Falling Back in Love: 7 Steps to Saving Your Relationship

Copyright © 2015 by Dr. David R.L. Stevens.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

Scripture taken from the New King James Version. Copyright 1979, 1980, 1982 by Thomas Nelson, inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

Rev. date: 07/08/2015

Xlibris

1-888-795-4274

www.Xlibris.com

714288

Contents

Foreword

Chapter 1 A Perfect Marriage

Chapter 2 Falling Back In Love All Over Again

Chapter 3 Bring Back The Romance

Chapter 4 Break Up To Make Up?

Chapter 5 Locking Doors

Chapter 6 Oh No! Cold Showers Again???

Chapter 7 Memories Old And New

Chapter 8 Kindness Kounts

Chapter 9 So How Is Your Sex Life For Real?

Chapter 10 Let’s Keep It In The House

Chapter 11 What Your Wife Wants You To Know

Chapter 12 Husbands And Their Secrets

Foreword

Listen, my wife and I have personally been happily married for over 50 years. I have been successfully counseling couples for more than 40 years. There are hundreds of marriages still holding together that have used the stuff my wife and I have used, and are healthy and well! I have had the privilege to author 8 relational books, produced a video series, done numerous radio interviews, wrote articles on the subjects of marriage, and healthy relationships, and led numerous national and local seminars and conferences on these same topics.

Just this past weekend it was our unplanned pleasure to sit down at a graduation luncheon where we discovered not only the honoree and her spouse, but 4 other couples who were mentored and married by me. The longest married couple at that event was happy to say it had been 37 years for them.

So, my conclusion is that I do have something very worthwhile to say! Are you ready to listen?

Chapter 1

A Perfect Marriage

Shelley asked me, "What is a perfect marriage?" I had to pause and think for a long while. I thought of Dan and Trumain who have been married forever. They finish each other’s sentences. They also like what each other likes and find each other’s jokes funny. Then, I thought of Frank and Della who are as cool as cool can be. They seemingly float along through life undaunted by very much that comes their way. They are committed to God, each other, and their kids. Then there is Rick and Fawn, longtime partners, who are committed to the Lord, but who have endured a long history with medical problems, but yet their anchor holds. Jorge and Ada, though they were not married as long as Rick and Fawn, but even through their medical challenges, still held steadfastly to their marriage.

When I think about each of these couples and the individuals that make up these twosomes, they’re all so different. They differ in character, disposition, and in many other ways. The Pauls’ are delightful but very different in personalities. He is somewhat tentative about things and she is secure and opinioned. Still they are always able to reach a happy middle ground in their decision-making. The Caldwell’s are not publicly gushy, but their love and devotion to each other cannot be questioned. He is the rock of the family. When he speaks, everybody listens. Della’s easy smile lets you know that she is at ease with her husband’s gentle leadership. They don’t fuss, they don’t fight! On the other hand, Carl and Patty challenge each other on everything. If he says yes, she is probably going to say no. But let no one think that they are not deeply in love. When it comes down to it, they adore each other.

So how do we define real love? Also what is the perfect marriage? What may be perfect to one couple may be rather stressful to another. I think there are many happy couples, who are pretty comfortable with each other, causing them to be settled in their relationships. So, "perfect marriage" may be a rather relative term.

In a previous book I said that the strongest thing that we have going for us is our will. The will is not an organ, but all the organs respond to it. Whatever one determines to do it is very likely to be done. No wonder, the great power emanating from the Bible passage presented in Philippians 4:8. It literally thunders! Whatever things that are true, whatever things are honest, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report; if there be any virtue and if there be any praise, think on these things. Yes, "Think on these things!" Think on these things that really matter like truth, honesty, justice, purity, loveliness, and on all things that give a good report.

As a marriage counselor, I would rather encourage people to forget about trying to have a perfect marriage and strive to be perfectly married. The latter goal works toward settling and narrowing the scope. What I have is what I have! There is no need to look out to find anything else. When you believe that your spouse is perfectly suited to meet your needs, looking outside is not even an option.

I think that this may be a major factor in why some people cheat. They refused to close the door on their relationship; instead they look for a gap-filler. That’s a person who came along and painted a fantasy that seemed to look like they are supplying something that’s missing. This is how so many couples get into trouble. Instead of concentrating on what they have, they concentrate and pine away on what they think they don’t have. That’s how the devil gets into the mix. Trust me if your relationship finds an anchor in the Spirit of God, you actually have everything you need in a spouse. What you don’t have is what you don’t need. Remember a want is not a need!

The Rev. Dawes found so many things to complain about concerning his wife that it was not long before his gap- filler showed up. The other woman seemed to him to be everything that was missing in his wife Mary. So he dumped Mary and went after the gap-filler. Two years later, history was on the move again. Could it be that there were a few things wrong with the good reverend? The gap-filler was his lack of determination to settle. If a person fixes their mind on negative stuff, what else is going to be the outcome?

Remember, your will plays an important role in what follows thereafter. It sets the policy, tone, direction, and determination. My wife and I personally stood over 50 years ago at the marriage altar with our wills set on having a great marriage. In so doing, we determined to do the work involved. Moreover, I like Dr. Charles Myrick’s challenge given to the vast audience of the National Association of the Church of God, Catch the vision - join the work! There is indeed a lot of work to do to make the vision come true. New couples should develop a vision, set goals, and be determined to march to a victorious marriage. Fix your minds from the beginning that this will be a joyous marriage!

Roger and Buenita have been married for a long time. Their marriage in the 1960s raised some eyebrows. Roger is not an African-American but Buenita his adoring wife is. They loved each other from the very start, and were determined to love each other no matter what. They made up their minds that their vision for a good life together was worth all the efforts it would take. Sure, because life is life, they have had ups and downs, but they never lost sight of the prize.

They chose to settle down in a state that discouraged mixed racial marriages and would face some adversities. Through it all they remained determined, even to this day, they still love each other no matter what they have experienced!

Let me make this strong point here about falling back in love: In order to get back to a burning love, we have to start remembering the innocent, first days of love. This is the beginning place to rekindle a romance. Very few people enter into marriage without feeling some kind of romantic love. I say very few, because, there are certainly a few situations that skip romance altogether. But for the most part, most people started their journey with some form of romance.

One exception would be Stanshaska and JoPal who were promised by their parents to each other since their infancy. The agreement between their parents was for them to wed at the age of 19. During the growing up years, the two children hardly knew each other. Since they lived in separate, villages it would be better said that they knew of each other before the actual ceremony. All they really knew was that they had been promised to each other. In their cultural tradition, there was no room for any questions or discussion. It had been all arranged and they were expected to go along with the program. This probably would not happen in our Western culture unless; these folks were living in one of the small sub-cultural groups that operated according to a tradition outside of what we consider the norm.

Another exception would be a throwback from many years ago whereas numerous couples were forced to marry because the woman was pregnant. It did not matter whether they really loved each other or not. The shame of it would not be tolerated. This forced nuptial was known rather un-affectionately as, a shotgun wedding. It still happens today, but not as much because of our relaxed societal morals about such things, and certainly, and sadly, the availability of abortions. Unfortunately abortion has become like an eraser on the end of the pencil.

About the same time that abortions were on the rise there was a brief shift in the trend. Liberal media aired the Murphy Brown TV program, featuring a single career woman seeking a sperm donor. This, according to the script, was to prevent permanent involvement or attachment to a man. Former Vice President Dan Quail spoke out in 1992 about the programs’ brazen attempt to go against the traditional, societal, norm of a two parent marital union. Vice President Quail found out he was like a salmon swimming upstream. Unlike the salmon, Quail was stopped short in his journey to uphold traditional Christian values. In fact his comments were viewed as so outlandish, and out of touch by a liberal hostile media that he was struck out with one swing from his possible