The Program

PART I

UNCOMFORTABLY NUMB

CHAPTER ONE

THE AIR IN THE ROOM tastes sterile. The lingering scent of bleach is mixing with the fresh white paint on the walls, and I wish my teacher would open the window to let in a breeze. But we’re on the third floor so the pane is sealed shut—just in case anyone gets the urge to jump.

I’m still staring at the paper on my desk when Kendra Phillips turns around in her seat, looking me over with her purple contacts. You’re not done yet?

I glance past her to make sure Mrs. Portman is distracted at the front of the room, and then I smile. It’s far too early in the morning to properly psychoanalyze myself, I whisper. I’d almost rather learn about science.

Maybe a coffee spiked with QuikDeath would help you focus on the pain.

My expression falters; just the mention of the poison enough to send my heart racing. I hold Kendra’s empty stare—a deadness behind it that even purple contacts can’t disguise. Her eyes are ringed with heavy circles from lack of sleep, and her face has thinned sharply. She’s exactly the kind of person who can get me in trouble, and yet I can’t look away.

I’ve known Kendra for years, but we’re not really friends, especially now. Not when she’s been acting depressed for close to a month. I try to avoid her, but today there’s something desperate about her that I can’t ignore. Something about the way her body seems to tremble even though she’s sitting still.

God, don’t look so serious, she says, lifting one bony shoulder. I’m just kidding, Sloane. Oh, and hey, she adds as if just remembering the real reason she turned to me in the first place. Guess who I saw last night at the Wellness Center? Lacey Klamath.

She leans forward as she tells me, but I’m struck silent. I had no idea that Lacey was back.

Just then the door opens with a loud click. I glance toward the front of the classroom and freeze, my breath catching in my throat. The day has just become significantly worse.

Two handlers with crisp white jackets and comb-smoothed hair stand in the doorway, their expressionless faces traveling over us as they seek someone out. When they start forward, I begin to wilt.

Kendra spins around in her seat, her back rigid and straight. Not me, she murmurs, her hands clasped tightly in front of her like she’s praying. Please, not me.

From her podium, Mrs. Portman begins her lesson as if there’s no interruption. As if people in white coats should be waltzing in during her speech on the kinetic theory of matter. It’s the second time the handlers have interrupted class this week.

The men separate to opposite sides of the classroom, their shoes tapping on the linoleum floor as they come closer. I look away, opting to watch the leaves fall from the trees outside the window instead. It’s October, but the summer has bled into fall, bathing us all in unexpected Oregon sunshine. I wish I could be anywhere else right now.

The footsteps stop, but I don’t acknowledge them. I can smell the handlers near me—antiseptic, like rubbing alcohol and Band-Aids. I don’t dare move.

Kendra Phillips, a voice says gently. Can you please come with us?

I hold back the sound that’s trying to escape from behind my lips, a combination of relief and sympathy. I refuse to look at Kendra, terrified that the handlers will notice me. Please don’t notice me.

No, Kendra says to them, her voice choked off. I’m not sick.

Ms. Phillips, the voice says again, and this time I have to look. The dark-haired handler takes Kendra by the elbow, guiding her from the chair. Kendra immediately lashes out, yanking her arm from his grasp as she tries to crawl over her desk.

Both men descend on her as Kendra thrashes and screams. She’s barely five feet, but she’s fighting hard—harder than the others. I feel the tension rolling off the rest of the class, all of us hoping for a quick resolution. Hoping that we’ll make it another day without getting flagged.

I’m not sick! Kendra yells, breaking from their hold once again.

Mrs. Portman finally stops her lesson as she looks on with a pained expression. The calm she tries to exude is fraying at the edges. Next to me a girl starts crying and I want to tell her to shut up, but I don’t want to attract attention. She’ll have to fend for herself.

The dark-haired handler wraps his arms around Kendra’s waist, lifting her off the floor as she kicks her legs out. A string of obscenities tears from her mouth as saliva leaks from the corners. Her face is red and wild, and all at once I think she’s sicker than we ever imagined. That the real Kendra is no longer in there, and maybe hasn’t been since her sister died.

My eyes well up at the thought, but I push it down. Down deep where I can keep all my feelings until later when there’s no one watching me.

The handler puts his palm over Kendra’s mouth, muffling her sounds as he whispers soothing things into her ear, continuing to work her bucking body toward the door. The other handler dashes ahead to hold it open.

Just then the man holding Kendra screams out and drops her, shaking his hand as if she bit him. Kendra jumps up to run and the handler lunges for her, his closed fist connecting with her face. The shot sends her into Mrs. Portman’s podium before knocking her to the ground. The teacher gasps as Kendra flops in front of her, but Mrs. Portman only backs away.

Kendra’s top lip is split wide open and leaking blood all over her gray sweater and the white floor. She barely has time to process what happened when the handler grabs her by the ankle and begins to drag her toward the exit. Kendra screams and begs. She tries to hold on to anything within her reach, but instead she’s leaving a trail of blood along the floor.

When they finally get to the doorway, she raises her purple eyes in my direction, reaching out a reddened hand to me. Sloane! she screams. And I stop breathing.

The handler pauses, glancing over his shoulder at me. I’ve never seen him here before today, but something about the way he’s watching me now makes my skin crawl, and I look down.

I don’t lift my head again until I hear the door shut. Kendra’s shouts are promptly cut off in the hallway, and I wonder momentarily if she was Tasered or injected with a sedative. Either way, I’m glad it’s over.

Around the room, there are several sniffles, but it’s mostly silent. Blood still covers the front of the room in streaks of crimson.

Sloane? the teacher asks, startling me. I haven’t gotten your daily assessment yet. Mrs. Portman starts toward the closet where she keeps the bucket and mop, and other than the high lilt of her voice, she has no noticeable reaction to Kendra being dragged from our class.

I swallow hard and apologize, moving to take my pencil from my backpack. As my teacher sloshes the bleach on the floor, choking us with the smell once again, I begin to shade in the appropriate ovals.

In the past day have you felt lonely or overwhelmed?

I stare down at the bright white paper, the same one that waits at our desk every morning. I want to crumple it into a ball and throw it across the room, scream for people to acknowledge what just happened to Kendra. Instead I take a deep breath and answer.

NO.

This isn’t true—we all feel lonely and overwhelmed. Sometimes I’m not sure there’s another way to feel. But I know the routine. I know what a wrong answer can do. Next question.

I fill in the rest of the ovals, pausing when I get to the last one, just like I do every time. Has anyone close to you ever died by suicide?

YES.

Marking that answer day after day nearly destroys me. But it’s the one question where I have to tell the truth. Because they already know the answer.

After signing my name at the bottom, I grab my paper with a shaky hand and walk up to Mrs. Portman’s desk, standing in the wet area where Kendra’s blood used to be. I try not to look down as I wait for my teacher to put away the cleaning products.

Sorry, I tell her again when she comes to take the sheet from me. I notice a small smudge of blood on her pale pink shirtsleeve, but don’t mention it.

She looks over my answers, and then nods, filing the paper in the attendance folder. I hurry back to my seat, listening to the tense silence. I wait for the sound of the door, the approaching footsteps. But after a long minute, my teacher clears her throat and goes back to her lesson on friction. Relieved, I close my eyes.

Teen suicide was declared a national epidemic—killing one in three teens—nearly four years ago. It always existed before that, but seemingly overnight handfuls of my peers were jumping off buildings, slitting their wrists—most without any known reason. Strangely enough, the rate of incidence among adults stayed about the same, adding to the mystery.

When the deaths first started increasing, there were all sorts of rumors—people grasped for any excuse. The leading view says that something in our environment changed the chemical makeup of our generation, making us more susceptible to depressive thoughts. Sure, it could be the environment. Or the pesticides in our food. Or maybe it’s the constant barrage of violent news, keeping our parents glued to the TV.

Truth is, I don’t know what I believe anymore, and really, I try not to think about it. But the psychologists say that suicide is a behavioral contagion. It’s the old adage If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you, too? Apparently the answer is yes.

To fight the outbreak, our school district implemented the pilot run of The Program—a new philosophy in prevention. Among the five schools, students are monitored for changes in mood or behavior, flagged if a threat is determined. Anyone exhibiting suicidal tendencies is no longer referred to a psychologist. Instead, the handlers are called.

And then they come and take you.

Kendra Phillips will be gone for at least six weeks—six weeks spent in a facility where The Program will mess with her mind, take her memories. She’ll be force-fed experimental pills and therapy until she doesn’t even know who she is anymore. After that they’ll ship her off to a small private school until graduation. A school designated for other returners, other empty souls.

Like Lacey.

My phone vibrates in my pocket and I let out a held breath. I don’t have to check to know what it means—James wants to meet. It’s the push I need to get through the rest of the period, the fact that he’s waiting for me. The fact that James is always waiting for me.

As we file out of the classroom forty minutes later, I notice the dark-haired handler in the hallway, watching us. He seems to take extra time on me, but I try hard not to notice. Instead I keep my head down and walk quickly toward the gymnasium to find James.

I check over my shoulder to make sure no one is following me before turning down the stark white corridor with the metal double doors. It’s nearly impossible to trust anyone for fear they’ll report you for suspicious behavior. Not even our parents—especially not our parents.

It was Lacey’s father who called The Program to tell them that she was unwell. So now James, Miller, and I do everything we can to keep up the facade at home. Smiles and small talk equal well-balanced and healthy. I wouldn’t dare show my parents anything else. Not now.

But once I turn eighteen, The Program loses its hold on me. I won’t be a minor, so they can no longer force me into treatment. Despite all its power, The Program is bound to the laws of the land. I’ll be an adult, and as an adult it’s my given right to off myself if I so please.

Unless the epidemic gets worse. Then who knows what the government will do.

When I get to the gymnasium doors, I push on the cold metal bar and slip inside. It’s been years since this part of the building was used. The Program cut athletics immediately after taking over, claiming it added too much competitive stress to our fragile student population. Now this space is used for storage—unused desks piled in the corner, stacks of unneeded textbooks.

Anyone see you?

I jump and look at James as he stands in the cramped space underneath the folded bleachers. Our space. The emotionless armor I’ve been wearing weakens.

No, I whisper. James holds out his hand to me and I meet him in the shadows, pressing myself close to him. It’s not a good day, I murmur against his mouth.

It rarely is.

James and I have been together for over two years—since I was fifteen. But I’ve known him my entire life. He’d been best friends with my brother, Brady, before he died.

I choke on the memory, like I’m drowning in it. I pull from James and bang the back of my head on the corner of the wooden bleacher above us. Wincing, I touch my scalp, but don’t cry. I wouldn’t dare cry at school.

Let me see, James says, reaching to rub his fingers over the spot. You were probably protected by all this hair. He grins and lets his hand glide into my dark curls, resting it protectively on the back of my neck. When I don’t return his smile, he pulls me closer. Come here, he whispers, sounding exhausted as he wraps his arms around me.

I hug him, letting the images of Brady fade from my head, along with the picture of Lacey being dragged from her house by handlers. I slide my hand under the sleeve of James’s T-shirt and onto his bicep where his tattoos are.

The Program makes us anonymous, strips us of our right to mourn—because if we do, we can get flagged for appearing depressed. So James has found another way. On his right arm he’s keeping a list in permanent ink of those we’ve lost. Starting with Brady.

I’m having bad thoughts, I tell him.

Then stop thinking, he says simply.

They took Kendra last period. It was horrible. And Lacey—

Stop thinking, James says again, a little more forcefully.

I look up at him, the heaviness still in my chest as I meet his eyes. It’s hard to tell in the shadows, but James’s eyes are light blue, the sort of crystal blue that can make anyone stop with just a glance. He’s stunning that way.

Kiss me instead, he murmurs. I lean forward to press my lips to his, letting him have me in a way that only he can. A moment filled with sadness and hope. A bond of mournful secrets and promises of forever.

It’s been two years since my brother died. Practically overnight, our lives were changed. We don’t know why Brady killed himself, why he abandoned us. But then again, no one knows what’s causing the epidemic—not even The Program.

Above us the bell for class rings, but neither James nor I react. Instead James’s tongue touches mine and he pulls me closer, deepening our kiss. Although dating is allowed, we try to keep our relationship low-key at school, at least when we can. The Program claims that forming healthy bonds keeps us emotionally strong, but then again, if it all goes horribly wrong, they can just make us forget. The Program can erase anything.

I swiped my dad’s car keys, James whispers between my lips. What do you say we go skinny-dipping in the river after school?

How about you get naked and I’ll just watch?

Works for me.

I laugh, and James gives me one more squeeze before taking his arms from around me. He pretends to fix my hair, really just messing it up more. Better get to class, he says finally. And tell Miller he’s invited to watch me swim naked too.

I back away, first kissing my fingers and then holding them up in a wave. James smiles.

He always knows what to say to me. How to make me feel normal. I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have survived Brady’s death without him. In fact, I know I wouldn’t have.

After all, suicide is contagious.

CHAPTER TWO

WHEN I WALK INTO ECONOMICS, I tell my teacher that therapy ran late, taking out one of the fake passes that me, James, and Miller made weeks ago. Since The Program started monitoring our school, I’ve found that my boyfriend is not only a talented liar but also a master of forgery. A handy skill to have as of late.

Mr. Rocco only glances at the pass before motioning me toward the back. It’s the fifth time I’ve been late this month, but luckily no one ever questions me. I’ve learned how to appear well. And in their eyes, talking to a professional is a sign that I’m trying to stay healthy.

Hey, gorgeous, Miller says when I sit down. "You and James have a good therapy session?" He’s sitting in the desk next to mine, staring into his lap as the teacher turns to write on the dry-erase board.

Miller and I have been friends since the beginning of last year, sharing most of our classes together. He’s tall and wide, and I imagine if our high school had a football team, he’d be their star athlete.

Yep, I respond. Think we really had a breakthrough this time.

I bet.

He smiles but doesn’t look over. Instead he continues to doodle in a notepad that he’s got stashed under the desk. My heart thuds in my chest at what I have to say next.

Lacey’s back, I say quietly.

Miller scratches his pen harder into the paper. Where’d you hear that? I try not to react as the color drains from his face.

Kendra Phillips told me before they came and… I lower my voice. Took her.

Miller finally looks sideways at me, obviously hearing about Kendra for the first time. His brown eyes narrow, maybe deciding if he truly believes that Lacey could be home. But then he just nods and goes back to his notepad. Never saying a word.

His silence nearly breaks me, and I spread my fingers out on the cool desktop, trying to keep my emotions in check. I stare down at my fingers, at the plastic heart-shaped ring there. James had given it to me the first time he kissed me—a few months before my brother died. Lacey and Miller always joked that this ring was the closest I’d ever come to getting a real diamond from him. Then James would laugh, saying that he knew what I really wanted and it didn’t sparkle.

It was a different time then—a time when we all thought we’d make it. I close my eyes to keep from crying.

I think… Miller pauses, like he’s not sure he wants to say it. When I turn to him he bites on his lip. I think I’m going to go to Sumpter to see her.

Miller— I start, but he waves me away.

I have to know if she remembers me, Sloane. I won’t be able to think of anything else until I know.

I watch him for a long moment, see the pain behind his eyes. There’s nothing I can say that will change his mind. Not when he loves her so much. Be careful is all I can utter.

I will.

My fear is strong enough to choke me. I worry that Miller will get caught at the alternative school and be flagged in the process. We’re expected to keep our distance from the returners unless the time is monitored at the Wellness Center, at least for a while. If we’re caught interfering with their recovery, we can get flagged or even arrested. And none of us wants to be sent away to become comfortably numb.

Miller is quiet through the rest of class, but when the bell rings, he gives me a nod. It might be dangerous for him to approach Lacey at this point, but if she was herself she’d want him to try. See you at lunch, he says, touching my shoulder before walking toward the door.

See you then, I respond, and quickly pull out my phone. I text James. MILLER’S GOT A TERRIBLE PLAN.

I wait, still in my seat as the classroom filters out around me. When a message pops up on the screen, I feel my chest tighten.

SO DO I.

PLEASE DON’T, I type. I’m terrified that my boyfriend and my best friend will get flagged, and I’ll be left all alone in this barren place. This barren world.

But all I get back is: I LOVE YOU, SLOANE.

James and I watch as Miller waits in the lunch line, his movements slow and lethargic. He hasn’t been the same since I told him about Lacey, and I hate myself for it. I should have let James break the news.

At the start of lunch, James and Miller decide that after classes we’ll go to Sumpter High—the school for returners—and wait for Lacey to walk out. There’s no way Miller would get more than a few words in at the Wellness Center, not when handlers will be guarding Lacey for three more weeks. Miller is hoping that, in the parking lot of Sumpter (with the proper diversion), he can get Lacey alone long enough to remind her of who he is. He thinks he can get her back.

James is next to me with his head on his folded arms as they rest on the lunch table. He’s trying to look casual, but his eyes are trained on Miller in the lunch line. At Sumpter, you and I are going to create a distraction, James says in my direction.

And if it doesn’t work? I ask.

His mouth turns up, his eyes flicking from the lunch line to me. I can be distracting, don’t you think?

James, I miss her too. But I don’t want anything to—

He reaches out his hand to clasp mine. I know the risk, but what if she’s still in there somehow? Miller has to try, Sloane. I would do it for you.

And I would for you, I answer automatically. But James’s face clouds over.

Don’t say that, he snaps. Don’t even think it. He lets go of my hand. I’ll kill myself before they ever take me into The Program.

Tears burn my eyes because I know it’s not an idle threat. It’s a real possibility. James doesn’t try to console me, there’s no point. He can’t promise me he won’t kill himself. No one can.

Six weeks ago, after they took Lacey, I had to fight hard to keep from slipping into the depression that seems to be always waiting. The depression that tells me I’ll never make it. James convinced me and Miller that Lacey was gone forever, as if she was dead, and told us to mourn—privately. We did. It helped us survive. But now Lacey’s back and I’m not sure how to feel anymore.

James doesn’t speak again until Miller drops down in the seat, the food on his tray jumping as he does. The room around us buzzes, but it’s quieter than usual. Word of Kendra’s transfer has put everyone on edge.

I notice the dark-haired handler standing by the exit door, not trying to disguise how he’s watching me. I lower my eyes to my half-eaten hamburger. Kendra called to me as she was being dragged out. She made him notice me. I can’t tell James.

Just then James rests his chin on my shoulder as his fingers touch mine. I’m sorry, he murmurs. I’m a dick, and I’m sorry.

I look sideways at him, his blond hair curling at the ends near his neck, his blue eyes wide as he stares at me. I don’t want anything to happen to you, I say quietly, hoping Miller won’t hear me and think of Lacey.

James moves to put his arms around my waist to turn me toward him before pressing his forehead to mine, ignoring the fact that everyone can see us. His breath is warm across my lips. I don’t want anything to happen to me either. But I’ll keep us safe.

I close my eyes, letting the heat of his body compensate for the cold fear in my chest. Promise?

It takes him so long to answer that I give up and let in the dark thoughts once again. The idea that James can be ripped from me at any moment, or that I can get sent away to be changed forever.

But suddenly James buries his face in my hair as he hugs me to him. I stop worrying about the people around us, or even about Miller. I need to hear it. James knows I need to hear it. So then to my absolute relief his mouth is next to my ear and he whispers, I promise.

Sumpter High looms in front of us, looking more like a hospital that an educational facility. The stone facade is washed in white and the large rectangular windows are most certainly sealed. There’s a student drop-off area near the front, but Miller and I are sitting in the cab of his truck in the back parking lot, staring ahead in silence.

James plans to meet us here after he puts in an appearance at his last class, but Miller and I had study hall, so we took off early with one of the fake passes. There are only ten more minutes until Sumpter lets out, and the anxiety at seeing Lacey again is growing, both in me and in Miller. I turn to look sideways at him.

Miller’s hat is pulled low, shading his eyes. Even though the ignition is off, his knuckles are white where they’re wrapped around the steering wheel. All at once I’m scared of what he’ll do and how he’ll keep it under control. We shouldn’t be here.

Is there even a real plan? I ask. James wouldn’t tell me anything.

Miller doesn’t seem to hear me as he gazes out the windshield. Did you know that Lacey was a natural blond? he asks, sounding far away. She always had that red dye in her hair and I figured it was brown underneath, but it wasn’t. I saw an old picture of her. I’m a jerk for not knowing, right? I should have known.

I’ve been friends with Lacey since elementary school, so I can remember when she had yellow pigtails. It’s such a small thing for Miller to feel bad about, but I can tell that he does. As if knowing this detail could have saved her from The Program.

She loved you, I whisper, even though it’s almost cruel to say now. It was all real.

Miller smiles to himself, but it’s pained. If you can’t remember, it didn’t happen. And since she won’t… He trails off, staring once again at the large building.

I think about the Lacey we knew before she was taken. Her bright blood-red hair and tight black dresses. She was a force of nature. She was a presence. Leading up to The Program she’d been acting differently, and yet, none of us said anything about it—maybe hoping it would go away. We all failed her.

The handlers had been waiting at Lacey’s house the night they came to take her to The Program. We were dropping her off, and I can still remember James joking about the unfamiliar car in her driveway, saying that it was pretty late for her parents to have friends over—maybe they were swingers. Lacey smiled but didn’t laugh. I just thought she was tired. I should have asked if she was okay.

But I didn’t. She gave Miller a quick kiss and climbed out, walking to her house. She’d barely gotten inside when we heard her scream. We all rushed to get out of the car, when her front door opened.

It’s a sight I’ll never get out of my head. On either side of her were the men in white coats