERONICA]:
What the fuck have you done?!

[J.D.]:
... I worship you.
I'd trade my life for yours.
We'll make them disappear.
We'll plant our garden here.

(J.D. holds out his hand)

[J.D.]:
Our love is God.

(Repeats. J.D. holds Veronica in his arms as she sobs in shock and horror)

[VERONICA]:
Our love is God...

[J.D.]:
Our love is God.

[VERONICA]:
Our love is God...

[J.D. AND VERONICA]:

Our love is God!...

(New scene)

[VERONICA]: Dear diary

I’m going steady
Mostly he’s awesome
this is a bit too rock and roll
Three of my classmates
God have mercy on my soul
We were just seventeen
They still had room to grow
They could have turned out well
But now we’ll never know

(JD enters)

[J.D.]: There’s been a lack of girls climbing through my bedroom window lately

[VERONICA]: What the hell J.D

[J.D.]: You’re mad, I get it

[VERONICA]: No, I don’t think you do get it. Ich Luge bullets?! You LIED to me.

[J.D.]: You were lying to yourself! You wanted them dead too!!

[VERONICA]: Did not!

[J.D.]: Did too!

[VERONICA]: Did not!

[J.D.]: Did too!

[VERONICA]: DID NOT

[J.D.]: HEY! Did they make you cry?

[VERONICA]: Yes?!

[J.D.]: Do they make you cry now?

[VERONICA]: No! But you can!

[J.D.]: Just wait till you see the good that comes from this!

[VERONICA]: No good could POSSIBLY come from this!

[J.D.]: Call me an optimist!

[VERONICA]: Dear diary, my teenage BULLSHIT has a body count!

(Scene changes to funeral)

[KURTS DAD]: I don’t really know what I’m supposed to say up here. I’m ashamed, certainly. My
family has turned our town into a laughing stock. My boy Kurt isn’t who I thought he was and
when I think of the SICK, disgusting things that Kurt and Ram were doing-

[RAM'S DAD]:
You wait just a minute, Paul! It is ignorant, hateful talk like yours that makes this world a place
our boys could not live in!
They were not dirty!
They were not wrong!
They were two lonely verses
in the Lord's great song!

[KURTS DAD]:
Our boys were pansies, Bill!

[RAM'S DAD]:
Yes! My boy's a homosexual,
and that don't scare me none --
I want the world to know...
I love my dead gay son!
I've been thinking. Praying. Reading some magazines. And it's time we opened our eyes.
Well, the good Lord made
the universe
The Lord created man.
And I believe it's all a part of his
gigantic plan.
I know God has a reason
for each mountain and each flower,
and why he chose to let our boys
get busy in the shower!
They were not dirty --
They were not fruits!
They were just two stray laces
in the Lord's big boots.
Well, I never cared for homos much
until I reared me one,
but now I've learned to love...
I love my dead gay son!
[CONGREGATION]:
He loves his son,
he loves his son!
His dead gay son!

[RAM'S DAD]:
Now, I say my boy's in heaven
and he's tanning by the pool.
The cherubim walk him and him,
and Jesus says it's cool!!
They don't have crime or hatred,
there's no bigotry or cursin' --
Just friendly fellows dressed up
like their fav'rite village person!
They were not dirty --
They just had flair!
They were two bright red ribbons
in the Lord's long hair.
Well, I used to see a homo
and go reachin' for my gun,
but now I've learned to love...
And furthermore! --
(to Kurt's dad)
These boys were brave as hell!
These boys, they knew damn well!
Those folks would judge 'em,
they were desperate to be free!
They took a rebel stance,
stripped to their underpants!
Paul, I can't believe that you
still refuse to get a clue,
after all that we been through --
I'm talking you and me!

In the summer of '83.

(Congregation gasps)

[KURTS DAD]:
That.... was one hell of a fishing trip.

(A long beat. Kurt's dad approaches Ram's dad and kisses him, hard. They embrace.)

[CONGREGATION]:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
They were not dirty - Whoa!
And not perverse -- No no!
They were two stray rhinestones
on the Lord's big purse!

[BOTH DADS]:
Our jobs are now continuing
that work that they begun!

[CONGREGATION]:
'Cause now we love, love, love!
We love your dead --

[CONGREGATION]:
They're up there disco dancing
to the thump of angel wings!
They grab a mate and roller skate
while Judy Garland sings!
They live a playful afterlife that's
fancy-free and reckless!

[KURTS DAD]:
They swing upon the pearly gates --

[BOTH DADS & CONGREGATION]:

And wear a pearly necklace!
Whoo!
They were not dirty!
They were good men!
And now they're happy bear cubs
in the Lord's big den!

[BOTH DADS]:
Go forth and love each other now,
like our boys would have done.

[EVERYONE]:
We'll teach the world to love...

[BOTH DADS]:
I love my dead gay son!
My son! My son!
[CONGREGATION]:
Not half bad, your dead gay son!
Wish I had your dead gay son!
Thank you, dad, for your...

[BOTH DADS & CONGREGATION]:

Dead gay son!

(Can’t we be seventeen start’s)

(Scene change)

(J.D. and Veronica stand there confused)

[J.D.]: What is that? That smell in the air? Is that- tolerance? Confusion! Love! How often can
you say it’s a good day to live in Sherwood Ohio!!? You’re welcome town!

[VERONICA]: Hey! You don’t have to be so smug about it.

[J.D.]: My bad love.

(They kiss and Veronica turns away in disgust)

[J.D.]: Who’s next? Heather Duke? She’s the one that started that three way rumor. I’ve been
underlining meaningful passages in a copy of Mobey Dick, if you know what I mean!

[VERONICA]: NO! No, I do NOT accept this. We have already killed three people. This ends
right here, right now!

[J.D.]: Or WHAT?!

[VERONICA]:…I- I’ll break up with you…

[J.D.]: Just because it’s hard doesn’t mean it’s not worth fighting! What?! You would rather go to
JAIL?! And give a free pass to the thugs that hurt people? EVIL FUCKS THAT MAKE LIFE SO
UNBEARABLE YOU CANT STAND TO LIVE IN THE WORLD ANYMORE!

[VERONICA]: J.D.! Tell me how your mother died…

[J.D.]: You really wanna know?

[VERONICA]: Yeah!
[J.D.]: My DAD said it was an accident. But she knew what she was doing. She walked into that
building TWO MINUTES before dad blew it up. She waved at me out the window. And then-
kaboom!

[VERONICA]: I’m really sorry I-

[J.D.]: It’s okay! The pain gives me clarity! You and I are special, we have a lot of work to do!

[VERONICA]: What WORK?!

[J.D.]: Making the world a decent place to for people who are decent!

[VERONICA]: WHEN DOES IT END?!

[J.D.]: WHEN EVERY ASSHOLE IS DEAD

(Veronica pushes J.D.)

[VERONICA]:
Fine, we're damaged
Really damaged.
But that does not make us wise.
We're not special.
We're not different.
We don't choose who lives or dies
Lets be normal. See bad movies
Sneak a beer and watch tv.
We'll bake brownies,
or go bowling --
Don't you want a life with me?
Can't we be seventeen?
That's all I want to do
If you could let me in.
I could be good with you.
People hurt us

[J.D.]:
Or they vanish...

[VERONICA]:
And you're right that really blows.
But we let go...

[J.D.]:
Take a deep breath...

[VERONICA]:
Then go buy some summer clothes
We'll go camping...

[J.D.]:
Play some poker...

[VERONICA]:
And we'll eat some chili fries.
Maybe prom night...

[J.D.]:
Maybe dancing...

[VERONICA]:
Don't stop looking in my eyes...

[J.D.]:
Your eyes...

[VERONICA & J.D.]:

Can't we be seventeen?
Is that so hard to do?
If you could let me in.
I could be good with you.
Let us be seventeen,
If we've still got the right.

[VERONICA]:
So whats it gonna be?
I wanna be with you --

[J.D.]:
I wanna be with you...

[VERONICA]:
Wanna be with you,

[VERONICA & J.D.]:

Tonight!

(The two kiss)

[VERONICA]:
Yeah we're damaged.

[J.D.]:
Badly damaged.

[VERONICA & J.D.]:

But your loves too good to lose.

[VERONICA]:
Hold me tighter...

[J.D.]:
Even closer...

[VERONICA]:
I'll stay if I'm what you choose.

[J.D.]:
Can't we be seventeen?

[VERONICA]:
If I am what you choose...

[J.D.]:
If we've still got the right...

[VERONICA]:
'Cause you're the one I choose.

[J.D.]:
You're the one I choose.

[VERONICA & J.D.]:

You're the one I choose.

(Two kiss)

(Scene change)

[H. CHANDLER]: And they lived happily ever after! You really believe that? You think it all goes
back to normal?? *scoffs* don’t give me that wounded look! You know exactly what he is and
you love it!
[VERONICA]: Stop talking!

[H. CHANDLER]: Only a true dead best friend would give it to you straight!

[MARTHA D.]: Veronica I need your help!

[VERONICA]: Sure, what?

[MARTHA D.]: Something doesn’t add up! I think Ram and Kurt were murdered!

[H. CHANDLER]: WELL FUCK ME GENTLY WITH A CHAINSAW. Nancy Drew is on to you
Veronica!

[VERONICA]:…Why would you say that??? There was a suicide note.

[MARTHA D.]: Well it could have been faked! You forge stuff all the time, right?!

[VERONICA]: Right.

[H. CHANDLER]: I am in LOVE with this fat girl!

[VERONICA]: That’s ridiculous, who would want to kill Ram and Kurt?!

[MARTHA D.]: I’m thinking it was your friend J.D.! You saw how he went after them in the
lunchroom!

[RAM]: Yeah man that sucked!

[MARTHA D.]: There’s something off about that J.D.!

[KURT]: Looks like Veronica is going to lady prison!

[MARTHA D.]: I want to look in J.D.’s locker! I was hoping maybe you could give me the
combination!

[H. CHANDLER]: I bet there are all KINDS OF INTERESTING THINGS IN THAT LOCKER!
*gasps* MAYBE SOME ICH LUGE BULLETS?!

[VERONICA]: This is a pretty WILD theory Martha!

[MARTHA D.]: I don’t care what they were saying at the funeral! Ram was not gay! I’d stake my
life on it!
[RAM]: HAHA oinker figured it out

[KURT AND RAM]: VERONICA IS IN TROUBLE HAHA

[VERONICA]: STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT!!

[MARTHA D.]: STOP WHAT?! Veronica what’s WRONG WITH YOU?!

[VERONICA]: Sorry! I’m really sorry- I’m trying to understand okay? Ram was a pain in the butt
why do you still want to help him?

[MARTHA D.]: He kissed me? Remember?! On the kickball field???

[VERONICA]: Yeah! In kindergarten!

[MARTHA D.]: My heart knows the truth!

[H. CHANDLER]: Time to choose Veronica! Eat! Or be eaten!!

[MARTHA D.]: Why would Ram write me that note if still didn’t still feel something!?

[H. CHANDLER]: You know what to say!

[MARTHA D.]: Why would he invite me to his homecoming party?! I’m going to confront J.D.!!

[VERONICA]: NO PLEASE DONT

[H. CHANDLER]: DO YOU HAVE THE GUTS?!

[VERONICA]: *breaks down into psychotic laughter* Oh you floor me Martha you really do!

[MARTHA D.]:… What do you mean?

[VERONICA]: Heh! Ram didn’t write that love note I did!

[MARTHA D.]:… hah no.

[VERONICA]: Yeah… The Heathers put me up to it the whole school was in on the joke. And
nobody laughed as hard as Ram! He didn’t LOVE you! He was a DICK!

[MARTHA D.]: And now he’s dead.

[VERONICA]: Move. On.

(Martha runs away crying)

[VERONICA]: Shit! No look I had to hurt her okay?! If J.D. caught her going through his stuff he
would-

[H. CHANDLER]: KILL HER?! *gasp* is THAT what you are afraid of?! I thought the deperato
hung up his six guns! Don’t you TRUST him?!

(All the characters from the school walk in)

[[Link]]: Veronica! There you are! Everyone needs to be in place for the assembly!

[VERONICA]: Oh right! This thing, right.

[[Link]]: Everybody in places now, come on!

[H. MCNAMARA]: I’m kind of looking forward to this!

[H. DUKE]: What?! Did you have a brain tumor for breakfast?!

[H. MCNAMARA]: Sorry Heather!

[[Link]]: HELLOOOO WESTERBURG!!! Welcome to this very special assembly! Now! I

want you to ignore the television cameras and the news crews! They are just here to document
this significant movement! Whether to kill yourself or not is one of the most important moments a
teenager can make. So! You know what I’m going to do right now?!

[HIPSTER DORK]: Kill yourself on stage?!

[[Link]]: Ehem. No. Now MY senior thesis at BERKELEY was on the subject of pediatric
psychology! It was TERRIFICALLY WELL regarded, so I speak with SOME authority when I tell
you that the way to eliminate suicide, is by first eliminating fear! By creating a safe zone in which
we all are EQUAL!

[MS. FLEMING]:
Deep inside of everyone
There's a hot ball of shame
Guilt, regret, anxiety,
Fears we dare not name.
But, if we show the ugly parts
That we hide away,
They turn out to be beautiful
By the light of day.
[MS. FLEMING]:
Why not,

[STUDENTS]:
Shine, shine, shine a light,

[MS. FLEMING]:
On your deepest fears!

[STUDENTS]:
Let in sunlight now.

[MS. FLEMING]:
And your pain will disappear!

[STUDENTS]:
Shine, shine, shine.

[MS. FLEMING]:
And your scars and your flaws,

[STUDENTS]:
Will look lovely because you shine!

[MS. FLEMING]:
You shine a light.

[STUDENTS]:
Shine, shine, shine a light.
Shine, shine, shine a light.

[PUNK GIRL]:
Everyday's a battlefield
When pride's on the line.

[PRETTY JOCK]:
I attack your weakness

[PUNK GIRL & JOCK]:

And pray you don't see mine.

[NERD BOY]:
But if i share my ugly parts,
[NERD BOY & GIRL & MS. FLEMING]:
And you show me yours.
Our love can knock our walls down
And unlock all our doors.

[MS. FLEMING & STUDENTS]:

Go on and,
Shine, shine, shine a light,

[MS. FLEMING]:
On your deepest fears!

[STUDENTS]:
Let in sunlight now.

[MS. FLEMING]:
And your pain will disappear!

[MS. FLEMING]:
Who wants to share what's in their heart?
No volunteers, fine, i'll start,
My name's Pauline.
I live alone.
My husband left,
My kids are grown.
In the 60's love was free,
That did not work out well for me.
The revolution came and went
Tried to change the world,
Barely made a dent.
I have struggled with despair.
I've joined a cult,
Chopped off my hair.
I chant, i prayed, but god's not there.
So Steve! I'm ending our affair!
And i faked it, every, single time.
Woo, it feels fan-freaking-tastic
1, 2 take me home kids!

[STUDENTS]:
Shine, shine, shine a light,

[MS. FLEMING]:
On your deepest fears!
[STUDENTS]:
Let in sunlight now.

[MS. FLEMING]:
And your pain will disappear!

[STUDENTS]:
Shine, shine, shine.

[MS. FLEMING]:
And your scars and your flaws,

[MS. FLEMING & STUDENTS]:

Will look lovely because you SHINE!
(Ahh, ahh, ahh)

[MS. FLEMING]:
You shine, you shine a liiiiiiiiiiiight.

[MS. FLEMING & STUDENTS]:

Shine, shine, shine a light.
Shine, shine, shine a light.
Shine, shine, shine a light.
Shine, shine, shine a light.
Shine, shine, shine a light.
Shine, shine, shine a light.
Shine, shine, shine a light.
Shine a light! YEAH!

(Scene change)

[MS. FLEMING]: OKAY KIDS, COME ON OUT. I WANT YOU TO SHARE YOUR FEELINGS! I
WANT YOU TO BRING IT OUT INTO THE LIGHT WHERE WE CAN ALL SEE IT!

[H. MCNAMARA]: I’ve thought about killing myself!

[H. DUKE]: What the HELL are you doing?!

[MS. FLEMING]: Keep talking Heather, you're in a safe place. It’s just you, me, and the
classmates who love you. Share! It’s going to be okay!

[H. DUKE]: Heather?! LETS GO.

[MS. FLEMING]: ZIP IT

[H. MCNAMARA]: The last guy I dated killed himself because he was gay for his linebacker. And
my best friend seemed to have it all together but now she’s gone too. Y’know? My stomach
hurts and every morning on the bus I hear my heart beat louder and louder, and faster and
faster. And I’m like Jesus! I’m on the fricken bus again because all my rides to school are dead!

[H. MCNAMARA]:
I float in a boat
In a raging black ocean
Low in the water
With no where to go
The tiniest lifeboat
With people I know
Cold, clammy, and crowded
The people smell desperate
We'll sink any minute
So someone must go
The tiniest lifeboat
With the people I know
Everyone's pushing!
Everyone's fighting!
Storms are approaching!
There's nowhere to hide!
If I say the wrong thing!
Or I wear the wrong outfit!
They'll throw me right over the side!
I'm hugging my knees
And the captain is pointing!
Well who made her captain?!
Still, the weakest must go
The tiniest lifeboat
Full of people I know
The tiniest lifeboat
Full of people I know

[H. DUKE]: WHAT'S YOUR DAMAGE HEATHER?! Are you saying Westerburg is not a nice
place?! WHERE'S YOUR SCHOOL SPIRIT?! You don’t DESERVE to wear our school colors!
WHY DON'T YOU HOP IN YOUR LITTLE LIFEBOAT AND GO GET A GNARLY WAVE OVER
TO REMINGTON!

[MS. FLEMING]: CALM DOWN HEATHER

[STONER CHICK]: AWE! Awe! Heathers got a hard life!!

[EVERYONE]: *laughs*

(Heather runs away)

[MS. FLEMING]: YOUNG LADY YOU ARE SUSPENDED! (Talking to Heather)

[MS. FLEMING]: Turn off the cameras!

[VERONICA]: Is that ALL you CARE ABOUT?! TV CAMERAS?!

[MS. FLEMING]: I CARE ABOUT SAVING LIFES! Heather Duke ruined a VALUABLE-

[VERONICA]: VALUABLE? NONE OF US WANTED THIS SPECTACLE TO BE VIEWED LIKE

WE ARE GUINEA PIGS AND PATRONIZED LIKE BUNNY RABBITS!

[MS. FLEMING]: I DON'T PATRONIZE BUNNY RABBITS!

[H. CHANDLER]: This is their big secret Veronica!!! The adults are powerless!

[VERONICA]: Heather TRUSTED you. You said you would protect her!

[H. CHANDLER]: They can’t help us! NOBODY CAN HELP US! We are alone in the ocean!

[VERONICA]: Than ALL OF YOU are IDIOTS

[J.D.]: You should sit down now!

[VERONICA]: NO! Heather was a monster just like Kurt and Ram! AND THEY DIDN'T KILL
THEMSELVES I KILLED THEM!

(Complete silence)

[VERONICA]:… What do you all think about that?

[EVERYONE]: *laughs*

[H. DUKE]: Some people will say ANYTHING if they think it will make them popular!

(Scene change)

[HEATHER MCNAMARA]:
Stupid child proof caps!
[HEATHER DUKE]:
Awe look, heather's going to,

[HEATHER DUKE & STUDENTS]:

Whine, whine, whine all night!

[HEATHER DUKE]:
You don't deserve to live!

[HEATHER DUKE & STUDENTS]:

Why not kill yourself!

[HEATHER DUKE]:
Here have a sedative.

[HEATHER DUKE & STUDENTS]:

Whine, whine, whine!

[HEATHER DUKE]:
Like there's no Santa Clause (ooh, ooh)

[HEATHER DUKE & STUDENTS]:

You're pathetic because you whine!

[HEATHER DUKE]:
You whine all night!

[HEATHER DUKE]:
(Whine) Your ass is off the team.
(Whine) Go on and bitch and moan.
(Whine) You don't deserve to dream
(Whine) You're gonna die alone

[HEATHER DUKE & STUDENTS]:

Die alone, die alone,
Die alone, die alone.

(Everybody leaves and Veronica runs on stage)

[VERONICA]: NO! NO! NO! STOP!

[H. MCNAMARA]: *Spits out pills and cries*

 [VERONICA]: You’re giving your LIFE away to be a statistic in USA data?! That’s the worst way
I can think of!

[H. MCNAMARA]: But what do I do if everything hurts?

[VERONICA]: If everyone jumped off a bridge young lady, would you?!

[H. MCNAMARA]: Uhuh *nods*

[VERONICA]: If you were happy every single day of your life then you wouldn’t be human!…
You would be a game show host.

[H. MCNAMARA]: Thanks for coming after me…

[VERONICA]: You're welcome!

(Two of them hug)

(Scene change)

[J.D.]: You are GENIUS! You had ME WORRIED with your little confession there! But you pulled
it off! Best way to hide, right in plain sight!

[VERONICA]: No! I WASN'T trying to hide!

[J.D.]: …Why did you have to meddle with McNamara!? ONE MORE HEATHER DEAD is a
GOOD THING!

[VERONICA]: But she’s my FRIEND!

[J.D.]: Okay?! If she’s your friend why are we letting DUKE live!!? The bitch that made
McNamara want to KILL herself! SEE. NOTHING EVER CHANGES!

[VERONICA]: IT'S NOT OUR JOB TO KILL PEOPLE, OKAY?!

[J.D.]: OH! SO WE ARE JUST GONNA LET DUKE RUN AROUND SPREADING LIES AND
HURTING PEOPLE?!

[VERONICA]: LISTEN! Listen! Listen. We’ll talk about this earlier, okay? You PROMISED ME!

[J.D.]: Okay I promise

[VERONICA]: Thank you.

(Two kiss)

[J.D. DAD]: Gee dad, ever heard of knocking! I’m in the room here with my girlfriend!

[J.D.]: You know the rules young man! When company is over the bedroom door stays open!

[J.D. DAD]: So the judge said to the groupies to stop their shit and die! You should have SEEN
the fireworks! Kahboom! Okay, goodbye!

(J.D.S dads leaves the room)

(J.D shoots a gun into the air)

[J.D. DAD]: Ah! GOD DAMMIT! NO FIREARMS IN THE HOUSE!

[J.D.]: *J.D. laughs*

[VERONICA]: Why are you carrying a GUN?!

[J.D.]: It pissed off my dad! It was funny!

[VERONICA]: NO IT'S NOT FUNNY. NONE of this is FUNNY. YOU'RE CARRYING A LOADED
WEAPON! You PROMISED ME!

[J.D.]: It’s a dangerous world!

[VERONICA]: Yeah because of you! You know what? Don’t call me. Don’t talk to me.

[J.D.]: VERONICA!

[VERONICA]: NO. You don’t understand the difference between RIGHT AND WRONG.

[J.D.]: COME ON! COME BACK!

[VERONICA]: I LOVED YOU

(J.D. stands down)

[VERONICA]: Glad you made the right choice.

(Scene change)

[STUDENTS]:
Woah--
[H. MCNAMARA]:
Tomorrow night's the pep rally!

[STUDENTS]:
Woah--

[H. MCNAMARA]:
Let's get psyched!

[STUDENTS]:
Hey yo, Westerburg
tell me what's that sound?
Here comes Westerburg
comin' to put you in the ground!
Go, go, Westerburg
give a great big yell...
Westerburg will knock you out
and send you straight to hell!

[J.D.]:
I now know thee, thou clear spirit.

[HEATHER DUKE]:
That's from Moby Dick.

[J.D.]:
I appreciate a well-read woman.

[HEATHER DUKE]:
What's in the envelope?
Oh crap.

[J.D.]:
Just a tangible reminder that at around
age six, I'm guessing, you and Martha
Dunnstock were friends.

[HEATHER DUKE]:
Where'd you get these pictures?
Did Veronica give them to you?
What do you want? Money?

[J.D.]:
A favor.

[HEATHER DUKE]:
No way.

[J.D.]:
Oh, I really love this one of you and
Martha in the bathtub together.

[HEATHER DUKE]:
These photos are ancient history.
Nobody cares about the past.
Nobody cares about Martha Dumptruck.

[MARTHA]: There was a boy I met in kindergarten

He was sweet, he said that I was smart
He was good at sports and people liked him
And at nap time once we shared a mat
I didn't sleep I sat and watched him breathing
Watched and dreamed for nearly half an hour
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Then he woke up
He pulled a scab off one time playing kick ball
Kissed me quick then pressed it in my hand
I took that scab and put it in a locket
All year long I wore it near my heart
He didn't care if I was thin or pretty
And he was mine until we hit first grade
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Then he woke up
Last night I dreamed a horse with wings
Flew down into my home room
On its back there he sat
And he held out his arm
So we sailed above the gym
Across the faculty parking lot
My kindergarten boyfriend and I
And a horse with wings
Now we're all grown up and we know better
Now we recognize the way things are
Certain boys are just for kindergarten
Certain girls are meant to be alone
But I believe any dream worth having
Is a dream that should not have to end
So I'll build a dream that I can live in
And this time I'm never waking up
And we'll soar above the trees
Over cars and croquet lawns
Past the church and the lake
And the try-county mall
We will fly through the dawn
To a new kindergarten
Where nap time is centuries long
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh

(Scene change)

[HEATHER DUKE]: Hey guys! Missed you after the eighth period!

[VERONICA]: We were avoiding you.

[H. MCNAMARA]: What you did to me sucked.

[HEATHER DUKE]: How very weary! Here! I need you both to sign this!

[VERONICA]: What IS that?

[HEATHER DUKE]: It’s a petition to have the governor clear a day of remembrance to honor the
victims of suicide!

[VERONICA]: I’m not signing that!

[HEATHER DUKE]: Veronica why are you pulling my dick?! It was your boyfriend's idea!

[VERONICA]: J.D.?!

[HEATHER DUKE]: He made the signature sheet and everything!

[VERONICA]: Hold on… What?? I don’t know what J.D. is up to but it’s not good. PLEASE just
throw that away.

[HEATHER DUKE]: Not a CHANCE! I’ll just fake your signature like I did Martha Dumtruck! She
was in no shape to sign anything today!
[VERONICA]: Why not?

[HEATHER DUKE]: It was on the radio!

[HEATHER DUKE]:
Martha Dumptruck took a belly flop off the Old Mill Bridge last night holding a suicide note.

[VERONICA]:
Oh my God. Is she dead—?

[HEATHER DUKE]:
Just some broken bones. Just another geek trying to imitate the popular people and failing
miserably.

[HEATHER CHANDLER, RAM AND KURT]:

Yo girl, keep it together
I knew you would come far
Now you’re truly a Heather
Smell how gangsta you are.

(lights up on Martha in a hospital bed)

[VERONICA]:
Martha, I’m so sorry?

[HEATHER CHANDLER, RAM AND KURT]:

Yo girl, feel a bit punchy?
She’s not looking so well
Still, you’ve earned that red scrunchie
Come join Heather in hell

(Lights change, Veronica runs into her Mom and Dad)

[VERONICA’S DAD]:
Where have you been?

[VERONICA’S MOM]:
We’ve been worried sick! Your friend JD stopped by. He told us everything?

[VERONICA]:
‘Everything’

[VERONICA’S DAD]:
Your depression? Your thoughts of suicide?
[VERONICA’S MOM]:
He even showed us your copy of Moby Dick.

[HEATHER CHANDLER]:
He’s got your handwriting down cold.

[VERONICA’S MOM]:
Please, honey. Talk to us!

[VERONICA]:
No, you wouldn’t understand!

[VERONICA’S MOM]:
Try me! I’ve experienced everything you’re going through right now.

[HEATHER CHANDLER, RAM AND KURT]:

Guess who’s right down the block?

[VERONICA’S MOM]:
You’re problems seem like life and death—

[HEATHER CHANDLER, RAM AND KURT:

Guess who’s climbing the stairs?

[VERONICA’S MOM]:
I promise, they’re not.

[HEATHER CHANDLER, RAM AND KURT]:

Guess who’s picking your lock?

[VERONICA]:
You don’t know what my world looks like!

[HEATHER CHANDLER, RAM AND KURT]:

Time’s up! Go say your prayers!

[VERONICA’S MOM]:
What did I say?!

(Veronica barricades herself in the closet)

[HEATHER CHANDLER, RAM AND KURT]:

Veronica’s running on, running on fumes now
Veronica’s totally fried
Veronica’s gotta be trippin’ on ‘schrooms now,
Thinking that she can hide
Veronica’s done for, there’s no doubt now,
Notify next of kin!
Veronica’s trying to keep him out now
Too late!
He got in!

[JD]:
(spoken) Knock! Knock! Sorry to come through the window. Dreadful etiquette, I know!

[VERONICA]: Get out of my house!

[J.D.]: Hiding in the closet?! Haha! Come on! Open the door.

[VERONICA]: Go away or my parents will call the police!

[J.D.]: All is forgiven baby! Come out and get dressed! You’re my date to the pep rally tonight!

[VERONICA]: What?! Why?!

[JD]:
Our classmates thought they were signing this petition. You gotta come out here and see what
they really signed!

[JD]:
You chucked me out like I was trash,
For that you should be dead—
But! But! But!
Then it hit me like a flash,
What if high school went away instead’
Those assholes are the key!
They’re keeping you away from me!
They made you blind, messed up your mind
But I can set you free!
You left me and I fell apart,
I punched the wall and cried—
Bam! Bam! Bam!
Then I found you changed my heart and set loose all that truthful shit inside!
And so I built a bomb
Tonight our school is Vietnam!
Let’s guarantee they’ll never see their senior prom!
I was meant to be yours!
We were meant to be one!
Don’t give up on me now!
Finish what we’ve begun!
I was meant to be yours!
So when the high school gym goes BOOM
with everyone inside—
Pchw! Pchw! Pchw!
In the rubble of their tomb
We’ll plant this note explaining why they died!

[JD AND STUDENTS]:

We, the students of Westerburg High, will die.
Our burnt bodies may finally get through to you.
Your society churns out slaves and blanks. No thanks. Signed the Students of Westerburg High
‘Goodbye.’

[JD]:
We’ll watch the smoke poor out the doors.
Bring marshmallows,
We’ll make s’mores!
We can smile and cuddle while the fire roars!
I was meant to be yours!
We were meant to be one!
I can’t make this alone!
Finish what we’ve begun!
I am all that you need!
You carved open my heart!
Can’t just leave me to bleed!
Veronica, open the—open the door, please’
Veronica, open the door.
Veronica, can we not fight anymore’
Please, can we not fight anymore’
Veronica, sure, you’re scared,
I’ve been there. I can set you free!
Veronica, don’t make me come in there!
I’m gonna count to three!
(spoken) One! Two! Fuck it!

(JD kicks open the closet door. Veronica dangles from an improvised bed sheet noose)

[JD]:
Oh my God! ‘No! ‘Veronica’!
Please don’t leave me alone’
You were all I could trust’
I can’t do this alone’

[JD AND STUDENTS]:

Still I will if I must!!!!

[VERONICA MOM]: Veronica? I made you a snack!! Veronica??

(She walks in to Veronica hanging there)

[VERONICA MOM]: *Screams*

[VERONICA]: AHHH NOOO! NOOO! IT'S JUST A JOKE IM SO SORRY!

[VERONICA MOM]: ITS. NOT. FUNNY!!!

[VERONICA]: Your right, your right. I’m sorry!

[VERONICA DAD]: What's going on up here?!

[VERONICA]: OH GOD! MOM, DAD, I'M SO SORRY!

[VERONICA DAD]: SORRY FOR WHAT?!

[VERONICA]: For being a horrible person.

[VERONICA MOM]: WHAT?! WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

[VERONICA]: OUT.

[VERONICA DAD]: When will you be back?!

[VERONICA]: That’s a good question!

(Scene change)

[VERONICA]:
I wanted someone strong who could protect me.
I let his anger fester and infect me.
His solution is a lie.
No one here deserves to die except for me and the monster I created.
Yeah!
Yeah!
Heads up, JD, I'm a dead girl walking!
[ALL BUT VERONICA]:
Hey yo Westerberg!

[VERONICA]:
Can't hide from me, I'm your dead girl walkin'!

[ALL BUT VERONICA]:

Hey yo Westerberg!

[VERONICA]:
And there's your final bell,
(school bell rings)
It's one more dance and then farewell,
Cheek to cheek in hell with a dead girl walkin'!

[HEATHER MCNAMARA]:
Come on, Westerberg!
Here we go, Here we go now!

[MS. FLEMING]:
Veronica! Jason Dean told us you've just committed suicide!

[VERONICA]:
Yeah, well, he's wrong about a lot of things.

[MS. FLEMING]:
I threw together a lovely tribute, especially considering the short notice.

[VERONICA]:
Ms. Fleming, what's under the gym?

[MS. FLEMING]:
The boiler room.

[VERONICA]:
That's it!

[MS. FLEMING]:
Veronica, what's going on?

[VERONICA]:
Got no time to talk
I'm a dead girl walkin'!
[STUDENTS]:
[chanted] Hey yo Westerberg!
Hey yo Westerberg!
Tell me what's that sound?
Here comes Westerberg
Comin' to put you in the ground!
Go go Westernberg!
Give a great big yell!
Westerberg will knock you out
And send you straight to hell!

(The boiler room. JD is planting a bomb. Veronica enters)

[VERONICA]:
Step away from the bomb.

[JD]: And here I thought you lost your taste for faking suicides!

[JD]:
This little thing? I'd hardly call this a bomb. This is just to set off the packs of thermals upstairs in
the gym. Those are bombs. People are going to look at the ashes of Westerberg and say there's
a school that self-destructed not because society didn't care, but because that school was
society. The only place Heathers and Marthas can truly get along is in Heaven!

[VERONICA]:
I wish your mom had been a little stronger.
I wish she stayed around a little longer.
I wish your dad were good!
I wish grown-ups understood!
I wish we met before they convinced you life is war!
I wish you would come with me—

[JD]:
I wish I had more TNT!

(Two start fighting for the gun)

[STUDENTS]:
Hey yo Westerberg!
Hey yo Westerberg!
Tell me what's that sound?
Here comes Westerberg
Comin' to put you in the ground!
Go go Westerberg!
Give a great big yell!
Westerberg will knock you out
And send you straight to -

[BANG!]

(They lock eyes. Someone just got shot.)

(J.D falls to the ground)

[JD]: Is that good for you? Cause that kinda sucks for me!

[VERONICA]: J.D? Just listen to me! Okay? Just listen to me!

[JD]: It’s over!

[VERONICA]: Which wire do I pull?! J.D. WHICH WIRE DO I PULL?!

(J.D. stops moving)

(Veronica runs and starts trying to undo the wires)

[VERONICA]:
Dear diary,
The irony of this is that I never got to write my own suicide note.

[JD]: Smart girl! Bring the triggering bomb out here to the football field and nobody dies! Except
you. You keep holding onto that thing.

[VERONICA]: I don’t deserve to live!

[JD]: I RESPECTFULLY disagree

[VERONICA]: Stay away from me!

[JD]: Or what???

[JD]:
I am damaged, far too damaged,
But you’re not beyond repair.
Stick around here,
Make things better
‘Cause you beat me fair and square
(JD takes the bomb from Veronica)
Please stand back now
‘Little further.
Don’t know what this thing will do.
Hope you’ll miss me.
Wish you’d kiss me
Then you’d know I worship you.
I’ll trade my life for yours.

[VERONICA]:
Oh my God—

[JD]:
And once I disappear,

[VERONICA]:
Wait, hold on—

[JD]:
Clean up the mess down here.

[VERONICA]:
Not this way!

[JD]:
Our love is God
Our love is God
Our love is God
Our love is God
Our love is God

[VERONICA]:
Say hi to God

(Explosion and blackout.)

(Lights up on Westerberg students and faculty drawn by the noise. Veronica enters, face
blackened, hair frazzled, jacket singed. Heather Duke and Heather McNamara rush up)

[HEATHER MCNAMARA]:
Where have you been’ People were saying you killed yourself.

[HEATHER DUKE]:
You look like hell.

[VERONICA]:
I just got back.

(She removes Heather Duke’s red scrunchie and ties it around her own hair)

[HEATHER DUKE]:
Hey! What are you doing?!

[VERONICA]:
Listen up kids, war is over, brand new sheriff's come to town
We are done with acting evil, we will lay our weapons down
We're all damaged, we're all frightened, we're all freaks but that's alright
We'll endure it, we'll survive it, Martha are you free tonight?

[VERONICA]: My date for the prep rally kind of blew… me off so.. I was wondering if you weren’t
doing anything tonight maybe we could run some Jiffy Pop video! Something with a happy
ending?

[MARTHA]: Are there any happy endings?

[VERONICA]:
I can't promise no more Heathers, high school may not ever end, still I miss you, I'd be honored,
if you'd let me be your friend

[MARTHA]:
My friend

[MARTHA AND VERONICA]:

We can be seventeen, we can learn how to chill, if no one loves me now, some day somebody
will
We can be seventeen, still time to make things right, one day we'll change the world, but let's
kick back tonight

[GIRLS]:
Let's go be seventeen, take off our clothes and dance

[BOYS]:
You know, you know, you know, we can be beautiful

[GIRLS]:
Act like we're all still kids, cause this may be our final chance
Always be seventeen, celebrate you and i, maybe we won't grow old

[EVERYONE]:
And maybe then we'll never die!!!
We'll make it beautiful x 2
Beautiful x9

(Scene change everybody takes a bow)