Living The Five Skills of Tolerance: A User's Manual for Today's World

Living The

Five Skills

of

Tolerance

A User’s Manual For Today’s World

Scott Warrick

Copyright © 2021, Scott Warrick

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by

any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical (including any information

storage retrieval system) without the express written permission from

the author, except in the case of brief quotations for use in articles and

reviews wherein appropriate attribution of the source is made.

Published in the United States by

Ignite Press

5070 N 6th St. #189

Fresno, CA 93710

www.IgnitePress.us

ISBN 979-8-9850430-0-6

ISBN 979-8-9850430-1-3 (hardcover)

ISBN 979-8-9850430-2-0 (ebook)

For bulk purchases and booking, contact:

Scott Warrick

www.scottwarrick.com

[email protected]

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, web addresses or links contained in this book may have been changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The content of this book and all expressed opinions are those of the author and do not reflect the publisher or the publishing team.

The author is solely responsible for all content included herein.

Library of Congress Control Number: 2021903666

Cover design by Nenad Cvetkovski

Edited by Reid Maruyama

Interior design by Jetlaunch Layout Services

OTHER BOOKS BY SCOTT WARRICK

Solve Employee Problems Before They Start:

Resolving Conflicts In The Real World

This book is dedicated to the finest, most unselfish human I have ever known, my late little brother, Kelly, who passed away in January 2018 at the young age of 53. His great sense of humor and his constant kindness was a huge inspiration for me as I wrote this book. His humanity towards others was so great that at his funeral, a police officer had to direct traffic due to the multitudes of people who wanted to pay their last respects to this truly great man.

Kelly now watches over everything I do and was certainly helping me find the right words to put into this project to hopefully outline a better way for we humans to live. I would never want to do anything that might disappoint him.

I think he would be proud of this book.

Acknowledgments

I want to thank my 30-plus proofers who proofread this book to help me make it as balanced as possible for everyone.

I also want to thank my cousin, Beth Sheets, for creating the original concept art for the whimsical stick people who look so happy all together on the front cover, with me in the middle of my brothers, sisters, and cousins.

I also want to thank Nenad Cvetkovski, the winner of the international contest to design the front cover of this book. Nenad, who is Serbian, is a single father. My thanks to his talent and his cooperative nature as I constantly made little adjustments to his work.

And finally, but most importantly, I want to thank my wife Lisa and sons Michael and Nicholas who actually had to live with me as I researched, wrote, and obsessed over this book for over a decade. Too many parts were just too overwhelming and disturbing to bear … and I know I tortured them more than necessary. Thanks again, with my apologies and all my love.

Scott/Dad

Table of Contents

Introduction

Chapter 1: Opening

Chapter 2: The Macro Case for the Five Skills of Tolerance

Chapter 3: The Micro Case for the Five Skills of Tolerance

Chapter 4: Skill #1: Develop Your Emotional Intelligence

Chapter 5: Skill #2: Overcome Your Subconscious Brain & Resolve Conflict (EPR)

Chapter 6: Skill #3: Identify & Stop Bullying

Chapter 7: Skill #4: Understand Real Differences Versus Stereotypes & Myths

Chapter 8: Skill # 5: Don’t Be an ENABLER!

Closing Thoughts

Review Inquiry

Will You Share the Love?

Would You Like Scott Warrick to Speak to Your Organization?

Endnotes

Bibliography

About the Author

Introduction

It took me 11 years to complete this book, but it is not the first book I published. I actually made a conscious decision to publish my previous book, Solve Employee Problems Before They Start: Resolving Conflict in the Real World, first for a very specific reason. It examines EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE (or EI) and EPR in great detail. If you didn’t read it, that’s okay; we will discuss EPR skills briefly in this book. And for those of you who don’t know, EPR stands for Empathic Listening, Parroting, and Rewards, which is how you should address and resolve conflicts in any situation. Whenever you use your EI and EPR skills together, I call that Verbal Jeet.

In plain language, my first book examines the most important life skill anyone can ever possess:

To Address and Resolve Conflict.

It is the primary prerequisite for being a leader and building positive relationships. Everything else is secondary.

This book you are reading right now, as well as all the books I have lined up to publish in the future, form a hub and spoke design. Solve Employee Problems Before They Start: Resolving Conflict in the Real World came first because it is the hub of all my books. It lays the foundation for all my future books by taking an in-depth look at developing your emotional intelligence so you can address and resolve conflicts at work and in your personal life, both which require using your EPR skills. Those two skills form the foundation for everything to come.

In fact, you will notice that the first two skills in the Five Skills of Tolerance focus largely on the EI and EPR skills.

In my seminars, I tell the managers, supervisors, and executives point blank, If you cannot address and resolve conflict, you need to get out of management. You cannot be a leader. Addressing and resolving conflict is the most important skill you will ever need in dealing with people. If you cannot do that, then you need to find something else to do in this organization.

Living The Five Skills of Tolerance builds on my first book. In this book, we are going to look at the five critical skills we all need to master to become more tolerant people. In a world where bullying each other has become so commonplace that between 70% and 85% of employees report that they hate their jobs and are miserable at work, it is time to adopt real, practical changes in how we view and treat each other.

In today’s world, we tend to attack each other just for having a different opinion, and it has to stop, regardless of who is committing the attack.  It is all wrong.

Think of it this way:  If one extremist goes 180 degrees to the right and attacks you, and if another extremist goes 180 degrees to the left and also attacks you, they will meet in the middle and become the same. If you are going to get punched in the face, do you really care if it is from the left or from the right?

What I discuss in this book is not a White thing, a Black thing, a Jewish thing, or a gay thing. It is a human thing.

Therefore, this book is a User’s Manual for all humans who want to live in a better world, which must start with one person  at a time.

1

Opening

When I first started conducting my Skills of Tolerance program, I remember thinking how much everyone would love it. It went right to the core of who we are as humans and how we can all become better people by addressing these core beliefs:

We are all human beings, and that means we all share the same curse of human neurology, which includes the fight or flight response.

No one should be bullied because they are different.

No one should be stereotyped or labeled with a myth because of their skin color or any other demographic for that matter.

No one should be denied a job because of their demographics, such as race, gender, ethnicity, religion, disability, height, and so on.

Racism and bigotry are wrong, no matter who is doing it.

Diversity, tolerance, and inclusion are issues that affect us all, regardless of our differences.

Everyone should be able to go to work every day in an environment that is safe.

I mean, everyone will surely agree with these statements, right? Well, let me tell you: I was wrong.

To my amazement, I quickly discovered that there are some people out there who are really offended by what I now call my controversial statements. Not only did I have some people openly attack me for making some of these comments, but I would sometimes have death threats waiting for me by the time I got back to my office. I quickly saw that teaching this material was dangerous stuff. Unfortunately, what I thought were wonderfully tolerant statements actually lit the flames of hatred in some people.

For example, consider the U.S. Supreme Court’s decision in 2020 that gave protected class status to homosexual and transgender employees under Title VII of the 1964 Civil Rights Act. To many people, this decision was very disturbing, much like it was back in 1964 when Congress gave protected class status to everyone regarding their color, national origin, race, religion, and sex. As often happens in the face of such major legal and societal change, the bigots tend to rebel. Will they actually have to work with homosexuals? Will they have to share bathrooms with transgender people? When such changes occur, unfortunately, exercising their bigoted intolerance towards others becomes fair game. Intolerance often increases when someone does not agree with the way society is going. This helps to explain why employment law is now one of the busiest areas of the law in this country.

This should tell you why I now refer to these statements as being controversial. They all sound good, until we start discussing someone you don’t approve of or don’t want to work beside. These statements become controversial when they apply to those people.

In other words, we are all very tolerant of people we like.

But what do you think? Were you offended by any of those statements? If not, what do you think of these?

Not all White people are blatant racists or White supremacists.

The White guys alive today did not implement the institutionalized systems of bigotry that are in place today.

Not all White guys support the institutionalized systems of bigotry that exist today.

Do you agree with these statements, or are all those White guys the same? If so, you might need to read this book twice, because, unfortunately, you might very well be the biggest bigot in the room.

By the end of this book, I want you to not only agree with all of these controversial statements, but I also want us all to stop focusing on the fact that the person sitting next to you is White, Black, old, young, Democrat or Republican, and so on. Instead, I want us all to start focusing on the one main factor we all share: We Are All Human Beings.

Who Am I? A White Guy Who Teaches Tolerance

I am not someone who you typically expect to see conducting your tolerance program. Actually, I am a White, Anglo-Saxon Protestant straight male who conducts tolerance training.

What is the normal response of people when they learn what I do for a living? I’ll give you an example.

Recently, I was flying to California to present this program for one of my clients. Since there are not many direct flights from Columbus, Ohio to Oakland, California, I had to pick up a connecting flight out of Chicago. On my flight into Chicago, I sat next to a young African American woman. We started talking and she told me she was in Columbus for the day on business.

She then asked me where I was going. I told her I was going to Oakland to conduct a training class for my client. She asked me what kind of training I did, so I told her, I conduct tolerance and diversity training.

She immediately arched an eyebrow and cocked her head to the right as she asked me, "YOU conduct diversity training?"

I smiled, looked at her, and said, Surprise!

Her response IS the norm.

Unfortunately, I get this type of reaction all the time, especially from diversity experts and at diversity conferences. In fact, I am often asked, What could you know about diversity? You’re White. Of course, since I am a White guy, I am also the bad guy.

And yes, such comments are more than just a little bit racist, in case you were wondering.

Please understand, not everyone feels that way. In fact, most people probably don’t feel that way at all. However, these racist sentiments are quite prevalent in our world, and since I am heavily involved in the diversity field, I hear them all the time.

For about 40 years now, I have been in human resources, and for the last 25 years I have also been a practicing employment and labor law attorney, where 90% of my practice is related to civil rights. For over 20 years now, I have had my own private practice where I get to tackle the issues that interest me most, many of which are related to teaching my Five Skills of Tolerance program. The skills I teach in the program reflect the way I try to live my life. I consider them part of my religious beliefs.

I did not go into this area of the law by accident. It is my passion. I believe that all human beings deserve basic civil rights. Unfortunately, there are always people out there wanting to take these rights away from others for their own personal satisfaction or personal gain.

Since 1994, I have been a professional presenter on many different topics. So, it was a natural fit for me to start conducting programs on civil rights, diversity, and tolerance. My logic has always been that if we could get employees to treat each other in a civil manner, we could actually prevent many of the legal and harassment or bullying issues that happen all around us.

Actually, since I started teaching these principles within the last two decades, I have come to the following conclusion:

Much of what traditional diversity programs teach is wrong…and sometimes illegal.

Unfortunately, I have seen many aspects of traditional diversity, tolerance, and inclusion programs, which I will simply refer to as D&I programs, fail. If you have paid any attention at all to what is going on in the United States and across the planet in recent years, you have seen that our workplaces and the world need a new way of designing these programs...and we need it now.

Putting the Cart Before the Horse

Skill-Based Tolerance

v.

Cultural-Based Tolerance

D&I programs traditionally focus their attention on cultural issues. That means we typically bring people in and train them in some specific culture, which is usually a group of people the organization is dealing with at that time, such as Hispanics, or African Americans, or older folks and younger folks, and so on.

While this is a nice thing to do for those certain groups, it is a huge mistake when you are launching your D&I program. Why? Because there is no possible way anyone could address all the different types of cultures your employees will encounter.

Think of it this way: If an organization trained its employees in sexism, Japanese culture, Chinese culture, and ageism, for example, which would represent quite a bit of training, then what are they supposed to do when they encounter someone from England or someone who is Muslim? Do they simply say: Oh, wait! I haven’t had that class yet!

Do you see how ridiculous it is to approach D&I this way? In any given week, there are hundreds of different viewpoints we encounter from dozens of different types of people. Are we going to train our people to be conscientious of each nuance of everyone’s different point of view? Such a task is impossible.

What makes this cultural approach to D&I even more absurd is that within every culture, there are many different points of view. What exactly is Black culture? What do older people think? What are homosexuals like? In reality, there is not one culture on earth where all the people share the same beliefs and values, which makes focusing any D&I program on understanding various cultures even more confusing.

The futility of such an approach should be self-evident, and yet it is pretty much the universal method by which we teach diversity in this country. This is another reason why so many D&I programs simply fail.

Interestingly, in the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission’s 2016 report, The EEOC Select Task Force on the Study of Harassment in the Workplace, the EEOC said that the way we conduct harassment training in this country is all wrong. In fact, the EEOC says we are really doing more harm than good by the way we teach these topics. I agree.

The EEOC said that our focus needs to be more on building skills so we can create an environment of workplace civility, which means focusing on such topics as trust, tolerance, and conflict resolution.

Again, I agree with the EEOC’s conclusions entirely and I have been teaching these principles for over 20 years. We need to start building everyone’s skills, just like the EEOC is now promoting. In fact, teaching courses in proper conflict management and emotional intelligence (or self-control) in our schools has reduced the number of fights by 69 percent, bullying by 75 percent, and harassment by 67 percent. This certainly brings more truth to the old Robert Fulghum book, All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten.¹

The logic here is simple: If you learn the necessary skills, then you will be able to handle most situations that come your way. It is a lot like learning self-defense. You don’t learn self-defense against little people, big people, Asians, White guys, and so on. You learn self-defense. Regardless of whomever you encounter, you will be able to handle the situation.

It is like the old teach-a-man to fish strategy. If I give a man a fish (or teach him about a specific culture), then I have fed him for the day. But if I can teach you the Five Skills of Tolerance, then you can feed yourself in perpetuity. You will be able to effectively deal with anyone you encounter.

Over the last couple decades, I have pared these skills down to the ones that I have seen as being the most critical to create that culture of civility the EEOC is so desperately trying to institute in this country. These Five Skills of Tolerance are:

Develop Your Emotional Intelligence

Overcome Your Subconscious Brain & Resolve Conflict (EPR)

Identify & Stop Bullying

Understand Real Differences vs. Stereotypes

Don’t Be an Enabler!

These Five Skills of Tolerance need to be taught to all your employees, as we are going to outline in this book, and then adopted as part of your organization’s culture. They should then be your guiding principles. Everyone must learn these skills. They must be coached and then enforced. These five skills should never be seen as a stand-alone program, which means you teach them and then move onto something else. Instead, these are skills that apply to everything you do, such as your leadership, employee relations, customer service, safety, and so on. These skills should be integrated into everything the organization does where people have to communicate with each other, which is pretty much everything. They should be used to more effectively address and resolve your conflicts with anyone, regardless of the other person’s beliefs or demographics.

Unfortunately, that is not the norm. It is rare that you hear someone say, Oh, yes! We have a strong tolerance and diversity program at work. It trained me to be a better leader, provide better customer service, have a safer work environment, and how to deal with anyone who is different from me. I used these skills to get promoted.

Such a response should be the norm, but it is not. Instead, D&I programs are often viewed as simply being politically correct fads or as necessary evils in an ever-changing world. They are often not seen as being an integral part of an organization’s business model that will help it reach its strategic goals. Rebecca Hastings, the online editor/manager for the Society for Human Resource Management at the time, or SHRM, the world’s largest human resource professional association, published an article entitled, Should Diversity Pay the Price in an Unstable Economy? After interviewing various diversity leaders and experts, Ms. Hastings made it clear that when the economy takes a downturn, these programs are among the first to go. Why? Because the D&I program was never defined in a way that really tied it to how it could help the organization reach its strategic goals. It is a nice thing to do when times are good, but when times are bad, we dump them.

However, you don’t see companies dropping their safety, customer service or sales training programs in a tough economy. Why? Because these programs are tied directly to the strategic goals of the organization, so their value is understood. This is just not the case with many D&I programs, though it ought to be.

When the COVID-19 crisis hit the world and the economy plummeted again, those organizations with strong D&I programs that were tied directly to promoting employee engagement and building a safe work environment were able to survive much better than those who had