The Courage to Choose: Why Letting Go Feels So Hard and How to Move Forward

We all reach moments when something inside whispers, “It’s time.”

Time to shift. To leave what’s familiar. To open the door to something with more possibility, alignment, or ease.

And yet… we hesitate.

This isn’t laziness or self-sabotage. It’s a normal response from a system wired to survive, not evolve. Your nervous system doesn’t evaluate risk like a spreadsheet, it assesses safety. And safety often sounds like stay where it’s familiar, even if it’s heavy.

I’m currently in that space, contemplating a move from the countryside into town. One part of me lights up at the idea: more connection, stimulation, and simplicity. Another part grips tightly: What if I lose the stillness and space that grounds me?

And underneath that is something deeper: the part of me that’s tired of negotiating between work, family, and self, trying to get the formula "right." Every part is trying to protect something important.

This is what real change feels like.

Why Change Activates Us

According to Polyvagal Theory, our nervous system is always scanning for safety or danger. This process, Neuroception, happens below conscious awareness. It determines which physiological state we’re in:

• Ventral vagal: calm, clear, connected (our best decision-making state)
• Sympathetic: agitated, driven, anxious (fight/flight energy)
• Dorsal vagal: disconnected, fatigued, overwhelmed (Shutdown)

When we face change, we often move into survival states. And in these states, new choices feel dangerous, even if they’re the path to something better.

Layer in IFS (Internal Family Systems), and it becomes clearer: We’re not just one “self” making a choice, we’re a system of parts, each with a role. Some are hopeful. Others are cautious. Some are locked in stories from the past. They all want what’s best for us, but they don’t always agree.

Real Clients. Real Crossroads. Real Inner Conflict.

1. A Business Pivot — From Place to Online

One client is considering closing their beautiful physical location and going fully digital. On paper, it makes sense, lower costs, more freedom. But inside? They’re grieving. A part of them feels like they’re losing their identity. Another part fears becoming invisible in a noisy online world.

So, we didn’t push the decision. We paused. We regulated. We listened.

Only then could clarity emerge from ‘Self” - not fear.

2. Letting Go of People-Pleasing

Another client, a senior leader, is beginning to say “no” more often. For years, she said “yes” to avoid conflict or disappointment. A part of her believed pleasing others kept her safe. But it also left her exhausted and resentful.

Now, she’s discovering something powerful: Boundaries don’t disconnect us. They make real connection possible.

Each time she honours her truth, it feels risky, but also strengthening. Her nervous system is learning that authenticity can be safe, and feeling safe improves her health!

This Isn’t Just About Comfort, It’s About Your Health and Future

The decisions we make today, whether to change, stay, pivot, pause, don’t just shape our careers. They shape our wellness and ‘healthspan’.

Not just how long we live (lifespan), but how well we live. How much energy we have for our lives. How clearly we think. How deeply we connect. How meaningfully we lead.

Chronic stress, overdrive, people-pleasing, or staying in misaligned roles can quietly shorten our ‘healthspan’, even if we seem “successful” on the surface.

The good news? You can choose a different path, one aligned with your health, values, and vision.

5 Practical Steps to Support Wise Decision-Making

1. Pause and Notice Your Nervous System State

Before making a decision, take a moment to ask:

“How safe do I feel right now, not in my thoughts, but in my body?”

You're not aiming for logic here — you're tuning into sensation.

• Calm and open? That’s likely a ventral vagal state, ideal for reflection and clarity.
• Anxious, restless, agitated? You're in sympathetic, mobilised, but not grounded.
• Heavy, numb, or checked out? That’s dorsal vagal, a sign you may need more support or rest before deciding.

🟩 “I feel clear and curious - like I have space.”

🟥 “I have to decide now or something bad will happen!”

⬜ “What’s the point? Nothing’s going to help anyway.”

Each state tells a different story. Learn to listen before you lead.

2. Name the Parts at the Table

Ask yourself:

“Who in me wants this?” “Who in me is afraid?”

This is where you access your internal leadership team.

• Your Visionary might say: “This move will open new possibilities.”
• Your Protector might jump in: “This is risky — what if it all falls apart?”
• Your Perfectionist might whisper: “You better get this exactly right.”
• Your Caretaker might plead: “What if others won’t be okay with this?”

Let each part speak — and remind them: they’re welcome, but Self is leading.

3. Forgive the Fear

As Gina Paigen says in her TED talk, the journey is: Fear → Forgiveness → Forward

Fear isn’t the enemy. It’s an early warning system. A fearful part might be carrying old stories like:

• “Last time I took a risk, I got hurt.”
• “If I slow down, I’ll fall behind.”
• “Success means pushing through.”

Acknowledge the fear. Thank it for protecting you. Then gently let it know: “You don’t have to drive right now.”

4. Negotiate One Tiny Step

Instead of trying to “figure it all out,” ask:

“What’s one small step that feels safe enough and still moves me forward?”

• “I’ll book a call to explore options, not make a decision yet.”
• “I’ll take one quiet walk in town and just notice how it feels.”
• “I’ll draft the restructure , no need to send it today.”

Tiny actions build trust inside your system. They signal: “This is doable.”

5. Tune Into Healthspan Decisions

Ask yourself:

• “Will this choice nourish or deplete me over time?”
• “What would my best future self thank me for doing today?”

This isn’t just a productivity decision, it’s a healthspan decision. A high-performing executive body in chronic stress won’t lead sustainably.

Choose actions that expand your energy and sense of fulfilment, not just your to-do list.

You Don’t Have to Leap. But You Can Loosen Your Grip

You don’t need to force change.

You need to create conditions for clarity, inner safety, nervous system regulation, and permission to evolve.

The power to choose differently,  to lead from a place of alignment rather than survival, is not only possible. It’s a healthspan strategy.

Because the most courageous leaders aren’t the ones who push harder.

They’re the ones who listen more deeply and lead from that place.

If you’re in a moment of transition, personally or professionally and want support navigating with clarity, energy, and inner alignment, let’s connect.