BOB PUREFOY Van G u i l d e r

SIDE 1 I'm due a t t h e Exchange, m'dear. T o d a y ' s t h e day w e s p r i n g

t h e t r a p on t h e s m a l l i n v e s t o r s .
Mrs. Van G u i l d e r
Take me u p s t a i r s !
Van G u i l d e r
A l l right, a l l right..
(Helps h e r
.
from h e r c h a i r )
Itlrs. Van G u i l d e r
(Leaning on him, f a n n i n g h e r s e l f )
Mind you, young man; policemen who l o o k r e s p e c t a b l e !
Bob
Oh, y e s , ma'am! I ' l l p i c k them o u t p e r s o n a l l y !

(The VNq GUILDERS go. BOB b e g i n s t o

t w i r l h i s n i g h t s t i c k t o i m p r e s s ALICE,
b u t t h e n it g e t s o u t o f c o n t r o l and
a l m o s t knocks down t h e c h a n d e l i e r . .
ALICE screams; BOB h o l d s h i s head t o
p r o t e c t it. Then he r e t r i e v e s t h e
n i g h t s t i c k and e x p l a i n s w i t h
embarrassment)
START Bob
The t h o n g broke.
Alice
I've n e v e r m e t a d e t e c t i v e b e f o r e . Not even an a c t i n g one.
Bob
I ' v e never m e t - an lice Van G u i l d e r b e f o r e .
Alice
How s u r p r i s i n g ; t h e r e a r e so many o f us. Do you r e a l l y
t h i n k y o u ' l l catch t h e C a t ?
Bob
Oh y e s , M i s s , I'm s u r e o f it! C r i m e d o e s n ' t pay.

Alice
Oh.
Bob
I ' v e worked o u t what w e c a l l h i s "modus o p e r a n d i , " and I
f i g u r e h e ' s g o i n g t o s t r i k e e i t h e r here o r a t P i e r F o u r t e e n .
And I ' l l be w a i t i n g f o r him, r e a d y t o pounce!
Alice
P i e r Fourteen?
SKIP TO—
 Bob and A l i c e
FJe'll be just amazing1

(TSEY j o i n hands again)

Bob
Lucky Holmes t o
I-Iave a V?atson!
Alice
Than~csa l o t , s i n c e r e l y ,
Holmes !
Bob and A l i c e
Poor o l d Cat w i l l
Soon f e e l s m a l l a s
Leprechauns
B a t t e n t o t s ‘n'n
Gnomes -
bhen he runs into S h e r l o c k I-lolmes!

Alice
And 3 o c t o r Watson!

—TO HERE (T'dEY l a u g h . BOB r e a l i z e s h e i s

s t i l l h o l d i n g A L I C E ' S hand, and
h a s t i l y drops it)
Bob
Gosh, rliss V a n G u i l d e r , I ' l l b e t we s o l v e this case
q u i c k l y and I hope it t a k e s a b o u t f i v e y e a r s !
Alice
Then I can h e l p you S a t u r d a y n i g h t ?
Bob
Yes! You can tell m e who the d i f f e r e n t p e o p l e a r e !

Alice
I n t r o d u c e you t o them as a friend of mine!
Gob
d can q u e s t i o n them w i t h o u t t h e i r even knowing it!
~ n I

(A b e a t , ALICE t o u c h e s BOB ' S hand)

Alice
Xould a copy of t h e g u e s t list be a help t o you?

Bob
lJould a copy - G e e , i t s u r e would, i4iss Van G u i l d e r ?

Alice
F a i t r i g ! ~ t here !

(SEE hurries up t h e s t a i r s and e x i t s ,

 Bob (Cont'd)
She touched me!
And suddenly n o t h i n g i s t h e same!
(ALICE r e t u r a s with a copy of t h e
guest list)
Alice
H e r e you a r e , Mr. Holmes.

Bob
Watson!
-
Thanks a l o t , M r s . Holmes. I mean M r s . Watson! Doctor

Alice
Sherlock Holrnes i s a b a c h e l o r .
Bob
I never read H a r p e r ' s Maqazine.

Alice
W i l l you come e a r l y on S a t u r d a y , around e i g h t o c c l o c k ,
and t e l l me a l l t h e news?
Bob
I c e r t a i n l y will! Eight o ' c l o c k on Saturday!
03E backs t o t h e door)
Alice
Good l u c k a t P i e r Fourteen.
Bob
Thanks, M i s s Van Guilder!
Alice
A l i c e i s m y name!

Bob
Alice --
Alice
(7Javing i n t o t h e h a l l )
Good-bye 1
Bob
(Of£1
Good-bye l
(There is a TREICENDOUS CRASH, as of
someone f a l l i n g down the marble s t a i r s
o f a F i f t h Avenue mansion)
Alice
Oh, dear! Are you a l l r i g h t ?
 Bob
(Coming back t o retrieve his n i g h t s t i c k
that has been thrown back on-stage with
the sound of t h e c r a s h )
Yes, y e s , I'm f i n e ! Good-bye!
END (Off 1
 Patrolmen
T h i s way, p l e a s e . Move a l o n g o

BOB PUREFOY Guests, E t c .

H e ' s here!
SIDE 2 The C a t !
Oh, cries o f deep d e s p a i r !

Minister
( P r a y i n g as he goes)
S e l e c t i o n s and
Whole s e c t i o n s from
The Book of Comnon Prayer!

Patrolmen
T h i s way, Padre. Ma'am? S i r ? Move along, p l e a s e .

Guests, E t c .
Oh, d r a t 1
The C a t !
The B e a s t Who Lurks Unseen!
H e ' s t a k e n every diamond
From tlle Bronx t o Bowling Green!

(The PATROLMEN, w i t h i n t h e house, draw

c l o s e d t h e d o o r s , l e a v i n g BOB and ALICE
a l o n e i n t h e garden)

Bob
START (Excitedly)
Oh, A l i c e !

(ALICE t u r n s , composed and g r a c i o u s

e x c e p t f o r t h e conspicuous bulge
i n her downstage cheek)

Alice
Mmm?

Bob
I t ' s happened! W e 're g o i n g t o c a t c h him! The t w o of us!
H o l m e s and Watson!

Alice
iJImm1

Bob
T h i s i s my lucky n i g h t l You w e r e r i g h t when you s a i d s o l
R e m e f i r ? You s a i d maybe t h i s would be my lucky n i g h t ?
Before? I n s i d e ?

Alice
Mii.
 Bob
O h , A l i c e , when w e do c a t c h him, I ' 11 be made a real -
detective, not just= a c t i n g one!
Alice
Mmm3
Bob

key t o t h e c i t y !
-
Even more! I ' 11 be a h e r o , I guess! Maybe even g e t t h e

Alice
(Eodding, ~ o i n t i n gt o t h e house)
M m o Mmm.
Bob
(Whipping o f f h i s helmet)
-
A l i c e , t h e n , when I'm a h e r o --
could you p o s s i b l y --
would you possibly--
Alice
(Nodding more v i g o r o u s l y , p o i n t i n g
more v i g o r o u s l y t o t h e house)
Mrn! Mmm!

Bob
Oh, I know t h a t even a dozen h e r o e s r o l l e d i n t o one
w o u l d n 8 t b e good enough t o touch t h e hem o f your s k i r t --
when y o u ' r e wearing a s k i r t , I mean --
b u t I ' d work h a r d
and I would p r o t e c t you and c h e r i s h you and --
Alice
(Nodding, nodding; a n y t h i n g t o g e t
r i d of HIM)

Bob
Alice! Alice! You mean you could --
could l o v e me?-
( S e i z i n g h e r o t h e r hand)
You could --
could t h i n k of --
of marrying me?
Alice
Mrnrn! b'lmm! Mmm!
- -
(Meaning " Y e s , b u t g e t o u t of here! ")
Bob
Alice? Oh, A l i c e ! Oh, c h --
(HE f l i n g s h i s arms around HER and
k i s s e s HER f u l l on t h e mouth. I t i s
a l o n g i s h k i s s , and midway through i t
ALICE s a g s and BOB s t i f f e n s . THEY draw
a p a r t . ALICE, choking a b i t , coughs
t h a t diamond o u t o n t o h e r palm, BOB
s t a r e s a t it, h o l d i n g HER w r i s t . )
The s t o l e n diamond!
 Alice
Well I ' l l be. ..
(BOB releases HER w r i s t and d r o p s back
a s t e p . HE s t a r e s a t h i s beloved ALICE
i n h e r c a t s u i t . HER back i s a g a i n s t
t h e s e r v i n g wagon)
Bob
Alice -- You? -- You? --
Alice
Look l I n t h e skyl
Bob
(Turning, l o o k i n g up)
Where? What? Where?

(And ALICE smashes one of t h e empty

champagne b o t t l e s o v e r HIS head.
SHE watches f e a r f u l l y as BOB r i g i d i f i e s
END and b e g i n s t o d i s s o l v e a t t h e knees)
Alice
(BOB c o l l a p s e s i n a heap. ALICE l o o k s
down a t him, d i s c o n c e r t e d )
Tom?
-
(SHE i s q u i t e d i s t r e s s e d , b u t one does
have t o make the b e s t of a bad s i t u a t i o n .
SHE t o s s e s away t h e neck of t h e b o t t l e ,
l o o k s a t t h e diamond, a d , for want of
a p o c k e t , pops it back i n t o h e r mouth.
R s t r i e v i n g BOB'S helmet, SHE f i t s it
o v e r one of h i s f e e t . SHE opens t h e
t r a p t o t h e c e l l a r , t a k e s BOB by t h e
s h o u l d e r s , and d r a g s him down i n t o t h e
d e p t h s . No s o o n e r are THEY gone from
s i g h t t h a n t h e d o o r s t o t h e houss
b u r s t open and PINCER comes c h a r g i n g
f u r i o u s l y a c r o s s t h e g a r d e n , followed
by VAN GUILDER, MALLET, and t h e NAYOR)
Pincer
Where i s h e ? Purefoy? Where i s he3 PUREFOY!

Van G u i l d e r
H e w a s h e r e j u s t a f e w m i n u t e s ago w i t h my daughter. Alice?
Mallet
They must have gone i n s i d e by t h e o t h e r door.
Mayor
The Cat i s superhuman, I'm convinced of it!