Learning Anorak... deified?!?!

I had to chortle. I have a Google alert set to look for references to Learning Anorak (well, I can't have you lot talking behind my back, now, can I?). Recently, this returned a reference to this post about Warhammer.

It seems the god of learning in this fantasy world is called Anorak, and it was he (he?) who taught the humans magic. Sadly, he was killed using the very magic that he had taught these ungrateful wretches.

But how deliciously ironic!

I only wish that there had been a picture to share with you. Failing that, you'll have to settle for my picture, as the living learning anorak ;o)

Goodbye butts in chairs...

How did I ever miss this? Thanks to Harold Jarche for the pointer (on Facebook).

Friday humour... or not!

A Facebook friend posted a list of questions which had been submitted to a South African tourist website. They exemplify the sort of misconceptions about the country which causes untold frustration and/or much hilarity to its natives. On the other hand, some of these questions seem to me to be perfectly reasonable - and finding them laughable demonstrates a lack of insight into the perspective of the person posing the question. The answers, posted by the website owner, would probably cause most of my readers offence, so I will leave them out. If you desperately want them, email me and I'll send them to you. But, as a matter of curiosity, do you get why at least some of these questions are daft?

• Does it ever get windy in South Africa ? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
• Will I be able to see elephants in the street? (USA)
• I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
• Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa ? (Sweden)
• Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa ? Can you send me a list of them in JHB, Cape Town , Knysna and Jeffrey's Bay? (UK)
• Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in South Africa? (USA)
• Which direction is north in South Africa ? (USA)
• Can I bring cutlery into South Africa ? (UK)
• Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
• Do you have perfume in South Africa ? (France)
• I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in South Africa ? (USA)
• Can you tell me the regions in South Africa where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
• Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa ? (France)
• Are there killer bees in South Africa ? (Germany)
• Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all year round?
• Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
• I was in South Africa in 1969, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Hillbrow. Can you help? (USA)
• Will I be able to speek (sic) English most places I go? (USA)
  

Let's look at that list again, with a little editorial input from yours truly:

• Does it ever get windy in South Africa ? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)

The first question here, I consider quite reasonable. The second could surely be answered by googling the rainfall figures for the country. Most publicity shots show sunny climes - even for sites here in the UK, known to its detractors as Mud Island.

• Will I be able to see elephants in the street? (USA)

This question reveals an all too common level of ignorance. However, the flip side is that many South Africans tend to think of Americans as being an entire nation of such people, little realising the irony of that assumption.

• I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)

This is a distance of some 1600km (100miles) by road - and probably significantly further by rail. I'm trying to decide whether the Swede has realised this. Maybe s/he has and is looking to do this as a sponsored event, and this is an early enquiry.

• Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa ? (Sweden)

I'm trying to decide whether this Swede (perhaps the same one as before) is under the impression that South Africa is one endless, untamed wilderness (perhaps crosscut by a railroad track)

• Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa? Can you send me a list of them in JHB, Cape Town, Knysna and Jeffrey's Bay? (UK)

Once again, the first question, while demonstrating a surprising level of ignorance for someone who is presumably about to travel to South Africa (btw - both Knysna and Jeffrey's Bay are absolutely gorgeous places to visit in the summer), the second is just daft. A list of ATM machines? C'mon!

• Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in South Africa? (USA)

Okay. Just no. Surely a little research should have been done, here? Koalas are not bears. They do not live in South Africa... or anywhere else in Africa, for that matter, and - as far as I know - they don't race.

• Which direction is north in South Africa ? (USA)

Erm...

• Can I bring cutlery into South Africa ? (UK)

The website owner took huge offence to this one, believing that it implied that the person didn't expect to find cutlery in the country. But what if they were attending a family wedding and wanted to bring cutlery as a gift? Maybe they just wanted to be sure that they weren't going to break any rules by doing this.

• Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

Erm... Vienna is in Austria. Mind you, perhaps they were due to tour South Africa. Who knows?

• Do you have perfume in South Africa ? (France)

You're kidding, right?

• I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in South Africa ? (USA)

I'm not aware of any tourist websites that will do your market research for you.

• Can you tell me the regions in South Africa where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)

The mind boggles!

• Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa ? (France)

This is a fair question, but I would have thought that the answer could be found very quickly via google.

• Are there killer bees in South Africa ? (Germany)

I don't know why this question offended the site owner. Because the answer is yes, although encounters with swarms of them are pretty rare.

• Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all year round?

I find this one puzzling. Where in the world is milk a seasonal commodity?

• Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)

There are probably tens of thousands of doctors in South Africa. But why any of them would dispense rattlesnake serum is beyond me... unless the American in question is planning to bring some with him/her? I would suggest that this might be superfluous. There are snakes in South Africa that make the rattlesnake look pretty mild. If you should ever encounter an angry black mamba, for example, say your prayers. Unlike most snakes, it is aggressive, can move faster than a man can run, and can and does launch itself through the air. It's a doozy!

• I was in South Africa in 1969, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Hillbrow. Can you help? (USA)

To quote John McEnroe, "You cannot be serious!"

• Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)

Okay apart from the unfortunately ironic spelling error, this is an entirely fair question. South Africa has eleven official languages and English is not the most widely spoken mother-tongue by a long shot. The language that holds top spot is Zulu, the mother tongue of the new President, Jacob Zuma, at around 24% of the population. Next comes Xhosa at 17.6%. Afrikaans holds third spot at 13.3%, then Sepedi at 9.4%, and English and Setswana are joint fifth with 8.2%. However, many South Africans speak English as an additional language.

I'm sure the every country has its fair share of 'stupid' tourist questions to field. One of the commenters on the Facebook post mentioned that she is often asked about the six months of daylight and six months of darkness where she lives. She didn't mention where that was, though. Can't have been Canada, because everybody knows that's how it is for you guys. ;o)

pic of the day - young farmers

Several of the ladies at our ladies' group on Friday night were giggling about this sign, describing how one of the cows on it had fallen down so that it looked as if it had mounted the other. Teeheehee. One of them even suggested I should capture it for my pic of the day slot. I hadn't seen it at that stage.

Today we had to pass it, so we stopped to get a picture. Notice the angle of the writing on the bull. It is obviously supposed to be in that position. Somewhat heavy-handed humour, I reckon.

Perhaps the young farmers in this area haven't discovered artificial insemination yet. None of the farmers I have known in the past would risk injury to bull or cow by leaving nature to take its course.

Friday smile

Okay, it's funny, but the talent is indisputable. Did you ever hear such tight harmonies?

Mid-week smile: dress rules

Since most of us in this space appear to be 'of a certain age' (do you know anyone who is of an uncertain age?), I thought I'd share this gem which chortled into my inbox this morning.

Feeling young, we try to conform to current fashions and present a youthful image. Contrary to what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedos and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Mini skirts and varicose veins
12. Inline skates and a zimmer

So you know. I'm off to go and rethink my wardrobe.

Friday smile: LOLcats

So here's the Friday smile I promised. A compilation of LOLcats pics. Some funnier than others.

A tale of medical woe...

I sent this email to my family yesterday and my mother is convinced I should share it with a wider audience. So here it is. Feel free to give it a miss if you're not interested in the detail of what went down at my nerve conduction test...

So the day of my 'emergency' nerve conduction test finally rolled around. John decided to drive me to the hospital and you will see why this proved to be a Good Thing.

A sweet, portly little man called Dr Aziz herded me into his little room and sat me down on the bed, facing him and his machine. He put a pillow in my lap, and I had to rest my arm on this. Palm up. The machine was kinda like a computer with wires coming out of it. It didn't really look scary. My PC has lots of wires coming out of it, too. So far, so ho hum. The kindly doctor chats conversationally. Okay, this is going to be easy.

Error! Error! Error!

He attached a thingy of some sort to my wrist with velcro. Then he attached an earth (I kid you not) to my palm. Next, he held an electrode against various parts of my arm and asked me to indicate when I felt an electric current each time. This ranged from vaguely prickly to 'whoops! what was that?' So far, so tolerable.

Error! Err... Okay, you get the general idea.

At this point, the odd little man selects a needle, which he attaches to one of the wires. Then he shoves the flipping needle right in to my deltoid muscle. Okay that wasn't pleasant. Then, he tells me to flex the muscle... while it has a ruddy great needle stuck in the middle of it. The machine starts chattering madly. I understand that it is reading the strength of the electrical impulses being transmitted along my muscle. Okay that was even more NOT pleasant. Are we done, yet?

Apparently not.

Now the sadist sticks the ruddy great needle into a little muscle next to my thumb. Since we have been getting on like a house on fire, and he has decided that I am an intelligent woman who wants to know this stuff, he tells me what the muscle is called. I think he called it the thisisfrickingouchitoid muscle. Yup. I'm pretty sure that was it. Now the raving lunatic (where did the sweet little man go? Is this what retired torturers re-train to do?) asks me to press my thumb up against the length of my forefinger. The machine chatters again. At this point, I can hear roaring in my ears. He pulls the needle out, and it is followed by torrents of blood. "I'm bleeding," I point out, stupidly. Well duh. The nurse lady, whose face has acquired an alarming habit of shape-shifting, calmly hands me a gauze pad. She seems not to appreciate that I might die of exsanguination at any moment!

The little viper stabs me in the tricep muscle and asks me to flex it. Sure. Why the heck not? muttermuttermumblemumble i'dliketoflexabluntinstrumentoveryourhead. I grit my teeth and comply, while the machine mocks me with its chattering laughter. I point out that I'm not feeling awfully well. The doctor sends the nurse lady to get me some water. I look forward to a sip of icy cold water to restore my equilibrium. She brings me something she swiped from someone's bed bath.

"Last one" announces the poisonous little toad with a smile and stabs me deep in the bicep. "Flex again." I comply and the world goes dark as the machine laughs long and loud. I can feel myself sliding sideways onto the bed. With a practised hand, the torturer whips the needle out before I land on it. Next thing I know, the doctor and the nurse are each holding one of my feet above the height of my head.

"I'm fine!" I announced decisively and sit up hastily to prove it. Bad idea. Head between knees time.

After a few moments, the sadist morphs back into the doctor. The shapeshifter becomes a nurse. The gushing torrents of blood turn out to be about four drops from each wound.

I totter back to my husband. Why, oh why did I wear 4" heels today?

It was at least an hour before the pain in my thumb went away, and the muscles still twinge if I catch them at an odd angle.

BUT

The doc thinks there is no need for surgery. What a sweet little man!

Midweek smile

In the UK, Wednesday is often referred to as 'hump day'. To my ears, that sounds rather rude. In South Africa, it is known as 'klein Saterdag' [clayn sah-ter-dugh] which means 'little Saturday'. I think I prefer that.

Whatever the case, here is a midweek smile for you, courtesy of Bill over at EV Living. What if operating systems were airlines?

UNIX Airways
Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.

Air DOS
Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on again, and so on …

Mac Airlines
All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don’t need to know, don’t want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up.

Windows Air
The terminal is pretty and colorful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.

Windows Vista Air
Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes.

Linux Air
Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself. When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, “You had to do what with the seat?”

On watching Jeff Dunham learn

Last night's show at the Hammersmith Apollo (sheesh, what a dump!) was Jeff Dunham's first and only show in the UK. He had only arrived from the USA that afternoon, so he had had no time to imbibe any culture or vocabulary. He more or less had to figure it out on the fly, and he was probably jet lagged to boot.

Someone had obviously told him that the English hate the French, because he touched on that quite early on. But there were moments when some of the jokes didn't work because the audience didn't understand them. One of these involved what I think might have been an American chocolate bar. Another was a reference to Depend products (Walter says, "Does Depend make a thong?"). My kids told me afterwards I was the only person in the whole auditorium who got that joke (we have Depend in South Africa, too - in the UK it's called Tena). Embarrassingly for them, I laughed exactly as I would have done if the whole audience had got the joke. Ever had one of those moments?

But what was interesting was the way Jeff handled these moments. When the audience didn't laugh, he would have a discussion with his dummy about it. For example, when we didn't get the reference to the chocolate bar. He said to Walter, "Maybe they don't have those here," to which Walter replied, "Maybe I should have said 'masher and bangs'." They then had a brief exchange about what that might be, both declaring themselves clueless. Then, way later in the programme, Jeff suddenly declared triumphantly, apropos nothing at all, "It's 'bangers and mash'!" I guess that was another heads up he had been given - perhaps by his taxi driver.

When the Depend joke flopped, he said "Well, either they don't have thongs or they don't have Depend." Then he moved on with the show.

Can you imagine how vulnerable he felt, not knowing which jokes would work and which would not? His learning was happening in a very public arena (the show was sold out and the theatre seats over 3,700 people. There were people standing around the edges, too!). But he had the presence of mind to handle his learning and moments of 'failure' (if you could call them that) in a way that further endeared him to the audience. It could so easily have gone horribly wrong. But he said from the outset that he didn't know how much of the humour would transfer across the pond. And, bless his heart, he started with London. We speak English. He goes from here into mainland Europe, where the audiences will primarily not be native speakers of the language.

I wish him every success.

Oh, and just a little aside... a few seats away from us, a woman was clutching a Peanut doll. Peanut is my absolute favourite. So I went over to find out where she had got him. My opening line was, "I have a serious case of Peanut envy." My sons, to whom my husband had explained the sort-of-pun told me as I returned to my seat that I took a risk making a joke like that to complete stranger. My reply? "Anyone who has spent this much money getting here, certainly has enough of a sense of humour to handle it!"

It was a once in a lifetime opportunity. My husband knew little about Jeff Dunham beforehand, not having imbibed his every YouTube video the way the boys and I have, so it was a gamble. But it paid off. He roared with laughter the whole way through.

... and I am now utterly broke. I'm expecting my bank manager to knock on the door any moment!

Friday smile

Someone sent me this today, and I had to share it.

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
- Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry.
God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
- Camille, age 10
No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
- Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know
each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
- Lynnette, age 8
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
- Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out.
- Theodore, age 8
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
- Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favourite is........

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.

pic of the day - role reversal

So there I was. Minding my own business, when my phone rings. It's my younger son who says, "Please come to the garage."

So I go down to the garage to find him locked inside the crate, with the dog standing guard. He tells me she tricked him to go into the crate and then locked him in.

It's just the sort of thing she would do.

Oh... and just in case you didn't get it, my son says ;o)

Superhero me

Thanks to Mark Oehlert for the link to the Hero Factory. This, by the way, is my alterego. I rather like the fact that the date in the top left corner of the image is my birthday! At first I wondered where it had picked up that piece of data, but Mark's has the same date on it.

'Knowing Knowledge' ahead of its time?

On Wednesday last week, I ordered a copy of George Siemens's book Knowing Knowledge. I read it online when it was first published, but (for various reasons I won't bore you with) decided I needed a hard copy after all.

Yesterday, I received an email telling me:

Shipped on Sun, 22 Feb 2009 via Flat Rate
All items in your order have been dispatched.

Nothing so strange about that.

Except that the book arrived on Saturday morning.

So it's official - George's theory is light years ahead of its time!

At last I can reveal...

I am so excited! Yesterday was my husband's birthday. I was so pleased with myself regarding the gift I got him, that I was hopping from foot to foot for days beforehand.

So what did I get him?

I bought four tickets to see Jeff Dunham (or Jeffaffah Dun-HAM for those in the know) live in London in April. We're going as a family, which is a significant aspect of the gift - my husband loves doing things with his boys and is delighted that each passing year opens new possibilities of things we can do together. Up until comparitively recently, we could never have entertained the idea of taking our kids with us to something like this.

I am crazy about Jeff Dunham's work. And let me tell you, I never expected to become a fan of a ventriloquist in my middle years! But this material is not kids' stuff - not because it's particularly profane, it's just a different level of humour. I am especially crazy about Peanut, who you can see in this clip, which has got to be one of my all time favourites. I love the fact that Peanut demonstrates an awareness of the relationship between them - there's a neat tension between his expression of 'independent', unflattering views of Jeff, and an acknowledgement of his dependence of Jeff as his manipulator/vocaliser.



You may have noticed that Peanut wears only one shoe. There's one clip where Jeff comments on this and asks him if he lost one, to which Peanut replies "Nope. Found one!"

Monday laugh - anagrams

Because I'm a sad cryptic crossword geek, and because I'm a keen Scrabbler, I like anagrams. A friend (who obviously doesn't have enough to do) sent me these, many of which are new to me. Apologies for the caps - that's how they arrived:

• DORMITORY: DIRTY ROOM
• PRESBYTERIAN:BEST IN PRAYER
• ASTRONOMER: MOON STARER
• DESPERATION: A ROPE ENDS IT
• THE EYES: THEY SEE
• GEORGE BUSH: HE BUGS GORE
• THE MORSE CODE: HERE COME DOTS
• SLOT MACHINES: CASH LOST IN ME
• ANIMOSITY: IS NO AMITY
• ELECTION RESULTS: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
• SNOOZE ALARMS: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
• A DECIMAL POINT: I'M A DOT IN PLACE
• THE EARTHQUAKES: THAT QUEER SHAKE
• ELEVEN PLUS TWO: TWELVE PLUS ONE
• MOTHER-IN-LAW: WOMAN HITLER

Laugh with me: Calvin & Hobbes

How familiar is this scene?

Jus becuz

I'm a long time lolcats fan. Today I learned that there are loldogs, too! Just thought I'd share the first one that genuinely made me lol:

see more puppies

He finally did it!

I wish I knew who to credit for this shot - please let me know, if you can - it arrived attached to an email from my sister.

Ending the week with a smile

This has been a rough week for the Romeis family on many fronts and many levels, but I ended it on a belly laugh I'd like to share with you. I hope it comes off the page successfully.

It was just gone 4pm and we were collecting the kids from the railway station. As they slid into the back seat, the following conversation took place:

Son #1: If you could choose, which super-power would you have: the ability to turn invisible, to fly or to teleport?
Karyn (self-pityingly): Sometimes I feel as I am already invisible.
Son #2 (without missing a beat): Gasp! Who said that?

Gotta admit, I walked into that one. We laughed until the tears ran.