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The Healthy Relationship Program:: A Workbook Series For Couples

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57 views171 pages

The Healthy Relationship Program:: A Workbook Series For Couples

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taurusho

We take content rights seriously. If you suspect this is your content, claim it here.

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The Healthy Relationship Program:

A Workbook Series for Couples

************

The Art of Forgiveness:

The Key Element in Every Successful Relationship

Richard Nicastro, Ph.D.

www.StrengthenYourRelationship.com
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any
means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage
or retrieval system, without permission in writing from the author.

Published by Richard Nicastro

Copyright © 2009 by Richard Nicastro

First Edition

Page i
Table of Contents

Disclaimer………………………………………………………………………………………….. v
Chapter 1: Introduction……………………………………………………………………….. 1
The words of couples who cannot forgive……………………………………………... 2
Why forgiveness?............................................................................................ 3

Chapter 2: Elements of forgiveness………………………………………………………. 6

Meet patient Tara……………………………………………………………………………….. 12
Meet catastrophizing Lauren……………………………………………………………….. 14
Get ready to intensify your forgiveness workout!.......................................... 18
Forgiveness Sentence Completion Assessment………………………………………. 24

Chapter 3: Why forgiveness is so difficult for couples and why it's

essential to your relationship……………………….………………………………………. 28
The formation of childhood wounds that impact marriage/relationship…… 29
The re-awakening of your childhood wounds in your marriage/relation-
ship……………………………………………………………………………………………………. 32
To Summarize…………………………………………………………………………………….. 36
Meet Samantha and her emotional Achilles' heel…………………………………… 37
Samantha's emotional Achilles' heel in the making………………………………… 37

Chapter 4: When forgiveness is lacking………………………………………………… 43

Forgiveness in action………………………………………………………………………….. 44

Chapter 5: The roots of self-forgiveness………………………………………………… 53

The roots of self-condemnation……………………………………………………………. 54
How the self-editing process played out for Eric…………………………………….. 60

Page ii
Moving toward radical self-forgiveness…………………………………………………. 62

Chapter 6: Forgiveness and your relationship……………………………………….. 68

Essential forgiveness skills…………………………………………………………………… 69
Empathy in action: Meet empathic Ron………………………………………………… 73
Scaling as a way to take perspective……………………………………………………… 76

Chapter 7: Forgiveness and your relationship: Part 2…………………………….. 79

It's the small daily blunders that can add up and do serious harm…………… 80
Conditions needed to practice the benefit of the doubt mindset………………. 83

Chapter 8: What can stand in the way of a forgiveness mindset………………. 88

Unrealistic expectations………………………………………………………………………. 88
Unforgiving role-models……………………………………………………………………… 92
Fear…………………………………………………………………………………………………… 94
Anger/Resentment……………………………………………………………………………… 97
Feeling that justice hasn't been served………………………………………………….. 102
The "I didn't do anything wrong" standby…………………………………………….. 104

Chapter 9: You have the power to forgive………………………………………………. 107

Communicate forgiveness when you are ready to forgive………………………… 108
Meet Timothy: "I accept your apology…but not really"…………………………… 108

Chapter 10: The history of forgiveness in your life………………………………….. 113

Family-of-origin assessment………………………………………………………………… 113

Chapter 11: A note on premature forgiveness…………………………………………. 116

Fear of abandonment………………………………………………………………………….. 117
Guilt………………………………………………………………………………………………….. 119

Page iii
A note on guilt and self-forgiveness………………………………………………………. 124
Easily manipulated……………………………………………………………………………… 128
Creating healthy boundaries………………………………………………………………… 130

Chapter 12: Building a collaborative atmosphere of forgiveness………………. 133

Openness and acceptance: Essential ingredients to collaborative forgive-
ness……………………………………………………………………………………………………. 134
The many faces of a judgment mindset………………………………………………….. 135
Criticalness: Comparison thinking in disguise……………………………………….. 135
The role of the ego………………………………………………………………………………. 137
The bridge of forgiveness exercise………………………………………………………… 140

Chapter 13: The role of acceptance in forgiveness…………………………………… 145

The importance of accepting differences……………………………………………….. 145
5 points to remember about acceptance………………………………………………… 147

Chapter 14: When the unthinkable happens: Healing from an affair………… 152

Chapter 15: Forgiveness Sentence Completion Assessment, revisited………. 158

Chapter 16: Concluding Remarks………………………………………………………….. 161

About Richard Nicastro, Ph.D………………………………………………………………. 163

Page iv
Disclaimer:

The Healthy Relationship Program is not designed to treat a mental disorder or replace
counseling. If you are experiencing mental symptoms that are negatively impacting
your ability to function, you should be evaluated by a mental health professional
trained to diagnose mental illness. The content of this workbook is informational and
should not be considered a substitute for counseling.

If you are in marriage or couples counseling, it is recommended that before

implementing the Healthy Relationship Program, you share the information in this
program with your counselor or therapist. This will allow your counselor to assess if s/
he feels that the information contained in the program is consistent with the goals you
have established in couples counseling.

If your relationship is volatile or abusive in any way, it is recommended that you seek
professional counseling.

Page v
Introduction:

Welcome to the Healthy Relationship Program—a series of comprehensive workbooks

designed to teach you the skills needed for a strong and vibrant relationship. The
Healthy Relationship Workbooks are both informational and interactive: As you read
you will be asked to answer questions about your life and complete different exercises
along the journey. The questions and exercises in this workbook were developed in my
work with couples over the past fifteen years. You may find certain exercises more
powerful than others—this is to be expected. But each question and exercise should be
given your full attention and best effort. To get the most out of this program, you will
need to roll up your sleeves and give it your all. (Remember: a healthy relationship
doesn’t just “happen”—it is the product of hard work and consistent effort.)

It is strongly recommended that you write out your responses to the questions
throughout this workbook. Spaces have been left for your responses; keep extra paper
handy so that you can answer in greater depth when you need to. Journaling has
several benefits and will allow you to revisit your responses and gain more objectivity.
Journaling can help you clarify and deepen your experiences—an essential part of the
Healthy Relationship Program.

So, are you ready to begin?

In this module, you will discover:

~The key elements of forgiveness

~The essential skills needed for forgiveness
~The role of forgiveness in your marriage/relationship
~How to create a collaborative forgiveness atmosphere where your relationship can

Page vi
thrive
~The role of self-acceptance and self-forgiveness
~How self-forgiveness leads to greater forgiveness of others
~Your forgiveness roadblocks and how to overcome them
~The role of your childhood in your ability to forgive
~Your unique emotional Achilles’ heel and how this impacts your ability to forgive
~Extensive assessment questions to deepen learning
~and much more!

Page vii
Chapter 1

Chapter 1: Introduction

"He who cannot forgive breaks the bridge over which he himself must pass."

~George Herbert

For the last fifteen years I've worked with hundreds of couples and have seen firsthand
the struggles they face—how a once solid and stable relationship can be pulled apart by
forces the couple never anticipated. The couples that come to see me are usually in
significant distress: problems have festered and grown to such a degree that the
individuals no longer recognize the marriage or relationship. For these couples, conflict
has replaced connection; togetherness has given way to isolation; and distress has
overtaken hope.

In my relationship workshops, I've also been lucky enough to work with very successful
couples, couples who have been together for many years and want to make sure their
relationship continues to fire on all cylinders. These "successful" couples are in no way
immune to relationship problems. In fact, many have described struggling at different
points along their journey but ultimately they've found their footing and were able to
build a strong and fulfilling union.

What distinguishes the healthy, successful marriages and relationships from the
relationships that continually falter?

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The Art of Forgiveness: The Key Element in Every Successful Relationship © 2009, Richard Nicastro, Ph.D.

The ability to forgive.

This module in the Healthy Relationship Program series focuses on the role of
forgiveness, a component that is accessible to everyone and one that is essential for
your relationship to grow strong and remain healthy. The ability to cultivate an
atmosphere of forgiveness seems to be absent in the couples who don't make it and it is
practiced regularly by the couples who flourish.

Listen in for a moment to these couples who struggle with forgiveness.

The words of couples who cannot forgive:

"After almost twenty years of marriage, things got pretty bad between us. I really don't
know what happened…it sounds cliché, but I think we just grew apart. We stopped
trying. We'd say things to each other that were hurtful and after a while we were just
two hurt, angry people who didn't like each other anymore. I started blaming him for
everything that is wrong in my life. I know it's not healthy, but I just couldn't let go of
feeling bitter…" ~Elaine, married nineteen years

"…I know I shouldn't have, but I just started keeping score at some point. It's like I had
a mental check-list and I was looking for all the ways Cindy would mess up. Sure I was
angry at her. The promises she made always seemed to be broken. At least, that's how I
saw it. I'm sure she tells a different story to her family and friends. But I guess what I
most regret when I look back is the anger I held in my heart. If I want my new marriage
to work, I have to learn how to forgive or I'll be in the same boat again." ~Gerard,
divorced from Cindy for five years and recently remarried

"Why should I forgive him? He'll only hurt me again. That's what he does; I don't know

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Chapter 1

why I'm still with him, but I do know I need to protect myself." ~Clarissa, dating her
boyfriend for eight months

While there are numerous factors that can lead to the dissolution of a relationship, the
patterns I've seen in the interaction between couples who make it (and seem happy)
and the couples who remain stuck in a stressful, dead-end relationship (or ultimately
split up) have to do with the ability to create a forgiveness mindset —the ability and
willingness to give each other the benefit of the doubt when faced with the daily
challenges of making a relationship work, and the ability to forgive one another when
life gets really difficult and frustrations mount between you both.

All couples need to acquire a forgiveness mindset—for the health and sanity of each
person and for the health of the marriage or relationship.

Why forgiveness?

Why do you need to practice forgiveness?

Because humans inevitably make mistakes (it’s an inextricable part of our job
descriptions), there will always be a need for forgiveness in relationships. All people
and therefore all relationships are inherently flawed--imperfect. We each have our own
personality quirks, some amount of emotional baggage, and core tender-spots that
linger from our childhood relationships and previous romantic relationships. These
emotional tender-spots can make us sensitive to feeling misunderstood, hurt, angry,
shamed, or lonely. Over the course of any intimate relationship, couples
unintentionally poke at, step on, and agitate each other's tender spots.

The importance of forgiveness in life certainly isn't new. The role of forgiveness has a

Page 3

long documented history and many world religions highlight the virtues of being able
to forgive the people in our lives who have hurt us. More recently, the field of
psychology has been studying the psychological and emotional benefits of being able to
forgive others (especially the benefits to the person doing the forgiving). Indeed,
forgiveness has become an important topic and the number of books covering the
subject of forgiveness has increased substantially over the last couple of decades.

However, the importance and role of forgiveness in the success of marriage or long-
term relationships has received little attention.

This workbook is designed to address the role of forgiveness in

While there are certain skills that your marriage or committed relationship and to help you and
can help couples work toward main- your partner develop a stronger relationship through the
taining a harmonious relationship
creation of a forgiveness mindset. The ability and willingness
(see ABCs of Effective Communica-
tion workbook for a detailed discus- to forgive is a powerful tool that can benefit all couples.
sion of the essential communication Typically when you think of forgiveness in marriage, it has to
tools needed for a healthy relation-
do with extreme violations of trust, such as infidelity. Clearly
ship), the effectiveness of these skills
will be undermined if you and your one's ability to forgive is severely tested when a relationship is
partner are unable to adopt a for- devastated by the fallout of an affair. In my work with couples,
giveness mindset throughout the life
I've repeatedly observed how relationship problems often
of your union. The reasons why this
is the case will become clearer as you result from the failure of couples to develop a forgiveness
read this module. mindset when faced with the common struggles we all face—
the daily "small forgiveness" challenges. This is the main focus
of The Art of Forgiveness: The key ingredient in every
relationship.

The power of these small challenges cannot be overstated. They often build up a toxic
residue that pulls couples apart—even strong relationships buckle under the weight of
cumulative stresses and unresolved transgressions. While not as dramatic and

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Chapter 1

immediate as an egregious betrayal, the daily relationship challenges can ultimately

turn out to be just as damaging to a marriage or relationship. General disagreements,
failure to see eye-to-eye on important issues, the inability or unwillingness to
compromise, the unchecked influence of stress and financial worries, conflicts over
child-care issues, are just some of the typical experiences that can add up and lead to
relationship trouble. These familiar, daily stresses and challenges often have a
cumulative effect, building momentum like a ripple in the ocean that slowly transforms
into a dangerous wave. Your relationship will become more resilient when these
challenges are filtered through the compassion of a forgiveness mindset.

Mutual forgiveness and understanding are lifejackets in rough relationship waters.

Before going further, let's briefly examine some of the main components of forgiveness.
Since forgiveness can mean different things to different people, it will be important to
create a shared understanding about this topic.

Page 5

Chapter 2: Elements of Forgiveness

Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.

~Paul Boese

Forgiveness, according to WordNet, is the “compassionate feelings that support a

willingness to forgive.” Although it’s tough to describe forgiveness without using its
important root and action verb “forgive,” there are other key words in this definition,
words that have a great deal to do with maintaining and nurturing a healthy, stable
relationship. Namely: compassion, support and willingness. All three tie into the act of
forgiving your partner and maintaining a close connection overall. Patience and the
ability to take perspective are also part of the forgiveness puzzle. If we make these
attributes of forgiveness the chorus and refrain of our relationships, we’ll be better
partners and happier people overall.

Let's look at some of the elements of forgiveness in greater detail:

Compassion: The ability to be emotionally impacted by another’s plight (along with a

desire to assuage the person’s difficulty) is the cornerstone of forgiveness. If you can’t
imagine how someone else is feeling as they struggle with difficult emotions or
situations, you won’t be in any position to forgive them if they’ve wronged you. And it's
important that the person seeking forgiveness has the ability to understand the impact

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Chapter 2

his/her behavior has had on you. Without the ability to feel compassion, the partner
who has erred is more likely to keep repeating his/her mistakes, oblivious to how you
are feeling.

When you practice compassion as a general rule, in your daily life, you will find
yourself feeling more content, more peaceful, and less stressed. When you practice
compassion in your intimate relationship, you treat your partner as you wish to be
treated and pave the way for a loving, respectful union. And you also open yourself fully
to your mate.

To get a better sense of the role of compassion in your relationship, you will now be
asked to answer a series of self-assessment questions.

Self-reflection action step:

As you answer these questions, keep in mind that compassion is an attitude, a behavior
and a way of approaching the world.

In what ways are you a compassionate spouse/partner?

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What stands in the way of you becoming more compassionate with your spouse or
partner?

Some people respond to this last

What is one small thing you can do each day to increase the
question by stating that they can
only become more compassionate if amount of compassion that is experienced and expressed in
and when their spouse/partner your marriage or relationship?
starts to show more compassion. It's
as if the other person has full control
of the compassion thermostat of the
relationship. But what if you began
to practice compassion in your rela-
tionship, independent of your part-
ner? What long-term impact do you
think this would have on the overall
quality of your relationship?

Support: Forgiving is also a way of offering support. As the person who has offended
you in some way seeks your forgiveness, you acknowledge that you’ve witnessed the
confession (emotional/real support) and you also provide a safe place for them to “fall.”

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Chapter 2

You’ve always understood that relationships require emotional support. But that’s
necessary not just when your partner deals with issues outside the relationship (e.g.,
dealing with an unreasonable boss), but also when the issues develop within the
relationship--even at times when you believe s/he is the cause of a particular problem.
This is clearly easier said than done. But such support can have a transformative
impact on your relationship.

As the person being asked to forgive, you may also need extra support from your
partner (and from others) to help bolster your forgiveness mindset and emotional
resources. After all, the process of forgiving isn't always easy and you can feel alone
and confused if you question your decision to forgive. It's not uncommon to want to
forgiven your partner, to show forgiveness, while at the same time hearing a faint voice
deep within you asking, "Are you really sure you want to forgive him/her?" Your
ambivalence doesn’t necessarily mean you're making a mistake by forgiving. Instead,
your uncertainty may reflect the depth of the pain that you continue to struggle with as
you try to regain your emotional footing.

Self-reflection action step:

How do you typically react when your partner/spouse (or anyone) asks for forgiveness
or when your mate apologizes for making a mistake that hurt or angered you?

Page 9

Note any patterns of how you respond that might exist across different types of
relationships (friends, coworkers, family, spouse or partner). If you notice any
patterns, how do they reflect a pro-forgiveness or anti-forgiveness mindset?

When you forgive your partner (for small errors or large ones), what do you need from
him/her to support your decision to forgive? (Be specific in describing what you need
from him/her.)

Patience: The virtue of patience will go a long way in creating and nurturing a
forgiveness mindset. When you practice patience, you place the relationship first,
above your own needs. This is a skill that needs to be cultivated. Whenever one of my
clients says, "But I'm such an impatient person…" my typical response is, "That needs
to change ASAP for the sake of your relationship." While most of us grow impatient at
times, an attitude of impatience (or the tendency toward impatience) has no place in
your relationship. Patience doesn't necessarily come easily to people who are able to
skillfully tolerate life's frustrations. Most of the tolerant people work at being tolerant.

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Chapter 2

A forgiveness mindset requires patience—and the skill that leads to greater patience is
called “frustration tolerance.”

People with underdeveloped frustration tolerance have a low threshold for stressful
circumstances. Children naturally exist in a state of impatience because of a low
threshold for dealing with frustration. Just picture the young
child who throws a tantrum whenever a parent says, "No, you
The seeds of forgiveness must grow
can't have that" or "Not now, maybe later." Unable to self-
in the soil of patience.
soothe, the child is flooded with intense emotions and
becomes physiologically overwhelmed. It's the egocentric, "I-
want-what-I-want-when-I-want-it" mindset (unfortunately,
some adults never outgrow this mindset) that contributes to poor frustration tolerance.
The journey to adulthood involves learning to tolerate frustration, being able to delay
gratification and the capacity to self-soothe and regulate your emotions whenever life
doesn't go as planned; in short, the maturation process involves a healthy dose of
patience.

As you can imagine, if you're easily frustrated and if impatience is a constant presence
in your relationship, then you're going to have trouble cultivating a forgiveness
mindset. (Rest assured: you still can develop a forgiveness mindset—it just might be
more of a challenge for you than someone who already has a high frustration
tolerance.)

One of the great philosophers and psychologists, William James, spoke about the
power of attention in shaping subjective experiences: "My experience is what I agree to
attend to." Those words are relevant here. Impatient people seem to hyper-focus on
what frustrates them. Let's look at a common universal experience: You're standing in
a long line at the grocery store. The line seems to be at a standstill. The people in front

Page 11

Document Title

of and behind you are sighing and making rude comments about the poor quality of
cashiers at this particular store. You can feel you own blood pressure rising as you
become increasingly annoyed with these delays and as you listen to the other patrons
complain. The external reality is that the line is moving very slowly and you have to get
on with your busy day. But while faced with these circumstances, you have a choice
over which subjective reality you want to create. In other words, feeding an experience
of impatience is just one option you have as you wait on this line. Of course there are
other options. Read on for Tara’s story.

Meet Patient Tara

Tara is a yoga instructor at a popular studio in southern California. One of the things
that jumps out when you first meet Tara is her calm presence. You get the impression
she's emotionally-centered and steady. And she is, but by her own admission, Tara has
to work at it. "My friends are surprised when I tell them that I've not always been a
patient person. Every day I work on it and it's made a huge difference in my life…"

What does Tara attribute to her success with patience? "I've retrained my focus so I
don't feed the negativity. There are so many opportunities to be negative and it will
suck you in if you let it." When I posed the scenario about waiting on an excruciatingly
long and slow-moving line at the grocery store, Tara explained, "You can tell yourself
it's a long line, but by saying that to yourself, you're already setting up a frustrating
experience because of what is implied. Instead, when I'm faced with unexpected delays,
I tell myself that I'm now given an opportunity for some quiet self-reflection as I wait
my turn. And I use this time to feed my soul with affirmations. I plan my day, I think
about my life goals, anything that feeds positive energy. I've been training my focus in
this way for over seven years now and I can't tell you the amazing difference it's made
in how I feel, my energy level, my attitudes, the people I attract. I used to be one of

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Chapter 2

those people on line huffing and puffing and cursing under my breath, but I made the
decision to change that."

Tara has learned to powerfully shape her life and her emotional reactions by changing
what she focuses on and attends to. She's living William James's quote—"my
experience is what I agree to attend to"—and it's made all the difference when it comes
to her ability to tolerate frustrating circumstances.

Self-reflection action step:

Think about the most patient person you know for a moment—someone you admire.
Picture this person in your mind's eye and describe the quality and energy this person
exudes below:

What thoughts do you imagine go through this person's mind that help with his/her
patient, emotionally-centered energy? List all the thoughts you imagine feed his/her
tranquil energy:

Page 13

Write these thoughts/attitudes on index cards and carry them around with you. Repeat
these thoughts to yourself often. Try to experience what you'd feel if these were your
thoughts (if you have trouble with this, use your imagination and try to envision which
feeling would result from these particular thoughts; what you'd feel in your body; the
level and quality of energy you would have).

Perspective: The ability to take perspective means that you’re able to step back from a
situation and see the big picture. We all lose our cool and our
ability to take perspective from time to time. A heated day-
When you find yourself getting in-
creasingly frustrated about some and-a-half argument over who left the milk out overnight is a
event that is beyond your control good example of losing perspective. People who have a don't-
(like sitting in traffic), imagine that
sweat-the-small-stuff attitude are able to take perspective;
same patient person you just wrote
about in the above exercise is sitting whenever you think, "While this feels like a big deal right now,
or standing next to you and calmly with some time and distance it won't really," you are taking
speaking to you. What comforting
perspective.
message would this person send
you? (Try to hear his/her particular
tone of voice, see his/her facial ex- People who have difficulty taking perspective often view
pression as you listen.)
events through a catastrophe mindset (the psychologist Albert
Ellis would say you were "catastrophizing" when you make
events larger than life and feel that the trials and tribulations
of life are always awful). Here the tendency is to blow things out of proportion and
become bogged down and overwhelmed with the day-to-day stresses that are a natural
part of relationships.

Meet Catastrophizing Lauren

Lauren's husband Steve appeared tired and beleaguered. In a session of couples

counseling, he shared the following concerns: "Everything has the potential to quickly

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Chapter 2

become a disaster for Lauren. It really shuts me down at times…I stopped telling her
about what happens at work because I get no support. Telling her just makes things
worse. A couple of weeks ago I made the mistake of telling her about something my
boss said and she immediately started saying, 'What does that mean? Oh God, if you
lose your job we're in big trouble…' She went on and on about everything that could go
wrong. I was just looking for a little support from my wife."

As you can see, Lauren quickly loses her perspective. According to Steve, her
interpretation of events seems to immediately jump to the worst case scenario. Steve
feels like a prisoner of Lauren's catastrophic reactions. As he stated, "If I'm not perfect,
I get perceived as the worst husband in the world."
In order to let go of the small rela-
By her own admission, Lauren overreacts and is likely to hold tionship hassles, you need to widen
your relationship-lens in order to
a grudge. "I've always been this way and I can see how it is a
mentally prioritize and see the big
stress to Steve, even though in the moment I can't see it. My picture. This is an effective way to
friends have told me the same thing. I just get so overwhelmed reduce the negative power of small
events. When you are overly at-
at times and when this happens, I can't see beyond my own
tached to a particular outcome ("My
worry…" wife must do…"; "He better not…"),
you become a slave to particular
outcomes and experiences that are
When Steve trips up as a husband (something all spouses/
ultimately beyond your control.
partners do), Lauren is unable to give her husband the benefit
of the doubt (which is a form of forgiveness)—without the
ability to take perspective, you will perceive your spouse/
partner as always falling short of your expectations and failing you in some way. This is
a major hurdle to the forgiveness mindset that is so vital for a healthy and long-lasting
marriage or relationship.

Page 15

Self reflection action step:

In order to take perspective, you can begin to question and challenge your
catastrophizing, perspective-destroying mindset. In order to accomplish this task, you
need to become aware of the thoughts that prevent you from taking perspective.

Whenever you find yourself having difficulty widening your perspective, it's important
that you ask yourself questions such as:

What outcome do I want and why am I demanding this particular outcome?

In the big picture of my marriage/relationship, realistically, how important is this

particular event?

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Chapter 2

While this event feels really important to me in the moment, in what way will I feel
differently about this event one week from now? Six months from now?

How important is this event to the long-term health of my marriage or relationship?

Relationship Rule: Meaningful inti-

macy requires that you open yourself
up emotionally to your partner—that
you show your spouse/partner your
emotional tender-spots. This allows
a deep and transformative connec-
tion to form in your relationship.
This also means that your partner
has the power to hurt you like no
other person in your life. For this
reason, mutual respect, compassion
and forgiveness need to be practiced
Before we go any further, it will be important for you to in every intimate relationship—and
connect on a deeper level with your forgiveness experiences. practiced each and every day.

The questions that follow are designed to help you access your
thoughts and feelings about forgiveness. Take your time while
reflecting on the questions (your responses may need to be primed by coming back to
these questions more than once). The more you access your attitudes and feelings, the
better you'll be able to determine what you'll need in order to make a forgiveness
mindset a regular part of your marriage or relationship. This self-assessment is a good

Page 17

starting point for you to determine where you are currently and where you would like
to end up when it comes to the role of forgiveness in your relationship.

Get ready to intensify your forgiveness workout!

Before we move onto the next section, I'd like you to reflect on and answer questions
related to forgiveness.

Please find a quiet and comfortable location that is conducive of self-reflection. In

order for you to have a meaningful experience with this workbook, you'll need to
exercise your mind and examine issues that you might never have looked at directly.
These questions were placed early in the workbook to help prime the pump of your
conscious and unconscious mind. So please don't rush or gloss over this section—your
answers will help enlighten your forgiveness journey and hopefully deepen your
learning throughout this workbook.

As you reflect on the following questions please write your answers out (the act of
writing can help you clarify your position and learn more about yourself and what your
relationship demands of you):

When you think about the word "forgiveness," list the thoughts and feelings that
immediately come to mind:

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Chapter 2

What blocks forgiveness (particular feelings, circumstances) for you?

Do you believe you can forgive someone and still protect yourself? If so, how?

Who were your models of forgiveness growing up? Give at least two examples of how
mistakes/transgressions were handled in your family:

Example 1:

Example 2:

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Think about and describe at least two experiences where you were forgiven for some
mistake/transgression you committed:

Example 1:

Example 2:

Reflecting on these two examples, what was the experience of being forgiven like? How
did it feel to be forgiven? How did you feel about the person doing the forgiving (what
stands out for you about how this person handled the situation)?

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Chapter 2

For a moment imagine that you weren't forgiven in these circumstances. Describe how
you would have felt and how things would have been different if you were not forgiven:

Is it easier for you to forgive yourself when you mess up, or is it easier to forgive others
for their mistakes? Describe any struggles you have with self-forgiveness and being
able to forgive others:

Think about and describe at least two experiences where you forgave another person:

Experience #1:

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Experience #2:

Why was it important to forgive? What allowed you to forgive this person? (Give as
much detail as possible, focusing on what you had to do in order to forgive and describe
what, if anything, you required the other person to do before you ended up forgiving
him/her.)

Now think of at least two experiences where you either refused to forgive someone or
you had great difficulty forgiving someone:

Experience #1:

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Chapter 2

Experience #2:

In these experiences, what stood in the way of you being able to forgive? Describe this
below:

What (if anything) do you believe needed to happen for you to finally forgive in these
circumstances?

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Are there circumstances where you feel it would be impossible to forgive your spouse/
partner? If so, what would those circumstances be and why do you feel you couldn't
forgive?

Forgiveness Sentence Completion Assessment

Here is a sentence completion test to help deepen your experience and clarify your
thoughts and feelings about forgiveness. Simply complete the sentences below, and be
sure to write what immediately comes to mind without censoring yourself. (Note: You
may want to keep your answers handy, since you’ll encounter this assessment again, at
the end of the workbook.)

1. In my life, forgiveness has always been___________________________

_______________________________________________________

2. To forgive is to___________________________________________

3. The up-side to forgiving someone is_____________________________

_______________________________________________________

4. I can only forgive if the person I'm forgiving _______________________

_______________________________________________________

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Chapter 2

5. For me to forgive my spouse/partner, s/he would need to ______________

_______________________________________________________

6. The down-side to forgiveness is________________________________

_______________________________________________________

7. When someone has forgiven me, I______________________________

_______________________________________________________

8. The most difficult part of forgiving someone is _____________________

_______________________________________________________

9. When I've forgiven my spouse/partner in the past, s/he _______________

_______________________________________________________

10. When my partner/spouse has forgiven me, I ______________________

_______________________________________________________

Take a few minutes to look over your responses to the above. As you examine them,
look for any themes that occur across your answers. Note any responses that surprise
you (thoughts, feelings and reactions about forgiveness you didn't realize you held).

Reflect on your forgiveness mindset as it stands now. Do you feel that you’re a forgiving
person, or would you like to be able to forgive more freely? Do you harbor resentments

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long after the event that triggered them? Do you want to be more aware of what stands
in your way when it comes to forgiving others or yourself? Keep in mind that no matter
how far away you may currently be from your goal, you can always work on raising
your forgiveness awareness through the exercises in this workbook.

Come back to this sentence comple-

tion exercise from time to time to see
how your forgiveness mindset
evolves. The more effort you place There's important information in your answers to these
into working on adopting a pro- questions—don't just gloss over your responses. Learning to
forgiveness mindset (which is good
become more forgiving (and therefore creating a stronger,
for your relationship), the more dra-
matic your self-growth will be. This more vibrant relationship) is a process of self-discovery. You
doesn't mean that this journey will should strive to learn more about your deep-seated attitudes
be easy, but with persistent effort,
and feelings about forgiveness. Ultimately, the method and
positive changes will turn into a real-
ity. the frequency with which you choose to forgive your partner
says more about you than your partner. With this in mind,
comb through your responses and try to incorporate the
information that will help you create a forgiving mindset into your daily life. (If your
responses are sparse, come back to these questions over a period of time to see if you
can add more to your answers).

~~~~~~~~~

It’s no surprise that every relationship—even the very best, the most stable, the
healthiest—involves disagreements and wounded feelings at some point or another.
Sometimes you’ll be on the delivering end (often inadvertently), at other times you’ll be
on the receiving end.

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Chapter 2

Remember, forgiveness lies on a spectrum—from minor to major transgressions.

Insulting your cooking is one thing, but having an affair - which not everyone can
forgive - is entirely another. And using forgiveness in your relationship does not mean
becoming a victim to patterns of abuse/repeated inconsideration. It doesn’t mean
setting yourself up to take the fall for other people’s regular insensitivities. You can be
forgiving and still have a backbone, forgiving but not foolish. But, when the situation is
appropriate and healthy (and not one borne of abuse, where one of you is victimized),
learning to be more forgiving is vital to the health of the relationship.

Forgiveness is a process of letting go of pain and of acknowledging the need to move

on and live in the present (and with hope for the future). When you tenaciously hold on
to hurts and grievances, you wallow in the past. And learning the art of forgiveness
benefits you as much as the sheepish person across from you, wishing s/he could stuff
his foot in his/her mouth, desperately searching for some sign from you that s/he won’t
be sleeping on the lumpy futon in the unheated sunroom.

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Chapter 3: Why forgiveness is so difficult for couples and why it's essential
to your relationship.

In some families, ‘please’ is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it
was ‘sorry.’

~Margaret Laurence

Before we move further in our discussion of forgiveness, let's take a little side trip into
one of the reasons why love and intimate relationships get so tangled and complicated.
A better understanding of our human vulnerabilities can ultimately help you adopt a
forgiveness mindset.

The magic and power of love has been written about throughout the centuries and
across all cultures. As you're probably aware, love can elevate
you to heights never before imagined, making you feel
Marriage is a combination of ongo-
ing love and ongoing forgiveness. intensely alive and fulfilled—many have stated that the
meaning of life is found in being in love. But love's ideals are
confounded by the challenges that accompany relationships.
The day-to-day stresses that couples face today can, at times,
make it feel like the wonders of love are buckling under the daily hassles of life. For
this reason, you need certain skills to make your marriage or relationship work—the
ability to communicate effectively, compromise and work as a team, but all too often
relationship "How-to" books leave out one of the most important skills for creating a

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loving and sustainable union: the ability to forgive.

Let's take a closer look at what shapes us into the fallible beings who will need to rely
on forgiveness if we want our intimate relationships to succeed.

The formation of childhood wounds that impact marriage

The path to adulthood is filled with potholes and missteps that make emotional
wounding inevitable. Part of the dilemma we all face is that there are two conflicting
needs that are part of the human experience: Our need for dependency and our need
for independence. Dependency on a caregiver is a necessity for the welfare of the
vulnerable child, but at some point, this once dependent being will push and fight for
his/her independence as a separate sense of self begins to solidify.

To achieve a healthy, integrated sense of self, both of these seemingly conflicting needs
must be met. So ideally, your parents (or caregivers) encouraged you to be self-
sufficient when appropriate, and when you floundered, they offered you the support
and knowledge needed to grow from challenging experiences. The great psychologist,
John Bowlby, said that parents need to become a "secure base" for their children. So
whenever you became anxious or distressed as a child, you knew that all you had to do
was seek out the love and security that your parents offered. This comfort allowed you
to feel secure and safe and venture off into the larger world (of friends, school).
Children learn to explore and develop new skills in the process and then retreat back to
the safety of the parental nest. As you matured, you became more secure in yourself
and your own abilities (you began to take on the role that your parents/caregivers
played, and started to comfort yourself when you felt stressed or uncertain).

Problems arise when too much dependency is encouraged (when you receive and
internalize repeated messages that the world is a dangerous place and you need to

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remain dependent—and ultimately under the control of your parents). This dynamic
forestalls development and you will not develop the internal resources needed to feel
secure and confident as you venture out into the world. In some regard this is a form of
intrusive parenting—your needs for independence are ignored
as your caregivers hover too closely and intrude upon your
The level of intimacy—the emotional
closeness you and your partner
emerging needs for independence.
feel—can and will change over time.
There are many different factors that
can contribute to changes in inti-
macy and it's important to know that
The other problematic pattern occurs when your caregivers
this is quite common. Many couples ignore your needs for safety and dependency. In this dynamic,
experience periods of emotional
you aren't allowed a secure base to retreat to when you feel the
closeness intermixed with periods of
greater emotional distance.
need. Here you're faced with the reality that you aren't always
going to get what you want and need—that the important
others in your life, the people you had to rely on, have their
It can be beneficial if you and your
own interests, needs and preoccupations that stand in the way
partner monitor the ways in which
you each contribute to any blocks to
of you receiving the attention and care required to feel secure.
intimacy that may exist in your mar- This can be subtle or overt, but the message you receive is that
riage or relationship. Each day sim-
your needs for connection are unimportant or inappropriate.
ply note the ways in which you cre-
ate distance by keeping your partner
at arm’s length. When you repeat- At a more overt, extreme level, you may have received the
edly observe your own patterns,
message that your needs are simply wrong. Children who
you'll be in a better position to iden-
tify the feelings that underline these
internalize this negative, destructive message (that they are
defensive maneuvers. somehow wrong or defective) often grow into adults who have
difficulty with self-acceptance and self-forgiveness (two
important ingredients for emotional intimacy). Difficulties
with self-acceptance and intimacy are more common than you might think. For
instance, rather than allow yourself to be completely seen by your partner, you may
hide behind a defensive curtain (and a curtain of shame), finding ways to keep a certain
amount of emotional distance from those closest to you. Fears may predominate that if

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Chapter 3

your partner sees the "real you," s/he will realize just how broken you really are and
reject/leave you (these fears can be unconscious). Therefore, finding ways to create
distance (e.g. through repetitive arguments) is a way to remain emotionally safe and
protect yourself—you may find that you prefer this kind of self-protection even when
the distance that is meant to offer security leads to an entire set of different problems
(feelings of loneliness, depression, marital strife).

The dichotomous dependence-independence needs exist within all of us. At times these
needs are simultaneously at work, creating a dialectic tension within us. For instance,
you may seek out others for support and connection—one manifestation of the need for
dependency—while feeling conflicted about doing so (e.g., you may feel weak when this
need is active and you may become angry with yourself or your partner as a reaction to
needing him/her).

And at other times, one end of the spectrum may predominate (for instance, if you're
under stress or dealing with something that is making you feel vulnerable, your
dependency needs might intensify and override your need for independence). During
this time you may seek out your spouse/partner as a secure base and the heightened
emotional connection may give you a sense of safety and relief.

As you might imagine, our need for a deep sense of connection (dependency needs) and
our need to feel like a separate, independent, free individual can lead to significant
power struggles in marriage or long-term relationships. Often these dynamics are at
work behind the scenes of the collective consciousness of you and your partner. For
instance, instead of realizing that you feel conflicted about your dependency needs, you
might instead only be conscious of increased feelings of agitation and annoyance with
your partner. Unbeknownst to you (and your partner), these feelings of agitation end
up pushing your partner away and giving you an increased level of breathing room (and
a greater sense of being your own person—a manifestation of your independency needs

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are taking precedence over your dependency needs).

Now if your dependency needs line up perfectly with your partner’s, things may run
pretty smoothly for you two. But often this isn't the case, and things get more
complicated because your dependency-independence needs aren't static. Different life
circumstances may shift you from one end of the spectrum to the other. For example,
when under stress you may push your partner away (you ignore your dependency
needs when you feel stressed because of a long history of the important people in your
childhood being unreliable), yet your partner may do the opposite (when under stress,
s/he has an increased need for connection). As you can imagine, these differences can
lead to major complications and misunderstandings.

The re-awakening of your childhood wounds in your marriage/

relationship

Depending on the type of parents you had, issues relating to your needs for dependency
and independence will play out in particular patterns in your marriage or relationship.

To simplify matters let's categorize your caregivers’ parenting styles into two
categories:

Intrusive: your feelings were minimized by your parents/caregivers--they

continuously acted as though they knew what was best for you and forced their
opinions/views on you;

Neglectful: your feelings and needs were ignored; you had to prematurely become
independent and self-sufficient without having the adequate emotional resources and
support from others.

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There are different ways in which these types of parenting could impact you, but let's
briefly look at two possible outcomes:

1. If you had overly intrusive experiences growing up (which can feel emotionally
overwhelming), you may seek out greater distance in your adult relationships and from
your spouse/partner because you developed a sensitivity to feeling intruded upon. You
might quickly feel smothered and claustrophobic by your partner's intimacy needs.

2. If, on the other hand, you had mostly neglectful experiences (you were largely left to
your own devices without support or guidance), you may now seek out greater
closeness to fill the interpersonal void that you felt growing up. Here, your spouse/
partner's needs for independence can feel threatening to you (i.e. you can quickly feel
abandoned and/or neglected by him/her).

These childhood experiences described above contributed to your emotional tender-

spots; the emotional wounding that occurs along the journey to becoming an adult.
And these are the very tender-spots that will be awakened in your marriage or
relationship. We each have our own unique emotional Achilles’ heel –emotional
tender-spots that can make you vulnerable to feeling overwhelmed, misunderstood,
abandoned, controlled and intruded upon. While your emotional tender-spots were
created in childhood, your emotional Achilles’ heel will be triggered in your adult
relationships, and yes, that includes your spouse/partner.

Unless you plan on hiding the rest of your life, this mutual triggering is inevitable—
authentic intimacy and commitment demands that you bring all of yourself into your
relationship. The safer you feel with your spouse/partner, the more likely your
protective shell will slowly diminish and your emotional Achilles’ heels will be
exposed—while your defenses (e.g., denying your dependency needs) have the
important job of protecting you from further emotional injury, these defenses prevent

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authentic connection with your spouse/partner. This is why issues of safety and trust,
and ultimately, the ability to become vulnerable with your partner, are so important to
intimacy.

As your defensive shield lowers (which happens alongside increased trust and feelings
of emotional safety), you become more vulnerable, showing the parts of yourself to
your partner that no one else sees. This is why people describe feeling "whole" or
"complete" when they find a life-partner who they can openly share themselves with.
Feeling understood by your partner (that sense that s/he really "gets me") is what leads
to an emotional bridge between two separate individuals—
mutual understanding allows you to traverse your location of
At times you and your partner will
being a separate "I" over the bridge to where you and your
show a deep empathy and under-
standing of each other's needs, but partner become a "we."
this deep sense of connection may
end up existing side-by-side with the
As your relationship matures and evolves, mutual acceptance
emergence of painful differences
that exist between the two of you. and efforts to understand the inherent differences that arise
These differences can lead to a between you and your partner become a priority—especially
breakdown of mutual understanding
when it comes to understanding the complicated interplay of
that can make you feel deeply alone
and hurt. This is why forgiveness is each other's needs for connection and separateness. But this
so important. isn't easy and the early wonders of love can be replaced at
some point with the reality that relationships take work and
that you and your partner are inherently different in areas that
really matter. Those inherent differences in your needs for connection (dependency)
and separateness (independence) can lead to significant emotional wounding; this
wounding is especially painful because you lowered your defenses and gave your
partner access to the most vulnerable parts of yourself—the parts of you that can be
seen only when you relax your defenses.

This is one reason why the emotional pain you experience in your marriage or

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Chapter 3

relationship is unlike any other emotional wounding you'll ever experience—the saying
"You hurt the ones you love" speaks to this fact.

And it is this wounding that challenges your ability to forgive!

And it is this inevitable wounding that makes forgiveness a

priority in your relationship! These injuries may be unintentional
and often couples don't realize they
are picking the scab of old emotional
wounds. What hurts most intensely
Remember… is frequently tied to your vulnerabili-
ties/emotional tender-spots created
in your childhood.
…it's common for relationships to go through difficult periods
of time—times when frustration, misunderstandings, hurt
feelings and anger make forgiveness seem like a far-off One sign that you and your partner

possibility. As you might already know, ongoing acceptance are triggering each other’s emotional
Achilles’ heels is when you feel
and understanding of another person isn't always easy. The trapped in negative cycles of unre-
following is a brief summary of what can (and often does) get solved conflict that is building mo-

in the way of creating an emotionally safe, pro-forgiveness mentum and seems to have a life of
its own.
environment:

~Personality differences
~Different coping styles (for instance, you seek isolation when under stress; your
partner seeks more contact and support from you when feeling stressed)
~Conflicting expectations and interests
~Competing values
~Unresolved marital/relationship issues (lingering resentments)
~Each person's emotional baggage from childhood
~Blatant, relationship-destructive behaviors (such as infidelities, verbal/physical
abuse)

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Because of these challenges, you and your partner can find yourselves at odds and re-
injuring one another's emotional tender-spots.

To summarize, this is one of the central reasons why relationships are so

challenging and why forgiveness is absolutely necessary:

Two people with their own emotional baggage reveal the deepest, most vulnerable
parts of themselves to each other. When vulnerable, you are more sensitive and aware
of a response by your partner that isn't in sync with what you need (or what you think
you need). And to make matters even more complicated, your emotional tender-spots
may be preventing you from giving your partner what s/he needs. So you both
emotionally open yourselves up early in the relationship and as the relationship
matures, the likelihood for misunderstandings and conflict increases: many of my
clients end up feeling totally exposed and misunderstood by their spouse/partner (or
worse, attacked and shamed). When this occurs, you may shut down emotionally and
withdraw as a way to protect yourself. The re-establishment of your psychic defenses
(after taking the risk to lower them and let your partner in emotionally) can be
dramatic and absolute. Rather than realizing that you've both been inadvertently
triggering one another's deepest emotional wounds and vulnerabilities, you're more apt
to blame each other for the negativity and hurt that has entered the relationship.

But if you're able to understand why misunderstandings occur, do you think you'd be
more likely to adopt a mindset of forgiveness?

There is an inherent paradox in all this: every marriage/relationship has the potential
to transform and help each person grow beyond their individual limitations; and every

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Chapter 3

marriage/relationship is a potential minefield dotted with old emotional wounds that

will keep you stuck in negative patterns.

Because of the potential hazards that come with intimate relationships, forgiveness
(small and large) is a necessary part of maintaining a healthy
relationship. Re-read the above section to help you (and your
Forgiveness is the balm for the emo-
partner) gain a better understanding of why your relationship
tional wounding that will occur in
can, at times, be so challenging. Knowledge and your relationship.
understanding of why you will both inadvertently hurt one
another will jump-start you down the road toward
forgiveness. When you face these inherent relationship
challenges with understanding, compassion and a forgiving mindset, growth and
healing will become a natural part of your union.

Meet Samantha and Her Emotional Achilles’ heel

Sam was eager to share what happened at work with her husband Eric. As she went
over the highlights of her day, Eric would repeatedly interject his opinions about Sam's
coworkers. On several occasions, Eric interrupted Sam. Sam felt frustrated and hurt,
and she shut down emotionally to the point where she didn't want anything to do with
Eric for the rest of the day. It turned out that for a period of three days, Sam hardly
spoke to Eric, despite his pleas to find out what was bothering her.

Samantha's emotional Achilles’ heel in the making

Sam grew up with an overly controlling father and four rambunctious brothers. As she
recalled, "Everything was a competition. Half the time I couldn't get a word in and

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when I finally did, my father and oldest brother made me feel like I was somehow
wrong. They'd talk right over me…My father told me what I should be thinking and
feeling. I was sent the message that I didn't matter and that I should be the quiet little
girl. The more I fought this, the more I received the message that I was doing
something wrong…"

Sam needed to fight just to be heard in her household, and when she was able to get
her family's attention, Sam wasn't taken seriously. Her father was both intrusive
(telling Sam what her opinions should be) and neglectful (he'd ignore her needs when
she did assert herself). Eric's untimely and intrusive opinions paralleled what
happened to Sam growing up as a child. In this moment, she felt ignored and
controlled by Eric. She felt emotionally smothered, just like
The emotional openness that accom- she used to feel in her family growing up.
panies intimacy makes all couples
vulnerable to triggering each other’s
emotional Achilles’ heel. This often Emotional Achilles’ heel #1: Whenever Sam is interpreted
occurs without conscious awareness.
or she feels that Eric isn't listening to her, Sam ends up feeling
controlled and helpless. As a defense, she then shuts down
emotionally.

Emotional Achilles’ heel #2: Growing up, Sam internalized the message that it was
wrong to have needs. This impacted her relationship with Eric in the following way:
Sam would feel uncomfortable whenever her husband gave her attention and tried to
cater to her emotionally. She would feel needy (too dependent) and selfish when her
needs were attended to. This caused her to reject her husband's support and love
(which caused major problems in their marriage).

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Chapter 3

Are you ready to put this information to use in your own life? Let's move on to an
action-step to get you moving in the right direction.

Self-reflection action step:

The following questions are designed to help you get a better sense of your emotional
Achilles’ heel that developed in your childhood.

As you developed your unique, individual sense of self (interests, needs, preferences,
etc), you learned that not all of your reactions and behaviors were acceptable to others.
Think back to your family-of-origin and answer the following questions:

What were you praised for as a child? What led to the greatest acceptance from your
parents/caregivers (the areas of your life where you felt truly seen and validated)?

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What did you do that seemed to displease your parents/caregivers? Was there a bad fit
between the type of child you were and your parents’ personality? Describe this poor fit
between what you needed and how your parents responded (give particular attention to
intrusive/controlling reactions and neglectful/minimizing reactions):

What impact did these experiences have on you (what positive and negative messages
did you internalize from your caregivers)?

How do these messages impact you today as a spouse or partner? (Be as specific as
possible.)

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Chapter 3

Examine the above responses and think about how these experiences created your
unique emotional Achilles’ heel. In the space below, list up to three emotional tender-
spots based on your above responses, vulnerable spots that followed you into your
marriage/relationship:

(e.g., Emotional Achilles’ heel #1: Because I was always criticized by my mother, I have
a difficult time accepting feedback from my spouse. Any feedback, even healthy
criticism, feels like an intrusive attack).

Emotional Achilles’ heel #1:

Emotional Achilles’ heel #2:

Emotional Achilles’ heel #3:

The goal of the emotional Achilles’ heel exercise is to increase your awareness of your
particular areas of vulnerability—the emotional tender spots that are likely to be

Page 41

triggered in your marriage or relationship. After you and your spouse/partner complete
this exercise, share your answers so that you can each become more mindful of how
you trigger the other. This will ultimately add to greater perspective and an atmosphere
of collaborative forgiveness.

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Chapter 4

Chapter 4: When forgiveness is lacking

Never ruin an apology with an excuse.

~Kimberly Johnson

I'd now like you to think of what’s on the opposite end of the forgiveness spectrum:
Holding a grudge. And how will holding a grudge make you feel? If you’re like most
people, the feeling of righteousness that initiates a grudge wears off and you’re left
feeling stuck, angry, bitter and resentful. And holding a grudge with someone you live
with will obviously only negatively impact your relationship. So learn to let things go,
maybe even at times when your partner hasn’t “earned” your forgiveness yet (gasp!).

Forgiveness is for you, to free yourself from the burden of hurt, resentment and
emotional bruising that is inevitable when you let down your psychological defenses
and remain open and vulnerable to another.

I've worked with many distressed couples, and part of the problem for a significant
portion of them was an inability or unwillingness to forgive, to let go of past grievances
that they remained stuck to. Here's the point to remember: many of these couples were
trying to cope with the struggles that all couples face (I'm not talking about the
devastating impact of infidelity here)—the common challenges and missteps and let-
downs added up over the years until anger and hopelessness stood in the way of
forgiveness.

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Connection (a re-establishment of emotional intimacy and feelings of closeness) often

follows forgiveness!

Grudges and lingering resentments sever the connection and you end up feeling
isolated and alone within the walls of your relationship. Think about this for a moment:
you can be in a relationship yet still be alone. This is often confusing and very
distressing for couples. And many try to "fix" their marital problems and relationship
issues without first looking at the need to forgive each other. When forgiveness isn't
addressed while a problem area is being addressed, the couple's efforts to
"communicate better" and reconnect often grinds to a halt (because the underlying
grievances and hurt continue to pull at them)—when this occurs they end up feeling
more hopeless and may ultimately move closer to deciding to end the marriage or
relationship.

A forgiveness mindset clears away the emotional baggage and challenges that can pull a
relationship apart. It's as if the runway of your heart needs to be cleared of emotional
debris before effective communication and intimacy can take off and land.

Let’s look in on two couples to check out forgiveness in action (or the
danger of withholding forgiveness):

Jack and Diane, married for four years

Diane knows Jack hates surprises and surprise parties. He’s shy and introverted and is
uncomfortable around crowds. He also hates being the center of attention. Diane is
outgoing and gregarious and is happiest surrounded by lots of friends and coworkers
(opposites definitely attracted in this case). So it’s no surprise that when Diane asked
Jack if she could throw him a big party when he hit the big four-o, Jack begged her not

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Chapter 4

to. Still, she thought she could throw a party that would make even Jack a social mogul
for one night, so she planned a huge shin-dig with all his friends and co-workers, all
her friends and co-workers, both extended families and some people he hadn’t seen in
years.

Once Jack was sure the shock he received at coming home to what he thought was a
quiet evening with Deal or No Deal and his favorite ice cream but instead was thirty
people who jumped out from the dark room and screamed Happy Birthday! wasn’t
actually a heart attack, Jack was upset. To say the least.

“How could you do this?” he asked after the last guest had finally gone. He tried not to
watch the smile slip off Diane’s face and shatter into a million pieces. “You did this for
yourself,” he muttered, sopping up a beer spill on the carpet.

“I worked so hard on this party!” she squeaked. “How can you say I did this for myself?
You know how many guys would absolutely love that their wives can put on a party like
this?”

But later, curled up on the couch because she vowed she wouldn’t sleep with Jack when
he was so unjustifiably grumpy, Diane thought about it and realized she had had a
wonderful time that night and that each time she’d run into Jack he seemed slumped in
his drink and shooting her sidelong glances. But she pushed those uncomfortable
thoughts aside. After all, it’s the thought that counts, and she had really believed that
he’d have no choice but to have a good time, that a party like this would shake him out
of that ridiculous shyness and make him enjoy being in crowds.

They went to bed angry (despite their rule never to carry over a fight to the next
morning) and eventually went to bed separately.

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The next morning they were in the kitchen at the same time, trying to ignore each other
around the toaster and the coffee maker. Jack thought about telling Diane that he knew
she wanted to give him a good time, but that’s not his idea of a good time, when his
gaze got snagged on the dog licking the beer stain on the carpet.

They each went off to work without speaking.

Diane vented to her co-workers and told them how ungrateful Jack had been. They of
course fueled her indignation.

Jack couldn’t really talk to his co-workers since he hadn’t set up a precedent for
confiding in them, and also because they had all been at the party and he didn’t want
them to think he hadn’t wanted them in his home, although he really hadn’t.

And before you know it Jack and Diane weren’t speaking for one week, two weeks,
finding reasons to stay away from the house more and more and using the elements of
this argument to turn over every stone of their relationship until they didn’t even
remember what the original argument was about.

Self-reflection Questions:

Put yourself in Jack's shoes and reflect on the following questions:

What would you need to happen in order to forgive Diane?

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Chapter 4

Is there a downside to forgiving Diane? What would you be giving up if you forgave
her?

What would you (and the relationship) gain if you forgave her?

As you can see from the story of Jack and Diane, it is often our personality differences
that lead us into misunderstandings, hurt feelings and arguments. These are some of
the essential challenges all couples face: how do you live with each other’s inherent
differences; and, how do you forgive (and maintain a forgiveness mindset) when these
differences lead to behaviors that feel inconsiderate or even spiteful.

The above example isn’t a clear-cut case of Jack being correct and Diane the villain.
Diane’s intention was good: She really thought a social gathering would be good for
Jack (who is inherently introverted and somewhat isolated). Couples often lose sight of
each other’s intentions and quickly jump to the outcome that may not be favorable (in
this example, an unwelcome party).

Think back to the most recent incident where it felt like your partner acted in an
inconsiderate or hurtful way (where the result of your partner’s actions was your

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unhappiness). Describe this incident below:

As you reflect on this event, consider what your partner’s intention was. Is there any
chance that s/he was actually trying to do something that you might appreciate? What
do you imagine his/her intention was?

Is it possible that the real issue in your above example had to due with an inability to
accept your partner’s inherent personality style (a style you may not understand mainly
because it differs from your own style)?

When your partner does something that you experience as hurtful and inconsiderate,
do you ever stop to think what their intention was?

In order to nurture a forgiveness mindset, it can be helpful to begin reflecting on what

your partner’s intention is, rather than automatically respond based on your hurt
feelings. And of course, your partner should do the same. This will give you greater
perspective and will allow you to appreciate the often complex and nuanced nature of
interpersonal relationships.

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Chapter 4

Lucy and Ricky, married eleven years

“You threw me under the bus,” Lucy tells Ricky when they’re in bed that night. “Don’t
you have any loyalty to me? I’m your wife.”

“Of course you are, honey. And of course I do,” he reached for her hand under the
covers, but she pulled away. “But look at my side,” he pleaded. “She’s my mother.”
Lucy had been dreading her mother-in-law’s annual visit for months, since she always
ended up feeling demeaned, belittled, and inadequate by the time her mother-in-law
boarded the plane back to Florida. So this time she told Ricky exactly how she was
feeling, and, much to her surprise, Ricky agreed to see a marriage counselor to work
through this sensitive issue.

“I love my mother,” he told the therapist. “And I’m always glad to see her. But I love
Lucy, too, and I want to make sure there’s harmony in my own home when my mother
leaves.”

“She criticizes every little thing I do,” Lucy explained to the counselor. “Especially
when it comes to the kids. She’s always tut-tutting or shaking her head in disgust and
disappointment. And when I muster up the courage to call her on it, she says, ‘I’m just
concerned about my precious grandchildren, that’s all, dear. You go right on giving
them that “wholesome” snack.’ And she ends with a sneer and a cough.”

The counselor helped Ricky and Lucy develop a plan through which Ricky would kindly
and gently confront his mother when necessary, explaining that he agreed with Lucy’s
child-rearing practices and that this was her home as much as his. And that plan gave
Lucy hope that this visit would be different, that she could finally establish herself as a
peer deserving respect in her mother-in-law’s eyes instead of a careless child who could
do nothing right.

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Until last night’s dinner.

“You know,” the mother-in-law said, patting her lips with the cloth napkin before
smoothing it onto her lap, “the children have so much potential. It’s such a waste that
they attend ‘public school.’” It seemed the phrase left an unpleasant taste in her mouth.

The kids stopped kicking themselves under the table and watched their grandmother.
“Mom,” Lucy said, never feeling more hypocritical about using the word, “their school
is excellent and they’re doing wonderfully there. There’s no reason to be concerned.”
She tried to give Ricky the chin-nudge that meant Now’s the time to jump in. We
practiced this, but he avoided his wife’s gaze.

“Oh yes, of course,” Attila-the-in-law said, her tone dripping condescension, “I’m sure
that’s the case. But private school would be so much more appropriate. And if you
can’t swing it, I certainly can chip in.”

Much to Lucy’s shock and dismay, Ricky had his pensive face on and was rubbing his
chin in thought. Not the nervous kind of thought that would precede a face-off with his
mother, but one that meant he was considering what she just said.

The kids had resumed jabbing each other with forks once they heard the discussion was
only about school. Ricky assessed them and said to his mother, “Which school did you
have in mind?”

Lucy knifed her steak so hard she chipped the plate.

So in bed that night, they worked on setting things right.

“Luce, I can’t promise that I can stand up to my mother, and I shouldn’t have made

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Chapter 4

that promise in the counselor’s office. I want you both to be happy and I don’t know
how to do that. I do feel loyal to you. But I actually had been wondering about private
school for the kids, so it felt okay to talk about it with my mom.”

Lucy counted to ten while she monitored her breath. She was about to say that Ricky’s
mother never did one redeeming thing, but then she realized that the man she loves,
the man beside her at this very moment, was borne and raised by that same woman.
And she wondered how she would handle it if Ricky couldn’t stand her mother. So she
held in her sputter of amazement and infuriation and instead listened to what Ricky
just said.

“Rick, I didn’t know you were thinking about private school. Why didn’t you ever tell
me that? Are you up for talking about it now?”

And she reached for his hand and squeezed it.

Self-reflection Questions:

For a moment imagine that you are Lucy and answer the following:

In this scenario should Lucy forgive Ricky? Do you feel he deserves forgiveness?
Explain your position:

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Who do you identify with in this story and why?

What do Ricky and Lucy need to do to create a collaborative atmosphere of

forgiveness?

The conflict around dealing with extended family is a very sensitive issue for many
couples. In the example of Ricky and Lucy, it might have been easy for you to identify
with Ricky’s struggles of feeling caught between trying to please two people he loves
very much. Equally valid is Lucy’s desire to have Ricky set up appropriate boundaries
with his mother and to prioritize Lucy’s feelings. Approaching such sensitive issues
with a forgiveness mindset will allow you to understand your partner’s position (which
will help keep your anger and frustration in check) while allowing you to effectively
communicate what you are needing. If Lucy or Ricky were unable to remain open to the
other’s perspective, this issue could have spiraled out of control and created serious
damage to their marriage. But instead, Lucy was able to stand her ground and discuss
what wasn’t working for her in a way that allowed Ricky to remain open to what she
was needing. Sure, he needed repeated prodding, but over time Ricky was moving
closer and closer to giving his wife the support she deserved. Such compromise can
only occur when an atmosphere of collaborative forgiveness is at work.

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Chapter 5

Chapter 5: The roots of self-forgiveness

To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.

~Lewis B. Smedes

Forgiving your spouse/partner can only arise from your ability to forgive yourself. For
a child, there is no difference between self-forgiveness and other-forgiveness. When
you are taught at a young age to say "I'm sorry" or you witness gestures of forgiveness
between your parents, you are learning a mindset about how people treat one another.
Children mimic the behavior of others and these "outside" relationships become the
foundation for the child's relationship with him/herself (your "inside" relationship—
how you treat and feel about yourself).

For instance, let's imagine that a five-year-old child witnesses his father being verbally
abusive to his mother. The child sees a relationship where derogatory terms and hostile
feelings shape the interactions of his parents. In this case, the child learns that
hostility is an acceptable way to deal with certain problems. But the child also learns
something important about how to deal with his own feelings and experiences. Let's
say that in our example the husband was demeaning his wife because she was upset
about an unresolved issue with her brother, so she was tearful and sad. These feelings
evoked the ire of her abusive husband. In this case the child may learn to feel angry and
hostile toward himself (and others) whenever he experiences similar feelings that his

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mother was berated for. Self-directed hostility, rather than kindness and acceptance,
becomes part of the child's way of dealing with his/her emotional world (aspects of
parental relationships become internalized, so you begin to treat yourself the way your
parents treated one another); and these early relationships also influence how you
react to others, including your spouse/partner.

In the above example, the child's lack of acceptance (as

For an in-depth look at how we re-
peat relationship patterns from our
modeled by his/her father's lack of acceptance of his wife)
childhood in our adult relationships, becomes the basis for an inability to forgive oneself as well as
see the Healthy Relationship Pro-
others.
gram module Take Control of Your
Relationship: Don't Let Your Past
Dictate Your Future. Observing how others treat one another is a powerful learning
tool that shapes the behavior of children. And of course, how
important others directly treat and interact with a child will
affect his/her ability to forgive. When you are treated with kindness, respect and
fairness, a forgiving mindset is more likely to be fostered—this is especially the case
when you were disciplined with kindness, respect and fairness as a child. In these
instances, children learn that kindness and respect can still be part of the relationship
even when people are upset with each other and mistakes are made. After all, isn't
forgiveness most relevant at the times when our (and others) foibles are most
apparent?

The roots of self-condemnation (the antithesis of self-forgiveness)

Based on a parent's message of disapproval, it's not uncommon for a child to begin to
have negative reactions to the parts of him/herself that are unwelcome by the rejecting
parent. For instance, let's imagine that you were an energetic, high-spirited child.
Curious and eager to engage your parents, you were a constant questioning presence in

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Chapter 5

their life: "Mommy, how do birds fly?"; "Daddy, why can't I drink that?"; "Why is it
raining?"; "Where do babies come from?"; "Why is Mommy crying?" and so on.

And let's also imagine that your parents’ marriage became strained after your father
lost his job and stress over money became a frequent presence in your family. So rather
than meet your characteristic exuberance with acceptance and encouragement, you
began to notice reactions of indifference and annoyance—both subtle and overt. Under
such conditions, your options might be to rebel and protest when faced with these
negative parental responses (which some kids do), or you might start to become self-
conscious and "catch" these unwanted reactions before others
notice them. You begin to inhibit and control the behaviors Families are often guided by rules—
rules that are established by the
that are upsetting your parents (in this case, you would start
most powerful family members.
to inhibit your curiosity and quest for knowledge). Whether these rules are clear and
articulated (you receive the message:
"No talking back!") or vague and
This increased self-awareness sets the stage for a self-editing
unspoken (your father cringes and
process: You begin to react negatively toward and block the withdraws each time you cry), these
parts of yourself that you perceive as unwanted, since one of rules exert a powerful force over the
kind of relationship you develop
your motivations (whether unconscious or conscious) is to
with yourself and with others.
avoid disturbances in your relationships with important
others. Once you've identified the behaviors, reactions and
feelings that jeopardize the harmony of your family, you start
closing the doors to these parts of yourself—in the example above, you would edit your
eagerness and curiosity until this part of you became smaller and less prominent. Over
time, you would become more subdued as you begin to consciously and unconsciously
change into the child that maintains the status-quo of your family.

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These self-editing dynamics can be the basis of low self-worth and poor self-esteem.
Isn't it likely that you would start having negative reactions to the same parts of
yourself that were rejected and shamed by the important people in your life? Imagine
that you were the child in the above example, the child who witnessed the father's rage
when others appeared upset or "weak." You can see how you might adopt a mindset
similar to your father’s and then later in life become angry with yourself whenever you
become hurt or tearful or even when you need to seek out support from others. You
would begin to feel about yourself the way your father felt about you as a child (as
evidenced by how he treated you when you behaved in a vulnerable way). These
reactions can also transfer over to your relationship, so, in keeping with the above
example, you might also become angry with your spouse/partner when s/he shows
emotional vulnerability. Our self-directed reactions often parallel the ways in which
important others reacted to us as children. Consistent, loving actions bring self-
acceptance and self-love; rejection, hostility, withdrawal and neglect (as well as abuse)
bring self-condemnation. Self-directed anger and/or feeling unworthy of love make
self-forgiveness a real challenge.

Part of the socialization process (which occurs in the larger context of your particular
culture) also leads to considerable self-editing. As children grow and begin to interact
with the world outside of their family life (e.g., school, friends, other families,
organized sports), they learn they must follow certain rules in order to avoid negative
consequences—such as reprimand and/or the shame of being ostracized. Part of
becoming more "social" and "appropriate" means that as a child you had to learn to
control your behavior and suppress certain impulses/feelings—a process referred to in
this module as self-editing. For example, if you were ridiculed at school for being a
highly-sensitive child (maybe you cried easily), you might have shut down emotionally
in order not to feel vulnerable in front of others. You might have also become angry
with yourself whenever you started to become upset and tearful. Over time you would

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Chapter 5

develop an antagonistic relationship with the sensitive side of your personality—feeling

self-directed anger whenever you felt vulnerable. This self-directed anger deepens the
self-editing process as you further distance yourself from feelings you now consider
weak, shameful and unacceptable.

But the feelings that you've tried to suppress (and edit) remain a part of who you are—
they will continue to arise under certain conditions (at least partially). While you may
try to ignore their presence, they will continue to provoke you as long as you maintain
this antagonistic self-relationship. And when your spouse/partner reacts in ways that
resemble/remind you of the parts of yourself that have been edited and suppressed,
you're likely to have a strong, negative reaction to him/her in these moments. This is
why self-acceptance and self-forgiveness are the stepping stones to being able to fully
forgive others.

Self-Reflection Action Step:

The goal of this action step is to help you become more attuned to any inner struggles
with self-forgiveness that may exist.

Who were your self-forgiveness mentors while growing up (people who modeled
kindness toward themselves and others)? What did you learn from these people about
self-acceptance and self-forgiveness?

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Now describe any childhood experiences that negatively impacted your ability to
forgive yourself:

How is this currently impacting your life? How is this impacting your relationship?

It’s often helpful to imagine our difficult emotions as something external from us,
something concrete and tangible. With this in mind, imagine that your resistance to
forgive yourself isn’t just an abstract internal feeling, but is actually another person.
Mentally create a picture of a person who would represent the thoughts and feelings
that are a reflection of your lack of self-forgiveness. Describe the traits and
characteristics of this person (internal and external):

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Chapter 5

What would this person say to you?

What will you say to this person?

(Give this question and this idea some real thought; don’t rush this.)

What feelings did the previous question bring up in you? Why do you think those
feelings came to the surface?

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Imagine for a moment that you are a successful attorney and you have just been hired
(and handsomely paid) to defend yourself against the person who represents your
unforgiving self. Speaking as this lawyer, what arguments will you make that challenge
this person's position? Describe this argument in as much detail as possible below:

What feelings did the above question bring up in you? Why do you think those feelings
came to the surface?

Let's look at how the self-editing process played out for Eric.

Eric's edited self

As a child, it became quite apparent to Eric that his father didn't understand or accept
Eric's artistic interests and pursuits. As Eric described, "Everything about my father

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Chapter 5

was tough. He was a cop and he was always talking about how you have to be strong to
survive 'out there in the real world.' He was always trying to get me to arm wrestle my
brother…I just wasn't that type of kid. I was either reading or drawing. I had a natural
artistic talent and he didn't know what to do with it. I would get really excited about my
art projects at school and he could never get excited for me. I learned to taper my
excitement about a lot of things because of him."

Like many children, Eric desperately wanted his father's approval. But there was a
significant mismatch between the type of person Eric's father was and the type of child
Eric was and the type of person he is today. Because Eric didn't get excited about the
same things as his father, Eric had to either find people who shared and supported his
interests, or he had to shut down this part of himself in order to stay connected with his
father. Luckily for Eric, his mother was his biggest fan. "She really celebrated my
interests. If I didn't have her, I don't know what I would have done."

You can imagine how things might have turned out differently for Eric if he was only
raised by his father, or if his mother showed a similar lack of interest in Eric’s pursuits
and abilities.

Eric recognizes the vital importance that his mother's acceptance had on his life (her
encouragement and acceptance fostered Eric's own self-acceptance, and that countered
his father's unwillingness to accept his son). He continued, "She saw me for who I
really was. This quirky, artsy kid who didn't like any of the traditional male things. I
would have been a shell of my true self if it wasn't for her." Let's take this a step further:
Without his mother's positive influence, Eric might have turned his father's apathy into
self-directed apathy. This would have set the stage for Eric to abandon the pursuits and
interests that made him feel most alive. To cope with the pain of this type of loss, Eric
would have had to disconnect and ignore the parts of himself that weren't accepted and
celebrated by others. A lack of acceptance from others would lead to a lack of self-

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acceptance. And self-acceptance is an essential ingredient for self-forgiveness as well

as the ability to forgive others.

Exercise: Moving Toward Radical Self-Forgiveness

It can be a real challenge to connect
with your spouse/partner in a deep The following exercise is designed to move you closer to self-
and meaningful way when you were
acceptance and self-forgiveness. Since the seeds of self-
forced to self-edit the most vital
parts of your childhood self. By its forgiveness and self-condemnation are planted in your
very nature, self-estrangement pre- childhood, it's important to connect with your "inner child" in
vents the openness and authenticity
order to fully access and address these issues. Even if you
that intimacy requires.
believe you're very accepting of yourself, you can still benefit
from this exercise.

To get the most out of this exercise, find photos of yourself as a child (while this isn't
totally necessary, many of the people report that childhood photos add a powerful
component to the exercise). As a substitute to photos, you can visualize yourself as a
child.

Find a quiet space and place your childhood pictures around you and just look at them
for a few moments. At this point simply notice any feelings and/or bodily reactions that
occur. Try to observe these experiences as they arise without attachment or judgment
(experience your reactions and then let them go, then let the next experience arise and
then imagine it evaporating into the universe, and so on). Don't try to fight or change
your reactions, again simply observe them as if you are watching from a safe distance.
If any feelings occur that feel intense, give this experience the attention it needs before
moving on to the next step of this exercise.

In this next step you will reconnect with your inner child in a deeper way. To do this,

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Chapter 5

you can further engage this child by starting a dialogue with him/her:

Repeat the following while looking at your childhood photos (you can also write your
responses, but make sure the writing doesn't pull you out of the experience):

"I remember you, you used to like__________________________."

"Your favorite foods were________________________________."

"Your best friend was___________________ and you used to like to play

_______________________________ with him/her. "

"Your favorite TV show was _______________________________."

"You used to dream of becoming a ______________________ when you grew up."

"Your enjoyed ______________________ in school and your favorite teacher was

_________________."

"In school you disliked___________________________________."

"You really didn't like ____________________________________."

"Your greatest joys came from_______________________________."

"Your biggest fears and struggles were_______________________

_____________________________________."

"You used to dream about __________________________________."

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(Feel free to add your own personal conversation-starters that are meaningful for you
and your inner child).

Please take your time with the above statements and try to feel the presence of that
child next to you. Observe any resistance to deepening your relationship with this child.
If you experience any resistance or emotional blocks (i.e., anger, cynicism) while trying
to connect with your inner child, take one of the pictures that you feel particularly
drawn to and look closer at it. As you look at this child, tell him/her about your current
struggle (literally say it out loud).

After you've shared your struggle, now ask this child for help (that's right, you're asking
the younger you for help. Don't underestimate or neglect the wisdom and information
this part of you holds!). Try to find your own words in asking for help ("I'm having
difficulty reaching you and I'm not sure why, please help me find you."). Record his/
her answer in the space below (and record whatever reaction comes to you):

Reread your inner child's above response/wisdom and allow it to slowly permeate you.
Allow the message to sink deeper into your heart.

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Chapter 5

After several minutes (while still looking at the picture), ask this child:

What do you need from me?

Quietly repeat this question to yourself as you observe the younger you. Allow these
questions to find a home within you, reaching that inner child. As you do this, simply
"listen" and notice. The answers may take a while and they may arise in different ways
(you may hear a response, feel it, sense and intuit it). Listen with all your senses,
keeping all the channels to this child open (you will need to trust your inherent wisdom
while engaging in this exercise).

Journal what emerges below:

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In this final step, take one of your childhood photos and look closely at it. After a
minute or so, ask this child for forgiveness. You can do this by saying something like:

I am sorry that I _________________________________________.

I am so sorry that I didn't ___________________________________.

I know I hurt you when I ____________________________________.

Please do not rush your responses. Here are a few examples of what others have
written in response to the above sentence completion exercises:

Example 1:

I am sorry that I abandoned you. I realize I turned my back on you and myself. I just
stopped caring and now I realize how self-destructive that was. I want you to know I
didn't mean to hurt you and I will do my very best to look after you from this day
forward. I love you.

Example 2:

I am so sorry that I didn’t give you the attention you needed and that I didn’t take the
time to understand you when you were upset. I realize now that you were the most
important person in my life and you needed my guidance, love and ongoing patience.
You are now my priority, and each day I promise to check in with you.

Example 3:

I know I hurt you by being so angry over the years and I apologize for this. I hope you

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Chapter 5

can forgive me. I know now that I hated myself whenever I felt vulnerable and that's
what you represented, my vulnerability, and my inability to protect myself. While I still
struggle with this, I want to have a relationship with you and listen to what you need
from me.
"Inner child" work is a powerful tool

Don't make this exercise a one-time event. Come back to this to reconnect with the aspects of
yourself that have been lost or ne-
exercise periodically to help deepen your relationship with
glected over the years. Some people
yourself (and to deepen self-acceptance and self-forgiveness). react negatively to the phrase "inner

This is an ongoing journey, not a one time pit-stop. child," especially men. If you are
having a negative reaction to this
term, pick a term that works better
for you. And remember, "inner
child" is simply a metaphor for the
vulnerable parts of ourselves—a
metaphor that gives us greater ac-
cess to the internal places and ex-
periences we've turned our backs on.

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Chapter 6: Forgiveness and Your Relationship

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.

~Mahatma Gandhi

As you know by now, forgiveness and relationships go hand in hand. We all learn about
how to forgive based on our important relationships throughout our lives, especially
our childhoods. Because you are human, from time to time you will make mistakes and
your foibles are going to hurt and anger the people closest to you. And likewise, others
in your life will hurt you. This makes forgiveness a central component to your marriage
or relationship. Couples who deny this reality (or simply do not realize this fact) are
more likely to face relationship challenges with mounting resentments and other
unresolved emotional issues that prevent forgiveness and block intimacy.

If you enter into a relationship with the mindset that things will quietly hum along on
auto-pilot, you are setting yourself up for disappointment and a jarring wake-up call.
Relationships follow the pattern of messing up and forgiveness...often (daily or nearly
daily). Cycles of connection-disconnection-connection are the norm. Why are these
disconnections so commonplace?

As we already discussed, you two are likely to trigger each other’s core issues—you
open up your heart to someone and in the process you let down your defenses. This is
what happened when you and your partner fell in love. To emotionally connect in such

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Chapter 6

a deep and rewarding way, you both had to let the other person in emotionally. And
once you share the deepest parts of yourself with another (your hopes, dreams and
fears), that person now has the power to (inadvertently) hurt you in ways no one else
can. This is why even stable relationships become unglued at times. Understanding the
inevitability of your relationship mishaps will allow you and your partner to approach
them with forgiveness and understanding rather than in the defensive way that so
many couples react. And the thing you may not realize is that the ongoing process of
forgiveness has numerous benefits: A forgiveness mindset reduces anger and conflict, it
prevents the accumulation of resentments, and it can ultimately lead to deeper
intimacy.

When forgiveness is on the table, both of you are more vulnerable: the one apologizing
and the one who is considering that apology. When forgiveness closes the gap, you both
see that the vulnerability didn’t make you weaker, but instead showed you that you’re
in a relationship where emotional safety and support are the rule. This pattern will
bring you closer as a couple.

Essential Forgiveness Skills: How to make forgiveness work in your

relationship:

"True forgiveness is not an action after the fact, it is an attitude with which you enter
each moment."

~David Ridge

As you probably deduced from reading this far, forgiveness is a skill that can be
practiced and cultivated. In other words, you can take control of your forgiveness

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mindset. To help get a better handle on incorporating forgiveness into your

relationship, let's look at some forgiveness essentials you can practice.

~Let yourself cool off. When the embers of your emotions are still red-hot, forgiveness
is probably not going to be a consideration. This is to be expected. When tempers flare,
the goal should be damage control—trying not to say things you'll later regret. Think
back to the Department of Motor Vehicles manual: it tells you not to drive when you’re
too emotional. Likewise, you shouldn’t steer your relationship when emotions run high.
You might blurt something that will be hard to take back, which will in turn make
everything worse.

During conflicts your body readies for crisis: it moves into the fight, flight or freeze
stress response (e.g., increased heart rate and respiration, muscle tension). It's very
difficult to hold onto a forgiveness mindset during these intense moments when your
body is reacting as if it's facing a life-or-death situation (your primitive brain often
perceives only "danger" or "no danger" and will release the same hormones whether
you are in a heated argument with your partner or rock climbing).
Only when things cool off and when you’re outside of the conflict-zone will your
thinking clarify and your physical reactions return to normal. At that point, reexamine
the issues that caused the conflict. Then ask yourself the following:

Self-reflection Questions:
What did I do to co-create or maintain this conflict?

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Chapter 6

During the conflict, did I react in a way that is consistent with the kind of wife/
husband/partner I want to be?

What could I have done differently?

How can I think about what happened through a lens of forgiveness?

~The role of empathy: Put yourself in your partner’s shoes. This doesn’t mean blindly
accepting everything s/he says, but just being willing to admit that s/he may have a
point or might be affected by something you’re not. You can be empathic while not
necessarily agreeing with your partner. Practicing empathy will go a long way in
creating a collaborative atmosphere of forgiveness.

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To become more empathic, it is necessary to hit the pause button on your own feelings/
reactions and to try and step into your partner's shoes. When doing this, ask yourself
the following questions:

What must it be like to be him/her in this moment?

Considering what s/he is feeling, does his/her reaction make sense?

From his/her perspective, wouldn't I be having the same kind of reaction?

Instead of asking yourself, “Why did my partner do that?,” practice putting yourself in
your partner’s shoes and trying to see what may have led up to the behavior you found
objectionable. You still need to discuss it with him/her if it’s something that bothered
you, but taking a stance of empathy will help you be more open to all the factors that
your partner may have been dealing with.

Think of a recent event in which your partner did something you found objectionable
or that simply annoyed you. As you recall this experience, answer the following:

Put yourself in your partner’s shoes during that event you’re calling to mind. How
would you feel if you were in his/her shoes?

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Chapter 6

Is it possible that his/her mistake is something you might do if you had been in that
position?

How do you want your partner to react when you’re the one who drops the relationship
ball?

Empathy in action: Meet empathic Ron

Listen in as Ron describes the role of empathy in his marriage:

"Dena and I react very differently to things and we've learned to appreciate that we
have different styles. Where we get into trouble is when one of us starts believing that
the other person shouldn't be reacting a certain way. I've definitely been guilty of this.
Dena seems to get anxious when things don't go well with her boss. I used to try to talk
her out of her anxiety and she'd become frustrated with me—she said I wasn't taking
her seriously. So what I've been doing is I try to think about something that makes me
anxious to help me know what she's going through. I'm not always successful at doing
this, but it's helped a lot when I'm able to. I end up thinking, 'Oh, this is how she's
feeling. Wow, that really sucks. No wonder she's stressed out. ' This gives me a way to
see first hand what she's going through and I think I'm a better husband when I'm able

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to do this."

So Ron thinks of circumstances that make him feel anxious in order to move into a
similar emotional experience as his wife. This allows him to share his wife's feelings
(albeit, his version of these feelings) and perspective. The outcome of all this? Ron's
ability to understand his wife skyrockets.

Now back to our list of essential forgiveness skills:

~Practice it on an ongoing basis. Forgiveness isn’t just an isolated, lightning-bolt, knee

jerk, limited-time-only event. To be effective, it must be a mindset that you and your
partner cultivate and put into use regularly.

~Think of the good in your relationship. Gratitude, my friends, gratitude. If, during the
times of stress, you can be grateful for what’s already working in your relationship,
you’ll be more likely to preserve your union by forgiving your partner for a wrongdoing.

Research shows that keeping a "gratitude list" (writing down several things that you're
grateful for each day) can have a powerful impact on your mood. Doing so helps to
train your mind to highlight the small things in life that can really make a positive
difference. I often have couples in my workshops keep an ongoing journal of all the
ways in which they feel grateful for their spouse/partner. Are you willing to give this a
try?

~Tolerate and accept differences between you. Many couples run into trouble when
they try to extinguish inherent differences between them. They think, No difference, no
fights. But that’s actually a very dangerous way to think indeed. Differences between
people make the world a rich, exciting place, and trying to erase those differences for
the sake of imagined harmony is not only impossible, but will only damage your union.

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Chapter 6

Celebrate the differences between you and learn how they can enrich your life.

Think about what initially attracted you to your spouse/partner—what personality

traits did you find appealing? Note how some of these traits (that first made your
partner such a catch) are now the ones you might have difficulty accepting. What does
this say about you rather than your partner?

~Think of how you want to be treated, and then treat your partner that way. When
you flub, you’d like your partner to hold out the olive branch, wouldn’t you? Don’t you
expect your mate to realize that you didn’t intend to do him/her harm, but that you
blundered, as humans must? So remember that when you’re on the other side of the
table.

The goal of this e-book is to make you more aware about the need for forgiveness in
everyday life, particularly your relationship.

Be specific and ask yourself:

Self-reflective Questions:

Think about a troubling issue that exists in our world today, one that has captured your
attention. Describe how things would have been different if forgiveness were exercised,
rather than practicing retaliation and holding onto grievances:

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Now think about a troubling issue that may have existed in your marriage or
relationship at some point in time. Describe how things would have been different if
forgiveness were exercised:

~Learn to take Perspective: Taking perspective is an important skill in the art of

forgiveness. Perspective gives you emotional footing in an ever-changing world that
can feel quite overwhelming at times. Let's look at how you can add this valuable
resource to your relationship toolbox.

Scaling as a way to take perspective

In order to take perspective, you need to think about the transgression and where it
falls on the spectrum of misdeeds. Learn to distinguish the minor from the major, the
things you can live with and the things you can’t. (As any parent of a teenager has
heard, “Pick your battles.”) You can even rate the flub on a scale from 1 (really minor)
to 10 (really major) to help you gain perspective—but don't rate the event when you're
dealing with the initial reaction that may involve an onslaught of intense feelings. Only
after you've cooled down will you be able to bring some level of objectivity to the rating.

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Chapter 6

Self-reflection Question:

In the big picture of our relationship, how important is the issue my partner and I are
trying to deal with? How much will this still matter to me three weeks from now? Six
months? A year from now? (Write about a situation that is currently bothering you and
when you're finished, picture your future-self and from this place write about the
issue):

~Give yourself periodic reality checks. In other words, try to be realistic. It’s easy to
feel perfect when someone has just wronged you. But don’t get caught up in the, I
would never do something so stupid mindset. Yes, hindsight is 20/20, but the fact is
when we often don’t have the luxury of time/hindsight, we are prone to decisions we
might regret later. Come down off the perfectionist’s soapbox and acknowledge the
inherently flawed nature of humankind.

If you find that you're continuously unable to emotionally let go of an issue, there may
be an underlying agenda that's blocking you from moving forward. Sometimes we
refuse to let go or change a seemingly unpleasant situation because of some kind of
secondary gain—in other words, there may be some hidden benefit that keeps you
holding onto a defensive position. For example, maybe your indignation and refusal to
forgive feels empowering and gives you a greater sense of being in control of the
relationship or your anger gives you the emotional distance to feel safe and avoid
becoming vulnerable again. Whatever the specifics might be, it's important to take
stock and ask yourself, "What might I be gaining from my refusal to forgive?" This may

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be a hard question to answer, but serious consideration can lead to important insights.

~Be flexible and seek balance! Rigidity and forgiveness are mortal enemies. You cannot
forgive someone and contribute to a loving, safe relationship if you’re locked into an
idea of the way things should be. Forgiveness and flexibility go hand in hand. You’ll
find that people most resistant to forgiving others are fixated on their pain. Of course,
we should all give attention and care to our emotional wounds. But it's one thing to
nurture and tend to your emotional wounds; it's quite another to let these emotional
tender-spots dictate what the rest of your life is going to look like. The truth is that
very little outside ourselves is within our control and therefore trying to keep
everything under control (the actions of another person, for example) will only lead to
frustration and disappointment. Being flexible and seeking balance, leaving room for
the unknowns -- for unpredictable things to come your way -- will leave you more open
to forgiveness.

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Chapter 7

Chapter 7: Forgiveness and your relationship—part 2

Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit.

~Peter Ustinov

Relationships are living, breathing, dynamic, fluid entities (like the individuals who
comprise them). They evolve. They do not sit still and stagnate, because you do not.
Change is inevitable. Forgiveness is a way to accept change, because it acknowledges
reality. Forgiving a partner for a mistake acknowledges that the relationship is ongoing,
that you don’t think that a particular mistake is going to be an everyday occurrence
(although the need for forgiveness in general is nearly a daily requirement).
Forgiveness yields to and complements change and allows for growth.

Living and growing means making mistakes. And therefore there will be many, many
times you must forgive your partner and times your partner must forgive you. That
doesn’t mean there’s something inherently wrong with your relationship; quite the
contrary, regular apologies and forgiveness are signs of a strong, committed bond.

You have the power to forgive—the inverse is true, of course. That means you also have
the power to withhold forgiveness. Aren’t you supposed to be teaching your partner a
lesson? NO. You teach your children lessons, not your partner. You and your partner
are equals, which means you are not in a position of authority, moral or otherwise. You
should certainly teach your partner how you want to be treated, but you are not his/her

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judge and jury. Instead, you are your own advocate/protector. If you regularly feel the
overwhelming desire to punish your partner, the relationship is not operating on a
foundation of trust and mutual compassion. You and your partner may not have the
same core relationship goals, or for some reason, you're not ready to adopt a
forgiveness mindset.

Forgiveness is a form of giving of

It's the small, daily blunders that can add up and do
yourself, and when you give you end
up feeling good, even when you’re serious damage to your relationship
not giving with any expectations for
yourself or any ulterior motives.
Why You Should Give Your Partner the Benefit of the Doubt
Forgiveness is more about you than
it is about your partner. Of course
you’ve heard, “It’s better to give than Have you ever given your partner the benefit of the doubt? If
to receive,” and this refers to the
you’re in a committed relationship, you probably have without
often transcendent feeling you get
when you give. Forgiving is a type of even realizing it. A forgiveness mindsets encourages you to
giving, and, as long as it doesn’t give others the benefit of the doubt. Giving someone you love
make you blind to a pattern of abuse,
the benefit of the doubt runs on a continuum. On one end, it
it will bring you that good feeling. It
reminds you to live in the present, might mean that you completely ignore something they did
make plans for the future, and not that annoyed you. From time to time we all ignore things
live in the past.
about our partners that feel like a tweezer-resistant splinter.
On the other, with bigger “offenses,” it means that you’ll
approach their behavior with calmness and a healthy dash of
understanding and perspective.

Think of giving the benefit of the doubt as a subset of the forgiveness mindset. It's a
mindset that acknowledges the reality that you're going to have to cut each other slack
if you want a healthy and successful relationship.

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Chapter 7

Picture this: After one too many spiked egg-nogs at the office holiday party, your
partner serenades your boss with a wobbly “I Just Called to Say I Love You” while you
hide behind a coat rack.

Even though your boss seems amused, you’ve got grounds for
a World War III kind of fight, the kind of earth-quaking fight
The benefit of the doubt mindset will
that before now you could barely imagine, let alone instigate. also make you feel a lot calmer, since
But wait. You take a few steps back, think about how your you'll be able to roll with the
punches and let go of the small blun-
partner has never been drunk before (maybe he’s got a low
ders that we all make.
alcohol tolerance? And it is the holiday season, after all…),
and reason, “He’s been under so much stress lately. I’ll cut
him some slack this time.” So the next morning, instead of
replacing his hair gel with Nair and blasting him out of bed with a bullhorn at 5:00 AM,
you calmly mention that he really tied one on the night before and his behavior
embarrassed you something fierce.

Giving your partner the benefit of the doubt is a simple and effective way to nurture
your relationship.

Happiness and love are strong motivators for making a long-term commitment. But
what happens when your relationship—for a little while—stops bringing you
happiness? Are you ready for the times when finding your car keys will be easier than
feeling happy in your relationship? Will a need for instant gratification or a “what’s in it
for me?” attitude influence hasty decisions about the relationship? Or will you hang in
there and work toward the happiness you know your relationship is capable of
bringing? In order to do this, you will need to adopt a “benefit of the doubt” mindset.
Let’s look at this mindset in greater detail.

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You should give your partner the benefit of the doubt because:

~You and your partner will fight a lot less.

~All relationships go through ups and downs. And all people have “off” days and “on”
days.

~All partners (yes, even you) act like selfish eight-year-olds from time to time.

~Unbroken stretches of nothing but pure happiness is unrealistic.

~Being part of a committed relationship means putting your needs aside, at least
temporarily.

~Your partner (and the relationship itself) may have earned some “benefit of the
doubt” credits. Think back to how often things have gone well in your relationship.

You shouldn’t give your partner the benefit of the doubt when:

~Your partner is abusive.

~Your relationship has only brought suffering.

~You feel manipulated into giving your partner the benefit of the doubt.

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~Your partner is no longer committed to the relationship, no matter what you do or

how hard you try.

Odds are, you know someone who overlooks egregious, relationship-destructive

behavior in his/her partner and chalks it up to giving him/her the benefit of the doubt.
But that’s not what that person is doing: indeed, he or she is only overlooking
egregious, relationship-destructive behavior that won’t get any better during that
unhealthy silence of denial. Each partner must be committed to the relationship and
must feel responsible for his/her behavior in order for the benefit of the doubt mindset
to work. After all, giving the benefit of the doubt means temporarily suspending
judgment while looking at the big picture of a healthy, mutually satisfying union.

Conditions needed to practice the benefit of the doubt mindset

There are certain conditions that need to be in place for the benefit of the doubt and
forgiveness mindsets to thrive in your marriage/relationship:

1. You both need to be trying your best and show commitment

It's much easier to forgive someone who messes up when you can tell that s/he is also
really trying to do the right thing. If your partner perceives you as uncaring and barely
committed to the marriage or relationship, then s/he is probably going to have a pretty
difficult time approaching you with an open and forgiving heart—when the person
across the table doesn't seem to care anymore, you're going to move into a protective,
self-perseverance mode of survival. Essential to this survival mode is to withdraw and
close off the most vulnerable parts of yourself. This is the direct opposite of a
collaborative forgiveness atmosphere.

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2. What was his/her intention?

Picture these two scenarios:

1. Your partner kicks you in the shins and when you ask why s/he just kicked you, your
partner says, "I'm mad at you and felt like it."

2. Your partner kicks you in the shins and when you ask why s/he just kicked you, your
partner says, "Oops, I just got a painful cramp in my leg and I was trying to stretch
when I mistakenly kicked you."

The same event with one major difference: in the first scenario your partner
intentionally wanted to hurt you; in the second, s/he unintentionally hurt you.

Often couples hurt one another unintentionally—you make a promise you forget to
keep, you remain silent when your partner expects supportive words, during an
argument you lose your cool and say something you later regret…we've all been there.
When you forgive your partner and give him/her the benefit of the doubt, you probably
assume that s/he didn't mean to hurt you (even though they did). For most couples,
this assumption often functions at an unconscious level. It is only when your spouse's/
partner's behavior appears so out of character that you begin to question your
assumptions of whether your partner's hurtful/disappointing action was intentional or
not.

If you're having trouble giving your partner the benefit of the doubt, check to see if
you're working from the assumption that s/he meant to hurt you or at least, didn't care
if s/he hurt you. It's hard to forgive an uncaring adult who is capable of acting in a
mature, responsible manner.

If you hold the assumption that your spouse/partner is either intentionally trying to

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Chapter 7

hurt you or just doesn't care if his/her actions negatively impact you, it will be
important to think about why you believe this to be true. After reflecting on the reasons
for this assumption, the next step would be to discuss your concerns with your partner/
spouse. Let him know exactly why you feel this way and exactly what s/he can do to
prove that your assumption is false. Give specific examples of what you need (saying, "I
want you to try harder" is too vague and won't help your partner; saying, "Each
morning I need you to get one of the kids ready for school while I get ready for work"
gives your partner a clear picture of what you want and what will show that s/he is
indeed "trying").

3. Building trust

It's difficult to hold onto a forgiving mindset when you do not trust someone. This is
related to the issue of intention discussed above, but it goes beyond this issue as well.
You might feel that your spouse/partner would never intentionally hurt you but at the
same time believe that your partner is so clueless or absent-minded that s/he will never
change and be the responsible life-mate you dreamed of. You anticipate inconsistent,
unreliable and unpredictable behavior at every turn of the relationship. Why would you
continuously forgive someone (or even try to hold onto a forgiveness mindset) who is
just going to screw up time and time again without any hope for changing?

There's no way around this one—you and your partner have to prove to one another
that you're trustworthy (or at least capable of becoming trustworthy). Forgiveness must
be built upon a foundation of trust. The person doing the forgiving needs to trust that
the person being forgiven will try harder; and the person asking for forgiveness needs
to trust that s/he will be forgiven rather that persecuted.

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4. The offender needs to be contrite and genuine

Consider this scenario: Your wife’s car is in the shop and you were supposed to pick her
up from work. This totally slips your mind and you leave her waiting for more than an
hour. She finally reaches you, at which point what you were supposed to remember
comes flooding back to you and you jump in your car and race to get her. Of course
she's annoyed; you'd be too. Now, let me ask you this, if you don't say you’re sorry, if
you don't genuinely apologize, do you think your wife is going

We're about halfway through at this

to feel forgiveness toward you?
point; we've covered a great deal of
information and you've answered
A genuine apology comes from the heart and has emotion
many challenging questions. Hope-
fully you have some new insights
behind it. Saying, "I'm sorry" while watching Project Runway
about yourself and the role of for- isn't a genuine apology. A genuine apology does not come with
giveness in your life and relation-
a time-frame (“You have thirty minutes to forgive me, or my
ship. So take a few deep breaths and
give yourself a pat on the back for all
apology is retracted”) or with strings attached (“If you don’t
the good work you've done so far! forgive me, I won’t mow the lawn for a month.”). As the
apologizer, your job is to put the apology out there for your
partner to process. S/he may be too angry to accept it in the
Don't forget to revisit the exercises
you have already completed from
moment and you need to learn that that is OK. Give your
time to time to help you integrate partner the apology but also give him/her room to have their
the material into your relationship.
own feelings about what transpired. A "Come on! I said I was
sorry, what's your problem" attitude is toxic to a forgiving
environment. As the one who screwed up, your job (in
addition to apologizing) is to show patience—do yourself, your partner and the
marriage/relationship a big favor--practice being patient!

So how about giving this mindset a try? Giving your partner the benefit of the doubt is
an act of forgiveness. It’s one of the times when you can place your partner and the

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Chapter 7

relationship above your own needs. Think of it as an act of hope and an act of trust—
you anticipate something positive on the horizon, so in this moment you choose to give
your partner the benefit of the doubt.

Before we go any further, it will be important for you to understand what might be
preventing you (and your partner) from cultivating a forgiveness mindset. There are
many roadblocks that can stand in the way of forgiveness and it will be important for
you to understand what particular issues make forgiveness difficult for you.

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Chapter 8: What can stand in the way of a forgiveness mindset

What we forgive too freely doesn't stay forgiven.

~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960

In order to create a forgiveness mindset, it will be helpful to uncover some of the

hurdles that can block forgiveness. Often these forgiveness blocks lie right below the
surface of our awareness, and though you might not be aware of them, these hurdles
can have a significant impact on your ability to adopt a forgiveness mindset.

As you read through these forgiveness roadblocks, see which of them rings true for you.

1. Unrealistic expectations

Everyone brings a vast array of expectations and beliefs into their marriage or
relationship: these expectations have a powerful impact on the way you relate to your
partner and how you behave in the relationship. For instance, let's imagine that you
approach the relationship with the expectation that your partner should make you
happy and meet all of your needs. You may not even be fully aware of these
expectations, but over time you may find yourself feeling disillusioned with the
relationship and angry with your partner because s/he is falling short of your ideals. In
this example, you would have a very difficult time forgiving your partner for the typical

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Chapter 8

day-to-day missteps that come with a committed relationship. Your out-of-reach

expectations have elevated the relationship bar to such a degree that you will not be
able to take the perspective that is needed for the cultivation of a forgiveness mindset.

Self-reflection:

Based upon what you observed in your family-of-origin, what expectations do you
think you hold about marriage and long-term, committed relationships? To help clarify
your expectations, I've listed some areas of your relationship where you probably hold
one or more expectations. For each category, write down your expectations (if you have
difficulty describing your expectations, you can jump to the sentence completion
exercise that follows):

Expectations for a husband:

Expectations for a wife:

Expectations about finances:

Expectations about work/career:

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Expectations about household work:

Expectations about children/childcare:

Expectations about religion/spirituality:

To help you tease out your expectations even further, answer the following sentence
completion statements (write down the first thing that comes to your mind, without
censoring yourself):

The best thing about marriage is________________________________

______________________________________________________

When you're in a committed relationship, it's essential to________________

_______________________________________________________

A husband should always______________________________________

_______________________________________________________

Most marriages end because____________________________________

_______________________________________________________

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Chapter 8

In successful relationships the man usually__________________________

_______________________________________________________

A wife should always_________________________________________

_______________________________________________________

Being the man of the household means_____________________________

_______________________________________________________

In relationships that are strong, the woman typically ___________________

_______________________________________________________

For me, the most important part of a marriage/relationship is_____________

_______________________________________________________

I expect my partner/spouse to _________________________________ when I

need him/her.

When you are finished, note any themes and/or patterns to your answers—these are
clues to the expectations you hold about being in a long-term, committed relationship.

As you examine your responses, think about which expectations are most aligned with
the realities of your marriage/relationship (and most aligned with your spouse’s/
partner’s expectations). Describe the ways in which these expectations have been
validated and realized throughout your relationship:

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In what ways have your expectations and relationship not been in harmony?

Which of your expectations do you think can stand in the way of you working toward a
forgiveness mindset?

2. Unforgiving role-models

Like many behaviors, the ability and willingness to forgive is learned throughout life.
Your parents/caregivers and important others in your life (teachers, neighbors, clergy)
were the role models for how you learned to relate to others (for an in-depth discussion
of how your past impacts your relationship, see the second module in the Healthy
Program Series, Take Control of Your Relationship: Don't Let Your Past Dictate Your
Future).

As a child, you probably witnessed the important people in your life forgiving and
failing to forgive each other time and time again. In addition to directly observing acts
of forgiveness (accepting an apology is one form of forgiveness), your caregivers may
have instilled in you certain values and attitudes that are either pro- or anti-

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Chapter 8

forgiveness. If you were raised in an environment that failed to support a pro-

forgiveness mindset, then you may find yourself struggling to bring the virtues of
forgiveness into your own relationships. With awareness and effort, these past patterns
can be altered and you and your partner can begin practicing forgiveness.

Self-Reflection:

In what ways are you like your parents/caregivers when it comes to the ability to
forgive or not forgive?

What small steps can you begin to take in order to overcome the influence of any
unforgiving caregivers?

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3. Fear

Fear can be a major hurdle to forgiving someone who has hurt you—fear of getting hurt
again, of placing yourself in a vulnerable position. Rather than forgive, fear keeps you
recoiled and distant from your partner, protected by the growing divide that separates
you both. But this type of self-protection may be partly based on the misunderstanding
about what it means to forgive another person. As a client once said to me, "If I forgive
him, then I'm in danger of being hurt all over again!" What
The distinction between forgiveness this statement implies is that in order to forgive, you
and forgetting about some past in- automatically make yourself vulnerable to future hurts—and
jury or violation is important to hold
onto. While forgiveness can mean
of course, once you've been hurt in a relationship you don't
different things to different people, want to experience that pain all over again.
forgiveness does not involve denying
that the painful experience occurred.
The experience did occur and it
But can’t forgiveness and self-protection exist side by side?
should be recognized as a reality Absolutely! Forgiving does not mean forgetting; it does not
that is part of your past. Forgive- mean remaining oblivious to harmful situations. Balancing a
ness allows you to become less con-
forgiveness mindset with regular self-care is crucial to
sumed emotionally by the painful
event, so that you can be less con- maintaining healthy boundaries and enjoying a healthy
trolled by your past and live more relationship. It is blind forgiveness (prematurely forgiving
fully in the present. It is this
someone who is unconcerned about your welfare or who is
knowledge that will help you and
your partner take the necessary steps intent on hurting you again) that can put you at risk of being
required to learn from past mistakes victimized.
and to become mindful of times
when these negative patterns are
likely to occur. When you indiscriminately allow fear to control you (even
when your partner has your best interests in mind), you rob
yourself of the gift of intimacy, that connection that makes you
feel like you’re with your soulmate. One of the best ways to protect yourself while
nurturing a forgiveness mindset is through the power of effective communication—
letting your partner know what you need in order to trust him/her. (For a detailed

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Chapter 8

description of how you and your spouse/partner can learn the vital tools of effective
communication, see the Healthy Relationship Program module, The ABCs of Effective
Communication.)

Self-Reflection:

Very often it is fear that holds us back from sharing who we truly are with another
person. Fear of rejection, shame, abandonment, being seen as "less than," and/or a fear
of being seen as unworthy and unlovable, can cause you to live behind the walls of self-
protection.

Do you ever feel yourself holding back within your marriage or relationship? If so, what
role does fear play when this occurs? (Try to be very specific about which fears block
you from fully connecting with your partner.)

In what way do you think these fears stand in the way of mutual acceptance and
forgiveness becoming a regular part of your marriage/relationship?

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Do these fears feel justified in your marriage/relationship? If so, describe how your
relationship perpetuates your fears:

Now describe in as much detail as possible how your spouse’s/partner’s behavior

contradicts any fears you may hold (e.g., you fear being rejected but your partner has
been mostly supportive of you):

How can you use this information to slowly begin to challenge and let go of any fears
that may exist?

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Chapter 8

4. Anger/resentment

Anger (which is very different from aggressiveness) can serve the important function of
self-protection. When you're angry, your emotional guard goes up and you keep your
distance (emotional and/or physical distance) from the person who hurt you. You may
also become more vigilant in an effort not to become vulnerable and hurt again in the
future. Anger can also motivate you to more fully assert yourself, communicating your
needs more directly in an effort to find resolution to a particular problem or issue.

But what if your spouse or partner unintentionally hurts you and s/he has taken
responsibility for his/her actions, yet for some reason, you remain angry and unwilling
to let go of these feelings?

Can you imagine how tenaciously holding onto your anger and refusing to let even a
small piece of it go can be counter-productive to the relationship and your well-being?

While anger can help you protect yourself, unresolved anger can accumulate into toxic
resentments that have no useful purpose. Resentments are wounds that do not heal,
leaving you trapped and a prisoner of your past. Very often our lingering resentments
prevent us from journeying closer toward forgiveness.

If you've ever been hurt, you probably know what it's like to harbor resentment toward
another person. You're not alone if resentment has played a role in your marriage/
relationship at one time or another. While feeling resentful is clearly part of the human
condition, we need to ask ourselves if carrying around resentments is ever helpful.
Remember, resentment is the accumulation of hurt feelings and anger that, for
whatever reason, you cannot shake. The original cause of these feelings may stem from
a serious violation of trust or they may arise from a series of repetitive, smaller painful
events. Whatever the initial cause, resentments are a sign that long after the troubling

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event has passed, the presence of a grievance remains in your heart—the wrong that
you suffered remains alive and well, despite the passage of time.

It's common for people to be more aware of their emotions and feelings than their
thoughts (even though it is the thought that keeps the emotion
Think of resentment as an unwel- alive) without having the same level of awareness for the
come guest at your holiday gather- thoughts that keep these feelings alive—many of our thoughts
ing. This kind of guest is an un-
are so automatic and fleeting that they go undetected. But
wanted energy-drain that pulls at
you and takes you away from the since your thoughts feed your emotions, the goal becomes to:
people and activities you'd really like
to engage in. You'd probably experi-
1. Increase awareness of your thoughts;
ence a big sense of relief when this
person leaves, feeling like you can
finally relax and settle. Letting go of 2. Become mindful of the impact your thoughts have on your
resentments is no different than
emotions/experiences;
getting rid of an unwelcome house
guest.
3. Have a choice over which types of thoughts you'd like to
experience more of and which types of thoughts you'd like to
reduce or eliminate.

Here are some examples of pro-forgiveness thoughts:

~Thought #1: Everyone makes mistakes now and then.

~Thought #2: She really seemed sorry; this shows she wants to work on healing
our relationship.
~Thought #3: I've also done things I regret and when that happened I wanted to
be forgiven too.

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Chapter 8

Self-Reflection: Action step:

Describe below one or two events that have occurred in your marriage or relationship
that led you to experience substantial anger toward your spouse/partner (try to be as
objective as you can while describing these events, focusing on what actually happened
instead of your reactions):

Event # 1:

Event #2:

What do you think has prevented you from moving past these painful experiences?

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Now list the thoughts you continue to have about the event(s) that make it hard for you
to forgive and let go of your anger/resentments (in essence, these thoughts keep your
emotional reaction alive, so it will be important for you to become mindful of any
grievance-feeding thoughts that remain active in your mind):

Here are some examples:

Thought #1: She should have known better.

Thought #2: I bet it will happen again!
Thought #3: I can never forgive him for being so insensitive.
Thought #4: He hurt me so much, he can't really love me.
Thought #5: She can't be trusted, so why should I forgive her?

Now it's your turn:

Thought # 1:

Thought #2:

Thought #3:

Thought #4:

Thought # 5:

Can you see how these thoughts continue to feed your anger and resentment? I'm not
going to try to take these thoughts away from you (you may feel very justified in

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Chapter 8

holding onto them); but what I would like to do is expand your options—give you
additional thoughts that can allow for the possibility of less anger in your life. This will
also help you with your forgiveness journey.

Now start to formulate pro-forgiveness thoughts about these events. It's important to
note that these thoughts do not have to deny the reality of the pain you're experiencing
and in fact, it's better if your pro-forgiveness thoughts validate your struggle.

Here are a few examples of pro-forgiveness thoughts:

Thought #1: It's really hard forgiving him for being so insensitive, and I can try by
taking small steps and seeing what happens.

Thought #2: It may happen again and it may not. Instead of waiting for something
bad to reoccur, I can try to focus on how my partner is making an effort to regain my
trust.

Thought #3: I know why I'm having trouble trusting her again. In addition to
focusing on this, I will start a trust-list and write all the ways she has been trustworthy
in the past. I can read this each day to help gain some balance.

Note how these forgiveness-friendly thoughts acknowledge your struggles and

challenges. When you're overwrought with feelings of anger and struggle with trust
issues, it's important to try to regain your emotional equilibrium and balance by

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adding disclaimers to the thoughts that feed anger and resentment. Follow each of your
anger-producing thoughts with a statement that introduces the possibility of
forgiveness (even if your anger creates resistance to forgiveness at this time). To try to
deny your feelings of anger may feel futile and cause frustration. It can also cause your
anger to go underground where it will continue to have power over you and impact
your experiences. So it’s much healthier to address and validate your feelings while
trying to expand your possibilities—possibilities that include forgiveness.

Thoughts of possibility are important because they allow for the emergence of new
experiences, experiences that challenge an anti-forgiveness mindset and pave the way
for a pro-forgiveness mindset.

Once you have created a list of forgiveness-friendly thoughts, write them down some
place that will force you to see and read them each day. Rehearsing these new thoughts
are an important part of creating a forgiveness mindset.

5. Feeling that "justice" hasn't been served

"We had a huge fight and John said things to me that were really hurtful. I'm not going
to tolerate that type of behavior. But then the next day he acts like everything is fine
and gets mad at me for 'being too sensitive.' He's said before that I don't know how to
get over things. But he didn't even apologize for what he said!" ~Lucie

Place yourself in Lucie's shoes for a moment and think about what might be
contributing to her inability to "get over things." What immediately comes to mind
(besides thinking that she should find a new husband)?

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Chapter 8

It's pretty difficult to forgive someone who doesn't take

responsibility for what s/he's done. When you think about
It's important that your partner
forgiving another person (for something small or large), you takes steps to restore the harmony of
may expect that person to do something to facilitate the the relationship after s/he has hurt
you in some way (and, of course, the
forgiveness process. This might include:
same holds true for you when you
hurt your partner). While it's under-
~The person taking responsibility (acknowledge his/her standable that your marriage or rela-
tionship will experience periodic
wrongdoing);
turbulence, the way in which these
~S/he taking steps to right the wrong (e.g. go to anger relationship rifts are handled can
management classes, join AA, call you each day from work); make all the difference between get-
ting stuck or moving forward. When
~The person clearly demonstrating that s/he is motivated to
you and your partner take the neces-
change and stop acting in ways that will continue to upset or sary steps to make amends for some
hurt you. wrong that has occurred, you restate
your commitment to making the
relationship the best it can be. Dem-
onstrating a mutual commitment to
overcoming relationship problems is
essential for maintaining trust—a
Self-reflection Action Step:
vital ingredient necessary for inti-
macy to grow—and for forgiveness to
Think about what you need your spouse/partner to do in flourish.

order to ignite the healing forgiveness process—be as specific

as possible and describe this below:

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How can you discuss this with him/her in a way that is supportive and shows empathy?
(That's right, I'm asking you to be supportive and demonstrate empathy to the person
who hurt you—while this may get your hackles raised, it really is an important step to
increasing the likelihood of success. You can show support and also let your partner
know that you're not ready to fully forgive him/her.)

6. The "I didn't do anything wrong" standby

I know you’ve heard the wise saying, ‘Forgiveness is a two-way street.’ Often couples
get into destructive deadlocks because one or both parties believe that they didn't
contribute to the circumstances that caused a problem or set of problems to arise in the
relationship. This is what John in the example above often does: He not only denies
responsibility, he ends up projecting responsibility onto Lucie by claiming she's "too
sensitive"—in essence, he's saying that it's his wife's fault for feeling hurt! In his mind,
he never does anything wrong and Lucie has the problem because she is thin-skinned
and often overreacts. For obvious reasons, this way of approaching interpersonal issues
leads to a breakdown in communication, trust, and — ultimately — intimacy.

Cultivating a forgiveness mindset doesn’t mean that you shouldn't assert yourself when
necessary and learn how to articulate and communicate your needs—in fact, these are
essential skills that will allow for forgiveness to become a healthy part of your
relationship. Unfortunately, the blame-game (i.e., the excuse that ‘everyone else is to
blame for my problems’) is alive and well in many relationships. To protect your
relationship from the blame-game mindset, taking ownership of your own foibles is
necessary and the first step in learning how to flex your forgiveness muscle—often

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Chapter 8

overlooked in today’s society—when it benefits you and your partner and contributes to
a healthy, happier union.

So the question to give some serious attention to is that whenever something goes
wrong for you, do you quickly point a finger at others, rather than taking the time to
consider how you might have contributed to the issue at
hand? (Again, we all have the tendency to look outside
An important note before we go any
ourselves when problems arise, so please don't feel that you're
further: The type of forgiveness
the only person who does this.) we’re discussing is not an unin-
formed forgiveness, one where you
open yourself up to abuse and you
Self-Reflection Action Step:
don’t hold your partner accountable
for his/her actions. Forgiveness
Some honest self-reflection is needed to answer this one. Do and accountability go hand in
hand. Rather, the type of forgive-
you have trouble taking responsibility (even partial
ness that has the power to cement
responsibility) for a marriage problem or some recurring relationships in a healthy way is an
relationship issue? If you are uncertain, think about the enlightened forgiveness, one in
which the two parties are equal, take
feedback you receive from your partner and others in your life.
responsibility for their actions and
neither one commits deliberate acts
of malice against the other.

What do you think stands in the way of you taking more

responsibility for any relationship difficulties that may arise?

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What needs to occur for you to take more ownership for both the positive aspects of the
relationship and the challenges you both face?

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Chapter 9

Chapter 9: You Have the Power to Forgive

Life is an adventure in forgiveness.

~Norman Cousins

People differ in their ability to forgive; you might be someone who can easily forgive or
forgiveness may feel like an uphill journey for you. While there are inherent differences
in one's ability to forgive, keep in mind that the attitude of forgiveness can be cultivated
and can become a dependable part of your marriage or relationship.

In fact, forgiveness should become a part of your relationship—that's the premise of

this module. In his book, Wounds Not Healed by Time: The Power of Repentance and
Forgiveness, Solomon Schimmel discusses two types of forgiveness: Internal and
interpersonal. Let's look at these dimensions of forgiveness.

You can forgive someone internally — within your heart – without communicating this
to another person. In this case, you've made an emotional shift and now have a
different way of thinking about the event or situation that hurt you—you may no longer
feel as angry or as plagued by the event as you were in the past. In this case you've
emotionally let go of the painful event—you've released yourself from the thoughts and
feelings that kept you attached to the painful event.

Interpersonal forgiveness occurs when you share your feelings and experience of

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forgiveness with the other person (you communicate the internal forgiveness you now
experience). You may internally forgive someone and make the decision not to share
your forgiveness with the person. In romantic relationships, it's usually beneficial to
experience both forms of forgiveness, since communicating forgiveness is an important
step in repairing and healing the rifts that are likely to form throughout the life of your
relationship. But remember, it's important that internal forgiveness occurs before
communicating forgiveness to your partner.

If there's been a major issue between you and your partner and you're not totally ready
to forgive your partner (and s/he has been contrite and wants to make amends), you
can let him/her know that you're in the process of forgiving him/her—that you want to
forgive and you’re trying but you're not one hundred percent there yet. This sends a
powerful, healing message that shows your commitment to the relationship and keeps
hope alive that things between the two of you will improve. Can you see how this is a
better option than jumping head-first into the forgiveness pool when the truth is you
still need more time?

Communicate Forgiveness When You Are Ready To Forgive

Problems can arise when you prematurely tell your spouse/partner that you've fully
forgiven him/her (or you act in ways that suggest forgiveness), but your internal
experience doesn't match the words and behaviors of forgiveness shared with your
partner.

Meet Timothy: "I accept your apology…but not really."

Everybody likes Tim; he's just one of those very likeable people who seem to get along

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Chapter 9

with everyone. If you spend any amount of time with him in a public place, it's obvious
that he knows many people and they clearly feel warmly toward him. "This was one of
the main reasons I fell in love with him," shared his wife Paula. "He's a really nice guy
and you can't help wanting to be his friend…"

After five years of marriage (and being together for nine years), Paula has become
aware that Tim has "difficulty letting go of things…We argue just like other couples and
sometimes after we make up, Tim says that he's totally fine but he acts different. He
can be distant and snappy, and when I point it out to him, he'll deny anything is wrong.
I thought it was just me being sensitive, but I've seen it again and again. A mutual
friend even said something to me about it recently."

Over the course of our work together, Tim came to realize that he often jumps into a
premature forgiveness mode, telling Paula that everything is OK despite needing more
time and space to sort out his feelings. In a recent counseling session, he described, "I
hate conflict and I just want things to be OK between us…I really end up feeling terrible
when we argue, so I'll apologize or I'll tell Paula everything is fine. I think I'm being
sincere when I say those things."

And Tim is being sincere because he really means what he's saying. The problem is that
he ends up denying certain feelings that he finds troubling; feelings that are
inconsistent with his vision of himself (as a friendly, likeable, kindhearted person) and
the vision that others have of him. So he prematurely tells his wife that an argument or
disagreement is totally over but then he acts in ways that are confusing and upsetting
to Paula—he'll act aloof or she'll notice that he's avoiding her. As Paula stated, "Just tell
me that you're not ready to talk or whatever. At least I'll know to give him some space. I
end up feeling like an idiot because I act like we're back to normal and then he pulls
away from me and I get hurt. I can't tell you how many times this became a big issue
for us. So we end up fighting about that too."

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In the case of Tim and Paula, Tim moved into interpersonal forgiveness before he fully
experienced internal forgiveness. In other words, you can want to forgive but not be
completely ready to forgive. When this happens, it will be helpful to accept this
reality, rather than denying or fighting it. People are often ambivalent while journeying
toward forgiveness. And, depending on circumstances, it might be helpful to let your
spouse/partner know that while you're struggling to jump head-first into the
forgiveness pool, you are moving forward, toward forgiving (at this point, reiterating
what you will be needing from him/her to facilitate this

It is important to acknowledge that

process can be helpful. It may be as simple as telling him/her,
the urge to forgive your spouse/ "I need some time and to not feel rushed").
partner can exist side-by-side with
feelings that you're not ready to for-
give. Accepting both of these con-
Forgiveness is a process and each person's process is unique
trasting experiences can lead to im- and will follow a particular course. Part of creating a
portant insights about what you
forgiveness climate in your marriage or relationship will be to
need in order to move your forgive-
ness process forward.
understand your own and each other’s forgiveness process.
For instance, you may be able to quickly forgive after your
partner apologizes for something s/he said or did that upset
you. Your partner's process may be a little different: s/he may
require more time and need you to somehow demonstrate that you are truly sorry.

Since each person's forgiveness process is different, it's important to understand your
particular process—and to know what impacts your spouse/partner's ability to forgive.
This awareness can go a long way in building and maintaining a harmonious
relationship.

Many people wrongly believe that forgiveness is an either-or event; either you forgive
someone or you don't. This viewpoint completely overlooks the complexity of
relationships and of forgiveness. Think of forgiveness as a series of steps (with starts
and stops and detours) that you'll need to take, and while some events in your

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Chapter 9

relationship will require only one step to forgive, others may require several or even
many steps before you reach the pinnacle of forgiveness. But with each step, a piece of
the forgiveness puzzle will be set in place, allowing you and your spouse/partner to
connect or reconnect to one another—even when total forgiveness isn't realized yet.

Self-Reflection Action Step:

How do you know when you're ready to forgive? (If you've never given this any
thought, please take the time to reflect on this now.) Describe the thoughts and feelings
that accompany the experience of feeling ready:

Think about a time when you forgave someone (recently or in the past). What did you
actively do to facilitate your forgiveness process? (Give this some thought, since you
may need to heighten your awareness of your forgiveness process.)

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In above example, why were you motivated to forgive?

What, if any, resistance did you have to overcome in order to forgive this person?

Remember that first and foremost,

the act of forgiveness is for you (and
not the person you are choosing to
forgive—forgiveness is an act of self-
compassion). To forgive means to let
go of and release the painful feelings
and life-draining energy that prevent
you from living the life you deserve.
Let's turn our attention to helping you figure out what the role
You should never feel coerced or
"guilted" into forgiving someone. of forgiveness has been in your life—these insights can allow
Forgiving someone before you're forgiveness to become a regular part of your life and
ready is seldom in your best interest.
relationship.

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Chapter 10

Chapter 10: The history of forgiveness in your life

The practice of peace and reconciliation is one of the most vital and artistic of human
actions.

~Thich Nhat Hanh

To deepen your knowledge and understanding of forgiveness, you'll now be asked

about your family of origin. In my work with couples, I've found that couples can gain
valuable insights by looking at their childhoods through the lenses of forgiveness.

Use the following exercises to get a better sense of what you learned about forgiveness
and what your particular forgiveness process looks like (as with all the exercises in the
Healthy Relationship Program Workbook Series, please take your time and
revisit these questions as needed in order to deepen your learning).

Family-of-Origin Questions:

List the most influential people in your life when you were growing up and describe
each person along the dimensions of forgiving-unforgiving (write
adjectives and/or short phrases describing each person you list below):

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Person 1 Person 2 Person 3 Person 4 Person 5

Describe what you learned about forgiveness as a child from each of these people (think
about the important people in your childhood as "pro-forgiveness" or "anti-
forgiveness" mentors):

How did your parents/caregivers reconcile and forgive one another after a fight? (Try
to think about specific memories while answering these questions.)

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Chapter 10

What role do you think forgiveness played in your parents’/caregivers’ relationship

with each other and with other people in their life?

Describe the role that forgiveness played in your parents’/caregivers’ relationship with
you (and your siblings):

Describe one of your earliest forgiveness memories (one of the first times you were
forgiven or you forgave someone). Even if you didn't officially forgive this person, if you
were able to continue a relationship with this person, you probably forgave him/her at
some level. As you recall this event, what stands out for you about your forgiveness
experience?

Reread your above answers and reflect on how these early experiences shaped your
forgiveness mindset (your attitudes, beliefs and expectations about forgiveness).

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Chapter 11: A note on premature forgiveness

Patience is the companion of wisdom.

~Saint Augustine

I encourage you to be patient in learning how to be more forgiving (be patient with
yourself and the person you're forgiving). Sometimes people forgive before they are
emotionally ready to let go of what is troubling them. You'll know this is the case when
you tell your spouse/partner that "everything's fine between us," yet you still struggle
with anger toward him/her or find yourself feeling tense whenever s/he is near you or
you feel the need to keep some distance between the two of you. It's important to know
whether you have a tendency to quickly forgive others before you are fully ready—when
you prematurely forgive, you're not being true to yourself or your process.

When we discuss premature forgiveness, we're highlighting a type of forgiveness that

will ultimately have some negative emotional cost to you and your relationship. There
is nothing wrong with wanting to forgive and practicing forgiveness—in fact, the need
for a pro-forgiveness mindset is the premise of this entire book. What we're
highlighting in this section is the potential downside to being too eager to forgive
before you're emotionally ready. It's important to be true to yourself when making the
decision to forgive, and understanding your forgiveness process allows this to happen.

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Chapter 11

Here are a few reasons you might be too quick to forgive:

1. Fear of abandonment: When your actions are influenced by a fear of

abandonment (continuously worrying that your significant other is going to leave you),
you can end up making decisions that stem from these fears, rather than making
decisions based on what is in your best interest. How would a fear of abandonment
impact your decision to forgive your spouse/partner?

In this case you might fear that your partner will leave or dissolve the relationship if
you do not forgive him/her or that whenever you stand up for yourself, s/he will have
second thoughts about the marriage or relationship. Or you might become consumed
with fear that s/he will find someone else, so in an effort to offset these fears and
reconnect with your partner, you ignore your true feelings and instead react out of
anxiety. When you’re driven by fear, you may even find yourself apologizing for being
upset with your partner in the first place.

Fear of abandonment can also manifest out of a fear of being alone. In this case, you'd
rather reconnect with your partner because you have difficulty tolerating feelings
associated with isolation. Rather than taking comfort in your alone time, you find
yourself experiencing distress whenever you are by yourself.

Self-Reflection Action Step:

Does it ever feel like you prematurely forgive your partner because you have difficulty
tolerating being alone? Or you fear your spouse/partner will leave or find someone else
if you do not make amends? If any of this sounds familiar, describe how this has

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impacted you and your marriage/relationship:

Where do you think these fears stem from? Think about specific events that may have
contributed to these fears and describe them below:

Think about a couple of ways that you can start to feel comfort and security within
yourself (in addition to seeking emotional security from others):

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Chapter 11

2. Guilt: We’ve all experienced guilt at one point or another (and sometimes for good
reason), but did you ever stop to think about how guilt impacts your decisions and
therefore your relationship? For instance, you may have recently turned down your
partner’s request to make love. Even though you may have had valid reasons
(exhaustion, preoccupation with work, feeling slightly ill), you still might have felt
guilty. Or, the flip side of the same coin: despite your valid reasons, you agreed to make
love to your partner because you felt guilty about the possibility of disappointing him/
her. In both cases, you felt responsible for what/how other people feel; in the first
example, you made a decision that felt best for you in the moment, yet you suffered
guilt afterwards, and in the second example, you actually made a decision based solely
on avoiding guilt. Guilt can be a powerful force in your life, directing and influencing
your decisions and behaviors.

And while it’s not necessarily a problem to periodically do something for your spouse/
partner out of feelings of guilt, problems can arise when guilt becomes your primary
motivator in forgiving him/her.

An Example of Guilt and Premature Forgiveness

You cannot be forced or coerced or manipulated into forgiveness! If you are, it’s not
real forgiveness.

It can only be genuine if you internalize it—if your reasons to forgive make sense to
you. Think back to when you were a kid and your parent forced you to say "thank you”
to someone. Odds are you weren’t feeling especially grateful at that moment, but you
parroted the words because you didn’t want to suffer your mother’s wrath. Or how
about when your father made you apologize to your little brother after you kicked over
his sand castle? You weren’t feeling all that contrite as you mumbled, “The tide was

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gonna get it anyway.”

We all have mouthed sentiments to others that we don’t believe at the time. But doing
this in your relationship, especially where forgiveness is concerned, is a dangerous
habit. Only express forgiveness if your willingness is there, since it isn’t true
forgiveness otherwise.

If you're someone who can quickly feel guilt, especially the punishing kind of guilt that
can make you feel bad for extended periods of time, then it will be important for you to
make sure that guilt isn't pushing you into forgiving your partner when you're not
ready.

This is exactly what happened to Linda, who's been married for two and a half years to
her childhood sweetheart Chris. They had a big argument one day that got really out of
hand and Chris ended up making a few cruel and hurtful comments to Linda. The next
day he felt awful and apologized for his inappropriate behavior. Still reeling from his
upsetting comments, Linda refused to speak with Chris and clearly wasn't ready to
accept his apology. But during the course of the week, she began "feeling bad" for being
angry with her husband. As she described, "I had this nagging sense that I was doing
something wrong by not forgiving Chris…All the women in my family end up feeling
guilty when we try standing up for ourselves. So I ended up accepting his apology but I
really didn't want to. So then I ended up being mad at myself for not standing my
ground…"

As you can see from Linda's story, people who are plagued by guilt feel caught between
a rock and a hard place. On the one hand they're not ready to forgive, but on the other
hand they feel accosted by their own guilt. If this is at play in your life and relationship,
you can end up forgiving someone before you're ready to do so. The down side to this is

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that (like Linda) your self-esteem may end up taking it on the chin—it's easy to feel
worse about yourself when you do not stick to your convictions. Another downside to
guilt-motivated forgiveness is that over time, you can end up feeling resentful of the
person you end up repeatedly forgiving. This may result
because you feel trapped by your own guilt and it feels like the
Lingering resentments are a com-
only way out is to give in to your partner, even when you
mon reaction when you repeatedly
simultaneously feel justified in not giving in to him/her. do things that you don't want to—
such as prematurely forgiving your
spouse/partner out of fear.

Self-Reflection Action Step:

Think about your marriage or relationship for a moment and reflect on the following
questions:

Have you ever made decisions based mainly on feelings of guilt, only to regret these
decisions later on? Describe one or two instances where this occurred:

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Do you think you've ever forgiven your spouse/partner just because you felt bad for
him/her, because guilt started to get the best of you? Describe how the relationship of
guilt and forgiveness has played out in your marriage or relationship:

If guilt is a big player in your relationship (and in your life) it is important for you to
become mindful of the guilt-producing thoughts that affect your decisions. Guilt is a
feeling, and like many feelings, guilt is influenced by certain thoughts (self-talk) that
lead you to feel poorly about yourself and your decisions.

To develop a clearer picture of your guilt-inducing thoughts, you can carry around a
small pad and pen and write down what goes through your mind each time you feel
guilty about something that happened. As you journal, it will be important to make a
distinction between the following:

1. The objective event that occurred (not your thoughts or feelings about the event; just
the facts about the event);

2. What you felt in connection to the event (your emotional reactions: guilty, sad,
anxious, etc.);

3. Your thoughts/interpretations of the event (what you told yourself about the event).

For instance, let's imagine that you came home really tired from work and told your

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husband that you didn't want to go out to eat (that morning you both made plans to
have dinner at a restaurant together). So you tell him you'd rather stay at home and he
mumbles, "It figures" under his breath. As the night proceeds you notice he appears
distant and sullen. When you ask him what's wrong, he snaps, "Nothing. I'm tired too!"
And then to your surprise, he tells you he's not feeling well and abruptly goes to bed
early.

Let's break this event down into its three parts:

1. Objective External Event: you said you're tired and your husband went to bed
early.

2. Your feelings: unease, guilt and annoyance.

3. Thoughts/Interpretations about the event: I ruined his night; I should have

just gone out to dinner; He's such a baby, he always cancels stuff and I don't make a big
deal out of it; I can't believe I have to deal with this after the day I had; he's such an
insensitive jerk.

The guilt-producing thoughts have been italicized above. Without these thoughts you
probably wouldn't feel guilty and you might have just felt annoyed or angry with him.
These thoughts are like movie scripts that an actor must follow, directing your
viewpoints, feelings, motivations and behaviors. These are your guilt-inducing scripts
that impact you.

Now let's take this a step further. Let's imagine that when you told him you didn't want
to go out, there was a big blow-up between you and you both said things you didn't
mean and for several days the relationship was strained. You keep thinking that the
argument is your fault (a guilt-producing thought) and because of these feelings of

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guilt, you make up the next day with your husband, without discussing his role in the
argument. In this example, you were motivated to reconcile (and forgive) because you
felt guilty (and responsible).

The more aware you become of your guilt-producing thoughts, the more distance and
objectivity you can create in relation to these thoughts and the guilt that arises from
them. Remember, these thoughts are your interpretation of an external event and
therefore your thoughts have a powerful influence on this
People who often struggle with guilt reality—and you can change this guilt-infused reality. Just
feel responsible for events and for
because these thoughts are automatic and familiar doesn't
other people's reactions. In the ex-
ample above, the wife may have felt mean they reflect some unchangeable truth. Guilt is insidious
responsible for her husband's reac- and punishing (and it’s learned—you weren’t born with it).
tion—for his anger and disappoint-
When you release yourself from guilt-producing thoughts, you
ment. But think about this for a mo-
ment: could she really cause his feel- create the mental space needed to truly forgive yourself and
ings? High-guilt individuals usually others.
feel responsible for the bad out-
comes in their lives, and yet when
life seems to go well, they don't as Releasing yourself from self-condemnation will only bring
easily take responsibility for these your greater peace.
positive events. In other words,
high-guilt individuals are burdened
by feeling responsible for things that A note on guilt and self-forgiveness. Guilt is a form of
are beyond their control—usually the self-punishment—when you struggle with guilt you act as
negative events. Do you often feel
judge and jury and your sentence is always harsh.
responsible and, at times, guilty for
your partner's reactions?

Guilt is the polar opposite of self-forgiveness.

Forgiveness frees you so that you have opportunities to connect with and experience
life through your higher self; while guilt is a prison that shackles and siphons your life-
energy. You will need to let go of guilt in order to create a forgiveness mindset.

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Chapter 11

All genuine forgiveness starts with self-forgiveness.

The tendency to experience punishing levels of guilt often originates from the messages
received during childhood, messages that set the stage for you to feel responsible for
anything negative and unfortunate that may happen to you or others in your life. Of
course, the perception that you are consistently responsible for negative outcomes can
also lead to feelings of depression, an inability to experience pleasure, and a lack of
motivation, as well as guilt.

Martyrdom and guilt: Carol’s story

Carol was the official guilt expert in her family. She could feel guilty about things that
were in no way connected to her. Why was she so good at guilt? She was a good learner
and grew up with generations of women who always took on the role of martyrs.

Carol was raised in a family where the women always seemed to take on the
responsibility of dealing with painful and, at times, tragic events. Carol came from a
long line of female martyrs, women who felt the need to suffer whenever another
family member wasn't doing well. This instilled a deep sense of guilt in Carol, who
lived in a self-imposed prison of feeling overly responsible for all the bad that
surrounded her. At one point she deliberately moved away from her family as an adult
in an effort to avoid these stifling family rules. The rules were a variation of: "You're
not supposed to enjoy life if [parent, child, friend, spouse] is struggling." And if it
seemed like things were going well for everyone, the rule morphed into: "Don't enjoy
life too much; it's just a matter of time before something bad happens."

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While Carol created physical distance from her oppressive family, her psyche
continued to function under the old punitive regime. She often heard herself repeating
the words of her grandmother, mother and aunts: "How dare you enjoy life when X is
happening?" The old guilt-inducing scripts that dictated that everyone's life must be
perfect before you can focus on your own happiness was alive and well for her.

As you can see from this example, guilt has a long arm that can follow you wherever
you physically travel.

Self-Reflection Action Step:

What role did guilt play in your family of origin? List several of the guilt-inducing
scripts/rules that you may have internalized from your childhood:

Give two examples of how you were made to feel guilty as a child:

Example 1:

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Chapter 11

Example 2:

As a child, what did you do when you felt guilty? (What impact did guilt have on you?
How did you try to alleviate your guilt—what helped, what didn't?)

Describe the role that guilt plays in your marriage or relationship today. (Note any
similarities between your childhood guilt and your experience of guilt in your
marriage/relationship.)

The above questions are designed to help you get a better understanding of the role
that guilt has played in your life (what your family taught you about guilt).

An important step in letting go of guilt is to become aware of your guilt-inducing

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scripts (the thoughts and family-of-origin rules that are self-punishing and that you
continue to hold onto—these may exist just below your conscious awareness). In
particular, look for thoughts that are extreme in nature--these thoughts/beliefs usually
include the words, "must" and "should" and "ought": "I should have…"; "I shouldn't
have…"; "I must…"; "I ought to…" The renowned psychoanalyst Karen Horney called
such thoughts, "The tyranny of the shoulds," because of their self-punishing nature.
These thoughts keep you trapped in the past—it's as if you're stuck in a feedback loop of
self-condemnation. Falling prey to this type of thinking serves no useful purpose and
can ultimately stand in the way of you feeling fulfilled in your relationship.

Remember, identifying guilt-producing thoughts is just the first step in breaking free
from guilt's grip. It will be important to replace these thoughts with new pro-
forgiveness scripts. While these new scripts will feel unnatural at first (you might
acknowledge them intellectually but not yet "feel" them to be true), with time and
repetition (repeating them on a daily basis) they will slowly become a natural part of
who you are. Don't give up, keep working with these new scripts/beliefs!

3. Easily manipulated:

Meet Jan

Jan was upset with her boyfriend and for good reason. On numerous occasions during
their one-year relationship, Steve had made promises to Jan, only to repeatedly break
them. It got so bad that her friends started to question her decision to remain with
Steve. On this last occasion, Steve told Jan that he was going to help her move (she was
relying on him and his truck) and that she could absolutely count on him. She held off
renting a U-haul because Steve said he would bring his truck. She was nervous about
trusting him, but Steve convinced Jan that this time would be different.

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What ended up happening? You guessed it: On the scheduled day of the move, Jan and
her brother waited for over three hours without hearing from Steve! He was nowhere to
be found and Jan's frantic calls went unanswered as Steve's cell phone just kept rolling
over into voicemail. Three and a half hours later Steve finally called and told Jan he'd
be right over. An additional forty-five minutes passed before he finally arrived.

Let's cut to the chase: In the end, Jan ended up forgiving Steve. When questioned
about her decision to repeatedly forgive him, Jan replied, "He knows how to get to me.
He acts like a sad puppy and he'll start saying things like, 'Oh come on, you can't be
mad at this face, can you?'…Then he starts acting playful and he makes me laugh. It's
really hard to stay mad at him when he acts like that…"

And Steve knows this, even though he'd deny that he is being manipulative. He knows
exactly what to do to get to Jan. In fact, he's bragged in the past that he can get away
with just about anything because, as he described, "Jan's a softy." Steve is manipulating
Jan and Jan is allowing herself to be manipulated by Steve. While it shouldn't have to
be Jan's job to make Steve into a responsible individual, Jan doesn't help the situation
when she fails to hold Steve fully accountable for his irresponsible behaviors.

Whenever you are justifiably angry with your spouse/partner for something s/he has
done, you probably expect that your spouse/partner will take some kind of corrective
action to make the situation better. This might involve a genuine apology, a promise
that s/he will not repeat the upsetting behavior (and evidence that this is happening),
or some other action that demonstrates to you that your spouse/partner is trying to
make-up for his/her error. This shows a desire and willingness to right some wrong
that was committed—an act of contrition.

But as the forgiver, you should also be allowed the time and space that you will need to
forgive—to be allowed to move at your own pace. You should never be bullied or

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coerced or pressured into forgiveness. This is exactly what Steve was doing; he was
coercing Jan into forgiving him over and over again.

Protect yourself and your relationship: Creating healthy boundaries

The ability to be repeatedly manipulated reflects an inability to protect yourself and

reveals the existence of lax boundaries that leave you vulnerable. Your psychological
boundaries are a protective shield that act as a gateway to what is allowed into your
inner world and to what is excluded. Just like the layers of skin that protect your
internal organs, your psychological boundaries are like an invisible skin that must
protect and shield. Your boundaries exist on a continuum from almost non-existent to
very rigid. People with overly rigid boundaries refuse to let any experience impact
them; they refuse to be influenced by others—it's as if any information given to them
hits a repelling wall.

Individuals with weak boundaries, on the other hand, let everything in—a rude
comment by a stranger at the grocery store feels like a devastating event. Overly
influenced by those around them, individuals with weak boundaries have a difficult
time identifying and asserting their needs. They might always feel uncertain and
continuously seek out others’ opinions as a barometer of what they should be feeling. If
your psychological boundaries are too lax, you might be too willing to give up your
position and continuously adjust your views and reactions based on the whims and
desires of others. In essence, you end up leaving yourself out of the interpersonal
equation. The ideal is to have flexible boundaries that can be permeable at times and
at other times, impenetrable. This flexibility will be influenced by what you need and
the context you're dealing with.

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Chapter 11

Where do you think you fall most of the time on the psychological boundary
continuum?

Overly lax Flexible Overly rigid

boundaries boundaries boundaries
_______________________________________________________

Self-assessment Action Step:

Has anyone ever told you that you're too easy, a pushover? If so, describe in detail a
circumstance that reflects this below:

Describe what the downside to being easily manipulated has been in your life:

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What do you think stands in the way of you being more assertive?

When you think of someone being assertive, what (if any) negative thoughts and
associations come to mind? Note, in particular, how these negative associations hold
you back from setting up healthy boundaries.

Can you think of anyone you admire who has healthy boundaries (flexible, depending
on the context) who you can model yourself after? (Think of this person as an
assertiveness mentor.) If appropriate, ask this person to discuss how s/he is able to be
assertive at times (protective), yet still allow others to influence him/her.

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Chapter 12

Chapter 12: Building a collaborative atmosphere of forgiveness

He who cannot forgive others breaks the bridge over which he must pass himself.

~George Herbert

All couples should work toward adopting a collaborative forgiveness mindset. When
you work toward collaborative forgiveness, you strive to create an atmosphere that
acknowledges the importance of WE instead of simply ‘I.’ Building a collaborative
atmosphere of forgiveness is an ongoing, elastic process that allows for mistakes and
errors—it allows two fallible humans to come together and work as a team; it allows
you and your partner to stumble and err as you both attempt to navigate the
complexities and mysteries of an intimate union.

Collaborative forgiveness is a judgment-free atmosphere that still gives you and your
partner permission to challenge one another to be the best partner/spouse/person
possible. Challenging one another when appropriate is very different from criticizing
and judging each other. Challenging occurs within the fabric of support and
connection; criticizing breaks apart the "we" of the relationship and is fueled by a right-
versus-wrong mindset. Criticism places someone into a superior role (the person who
is "right") and the other person then exists in a shame-based, inferior role (the person
who is "wrong").

When your relationship is overwhelmed by criticism, finger-pointing and

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condemnation, the trust and safety that are vital for intimacy will never be realized.
The cancerous growth of criticism is one reason why so many couples drift apart and
fail to maintain the connection essential to a long-term successful relationship.

Openness and Acceptance: Essential ingredients to collaborative

forgiveness.

How do you practice creating an atmosphere of collaborative forgiveness?

To create an atmosphere of collaborative forgiveness, it is your job and responsibility to

monitor your own critical thoughts (and your partner should do the same). The goal is
to become aware of all the ways in which you judge your partner (and others). If your
knee-jerk reaction in reading this is, "Hold on a second, I don't judge him/her!" just
hear me out on this one.

Over the last fifteen years I've had many clients practice thought-monitoring (keeping a
journal of their thoughts throughout the day). This is an effective way to become more
mindful of the subtleties of your experiences. And whenever they give serious attention
toward becoming mindful of their attitudes and thoughts, a large percent of them are
surprised to discover how many critical, judgment-based thoughts are actually a part of
their daily life. Many of these thoughts are fleeting and can be so automatic that you
probably aren't even aware of them.

Even subtle judgments can have a profound, negative impact on you and your
relationship. A mindset consisting of judgment and criticism is the polar opposite of
the acceptance needed for collaborative forgiveness to grow.

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The many faces of a judgmental mindset:

People are always comparing themselves to others. It becomes a habit and is often so
automatic that you might not even be aware you're doing it. However, just because it's
common, doesn't mean it's good for us. Sages through the years have been warning us
that all unhappiness stems from comparing ourselves to others.

Comparing and contrasting yourself to others creates the illusion that you are either
inferior or superior. Often the goal of this type of thinking is self-enhancement, where
you begin to define and feed your sense of self in relationship to other people. This is a
house of cards that will result in your energies being senselessly drained, since you will
need to continuously feed your ego with meaningless comparisons. Depression, envy,
jealousy, hostility, and chronic feelings of dissatisfaction often result from compare and
contrast thinking.

Criticalness: Comparison thinking in disguise

One prominent and overt form of comparison thinking is criticalness. Whenever you
criticize another, you are implying that the other person is wrong and that you would
never behave that way (therefore you are morally superior and a better person for not
behaving in that way). Often the motivation of criticism is an attempt to elevate
yourself above another person—criticism helps you feel different than and distant from
others. Too many people create a hollowed self that forever teeters on a fragile
foundation built on criticisms. Such a foundation needs continual feeding.

Unfortunately, criticalness often becomes a stubborn part of many marriages and

romantic relationships. Marriage researcher John Gottman found that criticalness is
one of the important factors that results in marital dissatisfaction.

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When one partner becomes critical of another, the person who

John Gottman, Ph.D. makes an im- feels under attack creates a protective shield around him/
portant distinction between voicing herself to numb the sting of the critical remarks. This pattern
a complaint and criticism. A com-
of offense/defense can develop into a chronic cycle of criticism
plaint focuses on the behavior or
action you have a problem with. For and defensiveness, leading to the erosion of intimacy and a
instance, "Please don't speak to me failed relationship.
like that!" focuses on what the per-
son is doing that you do not like.
There is a significant difference between disagreeing with your
partner, voicing a legitimate complaint and being critical.
A criticism is directed toward the When you disagree, you are saying that you see things
character to the other person; a form
differently from your partner and that you have different
of character assassination. "You're
just a mean person"; "I can't believe viewpoints about something. When you criticize, you attack
how lazy you are" are examples of your partner's viewpoint and character and take the
criticism. Here you're knocking
comparative stance of being better than him/her.
down the other person, rather than
telling him/her what behaviors you'd
like to see changed.

Self-reflection Action Step

Dr. Gottman states that complaining

has an important role in relation- To become mindful of the role of criticalness in your life and
ships, giving the other person feed- in your relationship, I'd like you to take the following
back about what is and isn't working
challenge:
for you. Criticism, on the other hand,
creates defensiveness that can lead
to problems down the road. Monitor your thinking for one week. Simply be mindful of the
thoughts you are having, especially while interacting with
others. To help you stay on task, it is recommended that you
keep a journal of the thoughts you become aware of.

During this exercise be aware of all comparisons (comparisons are sometimes subtle)
that you make between yourself and others.

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Becoming truly aware of patterns of negative thoughts is the first step in stopping
criticalness from eroding the collaborative forgiveness mindset that is needed in your
relationship. When you begin to recognize the subtle and overt workings of critical-
based thinking, you then have the power to see how this type of thinking blocks
forgiveness.

When you "catch" critical-based thoughts, you can simply remind yourself of the
destructive nature of these thoughts and tell yourself that it's not your job to judge
others or evaluate yourself alongside them—your job is to discover your own inherent
self-worth, which will open you up to peaceful and meaningful relationships with
others.

The role of the ego

One of the most powerful ways to dismantle the ego (the ego stands in the way of the
mutuality needed for collaborative forgiveness), is to acknowledge your own inherent
short-comings.

It may feel odd to read that I'm asking you to recognize your human fallibilities, but
this is an important step in the forgiveness process. Forgiveness can only flourish on an
even playing field—a playing field that consists of two fallible people trying to figure
out how to coexist together in a harmonious, loving way; two fallible people who are
probably underprepared (aren’t we all) for the complexities and challenges of a long-
term relationship. What does the "ego" have to do with any of this?

In today's self-help and spiritual literature, it's common to hear about the evils of the
"ego." The ego is the part of your mind that is seen as the root of selfishness and it is

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the workings of the ego that strive to make you feel superior to others (that feeling that
you're somehow better than your neighbor or the cashier at the supermarket or maybe
even your spouse/partner). The ego feeds an, "I'm right, you're wrong" energy. By the
ego's very nature, it will always fight for top billing and equates the idea of "giving to"
your partner and the relationship with "giving in" or losing. The ego doesn't
understand the concept of self-sacrifice or working toward a
The ego functions by the WIIFM partnership that places the relationship first.
principal: What's In It For Me. The
But whenever you adopt a forgiveness mindset, "giving to"
ego makes decisions based upon
perceived gain. The ego's decision your partner and the relationship becomes the most natural
making process goes something like thing in the world. Your ego (if left to its own devices) will
this: "I'll agree to do it only because I
always feel threatened by this.
will get something out of it."

When you catch yourself reacting

Rather than experience the joys of "giving to" your partner,
from this place, check in with your-
self to clarify what your motivation the ego runs on the treadmill of illusion, seeking areas of the
is. relationship where it can feel in control, elevated and claim
victory. Remember, whenever you criticize another, your mind
is doing battle (a "me" versus "them" mindset is created in
those critical moments). Needing to win or feel in control and better than someone else
is the death-knell to the forgiveness mindset. In marriage, when one person loses, so
does the relationship. As long as the ego feeds a "win-lose," "I'm better than that"
attitude, the playing field will remain unequal and the gifts of forgiveness will never be
realized.

When you and your partner fall back on criticalness (and the workings of the ego),
gently acknowledge this and re-set your course toward the goal of collaborative
forgiveness.

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Chapter 12

Don't make the mistake of thinking that the atmosphere of collaborative forgiveness
gives you a free pass to become lackadaisical about your relationship. In other words,
don't adopt an "I'm fallible so I couldn't help myself" attitude. The foundation of a
shared forgiveness plan needs to be that you will both try your best to be the kind of
spouse/partner the other needs, and that despite these best efforts, mistakes will
inevitably be made (it’s in our job descriptions, remember?). Your partner needs to see
that you are trying your best. This can only work if you both make a commitment to the
relationship and to the effort needed to maintain a healthy relationship. When your
partner sees that you're really trying, s/he will be more likely to meet you with
compassion and forgiveness rather than with criticism and judgment whenever you
falter.

Action step: Deepen the mutual openness needed for forgiveness

The first step is for you and your partner to acknowledge that you are imperfect, fallible
beings who are going to mess up from time to time. Try repeating the following
statement to yourself:

"While I love my partner and will try my best to make him/her happy, I'm an
imperfect human being and I will make mistakes. I ask for forgiveness for the
mistakes I've made and will make in the future."

As you repeat the above statement to yourself, what feelings/reactions are stirred in
you? Describe these below:

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Note any resistance you have to this statement and focus your attention on this
resistance for several minutes (the ego is fighting you here)—bring it into full
awareness and observe the form it takes (e.g., muscular tension in the jaw, shortness of
breath, particular thoughts). Describe this resistance and internal struggle below:

What impact do you think this resistance has on your ability to nurture a forgiveness
mindset?

The Bridge of forgiveness exercise

This next exercise is designed to help you and your spouse/partner foster a
collaborative forgiveness atmosphere in your relationship (it can also help you
overcome any resistances you noted in the above questions).

This exercise will take more time than the others, but it is well worth the effort. To get
the most out of this exercise, it's important to be emotionally present and available for
each other. So if you find that you're preoccupied or distracted with outside stressors, it
is recommended you delay this exercise until you can be fully present.

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Step 1:

Find a quiet place where you and your partner can sit comfortably facing one another.
The distance between you should be minimal (no more than two feet apart)—this will
create a physically intimate space that will help nurture the emotional connection
between you. Sit for a few minutes without speaking or touching. Just absorb each
other's presence and energy. You might feel silly at first sitting and staring at one
another; simply wait out these feelings until you can really focus on one another
without distraction. As you look at your partner, try to see him/her in a new way,
focusing on the details of his/her face, especially the area around the eyes. Try to
sustain silent connection for at least five minutes –this isn't as easy as it may sound, so
be patient with yourself and each other.

The goal is to feel your partner's presence until it feels like nothing else exists in this
moment except the person sitting across from you. Couples often have to practice this
step over a period of time (and many couples report that with practice, they are able to
communicate and feel each other's love and warmth without speaking a word—this is
achieved by creating a protective orbit around one another where it is safe to be fully
present).

Step 2:

After taking in and connecting with your partner visually, place your hand on your
partner's chest, over his/her heart (take turns with this step). Simply rest your hand
over his/her heart and notice the rhythms of his/her heart. As you do this, begin to
focus intently on your partner's heartbeat and concentrate on the life-energy radiating
from this part of his/her body.

Sit silently as you feel the rhythms of his/her heart—be mindful that what you are

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feeling is what gives your spouse/partner life. Send energy of gratitude from your heart
and down your arm to your partner's heart, acknowledging how these heart rhythms
allow for the life and relationship you cherish. Stay present with this gratitude for a few
moments.

After time passes, turn your attention to the beating sensations radiating from your
hand, up your arm and throughout your body. Take your time as your partner's life-
beats enter deeper and deeper into your body. Allow his/her heartbeat to become your
own. Feel your rhythms slowly synchronize with your spouse/partner's rhythms. (Some
couples report that it is helpful to close their eyes at this point in order to heighten
their sense of touch—you can practice with your eyes open or closed to see which works
best for you.)

As you "take in" your partner in this way, you might find that you lose yourself in the
process—it's as if you become enfolded into your partner's life energy. Some couples
reach this emotionally and physiologically joined state quicker than others—many have
to repeat this exercise several times to allow for this in-depth connection to form.
Again, don't rush the process. Every person and every couple is different—honor the
journey.

Try to sustain this physical connection for ten to fifteen minutes. You may need to find
a comfortable position to sustain this type of physical connection—for instance, you
can alternate between one person lying down while the other person sits next to his/
her partner. This position allows the person sitting to relax his/her hand on the chest of
the person lying down.

Step 3:

(Note: Many couples report that they enjoy practicing steps 1 and 2, and gain a great

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Chapter 12

deal out of this exercise. Common feedback I receive is that these first two steps can
exist as their own intimacy-building exercise, without the addition of step 3. Step 3
adds the forgiveness piece, which is the topic of this e-book. It's up to you whether you
want to use steps 1 and 2 as a stand-alone exercise or add step 3.)

At this point you and your spouse/partner should feel a deep connection, existing in a
protective orbit of intimacy. In this place of connection, sustain eye contact with your
spouse/partner, and with your hand over his/her heart, say:

"I love you and never want to hurt you. But I'm fallible and will make mistakes that
may hurt you. I'm sorry for this and I hope you'll be able to accept and forgive me."

Repeat this message several times, until you "feel" it. After giving your partner this
message, both of you should remain quiet and allow this message to exist in the
protective psychological space you've both created (in the intimacy orbit). You can
repeat this message more than once as you look into your partner's eyes. After several
minutes have passed, your spouse/partner should slowly repeat the same message to
you while maintaining eye contact.

Exercise Debriefing:

After completing the exercise, you and your partner can share what the experience was
like with one another. What in particular made you feel closer to him/her? What did it
feel like to ask for forgiveness in this way? Were you able to open yourself up to the
possibility of forgiving your partner for future missteps? What was this like for you?

The discussion that follows this exercise should be one that supports each others’
attempts to create a collaborative forgiveness mindset in your relationship. If, for some
reason, you find yourself feeling defensive or emotionally shut down because of this

Page 143

exercise, it will be important for you to try to understand your reaction. What do you
think is the source of this defensiveness? What do you need (from yourself and your
partner) to let go of your defensiveness in these moments?

Repeat this exercise from time to time (some couples have made this exercise a regular
part of their relationship routines and describe that each time they complete it, they get
something new from the experience). You may find that you alter the exercise slightly
in an effort to personalize it to your marriage/relationship. I encourage you to make it
your own.

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Chapter 13

Chapter 13: The Role of Acceptance in Forgiveness

It is not our differences that divide us. It is our inability to recognize, accept, and
celebrate those differences.

~Audre Lorde

In the beginning there were similarities…

Early in your relationship, you and your partner probably rejoiced when you
discovered shared interests: "I can't believe you like foreign films too--it was such a
downer that my last boyfriend said he shouldn't have to read his movies!" And when
gaping differences happened to peek through (you’re a devout meat eater and he's a
strict vegetarian), you abandoned your previous convictions with glee ("I can't believe
you're a vegetarian. I've been thinking of giving up meat for the last thirteen years but
it never seemed like a good time--until now!")

Love propels you to create similarities where none exist.

Intimacy (the emotional, physical and, for some, spiritual connection couples share) is
effortless when relationships are new. You feel like you can talk for hours, you
experience intense passion, and you want to spend all your free time together.

And as the relationship progresses, you may find yourself minimizing the fact that your

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once-communicative partner now prefers television to talking or that the frequency of

lovemaking continues to decline.

And then there were differences…

If you and your partner have been in the relationship for more than two years, you've
come to realize that there are differences between the two of you. Since you're human
beings (and, like snowflakes, no two are alike), there's no way around that fact.
However, you can be different and still be compatible. Hopefully, you and your partner
are compatible in the areas that matter to you both--core values and life goals.

The good news is that certain differences can actually be beneficial. For instance,
what's difficult for you might come easy to your partner--her/his personality
complements yours: she's talkative/you're quiet; you're playful/he's serious; she's a
saver/you're a spender; you're shy/he's outgoing; you're nervous/she's calm…

Unfortunately, differences can also fan the flames of conflict. For instance, the
quietness you once described as "charming" can someday frustrate you to no end--
especially when it takes all your emotional energy just to get your partner to have a
conversation.

The importance of accepting differences

Couples often enter counseling with a long wish-list detailing why and how the other
person should change. These may seem like reasonable requests, but often real change
doesn't happen because the couple is attempting to close the gap on the inherent
differences that define each person--differences that were not obvious or that they

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Chapter 13

overlooked early in the relationship. Such futile efforts (trying to change the
unchangeable) merely work to build resentments and break apart intimacy.

An alternative solution is to work toward accepting the differences that exist and using
these differences for the benefit of your relationship. The art of acceptance is essential
for a healthy relationship. Acceptance should be an essential part of your relationship
toolbox, along with your (and your partner's) willingness to compromise, negotiate and
forgive.

The payoff to the road of acceptance is a stronger, more fulfilling relationship.

5 Points to remember about acceptance:

1. The most important step is to cultivate a mindset of openness. You cannot move
forward unless you make a daily, conscious effort to open your heart to all of your
partner--even the parts of him/her that you wish didn't exist. (Revisit the section on
criticalness and how the ego stands in the way of you and your spouse/partner
achieving authentic contact.)

2. Just as differences between individuals abound, there are varied pathways to

intimacy. Differences between how you and your partner achieve intimacy are just that,
differences. They do not imply right versus wrong--so suspend your judgment. An
ongoing goal for you and your spouse/partner (and for all couples) should be to
identify the different ways in which you end up feeling connected to one another.

3. Acceptance is not submissive complacency. In essence, you are allowing yourself to

co-exist peacefully with all that you cannot control in your relationship.

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4. Working toward acceptance doesn't mean you have to blindly accept everything
about your partner that you find troubling and never challenge your partner to
improve. Relationships are about compromise and change. If there is something your
partner can change that would improve the relationship (i.e., quitting smoking), you
should encourage that.

5. Acceptance and appreciation go hand-in-hand. When you begin to accept all the
different ways in which you and your partner experience and express love, you have
taken the vital step toward appreciating your partner's uniqueness.

Like forgiveness, creating a mindset of acceptance is a process with starts and stops.
The solution to moving forward is to become mindful each time you fall into a
judgmental mindset. With practice, you will embrace the inherent differences that
make you and your partner unique.

The assumption in this module is

that your relationship isn't abusive. Acceptance Action Step:
You should never accept or tolerate
abusive behavior of any kind.
Make a list of the most difficult and easiest things about your
partner for you to accept:

Most Difficult to Accept Easiest to Accept

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Chapter 13

What themes can you see in each list? (For example, all the items on the "difficult to
accept" list might be related to your partner's lack of motivation and follow through.)
How would you describe the differences between these two lists?

Why do you think you have such a difficult time accepting the above traits/behavior in
your partner?

Do these "difficult to accept" behaviors resemble behaviors or traits from someone in

your childhood? Give this question the time it deserves. (For instance, when your
partner acts helpless that may trigger strong feelings in you because it reminds you of

Page 149

how helpless your mother seemed in her marriage.)

Is it possible that some of your partner's unacceptable traits actually remind you of the
parts of yourself you dislike most? (Suspend your knee-jerk reaction to reject this
question outright. The truth is that we often have a difficult time with people who
exhibit traits that we wish we didn't possess.)

The challenge is for you to effectively use the information from your answers above to
become a more accepting, forgiving spouse/partner. Such change can only come from
you—so don't wait around for your partner to change. Revisit your responses often as
you internalize the information in a way that will build your forgiveness mindset.
Remember that the differences between you and your spouse/partner were probably
something you experienced as desirable when you first met.

To help clarify this, reflect on the following question:

In what way does your struggle to accept ___________________ about your

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Chapter 13

partner reflect your own internal conflicts?

Forgiveness, acceptance and giving your partner the benefit of the doubt are all related
leaps of faith. You don’t necessarily know the outcome, but you decide to take the
chance anyway—because you're putting your marriage or relationship first, above each
other's individual needs. To help you make this altruistic leap of faith for the
relationship, remember that forgiveness brings with it numerous benefits. Forgiveness
isn’t just good for the recipient...it’s even better for the one who forgives, since it
promotes a peaceful state of mind.

Be generous with your forgiveness for others’ mistakes that don’t take a piece out of
you, that don’t compromise your health and physical/emotional well-being, that don’t
compromise your safety and the connection you make with others. The battered wife
who takes back the battering husband is not practicing forgiveness: True forgiveness is
carried out between equals, not in a situation where one is victimized and then chooses
to ignore the victimization. That scenario sees the wife as not valuing herself and is
only dangerous, unhealthy, toxic and all too often, deadly.

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Chapter 14: When the unthinkable happens: Healing from an affair

If one dream should fall and break into a thousand pieces, never be afraid to pick one
of those pieces up and begin again.

~Flavia Weedn

Surviving an affair is obviously one of the worst, most painful experiences that can
happen to the betrayed person. While the ideas and principles described throughout
this module are applicable to handling the devastating betrayal of infidelity, clearly
couples trying to work through such a monumental event need additional help and
support. If you have suffered this kind of pain or you and your partner are trying to
salvage the relationship in the aftermath of an affair, I strongly recommend that you
enter couples counseling with a therapist who has experience in this area.

Clearly forgiveness is needed for a marriage or relationship to survive an affair. But

much more is also needed. The painful process of exploring the reasons for the affair is
often needed to begin the healing journey, while also safeguarding the relationship
against future infidelities. Anger, accusation and a whole range of accompanying,
intense feelings need to be worked through in a safe environment that allows for
understanding, reconciliation and healing. This is a slow process and sometimes the
post-affair reactions of both parties are so overwhelming that the relationship remains
unsalvageable. But the good news is that there are many couples who work through the
pain and upheaval of an affair.

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Chapter 14

There are five points you need to try to hold onto if you and your spouse/partner are
attempting to heal from an affair:

Point #1:

The stable, familiar relationship that you once relied upon can feel totally lost. Couples
dealing with the fallout of an affair feel disoriented—the person you once thought you
knew may have been covering up a secret life, pretending that everything was OK
between you. Once the affair is revealed, it can feel like you're living with a stranger.
This new knowledge can be devastating. You may begin to doubt yourself in other areas
of your life. Depression and anxiety may now be a daily struggle as you try to make
sense of what happened.

It's important to remember that your uncertainty and self-doubt are normal reactions
to a devastating event. You may be in shock and it can feel like you now exist in a
surreal nightmare. With time, these painful feelings will lessen. While it can be very
difficult to believe this when your world is turned upside down, the truth is many
people have experienced the devastation of an affair and have survived. To help you
hold onto this hopeful message, you can write it down and read it each day: "With time
and support, I will begin to feel OK and my life will feel normal again."

Point #2:

Trust is shattered when one partner cheats on another. Much of the post-affair healing
that needs to occur centers around the re-establishment of trust and feelings of safety.
Try not to think of trust as an all-or-none experience. Instead, think of trust as running

Page 153

along a continuum. With this in mind, compare your level of trust for your partner
before the affair with how you feel now. There’s probably a massive divide between
these levels of trust, causing you to feel stuck, confused and uncertain. To help
determine whether your trust for your partner is increasing, think about how you felt
when you first learned about his/her affair and rate this on a scale from 0 to 10 (10 =
your highest level of trust; 0 = absolutely no trust). Your score is probably very low.
What rating would you give six months after the affair? And now, one year later?

If you notice even small increases in trust (an increase in 1 point or even a half point),
then your relationship is moving in the right direction. Healing from an affair is a
difficult process that occurs in small increments. You will both need to be patient and
your patience will be tested again and again. This is to be expected.

Point #3:

An affair is an enormous betrayal that can take years to overcome. Don’t place an
artificial time-line on this process. This will only add to your frustration and you’ll
begin to think that there is something wrong with you for not trusting quickly enough.
You might be surprised to discover that it is not uncommon for the person who actually
cheated to begin pressuring his/her partner to "get over" the affair. The hypocrisy and
unfairness of this "would-you-please-get-over-it-already" stance cannot be overstated.

What motivates the person who cheated to become frustrated with his/her partner's
need for an undesignated length of time in order to heal? A big one is guilt—guilt over
seeing someone you love suffer every day because of something you did. The
perpetrator of the affair feels helpless and tortured and men feel particularly tortured
because they are used to feeling in control and feel most at home functioning in “fix-it”
or “problem-solving” mode. Now their job is to be patient and tolerate the mess they

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Chapter 14

created. This becomes so difficult for some men that they opt out of the relationship
rather than having to endure what feels like a marathon of helpless guilt and suffering.
The person who had the affair needs to learn how to tolerate his/her feelings of guilt
and shame in order to create the healing space needed for the relationship.

Point #4:

It is absolutely normal for you to be highly vigilant of your partner's behavior after such
a betrayal. Without even realizing it, you might be continuously scanning for
contradictions, inconsistencies or any indication of deceitfulness. While such
monitoring can be exhausting and can make you feel crazy at times, it does not mean
you’re going crazy. Your hyper-vigilance is an indication that you’ve been severely
injured and are fearful that you will be hurt again.

It’s easy to feel angry and ashamed of your post-affair behavior; for instance, one client
recently reported that she hated feeling insecure and always checking her husband's
cell phone log. She stated, "I don't like it that I question everything! I'm not the
suspicious type, but now I can't help it. I even go through his wallet when he's in the
shower." Such behavior can conflict with your ideals and values and lead you to feel
disappointed and/or angry with yourself. Again, I want to stress that these new
behaviors are temporary: This is a normal way of adapting to an abnormal set of
circumstances (the infidelity).

Point #5:

Is your partner being trustworthy? While there are many reasons why someone is
unfaithful, it’s important to remember that it is the person’s job who has cheated to

Page 155

regain your trust. Whether this takes one, five, or fifty years, s/he needs to prove that
s/he is committed to you and only you. To this end, it is important that you openly
communicate what you need from him/her in order to re-establish the trust that’s so
vital to intimacy.

Ask yourself: “What do I need from my partner in order to trust again?” You may find
that you require practical assurances (e.g., seeing his phone log every day, having her
call you three times each day from work) and/or emotional assurances (e.g., having
your partner communicate his/her feelings more directly, hearing repeated
reassurances that s/he loves you).

Once an affair has occurred, it clearly isn't business as usual. Change needs to occur
and you both may need to figure out what changes will be required for healing to take
place. These changes need to encourage open communication so that trust can slowly
be restored.

Remember, an affair is one of the most devastating events that can happen to a
relationship. Anger, despair and a loss of trust are just some of the reactions that result
from such a betrayal, and because of the intensity and disruptive, life-altering impact of
an affair, seeking professional help is highly recommended to help you get your
marriage/relationship back on the road to healing. You may also need extra support
from family and friends. The problem is that many who struggle with the fallout of an
affair feel such shame and embarrassment that they decide to hide what happened. It's
a very personal decision that only you can make. While grappling with the decision
about who to share this painful event with, think about why you are either choosing to
share or not. While you can never totally predict how others are going to respond, the
goal in sharing should be for you to get the extra support needed during these difficult
times.

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Chapter 14

Trust and the ability to forgive will take time and there may be many false starts—just
when it feels like things are getting back to normal and you're beginning to experience
the possibility of forgiving your spouse/partner, some small disagreement between the
two of you may set the healing process back several steps. Many of the self-refection
action-step questions throughout this module can help you figure out what you'll need
in order to start your journey of healing—in my work with couples who are struggling
to heal from an affair the issue of forgiveness must take center stage at some point in
the journey. Again, the process of forgiveness cannot be rushed, but it should remain
one possible option as you attempt to regain your emotional footing.

Over the last two decades there have been many good books written about how to cope
with the pain and move past the fallout that follows an affair. Forgiveness is clearly one
part of the healing that will need to occur. But this serious forgiveness challenge needs
to occur within the larger context of finding out the circumstances surrounding the
affair. This is usually done with a professional who is experienced working with a post-
affair relationship. If this painful issue is something that you and your spouse/partner
are trying to deal with, I do believe the information in the module can be helpful at
some point in your healing process. I'd like to stress that the practice of forgiveness
needs to be a part of every marriage and relationship, even if you and your spouse/
partner have a strong partnership and infidelity isn't an issue in your relationship.

Page 157

Chapter 15: Forgiveness Sentence Completion Assessment, Revisited

Without forgiveness, life is governed by an endless cycle of resentment and

retaliation.

~Roberto Assagioli

You encountered the sentence completion exercise below early on in this workbook. It’s
time to reassess your thoughts about forgiveness, since they may have undergone a
change since you first began reading and reflecting on the art of forgiveness. You can
compare your answers now to your earlier answers; some of your answers may have
changed, indicating a shift in your forgiveness perspective. However, if your answers
are the same, that may be an indication that you already held a pro-forgiveness
mindset when you began the module, and hopefully the work you have done in these
pages has brought that more to the forefront of your mind and reinforced your
forgiveness foundation. If it still feels like you’re struggling to adopt a pro-forgiveness
mindset, you will need to revisit this module until you are able to internalize the
forgiveness attitude you desire.

Complete the sentences below, and be sure to write what immediately comes to mind
without censoring yourself.

1. In my life, forgiveness has always been___________________________

_______________________________________________________

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Chapter 15

2. To forgive is to___________________________________________

3. The up-side to forgiving someone is_____________________________

_______________________________________________________

4. I can only forgive if the person I'm forgiving _______________________

_______________________________________________________

5. For me to forgive my spouse/partner, s/he would need to ______________

_______________________________________________________

6. The down-side to forgiveness is________________________________

_______________________________________________________

7. When someone has forgiven me, I______________________________

_______________________________________________________

8. The most difficult part of forgiving someone is _____________________

_______________________________________________________

9. When I've forgiven my spouse/partner in the past, s/he _______________

_______________________________________________________

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10. When my partner/spouse has forgiven me, I ______________________

_______________________________________________________

Feel free to add any other thoughts or ideas about forgiveness that feel important to
you after your journey through this workbook (for instance, you might list the points/
ideas that had the biggest impact on you, or that you feel are most relevant to your
marriage/relationship):

Now it’s time to look back on your answers and get a sense of whether your forgiveness
mindset has changed over the course of this workbook. Keep in mind that no matter
where you are now, you can always work on raising your pro-forgiveness attitude
through repeating the exercises in this workbook. Achieving a forgiveness mindset is a
process, not something you stumble upon once along the way.

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Chapter 16

Chapter 16: Concluding Remarks

Congratulations on finishing the forgiveness module of the Healthy Relationship

Program! You've really given yourself an extensive forgiveness workout. As with any
new information, the goal and challenge is to incorporate the information into your life
in a way that will be meaningful and make a positive difference.

All too often people read self-help material that simply gets forgotten (we've all been
there and done that). My hope is that you will allow the information in this workbook
to touch your life and change your relationship. The question is how to do this. There
isn't an easy answer to this question: sometimes information sticks and sometimes it
doesn't. We covered a great deal of information about forgiveness, self-acceptance and
self-forgiveness. I believe it will be helpful to revisit the exercises in the workbook
throughout the life of your marriage or relationship. As you already know, a workbook
must be worked so that real, lasting change can occur. Here are some suggestions that
others have found helpful in integrating the Healthy Relationship Program into their
lives:

~Write things down so that you have constant reminders of the points you'd like to
hold onto.

~Talk about the information with others (find out their opinions about forgiveness;
what has worked for them, what hasn’t). This will help you process the material at a
deeper level.

Page 161

~Don't wait for your spouse/partner to join you in improving the relationship. You
have the power to improve the quality of your life and your relationship.

~Keep it simple: A lot of information was covered in this module. Pick one or two
topics or issues to work on and work them for an extended period of time. When you’re
comfortable with those topics, move onto some new ones.

~Persistence is key! It's totally normal to work on something and then get away from it.
You always have to option to come back to the information at different times in your
life.

~Learn to listen to your intuition and heart. In other words, work toward processing
the information with your mind/intellect, but more importantly, allow the information
to touch your heart and soul. Feel the information.

~As you re-read the information and work through the exercises, listen to what speaks
to you. You don't have to grasp everything that was covered in this (or any) workbook.
That probably won't happen and you shouldn't place that kind of pressure on yourself.
Be open to all the information and listen to what moves you the most—whatever moves
you should be given special attention. Nurture and embrace anything that touches you.

I want to thank you for trusting me and for joining me in looking at the role of
forgiveness in your marriage or relationship. By reading this, you have allowed me into
your life, and I feel honored and grateful. I wish you and your partner a deep,
meaningful connection with the special gifts that forgiveness can bring to your life.

With appreciation,

Rich Nicastro, Ph.D.

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About Dr. Richard Nicastro:

Richard Nicastro holds a Ph.D. in psychology and is a relationship and intimacy coach.
Over the past fifteen years he has helped hundreds of couples build stronger, more
fulfilling relationships. Dr. Nicastro has lectured at several universities and now
conducts workshops for couples on a wide range of issues. His relationship advice has
appeared on television, radio and in national magazines.

A member of the International Coach Federation, Dr. Nicastro is passionate about

coaching and believes that healthy relationships can add meaning and fulfillment to
our lives. His goal is to guide individuals and couples as they implement the skills that
will allow their relationships to flourish.

Dr. Nicastro has developed the Healthy Relationship Program, a comprehensive

workbook series designed for individuals and couples eager to acquire the essential
relationship tools needed to create a meaningful, lasting union.

You can reach Dr. Nicastro through his website:

www.StrengthenYourRelationship.com

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