Conversation Mind Map
Conversation Mind Map
This map charts out the entire process of conversation, from your rst Hello to the time you say goodbye in an easy to follow and absorb "mind map" format. Think of it as a owchart for your brain to allow you to program your mind to become a brilliant conversationalist! The process of conversation can seem confusing, complex and esoteric at rst, but this chart lays it all out in an easy-to-follow, graphical format. Dont overlook the complete outline following the graphical mind map, as it contains additional and expanded information on the entire conversational process. You can study the map onscreen or print it out if you wish. You can print the whole document or just the mind map portion. If you want to print out just the graphical portion, after choosing Print, just enter the range 2 to 5 in the page range entry elds. If you would like to share this map with others, just direct them to my ofcial map page at: http://shyFAQ.com/map In addition, many of the techniques outlined on this chart are demonstrated in animated videos on my YouTube channel. Its at: http://www.youtube.com/user/TimothyArends I hope you get a lot of use out of this, and please let me know if you think I left anything out! Yours in conversation, Timothy Arends http://www.shyFAQ.com http://shyfacts.com Copyright (c) 2010 by Timothy Arends. All rights reserved.
A-1.1.1 Smile A-1.1.1.1 Eye Contact A-1.1.1.1.1 Open Posture A-1.1.1.1.1.1 Lean In A-1.1.1.1.1.1.1 Nod A-1.2 Starting the conversation A-1.2.1 Ask an easy to answer question (ritual question)
Shy people are often afraid to start a conversation for fear it will bomb. Also, they are afraid the other person will know they are interested in them, which will put them on the spot. Shy people can even be nervous when someone starts a conversation with them, because they get the feeling that the other person is checking them out or evaluating them. Since there are problems either way, you might as well be the one to start the conversation. Starting a conversation, however, is much easier when you have a repertoire of several appropriate conversational starters memorized and ready to go.
A-1.2.1.1 Ask a question about the other person A-1.2.1.1.1 Ask about the other persons clothing or accessories
A-1.2.1.1.1.1 What is he or she wearing? A-1.2.1.1.1.1.1 Does she have a sloganed T-shirt, or maybe dressier clothing you can comment on? A-1.2.1.1.1.1.2 Jewelry? A-1.2.1.1.1.1.3 A ring? A-1.2.1.1.1.2 What is she carrying? A-1.2.1.1.1.2.1 Books? A-1.2.1.1.1.2.2 A sports bag? A-1.2.1.1.1.2.3 An iPod? A-1.2.1.1.1.2.4 Other A-1.2.1.1.1.2.4.1 Thats a nice pair of headphones. Do they give a good sound? A-1.2.1.2 Ask a question about the situation you are in A-1.2.1.2.1 About the weather (old standby) A-1.2.1.2.2 About the place the two of you presently are at the moment (your immediate surroundings e.g. a club, park, mall, classroom, etc.) A-1.2.1.2.2.1 How long have they been coming here? A-1.2.1.2.2.2 What makes this place unique or interesting? A-1.2.1.2.2.3 What activities do they like engaging in here? (e.g. a park: they like walking their dog here) A-1.2.1.2.2.4 What previous experiences have they had here? (e.g. downtown: they met a celebrity) A-1.2.1.2.2.5 What do they like about this place? A-1.2.1.2.2.6 Why did they decide to come here? (e.g. a mall: they love shopping for clothing) A-1.2.1.2.2.7 How did they find out about this place? (e.g. a friend told them about it) A-1.2.1.2.2.8 Why is the other person here? (e.g.: a gym: they work out regularly) A-1.2.1.2.3 About the larger surroundings (e.g. your park, neighborhood or school)
This is a bit broader than asking about your immediate situation. In this case, you broaden the conversation to the town or greater metropolitan region in which you both live work or play.
A-1.2.1.2.3.1 Park A-1.2.1.2.3.1.1 Do you go walking here often? A-1.2.1.2.3.1.2 Have you used the tennis courts? A-1.2.1.2.3.1.3 Do you use any of the other area parks? A-1.2.1.2.3.1.4 (etc.) A-1.2.1.2.3.2 Neighborhood A-1.2.1.2.3.2.1 Ho do you likethe neighbors? A-1.2.1.2.3.2.2 Do you find the location convenient? A-1.2.1.2.3.2.3 Do you have room for a garden? A-1.2.1.2.3.2.4 (etc.) A-1.2.1.2.3.3 School A-1.2.1.2.3.3.1 What classes are you taking? A-1.2.1.2.3.3.2 What is your favorite subject? Why? A-1.2.1.2.3.3.3 Do you think our team will win the next big game? A-1.2.1.2.3.3.4 (etc.) A-1.2.1.2.4 About the still larger surroundings (the town you both live in) A-1.2.1.2.4.1 Do you live here in Lottaville? A-1.2.1.2.4.2 Did you grow up here? A-1.2.1.2.4.2.1 (If not) where did you originally come from/live? A-1.2.1.2.4.2.1.1 Why did you decide to move here? A-1.2.1.2.4.3 How do you like it here? A-1.2.1.2.4.3.1 What do you like most about this area? A-1.2.1.2.4.3.1.1 What do you like least?
Careful; you want to stick to positive topics as much as possible
A-1.2.1.2.4.4 (etc.)
A-1.2.2.1 Make it a habit to inject a little positive feedback when listening to somebody.
Words like this thrown in as you listen accomplish two things: they let the other person know you are paying attention, and they help increase your attentiveness.
A-1.2.2.1.1 Uh-huh" A-1.2.2.1.2 I see" A-1.2.2.1.3 Youre kidding A-1.2.2.1.4 Wow" A-1.2.2.1.5 Really" A-1.2.2.1.6 Thats interesting, I didn't know that. A-1.2.2.1.7 "Good point" A-1.2.2.1.8 "I agree" A-1.2.2.1.9 "You must really have enjoyed that" A-1.2.2.1.10 That's wonderful! A-1.2.2.2 Ask drawing-out questionsquestions that encourage the speaker to expand on what he says. A-1.2.2.2.1 Then what did you do? A-1.2.2.2.2 What happened next?" A-1.2.2.2.3 For example...? Or Can you give me an example of that? A-1.2.2.3 Try to identify with what the other person is saying. Think of things that agree with or relate to his points and bring them up A-1.2.2.3.1 I know what you mean. Ive had the same experience growing up in a small town... A-1.2.2.4 Rephrase or restate what the other person said occasionally to make sure you understand. A-1.2.2.4.1 So what youre saying is... or "So in other words..."
A-1.2.2.5 Give compliments to show you were listening. A-1.2.2.5.1 Good point! A-1.2.2.5.2 You seem very knowledgeable about that. A-1.2.3 Introduce yourself A-1.2.3.1 It could come across as robotic to strike up a conversation with someone by simply walking up to them and saying Hi, my name is _______, whats yours?
It's too obvious that you're applying some kind of formula you learned to start a conversation. Or maybe the other person could think to herself Why is this person coming up to me and introducing himself? Is he a salesman?
A-1.2.3.1.1 A far more natural way to introduce yourself is by starting a conversation by the techniques given earlier A-1.2.3.1.2 Then, after you have one going, almost as an afterthought, saying By the way my name is ______________, whats yours?"
Since you have struck up a friendly conversation with the other person, you are no longer a total stranger, and so it feels more natural to exchange first names.
A-1.3 Keeping the conversation going A-1.3.1 Find the other persons hot topics.
A hot topic is a subject the other person is passionate about. It may be a hobby, interests, pasttime, or similar subject. Hot topics are great to find, because they can lead to a much deeper and more satisfying conversation. And if you find someone with hot topics similar to yours, youll find that you have a great deal in common, and this can lead to a lasting friendship. This is how friendships are formed.
A-1.3.1.1 What do you like to do when youre not working? A-1.3.1.2 "What do you like to do in your spare time? A-1.3.1.3 What do you do in your free time? How do you relax? A-1.3.2 Keep in mind that conversations are like the branches of a tree.
Out of one branch grow smaller branches and out of those branches grow still more. Similarly, conversations grow out of what has been previously said.
A-1.3.2.1 If the conversation starts to lull, you can jump from one branch to another.
That is, if the current line of conversation has been exhausted, you can pick up on a topic that was mentioned earlier but had not been fully explored.
A-1.3.3 During a lull, bring up what the other person said earlier A-1.3.3.1 By this means you need never run out of grist for conversation.
Simply go back and re-explore a topic that was mentioned earlier, but only in passing.
A-1.3.4 if youre totally stuck for conversation... A-1.3.4.1 Follow up with a question about the very last phrase the speaker used. A-1.3.4.1.1 This is a very powerful tip!!! A-1.3.4.2 Look around and notice something about the situation the two of you are in. A-1.3.4.2.1 Wow, look at the bicyclists over there. Do you enjoy riding yourself? A-1.3.5 Handling awkward silences A-1.3.5.1 Silences can be both good and bad. If they come too early in the conversation, theyre bad.
If, after only a couple of minutes into the conversation, youre already running out of things to say or talk about, it is a sign that you havent mastered the techniques given here. Time to brush up on your conversational skills!
A-1.3.5.2 If however, you have been out with someone the whole night, and you have an occasional silence here or there, its no big deal. A-1.3.5.3 In fact, if youre so busy worrying about silences and whether they will occur, they probably will
...because you wont be concentrating on what the other person is saying and may miss statements to which you could have responded. Just remember there is no such thing as a perfect conversation.
A-1.3.6.1 You can talk about your own hot topics as well. Be sure to provide enough information to the allow the other person to ask follow-up questions. A-1.3.6.2 Be positive (but not boastful) about the things going on in your life.
A-1.3.6.3 Since sharing of yourself is important, it is not a bad idea to visualize in advance how you would answer the same open-ended questions that you use to open conversations with other people.
It would not be a good idea if you asked your conversational partner What do you like most or least about this area? And then when they return the question to you, you say Well, um, err, Ill have to think about that.
A-1.3.7 Use the "Rephrasing Technique" (otherwise known as "Active Listening") to encourage the other person to talk about themselves A-1.3.7.1 This is another super-power tip!!! A-1.3.7.1.1 "So what you're saying is..." A-1.3.7.1.1.1 "So in other words..." A-1.3.7.1.1.1.1 "So you mean that..." A-1.4 Ending the Conversation A-1.4.1 Arranging to meet the other person again A-1.4.1.1 Say something like Ive had a lot of fun or I really enjoyed talking to you.
This lets the other person know that you are ending the conversation out of necessity, not desire.
A-1.4.1.1.1 If you think youve really hit it off of the other person, you can make arrangements on the spot to meet him or her again.
In fact, unless you see them often in the places you frequent, you had better make arrangements for a future meeting or you may never see him or her again.
A-1.4.1.1.1.1 You could exchange phone numbers or say How about getting together tomorrow for dinner and a movie?
However, this is an advanced technique for when you are an experienced conversationalist and when you know you've really hit it off with another person.
A-1.4.1.2 At the very least, you can ask her how often and when she comes to the place in which you met--for example a health club--and arrange to be there at the same time.
Keep in mind, however, that this is far iffier, and you should be more assertive if you absolutely want to meet this person again.
A-1.4.1.3 If you frequently see the other person (such as in a school setting, a church or an organization) you may not need to make formal arrangements to meet them again.
In fact, you may decide to "play it cool" by seeing if they take the initiative in the future to start a conversation with you. This is a good indication that you have "hit it off" off with them (if you are not otherwise certain). It puts a bit of an obligation on them to continue the relationship if they so desire. If they continue to seek you out, congratulations! You have made a friend.
A-1.4.2.1 When other obligations require you to go, you should say something like I enjoyed talking to you, but Id better get back to work." A-1.4.2.1.1 This lets the other person know why you are concluding. A-1.4.2.2 If you are tired of the conversation, or you think it has simply run its course, you should use a different strategy. A-1.4.2.2.1 You should start responding to statements with simple nods. By no longer saying anything yourself, you will cease adding fuel to the conversation A-1.4.2.3 Offer a summing up comment.
These send a signal that you have gotten the other persons point and subtly hint that theres no need to elaborate on it further.
A-1.4.2.3.1 So I guess the bottom line is... A-1.4.2.3.2 If you really need to end the conversation at this point, you can throw in a Well Ive got to go, but it was nice talking to you. A-1.4.2.4 Use body language. Step away slightly, begin to open the door you are standing near, or look around the room. A-1.5 After the conversation is over A-1.5.1 Mentally review what was said so you remember the main points for future conversations.
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