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MIND AND CHILD'S

PARENTING GUIDE
 Welcome! A little about who we are:

We are Dr. Erin Avirett and Dr. Jordana

Mortimer. We are child psychologists with
over 20 years of combined clinical
experience and are parents ourselves
(Erin has three children and Jordana has
two). We’ve worked with thousands of
families and have a passion for helping
families learn how to have harmonious
and happy lives.

We also know firsthand how challenging

it can be to juggle a personal life, a
career, AND raise children. It’s why we
developed Mind and Child and our
essential parenting videos and resources!

We think it’s important that parents have

quick, easy-to- implement, research-
backed parenting strategies that work!

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 With So Much Parenting Advice Out There, Where Do I
Even Start?

Does this sound familiar...

Your child is demonstrating challenging

behaviors. You’ve addressed the behaviors in
a variety of ways, but nothing seems to work.
Naturally, you start looking up parenting
resources online and are inundated with an
overwhelming amount of advice...some that
makes sense; some that’s contradictory; and
some that seems impossible to ever
implement in the real world.

Maybe you try a tip or two, but it’s hard to

stay consistent. What do you do? How do you
navigate all of the parenting advice out
there?

Start by focusing on 3 concepts that have been backed by decades of research on the most
effective parenting techniques: [3]
1. Be Emotionally Available
2. Teach and Reinforce Positive Behavior
3. Use Consistent and Logical Consequences

It’s especially important to note that the first two concepts primarily happen in moments when
challenging behavior is NOT occurring. These proactive skills will make the greatest difference
in your child’s behavior. They also go beyond basic behavior management and help develop
your child’s emotional regulation, social skills, independence, empathy, and self-regulation.
Basically, it’s all the things needed to be a great little human being.
Let’s dive in...

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 1. Ensure you are
Emotionally Available
What Does “Emotional Availability” Mean:
Emotionally available parents:
Take intentional time to positively interact with their kids
Show warmth and tenderness towards their children
Allow their child to experience emotions (good and bad)
Are honest about their own emotions

Why is Emotional Availability Important [1]:

Brain science tells us that children who have emotionally available parents experience:
Less stress (regulated cortisol levels)
Less extreme emotional reactions (lowered amygdala reactivity)
Better impulse control (increased activation in the prefrontal cortex)
Higher rates of oxytocin (neurotransmitter important in connected relationships)
Higher rates of dopamine and serotonin (feel good neurotransmitters)
Raising their own children with all the above

Furthermore, parental
emotional availability is
linked to a strong
parent-child
relationship, and
children who grow into
balanced, well-rounded
adults. This is the goal,
isn’t it!?

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 How do I Become More Emotionally
Available?
1. Ensure you have QUALITY one-on-one
time with each child daily. This fulfills your
child’s basic human need for attention and
connection, which in turn helps prevent your
child from seeking that attention and
connection in less appealing ways (like
screaming at you). When spending
intentional time with your child, remember
that quality outranks quantity. 5 minutes of
quality connection goes further than 60
minutes of distracted time in the same
room. Here are some tips regarding HOW to
ensure your time together is quality:
a. Get on the same eye level as your child. Maybe that’s on the floor. Maybe you both sit at
your child’s desk together. Or maybe you flop on the bed next to them while playing or
talking.
b. No Screens. Put your phone in another room. The ding of your phone is sometimes too
tempting to avoid checking.
c. Let your child lead the play/interaction. Observe what they are doing and follow along. You
don’t need to remember how to play – they know how!
d. Ensure your hands are moving too. Having an adult stare at you while you are trying to play is
awkward. Do what they do! You’ll find that, when everyone’s hands are moving, your child will
automatically open up more.
e. Be a sportscaster. Label what they are doing. “The T-Rex is stomping. Oh no! The
Quetzalcoatlus is scared and flying away!” Labeling helps them know you are paying
attention and value their play.

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 How do I Become More Emotionally Available? (Continued)

2. Active and Reciprocal Communication. If you’re a parent of a child

older than three, you probably know that your child can tell some long,
rambling, seemingly pointless stories. It’s easy (and sometimes self-
preserving) to tune out these stories and respond with mindless
monosyllabic responses. Although sometimes that’s all you can muster, it’s
important to have daily, active communication with your child. Here is
what this may look like:

a. Listen to understand, not to respond. If your child is telling you about their favorite BeyBlade, soccer
moves, or cat breed, ask questions to learn more about their topic of interest (not just to move the
conversation along).
b. Make it a point to bring a conversation back up later in the day. This verifies to your child that you
are listening and care. This may sound like:
i. “Hey Honey! Earlier today, Aiden was saying that he prefers Stamina Beyblades to Attack
Beyblades, because, even though they aren’t as powerful, they are more reliable. Which one
would you choose?”
ii. “Why don’t you teach me that new soccer move you said you tried at recess today?”
iii. “I’ve been thinking all day about that crazy dream you had last night! What do you think you will
dream about tonight!?”
c. Talk about YOUR day. When you pick your child up from school, don’t just grill them with questions
about their day. Also offer highlights from your day. This instantly elevates your relationship, and
makes it feel more reciprocal.
d. Ask your child for help. Ask them to help you decide what shoes to wear, or ask for their help on
how to best get the weeds from the yard to the dumpster. This instantly allows your child to see that
you value their opinion. This also fulfills your child’s innate need for control.

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 How do I Become More Emotionally Available? (Continued)
3. Be Okay with Emotions. Emotions are not bad. Emotions are needed, even the uncomfortable
ones! Think about that time in middle school when you said something gossipy, and it backfired.
Suddenly everyone was against you, and you felt embarrassed, remorseful, and sad. Those negative
emotions were needed to help you learn a valuable lesson and grow as a person (Okay, maybe that
exact situation did not happen to you, but we bet you can think of a similar situation!)

It's our job as parents to be open with our child’s emotions! This may look like:
Labeling our child’s emotions for them: “Oooh, you are super frustrated”
Providing comfort when they are upset
Teaching them ways to calm their body back down to re-regulate
Helping them talk and work through difficult situations

We talk about all of the above in more detail in our ‘Parenting 101’ course!

*Special note. You can be okay

with the emotions and not be
okay with the behavior
accompanying the emotion. For
example, if your 6-year-old
becomes angry and takes a
swing at you, you can say: “It’s
okay to be angry, but I can’t let
you hit.” *

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 2. Teach and Reinforce
Positive Behaviors

What Does This Mean:

Parents who teach and reinforce positive behaviors:
Spend time proactively teaching their child what they want them to do
Respond to challenging behaviors by re-teaching the goal behavior
Positively acknowledge the behaviors they want to see more

Why This is Important [2]:

Reinforcements increase dopamine in the brain. Research also shows us that kids who have parents
who teach and reinforce positive behaviors have increased gray matter in the posterior insular cortex
of the brain. These brain differences are associated with kids who have:
Greater empathy towards others
Better decision-making skills
Higher levels of conscientiousness
Increased openness to new experiences
Better emotional regulation
Quicker mastery of new behaviors
Higher likelihood of repeating positive behaviors

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 How do I Teach and Reinforce Positive
Behavior?
1. Define your Expectations. Be intentional and specific in defining your behavioral expectations for
situations. For example, let’s say you will soon take your child to the park, and you are worried that
they will run away, throw rocks at other kids, or have a fit when it is time to go. Define your
expectations! So, you may say the following:
a. When we are at the park, you must stay on the area with the shredded tire. If you want to
move areas, you must tell me first.
b. We follow the posted rules of the park. The rules at this park are: putting your trash in the bin,
not throwing rocks, and not jumping off the second level.
c. We can play with other kids, but must use kind words and keep our hands to ourselves.
d. When it is time to go, I will give you a five-minute warning. Then, we will pack up and go to
the car.
e. When we are near the parking lot, you will hold my hand.
f. We can only go to the park if we follow the rules of the park! If you have a hard time
following the rules, we will leave.
2. Give Reinforcements for Positive Behaviors. Research has shown us, time and time again, that
reinforcements for positive behaviors are more effective at increasing our child’s overall positive
behavior when compared to giving consequences are for negative behavior. Below are some
examples of different ways to reinforce positive behaviors:
a. Offering verbal praise
b. Giving your child a high-five, pat on the back, or hug
c. Offering a non-verbal approval cue, like a thumbs up or wink
d. Giving them a tangible reward like a sticker Click here to
e. Using a reinforcement system, like a sticker chart read our blog
post on
sticker
charts!

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 *Follow these keys for effective reinforcements.
For the reinforcement to be the most effective, try the following:
The reinforcement should be given immediately after the positive behavior
Praise should be specific
Say,“Thank you for using your kind words with your sister,”not just“Good job!”
The reinforcement or praise should be realistic and not over the top.
Say,“Thanks for taking out the trash, I really appreciate when you listen!”not “Ah, you are so
smart, strong, and the best kid in the whole world. Here’s a $20 for being such a big helper!”
Reinforce about 5 positive behaviors for every 1 behavior that you need to correct. This is the
“golden rule” for positively changing behavior.*

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 3. Use Consistent and Logical
Consequences when Needed

What Does This Mean:

1. Parents who use consistent and logical consequences:
Give consistent expectations for behaviors and family rules
Maintain consistent expectations across settings (at home, grandparents’ house, or
restaurants)
Address negative behaviors immediately and calmly
Follow-through on corrections when needed
Use logical, realistic (not over-the-top) corrections that are in line with the behavior
Ensure corrective moments end lovingly, with a restored relationship, and with a fresh slate

Why This is Important [2]:

1. Children who have parents who use a combination of reinforcement/praise for positive behaviors
and consistent and logical consequences for challenging behaviors are more likely to have:
Less disruptive behaviors
Lower levels of anxiety and stress
Greater self-discipline

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 How do I use consistent and logical
consequences?

An important key to remember is:

How you correct your child’s behavior is way more important than
what correction you use. When correcting your child, you should
follow these rules:

1. You should be calm: If your child misbehaves and you need to

correct them, you MUST be calm. If you aren’t calm, it is not the
time to correct.
2. You must be consistent: If you correct a specific behavior
today, you need to also correct it tomorrow. There should also
be consistency between caregivers.
3. The correction must be meaningful: If your daughter hits her
brother, the correction should relate to the behavior (The goal in
this particular correction would be to restore their relationship.).
You should NOT have your daughter pull weeds all weekend as
punishment. Although that may be convenient, it does not teach
her how to get along with her brother next time.
4. You must follow through: If you give your child a correction,
you must follow through! This means that the correction must be
sustainable (for example, grounding your pre-teen for 3 months
is just not sustainable, and you are unlikely to follow through).

What are examples of researched-based consequences?

We cover this in detail in our ‘Parenting 101’ course! Which is now available to Mind
& Child Members for $13! Check it out for our best recommendations for handling
difficult behaviors in the moment.

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Citations:
1. Clark ELM, Jiao Y, Sandoval K, Biringen Z. Neurobiological Implications of Parent-Child Emotional Availability: A Review. Brain Sci.
2021 Jul 30;11(8):1016. doi: 10.3390/brainsci11081016. PMID: 34439635; PMCID: PMC8391119.
2. Matsudaira I, Yokota S, Hashimoto T, Takeuchi H, Asano K, Asano M, Sassa Y, Taki Y, Kawashima R. Parental Praise Correlates with
Posterior Insular Cortex Gray Matter Volume in Children and Adolescents. PLoS One. 2016 Apr 21;11(4):e0154220. doi:
10.1371/journal.pone.0154220. PMID: 27101139; PMCID: PMC4839741.
3. Leijten P, Gardner F, Melendez-Torres GJ, van Aar J, Hutchings J, Schulz S, Knerr W, Overbeek G, What to Teach Parents to Reduce
Disruptive Child Behavior: Two Meta-Analyses of Parenting Program Components, Journal of the American Academy of Child &
Adolescent Psychiatry(2018), doi: https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jaac.2018.07.900.

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 start here
MIND AND CHILD'S
PARENTING GUIDE
DAILY CHECKLIST

Each day, can you: check the first two boxes, and at least one of the subsequent boxes, as those
situations arise?

I spent a few minutes of quality time with my child today

(no screens, on the same level, letting them lead the interaction)

I had at least one active and reciprocal conversation with my child today
(I listened to understand, not just respond)

I labeled or comforted at least one of my child’s emotions today

(Saying, “You are frustrated/ worried/ excited”)

I preemptively defined my expectations for one possibly difficult situation today

(e.g., talking about the rules of the grocery store, before you go into the
grocery store)

I positively reinforced one behavior immediately after it occurred

(e.g., giving your child a high five after they cleaned up their dishes the
first time you asked)

I responded (instead of reacted) to at least negative behavior calmly

(Take a deep breath, keeping a calm voice, attempting to learn *why* your
child did the thing instead of initially yelling/ berating/ lecturing)

I calmly kept a behavioral boundary I made with my child

(e.g., if your child asked for a snack before dinner, and you said “no,” you
calmly hold that boundary and do not let them have a snack, even if they
whine/ plead/ meltdown.)

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