TO LOVE OR TO DEPEND - WALTER RISO

Love or depend?, by Walter Riso, emerges as an attempt to purify love and

free him from his neurotic elements that, like "spells", make us
let's lose in the "folds of your pleasures".
Behind all the existing arsenal of documents lies the fearful attempt
to discover the 'dangerous' aspects of the most coveted of human aspirations.
Riso decides to show reality and says not to confuse love with the
affective dependency, since the latter generates suffering and depression. Millions of people
In the world, they are victims of inadequate romantic relationships. The fear of loss, of
abandonment and many other aspects cause insecure love to hurt us
at all times.
In the first part, it presents an approach to affective dependency and its issues.
understood, marking the central schemes of all emotional dependence: the little
capacity for suffering, low tolerance for frustration and the illusion of
permanence. Associated with these difficulties, the following are also presented.
vulnerability to suffering, the fear of abandonment, low self-esteem and the
problems of self-concept.
In the second part, the book shows how to promote emotional independence and talks about the
exploration, autonomy, and the meaning of life. Finally, it teaches us to disconnect
two emotional loves through the principle of affective realism, of self-respect and the
self-control.
The third part, 'Overcoming Emotional Dependency', is the most extensive. Its content
suggests strategies to disengage from unhealthy relationships and not fail in doing so
attempt. (I disagree! We are not immune to anything!)
Emotional addiction has the characteristics of any other addiction, but with certain
peculiarities that still need to be studied more thoroughly. There are no
primary or secondary prevention campaigns, nor very treatments
systematized against the
love sickness.
Unmeasured love does not impact us as much as unlove.
Who hasn't at some point suffered the effects of irrational romantic attachment? (someone not)
suffer, although most suffer.) Emotional dependency is the worst of addictions. (I don't know!)

AFFECTIVE DEPENDENCE IS A VICE DEPENDING ON THE PERSON YOU LOVE IS

A way to bury oneself alive, an act of self-mutilation.
PSYCHOLOGICAL IN WHICH SELF-LOVE, SELF-RESPECT, AND OUR
ESSENCE IS OFFERED AND PRESENTED IRRATIONALLY. WHEN
DEPENDENCE IS PRESENT, TO GIVE IN, MORE THAN AN ACT OF
UNINTERESTED AND GENEROUS AFFECTION IS A FORM OF CAPITULATION,
A surrender driven by fear in order to preserve
THE GOOD THINGS THAT THE RELATIONSHIP OFFERS. UNDER THE DISGUISE OF LOVE
ROMANTIC, THE AFFECTIVELY DEPENDENT PERSON STARTS TO SUFFER A
SLOW AND UNRELENTING DEPERSONALIZATION UNTIL IT TRANSFORMS INTO A
ANNEX OF THE PERSON "BELOVED, A SIMPLE APPENDIX. WHEN THE
DEPENDENCE IS MUTUAL, THE PLOT IS FATEFUL AND TRAGICOMEDY: IF ONE
SNEEZE, THE OTHER BLOWING THE NOSE. OR, IN A SIMILAR DESCRIPTION
DOENTIA: IF ONE FEELS COLD, THE OTHER PUTS ON THE COAT.
Contradictorily, tradition tried to instill in us a distorted paradigm and
pessimistic: authentic love, inevitably, must be infected with
dependence. A total absurdity.
In many cases, no matter how harmful the relationship is, people are unable
to put an end to it. In others, the difficulty lies in a total incompetence to
to resolve abandonment or emotional loss. In other words: either they do not come to terms with the
break or remain, inexplicably and obstinately, in a relationship that does not
it doesn't make any sense.
I answered that I do not believe a person should...
falling out of love to end a relationship... (IMPORTANT! I LIKED THIS!)
similar to drug dependence----“What therapy tries to encourage in
addicted people is basically self-control so that, still
needing the drug, be able to fight against the urgency
be free. you must learn to overcome the fears that hide
behind irrational attachment, improve self-efficacy, raise the
self-esteem and self-respect, develop strategies for the
problem solving and to have greater self-control. And all of this
you must do it without stopping to feel what you feel for him. That's why
it's so hard.
A good couple relationship should also be based on respect and communication
sincere, in desire, in tastes, in religion, in ideology, in humor, in sensitivity and
in more hundred pieces of affective survival.
The dependency diagnosis was based on the following points: a)
despite the mistreatment, the dependence had increased over the months and of the
the absence of the boyfriend or not being able to have contact with him produced a total
withdrawal syndrome that, above all, could not be resolved with any
another "drug";c) there was a persistent desire in her to leave him, but her attempts
they were fruitless and little compelling; d) invested a large amount of time
the effort to be with him, at any cost and overcoming everything;
due to the relationship, he suffered a clear reduction and alteration of his
social, professional and recreational development; ef) continued to nurture the bond,
despite being aware of the serious psychological repercussions for their health. A
case of "love dependency" without much love.
WANTING SOMETHING WITH ALL YOUR STRENGTH IS NOT BAD; TO TURN THIS
SOMETHING IS ESSENTIAL, YES. THE AFFECTIVE DEPENDENT PERSON NEVER
SHE IS PREPARED FOR LOSS BECAUSE SHE CANNOT CONCEIVE OF LIFE WITHOUT HER
SOURCE OF SECURITY AND/OR PLEASURE. WHAT DEFINES DEPENDENCE IS NOT
BOTH THE DESIRE AND THE INABILITY TO RENOUNCE IT. IF THERE IS
WITHDRAWAL SYNDROME, THERE IS IRRATIONAL ATTACHMENT.
More specifically, it could be said that behind all
dependency there is fear and, further back still, some kind of
incapacity. For example, if I am unable to take care of myself.
still, I will be afraid of being alone and I will cling to the sources of
available security represented by different people.
We mistakenly understand emotional independence as being the hardening.
of the heart, indifference or insensitivity, but it is not like that. Detachment is not
unrequited love is a healthy way to relate whose premises are the
independence, saying no to possession and no to dependence.
Declaring oneself affectively free is promoting affection without oppression, it is
distance oneself from the harmful... The individual who decides to break away from the
the partner's dependency understands that to disconnect psychologically
it is not to foster emotional coldness, because interpersonal relationships in us
makes humans. We cannot live without affection, no one can do it.
that's true, but we can love without enslaving ourselves. ONE THING IS
DEFENDER THE AFFECTIVE BOND, AND ANOTHER VERY DIFFERENT IS
ENFORCE YOURSELF WITH HIM.
Why do we get offended when the other does not feel anguish about our absence?
Why does it unsettle us so much that our partner doesn't feel jealous?
Are we really ready for a non-dependent relationship? Ever?
Did you try? Are you willing to take the risk of not mastering, of not possessing, and of
learning to lose? Have you ever seriously set out to face your
fears and to undertake the adventure of loving without dependency, not as something
theoretical, but in fact? If you did that, you certainly found out that there is no
evident contradiction between being the master of one's own life and loving the person
What is next to you, isn't it true? There is no incompatibility between loving and loving.
itself. On the contrary, when both forms of affection dissociate and
imbalance appears, mental illness arises.
OS ACTIVE-DEPENDENTS CAN SE TO RETURN DOCUMENTS E
HYPERVIGILANTES, TO HAVE OUTBURSTS OF ANGER, DEVELOP PATTERNS OF
OBSESSIVE BEHAVIOR, PHYSICALLY ATTACKING OR CALLING
INAPPROPRIATE ATTENTION, INCLUDING THROUGH ATTACKS
AGAINST ONE'S OWN LIFE. THE PASSIVE-DEPENDENT TEND TO BE
SUBMISSIVE, SWEET AND EXTREMELY OBEDIENT
TO TRY TO BE PLEASANT AND AVOID ABANDONMENT.
The second form of energy waste is not due to excess, but to lack.
affectively dependent subject concentrates all pleasure capacity on the person
"loved", at the expense of the rest of humanity. Over time, this exclusivity
it is transforming into fanaticism and devotion: "My partner is everything". The joy of life
it reduces to a minimal expression: the life of the other.
Emotional dependency makes one ill, castrates, incapacitates, eliminates criteria, degrades.
and submits, depresses, generates stress, scares, tires, wears out and, finally,
it eradicates any remaining trace of humanity available.
Emotional immaturity implies a naive and intolerant perspective towards certain
situations in life, usually uncomfortable or adverse. A person who does not have
developed emotional maturity or intelligence will have difficulties
in the face of suffering, frustration, and uncertainty.
Some people halt their emotional growth in certain areas, even though
in others they work wonderfully well.
Three most important manifestations of emotional immaturity related
on emotional dependency in particular and on addictions in general: a) low tolerance to
suffering - LAW OF LEAST EFFORT - PREVENTING STRESS IS HEALTHY
(THE TORMENT FOR THE SAKE OF TORMENT IS NOT RECOMMENDED FOR ANYONE)
BUT BE MORE SUSCEPTIBLE, TO SIT DOWN AND CRY AT THE FIRST STUMBLE AND
WANTING LIFE TO BE REWARDING 24 HOURS A DAY IS,
DEFINITELY, CHILDISH. Not everyone has the same levels of pain tolerance.
In other words, if a person cannot endure a minimum of suffering, they feel
unable to face anything unpleasant and is desperately looking for the
Pleasure, the risk of becoming dependent is high. You will not be able to renounce anything that
enjoy, despite the harmful consequences, and will not know how to sacrifice immediate pleasure
for medium and long-term well-being; that is, it will lack self-control. b) low
frustration tolerance - THE WORLD SPINS AROUND ME TO TOLERATE
FRUSTRATION OF NOT ALWAYS BEING ABLE TO OBTAIN WHAT ONE EXPECTS MEANS
KNOW HOW TO LOSE AND ACCEPT WHEN THERE IS NOTHING TO BE DONE.
MEANS BEING ABLE TO ELABORATE LAMENTS, PROCESS LOSSES AND
ACCEPTING, EVEN IF RELUCTANTLY, THAT THE WORLD DOES NOT REVOLVE AROUND US
SURROUNDING. THERE IS NO NARCISSISM HERE, BUT IMMaturity.The childish trait resides
in the inability to admit that "cannot".The 'I want' is more important than the
I can't (in childish behavior). Wanting to have everything under your control is a
innocent attitude, but not very advisable. Many lovers do not decode the
what your partner thinks or feels, they don't understand it or ignore it as if it doesn't exist.
They are so absorbed in their emotional world that they do not recognize the
other people's motivations. When the other escapes your control or distances themselves emotionally,
recovery strategies have no limits or consideration; anything goes. Sometimes,
it is not love for the other, but self-love, pride, and the need to win:
Who does he think he is? How dare he leave me? Immaturity too
it can reflect in the sense of possession: "It's mine", "It's mine" or "I don't want to play"
with my toy, but it's mine and
I don't lend it out." c) the illusion of permanence.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Every effort to cling (hold, bind, grasp) to us will make us unhappy, because
sooner or later that which we cling to will disappear and pass. To connect
a transient, illusory, and uncontrollable thing is the source of suffering. Everything acquired
It can be lost, because everything is ephemeral. Attachment is the cause of suffering." Buddha
Everything flows, everything changes, everything is born and dies, nothing remains, everything dissolves; what has
principle has an end, what was born dies and the compound decomposes. Everything is transient,
insubstantial and therefore unsatisfactory. There is nothing fixed to cling to." Buddha
Accepting that nothing is permanent is not pessimism, but healthy realism.
Inclusive can serve as motivation to take a stand for the here and now.
Some marriages are nothing more than a jointly agreed kidnapping.
There is no relationship without risk.

A realistic person could argue something like this: "There are very few
the possibilities of my relationship breaking, remote even, but the possibility is always there
exists. I will be watchful.” A naive person will be carried away by the romantic idea of
that certain loves are invulnerable and unchangeable. The landing can be fatal.
For there to be emotional dependence, there must be something that
Justify for me: "What keeps me trapped in this relationship?" What
the secondary 'gains'? What are the impediments? (moral,
religious, economic,..)
Most dependent people are emotionally immature and very needy.
of care. As long as the pleasure principle and the security principle are in
game, even if it is in small doses, a person can cling to anything,
anywhere and in any way.
The listed forms are as follows: security/protection dependence; of
stability/reliability; of manifestations of affection, of manifestations of
admiration and well-being/pleasure from all good relationships (for example, sex, pampering,
tranquility and companionship.
1. A VULNERABILITY À DOR E A DEPENDENCY DE
SECURITY/PROTECTION "I AM NOT ABLE TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF"
THESE PEOPLE NEED SOMEONE STRONGER FROM THE POINT OF
PSYCHOLOGICAL VIEWPOINT, THAT SHOULD BE RESPONSIBLE FOR THEM. THE IDEA THAT
MOVE IS TO OBTAIN ENOUGH SECURITY/PROTECTION TO FACE A
PERCEIVED REALITY AS VERY THREATENING (the world is threatening!).
the final destination is highly predictable: without autonomy, without freedom and, of course, with
dependency. It is not necessary for the partner to be a black belt judoka as long as
that is there, visible and under the same roof.
2. O FEAR DO ABANDONMENTE A DEPENDENCY DE
STABILITY/RELIABILITY WE ALL EXPECT FROM OUR PARTNER
BE RELATIVELY STABLE AND, WITHOUT A DOUBT, FAITHFUL. IN FACT, MOST
PEOPLE WOULD NOT SUPPORT A FLEETING AND LITTLE RELATIONSHIP
RELIABLE, AND NOT ONLY FOR REASONS OF PRINCIPLE, BUT OF
MENTAL HEALTH. FROM ANY ANGLE, AN UNCERTAIN RELATIONSHIP IS
UNSUSTAINABLE AND ANGUISHING. ASPIRING TO A STABLE COUPLE LIFE
IT DOES NOT IMPLY ATTACHMENT, BUT BECOMING OBSESSIVE IN THE FACE OF POSSIBILITY
A BREAKUP, YES. In certain individuals, the quest for stability is
associated with a deep fear of abandonment and a hypersensitivity to rejection. The
trust turns, for them, into a compulsive need to relieve fear
advanced to the shortage.
3. LOW SELF-ESTEEM AND DEPENDENCE ON MANIFESTATIONS OF AFFECTION
IN THIS TYPE OF DEPENDENCY, EVEN INDIRECTLY, IT ALSO
SEEK STABILITY, THE MAIN OBJECTIVE IS NOT TO AVOID THE
ABANDONMENT, BUT FEELING LOVED. EVEN, MANY PEOPLE
CAN THEY ACCEPT THE SEPARATION SERENELY IF THE CAUSE IS NOT
TO BE RELATED TO HEARTBREAK: "I PREFER A SEPARATION WITH
LOVE FOR A MARRIAGE WITHOUT AFFECTATION.
Meanwhile, one thing is to enjoy receiving love and another very different thing is to remain
caught up in displays of affection. We worry about how much care we
they offer for us to check how much we are loved is exhausting for both those who give
how much for those who receive.
One of the most commonly used (incorrect) self-esteem indicators by the codependent says
regarding how sexually desired he is.
The Problems of Self-Concept and the Dependency on Being Admired
THE SELF-CONCEPT REFERS TO HOW MUCH I ACCEPT MYSELF. IT IS WHAT
I THINK OF MYSELF. AT ONE EXTREME ARE THE CHRONIC NARCISSISTS (THE
GOD'S COMPLEX) AND, IN THE OTHER, THOSE WHO LIVE DISAPPOINTED
I GET MYSELF (THE WORM COMPLEX).
Unlike what happened with low self-esteem, here the need is not for
love, but of recognition and adulation.
Deficit: Low self-concept 'I have no worth'.
Fear: Of disapproval/ of disdain.
Dependency: To be admired/recognized.
5. THE "NORMAL" DEPENDENCE OF WELL-BEING/PLEASURE OF ALL GOOD
RELATION.
The sexual attachment; The dependence on pampering/contemplation - "I know he has a thousand
defects. But it is so affectionate!” The dependence on companionship/affinity is very
stronger than we can believe. I saw extremely dependent people whose
the only and main bond was the convergence of tastes and inclinations. And even if not
be well from a sexual and emotional point of view, camaraderie and good company
they keep them closely united.
How to promote emotional independence while still continuing to love
Emotional dependency can be prevented through three principles:
1- exploration, If I lose the ability to inquire, to probe, and to be surprised by
other things, I will be stuck in the routine.
Pleasure gets pulverized, and the tendency to concentrate everything in one single point disappears.
example, in the partner). No one has a monopoly on well-being.
2- autonomy, or the art of being self-sufficient without being narcissistic; to establish the
limits of one's own privacy. (is everything said? Is everything shared?)
The third is the principle of the sense of life, or the art of distancing oneself from the mundane.
SELF-REALIZATION THIS PRINCIPLE REFERS TO THE CAPACITY TO
RECOGNIZE THE NATURAL TALENTS WE HAVE. This is the talent.
natural: a capacity guided by passion, which comes from within and brings others together
when it appears. If the vocation is carried out well, the mind becomes calm, and the
insecurities disappear. Fulfilling people are not possessive: they are
independent and encourage honesty among others. They do not need as much of the
irrational attachment because loss and terrible loneliness no longer scare them.
SENSE OF LIFE – TRANSCEND - Because the sense of life produces schemes
antidependence and promotes healthier ways to relate emotionally
in at least four basic areas: a. The people who acquire a sense for the
they manage to distance themselves from worldly things and gain a broader perspective
complete and profound of life. In general, they do not cling so much to earthly things,
including affection. It's not that they are not interested in the material, but they manage to place
the place it deserves. (develop potentialities)