अंतर्मौन - Antarmaun - the inner silence - 15

I am fielding a health issue and am unable to respond, please reach out to …. For everything… 

This is the message I sent to a number of people last couple of weeks…

I fell ill, the worst in many years and decades I must say… worst not in terms of just intensity but also how ill equipped I was, to handle myself all over again. Considering that I have lived with so much knowledge about my condition and I have a pattern to look back to. So many stories of, that worked that year and that changed over the years…

I was disappointed with my body, the body I nurtured for 46 years tirelessly. I have spent so much time and energy in keeping it from falling ill from its own measures… and I was tiered. 

In these years I never actually questioned why me? I didn’t even questioned what my body demanded or how it was. I made adjustments. I set small targets, I took longer routes, I walked the paths nobody liked so the inefficiencies of my body aren’t discovered in competitive day light. I did not strive for things it did not like or could expose its inadequacies… I stayed watchful for it to live and work the way it pleased.

I went in to extreme irritability and annoyance over how dis serving my body has been in response to the services I provided to it. 

What if humans did not need a body to be alive… what if my being was not trapped in this shell that is always full of pain.

The whole lot of acceptance that I had developed for my body went upside down last few weeks. The willingness to stay in the body and with the body just disappeared.

Today I questioned why me, why is it happening to me what have I done to deserve this. I asked my mother why did I end in this body… She reminded me how this same body has been kind to me…

How it supported me while I was still forming, how it is not without a body that the mind exists …

For the mind to thrive you need a career and that your body has done well…

She reminded me why I should still be serving my body, by 

"शरीरमाद्यं खलु धर्मसाधनम्”, 

Sharira madhyam khalu dharm sadhanam

Meaning

The body indeed is the primary instrument in achieving dharma (your purpose/nature)

While I understand that, I just felt deeply betrayed by my body…

She (my mother), though pulled me back in to most important part of the discussion… what did this betrayal result in… I lost time, I said. I am in pain, I said… 

She maintained that its not done yet… I am not done yet… 

you have at least 40 more years with this body, she said… 

मन के हारे हार है मन के जीते जीत

Man ke hare har hai aur man ke jeete jeet... 

To win or loose are mare mind games, we win when our mind believes and we loose when it does…

This changed my perspective a little… I am sulking but, I am not done with my body… it will have to revive and support me 40 more years. I will not let it easily go in to its patterns and give me more pain…

I will guard myself against its next cycle and win it …

I am not out of the woods but I dont want to keep from working just because my body is frail… it will have to respond to what I want to do… it will have to follow my mind…

Wish me luck…

Note : I look like my mother, at least I smile like her... I am immensely lucky to have a mother like her in my life...

the picture is very old but it shows how similar we look