Different Strokes: John Warren Wells on Human Behavior

A Screenplay

1. Close-up of penis on erotic lamp. Hold this shot for a few seconds with only general room tone as background. We hear the sound of a gavel.

AUCTIONEER

(OC) Ladies and gentlemen, lot number 453 . . . (Camera pulls back slowly to reveal rest of statue.)

AUCTIONEER

(Doubtfully.) . . . a lamp . . . (Camera continues pullback revealing AUCTIONEER.)

AUCTIONEER

An unusually fine and rare example of its kind. Please consult your catalogues. May I have an opening bid of one hundred dollars? (Camera continues pullback revealing people sitting and standing in and around the room. The bidding continues as the AUCTIONEER continues calling for higher bids in increments of twenty-five dollars. People raise their hands occasionally to bid. The camera continues its pullback and now the POV has reached the last row. The camera begins a slow dolly to the right and holds steady after AUCTIONEER says:) I have five hundred, will you go five and a quarter. I have five hundred once. I have five hundred twice . . .

(SOPHIE jumps into frame, wearing a wild hat of bird feathers, etc. We see her from behind, back of head from top of hat to upper shoulders.)

SOPHIE

One thousand goddamned dollars!

2. Exterior of the auction gallery. We pick up SOPHIE walking out with the package under her arm. Also at this point we begin our opening music. We have a montage at this point. Series of shots of SOPHIE walking in the Madison Avenue, Bloomingdale’s, Central Park South area. Then—

3. SOPHIE at the corner of 59th and 5th. (Medium long shot.)

4. Shot across the street from SOPHIE’S POV. We see the traffic sign flash WALK.

5. Medium shot from SOPHIE’S side. We see her in frame start to cross the street. She steps off the curb. We see a cab start to turn the corner.

6. Shot of SOPHIE from inside the cab, driver’s POV. The cab just misses her and we see SOPHIE stumble backward.

7. Same shot as #5. SOPHIE’S hat is cockeyed on her head. Zoom in to her face as she mouths the words fuck you and gives the cab the finger.

8. Freeze frame on this shot and first credit.

9. Continuation of montage sequence.

10. Long shot of SOPHIE with operating pile driver in the foreground. Focus shifts from the pile driver to SOPHIE. Zoom in to her face watching it go up and down.

11. Freeze frame and second credit.

12. Continuation of montage sequence.

13. Medium shot of doorman opening door for SOPHIE outside her apartment building. Pan down to his crotch.

14. Close on SOPHIE looking down at the doorman’s crotch. She licks her lips and leers.

15. Shot of penis on erotic lamp in close-up.

16. Close shot of doorman’s crotch.

17. Close on SOPHIE’S face licking her lips and leering.

18. Freeze frame and third credit.

19. SOPHIE in the hall outside her apartment She is walking down the hall toward her apartment door. Shot from behind.

20. Reverse of 19. The door of SOPHIE’S neighbor’s apartment opens. We zoom in to see the neighbor’s hand on SOPHIE’S arm. He is IRVING, a seventy-year-old man with a twenty-year-old libido. Dressed in a velvet smoking jacket, rimless glasses, right out of the nineteenth century. You get the type, the kind who wears a bathing suit with socks and shoes. He has a small wrapped gift in his other hand.

21. Shot of IRVING from POV SOPHIE.

IRVING

Sophie, my little rose petal, how about a little . . .

SOPHIE

(To herself.) Oh, my God. (To IRVING.) Irving, I can’t begin to tell you . . .

22. SOPHIE POV IRVING.

SOPHIE

What a comfort it is for me to have you watching the hall.

IRVING

. . . Come and view . . .

23. IRVING POV SOPHIE.

IRVING

. . . the new French slides I just got for my stereopticon.

24. Two-shot.

IRVING

(Holds out stereopticon. Looks through it, whistles, snorts, moves eyebrows, etc. Offers stereopticon to SOPHIE.) Ankles, knees, it’s all there out in the open.

SOPHIE

Some other time, Irving, when I’m not in a rush. (Pushes him back into his apartment.) And . . .

25. SOPHIE POV IRVING.

SOPHIE

. . . we’ll curl up on your davenport and titillate each other.

IRVING

(As door is closing.) Oh

26. IRVING POV SOPHIE.

IRVING

. . . you devil you, you . . . (Door closes.) FADE OUT

27. FADE IN. SOPHIE, in her apartment. Medium shot of lamp being placed on a shelf. Dolly back to reveal SOPHIE’S apartment. It is basically Victoriana. It is loaded with erotic, suggestive and downright pornographic this and that. As we watch she goes around the apartment dusting, cleaning, etc.

28. SOPHIE in medium close-up. She undresses a Barbie doll and a Ken doll, arranges them in the missionary posture.

SOPHIE

Enjoy yourselves, kids. (She picks up a Little Brother doll, tweaks its cock playfully, sets it down. Then she picks up a Raggedy Ann doll and cuddles it. Music cue of mandolin playing "Those Were The Days.")

29. Close on SOPHIE’S face. She is looking and remembering. DISSOLVE:

30. Same close-up as 29, but now SOPHIE is a thirteen-year-old, stereotyped of course. Quasi Fauntleroy outfit on. Big rouge marks on her cheeks. Pigtails, etc. Fade out Those Were The Days and fade in The Good Ship Lollipop. Pull back to see SOPHIE in Central Park near the swings in the playground. Music drops and SOPHIE begins humming Good Ship Lollipop, cuddling doll, etc.

31. Long shot of SOPHIE. Suddenly in frame appears the back view of a DIRTY OLD MAN. He begins to walk toward her. He is wearing a smarmy raincoat. He is humming a nothing sort of tune to himself in a deep, deep voice. As he gets closer to her, her singing and humming gets louder. SOPHIE notices him.

32. Shot of DOM POV SOPHIE. She stops humming, and watches the DOM approach. His humming gets louder. He stops.

DOM

Why, hello, little one! What a pretty doll.

33. Close-up SOPHIE. She’s listening, but saying nothing.

34. Same as #32.

DOM

. . . and what a pretty little doll you are. What’s your name, my dear? (Two beats.) What’s the matter, cat got your tongue?

35. Same as #33. SOPHIE still looking. She sticks out her tongue and gives a Bronx cheer.

DOM

(OC) Ahhhh, yes . . .

36. Two-shot. Dolly around to wind up in a two-shot favoring the DOM.

DOM

. . . perfectly lovely.

SOPHIE

(Little voice throughout.) I’m not supposed to talk to strange men.

DOM

(Shot favoring him here.) That’s no problem, my dear. There’s nothing strange about me, is there?

37. Pan down DOM’S body from head to crotch. Hold two beats on his crotch.

38. Close-up on SOPHIE as she reacts.

SOPHIE

Well . . .

DOM

If you’ll come with me for a little walk.

39. Two-shot favoring DOM.

DOM

. . . my sweet, I’ll give you a lollipop. (Whips five hundred and thirty-six lollipops from his pocket immediately, and just as quickly returns them.)

40. Close-up SOPHIE as she reacts.

SOPHIE

Well . . .

41. Tracking shot of SOPHIE and DOM walking through the park.

DOM

What’s your name, my dear?

SOPHIE

It’s Sophie.

DOM

Sophie. What a pretty name.

SOPHIE

I think it sucks. (At this point they pass the camera and the camera pans as they pass.)

42. Tracking from the front. Two-shot.

DOM

And how old are you, Sophie?

SOPHIE

I’m thirteen.

DOM

Thirteen!

SOPHIE

Is that bad?

(During the DOM’S next line, we let them pass the camera and pan with them to get a two-shot from the rear. We see that the DOM’S hand is on SOPHIE’S ass.)

DOM

It’s fortunate for both of us, my dear, that I’m not the least bit superstitious. DISSOLVE:

43. Interior of the DOM’S furnished room. We begin our shot on typical children’s-style drawing on the wall. It is obscene but is still obviously done by a child. Hold this for two beats and then pullback and pan to a two-shot of SOPHIE and the DOM.

SOPHIE

When am I going to get my lollipop?

DOM

First my dear, you’d better take off all your clothes . . .

44. Medium shot of DOM POV SOPHIE. He is stroking his crotch but catches himself doing it and stops.

DOM

. . . you wouldn’t want to drool all over your pretty dress.

45. Close-up SOPHIE. Pullback after her line to have a medium shot POV DOM.

SOPHIE

Now I’ve heard everything. (She takes off all her clothes. Intercut shots of the DOM’S face.)

SOPHIE

Well?

46. Two-shot.

DOM

First I’ll have some candy for myself, you little angel. (He puts her on the bed while speaking.) . . . Such a lovely little thing. Aren’t these delightful? Scoops of ice cream with cherries on top. (He works his way down her body with appropriate oohs and ahs, then stations himself between her legs. He is, of course, still fully dressed.) My God, that’s a pretty one!

SOPHIE

It’s the only one I’ve got.

DOM

What an aroma! Cinnamon crumpets, maraschino cherries, mink musk . . .

SOPHIE

Are you going to eat it or write a poem about it? (A good question, which he proceeds to answer with eager tongue.)

47. Close on DOM eating SOPHIE. Intercut with shots of her face as she delivers the lines.

SOPHIE

A genuine dirty old man. You don’t know what a hassle it is to find a dirty old man these days. The hours I’ve spent in that stupid park, dragging that dumb doll around. And all I saw were cops and muggers . . . that feels wonnnnnddeeerfuuuulllll . . . I’ve tried to do it myself but I couldn’t ever reach . . . When I think of all the years I’ve wasted playing hopscotch and kick the can . . . Johnnie on the pony wasn’t too bad, but stilllllllll . . . The camera stays on SOPHIE’S face for the rest of this.

SOPHIE

(Half singing, half talking as she gets closer to orgasm.)

ON THE GOOD SHIP . . .

LOLL—EE—POP . . .

WHAT A GREAT TRIP . . .

OH . . . DONT STOP . . .

MAYBE HE’S A BUM . . .

BUT I THINK HE’S GONNA . . . MAKE . . .

ME . . . CCUuuMMMMMMM! (And she does just that.)

48. Two-shot.

SOPHIE

I suppose it’s tacky of me to mention this, but whatever happened to that lollipop?

DOM

You’ve earned it, my little one. Here it is!

49. Medium shot of DOM POV SOPHIE. DOM standing as he triumphantly opens his raincoat to reveal that he is naked beneath it, his trousers being merely pants legs cut off and held in place by rubber bands; i.e., typical flasher’s garb. Naturally the actor hasn’t been walking around like this, but the audience doesn’t know this.

50. Close-up SOPHIE.

SOPHIE

You call that a lollipop?

DOM

(OC) Play your cards right, my dear . . .

51. Two-shot favoring the DOM.

DOM

. . . and it could turn out to be an all-day sucker. (She gets ready to go down on him.)

SOPHIE

But it’s so small . . .

DOM

It’s a magic lollipop, my dear. The more you eat, the bigger it gets.

SOPHIE

I was thinking . . . (DOM puts her head in position.)

DOM

Eat first. Later, well talk. (As she goes down on him, he delivers all or some of the following dialogue. Some on camera, some off camera.)

DOM

Ah, that’s delicious . . . Careful, Sophie, keep your pretty little teeth out of the way . . . that’s much better . . . Oh, that’s much better . . . Are you sure you haven’t done this before? No, don’t answer, never talk with your mouth full . . . a natural talent . . . truly incredible . . . oooh, ah, etc.

52. Close on SOPHIE’S face. The DOM cums. Her mouth is open and there is a bead of semen on her chin.

53. DOM POV SOPHIE.

DOM

Swallow it, angel. It’s full of vitamins.

54. SOPHIE POV DOM. She swallows.

SOPHIE

You know, I can see this as a turning point in my life . . .

DOM

(OC) You missed a drop. (She gets the blob of sperm on her index finger and puts her finger in her mouth.) DISSOLVE:

55. Close-up the mature SOPHIE in her apartment in the same position, her finger in her mouth. She takes her finger out of her mouth, looks at it, shrugs. She goes over to the lamp she has just bought. She begins to fondle and stroke the penis-spout. After a bit she kisses it. There is an explosion. SOPHIE’S face goes out of frame. Thick red smoke begins to appear from the spout of the lamp. There is another explosion.

56. Close-up SOPHIE reacting to all this.

57. The smoke clears and we have a shot of PLUTO JONES POV SOPHIE. He is super straight in a Brooks Brothers suit, sincere tie, slim attaché case in one hand. But he does have a Satanic beard, a pair of cute little horns, and a tail.

PLUTO

You rang?

58. Close-up SOPHIE, reaction shot.

SOPHIE

Oh, my God! (She runs away from him.)

59. SOPHIE runs toward camera. Camera pans as she passes to end up in a two-shot of PLUTO and SOPHIE from behind SOPHIE, PLUTO has changed position.

PLUTO

You’re miles away.

60. Close-up SOPHIE over PLUTO’S shoulder.

SOPHIE

What the hell . . . (She runs again.)

61. Same as #59.

PLUTO

You’re getting warmer.

62. Same as #60.

SOPHIE

What the devil . . . (She runs again,)

63. Same as #59.

PLUTO

(Snaps fingers; explosion.) Much warmer.

64. Same as #60.

SOPHIE

Well, I’ll be damned . . . (She stands there and slowly backs away from PLUTO, hands on hips, looking at him.)

65. PLUTO POV SOPHIE.

PLUTO

Bull’s-eye!

66. SOPHIE POV PLUTO. She walks to the bar to pour a drink. She speaks over her shoulder as she is pouring.

SOPHIE

And just who or what are you supposed to be, anyway?

67. Two-shot.

PLUTO

PLUTO JONES. My card. (He proffers a card and hands it to SOPHIE, who is standing at the bar.)

68. Close-up of PLUTO’S card, which reads: PLUTO JONES/ HELL/Department of Sexual Fulfillment/Personnel Selection Division/Recruiter, 3rd Asst./Employee number 365566774774. Camera stays here long enough for this to be easily read.

SOPHIE

Oh, my God . . . (Really drawn out.)

69. Medium close-up of SOPHIE. She is taking a sip of her drink and fingering the edge of the card to check its quality. She nods to herself, impressed. Pause two beats.

SOPHIE

(She hands the card back to PLUTO, walks past him and the camera pans to the couch as she sits down. We are now in a two-shot favoring SOPHIE. She delivers the lines during her motion, ending as she sits down.) So what’s this got to do with me? I still don’t get it.

70. Medium shot of PLUTO POV SOPHIE. He moves to the couch and sits down as the camera pans and dollies to reframe for a two-shot.

PLUTO

Well that’s been the whole problem, hasn’t it.

SOPHIE

What? Oh, I see. Very cute. So the question is what in the hell have you got for me?

PLUTO

Well, if . . .

SOPHIE

And listen, sweetie, whatever you’ve got for me, it better be something better than what I’m used to getting. Know what I mean?

PLUTO

Well, Sophie, if it’s in Hell, I guarantee I can get it for you. (He has opened his briefcase. He has taken out fourteen thousand forms and is arranging them on the coffee table.)

71. The same, but time has passed. PLUTO’S papers are cluttering the table, his jacket is off, his tie loose, his sleeves rolled up. The ashtray is overflowing with cigarette butts, etc.

SOPHIE

What mixes me up is the way things fit together. You came because I went down on that lamp, but you ain’t no genie with the light brown hair.

PLUTO

One myth can borrow from another.

SOPHIE

Isn’t that plagiarism?

PLUTO

On a grand scale, it’s called research.

SOPHIE

(Over her glass as she drains it.) Oh, it’s like that.

72. PLUTO POV SOPHIE. Fiddling still with papers. Businesslike.

PLUTO

No, actually it’s like this . . . (Snaps fingers; explosion.)

73. Same as #72. SOPHIE staring at her drink now full again. Looks for a second. Takes a sip.

SOPHIE

Very convenient, that, very convenient.

74. PLUTO, as in #72.

PLUTO

Merely parlor games. (But he looks a bit proud, then again all business.) However, why don’t we get back to the deal I’m offering.

SOPHIE

(OC) Deal? (Picks up forms, shuffles them.) That’s where we go from Aladdin to Faust. I sign on the dotted line. Then I get three wishes, and in return for that you’ve got a claim on my immortal soul.

PLUTO

Check and double-check. (He finds the right form, picks up the pen, uncaps it, leans forward, then pauses and PLUTO lets out breath he has been holding for quite some time.)

SOPHIE

Wait a minute. There’s a trick here somewhere.

75. Shot of PLUTO’S reaction, eyes rolling heavenward, exhausted and exasperated.

76. Two-shot, focus on SOPHIE.

SOPHIE

I mean, I could lay it out straight and pick up all the marbles. Three wishes. One: Eternal life. Two: Eternal youth and beauty. Three: Eternal happiness. Which leaves you playing with your tail, doesn’t it?

PLUTO

Let’s back up a couple of frames, SOPHIE. I think you missed the opening credits.

77. Cut to opening shot of #68, business card, as PLUTO reads:

PLUTO

Hell. Now, the whole corporation doesn’t have anything substantive to do with life, youth, beauty or happiness. For those subjects you’d have to deal with another firm entirely.

78. Close-up SOPHIE.

SOPHIE

I see.

79. Two-shot favoring PLUTO.

PLUTO

Department of Sexual Fulfillment. That’s my specific territory. That’s what I can offer you. Three ultimate fantasies come true. Three trips around the universe. If it’s in Hell, I can give it to you. And if it’s sexy, Hell’s the place to find it . . . Take a look at this. (He hands her a document.) I’m sure it’s completely self-explanatory.

SOPHIE

(Taking document.) Looks like my first wedding license. (It is a parchment scroll wrapped in a black ribbon. She unties the ribbon.)

80. Close on PLUTO’S face from a fake POV SOPHIE. He is nodding to himself