For years - I never felt good enough

This is a picture of me at the age of 17 - I'm the short one - no change there 😊

I’d just been awarded North Tyneside's 'Youth Trainee of the Year’.

I remember being chuffed, but back then I had a hidden problem - I never really believed I was good enough.

For years I believed my success was down to luck or the generosity of others. I'd just been in the right place at the right time. That's how I'd got on in life. Sound familiar?

Yes, that's right - I had Imposter Syndrome - I just didn’t know.

As I grew up and progressed through school, I was being hugely influenced by the stuff going on around me. This happens to all of us. Our life experiences impact who we become. We change and evolve, and we don't even realise it's happening.

This is a short story about what I now believe happened to me.

As a kid I suffered badly from eczema. This meant that my hands were bandaged off and on, not just for weeks, but for years. I still suffer from it today, thankfully though it's a lot, lot better.

Now then, Kids can be cruel to one another. Yep that's right, you guessed it, because of this I was bullied. The name calling was relentless and the mental abuse shocking. During my formative school years, it held me back.

My sister is 3 years my senior - she's an extremely bright and academically brilliant woman. I admire her hugely.

When I was going through school, I'd get poor reports and low grades. Each time this happened, I’d compare myself against my sister. Her reports were always great, whilst mine would say stuff like 'Glenn needs to concentrate more'.

My sister achieved great exam results at the age of 16, and again at 18, allowing her to move onto University. Me on the other hand, well my results were beyond poor. At the same time as my sister was getting great results, I was being downgraded into class sets for those who were expected to do less well.

My good friends at school were all doing well and they remained in the top sets. Me on the other hand - I began to develop some fairly low opinions of myself. I passed very few exams, continued to get bad reports and eventually left school with next to no meaningful academic qualifications. 

By now my sister was well on the way to securing her PHD and my mates were off to university. At the same time I found myself on a UK Government Youth Training Scheme. Back then they were known as a 'YTS', and they had a reputation for being a place for the school under achievers. Well that's certainly how it felt to me anyway. Despite this, I stuck in, made new friends and built great relationships with the course lecturers.

About 3 months into the course, a local business man approached the training center looking for an apprentice to join his small family firm. I was interviewed and got the post. I joined the company and within 6 months I became the 5th permanent member of staff.

This was my first real job. I was in the right place at the right time and I was extremely lucky - well that's what I told myself.

Why am I telling this story nearly 35 years later, and how is it relevant today?

Well, it's because I developed a 'Limiting Belief' which impacted me for years - and when I say years - I'm talking many, many, years. I’d guess it’s only in the last 5 years I’ve discovered these new things about myself.

So what’s my limiting belief?

It's this - I'd convinced myself I wasn't intelligent.

I worked hard and I’d got on in the world - Indeed I had some great jobs. I'd been a very successful salesperson, ran sales teams and held various 'Heads of' positions.

But here's what I did. I convinced myself that my success was down to one thing - and one thing alone - my hard work ethic. These days I realise that’s NOT TRUE.

In my early 20's I reinforced this limiting belief even more. It became deep rooted.

I decided that I needed better qualifications to get on in life, so I chose to do a degree.

Unsurprisingly, I picked a course that didn’t have exams.

Why do I say unsurprisingly?

Well because, if there had been exams, I’d have likely failed them even before sitting them. I had conditioned myself to believe I wasn’t intelligent. Exams were therefore a big NO NO! After all, I’d proven this to myself before, all I was capable of was failing them. So instead, I chose a course which was entirely assignment based.

When I got my Hons Degree in Business and Marketing (which I did in 3 years rather than the standard 4 by the way), again I told myself it was because of the hard work I’d put in. The very nature of the condensed course required this.

Because I'd decided to take the fast track 3-year approach, I'd regularly be working on assignments until 2 or even 3am. This further cemented my limiting belief which evolved into 'You don't need to be intelligent - You just need to work hard'.

OK, so here’s the impact it had on me:

For years I would see job opportunities come up and I’d simply let them pass me by.

Why?

Well, I’d take one look at the role, the types of people already in those jobs, and then I’d look at their qualifications. My limiting belief would immediately hit me right in the face.

I’d say to myself things like - ‘You’re not clever enough for this role - It's beyond you'

So, instead, I’d just let the opportunity pass me by. Indeed, these days, when I look back, I'd go as far as saying that my belief was so entrenched, opportunities would regularly pass me by without me even seeing them.

This went on for years, despite people saying things to me like, 'Glenn you’re switched on, intelligent, commercially savvy. You should be leading a team by now, or be at director level. You need to go for this role or that role' etc.

Here's what's important about this:

They could have told me this all day long, but, and it's a big but...

WHAT WAS HOLDING ME BACK WERE MY BELIEFS - NOT OTHER PEOPLES.

So, until I addressed my own beliefs, they were wasting their time telling me about theirs.

And then a lightbulb moment. Someone got me to see things differently - and here's what's important with all of this. They did this by not telling me their view, but by asking me mine.

How?

Simple - They asked me a great question which went something along the lines of:

'Glenn, if you knew that your experience counted for twice as much as the academic qualifications of the other applicants, how could you use your experience to take that next step forward in your career?'

That’s what they asked, or something roughly like that, and then what they did next was vital - they just shut up!

BINGO

They’d cracked it. They had empowered my thinking. They’d got me to think differently.

For the first time, at that point, I realised that my experience, my EQ, and my ability to build relationships, far outweighed any academic qualifications that I thought were needed for the next step in my career.

The next opportunity that came up – I went for it. I approached it with confidence and with a new understanding and focus on experience, not qualifications.

And guess what? - I got the Job.

So, the moral of the story - Next time you have something getting in your way, or if you see something getting in someone else's way, try and use an empowering question to overcome the blocker.

Let’s look at how this would work for you helping another person.

The first thing to understand is that telling someone that they can, when they believe they can't, simply doesn't work.

Whatever it is that's getting in their way, you must get them to see the blocker face on, and then enable them to see beyond it. They need to see things differently for themselves.

Here's what to do...

First of all, ask them what is it that they are assuming that’s stopping them from doing the thing they want to do.

And then, once you've established this, ask them an empowering question to enable them to see beyond the blocker.

Let’s use a quick example of someone saying, ‘OK I'll try’.

When this happens, you could do one of two things.

1) You could simply say – ‘If you knew you could, where do you think you'd start?'

Or

2) As an alternative you could first ask - 'What are you assuming that would stop you from doing it?' Then, once you've uncovered the blocker, you could drill down further with an empowering question.

Let's assume that the blocker is ‘I don't have enough experience to do it’. You're empowering question could go something along the lines of...

'If you knew that you could use your experience to make a start, where would you start, and how would you go about things?'

...and then SHUT UP!

Once you've asked your empowering question, you need to get comfortable with the silence that will follow. This is their thinking time, and it's vital you don't interrupt it with your thoughts and ideas.

Give them time - you'll be surprised how this will unlock their ideas.

So, let’s summarise.

Limiting Beliefs – You need to acknowledge them and then be able to see beyond them. If you change your thinking - you can change your life.

Empowering Questions - you can help people to see beyond their blockers by unlocking their thinking - now that's great leadership.

If you want to discover more about how to unlock the thinking of others, I'd love to hear from you. Just reach out and I'll be in touch.