Not afraid

Cue Eminem music:


Yeah... something like all that minus the dick in the dirt part because that sounds gross. And although Eminem wrote this song for his comeback, mine isn't really one yet. Or maybe it is a different kind of comeback and that's what I want to talk about.

I've been living in fear of injury for over two years now. As a result, at first sign of discomfort when I run, I stop. I honestly thought that I was smarter than others for listening to my body and being cautious, with the thought that it would serve me in the long run (pun intended), and that my recovery would be faster. And while I am no longer injured per se after all this time, I have learned in the process that my soon 42 year old body cannot function properly without a certain amount of maintenance and conditioning. Besides, I have no financial means to have a physio therapist on speed dial. I see people doing all kinds of crazy stuff to keep themselves together (cortisone injections, dry needling, acupuncture - so many needles!), but this sounds more like a band-aid to me. I want to be CURED of all my aches and pains. I want all my boo-boos to go away, to feel like a brand new coin coming out of the mint. I want, I want, I want... The Universe seems to have other plans for me though, and it all starts to make sense now. (I should really not write blog posts while drunk, but I'm sticking to this story, at least for the rest of the post).

I don't believe in God, but I believe in karma. Does this make me spiritual? I guess it depends where I am in my menstrual cycle. When all those hormones come rushing to break havoc on my psyche, I cling onto anything to make myself feel better, especially ice cream. And some days I just want to believe that things happen for a reason.

Like my return to Taekwondo. About 10 years ago I was sinking into the black hole of depression and decided to throw away all my belts, uniforms etc. I must have said something like "screw this, I'm too broken for this shit". Yet I kept one uniform and my last belt, safely in my Taekwondo gym bag. The same bag that went on accumulating dust in my basement and that I took out in a similar situation last December. I remember being on my bike and not being able to pedal without pain and once again I said "fuck all this, I am too broken to do triathlons". And I went back to Taekwondo. The loop was looped, a bit like the infinity symbol. I should get a tattoo or something. Since then I worked my way around injuries by doing a good amount of painful workouts in the dojang paired with enough swim/bike/run workouts to keep myself from thinking that I've given up.

I told you a little wile ago that I was going to have my first belt grading at my current school on August 27. Twelve years later since I got my blue belt. I worked hard to re-learn to do a proper sine wave, to bring my hips into submission to do a side kick, to remember half a dozen patterns, to speak Korean "taekwonese", to learn the purpose and method of each movement, to follow protocol, and most and foremost - to FOCUS with the goal of bringing my mind and body together and stop losing my shit. On top of it, I had to do it all this in front of my instructors and whoever else was going to be in audience. Anxiety reached its peak. I lost countless nights of sleep. To say that I was scared was an understatement. Yet when the day came I showed up and I did my best. It was not perfect by any means of the imagination - I am still pretty rusty after all - but at the end of the day, I did not break. And that my friends, was monumental.

(Photos courtesy Miss Julia Sapershteyn)

A couple of days later I went out for a run and decided to push the pace. Once again, I pushed the fear aside and told myself that I am a better runner than 9 months ago. Last year I could not do 20 lunges without being sore for 4 days. One night at the dojang I did 600 lunges and the next day I went back for more. In January I could not do a kick in slow motion. Now I can do 4 dozens. My flexibility and strength have increased tremendously. It cannot be for nothing. I still feel my IT bands being tight every once in a while, but I've rarely felt pain during my runs this year. So I kept telling myself while I was running that I am no longer broken, that I can be a runner again. I still need to follow a proper progression, of course, but I should be able to run a little longer if I wanted to. And so I signed up for my longest running race of this year, the Toronto Zoo Run 10K on September 24. I am working towards it, and my goal is to keep the pain at bay.

Last but not least, yesterday I conquered another fear. Two years ago when I turned 40, I made a "to do" list of sorts which I called "40 steps to 40" and one of them was to try stand up paddle boarding. Not sure what kept me from making it happen - maybe it was fear, maybe competing priorities with the Ironman training... Looking back, maybe I just procrastinated until it was too late. Yesterday I was tired from a lot of time spent in the saddle two days in a row and a hard taekwondo workout the day before, so I let Zin swim by himself at the quarry and I decided to rest instead. Soon enough though, that plan went out of the window because a couple of ladies returned from a SUP trip on the lake and left their paddle boards beside me. The lake was calm as glass and the conditions looked ideal for trying. I asked them if they rented the boards and they said yes, and that it would only cost $10. Another sign that it was meant to happen as I had brought exactly $10 with me, even though I had not planned to pay for my swim.

This was the plan

Then this became the plan. Only idiots don't change their minds, right?

I knew that I would have no issues swimming if I were to fall in the water, so I did not wear any extra safety. I just hopped on and paddled away. It took about 30 minutes to feel comfortable on it and release the tension in my legs. Being in the middle of a lake standing up on a wobbly board with nothing to hang onto is a little unnerving, for sure. But eventually I let go of my fear and managed to have fun. I spent about 45 minutes on it, at times paddling pretty hard, so it was no surprise that when I came back my arms and back were aching. So much for resting, haha. I'll leave that for another day, when there will be no bucket list items waiting for me.

Until then, Carpe Diem!!

A semblance of normality

Another week in the books and no boo boo to spoil the party. Now that's how you start a blog post! Where's my muscle emoji when I need it?

I went to Taekwondo on Tuesday and we did a 6.2km run at the beginning. I tried to stay on top of the leaderboard as the fastest of the group, but the instructor's son put on his 6'5" long legs and left me in his dust, after I beat him the week before. I ran like a maniac though, finishing the run in 34min 40sec, a 45 sec improvement over the previous run, but with the HR in the red, average 181. I pretty much do a speed workout every night I run there, reason why I try to limit the runs to 2 a week so I don't kill my legs, especially since I had little choice over the days I went training and they ended being back to back. Not good.

The next day I ran again, but thankfully only 4.5km. Then we worked on some sparring techniques - lots of high kicks. Not sure what was easier for the ribs - the power kicks we did the day before or the combination kicks during sparring training.  But I managed just fine, despite training with the black belts as they prepare for the ITF Taekwondo World Championships. Speaking of which... this is what ITF Taekwondo looks like.


And this is our school Miller's Taekwondo:


I still take painkillers at night because sleeping on the injured side is hard and I don't get my beauty sleep that helps me function like a human. Hopeful that by the end of the month the bruised ribs will be just a distant memory.

Thursday was OWS night at Professor's Like. A beauty of a swim... so different from the Sunday before. The lake was like glass, although on the chilly side. I helped a new member swim two loops, so it was full of zen. Bubbles bubbles breathe... Look, a pretty cloud and the sky is so blue! Where is that buoy again? I just got lost in my thoughts... as usual. I love open water swimming! Too bad I didn't give any of this love to the pool over the winter, but that's ok. I am not going to break any records this season anyway.

The week went by very fast and with the arrival of the weekend, the apprehension of the longest ride of the year, on the hottest day so far. My friend Sam from "Breaking my Runners In" is training for Muskoka 70.3 and she wanted to do a hilly 100km workout. Crazy as I am, I said yes to joining in the fun pain. Emma made us a route starting from Burlington, complete with a donut stop, 1000m of elevation and only 39 turns. I had to wonder if Emma was PMSing or something, because it delivered! I didn't count all the hills, but the motto quickly became "it ain't over till it's over". The meanest one was strategically placed at km 85, and the last one was just 500m before the finish. Thanks Emma!! What doesn't kill us makes us stronger, right?

Don't be fooled by our smiles, this was after 45km ONLY.

TRS Team photo! (suck the belly in)

I think we climbed that thing in the back

The route was really beautiful though and it had a few awesome downhills too, good enough for some Strava PRs. I drank 4 bottles of water, 2 of Gatorade, had 2 gels and a fruit bar, plus a butter tart. I managed my nutrition pretty well for the conditions, just like in the good ol' days when workouts like these were the routine. The only thing missing were the salty balls, haha.
Oh wait... here they are.

Sorry, not sorry. 

We met with them boys just before the donut/butter tarts stop. Hubby is on the left. These guys were out for 170km in preparation for Ironman Mt Tremblant. They still had 100km left when we met them, and again... don't get fooled by the smiles. The sweaty and delirious ones at the end of the ride are just below.

I went back home and prepared lunch for the boys, then waited for hubbs to arrive from his own epic adventure. We barely had 1h to rest, then went out to one of TFC's soccer matches since we have a few season tickets. For once TFC won, against LA Galaxy nonetheless.

If we look a little pooped, it's totally normal. It was only after we got a cold drink in the shade that we perked up a little. We even compared tan lines. I definitely win.

He may have a nice caramel color, but I am a real cyclist.

The next morning I slept in. Oh, what a glorious sleep. Our cat didn't even bother me, but of course... Zin woke up early again, this time to run 28km (and it distracted the cat away from the bedroom). It sucks to be Ironman in training sometimes.

Another scorcher of a day, but I spent most of it inside, until I went out for another open water swim that is. This time, direction the Quarry where our friend Mellen joined us for some quality "mermaiding". Aren't we pretty?

Another season first, and a 2200m swim that woke up my ribs by the end. Little by little I am getting there... Not ready to do long triathlons any time soon, but I can do some long swims and bike rides, and survive short, fast runs.

Little did I know, the ride I did yesterday was a blessing. Just today I was asked to replace someone at Muskoka 70.3 for the bike segment of a relay and I said yes!! I was really bummed last year when I didn't get to play on that course, but this year I am taking every opportunity as a chance to remind myself that I am not completely broken and I can still do things. I may only ride my bike every 3 weeks, but at this point I know that I can survive the Muskoka hills. It won't be my fastest time on that course since I lost a lot of fitness (and packed on 10 pounds), but I plan on having as much fun as I can while keeping the #rubbersidedown. Since hubby is doing the race as well, I am going to have triple the fun: racing, catching people and cheering my friends across the finish line. Now that's going to be awesome. Stay tuned... first race of the season is next Saturday!