CATCH AS CATCH CAN

by Mia Chung

2019 draft

[email protected]

*
Emma Feiwel
WME
[email protected]
212.903.1409
CAST
(in alphabetical order)

Actor L/D – female, white, can play late 30s and early 70s
– roles: LON LAVECCHIA (early 70s, Italian American)
DANIELA LAVECCHIA (late 30s, Italian American, daughter to
Roberta and Lon)

Actor R/R – male, white, can play mid-40s and late 60s
– roles: ROBERTA LAVECCHIA (late 60s, Italian American)
ROBBIE LAVECCHIA (mid 40s, Italian American, son to Roberta
and Lon)

Actor T/T – male, white, can play mid-40s and late 60s
– roles: THERESA PHELAN (late 60s, Irish American)
TIM PHELAN (mid 40s, Irish American, son to Theresa)

SETTING Working class New England

This play runs with no intermission.

CATCH AS CATCH CAN | 2019

NOTE The theatrical doubling of character is core to the play's meaning.
Nonetheless, throughout the script, I use character names (rather than
Actors L/D, R/R, and T/T) in order to support the flow of story and
character development for the reader. Please keep the doubling in mind as
you read. (Some have found it useful to keep the cast breakdown handy.)
The layers of meaning from this parent-child doubling that would be clear
when performed may be elusive on the page.

And also: although the play is about two white families, the roles could be
performed by an East Asian cast as a further exploration of the performance
of identity. With such a casting choice, the cultural references nonetheless
remain as written; in other words, the actors would still be playing white,
working class, Irish American, and Italian American characters in New
England.

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 1

1 ROBERTA LAVECCHIA and THERESA PHELAN

THERESA is in ROBERTA’s kitchen having a cup of tea.

THERESA
You know, I’ve changed my mind: I hope she has a girl.

ROBERTA
They have enough boys.

THERESA
Boring boys.

ROBERTA
So many / boys.

THERESA
If you can’t be the real Prince,

ROBERTA
better be a girl.

THERESA
A princess.

ROBERTA
Think of the bedazzle!

THERESA
So smart to get right down to / business.

ROBERTA
Needs to secure her / place.

THERESA
A baby locks her in.

ROBERTA
Sometimes I worry she’s a fish in a tank of sharks.

THERESA
Thank god for Kate.

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ROBERTA
The other commoner

THERESA
Our commoners are more common than their commoners.

ROBERTA
When did commoners get fabulously wealthy over there?

THERESA
You know, they’re an asset. A genetic booster shot. A re-fresh. No more sickly constitutions—I think the
inbreeding, the gene pool stagnation, that explains a lot of it: the thinning hair, the dumbing down

ROBERTA
the coldness

THERESA
even the cheatin’ around

ROBERTA
Good, strong genes: normal, healthy

THERESA
Just what they needed. After all that tragedy.

ROBERTA
I think Diana woulda loved them both.

THERESA
But who’d be her favorite?

ROBERTA
She wouldn’t choose favorites.

THERESA
She’d protect Meghan more. She’d have to.

ROBERTA
That family

THERESA
It’s really just the father.

ROBERTA
I bet you anything she gives birth to his pug nose.

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 3

THERESA
That’s her inheritance.

ROBERTA
Kate, on the other hand, so easy.

THERESA
Diana was all alone. These girls—nowhere near as glamorous.

ROBERTA
They’re happier.

THERESA
Not as beautiful either.

ROBERTA
Almost as beautiful.

THERESA
Diana knew how to wear it.

ROBERTA
She had to learn that.

THERESA
Diana taught us what a princess could be.

ROBERTA
The People’s Princess

THERESA
The perfect princess

ROBERTA
Who can follow in those shoes?

THERESA
Maybe a new little princess.

ROBERTA
It’s what we all need. (happy sigh)
You’ll have such fun. Double-decker buses. High tea with clotted cream. Harris decide to go?

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 4
THERESA
He’s coming to London. Ireland, I’m on my own.

ROBERTA
It’s been forever since I was on a plane.

ROBERTA eats a cookie.

THERESA
Saw Daniela with Sam at the mall Black Friday weekend. They looked happy.

ROBERTA shrugs, then feels a twinge in her right wrist. She winces
and rubs.

ROBERTA
Took in five bridesmaid dresses this week, plus a blazer with three seams, so it’s been a little

THERESA
My cousin had that, same thing. Doctor made her get a fancy brace.

ROBERTA
Did it help?

THERESA
Said so, but Cathy’s a little… like she takes twenty supplements and swears by the multivitamin, but she’s
the one always getting sick, so

ROBERTA
If it helps to hold a needle

THERESA
Can you take a break from the sewing?

ROBERTA
And do what?

THERESA
Take it easy. Stay off your hands.

ROBERTA
How long would you last without your hands?

THERESA
Cathy doesn’t use hers anymore—the brace, I mean.

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 5
ROBERTA
So it worked.

THERESA
They’re not cheap. They’re not covered.

ROBERTA
Right. Okay.

THERESA
Maybe Cathy’d lend hers? They’re custom-fit, which is confusing cuz they’re also adjustable, but so
maybe could fit you?

ROBERTA
Couldn’t hurt

THERESA
I’ll get it from Cathy this weekend.

THERESA breaks a cookie in half and eats it.

THERESA
You said you got a cousin getting married

ROBERTA
Cousin Agostino, yeah.

THERESA
The one had the house trouble? How many’s that?

ROBERTA
“Lucky number four”—the right one, he says.

THERESA
Is she?

ROBERTA
Polish

THERESA
Catholic

ROBERTA
He bought her a car for engagement.

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 6
THERESA
A car?

ROBERTA
A certified, pre-driven fiat. An engagement car—who does that!?

THERESA
Least he’s flush.

ROBERTA
For now.

THERESA
Separate credit cards! Tell him.

ROBERTA
He wants me to have them over, but

THERESA
You doing one of your parties?

ROBERTA
A party? I maybe could

THERESA
Tim’s home tomorrow.

ROBERTA
How long?

THERESA
A few weeks, off and on. Business trips, stopping home in between.

ROBERTA
Travels a lot, don’t he? Rolling stones gather no

THERESA
Well. Actually.

ROBERTA
You got news?

THERESA nods.
ROBERTA
Tim?

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 7
THERESA
Looks that way.

ROBERTA
Who is she?

THERESA
She’s… she’s fine.

ROBERTA
Uh oh

THERESA
I only met her once. She’s fine.

ROBERTA
You met her once, they’re engaged?

THERESA
I didn’t get out to California enough.

ROBERTA
I’d be a mess if Robbie moved out again, even across the street. But California? I don’t know how you
stand it all these years. So when’s / the

THERESA
They haven’t set a date yet. Tim wants to move back first.

ROBERTA
Move back?!

THERESA
Train distance, he says. Somewhere on the Northeastern corridor. He’s looking at jobs.

ROBERTA
When’s he coming for dinner!?

THERESA
I was hoping.

ROBERTA
Took you long enough. Has he called Robbie? I’ll make my meatballs!

THERESA
He’s bouncing around, interviews and—but weekends are good.

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 8
ROBERTA
It’s been too long since I really cooked. The place is a mess.
Tessie, you must be over the moon. All finally coming together.

THERESA
Tim should really talk to Robbie. He’s been away too long.

ROBERTA
They love him out there, who wouldn’t? But he’s coming home now. With a girl!

THERESA
I’m worried she’ll be a fish out of water.

ROBERTA
When do we meet her? When’re they movin’?

THERESA
Not now. Soon. We’ll see. They’re waiting to see if Mingjung can transfer jobs.

ROBERTA puts down her cookie.

ROBERTA
What’s her name?

THERESA
Minjung.

ROBERTA
Theresa.

THERESA sips tea.

THERESA
She’s in architecture. Works for a big firm out there.

ROBERTA
(indicating the under-eye skin) Those dark circles, no wonder.

THERESA
But she might give it up and teach.

ROBERTA
You seen her only once?

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 9
THERESA
Tim never said any—why would I think

ROBERTA
Such a rush.

THERESA
My brain’s exploded.

ROBERTA
I knew it: how far gone is she?

THERESA
No no, that’s / not

ROBERTA
You sure?

THERESA
You think that’s not the first thing I asked? It’s just sudden to me. They been together for—do you know
Tim’s been in California almost eleven years now?

ROBERTA
It’s been that long?

THERESA
I never—always felt temporary: subletting and grass smoothies for dinner, making art, burning it up in the
desert, watching whales, chanting—they’re all like that out there.

ROBERTA
The time Robbie was posted in Korea doesn’t feel real to me either.

THERESA
Shoulda visited more.

A short beat.

ROBERTA
She gorgeous?

THERESA
She’s… I mean, you notice her.

ROBERTA
Exactly.

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 10
THERESA
No, but not like that.

ROBERTA
Sure, sure

THERESA
No, she’s—wish I had a picture, she’s not, how do I… She’s like a little doll.

ROBERTA
Oh yeah, one of those Hello Kitty girls, I know.

THERESA
No, no, not like / that.

ROBERTA
You know what they say.

THERESA
I know nothing, I’s hoping you’d—tell me what you know.

ROBERTA
It’s like… a different experience. They’re built different.

THERESA
What?

ROBERTA makes a tight hole with one hand.

THERESA
What’s that?

THERESA makes the same gesture with her hand.

ROBERTA
Really tight.

THERESA
Oh, Roberta.

ROBERTA
And they can go for hours.

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 11
THERESA
I really don’t / think

ROBERTA
They don’t dry up.

THERESA
Seriously / now

ROBERTA
Those pictures in the back of the papers you get down at the Sleven

THERESA
No, no, she was at Yale for architecture. They’re the ones might have her / teach.

ROBERTA
Oh, fancy pants, so she’s educated, she’s / smart.

THERESA
(touches her forehead, closes her eyes) But now you’ve put these awful, I’m seeing these / awful…

ROBERTA
There’s gotta be a reason you can order them by mail.

THERESA
No, but that’s / not

ROBERTA
(a significant look) For hours.

THERESA
No but Mingjin, she’s like the opposite. Always in the office, Tim says.

ROBERTA
Oh, yeah okay, you mean like Mrs. Wong that helped Lon with his / back,

THERESA
No, no

ROBERTA
the woman worked Christmas, New Year’s. Remember: the thick glasses and the bald / spot?

THERESA
No, not Mrs. Wong. Minjin was raised here.

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 12
ROBERTA
So she’s got good English.

THERESA
Oh yeah yeah. And she’s got really big eyes, I mean they’re huge, and—I’ll have to get a photo from Tim.
He needs to talk to Robbie. Did you ever learn to make kim-ichi?

ROBERTA
! Kimchi? She’s Korean?!

THERESA
That’s why I thought Tim and Robbie

ROBERTA
Oh, yeah, no, they’ll talk.

THERESA
Is it a copycat thing? What are the chances both Tim and / Robbie

ROBERTA
They’ll definitely talk.

A short beat.

ROBERTA
So she tiny?

THERESA
Not so much tiny. I mean she’s got, you know, tiny hands, but beautiful skin and—I only met her the
once. Quiet, a little hard to read, and such shiny, nice long shiny hair. And I don’t know: like a doll.

ROBERTA
Like she’d break if you drop her?

THERESA
No, kinda like, you know that movie—flying round, kung fu, Crouching Kicking Dragon Snake or
something?

ROBERTA
Crouching Dragon Hiding Something, / yeah.

THERESA
The little kicking girl—the size of my thumb, but she, man after man, thrown to the / ground.

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 13
ROBERTA
Big trouble, little China.

THERESA
Didn’t break a sweat, barely moved a muscle on her face.

ROBERTA
But that was Chinese. Yours is Korean. There’s a difference.

THERESA
Yeah see, what’s the, I never paid attention—tell me.

ROBERTA
I don’t know what it is. But there’s a difference.

THERESA
What was yours named again?

ROBERTA
Cindy.

THERESA
No, her real name

ROBERTA
Hae-won [pronounces: hay-wan]

THERESA
Hae-w—Cindy was nice.

ROBERTA
She made Robbie drive in the snow to buy apples! The streets were black ice!

THERESA
Didn’t he miss a confirmation cuz she wanted to see Niagara Falls?

ROBERTA
I know divorce is an unfortunate end, but how glad was I that ended?

THERESA
Robbie in touch with her at all?

ROBERTA
I tell you he was out there in April?

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 14
THERESA
April he was in Korea?

ROBERTA
A sudden thing, maybe getting posted there again, probably needed one last look.
I think she wasn't so nice to him.

THERESA
With Tim, I never knew what he was gonna drag home. He likes his mysteries. All men do.

ROBERTA
Cindy was certainly a mystery.

THERESA
He’s my orchid child. Likes things just so. Interfere, he’ll blow up, go the opposite way.
But Tim’s got good taste—he’s a snob, really. But yet, I don’t know, it’s just this feeling.

ROBERTA
I know that feeling.

THERESA
It’s cuz I’m alone. I’m at a disadvantage.

ROBERTA
John’s always with you.

THERESA
He wasn’t with me in life!

ROBERTA
Wanna talk to him?

THERESA
You know I can’t waste money on that. I’ll talk to Father Bill. I just can’t see where this’ll end up.

ROBERTA
The stars could tell you.

THERESA
The stars?

ROBERTA
Glorisha’s having a special right now. She could do the I Ching for you.

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 15
THERESA
Mm, the I Ching. (nods, then stops) What’s the I Ching?

ROBERTA
It’s the Book of Changes. It’s the Ten Wings. It’s the yeeng and the yang—look, it’s better coming from
Glorisha, go see her.

THERESA
(skeptical noise)

ROBERTA
Glorisha got me through Robbie’s mess.

THERESA
I remember.

ROBERTA
And she’s been very perceiving about Lon. Go see her—she’ll throw in a color horoscope for the
holidays.

THERESA
John and I—ours wasn’t like that. We didn’t need the I Ching or the stars or. It was like a car with a
reliable motor, clear who sat in what seat when, helped each other / park

ROBERTA
Couldn’t find a better man than John Phelan—that’s what Lon always / said.

THERESA
He was, he was. No complaints here.

ROBERTA hands her a cookie.

ROBERTA
No history’s been written yet, Theresa. Tim was never predictable.

THERESA
It’s just… I can’t quite see the angle.

ROBERTA
That’s it though: they’re built sideways down there.

THERESA
Roberta, you’re making this up. How could you know something like that.

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 16
ROBERTA
He’s never been the same. He’s regressed even. It’s her malocchio, I swear to God.

THERESA
He shouldn’t be going over there.

ROBERTA
Believe me, I—he didn’t say a thing ’til he was stepping on the plane!

THERESA
I have two sons. I understand.

ROBERTA
You don’t know how many times I wish I’d told Robbie to get it out of his system.

THERESA
Roberta, you did what a mother could do.

ROBERTA
I woulda told him where to go. I woulda booked the hotel. I woulda paid.

THERESA
Oh now Roberta

ROBERTA
Or sent him to Thailand—a long lost weekend in Bangkok. I think about it: what if, instead of paying for
the reception, we’d bought him a plane ticket and said don’t come back ‘til the fever’s passed and you can
be done with that that (makes the tight hole gesture) and get on with your life.

THERESA
I’m not so sure it’s only / about

ROBERTA
Who wants half-breeds running around?!

A short beat.

THERESA
Sometimes they turn out okay.

ROBERTA
Don’t tell me you haven’t thought exactly the same thing.

They eat cookies and sip tea.

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 17
2 ROBERTA LAVECCHIA and LON LAVECCHIA

The Lavecchias’ master bedroom. LON is doing Sudoku. ROBERTA

tears out the hems of navy blue pants.

ROBERTA
Robbie talk to you at all?

LON
The gravel patch—he’s getting some / friends, we’ll

ROBERTA
Not about the gravel patch. / Something’s going on.

LON
Then, no.

ROBERTA
He’s not eating, and / he’s doing too many chores.

LON
(grunt)

ROBERTA
Did I do something?

LON
You’re always doin’—the other day, Daniela and the / desserts

ROBERTA shakes out a pair of navy pants.

ROBERTA
Something’s wrong with Robbie.
Alright, come on.

ROBERTA hands the pants to LON. As he changes pants, ROBERTA

brings over a small step stool.

ROBERTA
I’m coming in with you this time, / Lon.

LON
(swats the air) Routine / follow-up

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 18
ROBERTA
I don’t mind, I’m coming in. I’ll be quiet and / to the side.

LON
Bertie, I’m a grown / boy.

ROBERTA
I want to ask him things / that you won’t

LON
Jot them down.

ROBERTA
You can’t read my writing. And you always forget. / Why shouldn’t I come in?

LON
Ay (shakes both hands in the air)

ROBERTA
I need to know what to cook and the medications and if I don’t—just prepare yourself: I’m going in with
you tomorrow.

LON steps on the stool.

LON
Daniela’s talking about New York a lot.

ROBERTA brings over LON’s shoes.

ROBERTA
New York? You want her to move? She just bought that condo. Plus, Sam doesn’t like New York.
With shoes.

LON
Daniela likes New York.

LON steps off the stool. ROBERTA fits the shoes onto his feet.

ROBERTA
I’m hands-on, Lonnie, you know that. It’s better when I can talk to the doctor direct.

LON steps back up onto the stool.

LON
Daniela said Sam’s going out of town. To Chicago again.

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 19

ROBERTA folds the hems of each of LON’s pant legs. She marks the
folds with a fabric crayon.

ROBERTA
He’s worried about money.

ROBERTA takes pins out of a fabric tomato. She pins each hem up.

LON
Robbie? Maybe the car needs work or… saving for a trip. But I dunno.

ROBERTA
A trip? Robbie? Where? / Where’s Robbie need to go?

LON
(grunt)

ROBERTA
Flying or what kind of—like for / vacation or—is he gambling again or—what do you mean?

LON
Said I dunno

ROBERTA leans back, assesses the pants, leans in every now and
then to tug, adjusting the break of the pant on each side.

ROBERTA
What about Daniela?

LON
Nothin.

ROBERTA
You’re lopsided, Lon (gestures for Lon to re-balance his weight). That’s it.
At this point, I don’t care: get married already!

LON
(disgusted snort)

ROBERTA, re-pins one of the hems, leans back, surveys her work.

ROBERTA
Good fabric—I know a good deal when I
You worried cuz Tim’s home?

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LON
Nah, Dani’s a smart girl

ROBERTA
Yeah, but Tim’s a dumb man.
Okay, off.

LON
That fella, Blake what’s-his-name

LON steps down, flips off the shoes and pulls off the navy pants.

ROBERTA
Last month? No, Daniela said that wasn’t a thing.

ROBERTA hands LON his original brown pants and puts a pair of
slippers near his feet.

LON
He paid for dinner.

ROBERTA
Wasn’t like that. Daniela got excited—he led that managerial / retreat and

LON slides on the slippers, sits down in his shirt and underwear.

LON
Who excited who? Asked her to think about New York.

ROBERTA picks up LON’s shoes, puts them neatly to the side.

ROBERTA
He lives in Connecticut. Married with kids.

LON
(snorts) I don’t get it.

LON picks up his Sudoku. ROBERTA sits down with the navy pants
in her lap. She puts on glasses and threads a needle.

ROBERTA
Is he going back to Korea?

ROBERTA rubs her right wrist.

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LON
Say anything about that? (nods at her wrist) Acting up?

ROBERTA
Said something about the base expanding—why’s he care about that?
They’ve been divorced now two years! Why’s he looking / in the rearview

ROBERTA sews the hems.

LON
Robbie’s your son, but last time I checked he’s also a man.
Want the Vick’s?

ROBERTA
Men are so dumb.
It’s okay, I’m getting a brace.

LON
Forget the pants, Roberta. These are fine. (slaps his old brown pants)

ROBERTA
No, Lon, you’re wearing these tomorrow.

LON
(grunts) I don’t like the color. How ‘bout an Advil?

ROBERTA
I like the color. What if it’s back? I like hearing exactly how Dr. Ramirez describes things.

ROBERTA
I rather no one has to get me from the waiting room, Lon. I rather I’m right there.

LON
(shakes head sorrowfully) No privacy.

LON holds a green tie against the brown pants.

ROBERTA
Privacy? What’s private? You turnin’ WASP in your old age?
The green had moths. Look, on the side.
Look, I want to start you on red gingseng.

LON
Red gin-what?

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LON checks the green tie, then throws it to the ground.

ROBERTA
Ginseng. They’ve been doing studies with / some remarkable outcomes. I want to ask Dr. Ramirez.

LON
(snort)

ROBERTA holds up a silver tie.

ROBERTA
This silver is good. And so handsome with the navy. And anyways, I’m almost done here.

LON
I’m not taking any red Oriental snake oil shit.

ROBERTA
I already bought some.

LON
Roberta Marie.

ROBERTA
If the doctor says no, / I’ll return it. Please, Lonnie.

LON
Roberta, what did we just—(shakes a hand in the air) Roberta!

ROBERTA stops sewing, waves her hands at LON, beseeching.

ROBERTA
Please, Lonnie! I want to ask him things, Lonnie, / please.

LON
Write ‘em down, Roberta. I’ll ask.

LON works on his Sudoku.

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 23
3 ROBBIE and TIM and DANIELA

The Lavecchia porch. ROBBIE and DANIELA drink beer. TIM eats
pistachios. (TIM has an unopened beer beside him.)

ROBBIE
Which pays more?

TIM
The place in Connecticut—it’s a lateral move, but a fuckload more money, plus a signing bonus.

DANIELA
Signing bonus. Ooh wow, / Tim.

ROBBIE
You win, Timoteo. / Again.

TIM
Nah, sounds fancy, but. Really I should do my own start-up. I’m just lazy.
What about you, Rob, you still running the / show at the

ROBBIE
Aaeh. Some changes and aegh, been like, too long—plus, I (shakes head)

DANIELA
Ask 'em for a raise. (to TIM:) They take him for granted, of course.

TIM
Robbie, they’re your friends, but

DANIELA
But loyalty doesn’t pay. Robbie’s so—I mean, he makes it easy / for

TIM
Cuz he’s not a selfish prick. Robbie’s solid. The most solid guy I know. Hands down.

DANIELA
Hey, Timmy, your job now, what if they counter and—they’ll go crazy to keep you. I would. With all
your—for sure, I would.

ROBBIE
They’re promotin’ Dani at her job.

TIM
Awe/some.

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DANIELA
Yeah but I’m not for / sure

ROBBIE
No confidence.

DANIELA
No, / that’s not

TIM
They’ll do it.

ROBBIE
No, this’s like the third / time

DANIELA
I turned it down before.

ROBBIE
Gonna stop asking

DANIELA
I know, but
I haven’t decided.

ROBBIE
It’s shit or get off time, Dan.
You’re as good as any of those guys.

TIM
Dani’s better than any guy.

ROBBIE
You can do it, Dan.

DANIELA
Of course I can do it. That’s not why.

TIM
Do the people suck?

DANIELA
It’s in New York.

TIM
I just got an interview in New York.

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 25
ROBBIE
Sam hates New York.

DANIELA
No, but he wants to go back to Chicago.

TIM
Ooh, kinda far.

DANIELA
Yeah, plus I don’t like that office.

TIM
But for the right guy

ROBBIE
Or the right (scoff). I mean, like what’s he, (exasperated noises)
Cuz who’s gonna, like without / any kinda

DANIELA
That’s enough. (to TIM:) Robbie thinks I should only move to Chicago if / we’re engaged

TIM
If you’re engaged. Makes sense to me.

ROBBIE
See, Tim knows.

TIM
He’s the lucky one, Dan.

ROBBIE
Pushin’ his luck—it’s been, what, three years?

DANIELA
Thank you, Dr. Phil. When you start dating again, then / maybe

ROBBIE
I been dating, / but

ROBBIE opens a new beer.

DANIELA
Taking Nancy Russo to a hockey game doesn't count.

CATCH AS CATCH CAN | 2019

 26
TIM
Nancy Russo

DANIELA
Yeah, my best friend in like fifth grade.

TIM
Sweet girl

DANIELA
Who’s separated with three kids. I mean, come on. Talk about no confidence. How’d you meet Minjung?

TIM
I don’t know. A party? We’re friends a long time. But these days, it’s all online

DANIELA
He thinks women online are shopping for men with big paychecks.

ROBBIE
Tell me I’m wrong.

TIM
Look, it’s a mindfuck, but if you can get past the—but yeah, it works for a particular kind / of

ROBBIE
I’m not a logarithm.

DANIELA
Algorithm

ROBBIE
Whatever. Fuck all that fuckin, the pictures and the checklists and click click, like that’s / some

TIM
I hear you, Rob.

ROBBIE
And anyways, look, I, it’s a, it’s been, things’re, like I gotta—but I don’ wanna (folds his arms, shakes
head) Never mind.

ROBBIE takes a nice, long swig of beer.

DANIELA
Robbie, / what’s

CATCH AS CATCH CAN | 2019

 27
ROBBIE
Dani, you’d be making more than I’ll ever make. Three times what Dad saw in a year. (to TIM:) They’d
pay to move her.

TIM
(whistles)

A short beat.

DANIELA
I just bought my new condo.

ROBBIE
Rent it / out.

TIM
Sell it.

DANIELA
The money’s one thing, but like this one woman—she’s one of the best, but always at work, overweight,
never takes vacation. She basically gave up her health.

ROBBIE
I won’t let you get fat.

DANIELA
Don’t be stupid.

TIM
She all alone?

DANIELA
No, lives with her mother. Her father’s in a home. I think she pays for that.

ROBBIE
You got Sam.

DANIELA
Sure, it’s easy to say I’ll be different, I see that hole and I’m not fallin’ in. But in Operations, it’s mostly
men. The women that do this job? They don’t have kids.

ROBBIE
So have kids.

CATCH AS CATCH CAN | 2019

 28
DANIELA
I’m not married yet.

ROBBIE
So get married.

DANIELA
It’s not up to you, okay?

TIM
Things can happen fast.

DANIELA
Sure, I know.

TIM
She could meet someone online tomorrow, get IVF next month, and boom: pregnant with twins. I know
like two or three women who basically did that.

ROBBIE
That’s California.

DANIELA
I could take the job for two years, save up, then move back home.

ROBBIE
Okay, do that.

DANIELA
But it’s these next two or three years that / are

ROBBIE
I’ll talk to Sam.

DANIELA
Why do you think you know how I’m supposed to live, Mr. What’s-the-Internet?

ROBBIE guzzles beer, finishing it off.

TIM
It ain’t over yet, Dan.

DANIELA
I’m not even a summer chicken. Soon-to-be-fall chicken, right here.

CATCH AS CATCH CAN | 2019

 29
TIM
I know a woman who froze her eggs.

DANIELA
This one woman at work’s telling every woman over thirty to do that.

TIM
She’d just broken up, didn’t wanna rush into a—she says in like ten years

DANIELA
Yeah, every girl, as like insurance / or

TIM
Like getting the flu shot, no shame in it. Freeze ‘em, Dan.

ROBBIE
Whoa whoa, I don’t know about that.

DANIELA
Luckily, you don’t have to know about it.
(to TIM:) Honestly, it’s really too late for that / even

ROBBIE
Doesn't damage ‘em?

DANIELA
Robbie, there’s this thing called science.

ROBBIE
There’s this thing called stepping over the line / and you’d be

DANIELA
When’d you get so Catholic?

ROBBIE
When’d you get so—like what’s the, like / why would you choose, people don’t, it’s like y’think it’s so—
last resort stuff, just like fuckin’ click click

TIM
Better than getting divorced and being a single mom.

ROBBIE opens a new beer.

ROBBIE
(to DANIELA:) fast and loose, this kinda, that’s just asking for, seriously

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 30
TIM
Wait ’til someone asks you to be a sperm donor so they can be pregnant during the summer months.

A short beat.

TIM
I got this friend. Wants me to spooge for her in February.

ROBBIE
Holy // fuck

DANIELA
She’s single, right?

TIM
(laughs, shakes head)

DANIELA
I’m not surprised she asked you, Tim.

ROBBIE
“Thank you, but no,” right?

TIM
I was flattered. You start there actually.

DANIELA
It’s a huge compliment. She paying you anything?

ROBBIE
Pay? It’s donation, right? (to TIM:) You’d do this for money?

TIM
(smiles)

DANIELA
On 60 Minutes this guy in med school had all these debts, so he gave sperm like on a weekly basis, and
now he’s got like twenty-four children walking around San Diego.

ROBBIE
Christ, they’ll fuckin date each other and have mutants

TIM
(laughs)

DANIELA
Cuz his profile was so attractive. You get certain information like height, race obviously, years of
education, health, hobbies—even skin color. So like, on paper he’d won the genetic lottery: a tall, white
med student who did triathlons or whatever—perfect on paper. Like you, Tim.
CATCH AS CATCH CAN | 2019
 31

ROBBIE
Twenty-four kids

DANIELA
He didn’t even want to meet them. He ended up in like Michigan or North Dakota or—and Lesley Stahl
went and tracked him down.

ROBBIE
And he could live with himself?

TIM
This is different cuz I know her.

ROBBIE
How long you known her?

TIM
She said I could be as involved as I want to be, but / the

ROBBIE
Yeah, not knowin’ your own kid—I won’t do that.

DANIELA
Who’s asking you?

TIM
But, weirdly, the most normal thing / might be if I’m not involved

ROBBIE
Normal? / There’s nothing—how is this good for / the

DANIELA
(to TIM:) Where’s Minjung in all this? Are they friends?

ROBBIE
This friend, you ever date her?

TIM
No, that road was / closed.

ROBBIE
But so you’d “do it” with // her.

DANIELA
(groans)

TIM
No, no
CATCH AS CATCH CAN | 2019
 32

ROBBIE
Turn out the lights.

TIM
No, not—she bats left-handed.

ROBBIE
Oh. Yeah, but the plumbing still works.

DANIELA
Robbie, Tim’s engaged.

ROBBIE
That’s kinda my point.

DANIELA
No but see, you sidestep all that. My girlfriend’s husband works at a clinic: totally mechanical—they
wash the sperm / and

ROBBIE
Wash the sperm? What are / you

DANIELA
Not with Dawn dishwashing liquid, Stupid. It has to be sterile.

ROBBIE
Sterile? That can’t be / right.

TIM
Not sterile like that.

DANIELA
Just clean somehow, cuz the usual way, swimming through the woman, cleans it somehow.

ROBBIE
(disgusted noise)

DANIELA
And get this, you got this pristine, medical, buttoned-down office, but to get the sperm out

TIM makes a masturbation gesture, replete with sound effect.

ROBBIE
Dani, you been, / I mean how do you

TIM
But she doesn’t have money, so she’s not talking about one of those places

CATCH AS CATCH CAN | 2019

 33
ROBBIE
So, what, an immaculate conception?

DANIELA
I heard of some people used a turkey baster. / They had two that way. It works.

ROBBIE
Oh, for fuck’s sake.

TIM
I’ve done weirder things. My only—I mean, is it really right to pass this (points to self) on to some poor, /
unsuspecting

ROBBIE
Timmy, you could walk down the street, pass your own child and not know them.

DANIELA
How old is Minjung?

TIM
(to ROBBIE:) That already happens, with adoption.

ROBBIE
Yeah but this is worse.

DANIELA
Why?

ROBBIE
(splutters) Seriously…? I mean, is this so, like what’s the—kids wanna know their fathers. Especially a
son. I mean, / what’s (splutter)

DANIELA
Hard to stomach, right? That women might not need you to have a child

ROBBIE
Oh so, life without Dad, / that’s what you’re

TIM
That’s not the / right comparison.

ROBBIE
But that is / what

DANIELA
Different strokes for different folks, Robbie.

A short beat.

CATCH AS CATCH CAN | 2019

 34
ROBBIE
You talk to Father Bill / about…?

DANIELA
I’m not talking about this with you.

A beat.

TIM
So, Barrington… you close to the water?

DANIELA
(shakes head) Outer Barrington, still gotta drive—but I got so much space: two bedrooms, an office

TIM
Gotta guest room?

DANIELA
Yeah, sure—sleepover?! Any / time, Timmy

ROBBIE
(bark) Daniela

A short beat.

DANIELA
Robbie’s jealous I’m monopolizing you, Tim. When you’re married, / there’ll be hell to pay

TIM
Rob, back up, Daniela’s just / makin’

ROBBIE
You back off. It’s my sister, don’t for/get

DANIELA
Robbie, don’t / be a child.

TIM
Dude, what the fuck, I’m not / doin’

ROBBIE
No, you’re not.

A short beat.

TIM
Robbie needs like five more beers.

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 35
ROBBIE
You doin’ this, Tim? This fake dad thing?

A short beat.

TIM
S’pose to send medical records this month, / but uh

ROBBIE
Such a rush.

DANIELA
She’s on a deadline.

ROBBIE
…
Dani, yer askin’ for trouble if yer / actually

TIM
Who isn’t? Death is a deadline. / Old age. Who wants to be alone?

ROBBIE
(grunt)

DANIELA
But you’re not gonna be alone.

TIM
There’s no guarantee. Things happen all the time.

A short beat.

ROBBIE
I mean, what would Christmas be?

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 36
4 ROBERTA LAVECCHIA and THERESA PHELAN and DANIELA

The Lavecchia family room. ROBERTA tries on a carpal tunnel

brace. DANIELA folds clean laundry.

ROBERTA
This is a mistake, Dani.

THERESA
It’s for the best, Roberta, better now than later.
Daniela, you’re a very attractive woman. Dust yourself off and get back out there.

DANIELA
…
It was my decision, Mrs. P.

THERESA
Oh. Oh.
Sure, okay.

ROBERTA
He buys a ring, checks with Lon and me ahead of time—Sam has respect, does things proper. He gets
down on one knee, and that’s when Daniela ends it?

DANIELA
It’s when I knew.

THERESA
She’s making her own decision, Roberta. / Sam’s a sweetheart, a great earner—a real catch,

DANIELA
Made, done, it’s over.

THERESA
but for the long term. For the families. When kids go to school and the holidays.

ROBERTA
That’s how Lon feels.

DANIELA
Dad was okay with Sam.

ROBERTA
Look, I’ll just say it: I’m worried about you being alone.

CATCH AS CATCH CAN | 2019

 37

DANIELA
I’m not worried about being alone.

ROBERTA
Just like your father: your precious Alone Time. You shoulda been a man.

THERESA
There are women who live fulfilling lives without a husband and kids.

ROBERTA
Lesbians, fine, they can live alone. That’s not Daniela.

DANIELA
No, when I say I’m not worried about being alone, I mean: who says I’m gonna be alone?

ROBERTA
You don’t have all the time in the world.

THERESA
You going online?

DANIELA
Just updated my profile, but… I dunno

ROBERTA
(snorts)

THERESA
That’s what my niece Myra says. She’s at the age when it’s only men in their 50s contacting her—
divorcees with kids or freeloaders, no longer first-string. Guys her age want women with some years left
for children—it’s just math. And so she’s—oh, but that’s not you, Dani, disregard everything I—plus,
Myra’s got no personality.

ROBERTA
Wear some colors. Do something with your hair.

DANIELA
Don’t forget my shoes. (to THERESA:) My mother hates my sensible shoes.

ROBERTA
It’s like your feet took early retirement—they’re still on the job! (snaps) Get real shoes.

THERESA
There’s some very attractive, with just a little—“kitten heels” they’re called.

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 38

DANIELA
It’s time for me to move.

ROBERTA
And now making / threats

THERESA
(shrugs) That was Tim’s way.

DANIELA
California might not be far enough.

ROBERTA
No jokes like that in front of your father.

THERESA
Marriage and family aren’t everything. I’m on my own now eight years, and—forgive me saying this
(quick hand to chest, glance toward heaven): I’ve found it freeing. Makes me wonder, if times had been
different… I had an affinity for science.

ROBERTA
I never understood the career fixation: how does that ever work out for the woman?

THERESA
I have two sons. I barely see them.

ROBERTA
(to DANIELA:) His parents love you.

THERESA
You’re a smart woman, Dani. Religion is important. Life is complicated enough not to have a wedge
between you and the in-laws.

ROBERTA
Speaking of wedges, when you meeting her parents?

THERESA
You know, it turns out, her family’s Catholic?

ROBERTA
Oh yeah?

THERESA
The missionaries did very well in Korea. Over 10% of the population. Very Catholic-friendly.

CATCH AS CATCH CAN | 2019

 39

ROBERTA
Oh, of course: Father Mulcahy.

THERESA
And that’s not all:

DANIELA
Father / Mulcahy?

ROBERTA
The Jesuit priest on M*A*S*H.

THERESA
The Koreans and the Irish—we’re both island people.

DANIELA
Korea’s a peninsula.

THERESA
Close enough, surrounded by water, the isolation’s the point.

ROBERTA
Italy’s a peninsula. But that doesn’t / mean

THERESA
And both Ireland and Korea have sad histories that ended in a divided nation.
It comes up in the cultural expression.

ROBERTA
But that only goes so far. Just wait ’til she wants to pay for her parents’ dental work. It’s a different
culture. The women control the money. Things go wrong.

DANIELA
Look at Cousin Agostino.

ROBERTA
(to THERESA:) One thing, at least you know she’s not trying to catch a green card.

DANIELA
Ma, Cindy / wasn’t

ROBERTA
Daniela, please don’t be naïve.

CATCH AS CATCH CAN | 2019

 40
THERESA
Tim says Koreans are the “Irish of the East”: both colonized by repressed, uptight people with bad teeth
who drive on the wrong side of the road.

DANIELA
Diana and Kate are those people, too, you know.

ROBERTA
She’s making fun of us.
Life’s so easy. She’s got it all figured out.

A short beat.

THERESA
Oh, Dani, I’m sure it wasn’t easy.

ROBERTA
But it’s not right to be difficult. You can’t spend all your time with your married friends.

DANIELA
I got plenty of single friends.

ROBERTA
(snorts) Old divorcees with children like Nancy Russo—not helpful.

DANIELA
I’ve got young single friends: Claire Pischke. Tina Guttuso. Linette and Jody and Maureen from yoga.

ROBERTA
Those girls’re all single? I thought Tina had that little bald guy with the big voice

DANIELA
It’s an epidemic, Ma, a disease. And it’s catching.

ROBERTA
Sam is the antidote.

DANIELA
Good idea: I’ll set him up with Jody.

ROBERTA
Ninety-nine percent lines up. You travel well together. He loves your cooking. He does his own laundry.
These things are not easy to find. Religion’s a big deal, sure, / but

CATCH AS CATCH CAN | 2019

 41
THERESA
Were you gonna have to convert?

DANIELA
No, he wasn’t asking for that.

THERESA
Not now. But Judaism is passed through the mother.

DANIELA
But just for the record, that wasn’t the reason I said no to Sam. I didn’t care he was Jewish. I just didn’t
love him.

DANIELA picks up the basket of folded laundry. As she exits:

ROBERTA
But you really liked him.

CATCH AS CATCH CAN | 2019

 42
5 LON LAVECCHIA and ROBBIE and TIM

The Lavecchia family room. LONNIE and ROBBIE work on the

piano: minor fixes, cleaning, polishing. TIM sits on the couch,
working on a laptop. On the piano, LON plays some high keys, then
some low keys.

LON
She’s in exceptional condition. Like new.

TIM taps keys on the laptop, then retracts hands suddenly.

TIM
Ooh—didn’t like that.

ROBBIE
She froze again?

TIM restarts laptop, looks over at LON.

TIM
(to LON:) Used stuff is hard, Uncle Lon.

ROBBIE
She’s got dings.

TIM
(to LON:) What about Daniela?

LON
What about Daniela?

TIM
Does she want her? (refers to piano)

LON
(grunts, waves a hand)

TIM
(absently) I called her Liberace.

TIM turns back to laptop.

LON
Tim, you and your uh—what’s her name?

CATCH AS CATCH CAN | 2019

 43

TIM
Hm?

LON
The two a youse lookin’ to buy or rent?

TIM
Yah maybe. Lotsa stuff still to figure out.

LON
Well, when the time comes, I know a guy in Cranston who’s got an inside / track on

The laptop freezes.

TIM
Again, shit. What kinda foul smut have you /—naughty boy

TIM restarts the laptop.

ROBBIE
Shut up.

TIM
The dirtier it is, / Rob

LON
So, you goin’ to Korea and meet her family?

TIM
Uhhh, she’s born here. Her family’s here.

LON
Oh, lucky break. That was tough. (shakes head, grunts)

ROBBIE
Pop

LON
Robbie’s usually so practical, / but

ROBBIE
Tough was you and Ma

CATCH AS CATCH CAN | 2019

 44
LON
You gonna blame us / for

ROBBIE
(smacks the piano) What about give her to Sal or Gina for the kids?

LON
I wanna sell her.

TIM types.

TIM
Right now: 3,364 upright pianos on eBay: and… zero bids.
What is she? Kimball, Jasper American, / Kohler

LON
Those are all crap. (slaps the piano) Yamaha—she’s top of the line.

LON
Cindy was up to you, Rob.

ROBBIE
Uhm

LON
Each and every, your decisions, Rob.

ROBBIE
…

ROBBIE walks away from LON and the piano. He points at an

unopened beer near TIM.

ROBBIE
That yours, Timmy?

TIM
Take it.

ROBBIE sits on the couch next to TIM, opens the beer and drinks.

TIM restarts the laptop.

TIM
Your laptop’s like—she keeps (shakes head) She’s so unhappy.

CATCH AS CATCH CAN | 2019

 45

ROBBIE
(low grunt)

TIM
It’s like you gave her crabs.

A quiet beat: ROBBIE drinks, TIM clicks and scrolls, LON works on
the piano.

LON
Rob, listen

ROBBIE
Yeah?

LON
Cindy is up to you. I’ll support ya.

ROBBIE
You mean with Ma

LON
Excuse my French, but to hell with what Ma thinks.

A short beat.

TIM
So you and Cindy’re

ROBBIE
No, no, it’s not, like it’s

LON
Rob/bie

ROBBIE
Not thinkin’ about Ma

TIM
It’s cuz you got divorced

LON
Yeah well, oops (shrugs)

CATCH AS CATCH CAN | 2019

 46
TIM
Your life doesn’t have to make sense to other people, Rob.

ROBBIE
I don’t care about that, any of that.
(shakes head, grunts, jobs a thumb at his forehead over and over)

LON
You been on the phone with her.

ROBBIE
It’s not just… fuck.

LON
Don’t beat yo’self up. Look at Tim: took him 10 years in California to find his way home.
We’re lucky he’s coming home with a girl.
(to TIM) Robbie tell you he was in Korea this year?

TIM
Oh yeah?

LON
The spring. That’s when I / knew

ROBBIE
That’s not it. We're not. I mean, that’s not. She's
(painful sigh)
But I don’t think she’s

A short beat. LON stares at ROBBIE.

LON
You don’t need her.

TIM
You don’t need her, / Rob.

LON
She calls, don’t pick up the phone.
She calls him, tyin’ him up. It’s not decent. // She’s not

ROBBIE
Pop

CATCH AS CATCH CAN | 2019

 47
TIM
Hard to move on when your ex is lonely and callin’.

LON
Stressin’ you out. It’s like, here we go again. She was always—I never liked how, so selfish, like can’t
she / see

TIM
(to LON:) I didn’t know her, right? Not really. But the times we talked, she did seem—

TIM catches ROBBIE’s stony expression.

TIM
Yeah but probably it was the language or—never mind.

LON
That wasn’t she was Korean, Tim, that was her.

TIM
Hey forget me, I didn’t know her.

ROBBIE
No, you didn't.

TIM
Yamaha… here’s one for eight hundred

LON
Eight hundred! Highway robbery.

TIM gets lost in the laptop again. A beat.

LON
Just need one buyer.
I’ll throw in delivery.

ROBBIE
Free delivery?
Who you thinkin’ll move her? For free.

LON works on the piano.

ROBBIE
Hm, Pop?

CATCH AS CATCH CAN | 2019

 48
A loud silence.

ROBBIE
Goddamn same old shit, fuckin (slaps the table)

TIM
You take care of things in your own / time, Rob.

ROBBIE
I got it!

LON
The past’s the past, / Rob.

ROBBIE
Not really, / Pop, not really.

ROBBIE stands up.

ROBBIE
Look, I gotta like

TIM closes the laptop.

TIM
Yeah, me too.

TIM stands.

ROBBIE
Yeah ok

ROBBIE takes the laptop, exits

CATCH AS CATCH CAN | 2019

 49
6 ROBERTA LAVECCHIA and LON LAVECCHIA and THERESA PHELAN
and DANIELA and TIM and ROBBIE1

The Lavecchia family room, which also contains a dining area.

ROBERTA enters with an old cardboard box overflowing with a

tangle of Christmas lights—multi-colored mini lights on green wire,
also known as stringers. She sets the box down on the dining table.
She moves an unfinished sewing project off the table and exits.

DANIELA enters from the front hall with an extension leaf for the
dining table. She props the leaf near the table, then lifts the tangle of
stringers out of the cardboard box. It looks like a physical
representation of a migraine headache. She drops the lights back in
the box.

ROBERTA enters with a shopping bag. She pulls out framed photos,
new photo frames, an envelope of photo enlargements, and a
chamois cloth and sets them down.

DANIELA crawls under the dining table and unlatches the hook
holding the table together. ROBERTA moves dining chairs away
from the table to line the wall.

DANIELA and ROBERTA pull the dining table apart for the leaf.

DANIELA
Smells like heaven, Ma—that the sauce?

ROBERTA
(nods) The garlic’s outstanding. Really sweet. Skin came off like (snaps) that. So fresh.
Where’s Robbie?

DANIELA
The store. He’ll be back any sec. I’ll tell him to do the lights? He’s a lot better than me on the lights.

ROBERTA
Did you know Tina was born at St. Joe’s in Riverbank?

DANIELA
Tina? You mean Tina Guttuso?

1 In this scene, the dialogue and activity often overlap as characteristic of the multi-tasking energy of preparing for a party. The
room expands and contracts with general and “private” scraps of conversation in a non sequitur rhythm. Also, the scene’s
activity gradually accelerates, becomes more abstract and fluid, particularly with regard to the doubling.
CATCH AS CATCH CAN | 2019
 50
ROBERTA pulls out a scrap of paper and hands it to DANIELA.

DANIELA
(reading:) “Tina Guttuso: born November 2, 1983 at 2:27 pm. St. Joseph’s Hospital.” Ma, you’re not
seriously

ROBERTA
What if they’re a match?

DANIELA
She’s making cannolis from scratch. No wonder.

ROBERTA
With strawberry filling and chocolate drizzle. Her mother said they’re her great grandmother’s recipe.

DANIELA
(waving the scrap of paper) Ma, don’t waste your money. Even if Tina is up for this, the real / issue

ROBERTA takes the paper back.

ROBERTA
Robbie loves cannolis.

DANIELA places the leaf in the gap separating the table. She and
ROBERTA push the table ends together.

ROBERTA
Your cousin Sal’s coming. Says he’s got a friend, just divorced, no kids, / just a year younger

DANIELA
Cousin Sal? Does he know Agostino’s coming?

ROBERTA
All that’s ancient history now. Even so, not a word about the Spirakis girl.

DANIELA
Busty Bettina.

ROBERTA
Not a word—tell Robbie.

ROBERTA exits. DANIELA exits and re-enters with a cooler.

Noises off.

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 51
DANIELA
Robbie’s back!

DANIELA exits. ROBERTA enters with a dishtowel, wipes the dining

table.

ROBERTA
Robbie, I need you to get the really big folding table—it’s either in the garage or the

LON enters with boxed wine, plastic glasses, and a toolbox.

ROBERTA
Lonnie, where’s the big long folding table?

LON sets stuff down.

LON
How many people we expecting—isn’t it just

ROBERTA
There’s Agostino and his (hand flutter). Ruby Ann and Dante. Gabby, Gio.

LON exits, re-enters with a card table. LON unfolds the legs of the
card table.

ROBERTA
Sal, Gina, Mitzi. Frank, Tommy Joe and Luanne. And all the kids.
And Daniela’s got a friend coming: Tina Guttuso.

LON
A Pre-Christmas Christmas.

ROBERTA
Is the big long table in the basement? I didn’t see it.

ROBERTA exits to the kitchen.

LON assembles a bar on the card table: red boxed wine next to
white boxed wine. Plastic wine glasses. He pours himself a glass of
white.

ROBERTA enters with bags filled with buffet paraphernalia, which

she sets down on the dining table.

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 52
ROBERTA
The folding table, the big one, is it in the—(sees LON with glass of wine) LON!

LON
(spills wine on himself) Ay

ROBERTA
Serves you right. The nurse said Dr. Ramirez / said

ROBERTA uses her dishtowel to swab at the spilled wine on LON

and then the floor. (While she’s down there, she finds a few pieces of
lint and picks these up.)

LON
Aeh

LON moves to where the photo frames are and looks through them.

ROBERTA
I put the one of us in the gold painted frame. The Easter one in the shiny metal goes next to it—but no
fingerprints. I left a

LON waves the chamois cloth at her.

ROBERTA
You got the chamois, good.

ROBERTA exits to the kitchen.

LON assesses the wall from a few steps back, then selects a frame
and goes to the wall to position it.

ROBERTA enters with a tray, napkins, plastic cups, a bowl, and a

spoon; she sets these down on the card table bar. She assembles
napkins, the two different kinds of plastic cups, and the bowl and
spoon on the tray.

LON
We need more chairs—not tables.

LON hammers a nail into the wall and hangs a framed photo.

ROBERTA
But Lonnie: Agostino’s bringing Joey, and Joey might bring a friend, and plus remember how Frank’s not
good without a table. (points at Framed Photo 1) That one’s too low. Higher so people can see.

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 53
LON
Frank can sit his fat ass in the kitchen.

LON positions the frame higher up, marks the wall with a nail.

ROBERTA
Oh: Ruby Ann says Gabby’s doing Weight Watchers again cuz she just had the baby, well not just—but so
make sure to tell Gabby—

The doorbell rings.

LON
Game on.

ROBERTA
(checking her watch) But we still got two hours!

ROBERTA removes her apron.

ROBERTA
Did you remind Robbie about the tree?

The doorbell rings again. ROBERTA goes to the mirror, fusses with
her hair. DANIELA enters with boxes of bottled beer and cider.2

DANIELA
Who’s here already?

A knock on the front door.

ROBERTA
Daniela

DANIELA sets the alcohol on the floor next to the cooler.

DANIELA
I got it.

But before DANIELA can cross the room, THERESA PHELAN enters
with a baking pan covered in foil, gift bags, and her purse.

THERESA
Hello hello!

2 Note the on-stage doubling: both of Actor L/D’s characters are on-stage at the same time.
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 54
ROBERTA
Theresa! I told you not to do anything.

THERESA
Brownies from a box aren’t doing anything.

ROBERTA takes the brownie pan from THERESA. They air-kiss.

ROBERTA
You went to too much trouble. Daniela

DANIELA
Coat check!

THERESA sets the gift bags down, then removes her coat and purse
and gives them to DANIELA.

DANIELA
Is Tim here?

ROBERTA
We were expecting you at 6, / Theresa.

THERESA
He’s getting something from the back seat. (to ROBERTA:) Isn’t it 6?

DANIELA exits with THERESA’s stuff.

ROBERTA
It’s just after 4.

THERESA
So I’ll help.

ROBERTA
There’s nothing to do!

THERESA
What about the antipasti? You know how I am with arranging and assorting and garnishing.

ROBERTA
Sit down. Lon

ROBERTA exits to the kitchen with the pan of brownies.

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 55
LON
Red or white?

THERESA
White. I’ve been having allergies. But first, a visit to the little girls’ room. Is anyone else drinking?
Don’t open if it’s just me.

LON opens the box of white. THERESA exits.

LON
I’ll join ya.

ROBERTA calls from the kitchen.

ROBERTA
Lon’s not drinking!

LON pours two glasses of wine.

ROBERTA enters with bowls and grocery bags of snacks. She

arranges unopened snacks (potato chips, pretzels, cheese doodles,
etc) into bowls on the dining table.

(DANIELA returns with a gold table cloth and a shopping bag of

wrapped gifts.)3

ROBERTA
Daniela, did you see the games in the basement? I pulled out Candyland and Battleship and / Chutes and
Ladders

TIM enters, carrying a Flower Arrangement.

TIM
Delivery for a Roberta Lavecchia? Anyone here by that name?

ROBERTA
Oh my gawww…! I was admiring that at your house / the other day.

DANIELA
I got it. (takes the Flower Arrangement)

ROBERTA
Your mother’s work is very professional, Tim.

3 Entrances and exits in parentheses are implied. In other words, they do not have to be physicalized.
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 56
DANIELA
Gorgeous. Hi, Tim.

TIM
Heya Daniela.

ROBERTA pours Swedish fish into a holiday candy dish.

DANIELA
Where do you want it, Ma?

ROBERTA
Top of the piano. You look tired, Timmy.

ROBERTA examines TIM’s face. DANIELA puts the Flower

Arrangement on the piano.

TIM
Yeah, a little.

ROBERTA
You need to eat.

ROBERTA exits to the kitchen.

LON
Glass of red?

TIM
No thanks, Uncle Lonnie.

LON
You on beer, Tim?

LON opens the cooler, which is empty.

LON
(calls out to the world:) Where’s the ice? We need ice.

TIM
Wow, you guys’re uh (points at the frames and hammer and nails)

LON
Sit down. What’re you drinking?

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 57
TIM
None for me. What can I help with?

LON
I got a job for you, Tim. (indicates the box of lights)

TIM
Sure.

TIM pulls lights out of the box. ROBERTA enters with a meatball on
a fork.

ROBERTA
Timmy, meatball. Good, you’re doing the lights.

DANIELA moves buffet paraphernalia to the side.

DANIELA
No, Tim’s a guest.

TIM
It’s alright.

ROBERTA
Tim’s family.

LON
Tim can handle it. He’s a PhD.

ROBERTA
Timmy, we want to meet her.

(THERESA enters.)

DANIELA puts the gold table cloth on the dining table.

DANIELA
What are you drinking, Tim?

TIM
I’m good for now.

A timer goes off in the kitchen.

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 58
ROBERTA
Oh my god, the shells!

ROBERTA exits. DANIELA sets up the buffet apparatus.

THERESA enters.

THERESA
What can I do? Chips and dips? Knicks and knacks?
Ooh, photos!

THERESA looks at the framed photos and pulls out the

enlargements.

ROBERTA enters.

ROBERTA
How’s the table?

THERESA
(looking at photo, to ROBERTA:) Is this you at Easter?

ROBERTA silently points and counts the number of seats currently

available in the room.

DANIELA
You said we’re doing twelve trays, right, Mom? So we need six of the pans

THERESA
Twelve? Twelve hots?

ROBERTA
(to DANIELA:) Ten of the doubles and one full-size. (to THERESA:) I’m doing four pastas and an
eggplant parm. And: I did four meats.

THERESA
Will there be too much food?

ROBERTA
It’s Cousin Agostino’s fiancée’s first time—and plus family’s driving up from Philly. And anyways, it’s
almost Christmas.

THERESA
Oh, the toilet’s broken. It’s hissing.

LON hammers a nail into the wall.

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 59

ROBERTA
(to LON:) You said you fixed that.

LON
(to THERESA:) Did you jiggle the (moves finger as if pushing a toilet’s flusher up and down)

ROBERTA
Lon, go take a look.

LON exits.

TIM untangles a stringer from the gnarl of stringers.

ROBERTA starts over again with counting the room’s seating.

DANIELA continues to set up the buffet apparatus.

TIM
Ow!

ROBERTA
What’s that, Timmy?

TIM
(to himself:) Fuck. (to the room:) Nothing. Just a scratch.

DANIELA
I’ll get the first aid.

TIM
No, seriously, it’s nothing—busted bulb, I wasn’t looking.

DANIELA
I’ll get a bandaid.

TIM
No. Seriously. Don’t.

ROBERTA
Daniela, can you call Robbie and remind him about the tree?

DANIELA
Sure.

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 60
ROBERTA
It keeps going to voicemail.

THERESA finds a glass of wine.

THERESA
How many we expecting? Is it just family?

ROBERTA
Oh, look at this:

ROBERTA gives THERESA the scrap of paper detailing Tina

Guttuso’s birth information.

THERESA
Oh you got it: “St. Joe’s, November 2, 1982… 2:27 pm”

ROBERTA
I know her mother from bingo.

THERESA
Tina’s that little thing who… short bald fella…?

ROBERTA
Yeah, that’s over.

THERESA
So Glorisha takes this and does a mix and match with Robbie’s

ROBERTA
All goes in the computer—geographical coordinates, exact time of birth. It’s very mathematical. Very
precise.

THERESA
Exact time of birth—(shakes head, low mutter:) Tim won't ask Minjung.

ROBERTA
(takes the scrap of paper back) Something tells me they’re a match.

ROBERTA exits.

DANIELA
Glorisha can’t tell you if someone has a sense of humor.

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 61
THERESA
You’d be surprised. Personality factors in with the rising sign. But look, I don’t know: when it comes to
psychics, I’m agnostic. It was a lark. (unsuccessful whisper:) It’s this thing. I’m tryin’ to get my
bearings, which way to tack my sails. Father Bill was away at a conference and—and there was a deal, for
new clients. I’m just glad I didn’t have to justify it to John, God rest his soul.

LON returns.

THERESA
All fixed?

LON
Yeah, was easy.

LON picks up a framed photo and assesses where it should go.

He hammers a nail in the wall, then hangs the framed photo.

THERESA
A little lower, don’t you think? So people can see.

A short beat.

LON takes the photo down and removes the nail.

He hammers the nail in a lower position.

THERESA re-positions a flower in her Arrangement.

THERESA
I’ve got a real knack for winter flowers.

THERESA moves the Flower Arrangement to the dining table.

LON
You could open a business.

A beat.

THERESA looks out the window and shivers.

THERESA
I still got goosebumps. Should we do a fire?

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 62
LON
Sure. There’s wood down cellar. Where’s Robbie?
Or actually I think we got a Duraflame. Let me check.

TIM
No, Uncle Lon, I’ll go. As soon as I’m done with the lights.

TIM plugs Stringer 1 into an outlet; the lights do not turn on. He
plugs it into the other set of holes in the outlet.

LON
There’s a bulb loose somewhere—they won’t light up / if

TIM
Yeah, yeah, I know

TIM checks and tightens bulb after bulb on Stringer 1.

ROBERTA enters with a large wooden spoon.

ROBERTA
Does this need more salt?

Like kittens to a dish of milk, everyone converges on the wooden

spoon that ROBERTA holds out. One by one, they taste the sauce.

LON
Perfect with your meatballs.

TIM
This could be my dinner—just this.

ROBERTA
We’re drowning in meatballs. Don’t anybody be polite tonight!

DANIELA
Good sauce, Ma.

THERESA
People can always add salt if they need it.

LON pours wine for ROBERTA.

LON
She’s been cooking for two days.

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 63

ROBERTA
Everyone goes home with a Ziploc! Thank you, Lon. (accepts a glass of wine from LON)

THERESA uncovers the keyboard of the piano and performs several

long trills.

THERESA
I tell you I might take lessons again?

DANIELA
I’m in love with the red of this arrangement, Mrs. P. Are these poppies?

THERESA
English primrose.

THERESA peers into the candy dish.

THERESA
Ooh, are these Swedish fish?

Sipping wine, ROBERTA goes to the stereo system, finds box of CDs.

ROBERTA
Where’s my Mel Tormé…? Daniela

THERESA
What’s dessert tonight?

ROBERTA
Tiramisu.

THERESA
With the chocolate chip ladyfingers?

ROBERTA
And a layer of my mother’s sponge cake.

THERESA
Daniela, that color is really good on you.

DANIELA
(flipping through CDs)
Jewel tones. The lady at the store said I should always wear jewel tones.

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 64
THERESA
Is this my wine?

ROBERTA
Father Bill added another charity to the New Year’s Drive. A pediatrics hospital.

THERESA
That’s three now.

ROBERTA
Thank the Good Lord he gave that to Fidelma and Mary Margaret.

THERESA
About time they got to work instead of coasting by / while

ROBERTA
Can you believe we got the Easter baskets / again?

THERESA
Second year in a row!

ROBERTA
I was so psyched.

THERESA
Our baskets are unsurpassed.

ROBERTA
This is true.

THERESA
Which kids are coming tonight?

ROBERTA
Joey’s coming. Agostino’s Joey. Toni and Gina and Vinny. Isabella Marie. Juliet and Roman and Dizzy.
We’re doing birthday candles for all the winter babies—that’s Isabella Marie, Sal, Luanne, and of course
Robbie.

THERESA
Joey… is that the one Lon thinks is gay?

DANIELA
No, that’s Anthony, Sal’s oldest.

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 65
ROBERTA
He’s just sensitive. He’s got piano hands.

LON
He sings in the choir and whitens his teeth.

THERESA
He reminds me so much of Sean. Remember Sean?

ROBERTA
Sal told me he’s not.

DANIELA
Okay, here we go.

The rich tones of the “Velvet Fog” fill the room.

(DANIELA exits.)

THERESA
I read that Korean music is very similar to the Irish ballad. Both express their sad histories.

ROBERTA
You know Koreans are called the Italians of the East, right? Because of the cuisine.

ROBERTA moves the Flower Arrangement from the dining table to

the side table.

THERESA
I thought that was the Chinese with Marco Polo and the noodles.

ROBERTA
We both cook lots of fish. Our arrabiata, their hot chili paste. Not to mention the garlic.

TIM
My mother, leading authority on Marco Polo and the noodles.

ROBERTA exits.

LON
Who has the chamois?

ROBERTA enters from the kitchen, bearing a chafing dish filled with
sausages and peppers. She places this on the gold cloth-covered
dining table.

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 66
ROBERTA
The oven’s about to have a heart attack.
Oh no! This is the wrong cloth. We have a new one. Green.

Stringer 1 lights up.

ROBERTA
Let there be lights! Sausage, Timmy. (hands TIM sausage on a fork)
(to the room:) Cindy’s mother and I bonded over garlic. I still have her recipe for pickled garlic.

TIM assesses the perimeter of the wall near the ceiling.

LON
Tim, there’s (pointing here and there, just below the ceiling)

TIM
I see ‘em, Uncle Lon.

LON
Just use a chair.

ROBERTA peers out the window.

ROBERTA
Do you think Robbie stopped at the pub?
(catching sight of a neighbor’s lawn:) Oh hey, the McArdles finally got a new snowman.

TIM gets a chair and positions it near the wall. He steps up onto the
chair, holding the stringer.

ROBERTA
Be careful, Timmy.

DANIELA enters carrying firewood, paper plates, napkins, flatware,

liters of soda, serving spoons, and a first aid kit. She speaks into a
phone wedged between her ear and shoulder.

DANIELA
Central Av, take the B exit for Central. And then right onto Massasoit for a couple, yep, then the sixth left,
West Massasoit, there’s a school and a White Castle and then—oh, okay. So you and Magda—oh. Oh
yeah, sure. Mhm. How old’s the? Yeah, of course, there’s plenty of—oh, oh yeah? Great. Sure. And
Joey’s coming separate. Okay, see you in a bit, call if you need any—bye, Gus, bye.

DANIELA hangs up. She distributes the stuff she has brought to
various spots around the room. ROBERTA arranges and re-
arranges items on the card table bar, the dining table, etc.

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 67

DANIELA
Cousin Agostino’s fiancé Magda is bringing her best friend Olga Budny, Olga’s boyfriend Ivan, and Ivan’s
got a 16-year old from a previous. Her name’s Katie. She’s a vegan.

A brief beat.

THERESA
Oh my

DANIELA
So that’s… three more chairs.

ROBERTA
I’ve got zucchini fritters, eggplant parmigiana, and stuffed shells.

TIM
Not the eggplant or the shells. She’s vegan, no dairy.

DANIELA
Oh yeah: and Olga’s bringing mushroom pierogis. And tofu blintzes for dessert.

A short, stunned beat. Nervous glances at ROBERTA.

THERESA
Tofu blintzes?

LON
Thank god he’s your blood, not mine.

ROBERTA
(makes a face) Well. I guess. (shakes head) Okay.

TIM
More veal chops for me!

ROBERTA
(sharp gasp) I didn’t do veal chops! Oh no, you love my veal chops!

TIM
I love everything you cook, Aunt Robbie.

ROBERTA
Why didn’t I do veal chops?!

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 68
DANIELA
On the bright side, now he has room for pierogis and blintzes.

ROBERTA
(sharp scowl) Daniela, is that what you’re wearing tonight?

THERESA inspects the gift bags she brought.

THERESA
Roberta, how old is Agostino’s son these days? I brought treats for the kids and

LON
Joey? Joey’s twenty-four.

THERESA
He’s two years out of college?

LON
Didn’t finish. And no job either.

ROBERTA
He had a job.

LON
But his mother made him quit cuz it was Construction.

ROBERTA
Agostino’s at his wit’s end. Joey’s such a mama’s boy / so he just

DANIELA
Hey hey, let’s lay off Joe. He’s a good kid. Ma, there’s a new cloth?

ROBERTA
Yes, a very handsome green. In the kitchen. (points) I got it on clearance at the outlet, reduced by
another 10 percent with a coupon. I did a meat lasagna, Timmy.

ROBERTA exits to kitchen.

DANIELA collects and stacks the buffet apparatus and moves it off
the table.

THERESA counts her gift bags, mentally re-sorts who will get what.

THERESA
I only got toys and games.

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 69

DANIELA
We did books and bubbles.

THERESA
I’ll give Joey chocolate truffles.

LON
Oh yeah: we’re supposed to tell Luanne she’s not fat anymore.

THERESA moves the Flower Arrangement to the Card Table Bar.

THERESA
I thought it was Ruby Ann.

DANIELA
No, it’s Ruby Ann’s daughter.

THERESA
Leanne’s not Ruby Ann’s daughter.

ROBERTA enters with her phone.

ROBERTA
Daniela, something’s happened to Robbie. It goes straight to voicemail.

DANIELA
He just lost track of time.

ROBERTA
None of his friends have seen him today.

TIM
The interstate’s backed up cuz of ice on the roads.

ROBERTA
We need to call the hospitals.

LON
We are not calling the hospitals.

ROBERTA
He could be lying in a ditch somewhere.

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 70
TIM
Probably just sitting in traffic.

LON
Roberta, where’s your wine?

ROBERTA exits.

LON steps back, makes a right angle ruler with his hands, lines it up
with another framed photo on the wall.

THERESA
I love Swedish fish, but I have to be in the mood.

LON steps back more, looks at the framed photo in the overall
context of the wall.

LON
Aw, jeez, it’s / off-center. Roberta’s gonna

LON walks back to the wall.

TIM
Nobody cares, Mom.

A beat as LON removes the framed photo, pulls the nail out.

THERESA
You know, I can’t really say whether I believe. What I really think is that people who are psychics, what
we call psychic powers, is just a very sensitive intuition. And tremendous empathy and compassion.
Maybe that’s what therapy is, too? I wouldn’t know. I’ve never had to go.

THERESA absently looks again at the photos.

LON hammers a nail.

LON
I wonder how many times she’s asked Gloria when I’m gonna die.

THERESA
Oh but Glorisha’s not a psychic. She’s very clear about that. She doesn’t predict the future. She’s an
analyst. An astrological analyst. Semi-predictive. It’s another avenue of information. It’s all about your
native conditions, how the universe is impacting you since birth, where the stars are now, where they’re
going, who you want in your life, who you don’t, when’s a good time to start a business or have a baby or
sell your house or engage in risky behavior.

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 71

TIM picks up a new snarl of stringers, drops them back in the box.

DANIELA
Tim, you’re sweating. Take a load off.

THERESA
He’s been working too hard. So many companies want him. And his current company is losing its mind
to keep him. He’s a manager. Very valuable.

ROBBIE enters, carrying a grocery bag.

ROBBIE
Hey

THERESA
(high-pitched) !! Robbie !!

Startled, LON stumbles.

THERESA
Robbie, you’re mother’s been—(yelling off:) Roberta! (to ROBBIE:) She’s been worried / sick—

LON trips and falls to the floor.

ROBBIE
Pop!

ROBBIE runs to his dad’s side.

THERESA shrieks. (DANIELA enters.)

TIM
Stop screaming!
!Fuck!

TIM moves to help LON. ROBBIE points at LON’s cane.

ROBBIE
Cane.

TIM fetches LON’s cane.

TIM
Christ.

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 72

ROBERTA enters.4

ROBERTA
What’s happening? Lon!

ROBERTA rushes to LON’s side.

LON
I’m okay.

THERESA
It all happened so fast. Just like when John—so I, I mean / I didn’t mean to, but

DANIELA
Here, Dad, drink some water. (to ROBERTA:) He slipped and fell.

ROBERTA
Daniela, Dad’s wine glass, put it away.
Lon, sit down.

LON
I'm fine.

ROBERTA
Sit.
Robbie, where’ve you been?

LON
She almost called 911.

THERESA
We were gonna send out Search and Rescue.

ROBERTA
Lon, your only job for the rest of the night is to relax and eat. (kisses LON’s forehead)
And talk to Frank about his business.

LONNIE
Oh yeah—how’s that relaxing?
(addressing the room:)
Show’s over! Everyone but me: back to work!

4 This marks the first moment that all characters are in the family room—and on-stage—together.
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 73
ROBERTA
Back to work, back to work.

DANIELA
Tim, you’re sweating like a—you coming down with something?

TIM
I’m okay.

ROBBIE holds a grocery bag out to DANIELA.

ROBBIE
I got the last pack of Sterno.

DANIELA
We got a case of Sterno from Costco.

ROBBIE
OK.
ROBBIE tosses the Sterno aggressively into the box labeled XMAS.

DANIELA
Robbie!

TIM
Sterno doesn’t go bad.

DANIELA peers at ROBBIE who has a fat lip and a slight limp.

DANIELA
(quietly) What happened to you?

ROBBIE
Slipped on the ice.

DANIELA
Ice did that to you?

ROBBIE drinks beer.

DANIELA
Robbie

ROBBIE
(belches)

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 74

ROBBIE plants himself in front of the sausage platter. He spears

sausages and stuffs them in his mouth, one after another, like a
factory assembly line.

DANIELA pours herself wine and takes a nice long vacation of a sip.

THERESA
Feel my hands.

THERESA lays her hands on DANIELA’s arm. DANIELA squeaks

and jumps.

THERESA
See? Icicles for fingers.
…
What’s that smell?

ROBERTA gasps.

ROBERTA
The rolls!

ROBERTA darts to the kitchen. A moment of mourning for the rest.

THERESA
Is this my wine?

THERESA drinks from a glass that’s not hers.

LON
We can get you a refresh, Tess.

TIM
Slow it down, Ma.

DANIELA
Mrs. P, can I get you a plate of sausages?

DANIELA swabs at TIM’s face with napkins.

DANIELA
Timberly, you wanna go upstairs and lie down?

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 75
TIM
I’m okay.

An aggrieved ROBERTA appears at the kitchen door.

ROBERTA
We need more rolls. Robbie

DANIELA
I’ll go.

TIM takes the napkins from DANIELA.

TIM
Thanks, Dani, I got it, I got it.

TIM wipes his face.

ROBERTA
But I want from Nick’s. It’s a road trip.

DANIELA
I drive fast.

THERESA finds the Nativity set.

THERESA
Oh hey, I’ll do the Nativity. Where does it go?

DANIELA
I don’t know we have room, Mrs. P.

ROBERTA
Get six dozen.

THERESA
No room for the Nativity?

LON
Six dozen!? What are we going to do with seventy-two rolls…!?

ROBERTA
For the doggie bags. Whatever’s left, I’ll freeze.

LON
All our money goes to food freezing in the basement.

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 76
THERESA
I’ll put the Nativity right here unless—oh, is that where the tree’s going?

ROBERTA
Oh, no, the tree—Robbie forgot the tree!

LON
We’ll get the plastic tree from the basement, Roberta.

ROBERTA
I don’t want a fake tree!

THERESA
A fake tree won’t impress the Polish.

ROBBIE opens another beer.

ROBBIE
The trees were all dinky.

LON
The Polish are coming! The Polish are coming!

ROBBIE
Who? What? What’s Polish?

LON
You missed everything while you were out not getting a tree, Rob: Polish invasion in an hour.

THERESA
The veal chops controversy.

ROBERTA
The sauce.

DANIELA
Robbie, get a tonic for Tim.

ROBBIE offers the beer to TIM.

ROBBIE
Here.

TIM
I’m not drinking.

ROBBIE gets a cider, opens it, gives it to TIM.

CATCH AS CATCH CAN | 2019
 77

ROBBIE
Alright: warm cider for the pussy.

DANIELA
Okay, I’m going for rolls.

ROBERTA
Breadsticks, too. Take my purse. Oh and some coffee milk.

THERESA
Glad garbage bags.

LON
Stop at the liquor store: champagne for Agostino and his whatsername. Magda.

THERESA
Where’d the matches go? I’m really good at starting a fire.

ROBERTA
We got two bottles left over from Little Frank’s christening.

LON
Not anymore.

TIM
(under his breath:) You fucking kidding me, / Ma?

ROBERTA
God is watching you, Lon.

TIM takes a long drink from the cider.

ROBERTA
Pick up string beans, asparagus, and a head of cauliflower.
Oh and some holiday napkins. Some fun ones, like with snowmen.

DANIELA picks up her purse.

TIM
(quietly:) Daniela, you leaving now?

DANIELA
Yeah, you need something?

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 78
ROBBIE
I’m upstairs.

ROBBIE exits.

TIM
Actually I was thinking… (nods toward the front hall)

DANIELA
Oh yeah sure, come on.

ROBERTA
(calls after ROBBIE:) But come down later.

DANIELA
Alright: Tim and I are going to the store.

ROBERTA
(again to ROBBIE:) Cannolis for dessert!
(to DANIELA:) Tim too?

DANIELA and TIM move to exit.

ROBERTA
Okay, but be back, we’re eating soon as people arrive. Theresa, I turned up the heat. Lon, I want the
lights up before the kids get here. Maybe that’ll cheer Robbie up.

The doorbell rings. ROBERTA checks her watch.

ROBERTA
It’s still not six. Who is that?

ROBERTA takes the Flower Arrangement off to the kitchen.

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 79
7 DANIELA and TIM

The Lavecchia driveway. DANIELA has just parked the car. TIM is
in the passenger seat. DANIELA undoes her seatbelt. TIM does not.

DANIELA
Shouldna let you pay for the champagne.

TIM
It’s my wedding gift to Cousin Agostino and his fiancée.

DANIELA
Mom thinks she’ll cheat on him, doesn’t want Gus to go through with it. But I didn’t tell you that.

TIM
Then it’s better I paid, not you.

DANIELA
(checks her watch) Mom’ll be screamin’ for the rolls.

TIM
Could we, could we just… just a little longer.

DANIELA
What, you’re not dyin’ to jump back in the Lavecchia nuthouse?

TIM
(closes his eyes) I just need a minute.

DANIELA
Yeah sure, Tim.

TIM
…

DANIELA
I can roll down a window?

TIM
No, it’s okay.
…
(opens eyes, with sudden energy:) Wanna go get some Dunks?

DANIELA
Dunks? Now? There’s a huge spread in there. My Mom’ll kill me.

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 80
TIM
(closes eyes, subdued) Yeah, forget it. I just need… just one more minute.

DANIELA puts a hand on his forehead.

TIM
Mm, that’s nice, thank / you.

DANIELA
Gettin’ clammy again. You’re gettin’ sick. I think I got an Advil.

TIM
I’ll be okay.

DANIELA
Let’s get you inside.

DANIELA grabs her purse.

TIM
No.

TIM grabs DANIELA’s arm, pulls her closer.

TIM
Let’s just… this is helping. Seriously, this feels so good. It’s like, I don’t know: coming home. Finally.

DANIELA
Oh, Tim. You’ve been away too long.

DANIELA hugs TIM. He lets out a big sigh.

TIM
That’s better.

The beep of a text.

DANIELA
Timmy, you been working too / hard.

TIM
Hey, I heard about that dummy Sam. You’ll see: he’ll come crawling back any day now.

DANIELA
Mm. Yah, I don’t get why everyone assumes I’m the one got dumped.

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 81
TIM
Oh shit. I’m a fuckin' asshole.

DANIELA glances at her phone.

DANIELA
They want their rolls.

TIM
Daniela, I

TIM looks at DANIELA for a moment, then kisses her.

DANIELA
Oh my god.

DANIELA kisses TIM again. DANIELA pulls back. TIM turns away.

DANIELA
Why’d you do that?

TIM
Thought that’s what you wanted.

DANIELA
Me?

TIM
I’m sorry.

DANIELA
No, it’s, it’s okay.

TIM
Like kissing your brother, / right?

DANIELA
No, no, it’s—I mean, Tim: you’re getting married.

TIM
…

DANIELA
You’re marrying for love, right? Please tell me you’re marrying for love.

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 82
TIM
I. I uh. I don’t know what love is. Do you?

DANIELA
Uh. Yeah, I do.

TIM
So tell me

DANIELA
Well, y’know they say you know it when you know it?

TIM
Yeah, real helpful.

DANIELA
I know, but. It’s true. It’s like

TIM
Yeah?

DANIELA
Well like… like you don’t decide you like the sun, you just go to the beach. Eat a Dunk, no one has to tell
you tastes good.

TIM
What if you can’t taste?

DANIELA
What do you mean?

TIM
Never mind.

DANIELA
Like when something’s funny to you, but you can’t explain it

TIM
Yeah okay (closes his eyes)

DANIELA
When you see Minjung, you ever just feel like laughin’—this is stupid, forget it.

TIM
Yeah, forget it.

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 83
DANIELA
Okay, I gotta get these rolls inside.

TIM
No, wait. Y'mean like the feeling of being home.

DANIELA
Yeah exactly and see, nobody has to tell you how that feels.

TIM
I feel that way when I’m with you.

DANIELA
You’re home for me, too, Timmy. You always have been.

TIM
I know. Thing is, though

DANIELA
Minjung.

TIM
No

DANIELA
Not Minjung

TIM
No, thing is, I just. I. I could never go in that direction with you. You’d divorce me.

DANIELA
Do you love Minjung?

TIM
Daniela

DANIELA
Yeah?

TIM
Daniela, I’m kinda not engaged.

DANIELA
Oh no. I’m sorry. What happened? You guys fight?

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 84
TIM
…

DANIELA
(incredulous) She dump you?

TIM
Daniela
I was kinda never engaged. I was kinda never seeing anyone named Minjung. I kinda… made it all up.

A short beat.

DANIELA
Tim, you’re fuckin’ shitting me.

TIM
… I uh

DANIELA
Holy—you’re serious? Do you even know someone—I actually feel bad for her—does she even exist?
This is too weird.

TIM
I don’t know what I—I was talking to Mom and then
Minjung’s my friend that wanted my sperm.

DANIELA
Oh my god

TIM
Mom met her years ago when she was my housemate.

DANIELA
You tell her Minjung wants / your

TIM
Want-ed—past tense. Mom was—she asked about her and I was playing around… and then suddenly it
was a thing I let her think. Kinda fun, like when I was a kid.

DANIELA
That’s kinda crazy, Tim.

TIM
I know.

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 85
DANIELA
No, I mean: that’s fucked up. Your mother’s planning wedding flowers! She bought a whole kit!

A short beat.

TIM
But maybe it means… we can figure this out.

DANIELA
Whoa whoa whoa—what? Tim. Tim, you gotta sort this out. You gotta talk to your Mom. You think I’m
gonna figure stuff out with you before—do you have any idea how that would freak everyone out?

TIM
Who would have to know?

DANIELA
What? Um, excuse me? I’m not some Random. Okay, I’m gettin’ / outta here.

TIM
No, shit, no. Daniela. Stop.

DANIELA
This is real for me, Tim, not some kinda—you know me: I’ll go the distance. I’ll learn to fly to make
something work. This is—oh my fucking geez. You know what, I gotta (shakes her head)
I don’t want to talk anymore. This doesn’t feel—are you even…? There’s something / not

TIM
Can you just hold me?

DANIELA
Timmy

TIM
Daniela, please (sits back, closes his eyes)

DANIELA
Tim.

TIM doesn’t move.

DANIELA
I need you to look at… Tim

TIM opens his eyes, turns to look at her.

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 86
8 THERESA PHELAN and TIM

THERESA primps in front of a mirror.

THERESA
So I’ll bring back lots of ideas, lots of photos. It’s in the hothouse, so there’ll be a wide variety of florals,
so whatever season you and Minjee settle on, if you two ever get around to setting a date, I’ll have a good
reference. And don’t worry, I’m not going out of my way. I love this part, the research, my kind of fun.
Who knows, maybe a side business: Flowers by Theresa.

My favorite display is the orchids—so unoriginal, I know, the orchids, the orchids. But maybe there’s a
reason they’re everyone’s favorite. They’re strong and they last and last, even though they look so
delicate, so feminine. Remember Dad got me an orchid every Easter? He said they reminded him of me.

So much to learn about the care and the cultivation. The educational displays, you know how I love those.
I could have been a plant biologist, I had the interest. Flowers, y’know, have both male and female parts
—but did you know sometimes a sperm and an egg from the same flower can fuse? Or maybe landscape
architecture, but back then women didn’t (shakes head, sighs). But I met your father and brought you and
Owen into the world, which of course I’m grateful for. But naturally I can’t help wonder what if.

We’ll go to the Japanese tea garden for an early dinner—Harris and I make a day of it. So I’ll be gone ‘til
dark, but there’s cold cuts and a fresh loaf of the rye you like from Vern’s.

TIM
Where’s the car?

THERESA
I’m taking the car, remember?

TIM
Is the car here?

THERESA
I’m sorry. I volunteered to drive. Harris needs a new muffler.

TIM
Is the car in the driveway?

THERESA
You heard me say there’s food in the fridge, right?
But I guess you could always get delivery.

TIM
It’s better if he thinks I’m out.

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 87
THERESA
The car’ll be gone all day. I’d make you a sandwich, but they’re giving calendars out to the first hundred,
and Harris really wants—so I should go now. Timmy, did you talk to Minjin like you said you would?

TIM
Gave me a dirty look.

THERESA
Mingjin?

TIM
Mr. Frankl

THERESA
Mr. Frankl? Next door Mr. Frankl?

TIM
We argued about his tree.

THERESA
Oh, him and his beautiful tree. He won’t let anyone touch it even though it hangs over our side, which is
fine until it sheds, and for forty years not once has he offered to rake. Listen, all I need to know is what
season we’re talking about. I’m calling in all my favors for you, the least you could—if you and Minjee
could narrow it down, I can at least plan a color scheme.

TIM
I’m not the one with the problem.

THERESA
There’s no problem.

TIM
There’s no problem.

THERESA
I didn’t say there’s a—please don’t—would I be planning flowers if there was a problem?

TIM
It’s cold.

THERESA
Thermostat’s at 75. Put on a sweater.

TIM
I’m freezing.

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 88

THERESA
You always were such a hothouse flower.
You comin’ down with something?

THERESA puts her hand on TIM’s forehead.

THERESA
No fever. Have some vitamin C. How ‘bout a cuppa tea?

TIM
…

THERESA
I only got herbal. I can pick you up some green.

TIM
…

THERESA
Tim? Y’want tea or not?

TIM
…

THERESA
Rest. Watch a movie. I haven’t been bothering you. Nobody asks you to do anything. Even though I
could use help, as I told you, with the garage door opener, which’ll only take a second. I think these little
things, little mundane chores could take your mind off of—

An explosion:

TIM
I SAID I’LL FIX IT!

THERESA
…

TIM
I’m sorry, Mom.

THERESA
(stinging) Clearly you and Minjing had a fight, and you’re taking it out on me. Surprise, surprise.

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 89
TIM
He thinks I’m anti-semitic. I just asked whether he’d—

THERESA
It’s like you’re trying to create something between her and me. But you won’t catch me flat-footed.

TIM
Dad says he’s not trustworthy.

THERESA
You treat me like a stranger, and I’m the one that’s all alone. But I don’t do self-pity.

TIM
…

THERESA
I’m a woman, living alone.

TIM
I need to go to the hospital.

THERESA
You need to fly to the moon? Why would you need to do that, sweetheart?

TIM
…

THERESA
Y’know, sitting around in the dark isn’t doing you any good. You need sunshine.

TIM
Don’t open the shades.

THERESA
It’s broad daylight, Tim.

TIM
Don’t open them.

THERESA
Gonna watch a movie? That’s not a bad idea.
Or when’s the last time you talked to Mingjing? Give her a call.

TIM
I hardly said anything, and now (shakes head)

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 90

THERESA
Watch a movie, Tim.

TIM
I didn’t mean (shakes head)

THERESA
Tim

TIM
…

THERESA
Okay, I’m gone!

THERESA exits.

TIM
Tell him I’m not home.

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 91
9 THERESA PHELAN and LON LAVECCHIA5

THERESA
Hospital? What are you talking about? I think you’re being a little dramatic.

LON
Don’t worry, you’re gonna get relief, you’ll see. Just a little stress.
I can roll down a window?

THERESA
Tim doesn’t need the hospital.

LON
Your father was the same way. You’re just like him.

THERESA
And you decided you’re taking him, / just like that?

LON
He was a good man. The Best.

THERESA
Talking to himself? I do that. I don’t need the hospital.

LON
I miss him too, Tim.

THERESA
Where’s Mungjin? Why isn’t she here? Shouldn’t she be helping?

LON
You kidding me? I’m overrun with women. Roberta counts twice. I’m outnumbered.

THERESA
He might feel better if he speaks to her, Daniela. Have you / called her?

LON
Tim?
Tim.

LON/DANIELA takes TIM/THERESA’s hand.

5 THERESA and LON connect as if they’re in the same conversation.

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 92

LON
Here, take my hand. It’s okay, I’m your Uncle Lonnie. It’s okay.

THERESA
Daniela, the doctors don’t know anything. They start creating problems until they find one they can fix.
Remember with Tim's Uncle Gerry? And my sister-in-law’s uterus?

LON
Good, yeah. Close your eyes. I’m right here.

THERESA
You want me to go easy on him. Okay, I been too fussy with the flowers. But this whole thing was
sprung on me. Why they doing it out here if they don’t want my help?

LON
…

THERESA
Timmy’s just getting cold feet. It’s a Phelan tradition.

LON
…

THERESA
Daniela, I know your heart is gold, always a soft spot for Tim, but this is—you need to back off.

LON
Tim.

THERESA
At your age, with no one, not even a baby, I’d be going crazy too.
Y’know, women are doing it on their own now.

LON
…

THERESA
Tim has a mother, Daniela. I’m sorry to speak so directly, but you need to find your own child.

LON
Timmy, can you hear me?

THERESA reacts to what she hears as if she’s been called a racial

epithet. A brief, stunned kapow of a beat.

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 93

LON
Who you talking to? Hmm?

THERESA
He never said any such—did you just make that up? Tim would never. Hurt me?

LON
Timmy, look at me.
Should we wait for Daniela? We don’t have to, we can go right now.

THERESA
Tim just got a new job!

LON
Look, I’ll take you right now. (rummages in his pockets)
Ah, shit, don’ have the keys.

LON reaches to the front seat.

THERESA
I do not agree with Tim going to the hospital. No.

LON honks the car horn.

From inside her house, THERESA hears a car horn in the distance.

LON
Daniela’s comin’ out any second, Tim.

THERESA
Your father? Your father’s in the car with him?
Why didn’t you—never mind.

THERESA exits.

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 94
10 THERESA PHELAN and TIM, LON LAVECCHIA and DANIELA,
ROBERTA LAVECCHIA and ROBBIE

TIM sits upright in a hospital bed with a bandage around his head.
He holds his right arm up in a stiff vertical position. He wears a
hospital gown. An IV is hooked up to his left arm.

DANIELA sits in a chair near the bed.

A Nurse sits in a corner of the room.

A phone rings. DANIELA finds her phone in her purse, silences it.

THERESA6
Y’know, the thing of it is I almost got the travel insurance. Saved two years for this trip.

LON
You could talk to the airline.

THERESA
My great-uncle in Kilkenny turns 98. Won’t see him again.

ROBBIE arrives with a bag of take-out food.

ROBERTA
But then, so wait — they’re back at Sloan General?

THERESA
To get the stitches.

ROBBIE pulls styrofoam food containers out of the bag.

ROBERTA
But wasn’t it Langley-Moss they—weren’t they waitin’ and waitin’ to / get to Langley-Moss?

LON
Over 33 hours they were waitin’

DANIELA rolls a wheeled tray-table to TIM. ROBBIE offers a

container of food to TIM. TIM shakes his head.

6 ACTOR T/T speaks THERESA’s dialogue and performs TIM’s actions — likewise with ACTOR R/R (ROBERTA’s dialogue/
ROBBIE’s actions) and ACTOR L/D (LON’s dialogue/DANIELA’s actions).
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 95
ROBERTA
Nothing should take 33 hours.

LON
It’s the time of year, the holidays. No beds.

ROBERTA
Then why are they back at Sloan General?

ROBBIE puts a food container on the table. With his left hand, TIM
waves in refusal at the container.

THERESA
Shoulda just waited at home.

LON
It was a 72-hour hold, he wasn’t allowed to leave.

THERESA
(sighs) Better at Sloan than Langley-Moss, I guess.

DANIELA opens the Styrofoam container and offers it to TIM again.

TIM shakes his head.

LON
Daniela said it was right out of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's

DANIELA gently pulls at TIM’s right arm and manages to get it

down half-way, but TIM thrusts it straight up again. DANIELA tries
again, but TIM keeps it rigidly vertical.

ROBBIE receives a text. He looks at his phone, then offers TIM a

can of soda.

ROBERTA
So he’s just getting stitches?

DANIELA takes the soda, opens it.

LON
The CT scan checked out okay, so, yeah, just the cuts.

DANIELA opens a straw and places it in the opening. She offers the
soda to TIM.

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 96
ROBERTA
How’d he slip and fall twice?

THERESA
He didn’t slip and fall, Roberta.

TIM drinks soda.

ROBERTA
Robbie said he hit his head

THERESA
Twice.

LON
Self-inflicted, Roberta.

THERESA
Against the bathroom sink at Langley-Moss.

ROBERTA
Self-inflicted? You mean he

LON
Langley-Moss is the mental ward, Roberta.

ROBERTA
Yeah but
(sudden sharp intake of breath)
Oh, Sweet Jesus

THERESA
Two cuts, right below the hairline.

ROBERTA
Why would he do such a thing?

A beat as DANIELA watches TIM. TIM picks up the fork awkwardly

with his left hand and pokes at the food. TIM nods.

LON
His blood pressure got high. Like scary high.

ROBERTA
The stress of the situation

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 97

ROBBIE shovels food into his mouth. DANIELA eats pasta as if it’s
a race.

THERESA
You’re goddamn right—he shouldn’t be there in the first place. Most doctors are literally stupid. They
misdiagnose and mix up prescriptions and leave scissors in people’s stomachs.

TIM tries to take a bite, but can’t manage the fork with his left hand.

LON
They got him to sleep, Tess.

ROBERTA
That’s so good. He wasn’t sleeping. Daniela said less than two hours per night for weeks.

ROBBIE receives a text, but he doesn’t look at his phone.

LON
That’s how POWs get tortured.

A beat. DANIELA and ROBBIE and TIM drink soda.

LON
They gave him something

THERESA
Ativan. They say it’s just like Tylenol, but extra-strength. That’s all it is.

LON
He wouldn’t swallow the pill, so they had to pump it into him, through one of those uh

THERESA
An IV.

ROBBIE receives three texts in a row, checks his phone.

LON
It helped: you saw him. Back to normal.

DANIELA downs her soda, then continues eating, though now at the
pace of a jog.
THERESA
What and now I throw a party? My son has two gashes on his head, blood pressure so high nearly had a
stroke, they give him Tylenol, he falls asleep, and you want me to believe they helped him?

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 98
ROBERTA
Theresa

THERESA
I hope Daniela knows she made a big mistake taking him in.

LON
Hospital’s not what made him sick.

THERESA
He’ll have a scar.

ROBBIE texts.

ROBERTA
Daniela said they’re doing a really thorough work-up: diet, exercise

LON
drugs, hereditary, environmental, lack / of sleep

THERESA
We have no family history of this! Casting aspersions—Daniela better watch herself!

With his left hand, TIM flings his food container off the tray-table.
Spaghetti and meatballs splatter across the floor. (TIM keeps his
right arm suspended vertically throughout.)

DANIELA’s head snaps to attention. ROBBIE jumps to his feet.

Both stare at the mess on the floor, then stare at TIM for a long
moment.

ROBERTA
There’s no judgment here, Theresa.

LON
Daniela’s just repeating what the doctor

ROBBIE rolls the tray-table away from TIM. TIM leans back and
closes his eyes.

Moving with studied calm, DANIELA closes her food container and
sets it aside. She goes to the spaghetti wreckage on the floor.
ROBBIE gets the trashcan, then stoops down to help DANIELA
clean.

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 99
The Nurse exits.

THERESA
And to think I was to have a cream tea at the Savoy next Tuesday.
I am gettin’ depressed. I’ll go home now, goodbye.

ROBERTA
I just had a brainwave: go on your trip, Theresa, don’t cancel. Tim can stay over with us.

DANIELA points at TIM.

LON
(lowered voice, to ROBERTA:) Next week we got that appointment

ROBBIE straightens up, steps closer to the bed and watches TIM.

ROBERTA
We’ll re-schedule.

THERESA
It’s not your problem.

DANIELA scoops food off the floor and throws it away.

LON
(clears throat) Uh, sure, we got the space.

ROBERTA
He can stay in Daniela’s old room. It’s just sitting there empty.

LON
Maybe I’ll sit down with Tim. Talk to him.

THERESA
Lonnie, that would be wonderful. That’s exactly what Tim needs.

The Nurse returns with paper towel and a spray bottle. DANIELA
and the Nurse clean the floor.

LON
I think if I can remind him of who he is, what’s important

ROBERTA
He can get very stressed, very wound up—so easy to lose sight of things, for any of us.
Maybe better if you’re not around, Theresa. Something like this, who knows?

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 100

THERESA
(nodding loudly) I was just about to say

The Nurse checks the IV.

ROBERTA
Timmy’s our second son, Tess.

THERESA
If it wasn’t for my great-uncle, to see him again before he passes into the next world—that’s why I’m
flyin’ over there in the first place. This is a real boon, Lon, Roberta. I don’t know if I can accept.

TIM lowers his right arm slowly, then drops it to his side.

LON
We’re happy to do it, Tess.

DANIELA cleans food off TIM. ROBBIE leans against the wall,
texting.

ROBERTA
You’re our nearest and dearest.

TIM yawns, closes his eyes. He falls asleep.

LON
You’re not alone with this. We’re here.

The Nurse resumes sitting in the corner of the room.

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 101
11 DANIELA and TIM

DANIELA is alone on stage. 7

DANIELA
Phelps Memorial, so then he’d go to Goldberg? Ok, just please don’t take him to Langley-Moss. He was
just there last week, he had a bad experience, don’t take him there. Thank you, thank you so much, you
guys are awesome. Tell him I’ll be there in a few minutes ago, he seemed completely fine—firearms?
No, no firearms—look, Officer, he’s a very normal, very educated—no, no, he normally lives in
California, I mean but he also lives here, he grew up here, but not here in this house, this is my parents’
house. His house is on Myrtle, I mean his family house, his mother lives there, but he’s been here for the
past week he started the IOP, which he didn’t like but he was going. And he’s on Effexor, 50 milligrams.
Abilify, 10 milligrams. Amitriptyline, 10 milligrams for sleep, though he mentioned it wasn’t helping
that (into phone) much, I guess, Stacey. Yeah, I did try to tell you, didn’t I? You said I could call you,
but I guess that doesn’t mean you’d ever return my calls! I left very clear messages on the staff voicemail.
The least you could do is ask him directly why he wanted to switch his psychiatrist there was going to
taper him off Effexor, 50 milligrams. Abilify, 10 milligrams. Amitriptyline, 10 milligrams for sleep was
really bad, not more than 2 hours a night for weeks he said they wanted to give him something different,
that the Effexor wasn’t—oh shit. Excuse me, sorry, but I forgot to tell Dr. Rigney about the Ativan. He
had a really huge response to Ativan the last time—could you tell Dr. Rigney? Thank you so much,
Melanie, thank you, Blanca. (loud sigh) Yes, fine, I’ll wait. But let me get this straight: you can’t even
give a message to someone to give to him so he knows I’m here (into phone) it’s someone named Vadim,
Dosh Vadim. Fuck, Janine, I don’t know what I’d do without you, I mean how do people do this without
someone on the inside—no, I’m sorry, Janine, I really can’t talk about it, not now he’s got no clothes?
What do you mean? Where’d they go? You guys had him back there and then you transferred him—
maybe at the ED or the ambulance or, I mean, they’ve got to be somewhere along the cyclothymic
spectrum, right, okay. That sounds right, Dr. Vadim, thank you, that’s very clear, so then Effexor
definitely wouldn’t be the right thing because then when are the meetings? Um. I’ll take the information,
but. I’m sure people find it helpful, but for me, this (into phone) is not cool, Janine. I know I know I
know, but I’m just about to see him and—no, I don’t know the difference between—but he’s not, he’s not
a sociopath. Fuckin’ look, Janine, I really can’t think about that shit right now, plus you say we all have
pathologies, you’re always telling me I can’t bring him anything? Nothing with shoelaces, I get that (into
phone) is ridiculous. Don’t you guys have a system, what happened to the system, he definitely came in
wearing clothes. I mean this is the last thing anyone should have to be (into phone) going into visiting
hours, Janine, and now you got me all freaked out, which is totally not what did you say? His what? Oh,
uh, we’re not… I mean. He said—um, well sort of, yeah. I, I. It’s. You know I think I should talk to him
before—oh sure, sure, I’ll sign any—oh, of course, he’s gotta sign. Oh, so, I shouldn’t’ve been like uh,
like with the doctor—yeah, I’m sure he’ll sign—right, right, sorry and (into phone) shoes, really nice
shoes, yeah yeah I’ll find out the brand, yeah you will have to replace every time he went, he seemed
better, but not allowed in there? Even if I promise to hold onto my purse—fine, give me a locker. And
then do I keep the key or—oh, right, I give it to you. But I keep my ID? Sorry you have to keep repeating

7 Words that “bridge” between different conversations are in bold. DANIELA’s demeanor shifts with every new person she
addresses, but the flow of words is seamless.
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 102
DANIELA (cont’d)
yourself, Blanca, but these things have been better. But you seem really nice, Aoki, I’m glad he’s
assigned to you look okay.

DANIELA is inside a psychiatric ICU, facing TIM.

TIM wears a shirt inside-out, and his sneakers have no laces. Other
than that, he appears the same as usual.

TIM
Check out nine o’clock—your nine o’clock—with the tray. That Ben Franklin? Or his long-lost twin
brother who’s actually his sister?

DANIELA
Tim

TIM
Lost your sense of humor?

DANIELA
It’s been a little tough.

TIM
They’re feeding us graham crackers and Sunny D. I know “tough.” (sniffs, grimaces, then lowers his
voice) You smell that? I mean, come on.

DANIELA
Tim, this is serious.

TIM
Look around, Dani

DANIELA
At least this is better than that other ICU. I know we’re in the basement here, but you / can’t tell.

TIM
I don’t belong here. You can see that.
You’ve got to get me out of here. Like now.

DANIELA
Tim, you can’t just go in and out of the hospital like this.

TIM
You got me in here.

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DANIELA
Uh, Tim, you know what just happened, right?

TIM
It wasn’t real. I fell asleep.

DANIELA
With a belt around your neck?

TIM
It wasn’t
I wasn’t

DANIELA
You could’ve died.

TIM
That would’ve been better.

DANIELA
Okay, so that’s why you’re here.

TIM
Would’ve been better than this, I mean. I’m not gonna make it in here. Daniela, seriously. (suddenly
aggressive:) If you hadn’t called 911, if you hadn’t lost your / shit

DANIELA
Tim, this is not something I did.

TIM
Okay, okay. Look, forgive me, I know that must’ve been really scary.

DANIELA
Understatement of the year.

TIM
Look, this is a wake-up call.

DANIELA
You said last time was a wake-up call.

TIM
That wasn’t
This wasn’t

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DANIELA
Last time was bad enough. But then you go and do this to yourself? In my parents’ home?

TIM
I’m sorry. Please tell them I’m sorry. Are they really, / I mean

DANIELA
Forget it. You’re sick. Everyone understands that. At least you’re okay.

TIM
Dani, I can’t be in here overnight.

DANIELA
Tim. They told me you said I was your wife.

The tiniest of pauses.

TIM
Makes things easier. You know everything anyways. The doctor said he’ll sign / the

DANIELA
I’m… I’m at a loss. You really / thought

TIM
Can we go home please?

DANIELA
You thought that would fly?

A short beat.

TIM
Where’s my mother? Does she know I’m here?

DANIELA
Of course. We called her after the ambulance took you away. She’s flying back early.

TIM
When’s she get here?

DANIELA
Look, you’re here for 72 hours. At a minimum. Again. So no point her getting back before then.

TIM
Dani, the doctor said if you’re willing to take / me, I could leave.

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 105
DANIELA
Tim, like this isn’t—I can’t make that decision.

TIM
Where’s Robbie?

DANIELA
He’s at work until I don’t know.

TIM
Daniela, please. Come on, Dan, I need sleep. I can’t sleep here. I need to be home. With you.

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12 THERESA, DANIELA, ROBERTA, TIM, LON, ROBBIE

THERESA
No, no. Another doctor?

DANIELA
The best outcomes, what all the doctors and nurses / say

THERESA
No more doctors.

DANIELA
Both psychiatry and psychotherapy, Aunt Theresa. Talk therapy, not just pills.

ROBERTA
He needs the talk therapy, Tess.

DANIELA
So I called the list of referrals, / was hit or miss, some booked for months,

ROBERTA
You made calls?

DANIELA
but I found two taking / patients right now

THERESA
Two? Why two?

DANIELA
So you can pick which one you like better.

TIM
What’s the difference?

DANIELA
One’s a man, the other’s a woman.

ROBERTA
Pretzels or cheese doodles. Hmm, Timmy?

DANIELA
One’s in Waltham, the / other’s in Westerly.

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 107
THERESA
Waltham?! You want me to drive him to Waltham?

DANIELA
You think you can do a 9 am, Timmy?

TIM
Sure, Aunt Robbie, I love cheese doodles.

ROBERTA
He’s not eating right, he’s drinking, forgets to take his medication.

DANIELA
Don’t you give Dad his pills with breakfast?

THERESA
John always forgot to take his medication. Doctor said it’s why he had a stroke.

ROBERTA
You could be having a stroke, Lon!

LON
I’m not going to the doctor.

DANIELA
Ma, which hospital—Sloan or Phelps?

LON
Hospital?! I’m not going to the hospital.

THERESA
I told Owen to cancel his flight. He’s too busy to take care of Tim.

DANIELA
Doesn’t Owen work from home? He could help drive to appointments.

ROBERTA
Why isn’t Robbie calling me back?

LON
And after work you’re his nurse?

THERESA
Look, if Owen came, they’d just be fighting all the time.

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LON
(to ROBERTA:) She’s doing for him like she’s his / his

ROBERTA
Daniela, I know Tim’s like a brother to you.

DANIELA
Maybe, maybe not.

LON
(slaps the table)

THERESA
So that’s another thing I’m not doing right, is that it?

LON
! Daniela, have you no self-respect ! (slaps the table again)
(to ROBERTA:) You brought him in. Her bedroom, / you put him there!

THERESA
I don’t recognize him, but I know how to raise / my son.

DANIELA
He’s on a plane, Ma. Fourteen hour flight.

ROBERTA
It’s her again, isn’t it?

THERESA
I’m alone. I’m a woman / and I live alone.

ROBERTA
Look she’d be perfect if she wasn’t an Oriental!

THERESA
I appreciate / the concern, but I’m going my own way on this, Roberta. (exits)

ROBERTA
You think I’m blind? I have eyes on the back of my head. I knew you been kissing Tim. I knew about
the beer, Lon. I knew Robbie (stuffs a fist in her mouth). But you said that was settled last April, Lon!
That was a year ago.

LON
Not quite.

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 109
ROBERTA
Not quite? Not quite what? Daniela?!

DANIELA
I don’t know everything, Ma.

LON
Not quite a year, Roberta.

ROBERTA
(eyes bug out, on the point of speech, but no words come out, only strange gurgling sounds)

A baby screams at full throttle. The sound is brain-shattering. And

unending. The baby is in ROBBIE’s arms.

ROBBIE
Okay, okay, I’m here
Here we are
I’m right here

ROBBIE pats the cloth-bundled, tiny human gingerly. Jiggling his

son as if holding a raw egg, ROBBIE hums, then sings a patchy
rendition of “Go to Sleep.” Though he goes off-lyric, his voice
maintains a softly sweet tone and roughly follows the tune of the
classic Brahms lullaby.

The baby screams and screams.

ROBBIE
Duh duh nuh, nuh duh duh,
Go to sleep little little.
Hah hm ha hmm
Hm huh hm
I’m right here. Yes, yes, I am.

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13 THERESA PHELAN, ROBERTA LAVECCHIA, LON LAVECCHIA

The Lavecchias’ family room. THERESA and ROBERTA put

together Easter baskets. LON sits in an armchair; to his side is a
walker.

THERESA is like an efficient factory worker on a quota system.

ROBERTA takes her time assembling plastic grass and cellophane
and curled ribbon.

For several long moments, they work in frigid silence.

THERESA stops working.

THERESA
I was at the butcher’s the other day

ROBERTA looks up.

THERESA
Yeah, and Ginny Adams asked about Tim.

ROBERTA
Oh

A beat as THERESA stabs ROBERTA with her eyes.

ROBERTA
Theresa

THERESA
(pushes the baskets away)

ROBERTA
(instinctively recoils)

THERESA stands, collects her coat and purse.

THERESA
So I guess I have to find a new butcher.

THERESA exits.

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 111
14 DANIELA and ROBERTA

DANIELA
(low simmer of disgust)
I’m sick.
I’m sick inside. It’s like so bad inside that if I don’t get rid of this this
It’s gonna give me cancer / I swear on the

ROBERTA
Don’t say that.

DANIELA
Seriously, Ma, I’m serious, so serious. / I’ve never felt this this, anything like this before.

ROBERTA
What’re we going to do?

A short beat.

DANIELA
I can feel it like a hard piece of glass.

ROBERTA
Oh Sweet / Jesus

DANIELA
I never want to set eyes on her again.

ROBERTA
She, she’s not—she’s not important.

DANIELA
(boils over) She’s his mother!

ROBERTA
Daniela, / this isn’t

DANIELA
He barely finishes the IOP and she tells him to buy a ticket and fly to California? Now?
If he were there, who’d find him? Does she want him to—? What is that? Who is she?

ROBERTA
Dad and I think

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 112
DANIELA
Like this has changed her.

ROBERTA
Well, maybe it’s she’s getting old, or / maybe

DANIELA
Like you never knew her.

ROBERTA
And she’s been, I mean, we’re even wondering—(shakes head)

ROBERTA bites back further judgment, reaches for compassion.

DANIELA
The whole family is crazy—Owen who still hasn’t come to see his only brother? Fucking waste of—
Timmy is the only sane one. This is because he’s not crazy like them. He’s normal and has a real and
good and warm heart—that’s why he got sick.

ROBERTA
He’s got serious problems, Dan.

DANIELA
He’s the only one with his shit together. You know he’s been supporting her?
That house, he owns at least half of that house. And she’s gonna kick him out? Now?!

ROBERTA
I think she doesn’t know what else to / do.

DANIELA
We just found him a new therapist / here.

ROBERTA
This isn’t for you to solve.

DANIELA
What the fuck is inside of that fucking selfish bitch?

ROBERTA
Too much, Dani.

DANIELA
…
I used to adore her. She was the survivor.
Now she’s this cold, empty shell of a person / that
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 113

ROBERTA
Both can be true, Dan.

DANIELA
Why have kids if you can’t—this is when you need a mother! He wanted to feel warm again, that’s what
he told me. Doesn’t that break your—doesn’t that fucking crucify you? And then to be completely
discarded like this? Has she read the Bible?

ROBERTA
She wants him to go back to his original doctors cuz / maybe

DANIELA
She doesn’t even cook for him!

ROBERTA
She’s the mom.

DANIELA
(sharp intake of breath, about to unleash again)

ROBERTA
She’s the mom.

DANIELA
…

ROBERTA
We’re worried about you, Daniela.

DANIELA
I know I know, I’ll see someone, I’ve been getting referrals.

ROBERTA
I don't like you being alone. Why don't you come live at home?

DANIELA
Yeah, maybe.

ROBERTA
How’s the sleep?

DANIELA
Woke up at 4 am today.

ROBERTA
Still? It’s been three months.
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 114

DANIELA
I had said goodbye.

ROBERTA
Maybe a sleeping pill?

DANIELA
What if I hadn’t forgotten to remind him about Sunday?
What if I hadn’t remembered / and gone back?

ROBERTA
Don’t, no

DANIELA
What if I had thought about it like even two minutes later?
Or texted him instead?
The doctors literally said he’s lucky he doesn’t have brain damage.
A few minutes later: alive but brain / damaged.

ROBERTA
(nodding) Brain damaged. Heaven have mercy.

DANIELA
That scared him more than anything else. Much more than actually being dead.

ROBERTA
He didn’t really want to / die.

DANIELA
Yeah, that’s the—the nurse told me, people who really—they plan it for weeks, for months, and always,
always leave a note. Not something on impulse. … He knew I was in the house.

ROBERTA
But what does that, what are you

DANIELA
I don’t know. I’m putting this and this, as if they’re clues, but it’s not like—none of it makes sense. How
can it possibly / make

ROBERTA
Timmy going to the loony bin makes no sense.

DANIELA
(as if she’s been struck:) Don’t say that. It’s not a “loony bin.”
I can’t believe you—please don’t ever—(throwing acid:) How could you say that? That’s not true.
(pleading:) That’s not what it is. (dark:) Oh god, please don’t tell—never say that, please, oh my god.
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 115

ROBERTA
I’m sorry.

A short beat.

DANIELA
I wake up at 4 am and find him—a different version, every night.

ROBERTA
Awh

DANIELA
Usually I’m too late.

ROBERTA
Mmm

DANIELA
Two minutes later…

ROBERTA
I know

DANIELA
I’d said goodbye.

ROBERTA
Oh, sweetheart

DANIELA
If we hadn’t made plans? There’d be nothing to forget, then remember.

ROBERTA
Mhm (nods)

DANIELA
I walked in, I

ROBERTA
Dani

DANIELA
But I. And then I, I didn’t, I

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 116
ROBERTA
Go on

DANIELA
And like, and his feet. And his legs, just (poises her arm diagonally)

ROBERTA
Mhm

DANIELA
The skin and like (she touches her lips, as if making sure they’re still there)
Yeah and. Shaking

ROBERTA
Oh sweetheart

DANIELA
And jerking and. And fuckin’, I almost, like dropped him.

ROBERTA
It’s too (shakes head gently)

DANIELA
Was there spit? I can’t remember. He asked me once, why can’t I remember?
(rubs her lip absently)
And I mean. I (shakes head)

ROBERTA
But you did, you did

DANIELA
I could’ve

ROBERTA
Don’t say that.

DANIELA shakes and shakes. It’s a sort of hyperventilation.

DANIELA
He—and then I mean, I
Ihh, Ihhca cah qwiy8 [I, I can’t, can’t quite]

8Though her language breaks down, DANIELA repeatedly attempts to express her pain. She marshals her rational resources to
express a very specific, acute trauma that is frankly inexpressible. Language is useless, but it is also her only available tool, so
she keeps trying. Words turn into sounds. She is fighting to keep from losing her mind. Oddly, this fight is more rational than
emotional.
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 117
ROBERTA
Ohhh

ROBERTA puts a hand on DANIELA’s arm.

DANIELA
Ahauhhughuh. Aoww / uwwndu-uhuhuh. Mmm.

ROBERTA
Auhh auhh

DANIELA
Tsssstsutsst/ststsheutss

ROBERTA
Shhhh

DANIELA
Ah huh. Owgh agh.

ROBERTA
I know. I know.

DANIELA
Mmmm indsa. Awhuh nehu. Aigh. Hawm-um ahmum.

Eventually, DANIELA goes still. After a few moments:

DANIELA
(dazed, but controlled, dry:) It’s like a room. Like a room opened up that day, a parallel universe.
I can go into it / like that (snaps fingers)

ROBERTA
(deep breath, shakes head)
Dan

DANIELA
I go to work and talk about shoes and yogurt and airlines. I go to the dentist, find online coupons for you,
make myself eat lunch. I’m best when I’m with Dad. Dad always makes me laugh. Even now. And I
help with Janine’s twins—that’s the best. When twins are pooping and almost crawling and they’re so
perfect, their little feet. I love babies.

But at night, I can’t stop myself.

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 118
ROBERTA
My baby girl

DANIELA
It’s like opening a door and just stepping in

ROBERTA
Mm

DANIELA
I go into that room.
And in there,
I can’t stop screaming.

ROBERTA
Ewh

DANIELA
I can hear it now, how I screamed when I found him

ROBERTA
Heaven have mercy

DANIELA
Doesn’t sound human
It’s like some kind of animal.

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 119
15 TIM and ROBBIE

A residential treatment center. TIM and ROBBIE sit in the visitors’

room. They drink soda.

TIM studies a document. ROBBIE scans a handwritten note.

ROBBIE
So that’s been sitting on you the last few years and will a few more, until more water comes in.

TIM
I thought I was fire

ROBBIE
You are, but you’ve got water in there too / and

TIM
Water puts out fire.

ROBBIE
It’s not like that, I don’t think.
Hey, let’s not, I mean

TIM
No, this is fun. Taking my mind off of—c’mon

ROBBIE
Okay, well. In the circle, that stuff’s what you’re born with, what they call your “native conditions”—so
see like, you got the sun and Mars working for you

TIM
More fire. Burning me up.

ROBBIE
Timmy, look, this isn’t (exasperated hands) Okay, well that’s all that’s—oh, ‘cept some about (reading:)
“a positive asset with the moon squaring Jupiter,” so’s a “good time to buy a house or start a company.”
But only in the next five months. I mean, c’mon.

A short beat.

TIM
Think it was a full moon when I tried it?

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 120
ROBBIE
Yeah, let’s forget this. My mom heard from Daniela they got alternative therapies here, yoga and shit, so I
dunno, she went and got this done, cuz / she says

TIM
Your Mom’s always looking out for me.
What does this red line to Neptune mean?

ROBBIE
I wasn’ thinkin.’ Gimme that.

ROBBIE reaches for the natal astrology chart. TIM ignores him,
keeps scrutinizing the chart.

ROBBIE drains his soda and puts the can on the coffee table. TIM
looks up.

TIM
Oh hey, you don’t wanna hit traffic—good to see you, Rob. Say hi to Robbie, Jr.

ROBBIE
…
Actually, we’re thinkin’ of Alonso—well, either Sung-ki or Alonso—still haven’t decided

TIM
Alonso. So then: Lonnie, Jr?

ROBBIE
I mean it’s (shakes head)—he gives me this look and suddenly I’m takin’ out the trash. Look at this (finds
a photo on his phone, hands the phone to TIM) Here, that’s at twelve weeks.

TIM
Oh ho, he’ll keep you in line.
Hey, your dad looks good here.

ROBBIE
Yeah, that was a good day.
Most days…

TIM
Must get tired

ROBBIE
Yeah, but really it’s how depressed he (shrugs)—y’know he’s lost so much weight? And he’s not that big
in the first place. … And he won’t stop fixing things. The old sideboard’s got new hinges.

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 121

TIM
That’s been broke since we were kids.

ROBBIE
Drives my mom crazy.

TIM
Afraid he’ll send himself back to the hospital.

ROBBIE
Not just that: now she’s stuck with that sideboard forever.

TIM
Wish I could see him. Pay respects.

ROBBIE
He wants to come up and

TIM
No. I’d rather
Seriously.

ROBBIE
Not a problem.

TIM
…

ROBBIE
I know, it’s tough.

TIM
It’s fucking stupid insane.

ROBBIE
’s not that bad.

TIM
…
Sure, things are okay. Not gonna sit around ‘n cry.
(hands the phone back to ROBBIE) Happy for you, Rob.

ROBBIE puts his phone away.

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 122
ROBBIE
You can talk about—I mean I didn’t mean to
Seriously

TIM
Actually, I’d rather not get / into

ROBBIE
Yeah, ‘course, sorry.

TIM
No I mean, it’s just… I’m sick of me.
Real glad your dad pulled through.

ROBBIE
Yeah. But, Mom, she’s (shakes head). She gives him pasta with no salt, feels bad, next day feeds him a
steak. She’s (scoffs). So of course, Pop is

TIM
He’s thinking how much time does he really have. And no one really knows. And people that say they
know? They don’t know.

ROBBIE
Sounds about right.

TIM
Fuckin’ doctors. Here, they put me on new meds—could be sugar pills, placebos, just to mess with me.

ROBBIE
But they must, like—don’t you feel / any

TIM
Dry out my skin, make me eat more and that’s about it, far’s I can tell. Oh and I’d rather be dead twice a
day rather than every hour, and that’s what they call Good. But then the dosage might not be—or they’ll
add / something or switch to a whole different class of—like some kind of shell game, right? Could be
this, could be that, no matter what, I lose.

ROBBIE
Don’t drive yourself

TIM waves the star chart around.

TIM
Not so different from tracking Saturn on your horizon, right? Seems as good as any of this medical shit.
Seriously, what are these red lines doing—Glorissa explain that?

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 123

ROBBIE
Uh, I / dunno

TIM
Christ, what’s happened to me? A science PhD, but now I wanna know what some lady thinks about my
stars and lines.

ROBBIE
Yeah, let’s get rid / of that (grabs the star chart out of TIM’s hand)

TIM
No, don’t, your mom paid for that, / give it to me.

ROBBIE
Daniela’ll be so pissed I brought this stuff.

ROBBIE balls the chart up and tosses it into the trash.

TIM
Seriously: how’s Daniela?

ROBBIE
She’s, y’know with this and that, like she’s been real busy with my Dad and—oh and she went for that
promotion

TIM
Oh yeah? I thought she didn’t wanna—I / mean

ROBBIE
Yeah but, yeah she did, so

TIM
So she movin’?

ROBBIE
Last week: a studio in Queens. So yeah, like
She wanted to come up with me today but.

TIM
She doesn't have to come up with you.

ROBBIE
Right, yeah

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 124
TIM
She can come up anytime.

A tiny, barely noticeable beat.

ROBBIE
Sure, I mean she / definitely

TIM
Things’re better when Daniela’s around.
I scare her off?

ROBBIE
I wouldn’t, / like it’s really not

TIM
Maybe let’s call her? On your phone cuz here they don’t / let me

ROBBIE
Daniela’s not coming.

TIM
…
yeah
…
…
ok

ROBBIE
I mean

TIM
(nods)

ROBBIE
Yeah so

TIM
Daniela was weirded out I made up a chinky fiancée.

ROBBIE
Tim, I

TIM
Aw shit, sorry. Fuckin’ hell.

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 125

ROBBIE
Forget about it.

TIM
Such a fuckin’ loser

ROBBIE
…
Hey, Owen call you?

TIM
Sure, yeah (shrugs) Every call ends with him shouting at me / until I hang up.

ROBBIE
Jeezus.

TIM
I’m s’pose to be the one with his shit together: his older brother.

ROBBIE
Could at least be there for your mother—she’s been to see you, right?

TIM
Hey, let’s not talk about my Mom.

ROBBIE
Oh, sure. I didn’t mean / any

TIM
My mom’s
She does her best. Like we all do.

ROBBIE
Yeah, ‘course.

A short silent beat. Then, simultaneous:

ROBBIE TIM
Look, I wasn’t thinkin I didn’t mean to

A long silent beat.

TIM
Tell me something, Rob.

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 126

ROBBIE
Shoot.

TIM
D’you know who you are?

ROBBIE
Uh, I mean, like yeah, uh sure… I think, I mean I think I do.

TIM
And do you, like, d’you like who you are?

ROBBIE
No. Definitely not.

TIM
Then you want to change yourself.

ROBBIE
Sure, yeah

TIM
But then would you know yourself?

ROBBIE
I see where you’re—like hopefully not, right? I mean, the goal’s to, like, to change yourself, to be
different.

TIM
Right. But then: how will you know it’s the right self?

ROBBIE
…
Getting a little weird for me, Tim.

TIM
Yeah, I know, who the fuck knows.
I’ve no idea who I am.

ROBBIE
Look, if anyone knows—Tim, you’re solid, / seriously

TIM
Fulla shit.

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 127

ROBBIE
That time, Yawkey Way

TIM
Oh don’t drag that / old

ROBBIE
Where’d all those people come from? I still don’t know. Wasn’t for you, Daniela and I’d be dead right
now. Trampled. That crowd suddenly—like a river, a swarm. But then you—you told me and Daniela, so
we grabbed your jacket, and all you said was don’t let go.

TIM
Didn’t think you heard me.

ROBBIE
We didn’t know up from—blink and this sea of arms and. A deathtrap. So dangerous. But you—I mean,
like not human. Like a machine or a car or a train. (points at him) Like a train, and with each step, you
just forward and strong and horsepower, y’know?

TIM
Said people tried to grab / on

ROBBIE
Yeah, I almost had to clock this one guy, cuz he was grabbing and if you fell or—but they couldn’t, you
were too fast, too strong. (points at him) Unstoppable. Daniela tripped, but she caught herself

TIM
On my jacket, yeah

ROBBIE
Yeah, she held on. Me too. What were we, fifteen? Fuck. You got us through that mob, Tim: you did
that. Mom’s always said the Phelans know how to survive.

TIM
And later, my mom screamin’, “I told you not to go to that concert!” And your mom

ROBBIE
“Holy Mary, mother of god. Satan’s mischief. Mercy upon us.”

TIM
And my dad: “Sh sh sh, Tess. Look at ‘em: scared shitless. Lesson learned. All’s well ends well.”

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 128
ROBBIE
I was thinkin, cuz I dunno Junior’s gonna have any… cuz Cindy and I, I mean—and like, maybe not even
cousins. So… he better find a friend good as you.

TIM
He’s got you, he’s fine.

ROBBIE
Tim. It’s gonna… you’ll see. Just time.

TIM
…
sure

ROBBIE coughs.

TIM
Go home already.

A short beat.

ROBBIE
What they feedin’ you here?

TIM
Something broke, Rob. A long time ago.
And it’s not getting fixed.

ROBBIE
Look, that doctor, from the emergency room, with the hairy ears

TIM
The first time I—Kirazian, Dr. Kirazian?

ROBBIE
That guy, yeah. Said he seen this before, people come back 200 percent

TIM
I don’t give a fuck what that fucker thinks.

ROBBIE
Yeah sure, but

TIM
He tried to make me lose it, like really fuckin bark like a dog and shit. Calling me names: “pencil dick”

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 129

ROBBIE
Tim, I really don’t / think

TIM
That’s what he called me. Passing by, real low: “pencil dick”

ROBBIE
I was there with you, Timmy.

TIM
No, you were on the phone with like, Korea. Daniela talking to the nurse or
And I was alone.

ROBBIE
Tim

TIM
Went to take a wizz and—remember they’d hold the door and watch me? And then after, that’s when the
doctor, just so I could hear: “pencil dick.”

ROBBIE
But you said he also called you Bic Pen

TIM
Yep

ROBBIE
But nobody but from high school knows to call you Bic Pen.

TIM
…
I know what I heard. (mutters:) Cunt.

ROBBIE
…

TIM
Those gowns they give you… humiliation tactics, so you have to give in. I couldn’t defend myself.

ROBBIE
They were all really good people, Tim. All really liked / you.

TIM
They’re gonna tell Bilsen-Osher.

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 130

ROBBIE
They’re not allowed to do that.

TIM
No, I’m out of a job. For sure.
That one dude, the one said he was a nurse

ROBBIE
I think—Tim, I think he was.

TIM
Just sat there, asking me things, but nothing medical. Took my blood pressure, yeah, but then asked about
work, vacations, hobbies—Christ, it’s so obvious.

ROBBIE
…

TIM
You know I told him I loved him? I was so gone.
He stopped looking me in the eye, thought I was hitting on him. Definitely a homo.

ROBBIE
…

TIM
…
Forget about it.
I know I’m on my own.

ROBBIE
Tim, am I invisible? Do you not see…?

TIM
“Pencil dick,” swear to god. Sick Armenian fuck.

ROBBIE
Tim

TIM
Say hi to your dad. Tell your ma I love her.
And for real: find out what she paid Gloria, so I can pay her—hey, call her now.

ROBBIE
Ah, we’re not speaking right now.

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 131

TIM
What you talkin’ about?

ROBBIE
Got a little tough when Cindy arrived.

TIM
Oh. Shit.

ROBBIE
I’m not bothered.

ROBBIE stands up and crushes his empty soda can with a stamp.

ROBBIE
I gotta piss.

TIM
(points) Front desk, take a left.

ROBBIE
Look, we’re all, like things just keep

TIM
Maybe it was coming home. If I hadn’t come home, maybe.

ROBBIE
Don’t think like that.

ROBBIE sits down unambiguously.

TIM
No, Rob

ROBBIE
Right here.

TIM
Robbie, I don’t know I’m gonna make it.

ROBBIE
You’re gonna make it, / Tim. I know you,

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 132
TIM
It’d take a miracle

ROBBIE
you’re gonna make it.

TIM
Yeah but what part of me? I can’t remember things. My hand has a shake. I don’t know anyone’s name
here—so embarrassing, asking names over and over. So I stop asking. My vision’s blurry. I get these
headaches. Maybe when I hit my head on that stupid sink—shit, can you believe that was only four
months ago? / Fuck

ROBBIE
You’re gettin’ better so fast, Tim.

TIM
Maybe if I hadn’t come home?

ROBBIE
Timmy

A short beat.

TIM
Robbie, the other day, I don’t know how, but I peed myself.

ROBBIE
Tim, that’s really / not

TIM
It’s all systems down. I peed myself, Rob.

ROBBIE
…
That’s a normal day for me, Tim. Seriously.
I’m out the door with my dick in my pants, I’m a, a fuckin’, fuckin’ super-hero.

TIM
One day at a (nods), yeah

ROBBIE
Yesterday I let Little Lonnie play with a fork—almost took an eye out.
Christ, he survives having me / around, that’s a miracle.

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 133
TIM
I’ll help. When I get out, you can leave him with me. Why didn’t you bring him?

ROBBIE
Yeah sure, but like… and you got work and

TIM
…
Mm
Shit, for a second there, I almost felt normal.

ROBBIE shifts in his seat.

TIM
Hey, buddy, thanks for stopping by.

ROBBIE
…
I’ll come again.

TIM
All good.

They sit.

ROBBIE opens a soda, takes a sip.

They sit.

TIM picks up his soda.

They sit.

TIM sips.

End of play.

CATCH AS CATCH CAN | 2019