Love bonds

Fina Sanz

The author is a psychotherapist, sexologist, and educator, as well as the founder of the Institute of Reunion Therapy.

Valencia. She is also a co-founder of the Association of Women for Health and Peace, and of the Sexological Society of

Valencian Country. Fina works in Spain and Latin America. She has been a trainer of trainers and works with groups of

women, groups of men and mixed groups. She has published "Female and Male Psychoerotism", and "The Bonds"

"loving" (both in the Kairos publishing house). This article was originally included in the journal Archives

Hispano-Americans of Sexology, Vol. V, No. 1, 1999, published by the Mexican Institute of Sexology, the Society

Mexican Association of Psychology, A.C. and the Faculty of Psychology of UNAM, Mexico.

All people need to love, be loved, feel and express our loving capacity.

to connect, to feel connection with people and things, and recognition.

Love is a vital experience of the human being, existential, that is experienced as something transcendent.

that seems to encompass beyond the limits of the concrete and connect us with the cosmos.

We live that experience when we feel a deep connection -which we call loving- with the

humanity, with friends, when we listen to music, contemplate a flower, look at our

son/ we feel the closeness of our beloved.

The experience of love takes many forms and manifests as a set of experiences in which

they interact the feeling, the thinking and the acting. But while the love experience is universal, the way

The way the loving bond is structured and manifested is strongly determined by social factors. Each

culture, each society, each historical period sets behavioral patterns. In that sense

our Western and patriarchal society has its own as well. Each society educates according to certain

values that in turn reproduce and maintain the established social order, and that process of socialization is

effective because the internalization of these values is fundamentally unconscious, emotional, and sensitive,

establishing during the early years of life and maintaining itself throughout this by the influence of the

different socializing agents, although they may be nuanced by others that from a rational dimension

person acquires throughout their life.

What we call 'love' in our society, which forms the basis of the relationship structure, is a key

to understand many of the intrapsychic and relational conflicts, and to understand how they develop

processes of oppression or personal freedom. How we position ourselves in the loving process and how we structure

the bond is largely determined by the social.

Men and women have learned to love in different ways, because we belong to two subcultures.

masculine and feminine, with different values, roles, and attitudes, dichotomized and split, which makes it difficult

our communication and generates psychological, sexual, and even physical conflicts, despite the fact that both of us,

women and men seek the same thing from different paths without understanding or comprehending where

we walk.

Through therapeutic and sexual work, I accompany people in becoming aware of what

At the moment, they are considering where they want to go next, what they have learned that works well for them, and what helps in their development.

What things do they want to change in their life? But therapeutic work is a repair work of the damage, of the pain,

from the misunderstanding of the processes, which makes little sense if at the same time there is no work done on prevention

the conflicts, of changes in attitudes, values, roles, that is, if the structure of the

social relations that generate conflicts.

As I already explained in the book 'Female and Male Psychoerotism' (Sanz, F., 1992, 2nd ed.), the split of the

pairs of opposites (female and male), if not integrated, generates as two dissociated worlds

that encompass not only the erotic area - psychoeroticism, the subjective experience of pleasure - unfolded into the

globality and in genitality, but it is something broader that encompasses a way of expressing oneself, of thinking,

a more circular or linear worldview (Sanz, F., 1993, Female and male psychoeroticism: The

integration from the perspective of the Reunion.

This division that occurs can also be observed in the topic of love and relationships. On one hand,

there are similarities in men and women because the processes involved in relationships have within them

the same internal dynamics; for example, every romantic/affective breakup involves a farewell, a mourning

What to do; in every process of seduction there is an attraction. But how we position ourselves in that process and
how we manage it is greatly influenced not only by our own personal history but also by the

belonging to the female or male subculture, or the incorporation of gender socialized values.

Although the differences between men and women are evident in different areas - the way of seducing, what

aspects seduce us, in the availability for falling in love and commitment, in breakups

romantic, in the life scripts...- I am going to highlight some concepts that I find fundamental and that

they allow the understanding of many other distinguishing aspects: fusion (F) and separation (S).

Women learn to love for (and from) fusion and men for (and from) separation.

Fusion (F) and separation (S) are two concepts that help to understand many other aspects that

they intervene in the love process: personal space (PS), distance, falling in love, fear of

commitment, the life script, etc.

These two concepts express two ways of perceiving the emotional/romantic relationship and positioning oneself within it;

they also express two experiences that can be experienced specifically and during times

determined. They are two experiences of pleasure that, however, can become painful when

they are split instead of being integrated.

The fusion experience (F) is experienced through physical or symbolic union. When there is contact in that...

trusted delivery to the beloved and the person feels welcomed, this produces immense pleasure, well-being and

feeling of completeness, then, a certain loss of bodily boundaries occurs, of dissolution of the

me and loss of identity.

Many of our behaviors throughout our evolutionary process seem to seek, among

other things, that desire for fusion that surely dates back to the intrauterine experience of union

with the mother. A kiss, a hug, a caress, a look of acceptance can also respond to the

desire for fusion. And that subtle link of union or contact can be experienced with people, and also with the

animals or with nature.

The experience of separation (S) is felt as the opposite: it is the sensation of individuality, of

contact with the self; the boundary, the difference with the other.

It could be said that if in the F there is no distance -filling with what is loved-, in the S the distance is marked to

to be able to contact oneself.

Although a physical separation occurs at birth, there is not yet a consciousness of selfhood, for

Thus, what we call living the separation (S) is a psychic process of constructing one's own identity.

that is acquired later.

These processes, F and S, complement, interact, and balance each other, favoring each one its opposite.

Let's imagine a very intimate, deep hug, with a total commitment from both parties (F). When that desire

is satisfied, the person feels nourished and can separate, say goodbye, connect with themselves to

integrate the experience of well-being that he has had and that allows him to also feel pleasure in his own

body, in solitude (S). But what would happen if the person wishes to embrace and never succeeds, or even though

hug, the other person is not truly committed? By not satisfying that need, the person is left

permanently deprived, unable to establish the contact it needs and therefore unable to be

neither well with herself because she cannot fulfill that need.

Both experiences, F and S, are fundamental to the psychological balance of human beings. The F produces

a sense of belonging, of being part of something, creates a feeling of protection, of security.

produces a sense of autonomy and the pleasure of knowing one's own limits.

This can be seen throughout the evolutionary process, at every moment - e.g.: girls and boys hold on to each other.

the hand of the adult person, but at other times they want to let go. That hand contact can be

vivid as a protector when desired, or as an oppressor when not allowed to unleash; on the other hand, the

the feeling of autonomy and freedom experienced when letting go of the hand could be lived

negatively like abandonment if it went beyond one's own need at a specific moment.

Throughout our lives, those processes (F/S) occur in time sequences (F..S..F..S). Childhood

it is a more fusion period than adolescence, which is a period where there is a lot of need for

to experience separation, the search for one's own identity. But in each period, at each moment, one

and at the same time both processes: so that the child needs to be able to experience individually.

to continue advancing, and for the adolescent to feel well welcomed, accepted in order to be able to separate.

In another context, we could also say that falling in love is a very fusion-like period, and after that

idealized infatuation highlights the differences and reconnects with oneself.

This individual rhythm is practically unknown to us, which is why we do not understand it at a level

relational.

Many of our fears of loving are related to those two concepts. In the fear of

entrapment, to self-cancellation, there is a fear of the F; on the contrary, in the fear of loneliness -in the

sense of contact with oneself, there is more to it than that.

Returning to what I mentioned at the beginning of this article: women are taught to love for fusion and to

the males for separation, which is respectively identified with the feminine and the polarized masculine.

The woman learns as an important value of the female role to take care, to give of herself to others, to be selfless. It is

as if she lacked her own personal space with inherent value, or as if her value were

in relation to the recognition of the other, which would thus fill its emptiness or lack of worth. It is internalized the

social devaluation of women in a devaluation of themselves or lack of self-esteem. It is interesting

highlight the fact that in any self-awareness group for women, regardless of

professional recognition that they have and their economic autonomy, one of the topics that is being worked on

Systematically, it is self-esteem. Although job recognition has gained importance in the

recovery of the social space of women, possibly what remains in the foreground is the

Importance of bonds: to love and be loved is something fundamental in the lives of women.

One of the examples of fusion can be observed in the ending of stories that are traditionally

"for girls" and which are internalized as a script or life project. The "And they got married and lived happily ever after"

always..." constitutes the end of the story. The fantasy is that many things can happen to get there.

Before (it is the story where a series of emotions, conflicts, etc. unfold) but finally the

the protagonist thanks to the roles they play receives the prize of being loved. It is the fantasy of fusion:

it will remain this way forever, in an unmovable state of joint happiness.

Those "feminine values" are reproduced in photo novels, soap operas or magazines called "of the heart".

that maintain tension and attention in the world of everyday life feelings

infatuations, heartbreaks, structure of emotional bonds, dynamics of these, breakups... with fantasy

of the happy ending (F).

On the contrary, the tales and stories traditionally dedicated to developing "masculine values"

they revolve around solitary heroes whose goal in life is the task or work they have to carry out. In

The stories for girls have as a fundamental theme the bond with other people and especially with the

possible romantic partner; in stories for kids, the important thing is the task, to defeat the enemy, to defend oneself

from others. Eventually, some travel companions or colleagues may appear; it may even appear and

to accompany some woman, but really the romantic bond is not established with the partner, but with the task

where it should: defend against, kill, protect...

One of the feminine erotic elements is the 'I love you' and the happy ending (F). In the case of values

for males, the exciting thing is the fight, the battle. That is where the differentiation with the other is clearly marked.

The important thing is the adventure, where one connects with personal risk in the struggle against others.

Superman, the masked warrior or the comics of supermen have focused all their interest on their

important task. Whether it be prototypes of tough men - 'Rambo', Agent 007 - or more vulnerable ones - 'The...

"Fugitive" - those male characters are focused on adventure, on the continuation of the

the same, and not in the happy ending with the loving fusion, which could imply the end of the conflicts.

It could be said that this polarization between the masculine and the feminine that I am referring to is currently not

so drastic. Currently, there is greater mobility of roles. As a result of all the movement of women, there has been

reconsidered the structure of roles, as well as from some sectors of men who seek to position themselves as

men based on new parameters of their masculinity. We find men who are developing

and integrating "feminine values" - tenderness, vulnerability, the importance of listening and the world of

feelings-, and women who develop the 'masculine', importance of social recognition and

professional, the hardness or the aggressiveness. But while it is true that apparently things are

changing, one thing is the appearance, what is shown, the superficial, and another is that beyond the forms

apparent values and traditional roles continue to be transmitted, deeply and subtly, and these work

as a social mandate.

Nowadays, women - teenagers, young - have more sexual initiative, a greater number of relationships.

sexual relationships that years ago. But we might ask ourselves, do they maintain the relationships they desire or under new ones?
What ways do they return to doing what they think the man expects from them to be loved and considered? What about the type

Does sexual approach respond to female or male eroticism? (Sanz, F. 1991).

Let's look at an example of how children are educated in values so that they reproduce roles.

determined. Let's look at a toy store: girls are given, among other things, toys aimed at

they assume their nurturing role of caring for others: dolls that cry, pee, and talk

“Mom, I love you very much”-, little cooks, etc.; with what is symbolically structuring the loving bond,

this is how they learn to dedicate their time, their work, their life to others. Girls can imagine being

dear ones because they care, nurture and give themselves to others. Or because they identify with dolls.

models, beautiful and wearing gorgeous outfits, can be objects of desire.

In the case of the boys, there is a whole arsenal of sophisticated killing weapons, supermen with whom

identify themselves and a whole range of enemies with whom to wage war. When not, the bond is

establishes with non-human beings - monsters, robots - or objects - cars, cranes, airplanes. The computer is a

of the new machines with which they are currently linked and that facilitate through video games in

In some cases, the reproduction of masculine values.

These behaviors, attitudes, and values that we learn from an early age tend to constitute

Throughout our lives, an emotional script or life project develops, forming emotional bonds and a

ways to position oneself in relationships. The life script from childhood constitutes a 'programming'; it is as if

we would have learned to play a role and to relate to each other as on a stage where each

the character has its role and we have ours.

We imagined in our childhood the loving bond that our mother and father have, just like the

the relationship they maintain with us. These relationships shape in our imagination the first

love bonds. Subsequently, that loving/affectionate impulse is also directed towards other people or

objects with whom we establish new emotional bonds. According to the identifications we make and

In our stories and preferred behavioral models, we believe we must be brave, submissive,
playful, distrustful, etc., fantasizing that in this way we will be loved just like those

characters.

When we do not perceive ourselves from our multiplicity of aspects and reproduce stagnant roles, these

they become a rigid armor from which we cannot escape. We believe that is what is expected

our behavior and we act unconsciously based on it instead of acting from

our own consciousness, from our criteria, regardless of whether our response is liked or not. When

we start from contact with ourselves, we take ourselves into account, there is personal respect; when

No, we value ourselves based on pleasing the other.

This generates not only personal problems but a subtle game of emotional blackmail in the relationships.

that, in some way, the people involved know that structure of roles and know how to influence it

another remaining "hooked" both.

In clinical consultation - psychotherapy, sexology - and in groups, we can realize how we have

learned to love, to connect; what we have learned works well in our lives and what we want to change

from our script. It is a process of becoming aware of what we learned emotionally through

of verbal, bodily messages, even before speaking and of course before developing our

rational thought. That which we incorporate from family, school, and social agents. The

The psychotherapeutic process is the look at the present seeking the roots of the past in order to...

a time to say goodbye to what was and to be able to build new models of life and relationships between the

people.

But little is achieved if at the same time those socializing agents continue, developing models of relationship.

dependent and oppressive. Learning to love, to connect from individual autonomy is the challenge that I believe

that we have to address as health and education professionals, but also as people who

we want to rethink another way of loving from our own lives.

Bibliography

Sanz, F. (1995). The Loving Bonds. Loving from Identity in Encounter Therapy. Barcelona

Kairos.

Female and Male Psychoerotism. For Pleasurable Relationships

autonomous and fair. Barcelona, Kairós.

Female and Male Psychoerotism: Integration from the Perspective of the Reunion

C. Caruncho and P. Mayobre (Coord.) The challenge of the present: Feminism, Ecology, Pacifism (pp. 43-53).

University of Vigo. Faculty of Humanities Ourense.