H OW TO:
Recover from
being in a
relationship
with a
narcissist
Never argue with someone who
believes their own lies
DANIEL MARK SCHWARTZ
Table of
Contents
01
About Kelsey Grimm & Healing Spaces
Kelsey is the founder of Healing Spaces and ridiculously passionate
about Mental Health Learn about what she cares about and what it is
like to be supported by the amazing counseling team at Healing
Spaces.
02
What is Narcissism
Learn more about what narcissism is and how to better understand
it.
What do Narcissists do:
03 Narcissistic Supply
04
What do Narcissists do:
Gaslighting
05
What can you do if you have a
narcissist in your life
06
Activity & Resources
Hungry for more?
About Kelsey
Grimm
Hello, my name is Kelsey!
I am the Founder of Kelsey the Counsellor, a
counselling influencer brand dedicated to
creating a community of mental health
resources, and Healing Spaces, a clinical
counselling practice based in British Columbia.
I strongly believe in the power of the human
spirit, the ability to overcome obstacles, and
that the phoenix rises from the ashes.
I have witnessed brave people willing to face
challenges, willing to learn, and willing to
Healing Spaces Founder, Kelsey Grimm change. I believe my role is to support each
person who wishes to grow, grow - who
wishes to heal, heal - and who wishes to learn,
learn. I support each person uniquely, and
together we will face your current life
challenges and move through them towards a
brighter and better tomorrow.
xo Kelsey
HEALING SPACES @[Link]
About Healing
Spaces
Healing Spaces provides a warm and
welcoming place with our main focus on
supporting you move towards the life you
dream for yourself! We focus on counselling
support for anxiety, depression, grief, trauma,
chronic pain, and chronic illness.
We offer counselling to children, youth, adults,
couples, parents and families in person in
Kamloops , British Columbia and virtually all
over British Columbia.
Our team of counsellors are well trained and
Healing Spaces Office in Kamloops, British Columbia experienced in multiple areas of counselling
with different specialties. We offer in person
and virtual counselling options, which allows
our team to support you from the comfort and
safety of your own home.
HEALING SPACES @[Link]
What is Narcissism
Why are narcissists so narcissistic?
Narcissists are hurting.
I AM NOT JUSTIFYING THEIR BEHAVIOUR.
I just think it might be helpful to understand.
I want you to imagine this...
There is a small person sitting in the very centerpoint of a giant castle. They are in a
locked room and there are guards surrounding the only entrance into this room. Around
these guards are more guards. And around them more guards. And then there is a moat
with alligators, a drawbridge and more guards. They are in the middle of nowhere and
around the city limits are more guards and perhaps another alligator or two.
Narcissists have such a vulnerable sense of seld the only want to create a sense of safety
for themselves to create another persona and hide their vulnerabilities. What happens,
however, is that no one wants to get close to them or when we do we constantly are
fighting with an alligator. The narcissist tries to convince us that we are in the wrong but
there could be nothing further from the truth.
Being in a relationship with someone who is a narcissist or has narcissistic tendencies is
really really really hard, often toxic and can be abusive.
One of the most challenging things about being in a relationship with a narcissist is they
are highly unlikely to change. We are the ones who have to decide if we are going to
continue to be in this relationship as it is or if we are going to step away.
HEALING SPACES @[Link]
What do Narcissists do:
Narcissistic Supply
What is Narcissistic Supply?
Think of narcissistic supply as the energy that keeps the narcissist going.
If they are running low on their supply, they might struggle with their feeling of security and
power. To regain a sense of security and power, they might try to gather more narcissistic
supply.
They might look at ways that are socially acceptable to get recognition or accolades. They might
search for 'way to go's' from their workplace, community or family.
They might feign empathy or vulnerability because they know it is a socially acceptable way to find
connection and attention.
Getting Narcissistic Supply in a relationship looks like:
- Pretending to care about your feelings
- Pretending to empathize with you
- Reducing their abusive behaviour temporarily to convince you it isn't that bad.
- Try to get more attention/affection from you.
- Remind you of how skilled/brilliant/capable/great they are.
- Seeking negative attention (any is better than none)
- Trying to do something 'special' for you but really it is only to boost themselves up
[Link] @[Link]
What do Narcissists do:
Gaslighting
What is gaslighting ?
Acting in such a way to cause another to question your own reality.
The term gaslighting has gotten a lot of public attention. It can be used out of context if we don't really
understand it. But when it is actually happening, it's implications are significant.
Gaslighting is when someone acts in such a way that it causes the other person to question what they
have done, what they think, what they believe, and about their perception of reality. It's like pulling the
rug out from underneath you.
One of the tricky things about gaslighting is often it is used by a person trying to keep or obtain power
and control over another in a relationship. This is an important feature because it is used with mal
intent.
The danger is if we start to question our own reality we then may buy into their false reality and can
become further entrenched in this power struggle. It's hard to see it when it is happening but it can be
very dangerous.
GWhat does gaslighting look like?
- Someone is lying in such a way, you start to question what you know as true.
- Someone manipulation the facts or the perception of facts to lead you to wonder if what you know is true
- Someone smooth talking you into believing you are completely at fault, but it is okay you didn't mean to
Gaslighting can sound like
- You don't know what you are talking about
- You really hurt my feelings, how do you think I feel when you think I am lying to you
- I think you are really having an off day
- How could you ever believe that about me?
- Really, you think that? I only want what is best for you. How could you say that? After all I do for you?
- Have you taken your meds today?
-Who is putting these ideas in your head?
[Link] @[Link]
What can you do if you have a
narcissist in your life?
Recognize it is happening.
One of the hardest things about being in a relationship with a narcissist is that we don't
always see it happening to us! The beahviour we see might not look like what we would
expect behaviour of a narcissist to look like.
It is not always the case that they overtly seek attention of others and drive a flashy car
and have a fancy high paying job. Someone can look rather typical in a typical job with a
typical car and still exhibit narcisisstic tendencies in their relationships.
It is not always the case they yell at us and create overt violence in our relationship. They
might be more covert and use guilt tripping and manipulative tendencies. They might not
allow space for you in the relationship or allow your emotions to be validated.
Recognize you are not doing anything wrong!
It's not you it's me does apply here!
You have not done anything wrong. You are not doing anything wrong. You do not
deserve this type of treatment.
It is likely the other person is not going to change. So you can choose to make some
changes in how you respond to their narcisisstic tendencies or you can change the
dynamic of the relationship.
Depending on who the person is in your life and how you are doing might influence your
decision.
Whatever decision you make today is a great decision for today. You can make a
different decision tomorrow if you want to.
[Link] @[Link]
Activity
STEP 1: Consider your relationship and what your own thoughts and feelings
are
You will need:
- Some quiet space
- Some time
- Something to write things down, if that is your way
- A trusted loved one, if that is your way
What you do:
1) Consider - if you felt safe - what you would tell this person. All the things you have
never said and probably some things you will likely never say. This is NOT about
communicating these things to them, it is about giving yourself space to think about what
you think about the situation.
2) Breathe in and out.
3) Feel all those feelings and express them in a safe way. Perhaps you can journal or yell
into a pillow. You can go for a walk or talk with someone you trust.
4) Remember to believe yourself and your feelings. Your feelings are giving you
information. Start by listening to them and believing them no matter what anyone says.
5) Write down or try to remember what you know is true. When you have some space
from the other person try to hear your own voice. Try to document it in written form if safe
or just by memory if you can't write it down. If and when you start to stray from what you
believe remind yourself of what is true.
STEP 2: Start creating change
Change the game.
- Start small and ensure you take action in a way that you might feel nervous but safe.
- Choose the path of least resistance. See if there is an opportunity to respond differently.
- Consider setting a boundary and then remind them you will be setting that boundary
when it is likely crossed.
Don't expect them to want to change or like it when you change the dance
- Use "I" language. For example, "I have decided I need something to change. I am going
to ask that when xyz happens we do abc instead of lmnop"
- Expect resistance and keep going.
- Expect them not to respond kindly all the time
-Keep an eye out for new ways they might be seeking narcissistic supply
[Link] @[Link]
Resources
Playlist Book/Article App
Video Podcast
What is Narcissism What is Gaslighting
Kelsey the Counsellor Kelsey the Counsellor
[Link] [Link]
v=AAj-gcWTGKc v=szZtHxHNpuw
A Narcissist as my Teacher
Kelsey the Counsellor
[Link]
v=wu2SGBVMTCQ
NarcissistTrauma Recovery
Podcast Lindsay Gibson
Trust me - check it out! Adult Children of Emotionally
[Link] Immature Parents: How to Heal
ast/the-narcissistic-trauma-
from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-
recovery-podcast/id1527479270
Involved Parents
[Link]
ion/Adult_Children_of_Emotionall
y_Immature_P/cZpGCQAAQBAJ?
hl=en&gbpv=1&printsec=frontco
ver
[Link] @[Link]
Thank You
Feel free to reach out if you have
any questions! I am looking
forward to chatting with you!
kelsey@[Link]
[Link]/[Link]
[Link]/[Link]
[Link]/channel/UCptyZFA-nwt3hUyGKSwKWHg/
[Link]/@[Link]
778-860-3120
[Link] @[Link]
