THE ART OF BALANCE: Mastering Timeless Chinese Wisdom for Thriving Relationships

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Part One Gentleness: The poise and cultivation of entering the world

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Chapter 1 Close But Not Disordered: Maintaining a sense of distance is basic respect for others

Do not cross the line with strangers, and do not overstep boundaries with acquaintances.

Chinese people have always paid attention to propriety. Before interacting with others, we will set boundaries in our hearts. Although it is intangible, it should not be underestimated. For example, we will measure the relationship between each other to determine which circle to include the other person. When facing strangers and acquaintances, we will maintain different interpersonal distances, and the way we choose to interact will also be slightly different.

However, some people have a wider personal space, and their circle of friends can accommodate more people. They always quickly get along with others. Even if you haven’t known them for a long time, you will have the illusion that they have been your good friends for many years. We call these people ‘sociable’.

‘I’ and ‘you’ quickly become ‘us’, largely due to the ‘credit’ of being ‘familiar’. People who are good at being ‘familiar’ not only have good relationships with others but also often have good luck around them. No wonder many people see ‘familiarity ' as an essential skill, whether or not they are naturally equipped with the ability to be ‘familiar’, they are eager to play the role of being ‘familiar’ in order to be more likable in social interactions.

But the problem of being ‘overly friendly ’ can also be very vexing for people because being overly familiar can easily lead to crossing boundaries in interpersonal relationships. More accurately, those who are ‘overly friendly ‘ often make others feel abrupt and offended because they fail to maintain appropriate interpersonal distance and do not strictly follow the process of interpersonal communication. Especially when encountering strangers who are slow to warm up, your ‘overly friendly‘ behavior can be a painful ordeal for them.

Recently, Chen Xian unfortunately encountered an 'overly familiar' neighbor.

Last month, Chen Xian just moved to a new house, things are not well organized yet. The old lady next door stuck her head out and stared at her, 'Girl, you just moved in, right? From now on, we are neighbors. If you need anything,just let me know!'

Chen Xian was touched by the harmony between neighbors, quickly smiled and said 'thank you' several times.

After a while, there was a knock on the door. Chen Xian opened the door and saw the neighbor from across the hall. She said she wanted to come in and take a look around. She walked around the room, constantly saying, 'Young girls really love beauty, the room is decorated so beautifully. Did you buy this house or are you renting it?'

Hearing that Chen Xian bought the house herself, the old lady praised her and asked, 'Where do you work? How much do you earn in a month?' When she said she worked as a teacher in a piano store, the old lady's eyes lit up: 'Then teach my daughter.'

'Our music school is not far,' Chen Xian suggested, 'You can take the kid to the music school to sign up.'

'The music school is definitely expensive, so I'll go with you.' said the old lady without hesitation, 'Just make time for an hour every day. We are considered acquaintances now, and we will definitely need to help each other in the future. If you can help for free, that would be the best.'

Chen Xian complained in front of her friends, how familiar

can she be with someone she just met minutes ago? I thought I

would get along well with a friendly neighbor, but she turned out to be so rude, not considering others at all. She really doesn't treat herself as an outsider.

Psychological studies have found that what bothers us is often not indifference, but excessive enthusiasm, lacking boundaries and a sense of distance.

Dazai Osamu said in No Longer Human: What is called passion is ignoring the other person’s position. Those overly familiar people are often unpopular because they have not mastered the boundaries of interpersonal communication, have not maintained a certain interpersonal distance, and have failed to handle their interactions properly, causing various troubles to others.

Although to some extent, familiarity breeds affection is the catalyst of emotions, showing extraordinary enthusiasm at the first meeting can easily cause embarrassment to one party under the unknown situation. Especially in modern society, most people pay attention to personal space and possess a strong sense of personal space awareness. Even when with acquaintances, they will maintain a certain social distance, not to mention completely unfamiliar strangers. The ‘over-familiarity’ of strangers often makes people more alert and guarded in their hearts.

The interaction between people requires a sense of distance, which is a kind of respect for each other. In simple terms, don’t overstep boundaries with strangers, and don’t cross the line with acquaintances.

When we are still strangers to each other, if we want to cultivate emotions, we should seek gradual progress. After all, any stable relationship cannot be built in a short period of time. We should all understand the principle of haste makes waste. If we try to shape a passionate appearance in order to gain others’ trust and benefits through clever means, it is only a temporary acquaintance, not a lifelong friendship. True friends are often not determined by the intimacy of the first meeting. As the saying goes, the road ahead reveals the horse’s strength, and time reveals a person’s true heart.

Even with familiar acquaintances, it is necessary to maintain a sense of distance and boundaries. Even between parents and children, husbands and wives, one should also maintain an appropriate private space, not intruding on others’ personal space without permission. This is a basic etiquette and necessary discretion.

Remember, do not overstep the boundaries with strangers, and do not cross the line with acquaintances. Keep this rule in mind, so that everyone can feel comfortable and at ease when interacting with others.

Maintain some distance, it is both respect and protection.

What is the closest distance between people? Is it being extremely close? Is it being inseparable? The answer might not be so.

Two hedgehogs huddled together to keep warm because of the cold, but because they each had spines,if they got too close, they could easily prick each other. However, if they stayed too far apart, they couldn’t achieve the desired warming effect. After several attempts, the two hedgehogs finally found the right distance, which could warm each other without being pricked by the spines. This ‘appropriate distance’ is actually the ideal distance when people interact with each other. In psychology, this phenomenon is known as the ‘psychological distance effect,’ also known as the ‘hedgehog’s dilemma.’

Everyone is actually like a hedgehog, in need of warmth and companionship, but at the same time also need a space that others cannot violate. Interacting with others, the closer the relationship does not necessarily mean the better. Even if two people have a deep friendship, it is important to maintain a certain distance and keep a proper boundary. Otherwise, it may actually cause harm to the other person and cast a shadow over the precious friendship.

Jiang Na and Liu Yi are a pair of close girlfriends, with a very intimate relationship. The two have been neighbors since they were young, attended the same elementary, middle, andhigh school classes, and even sat togetherfor a few years. Although they did not attend the same university, they are still in the same city, and not far apart. Every weekend,they almost always make plans to go shopping and eat together. Whether it's Jiang Na or Liu Yi, they both consider each other as their best friend, and firmly believe that this sisterhood will last forever.

After graduating from college, Jieang Na and Liu Yi rented a suite together, went through the interview process together, and ended up in the same department of the same company.

However, Jieang Na was placed in Group A, while Liu Yi was placed in Group B. The relationship and fate of these two girls are truly admirable.

Group A and Group B belong to the same department, but there is a certain competitive relationship between them. Of course, whether it is Jang Na or Liu Yi, neither of them thinks that work competition will affect their friendship in life. Until one time, in order to compete for a promotion opportunity, the two group leaders needed to each make a set of planning to compete for a project.Surprisingly, the planning of the two groups actually 'collided', with both the planning direction and promotional strategies being remarkably similar. As a result, Group B, who spoke later, naturally suffered a big loss and lost the competition.

Afterwards, although everyone did not say anything onthe surface, they all subtly asked Liu Yi in a roundabout way, whether she accidentally leaked the content of the plan to Jiang Na, even the team leader had a private conversation with Liu Yi.

Although Liu Yi trusts Jiang Na very much, this matter is too coincidental after all, and Liu Yi can't help but feel a little shaken in her heart. Usually at home, because the two have a good relationship, although they each have their own bedroom, they both don't have the habit of locking the door. Several times, when Liu Yi came back from outside, she met Jiang Na coming out of her bedroom, saying she needed to borrow nail polish or a hairdryer. Usually, this kind of thing is very common, and Liu Yi didn't think much of it, but now that everyone is talking about it, she can't help but have some doubts.

After this incident, there was always a knot in Liu Yi's

heart, and gradually developed the habit of locking the door. Although Jiang Na didn't say anything,not long after, Liu Yi found that her bedroom door was also locked. Although everything seemed unchanged on the surface, Jiang Na and Liu Yi were still playing the drama of 'sisterhood', but those two locked doors seemed to be like two locked hearts, gradually drifting away.

Distance is a kind of beauty, as well as a kind of protection, protecting others while also protecting oneself. In this world, the most complicated thing is the human heart. Even with a lover or a close relative, you cannot completely see through each other. Maintaining distance actually creates a buffer space for each other’s feelings, while also allowing oneself to have a safe and completely trustworthy zone. This is beneficial for the establishment and development of emotions for each other.

When two people get along too closely, it is easy to forget the boundaries, speak without restraint, and language is often the easiest ‘weapon’ to hurt others. In fact, many people have had such experience and realization: the closer you get to someone, the easier it is to have friction and conflicts. Sometimes, the longer the relationship goes on, the more you realize that it is not as easy and comfortable as it was in the beginning. This is why many couples feel harmonious when in love, but after marriage, contradictions tend to increase.

The best emotion should achieve a balance of ‘intimacy with space’, having a certain amount of space and room, in order to better hold hands and move forward together. Understanding how to maintains distance, paying attention to boundaries when interacting, is not only a sign of respect for each other, but also a way of protecting each other.

So, what kind of distance is the ‘ideal distance’? There is no specific standard, it needs to be adjusted based on the relationship and emotions between each other, if the relationship is close and the emotions are deep, the ‘ideal distance’ will naturally be relatively close. However, remember, there is a bottom line that cannot be crossed, and that is -respect for other people’s privacy. No matter how close the interpersonal relationship is, even if it is between parents and children, husband and wife, brothers and sisters, boundaries cannot be crossed.

Love, once boundaries are lost, is like being trapped.

In this world, the most intimate and moving relationship is none other than the love between parents and children. Even between parents and children, a balanced distance is needed to ensure that stability of attraction is not replaced by repulsion. Even the deepest love in this world, once boundaries are lost, can make one feel trapped.

Parents are the guides and protectors of children in their growth, but if parents lack a sense of distance and privacy awareness,over protection or interference with children may lead to the development of a dependent character and immature behavior in the child. Children are the future and hope of their parents, but if children do not understand boundaries and constantly make excessive demands on their parents, then parents will feel exhausted,tired, and experience negative emotions such as anger. When these negative emotions reach their peak, various conflicts and contradictions will arise between parents and children,and even the deepest emotions will be worn away.

Yaohui is a late-born child. His mother had poor health in her early years and took medication for several years before giving birth to him at the age of 32. Since childhood,as the only child, he has enjoyed the wholehearted love and care of his parents, especially his mother. She is like his personal nanny, considering every aspect of his life, including clothing, food, shelter, and transportation. To this day, Yaohui has never washed a piece of clothing, let alone do other household chores.

In the second year of high school, his mom noticed that Yao Hui had something on his mind, so she secretly read his diary. After finding out that her son liked a girl, his mom went to the school to cause a scene. Later, Yao Hui stopped writing in his diary, became silent and reticent, and his mom began to understand him through tracking. When Yao Hui expressed dissatisfaction with everything his mom had done, she asked back, 'I just want to know what you are doing, what you are thinking, what's wrong with that?'

In order to escape from his mother's control, Yaohui chose to live on campus when he went to college. This was his first time living independently, but he was used to a life where everything was readily available to him, he could not take care of himself at school, couldn't go to the cafeteria to get food, couldn't do laundry... Moreover, he felt that others should serve him, but no one would accommodate him like his mother did. He could only keep complaining to his family.

After graduating, Yao Hui encountered several obstacles when looking for a job, so he simply stayed at home and did not go out. Once his parents nagged him a few words,Yao Hui would retort, 'It's your fault for not having the ability to find me a good job!'

What is the reason that made Yaohui say such words? Is it all Yaohui’s fault? In fact, it’s more the fault of the parents.

Influenced by traditional ideas, most parents think that the closer the parent-child relationship, the better. In order to obtain this intimacy, parents, under the banner of ‘love’, give children many material rewards, thinking that this is what children need most; they instill in children some ‘self-righteous’ ideas, thinking that this is the most correct; they do many things for children,even interfere arbitrarily, thinking that this is the deepest love.

There is an impressive sentence in a book: ‘The most frightening thing is to cultivate a child’s happiness with the happiness of parents.‘ This sentence is worth every parent’s deep consideration. Many times, we impose our own understanding of happiness on our children, sparing no effort to help them achieve it, but it is sad to say that: our own happiness does not bring happiness to our children, but instead plants hidden dangers for their healthy growth.

Every child is an independent individual, not an accessory of parents, and must maintain an appropriate distance from each other. Generally speaking, children around two weeks old begin to have a vague self-awareness and a concept of self-independence on many things, such as ‘this thing is mine’ ‘what I want to do ’ … With their age grow older, this awareness will become clearer and clearer.

Here, we can measure parent-child relationships with distance.

From birth to the age of 5 - zero distance. In these years, in the world of most children, there are almost only parents.

6-12 years old - The distance between home and school. At this time, most children no longer like to stay with their parents all day.

A generation gap between the ages of 12 and 18. Children at this stage are going through adolescence and most of them like to oppose their parents in everything.

Ages 18 to 35 - Growing apart due to studying, working, and starting families.

After the age of 35, children slowly understand the difficulties of their parents and start to care for them again.

At different stages, the distance between parents and children is different. Both parties can only grow and mature more easily when they stand in the right position. To achieve this, parents need to view their children as friends, listen to their voices calmly, understand their thoughts, respect their opinions, and always maintain an equal position with their children, discussing and finding ways that are suitable for one another. Only by doing so can the parent-child relationship be closely connected.

There is a saying about parent-child relationship called the distance of a bowl of soup, which means literally stewing a soup and serving it to the child’s home just at the right temperature to drink, too close it’s too hot, too far it’s too cold. Being close but not sticking too tightly, often meeting each other, both maintaining a certain distance and having private space, this kind of love with boundaries is the ideal distance in an intimate relationship.

Everyone is an independent individual life, even the closest relationship should pay attention to maintaining boundaries. Love each other, do not interfere with each other, this is the best relationship.

Victim’s logic: My suffering stems from your lack of effort.

You must have heard a saying: ‘it’s a favor of others to help you, but if they don’t, it’s normal’. However, in real life, there are always many people who confuse kindness with duty, treat other people’s kindness as their duty, and even feel wronged and painful because the other party is unwilling to give, as if they are the victims.

What is affection? It is the emotions between people, the kindness and care given to others. What is duty? It is the responsibility and obligation that one should fulfill.

Many people always have too many expectations for romantic relationships, taking others’ care and love for granted, just like the care they received from their parents. They instinctively expect others to take on responsibilities and reap benefits themselves, even feeling pain and hurt when they do not receive others’ efforts and concessions. But where in the world can there be something that enjoys benefits without having to take on responsibilities?

‘I’m sick, why don’t you help me bring food?’

‘I want to write an article, your writing is obviously very good, can you help?’

‘We’re going the same way, why didn’t you offer to walk me home?’

…

Such complaints are probably heard by many people. Those who make such complaints are often self-centered and often ignore the feelings of others. They criticize others from their own perspective, complain about the actions of others, naturally take others’ affection for granted, and demand others’ efforts without any sense of proportion. But they forget that everyone is an independent individual, and no one needs to unconditionally sacrifice for another.

What’s more, everyone has their own difficulties. If you turn a blind eye to others’ difficulties and show no concern, why should you expect others to help you repeatedly without asking for anything in return? If a person always wants help regardless of the occasion, time, or importance, and takes others’ help for granted without a sense of gratitude or empathy, then I’m afraid they won’t be able to establish long-lasting relationships with anyone.

When Lin Wei and Pang Xin just met, they felt that their values were similar and they had a lot in common. They could chat casually about anything. However, later on, Lin Wei gradually discovered that whenever Pang Xin was feeling down or unhappy with work, he would come to him to vent, claiming it was for help. At first, Lin Wei was willing to lend a hand, but Pang Xin always contacted him regardless of the time, sometimes during a busy department meeting on Monday morning, sometimes at three or four in the morning.

Lin Wei does not have the habit of turning off his phone, it is almost on 24 hours a day. Later, when Lin Wei is busy with important matters or sleeping, in order to avoid Pang Xin's disturbances, he will mute his phone in advance, after all, he does not have that much time and energy to deal with other people's affairs. Eventually, Lin Wei even bluntly said to Pang Xin: Adults must learn to handle their own problems, instead of blindly seeking help from others.

Because of this matter, Lin Wei was also complained by Pang Xin: I didn't ask you to do anything, just wanted you to be a listener. You don't even want to help with such a small matter, really not thoughtful!