Co-Dependency: How to Survive a Co-Dependent Relationship

Chapter 1: Are You Co-dependent or Just a Caring Person?

The word co-dependency-- ignoring our own wishes in order to serve others or gain approval-- has gotten in the mainstream vocabulary. The concept progressed from the term co-alcoholic, which describes an alcoholic partner's passive, making it possible for habits, while neglecting to recognize how they're being impacted and not affirming their own needs and limitations.

At the heart of co-dependency is reacting immediately to other people's real or envisioned needs, while bypassing our own inner life.

Signposts of Possible Co-dependent Patterns

Are you often stressed that your partner might get upset or leave you if you don't adhere to what they want, which leaves you trapped?

Is it hard to set boundaries-- noticing, honoring, and expressing views and needs that may differ from others? Do other people's needs quickly surpass yours?

Do you think it is challenging to pause and consider your own feelings and desires-- including your yes, your no, and your perhaps-- before responding to others?

Do you see yourself feeling resentful and depleted just because you usually respond to what others want from you without considering what you really need?

If any of the above are true, you might be inclined to minimize your own needs and put others ahead of yourself as a way to handle your desire for connection, belonging, or self-regard.

But remember that life is complex: Do not be too fast to label yourself as co-dependent. Using a pathological label to define yourself could be an injustice.

The Fine Line Between Caring and Co-dependency

There's a fine line between being loving and co-dependent. If we slap the co-dependent label on our kind, empathic impulses, then we may also dismiss all the great spiritual teachers, like Jesus and the Buddha, as hopeless co-dependents! Our impulse to be kind and responsive may be coming from a humanistic or spiritual place inside us.

It takes discernment to differentiate co-dependence from fundamental human caring and compassion. We human beings have a need not only to be loved, but also to really love. It usually feels nurturing and rewarding to care about others. And it's challenging to reason that the world could use a little more sensitivity and empathy.

The ones with narcissistic tendencies may find a sort of reassuring self-protection in the term co-dependence-- translating their own self-indulgent conduct as very well non-co-dependent. It might trigger embarrassment to be perceived as weak, soft, or tender. They might be quite quick to shame others as being co-dependent, while seeing themselves as commendably strong and independent. A ridicule for empathy and empathy may actually make them counter-dependent, which is the opposite extreme of co-dependent. Fearing attachment, intimacy, and vulnerability, they live behind a well-defended wall that ensures their isolation-- usually even if they appear lively or charming.

One factor of love is seeing what people need, and, if we can, giving it to them. We extend ourselves without overextending; our caring lives in dynamic balance with caring about ourselves. We enjoy the fulfillment of being responsive to other people's needs, while also being attentive to our own.

Casually tossing around the co-dependent label may neglect how we are complex beings driven by multiple motivations. If we overlook ourselves in favor of taking care of others, we do a disservice to ourselves. But clinging too securely to our self-reliance, or being too alert about steering clear of co-dependence, we could keep away from the interdependence that enables healthy intimacy and connection. Psychotherapy can be a beneficial way to become more mindful about our motivations and behavior-- and find a smart balance between caring about ourselves and being kind to others.

Chapter 2: How Narcissists Start Abusive, Co-Dependent Relationships

The Mayo Clinic research group defines narcissistic personality disorder as a mental illness in which people have an inflated sense of their own significance and a deep need for affection. Those with narcissistic personality disorder believe that they're superior to others and have little regard for other people's feelings. But behind this mask of ultra-confidence lies a vulnerable self-esteem, susceptible to the smallest criticism.

The Oxford Dictionary defines co-dependency as: "Extreme emotional or psychological reliance