EAR?

Jr* * J
&Dum\>PM Ye faithful.?..

[./**
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YES! I'd like to receive 12 issues of MAD for only lousy key chain on one of my close enemies for $24!
$24, PLUS my FREE Alfred E. Neuman key chain! (And send a cheery gift announcement blaming me!)

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• p a y m e n t enclosed D B I I I me later (For additional enemies, please use a separate sheet of paper.)
Outside U.S. (including Canada) price is $30 (includes GST tax) Funds payable by Money Order iife
or Check drawn on a U.S.A. Bank. Please allow up to 8 weeks for delivery of first issue
^By "high-quality" we mean the best that can be produced for
ider a buck by jolly singing elves in a poverty-stricken, backward

>
Third World nation with no technical skills or standards.
1>
J> Fa Fa Fa
J>
L fa Fa Fa
 PULL M Y CHENEY
PY TOM CHENEY

y
4NUARY 2001

D E P A R T M E N T S

LETTERS AND TOMATOES DEPARTMENT:

Random Samplings of Reader Mail.

BYTE CHRISTMAS DEPARTMENT:

Technology Carols For the Holiday Season 6

MISSED MANNERS DEPARTMENT:

MAD's Parental Etiquette Guide
for Kids' Sporting Events 10
Atlanta
Fans 'Napster:
Cheer Defenders JOKE AND DAGGER DEPARTMENT:
John MCopyright \
' Rocker's Infringement Spy Vs. Spy 12
, Return Leonardo
- The . DiCaprio
Government Interviews
Sets New President Darva
Mexico {Clinton Conger: ANGSTER'S PARADISE DEPARTMENT:
Monday r Ablaze^ Who
Night 'Putting
a Square
Wants to Monroe &...The Fishing Trip 14
^Football Putting Marry a
I Hires a Square Peg in [Centerfold,
^Dennis Peg in the Oval/ Bimbo?)
i Miller the Oval Office
Office
THE MAD 20
eview of the
20 Dumbest
Firestone Tires-
Death By People, Events
Rubber
and Things
David Crosby: of the Yeai!
Sperm Whale
IN FULL COLOR!
PAGE 17
MORE
DRIBBLE DOWN TO YOUR NEWSSTAND NOW
ANDPloWWftOPY TODAY
YOU'LL HAVC A BALL!
 1996
Texas Governor Bush
Proposes Plan to Execute
Every Man, Woman and
Child in the State

1991
Secret Documents
MORE DEPARTMENTS
Found Revealing Gap
Clothing Sizes Based
SECTS EDUCATION DEPARTMENT:
on Measurements —
of Monkeys lO 11 12 13 A MAD Investigative Report:
1982
14 15 16 17 18 19 2 0 12-Year Old Doomsday Cults in America Today X.
RuPaul Denied
1948 21 2 2 2 3 2 4 2 5 2 6 17 Admittance Into
Largest Snowfall • ' Boy Scouts of
28 29 30 31 SERGE-IN GENERAL DEPARTMENT:
Ever Goes Unrecorded America
Because All Witnesses A AAAD Look at Christmas 36
Are Buried Alive
1986
Special "Director's Cut"
ofZapruder Film Debuts BERGS-EYE VIEW DEPARTMENT:
The Lighter Side of 39

MERRY XXXMAS DEPARTMENT:

Santa Claus, Porn Star 41

THE TRAITS OF WRATH DEPARTMENT:

Spot Your Parents! 43

ASSAIL TO THE CHIEF DEPARTMENT:

How Bill Clinton Will Stack Up
Against Other U.S. Presidents 44

GRIEVING LAS VEGAS DEPARTMENT:

AAAD's Celebrity Cause-of-Death
Betting Odds 48

MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT:

"Drawn Out Dramas". Various Places
by Sergio Aragones Around the Magazine

FRONT COVER ARTIST: JAMES BENNETT

BACK COVER ARTIST: SCOTT BRICHER
BACK COVER WRITER: ARIE KAPLAN

"A shepherd with

no Hock falls asleep
counting creditors!"
 -#*

TATS ALL, FOLKS!

THE PAN FROM DOWN UNDER
In issue #397, your artist, John
I just wanted to comment on a letter Caldwell, decorated two of the serial
that you received in issue #393. Sareen killers with tattoos on pages 16 and 17
Pearl said that "'N Sync actually have ("Legitimate Gripes of Your Average
STORM AFFRONT talent." I laugh at the thought. Reasons Serial Killer"). What's John got against
that crap like 5ive, 'N Sync and 98° etc. tattoos? Does tattoo equal killer? Hell
Your article on The Perfect Storm is crap: Their meaningless lyrics, their no! Lay off the stereotyping, Johnny!
("The Perfect Snore" MAD #398) caught computer refined voices, their computer
my eye. You're right, it was a perfect refined dancing and their general up R. Hamilton, Carrollton, TX
snore, but those were real men out there themselves attitude.
and they have real families, something Ham Sandwich — Your observations of
I'm sure you never think about. Those Caldwell are way off base. In fact, John's
Paul Silson, Queensland, Australia first wife Zelda worked for many years as
men died at sea and you make fun of
them? You should not ridicule and Big Paulie — Yeah, maybe, but you're the Tattooed Lady in the Tip Top Traveling
disgrace their families like that. from freakin' Australia! 'Nuff said! Carny and Freak Show. Theirs was a love
G'day, clod! —Ed. only a few have known. Tragically, Zelda's
Jesse Smith, Wheeling, WV career was cut short after she gave birth
MAD MUMBLINGS @[Link] to triplets (Zelda Jr., Zeke and Brad). As
Jesse James — You are absolutely dead on is frequently the case when a woman has
in your criticism. And it's with our sincere I am by no means advocating the narcotic a multiple birth, Zelda's resulting sags,
hope that the families of the late George stretch marks and drooping made many
intake of goldfish — Good3ick...Why do my
Clooney, Marky Mark and all the rest of the of her tattoos indecipherable, and she
B-list actors who went down with the boat legs taste like chicken? — Nasty...Help me!
I was sitting at my computer when my cocker was fired from the carny. Sadly, since it
accept our apologies and condolences at was the tattoos that first attracted
this, their time of grief. —Ed. spaniel Cleo exploded. Does anyone know how
to put her back together, or have blueprints Caldwell to Zelda, he quickly filed for
divorce. We are happy to report the
or something? — Solarblitz...No I am not a
triplets are doing well and all have
magic potato, but l a m a spectacular squash. followed in their mother's footsteps
— HOWmidrvng...Never stand less than 3.6 working the carny life as a bearded lady,
feet away from an angry goat! — GirlThang. a snake charmer and a geek, respectively.
Hey roo, thanks for writing! —Ed.

I was attending a
benefit in New York
City r e c e n t l y and
I ran into Uncle
Junior himself, actor
Dominic Chianese of
HBO's The Sopranos.
He was a great guy,
warm, gracious and
pleasant. I didn't turn
my back on him. Check
out Dominic's right
trigger finger. Along
with his thumb it's hold-
ing the magazine and Meanwhile, Max Zichetli of South
I'm glad it's not holding Oranse, NJ gets a three-year
a loaded gun! subscription for this double hit
of Sopranos cast members Steve
Dominic Chianese and Jeffrey Jay Van Zandt (Silvio) and Robert Her
Jeffrey Jay Edelman, Long Island, NY (Anthony Jr.), though to be honest,
Your photo is a hit! We happily put out a contract on your three-year we would have preferred a
subscription in memory of Big Pussy and Hyman Roth! Congrats, Jeff! photo of the lovely Meadow! Fa Fa! Iters mom fAaryBeth and Robert Her
 14 YEARS AGO
. IN MAD
In "The Intimidator LX 2000 Owner's
Manuel" (MAD #398), one of the driver
and passenger safety suggestions is to
B make sure that children ride in the rear
seat and wear a lap/shoulder belt. One William M. Gaines
of the children is clearly unbuckled and
pressing his bare butt against the window. founder
I'm a firm believer in mooning while Jenette Kahn
driving, but let's keep our story president & editor-in-chief
straight, people!
Paul Levitz
Jim Dewey, Claridon, OH executive vice president & publisher
Jungle Jim — Good eye! We didn't notice Nick Megiin & John Ficarra
the "crack" in the window. We promise to
editors
have it fixed before we reprint the article in
a future MAD XL, a Workman Page-A-Day
calendar, "The Best of 2000" book, The MAD Editorial:
World of Timothy Shamey Compendium, Charlie Kadau & Joe Raioia
MAD Color Classics and in the updated senior editors
Totally MAD CD Rom collection. Thanks for David Shayne associate editor
writing, butthead! —Ed.
Amy Vozeoias assistant editor
Dick DeBartoio creative consultant
Dorothy Crouch vp-licensed
publishing and associate publisher

Art Department-
MAD #260 January 1986 Sam Viviano art director
Nadina Simon associate art director
Leonard Brenner graphics consultant
STATEMENT OF OWNERSHIP, MANAGEMENT AND CIRCULATION Putnam Investment Management Inc., 1 Post Office Square, Boston, Maria Wyche production artist
1. Publication Title: MAD. 2. Publication No.: 324-520. MA 02109-2137*
3. Filing Date: Sept. 27,2000.4. Issue Frequency: Monthly. 5. Number of Issues R.E. Turner, c/o Turner Broadcasting System, Inc., One CNN Center,
Published Annually: 12. 6. Annual Subscription Price: $24.00. 7. Complete Atlanta, GA 30348 Circulation:
Mailing Address of Known Office of Publication: MAD Magazine, 1700 Broadway, Reliant Energy Inc., P.O. Box 4567, Houston, TX 77210 Tracy Bowen manager-newsstand sales
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Publisher, Editor, and Associate Publisher: Publisher Paul Levitz, MAD Vanguard Group, Inc., 100 Vanguard Blvd., Malvern, PA 19355* Alison Gill exec, director - manufacturing
Magazine, 1700 Broadway, New York, NY 10019-5905. Editor. Jenette Kahn, To the best knowledge of Time Warner Inc., as of June 30, 2000, Depository Lillian Laserson vp & general counsel.
MAD Magazine, 1700 Broadway, New York, NY 10019-5905. Associate Trust Co., P.O. Box 20, Bowling Green Station, New York, NY holds of record one
Publisher: Dorothy Crouch, MAD Magazine, 1700 Broadway, New York, NY percent or more of the debt securities of Time Wamer Inc.
10019-5905.10. Owner: E. C. Publications, Inc., wholly owned by Time Wamer "Believed to be held for the account of one or more security holders. Contributing Artists
13. Publication Title: MAD. 14. Issue Date for Circulation Data Below:
Inc., a publicly held corporation. Complete Mailing Address: 75 Rockefeller
September 2000. 15. Extent and Nature of Circulation: a. Total Number of
And Writers
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Copies {Net Press Run): Average No. Copies Each Issue During Preceding 12 the usual sang of idiots
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of the common stock of Time Wamer Inc. (as of 6/3072000) are as follows:
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Ownership will be printed in the January 2001 issue of this publication. d s€rat-flctioa are fictitious. A similarity without
Goldman Sachs Asset Management 32 Old Slip, New York, NY 10005*
jrpose to a living person is a coincidence.
Janus Capital Corporation, 100 Fillmore Street Denver, CO 80206-4928" 17.1 certify that all information furnished on this form is true and complete.
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New York, NY 10022*
 BYTE C H R I S T M A S D E P T .

Ifs that wonderful time of year againi You know, when you max out your credit cards and receive crappy gifts that you can
never ever use! But fear not! It's also the time of year when MAD takes beloved Christmas songs and basically destroys them
by taking away everything spiritual, warm and uplifting about them! So, warm up your vocal cords and sing out ioud these...

M f/ I S ! t
C/>5EE THE Cfl..__
; 11 /Sung to the tune of\
V "Deck the Halls" /
1 Sec the games the kidsare playing!
i* Fa la/a la (a•;?— lata la la!
VV \% I ? \ !l "Monster Ranchers*' hot for slaying!
Fa lata la la — la la la la!
„ mum Ogres raging for no reason!
Fa fa la -— la ta la-— la la la
Brighten-ing the Yuletide season!
Fa Id la la la f f Ucjaldla!

"Tenchu 2" is highly rated!

Fa la la la la — la la la la!
Blood and gore are animated!
ysm* Fa la la la la — la la la la!
What a boon to edu-cation!
Fa la la — la la la — la la la!
If you like assassi-nation!
Fa la la la la — la la la la!
m "Dragon Valor's" big on killing!
Fa la la la la — la la la la!
What a treat when guts are spilling!
Fa la la la la — la la la la!
D When their scaly limbs you sever —
VA Fa la la — la la la — la la la!
r Joy and gladness reign forever!
r: Fa la la la la — la la la la!
%x
C<
SN
« Hail Nintendo and PlayStation!
Fa la la la la — la la la la!
tf Let us praise decapi-tation!
W
i *\*X Fa la la la la — la la la la!
When dark warlords you are blasting -
4&
Fa la la — la la la — la la la!

mi -fc_r.
Peace on Earth is everlasting!
Fa la la la la — la la la la!

i-LL ARTIST: PETER KUPER WRITER: FRANK JACOBS

5*?^.1»
 PIMflND
_--—•.. • I I I I H E
UWe
^ ^o/B^hte h e m»;

just like those Wall c# ,

irfglvify stay
"ft
Ex trade each day
°<P< we're now*ped

NAPSTER'S HERE-

5unq to the tune

k" Santa Claus is Coming to lbwn">
When talking ihe c
To buy a CD; * ! ^ _
Just give a quick cUc
And get it for free
Napster's here —
start loading it d
Lf • w i/ /
Whatever you like,
From country to rock,
From Dylan to rap;
From Britney to Bach —
Napster'shere —-
startload-ingitdo
' •

The groups dre in a tiz:

Metalliea is pissed;
The record firms are shook up bad
'Cause in time they won't exist!

So writers may scream

And singers may roar
The ethics don't count
Ms long as you score —-
Napster's here ~—
start load-ing it down!
 ^flflRGH! THE BLASTED^,
^ CELL PHONES RIND / ^
/ Sung to the tune of \
V'Harld The Herald flngels SingM /

Adxgh! The blasted celt phones ri-^ng!

Peace and quiet shatter-ing;
Day and night they pierce the air-r,
Till the ring-ing we can't bear;
More and more we've come to hate them;
Wish we could dbtit-er-ate them
See those mourners gather-ing,
ftopirig they'll hear no cell phone ring;
\argh! We'll hear them rant and rave —
im's going off — inside the grave.
/largh! the wretched cell phones ri-ng!
Heedless drivers chatter-ing;
See that caller try to swer-ve,
Barrel-ihg around a curve;
Oops! M jag he just impacted;
Quess he got a bit distracted;
See him pray that he'll survive,
Crushed to a pulp and half alive;
He's the all-time jerk of jerks—
Hey, but good news, the phone still works!

OoB-0-|>O
(Sung to the tune of \
"Silver Bells" /
Pop-up ads there, by the scads there,
All the thousands you've seen —
You're online with the "Number One" server;
Tech support there, falling short there,
While you stare at the screen —
And from desktop to desktop you'll hear
Tried to log on...lines were busy;
A0-L...7\-0-l!
Once more you've wrecked my whole
Logging on-yay! Then you're gone-hey!rs
Once again without fail—
You've been bumped by the "Number One" seng>£Z
Or you're stuck there while some schmuck there ^
Hollers out, "You've got mail!"
7\nd you know that those sleaze bags don'fr
7\-0-L..7\-0-L!
It's pissed-off time in the country;
AO-l...n-0-U %
Please disconnect me today!
 J0>
* •

1O0VIRUS FRICHTcO
(Sung to the tune of \
"Sfenlt^ht 55
/
Vi-rus Fright —
Here at my site —
F$eL..the..jear,
Day...and...night;
Sneak attacks from thost
hackers re-viled;
Hard drives crippled and
systems de-filed;
Pray these lunatics cease

W* J/ffn
Pray these lunatics eeasel

°° M Y T n W U E L !il D f l YScO
, ONeBflY 1
•/
/Sung to the tune of
I "The Twelve Days
\ of Christmas"
On my twelfth day on eBay
my winning bid got me
Twelve MAD Mags sucking
Eleven bagpipes rotting
Ten golf clubs warping
Nine beer steins leaking
Eight slinkys rusting
Seven jock straps reeking
Six moose heads shredding
Five yo-yo strings
Four Star Trek mugs
Three pet rocks
Two Elvis lamps
and a street guide to Al...bany!
 MISSED MANNERS DEPT.

You hear about it every day. A soccer dad goes berserk and chokes a
soccer coach because he feels "his kid isn't getting enough playing
time." Meanwhile, a little league dad shoots a little league ump for
"a bad call at the plate." Escalating petty arguments, riots in the
stands, lawsuits and counter lawsuits. If any of this sounds like
s o m e t h i n g your folks are capable of, then be sure to show them...

D m i P r t H ^ f 3 ^ D"Ce" b a t t e r i e s are
frequently th

tool to get your point across to a game official.

10
 A considerate Saturday morning Pee Wee Soccer
parent always remembers to share with others his
cooler full of Gatorade and vodka.

/ OAMN.' OUR BEST HITTER

/ WET$ M$ PANTS $UfcrtNG INTO
$ECON& A N b 6ET5 5ENT HOME
i $ 0 I ' M OUT TWENTY SUCKS/

OKAY, "THAT'S TW6NTY-OHE

Always keep in mind that Little Leaguers are
FEET NINE 1NCHE$.... SORRY
to compete against their peers. Bet accordingly.
To BOTHER Y O U , PAL;

I T S OUR BOYS F I R S T
MULTIPLE STITCH INOUCII-JG
10 MINUTE MAJOR GA/AE MISCONDUCT/

Always remember, a knowledge of playing field

dimensions comes in handy when factoring in
restraining order distance limits.

ARTIST AND WRITER: JOHN CALDWELL 11

 JOKE A N D DAGGER DEPT.

12 ARTIST AND WRITER: PETER KUPER

 13
KUPPP
 ANCSTERS PARADISE DEPT.

Nothing can bind a

boy and his granddad
better than a weekend
away together. Then
again, maybe not! Hold
onto your rod for this
family outing!

NOW, LISTEN,
SPORT. ITS TIME"*
SOU CSROWEP UP
ANP START BEINS
A MAN. LORD KNOWS,
YOUR NO-GOOP
FATHER SURE AIN'T
TEACHINO SOU TO,
\M
&
PEE STANDING
K^f?Sw UP.

mm

<

HOTDAMN7 VERAL
THOUGHT SOUV NEVER ASK/ 'HOURS
I JUST HAPPENED TO BRING A LATER...
k A LONG SOME SKIN MAGAZINES•
FROM WHEN I WAS A BOY/

-*r
e«JOME-

14 wTftift
anas
piSHiNC TftiP
ARTIST: BILL WRAY WRITER: ANTHONY BARBIERI
 (SRANDPA'S <5RAN0PA'S
// FISHING PULE *1t FISHING PULE *2i RULEtt:
'yOU CAN'T EAT "HIM WHO BLOWS
ISN'T "GET PPUNK AND
NOW, START PRINCIPLES ANP 'EM UP, CLEANS ANPj
THIS KINP OF ALMOST BLOW YOUR
SCOOPIN'f FISH YOU AIN'T GOT/",
CHEATING? HERE'S A (5UTTIN'
COOKS 'EM.U. BEST FRIENP'S
HEAP OFF!'
KNIFE/
 I
KNICKS SJAA LUC LONGLEY
GON :iDENTIAi
!Y, TWO LESBIANS AND A BEAi OF SPERM / ROSEANNE PC„
XH!) / T H E RATS OF SURVIVOR I PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE PAT BUCH/
1STONE TIRES: DEATH BY RUBBER / DR. LAURA OPENS HER MOUTH /
CE GOUGING RETURNS / DIANA ROSS AND-THE FAUX-SUPPEMES FAILED REI
: "W / JOHN ROCKER RETURNS TO LNDING OVA!
3ENTIAL CA ' ;A'B JOHN MCCAIN / HARRY POTT JDTH
£NNiFE>* LOPEZ AND THE SMOKING G HILLA.
BITCH VS. THE PUNK) / DARVA CONGER: WHO W
• • , J . - [Link] BIMBO / TIME WARNER CA 'ULLS 1
: REGIS/} \N HEUSEN DEAL / E L 2000: PUT.
CYV >TICE / PRESIDENTIAL C"' BILL BRA
u .OPHOBIC EMINEM / THE RC ONVE.
'RIGHT INFRINGEMENT SY/CO E UG.
'TRAPTIONS OF CO WU I V -ON VS. GOLC ' FAM1
INARDO DICAPRH ...'ERVIEWS PRES DENT CLINTC ^RESID
NMENT SETS NEW MEXICO ABLALH IZE/A(
A(
LC DCMINATION / RAE CARRUTH: GRIDIRCN :
BOB JONES UNIVERSITY / BOBBY KNIGHT: SERIAL BUI
..DATE STEVE FORBES / BOY SCOUTS SCREW GAYS / BIG BROTHER: BIG YA
NIS MILLER: THE HOWARD COSELL OF THE NEW MILLENNIUM '
1ENT VS. MICROSOFT: NO
I- FOR / WEN HO LEE GOES TO JAIL / THE OLYMPICS NO ONE WATCHED / STE1 .._.
 I ELECTION 2000:
PUTTING A SQUARE PEG IN THE OVAL OFFICE
i Who would fjave thought ttisit George W. Bush speaking at Bob Jones University and AhGorei French kissing bis wife on natidnal TV
•[Link]^brm-ups for--the/h1storicalIy dumb things to come in Election 2000? As we go^ogpress, a full weejiafter electioaday, we
u^^lltLaVSr0~a freakin' clde as to who will be our next President. Here's what we do know: Gore1 won the popula^ vote and leads in the
pA electoral cbllege. Yetrt's Bush who's rented a U-Haul and is getting ready to move into the White-House. Betweejtlnaccurate network
p "projections," bafflipfg btftterfly ballots, endless recounts and ugly partisan bickering. Election 200*0 had all the gjsace and dignity of a
Mexican cockfight/ Unfortunately, one of these two weasels will take the Oath of Office on January 20\ Lefts hope >j^e do better in 2004/'

\
Albert Gore Jr., do solemnly swear
l . j that I will uphold the Constitution, that I will not resign
in total disgrace after secretly taping my cronies, that I will
not pardon the guy who did, that I will not preside over
the most depressing four years around, that I will not turn
trl^fFf^
senile and be led around like a monkey on a leash, that I
will not vomit on any foreign leaders, that I will not accept
I oral favors from an intern who's a C+ on her best day, and
that I will never again demand recount after recount until
I finally get the outcome I want, so help me, God.

Editor's Note: For the purpose of historical inaccuracy, some editions of this issue depict George W. Bush being
sworn in, while others show Al Gore. In the interest of bipartisanship, we urge all Americans to buy them both!
 ATLANTA FANS CHEER JOHN ROCKERS RETURN ARTIST: DREW FRIEDMAN
WRITER: ANTHONY BARBIERI

Every now and then we get nostalgic for a simpler time when racist
extremists had to hide behind white pointed hoods or bear the scorn
of decent people everywhere. Sadly, those days are long gone. Today.
John Rocker can give a hate-filled interview to Sports Illustrated
expressing his contempt for foreigners and homosexuals. And what's
this scumbag's comeuppance? After being suspended from baseball
for a few measly games, he returns to a standing ovation from fans
who are happy to overlook his racist remarks just because he can
still paint the outside corner with a slider. We wonder, would history
have been different if Hitler could throw a wicked changeup?

Q: Won't making music available for free adversely affect the

livelihoods of thousands of people involved in the music
Plunder
industry, and not just people who deserve it like Michael Bolton,
Pillage
Q: What is Napster? John Tesh, Yoko Ono and Bjbrk?
Infringe
A: Napster is the best way for college students A: Making songs downloadable for free will actually increase sales
with too much time and very little cash to of obscenely overpriced CDs. This way, everybody wins! (We're not
download music for free, leaving more money sure how, but that's our story and we're sticking to it!)
without the hassle or expense m for pizza, beer and illicit drugs while jamming
dctuaBy paying for any of ttiis music...
servers at universities nationwide with never- Q: What's the deal with Lars Ulrich of Nletallica?
Users are responsible for complying
with ail federal and state laws. •••-...;
ending downloads. Napster also eliminates the A: Good question! What is the deal with that Lars guy? What kind of
applicable to such content, including
iopyright iaws. We expect users wilt problem of trying to open those damn shrink- name is Lars, Anyway? Is he even American? Sounds like he's from
nonor this with the same diligence
that everyone honors the signs at wrapped CD cases when you're in a hurry to Belgium. We don't even know if the copyright laws apply there.
Klnko's advising customers not to
""'nes and books without hear your new music. Therefore, Lars may not even be entitled to the royalties we're
rsona! permission from
Q: What does Napster stand for? denying him!
j author, the publisher, the printer,
«...d. the lumberjack who cut down tt A: Napster stands for irresponsibly defrauding the Q: In the registration process for the Napster software, why do
tree to make the wood pulp from
:
which the [Link] was originally entire music industry, one song at a time. you ask questions such as name, address, blood type, annual
printed on was made.
All Napster web site design, text, Q: What do the letters in "Napster" stand for? income, and name of first-born child?
graphics, button icons, images, the.
• -nent thereof; A: National Association of Pirates Stealing Tunes A: This allows us to get a sense of the make-up of the Napster
hose fools in and Evading Royalties. community, but mainly it ensures that you'll also be named in any
the music jnuusuy w.,6 nave sided
with Napster, and all Napster software
Q: But isn't Napster available internationally? class action lawsuits brought against Napster in the future. We're
are Copyright © 1999-00 Napster Inc.
All rights reserved. For us. Sorry, no . A: Yes, but the cute little acronym doesn't work then. just covering our own asses here, folks.
rights left for anyone else.
 EMINEM: S8M FOR THE EARS
Imagine if it was scientifically possible for Andrew Dice Clay and Vanilla Ice (remember them?) to somehow bring forth
into the world a love child. What would it be like, this little bastard? What venom and hate and mediocre hip-hop would
spew forth from its ugly mug? How long would its vile act last before even the lowest dregs of our crass society rejected
it and found it even beneath them? Stay tuned. _—

I « - • " « Ana [Link] ^ ^

12

THE D.S. VS. MICROSOFT: NOBODY TO ROOT FOR

A little history: Back in the '80s, everyone hated the phone monopoly that was AT&T, so our do-good government broke
it up! Now everyone still hates AT&T, Sprint, MCI, Verizon, South Central Bell and 10-10-CIamSauce! Fast forward to the
new millennium: Everyone hates the software monopoly that is Microsoft, and here comes our do-good government
again to break it up! We're not sure how it'll all turn out, but you can bet your microchips that when egomaniacs Bill
Gates and Janet Reno get into a pissing contest, we're the ones who are going to get soaked!

Companies We Can Expect to See After the Microsoft Breakup

rappy Internet- 'verrated Windows Upgrade
ediocre Office
Software, Inc.
Browser Corp. peratlng
System
In?,
Bugs,
Every Two Years Industries
> • 9 lime-Wasting
Tips-of-the-Day

lO §,Oifi f amously
Fear-Instilling
Error" Message
Associates

20
 Not since Gilligan's Island has America been so inexplicably fascinated with a cute, loveable castaway and his
screwball companions. Let's see, we had Elian's Cuban family. Elian's Miami family, the INS, local and national
politicians, the news media and Gloria Estefan all claiming they knew what was best for the poor little muchacho.
Too bad for Elian their combined intelligence was about equal to that of Gilligan himself.

.,„.«

,*""

alii ge in Cuba and headed for

the tanning beaches of North Miami.

Two days later, a media circus began

unlike any other in recorded history.

An 0UT-0F-C0NTR0L NEWS MEDIA Presents

PERFECT POLITICAL STORM

FIDEL CASTRO MARISLEYSIS GONZALEZ JANET RENO DONATO DALRYMPLE LAZARO GONZALEZ
as the AGING DICTATOR WHO as the WEEPING COUSIN WHO as the ATTORNEY GENERAL WHO HADN'T as the "FISHERMAN" as the UNCLE WHO WANTED TO SHOW ELIAN WHAT
KNEW A GOOD P R OPPORTUNITY LOVED ELIAN...ALMOST AS MUCH ORDERED A RAID WITH THIS LITTLE WHO'D NEVER FISHED A BEING AN AMERICAN KID WAS LIKE, SO HE SPOILED
WHEN HE SAW ONE AS SHE LOVED THE TV CAMERAS CONTROVERSY SINCE WACO DAY IN HIS LIFE HIM ROTTEN WITH GIFTS FROM OTHER PEOPLE

ALGORE TRENTLOTT JUAN MIGUEL GONZALEZ

as the PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE WHO WOULD SAY as the HACK POLITICIAN WHO FOUGHT BITTERLY as the FATHER WHO COULDN'T WAIT TO GET HIS SON BACK HOME SO THAT
OR DO ANYTHING TO CAPTURE THE CUBAN REFUGEE VOTE, TO KEEP THE BOY IN THE UNITED STATES...UNTIL THE CUBAN AUTHORITIES WOULD STOP THREATENING TO KILL THE REST OF
EVEN LEARN A LITTLE SPANISH, "MY AMIGOS" HE SAW THE LATEST POLL RESULTS HIS FAMILY AS PUNISHMENT FOR FAILING TO BRING HIS SON HOME

And introducing ELIAN GONZALEZ as the LITTLE BOY DESTINED TO SPEND YEARS IN PSYCHOTHERAPY AS A RESULT OF THE STORM
WITH A CAST OF THOUSANDS OF ANTI-CASTRO DEMONSTRATORS WHO SEEMED TO HAVE NOTHING TO DO ALL DAY EXCEPT PARTY OUTSIDE ELIAN'S
 DARVA CONGER:
WHO WANTS TO MARRY A CENTERFOLD BIMBO
It went like this: seeking easy money and fame, a quiet little suburban nurse named Darva Conger decides to
appear on the sleaziest, most morally-reprehensible show since The 700 Club. FOX-TV'S Who Wants to Marry a
Multi-Millionaire. And she gets exactly what she wants: she wins. Then she discovers - surprise, surprise - that
overnight she's become a national punchline! So she makes the media rounds telling anyone who will listen that in
fact, she's just a quiet little suburban nurse who wants her anonymity and dignity back. And what better way to
accomplish this than by shoving her small (but perky!) breasts into the face of
mankind by appearing in Playboy?1.

AUGUST2000.v»v«.[Link]

«i have worked my
whole 111e to be a
CREDIBLE PERSON
of integrity-l a,
like it back."

«1 don't need anyone

else't MONEY. I just
want my We back."

«...l'm hoping that

public interest w.U
DIE IN shortly
and 1 will no longer
Sea public figure^
M W
* _ fABC [Link]
ABC [Link] Chat
February 24,2uuu

« I'm not going to 1o

ANYTHING that's going
AN
to dig myself e p
further m theLarry
hoi^King Live
March 8,2000

22
 BOBBY KNIGHT: SEBIAL BULLY
It seems like it'd be a simple rule: If a coach assaults a player, the coach gets fired. Yet, in May. when a video surfaced
of Bobby Knight putting a Latrell Sprewell-style chokehold on one of his Hoosiers, Indiana University "disciplined" him
by issuing a wrist-slapping "zero tolerance policy." The most amazing part of this story? That the hot-headed Knight
managed to last four whole months before he got caught again abusing a student and thatffidiana finally found the
nerve to toss him — j u s t like one of those cheap folding chairs Bobby himself used to toss across the gym floor.
Q O P ^ * ' " " Sung to the tune of
r A^m^mum Britney Spears'
f f jr+g****M Oops!...I Did It Again

Looks like he did it again —

He He snarled, "It just isn't fair!"
Got angry, went nuts! < "I gave it my all —
Did not count to ten... ^V^ Choking a stuuudent —
That's Bobby! 2> or throoow-ing a chair!"
Said he "Just grabbed his arm...^° I. U. s prez had his Fill
The kid wasn't hurt — Always fearing what's next —
so what was the harm?" and who would Knight kill!

All his raaaanting and raaaaving All his raaanting and raaaving
This was so pre-dict-a-bly him! The man is so ment-a-lly ill!
Ol' Bobby, Bobby That's loony Bobby!

Oops! He did it again! Oops! He did it again!

Uncivil!" "He's cut!" "Uncivil!" "He's cut"
They fired his butt! They fired his butt!
Bad Bobby, Bobby! —Bad Bobby, Bobby!
Oops! he lost all control, Oops! he lost all control,
acted like an a-ho-ho-hole... acted like an a-ho-ho-hole..
He's so bel-lig-erent! he's so bel-lig-erent!
 OPEC GAS PRICE GOUGING
We thought we had a deal. We send our troops to the Middle East and throw Saddam Hussein's ass out of Kuwait and
all the OPEC nations — except Iraq — keep the oil flowing to us fast and cheap. But nope, nope, nope! Have you been
to the pump lately, bunky? Try filling up that gas-guzzling SUV for less than 50 clams? Over a deuce for a measly
gallon of hi-test? Hey, Kuwait — next time Saddam and his goons drop by to rape and pillage your country, call France.

^vopm&t---
commercial
—-- m t h e _
mft>t>le e^H
THE RATS OF SURVIVOR
"A fat homosexual, a Navy SEAL and aflakyneurosurgeon with a nipple ring get marooned on a desert island..." It sounds
like the beginning of a bad joke - and that's exactly what it was. For 16 weeks, millions of viewers tuned in to see who would
survive and who would be voted off! Of course, we were under the impression that once a castaway got the boot, they'd
be saying goodbye forever. Wrong! Turns out, it was just the beginning! Quicker than you could say "Pagong" they were
selling us milk giving us medical advice and interviewing George Dubya on national freakin' TV! Sick fact, folks: Even B.B.,
who was voted off the island after 22 minutes, now has "people." Not only has the tribe spoken.. .they won't shut up!

ARTIST: RICHARD WILLIAMS

 NFL: NATIONAL FELONS LEAGOE
Murder, rape, kidnapping, wife-beating, burglary, drug possession, driving under the influence - with superstars like
Ray Lewis, Rae Carruth and Mark Chumura leading the pack, one in five NFLers has a criminal record (and that's not
counting all the Cincinnati Bengals, who collectively should be charged with the heinous crime of "Perennially
Sucking")! Go figure that a bunch of coddled, uneducated, steroid-popping goons who've been trained their whole
lives to smash, brutalize and destroy on the field can't stay out of trouble off it! Our guess is the league's next expan-
sion team will be in Leavenworth, ji

WHICH SPORTSCENTER DO YOU WATCH?

5 A M — 1 2 P M , 6 P M , 11 P M , 2 A M E T

INDICTED CAROLINA PANTHER RAE CARRUTH

STUCK WITH THE 6£»M SPORTSCENTER

STEPHEN ?:06 RMtt 2 Z

KING: a ,•& ** S»**-eh «•«©»©•

«l e* o£
Security Shop

THE HORROR 7 Ghastly Side Effects of Stc

OF E-BOOKS 1) King's "pay a dollar or I stop writing
The Plant' internet scam brings a hot
5) Every time you double click
your mouse, a big black guy
Over the years, Stephen King new concept to publishing: extortion. appears, screams "You done
has done everything in his hurt Mr. Jingles," grabs
power to send shivers and 2) Pretense of technological your nads, and gives you
tingles up our spines! And innovation allows King to charge a urinary tract infection.
this spring, he came up with $2.99 for what's basically an
anemic 69-page pamphlet. 6) Dead guy who ran over
his "scariest" idea yet: Stephen King comes back
Banging out another one of 3) Across the nation, computers from the grave, runs over King
his overwritten horror-by- are infected with a virus that again. Somehow you get
the-numbers tomes - this changes their passwords to charged for it.
time about a big, evil plant - "Dean Koontz Blows!"
7) After you finish reading, your
and releasing it in install- screen is suddenly possessed by
4) Success of the e-book paves way
ments over the internet. for "The Stephen King Web Cam a pasty-faced, angry, ripped-off
Then he made his big threat: Page." King writes short story on his loser apparition - oh, wait, that's
if we don't pay a buck a chap- ass, charges five bucks to moon you. your reflection.
ter under the honor system,
he won't finish the story! PowerBook KOOc
To which we say: You promise?

26 WRITER: RUSS COOPER

 THE GOVERNMENT SETS NEW MEXICO ABLAZE
When setting a "controlled forest fire." the key woFd to remember is "controlled." This obvious fact somehow
eluded the "experts" at the National Forest Service who managed to burn down 325 homes and turn thou-
sands of pristine woodland acres into a charred and smoldering disaster area. But maybe we'fe being too hard
on the boys at the Forest Service - after all, they did manage to^ incinerate every tree, bush and shrub that
they set out to (and a tad more). Or, to put it another way. "the operation was a success but the patient died."

OKI & $

ira
"m

wm

ONLY YOU CA
1
 MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL HIRES DENNIS MILLER
After being body-slammed in the previous season's Nielsen Ratings by the WWFs Monday Night Raw, ABC sports exec-
utives were obviously desperate to win back viewers. Since cloning Howard Cosell is still beyond medical technology, they
did the next best (or worst?) thing. They hired a brash, obnoxious, too-smart-for-his-own-good, egotistical, pompous,
esoteric and sports-dumb foil for the "Giffer" and "Dandy Don" wannabes, Al Michaels and Dan Fouts.
What scares us most.. .America just might be dumb enough to go for it. And that's "telling it like it is"!

Oh what a game today! What a Look at the crowd. Look at all the crazy dressed-up
game, I tell ya! I haven't seen this white people! You never see the brothers paint
many tight ends since my last trip themselves purple and wear cheese hats! Not big in da
to the proctologist! And the way 'hood, doncha know! But white people love that! White
the home team has been playing people loooove to watch [BLEEPJ-in'football! Why?
reminds me of sex with my wife: Black people jumpin' on other black people! Kickin' ass!
everything is either off-sides, Pattin' ass! But the real reason? Football is the only
out-of-bounds or sudden death! [BLEEP]-in' place...the only place...where a white man
Ooo, 1 tell ya. And the penalties, can pat a brother on the ass on national TV and not
this game is like my wedding start a [BLEEP]-'m' riot in Queens! Check this out...white
night: delay of game, excessive man even LOOK at a black man's ass in real life...ohhhh.
timeouts and too many men on make the Rodney King video look like a [BLEEPJ-in'
the field. Ohhh, I get no respect! episode of Mr. Roger's [BLEEP]-in' Neighborhood*.

Now, now. That Peter Hey, Paul, I'm on TV! I'm TV Boy! TV Sports Boy! Hooo hoooo!
a game we ve Triumph, you have Warrick, he's What a game! I've seen better formations on Marv Albert's
got going here, to admit that a promising head! Right, Paul! Hooo hoooo! The last time I saw that many
was a great play! big sweaty guys in a huddle was at Richard Simmon's house!
a real exciting rookie —
game... Yeah, Hooo hoooo! Flutie! Flutie! I just like saying Flutie! Fluuu-tie!
Yeah, great, very Hooo hoooo! HWaaa! Cab drivers! Now they're funny! Right, Paul?
...for me to impressive...for me promising...for Hooo hoooo! Eh, Paul? May I look at your pom-poms please!
poop on! to poop on! me to poop on! 1 gots da football fever! Eh, Paul? Paul? Hey, you're not Paul!

hate football. I mean, is it necessary? My Oh, look, there's a shot And the cup. Who's the Oh — there goes a penalty
private hell is football, with Hootie at halftime. of the mascot. Mascot — genius that came up with flag! Hey, what's the deal with
Kill me now. (looks at notebook) I'm fat. They now there's a job. You're
basically a giant puppet, that? Doesn't that seem a the penalty flag anyway? It's
have fullbacks, halfbacks, why not go all the
way? Have a fatback. (looks at notebook) My that's what you are. That tad., .insufficient? Every not really a flag — it's more
movies suck. This has nothing to do with foot- looks good on a resume, other part of the body gets like a penalty hanky, isn't it?
ball, but I'm just free-associating. Don't mind doesn't it? "1998-2000: a pad, thick, sturdy, rugged You ever notice when the spine
me. (flips through notebook, runs out of pages) large squirrel in a jersey." protection, but for their snaps, it compresses into the
I'm through. Don't hate me. Goodnight! There's a job with a future. boys...a cup. At least sternum? Who wants that?
28 a tiny helmet, please! I hate when that happens!
 S ™ ™ * »»™ BY ROBBEB
SSStaSS^media e Mt^ t S U r e t h ed e m
« ^9*Q to* htah "cTmVT diViSi n W h i c h
° " ^

"B" as well.

THE FIRESTONE TIRE RECALL.

DOES IT AFFECT YOUR
FORD MOTOR COMPANY VEHICLE?
As a demonstration of our ongoing commitment to customer safety and satisfaction, Firestone, after consulting with the
National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (and our panicked attorneys, who strongly advised us to at least appear to be
concerned), has announced a phased recall of Xplode-124, Xplode-126 and certain Insta-Shred® Tires.

We believe that these tires, when properly inflated and maintained, are among the
world's safest tires, especially on a stationary car. On a moving car your results will
vary widely. Most reported accidents related to these models have involved tires
operated in extremely warm climates — in cities and towns where the temperature
often zooms above 65 degrees and stays there for twenty-four hours or longer.
It must also be noted that tire failure most frequently occurs when vehicles are
operated at reckless, double digit speeds of 20 mph and higher. Nevertheless, we
are committed to taking whatever steps necessary to retain our customers' long-
standing confidence, in the sincere hope that they will retain our tires, if for no other
reason than it's a hassle to bring them back.
Only our round tires, such as the one
Which tires are affected? The round ones made of rubber are the most vulnerable- shown above, are involved in the recall.

Should I stop driving my car if I have these tires? No. Under most conditions, driving with these tires is no more
dangerous than driving down a winding mountain road at night, at high speed, with no headlights, while you're dead drunk.

What is Firestone doing to meet the increased demand for replacement tires? We've tripled production, working around
the clock to meet customer demand. Of course, cranking up production to such record-breaking speed requires us to forego
our usual quality controls, but taking such short cuts insures that you'll have replacement tires sooner. And they'll look great!

What should customers do while they're waiting to receive official

notification that their tires are being recalled? Travel by bus or a cab. Be
sure to check the tires before you ride and make sure we didn't make them!
If we did, take a different bus or cab, or walk.

Why is the number of reported incidents with these particular tires

so high? The number of reported tire failures only seems high. If you
compare our tires to tires made by unskilled labor using poor quality mate-
rials and outdated manufacturing tools, you'll find the failure rate of our tires
is only slightly higher.

Who should customers call with questions? Call our customer assis-
Look for #P-U-124. If your tire has tance line at 1-900-BLO-OUT. The line is open 24 hours a day, but some-
already exploded or fallen apart, check each one will be there to actually answer the phone between 10AM and 2PM
and every piece for the serial number. when our regular surcharge of $2.99 per minute is reduced to $2.89.

What is Firestone doing with the tires that are returned? In order to lessen any environmental impact, the returned tires will
be washed, relabeled as "new" and sold in third world countries where safety regulations are either not enforced or non-existent.

A final word: We are not aware of any manufacturing or design defect which may have caused our tires to suddenly
disintegrate while in use. Even so, when the treads of your tires suddenly, unexpectedly and for no apparent reason
start totally coming apart, we urge you to regard it as a "stern warning" that they need to be replaced. We took this
voluntary recall step because customer safety and satisfaction remain our number one concern, right after spin
control and covering our ass legally as much as we can.

ytrestoue/<
WRITER: DICK DEBARTOL0
 THE BOY THE OVERBLOWN, OVERHYPED
HARRY POTTER MEDIA FRENZY
For the last few years, kids (and really immature adults) have been
obsessed with Harry Potter books. But in 2000, the insanity
reached ridiculous new heights. Morons dressed as wizards
camped outside bookstores for days to be the first to buy J.K.
Rowling's latest 752-page tome. Harry Potter and the Goblet of
It is the long standing motto of the Boy Fire. Meanwhile, zealots on the religious right were busy trying
Scouts, and better advice has never been to ban the book, claiming that it would transform children
given: "Be prepared." Be prepared to fight into Satan-worshipping witches and warlocks. It seems to us that
all the way to the Supreme Court to all these unbelievable, surreal, phantasmagorical events had all
defend your right to exclude homosexuals. the makings of a Harry Potter book themselves.
And when the Court votes by a narrow
5-4 margin to protect your right to
discriminate, be prepared to lose state
funding. Be prepared to be forbidden to
use public schools and parks for your
homophobic troop meetings. And be
prepared to hear people snicker when you •%* Art**
recite that bogus law about being "helpful, V*
friendly, courteous" and "kind."

^^ ^ Tftffie

SPOTTING
MERIT BADGE

JUDGING
MERIT BADGE

OUTING
MERIT BADGE

ARTIST: JAMES WARHOLA

EXPELLING
MERIT BADGE
ARTIST: TIMOTHY SHAMEY WRITER: MICHAEL GALLAGHER
 WHAT CRISIS IS HERE WE GO WITH A SPECIAL EDITION
PUTTING A STRAIN AD2QFOL
ON OUR HEALTH Health care in this country has reached a new low point. Between
the lack of insurance coverage and HMO's not paying for procedures,
CARE SYSTEM people are starting to panic. And now, a new crisis has popped up that
is putting an additional strain on our failing health care system. To find
THIS YEAR? out what our 19th dumb thing of the year is, fold page in as shown.

II
SCOFFERS DENY A CRISIS EXISTS BUT EVERY PROMOTER
OF BETTER HEALTH CARE KNOWS THE TRUTH.
WILL ANYTHING BE DONE? OR WILL THERE BE SCAPE-
GOATS WHO'RE RIDICULED AS FEAR MONGERING LOUTS.

O ARTIST AND WR5TER: A t JAFFEE

 ARTIST: HERMANN MEJIA

till
 SECTS E D U C A T I O N DEPT.

Attention MAD Followers! To fully en-

hance your reading experience, our exalt-
ed and infallible leader instructs you to do
the following: 1) slip into a black shroud
2) throw on a pair of some comfy Nike
sneakers 3) mix up a fresh batch of Kool-
Aid! You are now prepared to take a
journey to a higher plane as you read...

"DOOMSDAY
COLTS
I N AMERICA TO-DAY

ARTIST: KEVIN POPE

 fTThis commune-based cult originally
X started as a Wednesday night bowling
league team, but things somehow got
"weird" along the way. Members of this
collective live in mud huts and believe
T his little-known cult was fou
Satchinanda, who shorte:
that all modern technology is the tool of Satchinandaberg. Members ,
the devil (for more information, visit their their heads bald, but are required to wear their hair i
website at [Link]). tnattractive comb-overs.
fT>he cult's leader, Rev. Ling Yazuka, is
X best known for presiding over "mass T h e group's main activity is phoning local authorities
divorces" in which thousands of his to take credit fnr> *•**-— - i e y couldn't possibly have
followers split up at the same time. The ;. According to <J.D. Powei
group's core belief is that the Four •2 in slavish devotion
Horsemen of the Apocalypse are Tinky ly electroshock treatment-'
Winky, Laa-Laa, Dipsy and Po.
34
 "GATECRASHER
Flibjib, Oregon

\ (a

&
,4s

f
~ I

s recently profiled on Dateline NBC, mem-

his cult believes that the ultimate sign of r s of this mystical cult have the amazing
the world will be "a whole lot of nuclear w t ^ u . ^ md spoons with their hands,
iched at the same time." Members profes the group attempted mass suicide
1 devotion to their charismatic founder, Gu wallowing handfuls of [Link]
idaloo Pona (formerly Bernie Rosenblatz). J vitamins — tragically, all survived. In
ir, after a tense standoff with the F ~^*wna XJFO cults that
^jers were jailed for illegally stonimiTir
pistols with the "boom" fl<
a message of tolerance anu uroonernood, but only on the Apocalypse'
Thursday — the rest of the week they encourage the
vicious, bloody overthrow of anything they don't like.

CHILDREN
of the
BRETHREN
of the
CHILDREN
Bozeman,
Montana
L^1
A
ocated on a S50-acre ranch in Montana's famous cult district, the Brethren recognize
VV Jallegiance only to their founder and goddess, Starr Xo, a former waitress at Hooter's.
o has impressed many gullible lost souls through her "miraculous" ability to heal flu U.
X symptoms with penicillin and bed rest. This group finds the ultimate truth in the
Where's Waldo? series, but what really sets "The Children" apart from other cults is then
conviction that, in 2006, "Immortal Space Brothers" will land on Earth and set up a new
professional hockey league.
35
S E R 6 E - I N GENERAL DEPT.

ARTIST AND WRITER: SERCIO ARACONES

^fe^6"'^*<?'

RlfPI
*&4&fi
38
 BERG S EYE VIEW D EPT
JUSTICE

COUNTERINTELLIGENCE
The hacker How*d he set No doubt about it — this is We'll
struck around the double one smart cookie! But we'll hire him
again! password lock? get him! And when we do... immediately!
6 = ^
7Aa m m
SHOPPING
Excuse me! I don't f We don't use that at the
see the "take a school store! We 30 by
number" dispenser! the honor system here!
SUPPORT CROUPS

41
 HE OFFICE
Unlike other companies, Right! We encourage ...Even at the risk
We pride ourselves on each of you to of losing your job!
giving our staff total speak the truth
freedom of speech! at all times...
1

^^-^S)

We used to tell Then we looked at his Datek Now we're keeping him
Bobby he could balance and realized he on the computer four
only be on the could make enough hours a day whether he
computer two money in the market to wants to or not!
hours a day! support the entire family!

m:
DOCTORS
I've finally figured Kaputnik, you're in perfect
out why I haven't health! The only thing wrong
been feeling well with you is your hypochondria
all these years! and superstitious beliefs!
 THE TRAITS OF WRATH DEPT.

t we continue with the

game that may seem real familiar to you
(mainly because we started it
in issue #390)1 Here's,..

TMs Issue...
WHEN YOU ASKED
Sure, there's a
Santa! And the Tooth IF SANTA CLAUS ARTIST: BOB STAAKE
Fairy leaves a
freakin' quarter under
WAS REAL WRITER: JEFF KRUSE

your pillow, too!

Is there a Santa?
That really
depends on your
definition of "is"!
'/ S-

% ) <•
Qs
Why are you
relying on a
dead, white
European aaaBsaaaaBasi
male to
bring you Santa is the most
happiness? wonderful person
on Earth, because Santa! Ha! don't
he symbolizes make me laugh!
what Christmas is I work my fingers
all about: money to the bone to buy
and possessions! you these toys!
Don't go giving
w credit to that
fat, phony bowl
full of jelly!

H w 7^
"-**.x/
SLOT*
*Z*

Oh, there's a Santa Claus ^

all right! But no stranger's
comin' down the chimney and
implanting mind control chips
T
in OUR heads while we sleep!

—I-

N>

<JP
• ^
;®
43
 ASSAIL T O T H E CHIEF D E P T

Now that the Presidency ot

Bill Clinton is limping to a
close, one question must be
answered. And not in the
usual evasive legalistic way,
HOW
either. What will be the

BILL
enduring legacy ot President
William J. Clinton? Has he
left an indelible mark on his-
tory, or just on Monica's
blue dress? We at MAD
can't wait for the highfa-
lutin college eggheads to

CLI NT
spend the next 25 years
arguing about it! We're
gonna tell you right now in a
learned analysis we call...

WILL STACK UPAGAINST ARTIST: PAUL COKER WRITER: DESMOND DEVLIN

Bill Clinton pretty

much knows what
Washington went
through, after
years of sharing a
bed with Hillary.

Jimmy Carter had

ah ill-bred hillbilly
brother who
embarrassed the
country with his
sloppy antics.

Bill Clinton didn't

need his ill-bred
hillbilly brother
to do that.
 i
Abraham Lincoln got
less t h a n 5 0 % of the
popular vote, but grew
t o earn the respect
and admiration of all
people throughout
the United States.

Bill Clinton got less

than 5 0 % of the
popular vote.

OTHER US.
PRESIDENTS During his 8.
Presidency, most fr
Americans never
suspected what was
really going on
below Franklin %
mm"J %
Roosevelt's waist.

There's one guy in

Wyoming named
Cletus who doesnt
know about the goings
on in the lower half of
Bill Clinton's body yet.

15 million dollars
enabled America to
double in size, thanks
to Thomas Jefferson's
wise and daring
Louisiana Purchase.
 Harry Truman told
the w o r l d , 'The
buck stops here."

Bill Clinton told

his donors.
T o r enough bucks,
y o u can sleep here."

k
Woodrow Wilson
dedicated himself
toward creating
an international
"League of Nations."

T
Bill Clinton looks like
he devoted most of
his energies toward
supporting the
International House
of Pancakes.

7
Ulysses S. Grant
personally redefined
the meaning of
courage, t h e meaning
o f loyalty, and the
meaning of patriotism.

Bill Clinton
redefined the
meaning of "is."

i
HOW BILL Several historians
n o w believe that
Warren G. Harding

CLINTON WILL died after being

secretly poisoned
by his wife.
STACK UP AGAINST OTHER T
U S . PRESIDENTS
Stay
tuned.

46
 i
One of the black
marks o n John F
Kennedy's record
was the Bay of Pigs.

T
One of the black
marks in Bill Clinton's
life was his non-stop
parade of pigs.

7
Observers and historians
w i l l argue for decades
as t o w h a t might have
been contained o n the
missing 18 and a half
minutes o n Richard
Nixon's secret tapes.

Whenever Bill Clinton

had an unexplained
18-minute gap in his
schedule, nobody was
all that confused as to
w h a t he was doing.

i
Before becoming
President, Dwight
Eisenhower signed off
o n the order that sent
over 100,000 American
soldiers rushing onto
French soil during the
D-Day invasion.
1
As President, Bill
Clinton signed the
NAFTA deal that sent
over 100,000 American
jobs rushing over the
Mexican border.
 GRIEVING LAS VEGAS DEPT.

WAD'S

QPLMDB QJIUB
Our team of crack oddsmakers gives you the latest Vegas line on
how one of today's biggest stars will be voted off the planet!
THIS MONTH'S FUTURE MEMBER OF THE R.I.P. TRIBE:

CAUSE OF DEATH
Eaten by Survivor cast members sick
dining on rats, beetles and maggots
Tribal Council torch "accident"
on smell of castaways after a week
or so without showers or deodorant
Accidentally sat on by naked fat gay guy
Speared by viewers outraged that
BQBSX that jerk Richard Hatch won the million
Fatal fistfight with Regis Philbin
over who's-"da man" in primetime
Crushed by mob of fans who
think he's the only reason to watch

. • ^ A R T I S T : ION WEIMAN WRITER: MIKE SNIDER

 m ' It's all TAKEN CARE OR boss.
He'll be SLEEPING WITH
THE FI8HE8 in no time!

K $%m
^wmm^kARTIST ANP WRITER: DUCK EDWINC
 From
the
Makers
of
Cherry
Garcia
and
Phish
Food
Come...
NEW
ROCK * M P
UVSP/RED"