RELATIONSHIPS - Co-Dependent vs.

Authentic

As we continue on our paths of recovery from co-dependence, we learn to differentiate

between unhealthy dysfunctional relationships and authentic relationships. We look at past
behaviours and patterns and compare them with how we engage in present relationships.
The following chart shows aspects of co-dependent relationships and authentic
relationships. Our goal to ultimately sustain a healthy relationship includes building a
friendship first, keeping a promising relationship moving forward, retaining our identity,
boundaries and values and learning to share with another person.

Co-Dependent/Addicted Authentic
Relationships Relationships
Due to my dysfunctional upbringing I gravitate
I am attracted to your thoughts, ideas,
towards emotionally unavailable, needy
personality, sense of humour, the way you
partners who will likely be addicted to drugs,
present yourself and our common interests.
alcohol, gambling, sex etc
Because I am in recovery, I no longer rush in
I accept sex when I really want affection. I’m
to relationships. I want to develop a
afraid you won’t stay around if I don’t give
friendship first before taking the relationship
you what you want.
to the next level.
I take my time getting to know you. I want to
I talk with you for hours about our traumatic
make sure you’re emotionally available,
pasts. We both come from dysfunctional
capable of loving and respecting me, not just
families. I feel as if I have known you all my
during the “honeymoon” phase, but
life. You are my soul mate.
consistently, over a period of time.
I value my time with friends and family and
I want to spend all my free time with you. I
continue to pursue my interests. In addition,
blow off friends and family obligations. I feel
I look forward to the time we spend
incomplete without you.
together.
I put on a façade in order to gain your I’m not afraid to be emotionally intimate
approval. I believe if you knew the real me, with you. I’m willing to show you the real
you would reject me. me.
I quickly become enmeshed in your life. The I remain my own person. By practicing
more indispensable I am to you, the more healthy boundaries and expressing my needs
secure I feel. I believe you won’t leave me. directly, I avoid being engulfed by you.
Together, you and I make a whole. When We come together as two separate people
you’re not around, I feel as if something is who encourage each other’s personal
missing. growth and process.
I take my identity from you. I am preoccupied
I remain self-assured with my own identity. I
with all the details of your life: your friends,
value my accomplishments, make my own
your work, how you spend your time away
decisions, and approve of my behaviours.
from me.
 My happiness and joy are the result of the
You become my primary focus. My happiness
relationships I have with my Higher Power. I
depends on you. You are my “higher power”.
am able to share my happiness with you.
I realise I am an adult, capable of taking care
I fear being abandoned by you because, as a
of my needs. Therefore I can never really be
child, someone I loved abandoned me. I’m
abandoned. My Higher Power is always
afraid of being alone.
present to love and guide me.
I turn my will and my life over to my Higher
I am jealous, possessive and controlling. I
Power. I no longer have to be in charge. I
listen to your phone conversations, read your
accept that whatever happens in my life is
email, and go through your pockets. I don’t
for my ultimate good. I trust my Higher
trust you.
Power.
I use whatever means necessary including I am realistic about our relationship. I realise
lying, manipulating and evading to get what I that a healthy relationship involves give and
want from you. take, negotiation and compromise.
I am addicted to the chaos and drama in our
relationship. It reminds me of growing up in We share love and happiness. We value and
my family of origin. When things are going appreciate the peaceful times in our lives.
well, I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I am uncomfortable if you don’t approve of I am okay with myself, character defects and
what I’m doing, wearing or saying. all. I love and accept myself as I am.
I focus on your positive qualities and accept
I focus on your negative traits and tell you
your character defects. I remember why I
how you should change.
fell in love with you.
If our relationship ended, I would feel sad.
If our relationship ended, I would feel Before getting into another relationship, I
depressed, angry, hopeless and scared. In would take time to grieve the loss. To avoid
order to avoid these feelings, I would making the same mistake again, I would try
desperately seek a replacement as soon as to figure out what went wrong. My self-
possible. I would blame you for the break-up. worth would remain intact and I would still
care about you.

Source: Pages 24-25 “Peeling the Onion” CoDA Booklet