Closure to Courage

Student Workbook

*Adapted for JMU use with permission from Cal Poly Counseling Services

Page 1 Closure to Courage Workbook

JMU Counseling Center • SSC 3 rd
Floor, Suite 3100 • 540-568-6552 • jmu.edu/counselingctr
 Table of Contents
Welcome Page 3
Frequently Asked Questions Page 4
Workshop Series Worksheets Page 5
Part 1 Worksheets Page 6
Session 1: First Things First… Page 7
Session 1: Sitting with and Coping with Feelings Page 7
Session 1: The Breakup Curve Page 8
Session 1: 3-Step Process Page 8
Session 1: Impact Exploration Page 9
Session 1: Checklist of Common Experiences Page 10
Session 1: Feelings Wheel Page 11
Session 1: Riding the Waves Page 12
Session 1: Reminders and Cues Page 13
Session 1: Re-learning Your Lifestyle (TLC’s) Page 13
Session 1: The Social Media Monster Page 14
Session 1: Coping Skills & TLC’s Page 15
Session 1: CBT Worksheet Page 16
Part 2 Worksheets Page 18
Session 2: Key Points from Part 1 Page 19
Session 2: Values Exploration Page 20
Session 2: Wants vs. Needs Page 21
Session 2: What Does a “Clean Break” Mean? Page 22
Session 2: Do I Know Me? Page 23
Session 2: Relationship Investigation? Page 24
Session 2: Homework Overview Page 27
Part 3 Worksheets Page 29
Session 3: Key Points from Part 2 Page 30
Session 3: New Horizons Page 31
Session 3: Cultural and Family Expectations Page 39
Session 3: Dating in Modern Times Page 32
Session 3: Unhelpful Ways of Thinking Page 34
Session 3: Some Final Thoughts Page 35
Appendix Page 37
Pleasant Activities Page 38
Alternative Response Worksheet Page 39
Grounding Exercises Page 43
Breathing Exercises Page 44
Additional Resources Page 45

Page 2 Closure to Courage Workbook

JMU Counseling Center • SSC 3 rd
Floor, Suite 3100 • 540-568-6552 • jmu.edu/counselingctr
 Welcome!
Welcome to Closure to Courage, this is a 3-part specialized workshop series
intended to help increase your understanding and knowledge of how to
manage after the end of a relationship. The goal is to provide you with some
skills and framework to recognize and manage what you may be experiencing.
We hope that some of the material sticks and that you find it useful.

It is important to remember that while this program provides valuable skills

and tools to manage your breakup, relationships and their conclusions can
bring up intense and sometimes painful feelings. Some of the skills and tools
discussed may help lessen those feelings, but it is natural and expected to
experience a range of emotions after a breakup such as sadness, loss,
confusion, guilt, grief, etc. In fact, it can be healthier and more productive to
allow oneself to experience authentic emotions given adequate coping and
support as opposed to trying to suppress and ignore unpleasant feelings. Our
hope is that these three sessions will offer a strong foundation to better
understand and navigate your circumstances.

By the end of each workshop, you will have been provided a lot of
information, which may seem like a lot at times. You are encouraged to hold
onto and practice what you feel “sticks” and works for you. Just as learning a
new language or musical instrument, effort and repetition are often
associated with the best outcomes. Some skills may come easier than others
and that’s okay. Additionally, similar to working out to get into better shape, it
may be challenging or annoying to practice some of the skills discussed. All
that to say, you are encouraged to do your best to incorporate some of these
practices into your daily lifestyle as you see fit.

If at any time you feel that you need additional mental health support services,
you can go to the Counseling Center (CC) for a first-visit appointment to meet
with a clinician and explore mental health resource recommendations. JMU
Students also have free access to telehealth individual counseling, 24/7 on
demand TalkNow support, health coaching, and more through TimelyCare
(www.timelycare.com/jmu). For more mental health resource information,
visit: jmu.edu/counselingctr or contact the CC at (540)-568-6552.

Page 3 Closure to Courage Workbook

JMU Counseling Center • SSC 3 rd
Floor, Suite 3100 • 540-568-6552 • jmu.edu/counselingctr
 Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)
What is Closure to Courage?
Closure to Courage is a three-session program designed to help individuals manage
after a breakup. The aim of the program is to offer frameworks for understanding
experiences and skills / tools to manage intense feelings or navigate difficult
communication.

Why does Closure to Courage use a 3-part model?

The three-part workshop series is designed to succinctly provide information, skills,
and resources, while also affording individuals time to rehearse and practice between
sessions. The three-part model is also designed to align with the demands and
obligations common in busy student schedules. However, even attending one of these
workshops will give you some skills that will help manage his difficult time.

What if I need more than 3 workshop sessions to learn the model?

Individuals learn at their own pace. Some students will pick up skills faster than others.
Like anything worth having, these skills can take time to develop and master. We have a
number of other workshops that allow you to continue building your skills.

What if I don’t feel comfortable in groups?

It is common to feel some degree of anxiety being in the presence of new individuals!
In addition, being in a group setting and discussing an emotionally-charged topic can
be challenging. However, simply being present will improve distress tolerance and
teach your brain and body that it is okay, safe, and helpful to connect with others in this
type of setting. Additionally, you are not required to speak to the entire group if you do
not feel comfortable doing so. The facilitators respect each participant’s right to share
only what they are comfortable sharing and never require you to share sensitive or
potentially embarrassing information about yourself.

What if I have additional mental health support need(s)?

If you are currently connected to a provider, follow up with your provider. If you need
assistance in connecting with resources, reach out to the Counseling Center and/or
TimelyCare.

Page 4 Closure to Courage Workbook

JMU Counseling Center • SSC 3 rd
Floor, Suite 3100 • 540-568-6552 • jmu.edu/counselingctr
 WORKSHOP
WORKSHEETS

Page 5 Closure to Courage Workbook

JMU Counseling Center • SSC 3 rd
Floor, Suite 3100 • 540-568-6552 • jmu.edu/counselingctr
 PART 1:
Being With Your Feelings

Page 6 Closure to Courage Workbook

JMU Counseling Center • SSC 3 rd
Floor, Suite 3100 • 540-568-6552 • jmu.edu/counselingctr
 First Things First…

• Breakups can be unfortunate and painful

o Sigmund Freud said “We are never so vulnerable as when we are in love”

• It is normal to be upset

o Crying, sadness, and feelings of grief are a normal part of the end of a

relationship

• Not allowing oneself to experience the accompanying feelings of a

breakup can actually slow the process of moving on

o Robert Frost said “The only way out is through”

• Humans are wired for attachment and social connection

o Romantic partners are just one way to meet these needs

• Every breakup experience is unique.

o And there are often similarities to the experiences of others.

• Validation and connection can exist without feeling that one’s

experience is better or worse than another’s

Page 7 Closure to Courage Workbook

JMU Counseling Center • SSC 3 rd
Floor, Suite 3100 • 540-568-6552 • jmu.edu/counselingctr
 The Breakup Curve

3-Step Coping Process

Investing in
Acceptance Coping with
New
of Loss Pain
Endeavors

Page 8 Closure to Courage Workbook

JMU Counseling Center • SSC 3 rd
Floor, Suite 3100 • 540-568-6552 • jmu.edu/counselingctr
 Impact Exploration

In order to increase the ability to cope with a breakup, increase your

understanding of yourself and your communication with others.

Common feelings after a sudden breakup

• Acute and sudden losses can be experienced as traumatic and intense

• The context of sudden breakups can play a large role in the impact felt
o For example, in some instances a sudden breakup can “come out
of the blue” due to lack of communication. These types of
unexpected breakups tend to have a larger negative impact on the
person being broken up with.
o Another example of a sudden breakup may be due to a critical
event taking place. Often associated with conflict or a difficult
circumstance (e.g., being cheated on), individuals can be dealt
strong feelings to manage.

Shock ~ Numbness ~ Feeling like the world or the self isn’t “real”

Common feelings after an extended breakup

• Drawn out breakups are not immune from negative consequences

• Breakups that are lengthy can lead to mixed emotions, communication
breakdowns, misunderstandings, and in some cases can be experienced
as cumulative / compounding trauma (i.e., “death by a thousand cuts”).
o Drawn out breakups can present as one or multiple partners
“taking a break” after conflict or feelings that have changed.
o More complicated drawn-out breakups could look like partners
that split up but still engage in relationship-like behaviors (e.g.,
texting, sex, maintaining closeness).

Grief ~ Confusion ~ Sadness ~ Feeling “Stuck”

Page 9 Closure to Courage Workbook

JMU Counseling Center • SSC 3 rd
Floor, Suite 3100 • 540-568-6552 • jmu.edu/counselingctr
 Checklist of Common Experiences

Physiological
Thoughts Emotions Behaviors
Reactions
• Racing • Withdrawing
• Shock • Loss of
thoughts socially
• Confusion appetite
• Fantasies • Losing routine
• Sadness • Nausea
• Trouble • Misusing
• Irritability • Fatigue
concentrating substances
• Uncertainty • Sleep
• Blame • Increased
• Pain problem
• Over sexual activity
• Loss • Feeling “sick”
analyzing • Increased
• Depression • Tense
• Wanting to time on social
• Hopelessness muscles
get even media

Thoughts

Behaviors Wellbeing Emotions

Phsiological
Reactions

Page 10 Closure to Courage Workbook

JMU Counseling Center • SSC 3 rd
Floor, Suite 3100 • 540-568-6552 • jmu.edu/counselingctr
 Feelings Wheel

Page 11 Closure to Courage Workbook

JMU Counseling Center • SSC 3 rd
Floor, Suite 3100 • 540-568-6552 • jmu.edu/counselingctr
 Waves and Obsessions
• It is common for individuals to experience intense waves of emotions
after experiencing a breakup AND:
o Just like waves, intense
feelings generally subside and
become more manageable
with time
• Remember: it’s normal for all
feelings (those we enjoy and those
we do not) to have peaks and
valleys.

• It is also common for individuals to

experience obsessive thoughts after
experiencing a breakup
• “What did I do wrong?”
• “Could I have done anything
differently?”
• “Are they interested in
someone else?”
• “Is something wrong with
me?”

• If obsessive thoughts are troubling it can be helpful to “de-fuse” from

them
o This means pausing to recognize that you are separate from your
thoughts and “thoughts are just thoughts - not objective truths”
• Practicing defusion will lessen the impact of thoughts and they tend to
decrease just like a song that gets stuck in your head.

Page 12 Closure to Courage Workbook

JMU Counseling Center • SSC 3 rd
Floor, Suite 3100 • 540-568-6552 • jmu.edu/counselingctr
 Reminders & Cues
Reminders and cues of a former partner can
present painful experiences after a breakup

It may be worth considering putting away gifts,

pictures, phone lock screens, or other reminders
to reduce mental and emotional energy strain

Re-learning Your Lifestyle

The conclusion of a relationship may also force individuals to re-learn their
lifestyle

Enlisting the help of friends, family, and

social support can help with some of the
following common lifestyle and routine
factors:

o Who you share meals with

o Who you text or call
o Who you go to UREC with
o Clubs and hobbies that you
are involved in
o Where you go and what you
do on the weekends
o Who you study with

Page 13 Closure to Courage Workbook

JMU Counseling Center • SSC 3 rd
Floor, Suite 3100 • 540-568-6552 • jmu.edu/counselingctr
 The Social Media Monster
Social media surveillance has been shown to correlate with:

• Increased Distress
• More negative feelings
• Sexual desire
• Decreased personal growth

Ask yourself:

• How much time and effort do I want to

invest in social media?
• What do I gain from being on social media?
What do I lose?
• In what ways do I intend to use social media,
and how do I actually use it?

How can you decrease the likelihood of the Social Media Monster negatively
impacting your experience?

1._____________________________________________________________________________________________________

2._____________________________________________________________________________________________________

3._____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Page 14 Closure to Courage Workbook

JMU Counseling Center • SSC 3 rd
Floor, Suite 3100 • 540-568-6552 • jmu.edu/counselingctr
 Coping Skills and Therapeutic Lifestyle Changes
1. Assess current coping skills (i.e., what current helps you manage?)
2. Identify an area to practice (e.g., physical health, get out into nature,
reduce screen time, connect socially, setting boundaries, identifying
values, cutting down on substance use)
3. Set a specific goal

Examples:
• Try to sleep 7-8 hours per night during the week
• Avoid doom scrolling before bed
• Try to eat healthy foods
• Learn to cook a new meal
• Walk to classes or get another form of exercise at UREC
• Connect socially with a different friend each day of the week
• Go for a walk in the Arboretum or in one of the parks or forests
(Shenandoah, George Washington)
• Create a list of your values / strengths
• Practice assertive communication
• Try a mindfulness intervention
• Practice taking perspective of thoughts and feelings

*Example – This week I will walk to classes Mon/Wed/Fri and get lunch with a
different friend Tue/Thur

1. __________________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________________

2. __________________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________________

3. __________________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________________

Page 15 Closure to Courage Workbook

JMU Counseling Center • SSC 3 rd
Floor, Suite 3100 • 540-568-6552 • jmu.edu/counselingctr
 CBT Worksheet
Describe the situation (When? Where? What? With whom?)

Physical (What physical sensations did you

experience? What did you notice in your
body?)

Cognitive (What thoughts

Emotional (What feelings went through your mind? Is
came up for you during the there a meaning behind the
experience?) thoughts?)

Behavioral (What was your first instinct

and/or automatic response? What did you
do and/or avoid doing at the time?)

Page 16 Closure to Courage Workbook

JMU Counseling Center • SSC 3 rd
Floor, Suite 3100 • 540-568-6552 • jmu.edu/counselingctr
 Part 1: Self Study
Practice 1: Complete at least 1 CBT worksheet this week for review at
the next session (blank copies provided on pages 16 and 47)

Practice 2: Practice one coping skill and 1 therapeutic lifestyle change

Practice 3: Identify which stage or process you most identify with

Page 17 Closure to Courage Workbook

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Floor, Suite 3100 • 540-568-6552 • jmu.edu/counselingctr
 PART 2:
Lessons Learned

Page 18 Closure to Courage Workbook

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Floor, Suite 3100 • 540-568-6552 • jmu.edu/counselingctr
 Key Points from Part 1

• Uncomfortable and sometimes painful feelings are a normal

part of the experience of breaking up
o They can accompany both sudden and extended breakups
o These feelings tend to come and go like waves – starting
as intense and then fading over time

• Noticing and working with these feelings can be an important

step to feeling better

• Some simple and concrete steps for improving include:

o Re-evaluating social media usage
o Removing cues and reminders
o Re-learning your lifestyle
o Utilizing coping skills and positive experiences
 Using the CBT worksheet
 Going for a walk
 Getting 7-9 hours of sleep/night
 Practicing breathing exercises

Page 19 Closure to Courage Workbook

JMU Counseling Center • SSC 3 rd
Floor, Suite 3100 • 540-568-6552 • jmu.edu/counselingctr
 Values, Needs, and Expectations
• Authenticity • Curiosity • Justice • Religion

• Achievement • Dependability • Kindness • Reputation

• Adventure • Determination • Knowledge • Respect

• Authority • Fairness • Leadership • Responsibility

• Autonomy • Faith • Learning • Security

• Balance • Fame • Love • Self-Respect

• Beauty • Friendships • Loyalty • Service

• Boldness • Fun • Meaning • Spirituality

• Compassion • Growth • Openness • Stability

• Challenge • Happiness • Optimism • Success

• Citizenship • Honesty • Peace • Status

• Community • Humor • Pleasure • Wealth

• Competency • Influence • Poise • Wisdom

• Contribution • Inner • Popularity

___________
Harmony
• Creativity • Recognition

Page 20 Closure to Courage Workbook

JMU Counseling Center • SSC 3 rd
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 Relationship Needs vs. Relationship Wants
Let’s take some time to think about what our needs are in
relationship in comparison to what our wants are.

For example: I may want someone I date to be interested in playing

or watching sports, but that is not a “deal breaker.” Whereas,
communication, support, affection, and love represent needs.

What are your relationship wants?

What are your relationship needs?

Common relationship needs:

• Affection • Trust
• Acceptance • Empathy
• Validation • Prioritization
• Autonomy • Connection
• Security • Space

Page 21 Closure to Courage Workbook

JMU Counseling Center • SSC 3 rd
Floor, Suite 3100 • 540-568-6552 • jmu.edu/counselingctr
 Importance of a “Clean Break”?
In most cases, a “clean break” is the best way to end a romantic
relationship. Clean breaks are clear, emphasize healthy boundaries,
and allow for the healing process to begin.

• What does a “clean break” mean to you?

o Consider behaviors, emotions, thoughts, and physical
sensations that might accompany a “clean break”.
• In some cases (like divorce) separation is necessary
o Dividing resources, space, expenses
• Disadvantages of continued contact (Field et al.,
2009; Knox et al., 2000):
o Worse post breakup functioning
o Prolonged distress
o Increased longing

If a clean break isn’t possible, or feels to difficult…

• Gradually gradual decrease contact and reliance on other
o Unless there are hurtful, harmful, or manipulative
behaviors in which case prompt clean breaks may be
more indicated
• What is the intention of continued contact?
o Is this causing confusion?
o Is this delaying healing and growth?
o Is this causing harm to those involved?
• What can I do to get me closer to where I
want to be?

Page 22 Closure to Courage Workbook

JMU Counseling Center • SSC 3 rd
Floor, Suite 3100 • 540-568-6552 • jmu.edu/counselingctr
 Do I Know Me?
After a breakup, it can be worthwhile to reflect on who you are as
an individual. The better that you understand yourself, your
identities, and where you want to be, the better you can evaluate
your relationships.

• What are some words that describe me?(e.g., sister, friend,

athlete, adventurer)

• What activities did I enjoy before my most recent partner(s)?

• How would I be described by those that care about me?

Page 23 Closure to Courage Workbook

JMU Counseling Center • SSC 3 rd
Floor, Suite 3100 • 540-568-6552 • jmu.edu/counselingctr
 Relationship Investigation
While it may involve experiencing difficult or painful emotions and
thoughts, undestanding and reflecting on your most recent
relationship can offer new insights and aspects of closure that allow
you to move forward.

1. What factors led to this relationship ending?

2. How have you been feeling?

3. What has been the toughest part of the breakup?

4. What thoughts keep coming up for you?

Page 24 Closure to Courage Workbook

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5. What were some negative aspects of your relationship?

6. What were some positive aspects of your relationship?

7. What needs were not met in your relationship?

8. What would you do differently in a next relationship?

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9. How do you think this relationship has changed you for the
better?

10. What do you want your next relationship to be like?

11. What do you need (e.g. time, care, coping skills) to continue to
grow and develop as a person?

Page 26 Closure to Courage Workbook

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Floor, Suite 3100 • 540-568-6552 • jmu.edu/counselingctr
 Part 2: Self Study
Practice 1: Read over your relationship investigation and if you are
comfortable, consider sharing it with a trusted friend

Practice 2: Write a brief journal entry on where you are now compared to
the initial breakup (e.g., feeling better, the same, worse)
• Consider the following questions
o What did you already know?
o What did you learn?
o What surprised you?
o What are you curious about?

Page 27 Closure to Courage Workbook

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 CBT Worksheet
Situation (When? Where? What? With whom?)

Physical (What physical sensations did

you experience? What did you notice in your
body?)

Emotional (What feelings Cognitive (What went

came up for you during the through your mind? Is there a
experience?) meaning behind the
thoughts?)

Behavioral (What was your first instinct

and/or automatic response? What did you
do and/or avoid doing at the time?)

Page 28 Closure to Courage Workbook

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Floor, Suite 3100 • 540-568-6552 • jmu.edu/counselingctr
 SESSION 3:
New Horizons

Page 29 Closure to Courage Workbook

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 Key Points from Part 2

• Identifying needs and wants in a relationship can help

priotize what’s most important to you in a relationship

• It can be helpful to reflect on yourself as an individual and to

identify your values

• What is a “clean break” and how can it be helpful?

 Some relationships may end suddenly and others
may end more gardually
 In many cases, a gradual decrease in contact is less
harmful (except in cases of harm or manipulation)
 Firm boundaries related to contact can be helpful for
the recovery process

• Noticing the patterns in yourself and in your relationships

can help to inform future choices about relationships

Page 30 Closure to Courage Workbook

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Floor, Suite 3100 • 540-568-6552 • jmu.edu/counselingctr
 Cultural and Familial Expectations
Many individuals feel pressure from aspects of their culture or
family norms regarding relationships. Cultivating a better
understanding of these pressures may help while navigating
conflicts and make it easier to prioritize oneself.

Ask yourself:

1. Do I feel pressure or a need to be in a relationship? If so, what

are the sources of those pressures?

2. What models have been set for me regarding relationships? Am

I interested in following those models?

Page 31 Closure to Courage Workbook

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 Relational Overlap
Often, finding a person with similar interests can be a great way to
begin a relationship. However, sometimes a mismatch in how much
overlap our romantic partners want and how much overlap you
want can be difficult to navigate. As such, it can be valuable to
consider the degree of “overlap” in your relationship.

You
You
You
You
Romantic
Romantic Partner
Romantic Partner
Romantic Partner
Partner

How do you want the overlap to look in your next relationship?

______________________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________

How might the degree of overlap change as the relationship evolves?

______________________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________________
Page 32 Closure to Courage Workbook
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 Helpful and Healthy Dating Tips
• Be yourself
• Invest in yourself
• Be honest about what you are looking for
• Date for the fun, not for the destination
• If you are going to disappoint, do it early
• Learn to be a good listener
• Reflect on your expectations and how realistic they are
• Prioritize in-person communication

Moving Forward
• Relationships tend to go through a similar set of phases, for
example: the ‘honeymoon phase’ of attraction and romance.
• Reflect on these phases while considering whether or not to
engage in a relationship.
Attraction
and
Romance

Engagement Reality

Intimacy Commitment

Page 33 Closure to Courage Workbook

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 Unhelpful Ways of Thinking

Page 34 Closure to Courage Workbook

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 Setting Some Goals
Goals are excellent for encouraging us to work toward change, and letting us
know when we have achieved meaningful change.

Set two goals related to yourself. These goals might have to do with self-care,
establishing new routines, or moving toward your values.

1. ______________________________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________________________

2. ______________________________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________________________

Set two goals related to your relationships. These goals might have to do
with establishing boundaries or prioritizing your values in relationships.

1. ______________________________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________________________

2. ______________________________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________________________

Page 35 Closure to Courage Workbook

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 Some Final Thoughts
• There is no “perfect timeline” for how relationships happen.
• Short relationships, physical relationships, and friendships
are all legitimate relationships – and the ending of any of these
relationships may come with unpleasant feelings of grief and
loss. These feelings are natural and there’s often much to be
learned from them.
• The social comparison game comes at a heavy cost and
rarely offers anything in return.
• Dating apps are not the only means of meeting people. Go
out and do the things that offer meaning in your life and
chances are you will find people.
• If you have to be someone other than yourself for them, they
probably aren’t “the one”.
• You miss 100% of the shots your don’t take. Rejection and
disappointment are inevitable in life, you may as well take the
bat off your shoulder to swing.
• Pay attention to congruence bewteen words and actions.

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 APPENDIX

JMU CC Feedback Survey

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 Pleasant Activities
Acting Amusing Attending a Beachcombing Being alone Being with Being at the
people concert animals beach
Being Being coached Being Being in the Being at a Being at a Being with
complimented counseled country family get- fraternity/ friends
together sorority
Being with Being in the Being with my Being with Being told I am Being with Bird-
happy people mountains roommate someone I loved my parents watching
love
Boating/ Budgeting my Buying things Buying Camping Caring for Canning/
canoeing time for myself something for plants Making
someone I preserves
care about
Cheering for Collecting Combing/ Completing a Complimenting Cooking Counseling
something things brushing my difficult task or praising someone
hair someone
Dancing Dating Designing/ Discussing my Doing art work Doing Doing favors
someone I like Drafting favorite hobby experiments for people I
like
Doing Dreaming at Driving long Eating good Exploring/ Expressing Feeling the
housework night distances meals Hiking love to presence of a
someone Higher
Power
Fishing Fixing Gardening/ Gathering Giving gifts Giving a Getting up
machines Doing natural party for early
yardwork objects someone
Getting Giving Going to an Going to a Going to a Going to Going to a
massages massages amusement barber/ concert lectures luncheon/
park/ zoo beautician potluck
Going to a Going to the Going to a Going on Going to a play Going to a Going to a
health club/ movies museum nature walks/ restaurant reunion
sauna/spa field trips
Going to a Going to a Having Having Having friends Having a Having lunch
spiritual/ sports event coffee/tea daydreams over to visit lively talk with friends
peaceful place with friends
Having an Having spare Hearing jokes Helping Hiking Horseback Improving
original idea time someone riding my health
Kicking sand/ Kissing Knitting/ Laughing Learning Listening to Listening to
pebbles/leaves crocheting something new the ratio music
Looking at the Making Making food to Making a new Meditating/ Planning or Playing
stars/ moon charitable give away friend Doing yoga organizing sports
donations something
Playing cards Playing music Playing with a Playing in Playing a board Photography Repairing
pet nature game/ chess things

Reading Reminiscing Riding in an Running/ Saying prayers Seeing Seeing old

airplane jogging beautiful friends
scenery
Sewing Shaving Singing Sleeping late Smelling a Seeing good Solving a
flower or plant things puzzle/
happen to crossword
people
Speaking a Staying up Smiling at Taking a bath Using my Watching TV Writing in a
foreign late people strengths journal
language

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 Alternative Response Worksheet
Situation: (When? Where? What? With whom?)
A student invited me to a party in my residence hall, but I didn’t
know her very well and felt anxious about going.

Alternative Thoughts Alternative Behaviors: Alternative Feelings:

and Images: (Are these (What could you do that (What are feelings that
thoughts helpful? Are would be more helpful are more helpful? What
the anxious thoughts for you, others, &/or the if you acted and thought
100% true/accurate, situation? What are differently about the
100% of the time? What coping strategies that situation? How might
are other ways of might be helpful?) these changes help you
looking at this? What is feel differently?)
the bigger picture?) Coping Strategies I
Can Use: Excited
 Deep breathing Wanted
I may not be as
socially awkward as I  Distract myself
Liked
think.  Seek support from
a friend/ family Hopeful
If she invited me, she member
probably wants me  Do a pleasurable
there. activity
I might still have an  Use alternative
okay time even if I am response
anxious worksheet

Original Outcome: (What was the original outcome?) I stayed in my room

and watched Netflix.
Desired Outcome: (Using these new alternatives, what would you like the
outcome to be in the future?) I want to go to the party so that I can make
friends. If I feel too uncomfortable, I can always leave.

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If you're having trouble, ask yourself these questions:
Whenever we recognize an anxiety-related thought, feeling or behavior, it can
be very helpful to ask ourselves the following questions:

Alternative THOUGHTS:
1. What are other ways of looking at this situation?
2. Am I looking at the whole picture?
3. What might be a more helpful way of picturing this situation?
4. What unhelpful thinking styles might I be using here (see below)?
5. What is the evidence that my thoughts are true? Is there an alternative way of thinking
about this situation that is more true?
6. What is the probability that my thoughts will happen? What are some other things that
could happen that are equally, if not more, probable?
7. Have I had any experiences in the past that suggests that this thought might not be
COMPLETELY true ALL of the time?
8. Can I really predict the future? Is it helpful to try? What is more helpful?
9. Am I exaggerating how bad the result might be? What is more realistic?
10. Can I read people’s minds? What else might they be thinking (that’s not so negative)?
11. If a friend or loved one were in this situation and had this thought, what would I tell
them?

Common Cognitive Distortions (Unhelpful Thinking Styles)

All or Nothing Thinking: thinking in Over-generalizing: seeing a pattern based upon
absolute, black and white categories a single event or being overly broad in
conclusions we draw
Mental Filter: only paying attention Disqualifying the positive: discounting the
to certain types of evidence (e.g., good things that have happened
dwelling on the negatives)
Jumping to Conclusions: Magnification (catastrophizing) and
Mind reading: imagining we know minimization: blowing things out of proportion
what others are thinking or inappropriately shrinking something to make
Fortune telling: predicting the future it seem less important
Emotional Reasoning: assuming Should/Must Thinking: Using words like
because we feel a certain way, what “should”, “must”, “ought to” or “have to”
we think must be true
Labeling: assigning labels to Personalization: blaming yourself for
ourselves or others something you weren’t entirely responsible for
OR blaming others and overlooking ways you
may have contributed to the outcome

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Alternative BEHAVIORS:
1. What could I do in the moment that would be more helpful?
2. What’s the best thing to do (for me, for others, or for the situation)?
3. If my feared situation happens, how will I cope? What coping skills can I
use to handle my feared situation? What have I done in the past that was
successful?
4. Am I needing to work on acceptance, letting go of control, being okay with
less than perfect, or having faith in the future and myself?
5. Breathe: Focus your attention on your breathing. Imagine you have a
balloon in your belly, inflating on the in-breath, deflating on the out-breath.

Alternative FEELINGS:
1. What might it feel like if I acted/thought differently?
2. When I’m not feeling this way, do I think about this situation differently?
3. Are there any strengths or positives in me or the situation that I might be
ignoring?
4. What else might this anxiety be related to? Is it really about feeling _______?
5. Tell yourself: “This feeling will pass. It’s a normal body reaction.”

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 Alternative Response Worksheet
Situation (When? Where? What? With whom? What did you feel ______ about?)

Alternative Thoughts Alternative Behaviors: Alternative Feelings:

and Images: (Are these (What could you do that (What are feelings that
thoughts helpful? Are would be more helpful are more helpful? What
the anxious thoughts for you, others, &/or the if you acted and thought
100% true/accurate, situation? What are differently about the
100% of the time? What coping strategies that situation? How might
are other ways of might be helpful?) these changes help you
looking at this? What is feel differently?)
the bigger picture?) Coping Strategies I
Can Use:
 Deep breathing
 Distract myself
 Seek support from
a friend/ family
member
 Do a pleasurable
activity
 Use alternative
response
worksheet

Original Outcome: (What was the original outcome?)

Desired Outcome: (Using these new alternatives, what would you like the
outcome to be in the future?)

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 Grounding Exercises
When people become overwhelmed with distressing thoughts or feelings,
including intense anxiety, activities that keep your mind and body connected
(called “grounding”) can be helpful in regaining a sense of stability and mental
focus. The following are a number of grounding exercises to help firmly
anchor you in the present moment. You may need to try multiple different
exercises to find one or two that work best for you.

1. Remind yourself of who you are now. State your name, age and where you
are right now.
2. Take ten slow deep breaths. Focus your attention on each breath on the
way in and on the way out. Say the number of the breath to yourself as you
exhale.
3. Splash water on your face or place a cool wet cloth on your face.
4. Pay purposeful attention as you hold a cold (non-alcoholic) beverage in
your hands. Feel the coldness, and the wetness on the outside. Note the
taste as you drink. You can also do this exercise with a warm beverage.
5. Find a “grounding object” to hold, look at, listen to, and/or smell. This
could be a soft object such as a pillow or stuffed animal, a smooth stone you
found on the beach, a picture of a beautiful scene or loved one, and/or any
other object that represents safety or comfort.
6. Listen to music. Pay close attention and listen for something new or
different.
7. If you wake up suddenly during the night and feel disoriented or
distressed, remind yourself who you are and where you are. Look around
the room and notice familiar objects and name them. Feel the bed you are
lying on, the softness of the sheets or blankets, the warmth or coldness of
the air, and notice any sounds you hear. Remind yourself that you are safe.
8. Feel the clothes on your body, whether your arms and legs are covered or
not, and the sensation of your clothes as you move in them.
9. While sitting, feel the chair under you and the weight of your body and legs
pressing down on it.

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10. If you are lying down, feel the contact between your head, your body and
your legs, as they touch the surface you are lying on. Starting from your
head, notice how each part feels, all the way down to your feet, on the soft
or hard surface.

11. Stop, look, and listen. Notice and name what you can see and hear nearby
and in the distance.
12. Look around you, notice what is front of you and to each side, name first
large objects and then smaller ones.
13. Get up, walk around, take your time to notice each step as you take one
then another.
14. If you can, step outside, notice the temperature, the sounds around you,
the ground under your feet, the smell in the air, etc.
15. “54321” Grounding Exercise:
o Name 5 things you can see in the room with you.
o Name 4 things you can feel (tactile; e.g. “chair on my back” or “feet
on floor”)
o Name 3 things you can hear right now
o Name 2 things you can smell right now
o Name 1 good thing about yourself
16. Write and/or say grounding statements
o This situation won’t last forever
o This too shall pass.
o I can ride this out and not let it get me down.
o My anxiety/fear/sadness won’t kill me; it just doesn’t feel good
right now.
o These are just my feelings and eventually they’ll go away.

Adapted from: http://www.livingwell.org.au/well-being/grounding-exercises/

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 Breathing Exercises
Belly (or Diaphragmatic) Breathing
You can do this exercise in any position, but it is helpful to do this exercise while
lying down when first learning belly breathing.
1. Lie comfortably on your back, with a pillow under your head, your knees bent
and your back flat. You can stretch your legs out if that's more comfortable.
2. Place one hand on your belly and one hand on your upper chest.
3. Inhale slowly and expand your belly as you breathe so that your lower hand
moves with your belly. The hand on your chest should remain as still as possible.
4. Slowly exhale, focusing on the movement of your belly and lower hand as it
returns to its original position.
5. Repeat steps 3 & 4 for several minutes, always focusing on the movement of the
belly as you breathe. If your mind wanders, gently bring your attention back to
your breathing.

Breath-Counting Exercise
This exercise focuses on the use of counting with the rhythm of the breath. Start
with a short period of time and gradually increase the time. Set a timer so that you
do not have to worry about when to stop.
1. Find a comfortable position. Take several deep breaths and settle into yourself.
You may either close your eyes or keep them open, depending on your own
comfort. If you keep them open, fix them on an object or a spot on the floor about
four feet in front of you. Your eyes may be either focused or unfocused.
2. Take deep, comfortable breaths. Notice your inhalation. The pause between
inhaling and exhaling, your exhalation, and the pause before starting again.
3. As you inhale, count, “one...” As you exhale, count, “two...” Inhale, “three...” Exhale,
“four...” Continue until you reach 10 then start over.
4. If you lose count, simply begin with “one” on your next inhalation.
5. If you notice your mind has wandered, gently notice this, and return your focus
back to counting your breath.
6. If you notice any body sensations catching your attention, focus on that
sensation until it fades. Then return your attention back to counting your
breaths.

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 Online Resources
TimelyCare Self-Help Modules (Meditation, Yoga, Breathing)
app.timelycare.com/explore

Mayo Clinic Stress Reduction Website

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/mindfulness-exercises/MY02124

Meditation Oasis www.meditationoasis.com

Mindful www.mindful.org

Mindfulness Research Guide http://www.mindfulexperience.org/

Apps for your Smartphone, Tablet, or Computer

ACT Coach Mindfulness Coach
Breathe2relax Mindshift
Breathing techniques by Hemalayaa T2 Mood Tracker
CBTi-Coach Take a break!

Additional Counseling Center Resources

Upcoming Counseling Center Workshops:

https://www.jmu.edu/counselingctr/services/workshops.shtml

Counseling Center’s Oasis (Relaxation) & Studio (Creative Arts) Self Care
Spaces https://www.jmu.edu/counselingctr/services/self-care-spaces.shtml

Counseling Center Taking Care of Yourself Resources:

https://www.jmu.edu/counselingctr/self-help/self-care/index.shtml

Counseling Center Healthy Relationship Resources:

https://www.jmu.edu/counselingctr/self-help/relationships/index.shtml

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 CBT Worksheet
Situation (When? Where? What? With whom?)

Physical (What physical sensations did

you experience? What did you notice in your
body?)

Emotional (What feelings Cognitive (What went

came up for you during the through your mind ? Is there a
experience?) meaning behind the
thoughts?)

Behavioral (What was your first instinct

and/or automatic response? What did you
do and/or avoid doing at the time?)

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