The middle-aged man’s guide to a ‘glow-up’

Good morning. I’m Billy Baker, and today I’m wrestling with how to rectify the social media trend of having a “glow-up” with the reality of being stuck in a middle-aged body that is rapidly glowing down. But first, here’s what else is going on:

• A federal grand jury indicted John Bolton, a former Trump official turned critic, for allegedly mishandling classified information. Bolton denied the charges and called himself President Trump’s “latest target in weaponizing the Justice Department.”
• New England scientists are bracing for the Trump administration to cut more research grants as soon as today, part of an apparent effort to hurt blue states during the government shutdown. Massachusetts has already lost about $466 million in federal funding for energy and environmental projects.
• “All fudged up”: The cofounders of Ben & Jerry’s have launched a campaign to pressure parent company Unilever to sell the ice cream brand after accusing it of barring the brand from speaking out about the war in Gaza and other issues. Unilever denies that and says it doesn’t want to sell.

Today’s Starting Point

Perhaps the only thing more pathetic than a middle-aged man spending too much time on social media is the middle-aged man who has convinced himself he needs something because of a social media trend.

Alas, here we are, and I need a “glow-up.”

For those not following the whims of the younger generation – they say “bet” and “six seven” a lot, though no adult knows why – a “glow-up” is where someone posts before-and-after photos of their fairy-tale transformation from ugly duckling to gorgeous glowing god.

Of course, many of these “glow-ups” are flat-out cheating, because all they did was go from being 17 to being 20. We get it, you’re amazing. But some are genuine and require actual effort, such as those that involve the loss of weight or the gain of muscle.

And while I’d like to think I have abs hidden under those “party size” bags of Cape Cod Potato Chips, I’ll choose to believe another Internet trend, which is that “dad bods” are hot and sexy (according to younger people who have never lived inside of one).

This works if you don’t look down in the mirror, but you do occasionally need to make eye contact if you’re going to tweeze that random hair off the tip of your nose, and here I shall resist that other “glow-up” trend, which involves plastic surgery or injecting crap into your face. To quote the comedian Dustin Anderson, “You can either look old or you can look weird. You can’t look young. You already did that, and that part’s over.”

So then what does a 49-year-old man do, I asked myself, to look… slightly better? And the answer, of course, is Robert Redford.

Did I say that out loud? Allow me to explain. When Redford died last month, it occurred to me that I’d never seen “Out of Africa,” so I cracked open a party size bag of chips, plopped down on the couch, and spent the next two hours and 41 minutes thinking: “My gawd that man is dashing.”

It gets worse, because when I Googled how old Redford was when “Out of Africa” came out, the answer was 49. I felt vulnerable, but not because I’ll never be as handsome as Robert Redford. I’m aware of that. The only instruction I give my barber is to not make me look like Mitt Romney. (True story; we have the same kind of hair that puffs out on the sides.)

No, what made me jealous of Redford in that movie, what made me think I was ready for a glow-up, was his wardrobe. He dressed like a proper adult. Like a gentleman. I, on the other hand, dress like “guy who works from home.”

And while I’d love to see the look on my colleagues’ faces if I swept into the Globe newsroom dressed as a WWI-era big game hunter as they whisper to themselves “We haven’t fired that guy yet?”, I think I need to start with more modest goals, like to tuck my shirt into my belt, which I shall begin doing just as soon as I buy a belt.

But already, I’m amazed at how quickly this decision has begat other, more youthful goals, such as: stop making groaning noises every time you get out of a chair; stop sneezing so loudly; and stop saying “We really needed this rain” unironically.

Yet the goal here is a grown-up glow-up, and we really did need this rain, and so I have already taken the most important step of all. I have stopped using social media. For as Teddy Roosevelt famously said: “Comparison is the thief of joy.”

Also, have you seen Roosevelt’s WWI-era big-game hunter look? As the kids would say, 🔥.

Points of Interest

Boston: The city has about 1,800 unsolved murder cases. A revamped police department website aims to enlist the public’s help to close them.

Massachusetts: State leaders are considering state-administered tests for graduating high schoolers. An advisory council on graduation requirements plans to discuss the proposal today.

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