1.
Never walk without a document in your hands
People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for
important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for
the canteen. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're heading for the
toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus
generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.
2. Use computers to look busy
Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can
send and receive personal e-mail, chat and generally have a blast without doing
anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the
proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they're not bad
either. When you get caught by your boss - and you *will* get caught -- your best
defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving
valuable training expenses.
3. Messy desk
Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like
we're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your
workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's
volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to
your desk, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and
rummage for it when he/she arrives.
4. Voice Mail
Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because
they want to give you something for nothing - they call because they want YOU to do
work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If
somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work,
respond during lunch hour when you know they're not there - it looks like you're
hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel.
5. Looking Impatient and Annoyed
Always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that
you are always busy.
6. Leave the office late
Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read
magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until
late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out. Send
important emails at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc.) and during public
holidays.
7. Creative Sighing for Effect
Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are
under extreme pressure.
8. Stacking Strategy
It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor
etc. (thick computer manuals are the best).
9. Build Vocabulary
Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new
products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember:
They don't have to understand what you say, but you will sound impressive.
10. Have 2 Jackets
If you work in a big open plan office, always leave a spare jacket draped over the
back of your seat. This gives the impression that you are still on the premises. The
second jacket should be worn while swanning around elsewhere
11. MOST IMPORTANT:
DON'T forward this to your boss by mistake
