jester of columbia

SPACE
table of contents
2 Letters to the Editor Deaths 3 4-5 6 7 8-9 10 11 Editaurus To Catch a Predator Lyle Deacon's Travel Column Space Travel Safety Information Fish and Ships Brezhnev-Nixon Correspondence Seinfeld in Space

ANYBODY WANNA GO TO MOMOFUKU? I HAVENT BEEN THERE IN LIKE TWO WEEKS.

12-13 Mad Libs 14-15 Lists 16 17 Star Trek: The Next, Next Generation Star Wars: The Musical!

18-19 International Space Station Twitter Feed 20 21 Postcards From Space Camp Melanie the Asshole

22-23 Jester Presents: A Spotlight on History 25 In the Next Jester

LETTERS

TO THE EDITOR

DEATHS
When did PBS start streaming Downton Abbey online for free? Major tom, 36. Ground Control to Major Tom. Your circuits dead, theres something wrong. Can you hear me, Major Tom? Fuck it, lets just go to Hooters. NASA, 53. Syphilis. STAN, 40 (STILL ALIVE). Were coming for you, you son of a bitch. Occupy Wall Street, couple months. Shit, it might even still be going on. Is it? Things really went downhill after they got kicked out of Zuccotti Park. Down with the capitalist pigs! George Lucas, 67. Mistook his arm for a can of beans. Ate himself to death.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR, 17. Went beyond. Dreams of productivity, never really alive.

Dearest Jester, I find myself in a state of befuddlement. I am but a lowly peasant from Chestershire in 1403 the year of our Lord. Just a few moments ago I was celebrating the good Saint Lorenzo's day by having a feast out in the field with my cattle. I drank too much mead and had a little argument with Bessie, the producer of my finest milk. So I went out for a walk to cool offnothing out of the usual. But on my walk I stumbled into a demon fire and I now find myself in a bustling, urban metropolis. Where has my field gone? What has happened to my cattle? Sincerely, -PiERS OF CHESTERSHIRE Sent from my iPhone Dear Piers, Take the 1 to Penn Station and then get on the next train to Newark. You should be right at home there. Sincerely, Jester DearJester, Myspacebarstoppedworking.FortheloveofGodandallthatish oly,help.Sendmeacomputermechanic.Ialsohaveanotherprob lem,whichisthatIkeeptypingeventhoughmyspacebarisntwor kingJesusChristthisistheworst. Pleasehelpme, -TYRONDERSON Dear Sir, Is your name Ty Ronderson or Tyron Derson? We cant send help unless we know what your name is. -Jester
................................................................................................ ......................//)................................................................... ....................,/ /...IFURASTRONGBEAUTIFULTYPER........ .................../ /.......WHODONTNEEDNOSPACEBAR.......... .............// /`...COPYTHISMESSAGEAND................. ..........// / / /\....PASSITON....................................... ........(( ~/ )............................................................ .........\. . /............................................................. .......... \ _............................................................... ............\ (.................................................................. ..............\.............\.................................................................. ................................................................................................

Jester
Vol. CDII No. 1 APRIL 2012
Editor-in-Chief

WHY HUMANS LOVE SPACE

Dear readers, Star Wars is the third-highest-grossing film series of all time, behind Harry Potter and James Bond. If widespread cultural interests are at all informed by box office statistics, then the massive and continuing success of the Star Wars series suggests that humans, on the whole, really love outer space (but not as much as they love kid wizards or womanizing spies). To understand why that is so, we must go back a few hundred years, to the land of house music, socialized medicine, and sex slavery: Europe. In the early sixteenth century, the Catholic Church was in the habit of selling indulgences basically Get Out of Purgatory Free cardsto sinful, God-fearing humans. Pay for my new solid gold bathtub, explained Pope Leo X, and God will say what murder? and let you into heaven three years early. But it wasnt long until Martin Luther blew the whistle on the whole operation by nailing a polemic to the door of his local church. His Ninety-Five Theses, which exposed many of the bullshit practices of the Church, were all rather basic assertions that everyone probably should have been able to figure out for themselves, like #10: It's pretty wrong for the Church to sell indulgences, or #37: The money isnt going towards a gold tub, its just going towards more Estonian boywhores. But nobody listened to Martin Luther and people kept buying indulgences. As a resultand here's where it gets technicalthe demand for vices like alcohol and pornography shot up because people realized they could sin and still go to heaven as long as they bought an indulgence every time they played Edward Fortyhands or watched Debbie Does Dallas. And since people were buying more, the economy boomed. And since the economy boomed, people got richer. And since people got richer, they went to college. And since they went to college, they took science classes and improved their critical thinking skills. And in those science classes they learned that all human experience reduces to neuroelectrical activity in the brain, which reduces to chemistry, which reduces to physics. And with that new knowledge coupled with their critical thinking skills, they all concluded independently that Martin Luther was missing a 96th thesis: Heaven doesnt exist, and neither does purgatory, and neither does God, so I should really stop buying these indulgences. Wait, one more just in case Im wrong about Gods nonexistence. But Im sure Im not wrong. But Im still buying another indulgence. With this grim realization, humans were lost. They were forced to search for the meaning of life in something other than an angry dude and his hippie magician son. So they turned to Neil deGrasse Tyson, who assured them that, even though their lives might not have some grand meaning or purpose, they could still feel connected and relevant to the universe because the universe was in them: The atoms that make up the human body are traceable to the crucibles that cooked light elements into heavy elements in their core under extreme temperatures and pressures. Basically, they were stars. Their parents had been telling them that for years, but they didnt believe it until a nerd on PBS with a killer mustache and a saxophone tie told them it was really true. Then overpopulation, disease and global warming made life on Planet Earth impossible. So the humans left, colonized the universe, and lived extraterrestrially ever after. Okay, that last part hasn't happened yet. But I assure you it will. Probably in the next couple weeks. As for everything else I have said, it is all factually accurate, unbiased, comprehensive, and to be taken incredibly seriously. Just like the rest of this issue. Please enjoy,

Michael Abraham
TREASURer

Eli Grober

Ryan Mandelbaum
BuSINESS MANAGER

PUBLISHER

Dear Jester, Im coming for you. Im coming for you so hard and fast, you wont even know what hit you. And then Im gonna do it again. Im gonna wreck you so hard, youre gonna spend weeks getting everything working right again. There's gonna be fires, lots of death. Im gonna wreak havoc and threaten your civilization as you know it. Love, -Comet Dear Comet, The Mayan calendar ends in December, so naturally we're pretty absorbed with that. Plus, we already have a solution to the little problem you pose (see pages 22-23). Love, Jester Dear Jester, I am running out of oxygen in my oxygen tank for my space travels. I have been sitting here ever since I ran out of hyperfuel on my third lap around Neptune. Im sending you this hyper-space transmission to beg for your assistance so that I can continue my space mission work with the space orphans. I dont have much timeplease help. Sincerely, -SPACE POPE Dear Space Pope, Our hyper-space transmitter is down, so well be sending a response via USPS. Should be there definitely within the decade. Please give our regards to the orphans. -Jester

James Rathmell Katie Needle Lena Dunn

Submissions editor head copy editor Senior Editors

Henry Ring Bijan Samareh

Lars Andersen Nelson Bates Ray Ferguson Evan Johnston Brian LaPerche Tim Kitzrow Joel L. Martinez Patrick McGuire George Plain Peter Hussein Schamp Keith Thomas Anton Wheel
ASSISANT Layout Staff

editorial StafF

I.M. Pei Oscar Niemeyer

ASSISTANT EDITORS

Buzz Aldrin Tim Allen Lance Armstrong Save Dimpson Carrie Fisher Iowa George Jetson Dave Simpson
COVER DESIGN

Michael Abraham
Editor-in-Chief

Stephen Davan Jerry Picasso Giorgio Keef

The Jester of Columbia, established 1901, is Columbia Universitys only humor magazine.
Jester is published as many as four times a year and is distributed free of charge to the Columbia University community. Please limit one copy per person. Views, ideas, opinions, or unsavory epithets expressed in Jester do not necessarily reflect those of Columbia University, its student body, or even the wise-ass college students who wrote them. Any similarities to actual people, places, or events are either coincidental or satirical in nature. Direct submissions, advertising inquiries, and other correspondence to [email protected].

ASSISTANT ART STAFF

For more information visit www.jesterofcolumbia.com.

2 Jester of Columbia April 2012, Space 3

TO CATCH A PREDATOR
FEATURING CHRIS HANSEN
To Catch a Predator THEME MUSIC plays, shots of the DECOY KITCHEN. The music cuts out, theres the sound of someone entering the kitchen. ENTER PREDATOR in Cloak Mode. Predator: KRRRKRKR? Billy (from upstairs): Hello? Predator: KRRRKRKRRKRKRR. Billy: Just a second! Predator: KRRKRKRRKR. Billy: Im just getting the condoms together for all that homosexual, cross-generational sex well be having! Predators eyes glow yellow. Suddenly, CHRIS HANSEN, the host, enters the decoy kitchen. Hes dressed sharply and is holding papers in his hand. He stares blankly around the kitchen. Predators Cloak Mode is still engaged. Predator targets Chris Hansen. Red laser triangle appears on Hansens forehead. Hansen: Sir? Predator: KRRKR. Hansen turns towards the source of the noise. Hansen: Sir, could you please decloak for me and take a seat over there? Predator disengages Cloak Mode and crouches on the kitchen counter.
4

Hansen: What are you doing here? Predator (rotating head questioningly): KRRKRKRKRKR? Hansen: What do you think youre doing here? Do you know how old Billy is? Predator: KRRKRKR? Hansen: No. No, hes thirteen. Ive got the transcripts of your conversation right here. You are wigwamwaggler84, correct? (Predator nods.) And you definitely had a conversation with Billy, alias SUXDUX? (Predator nods again.) All right. (Reading from transcript:)
wigwamwaggler84: How old are you Billy? SUXDUX: Im thirteen. wigwamwaggler84: Thirteen is the number of moons in orbit around my homeworld. SUXDUX: LOL. Youre a funny man. wigwamwaggler84: I have heard of man. A dangerous creature is he not? SUXDUX: He doesnt have to be :) wigwamwaggler84: Are you capable of holding a weapon in your hand and passing the rite of adulthood, Billy? SUXDUX: Ill hold whatever you want, big guy. wigwamwaggler84: My peoples code of honor demands that if you are to obtain any bladed or stabbing
Jester of Columbia

Hansen puts down transcript. Looks up at Predator. Hansen: Did you come here today to engage in sexual activity with a child? Predator (shaking head): KKRKR. Hansen: Yes, you did. Predator (more vehement shaking): KKRKRKRKR!!! Hansen: Yes. You. Did. Youre sick, you know that? (Pause.) Lying in ambush, waiting to trap people while you remain safely hidden behind the screen of your Hunters Morality and your Cloak Mode. Predator reaches to engage Cloak Mode. Hansen: Yeah, go ahead and engage your Cloak Mode. Run away and hide rather than face your accusers honorably. Coward.

weapon, I must forego our sacred plasma-spewing weaponry and engage you in single combat, blade upon blade. SUXDUX: My sword is so long and hard, I want to thrust it in you. But keep that spewing technology close at hand! ;) wigwamwaggler84: I will wipe your skull clean with carbonic acid and store it amongst my trophies. SUXDUX: Thursday at three work for you? My mom wont be home then. wigwamwaggler84: Thursday works perfectly. Ill see you then. END COMMUNICATION.

Predator
waves.

slowly climbs down from the table.

towers over

Hansen

at nearly seven feet tall.

He The

His toe-claws click on the smooth linoleum of the DECOY KITCHEN. Hansen cowers before the alien behemoth. Predator slowly begins taking off its helmet, then tosses it to the floor with the sound of escaping gas. The creatures horrible crabface flaps open like a million nightmares, and the alien roars as Hansen shits himself and falls to the floor. Hansen: NOW!!! The Predator turns, but too late. Billy runs into the decoy kitchen and impales Predator with a huge ornate sword. Predator: (touching his own fluorescent blood with his fingers, holding it up in front of his eyes): KKRKRRKR? (Modulated speech noise) Sexual activity with a child? Predator falls to the floor. Billy and Hansen highfive over his corpse. Then they high-five again. Then they do a victory hug. It lasts a long time. Then they try a horizontal victory hug. There is a beeping noise from Predators wrist. The beeping noise gets quicker and more high-pitched as the two slayers of the beast embrace passionately.

scent of the jungle pours off him in nauseating

April 2012, Space

TRAVEL COLUMNIST

Planning Your Visit to Space

By Lyle Deacon Published: April 3, 2012

Space tourism may at first seem daunting, but it is actually not much different than tourism on Earth. The only real difference is that it takes longer to travel from attraction to attraction. But if you are anything like me, you will want to tackle all there is to do. This article is a guide for you, the intrepid traveler. Let's go! Now, when my wife and I used to go to parties, she would often regale our friends with stories from the summer she spent in space during college. Before writing this article, I had never been to space. This was something my wife constantly faulted me for. And believe me, I've got faults. Who doesn't? Everyone must go once, she would say, swinging her third glass of brandy past my face. Its beautiful, she would say, and the people are much nicer than they are here. To this day, she claims that if we had the money, she would make us move out there, the kids and the dog included. We do not have the money.
Lyle Deacon

A NOTE ON SAFETY INFORMATION Space travel is significally more dangerous and complicated than Earth travel. Please read all information carefully and thoroughly. I know what you're thinking: "Damn, it comes in it's own leather folder?" Yeah, space travel is serious business. Don't take the folder though. Always remember Fasten your seatbelt upon the captain's request or no less than five minutes before going into hyperspace. If you don't fasten your seatbelt your flight attendant won't like you and then won't give you free peanuts. Dog, you gotta get those free peanuts. In case you cant sleep Adjust the firmness of your LogiComfort 5P shuttle seat. Oh, you don't have a LogiComfort 5P shuttle seat? That's because you're on one of the old models. Why do you always get stuck on the old models? Do the new models even exist? Fuck it, just order another jigger of bourbon. In case oxygen runs out Masks will descend from the ceiling. Secure your own mask before securing anyone else's. Not even your kid's. If Timmy can't figure it out for himself, then he probably won't be able to survive in space anyway. In case of emergency landing: on land Brace for descent through new atmosphere and possible impact on planetary surface. Translation: "This mother's going down so you'd better bend over and kiss your sorry ass goodbye." In case of emergency landing: on water Your seat cushion also serves as an emergency jetpack. Whatever you do, do not press the red button on the jetpack. You know you're just going to press it. What's the worst that could happen? It explodes and you die? No. If you press that button, Alderaan explodes and you survive. Then you feel infinitely guilty. In case of flying through a black hole You'll be crushed from the sides and pulled apart in the up-and-down direction. This interesting process of death is called "spagettification." Does it come with meatballs? In case of alien boarding Take cover and clear the way for your ships designated intergalactic air marshals, heavily trained and armed with photon cannons. But get ready to pounce on those dead aliens, because their blood cures cancer or some shit.

When you arrive in space, you are going to feel overwhelmed. This is natural! It means you're having a good time. Traveling to Go to Columnist Page a foreign locale is often overwhelming, so try not to focus on the bad stuff and just enjoy your time abroad. If the shoe fits, am I right? You probably wont be able to sight-see in every place you want to. I would recommend creating a list of the places that are most important for you or for you and your family to visit, assuming your family can make decisions together instead of fighting over your thirteen-yearold sons gambling addiction and why you and your wife sleep in the same room but in separate beds. I recommend visiting the Great Red Spot on Jupiter. Without a doubt, the most crowded tourist destination in space is the Moon. I decided to visit the Moon during my second day of travel. When I asked my wife, she advised me to visit a number of the larger craters on the southern hemisphere, but she could not finish telling me which craters were best, because that was when visiting hours ended and she began screaming again that there was no need for her to be in a cage with all these crazies. If you do only one thing in space, try the food. It is remarkable the kind of cuisine available at even the smallest of planets. And even if you cant afford a place, I am sure your wife could sleep with one of the chefs and get to go for free while you clean up your son after he gets beaten up by angry bookies. Anyway, I hope you enjoy space. I did.
6 Jester of Columbia

Thank you for choosing to fly with us!

April 2012, Space 7

FISH AND AN EXCERPT FROM THE LOST NOVEL SHIPS OF ISAAC ASIMOV
was a particularly windy May morning. A cool draft filled the captains chamber of the H.M.S. Bigelow. The Strait of Gibraltar is no can of corn. Shouts went up like flies in the summer. Captain, were reaching a rocky part! Stay easy on the port, boys! Its gonna be a rough one! What see you in the crows nest? All mist. I cant see my own two feet! For a moment, all was quiet. The calm before the storm. The captain walked out to the bow of his ship, all eyes upon him. Somewhere, a lost heron cried. And then, suddenly, the thick fog broke, and an incredible whirlpool came into full view. Steady as she goes! All hands on deck! Weve got to toss the nonnecessities overboard! Todd, the soap bins! But the fate of the ship was sealed. The current was fast, the waves furious, and the mouth of the whirlpool gaping into forever. Take down the jibs! Theyll
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IT

capsize us! Its too late! I cant get a grip on the rope! Were going down! And then, like a gull into the mountain fog, the ship was swallowed by the whirpool. No, not a gull, but like a speck of rice swallowed by a kitchen drain. Like a marble into a canyon. Like the Alamo. All was color. All was light. All was dark. * * * The captain awoke with a start. Sitting up, he saw his crew strewn about him. The H.M.S. Bigelow was nowhere in sight. Are we dead? His mind raced. Have we drowned? He grew anxious. Whats my name? The captain. My name is the captain. Finding an inner calm, the captain trained his eyes about him. The land was unfamiliar, to be sure. He and his men lay in a large field surrounded by swaying trees. Perhaps it was a knoll. But the air was thick with sulfur, and a large planet traced looping paths with a sun along a tinted sky. This was no ordinary knoll. As the men began to stir, the

captain searched for answers. Fumbling in his coat pockets, his hands grasped a pair of binoculars. Miraculous how they had stayed put, he thought. The captain shimmied a nearby tree and gave the sky a once-over. As his men gathered together, rubbing heads and shaking feet, the captain came to the conclusion that either he and his men had drowned and now found themselves in purgatory, or they had just been transported through the space-time continuum in a sort of myopic vacuum through a wormhole to a distant planet in some galaxy far from their own. Yes, that was definitely it. Captain! The men were restless. Captain, is this the West Indies? Fools, the captain thought, the lot of them. Captain, where is our ship? What has happened to us? He stared down at them from his perch on the tree. From here he could see them in all their tired glory. These men had no families, no hope, no dreams of a better
Jester of Columbia

tomorrow or of a cabin in Montauk. Men of the H.M.S. Bigelow! We have no ship. We have no food. And, as far as I can tell, we still have no women. We are in a strange new placeperhaps even a foreign earthand we must find a way to survive. The men began to bark, confused, like sick dogs. Whats that mean, a foreign earth? We need food! We need to eat! Its not right, its not right at all! The captain scrambled down from his perch. He would address the men as a peer, not from a leafy pedestal. Do not back down! Not now. Not here. At least wait until we really know we're fucked. An anonymous shout filled the air. The captain's right! We can't back down! A cheer went up from the crew. Some whistled, some yelped, one collapsed. Todd! The cheers went silent. The crew

In silence, the men cooked Todd's body over the open fire. Some whimpered in fear and discomfort. Others added seasoning.
April 2012, Space

doctor saw quickly to Todds limp body. He was throwing soap bins overboard with too much haste and vigor! Hes always had a light head. Todd! The doctor pronounced him dead by the end of the hour. * * * At dusk, inhibition began to set with the sun. Tension filled the air, fed by empty stomachs. A scouting team had returned with troubling news. There is no food here. This is no place for man. I dont want to die! Ive only just begun to live! All eyes were once again focused upon the captain. How the spotlight so easily reveals a mans faults. We must use Todds body as sustenance. Not a man spoke. All knew the captain was right, but no one was excited to eat Todd. A bonfire was lit with malaise. In silence, the men cooked Todds body over the open fire. Some whimpered in fear and discomfort. Others added seasoning. As the men ate, the trees began to rustle. The burning flesh had

done more than attract a flurry of flies. The rustling grew to a pitch, and among the trees a creature appeared. In the shadows, the men could only make out a pair of deep, cerulean eyes. As the creature came closer, the men stopped chewing, stopped whispering, stopped breathing. With the head and body of Cee Lo Green, and the feet of a full-grown elk, the creature slowly entered the knoll. It paused. Then, with shuddering, guttural sounds, the creature mewed, cool eyes fixed on the captain. In the matter of a moment, more creatures, identical to the first, began to enter the knoll. Then more creatures. Then even more, until the creatures outnumbered the crew ten to one. Surrounded, the crew remained silent. For some time perhaps half of a second, perhaps two hours, perhaps an eternitythe men and creatures were still, together, staring. Then, almost as suddenly as their ship had been swallowed just hours before, the creatures descended upon the men, jaws agape. Not even bones were left to call on the memory of those brave men of the H.M.S. Bigelow.
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Jester of Columbia

Polar Kodiak Corduruoy Build-aWinnie the Pooh Chicago S&M Sub-Culture Care Gummy Right to Arms Bear With me Stuffed Golden Stormin Norman Rug Dead Imaginary Berenstein Yogi Smokey

Bears

Firmly clasp the handle of the cleaver Make sure your cell phone is fully charged Do not ignore government warning Fuck it, eat the whole pizza Apply liberally It should look something like a small, wet dog Leave it there. LEAVE IT THERE. Pull firmly on both tabs

Pro tips

Will you marry me? Would you marry me? Why not? Why are you doing this? Whats his name? Is his dick bigger than mine? You think this is funny? Will you please stop laughing? You think this is some kind of game? Well tell me this, how are you gonna leave me for him if youre DEAD? Your Honor, how is it not obvious that I was just kidding around? 20 years? Isnt that a little excessive for a death threat made in the heat of passion? Why did you drop that bar of soap? Wheres the therapist? Why did I pick up Gooses soap? Am I going to die in here? How did my life end up this way? Is this all just a dream?

Famous questions

Fool-proof pick-up lines

Is that a banana in your pocket? Because I can see myself in your pants. No, that is not a roll of Susan B. Anthony dollar coins in my pocket. Its my girthy tool. Are those space pants? Because those pants are out of this world. Are those space pants? Because Im an astronaut, and I can see myself in them. Are those space pants? Because theyre like 3...2....1....BLAST OFF. Hi, Im George Clooney and youre sleeping with me tonight. Was your grandma an astronaut? Because I think youre wearing her space pants. Is that a lamp in your pocket? Because your pants are on fire. That sweater is very becoming on you. You look like a young Elizabeth Taylor. Are those space pants? Because theyre really baggy. You look like MC Hammer, sort of.

Pre-venge Post-venge Not doing the dishes In rare cases, doing the dishes Breaking all of the dishes Stone-venge Mining Stan, watch your back, you piece of shit

Revenge

Things you probably wont find on the sun

Gold Cruel Tyrants Nice Tyrants Tyrants Tires Revenge Hockey Grammatical errors Another, smaller sun Watches Income tax Winter Communism The Internet Vegetarians Legends Will Smith Vampires Se7en Jeremy Lin Global Warming The Vatican Cafeterias Paint Harold Pinter A cottage with a beach view A beach Cold fusion Cleveland Good Ideas Icy-hot Patches Popsicles Your god Existence

Talk to loved ones through glass Develop a meaningful relationship with your cell mate Print your own license plates Read the Bible Read The Hunger Games Give yourself a tattoo Sort white T-shirts Make someone or become somebodys bitch Utilize a spoon Shank somebody

Things to do now that youve broken into jail

Things that are better cold

Keystone Light Liam Neeson The Donner Party Milk Ice Fire Wizards Popsicles Steve Austin Pizza

Things they dont make like they used to

Swarthmore sweatshirts Quaaludes Whoopee Buster Keaton films Frescoes Old Fashioneds Fresca Music Popes Courtney Love Pirate porn Moonshine Tape Reality television Cocaine Steam engines Acid rain Chocolate rain Raffi tapes Colonies Environments Paper Mache RC Cola

Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and...

Rosemarys Baby Slytherin Clock The Von Trapp Family Trouble Saturated Fats Robes Parsley Forever Cuba Gooding Jr. Rhyme

Neck Chinstrap Goatee Bushy One with food in it Fake Tyson Chandler Soul Patch Sideburns Rip Van Winkle Hollywoodian Beard Vader Katie Holmes

Beards

Sweatiest places to get wedged

Jimmy Buffet concert The huddle Air duct A sauna Mineshaft A wheel of cheese An armpit Arbys A subway car A Bangkok Canyon

STAR TREK: THE NEXT, NEXT GENERATION

The Starship Enterprise flies through space. Voiceover: Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise. Her five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no one has gone before, and to get all the creme out of the oreo and just eat that. Cut to the inside of the Enterprise. Spock: The Klingon warship has breached the outer shields. Captain, what can we do? Captain Kirk: Guys! This chair spins! Spock: Captain, please try to concentrate. We must deal with the situation before it is too late. Sulu: Im hungry. Spock: This is no time for food, Sulu. The safety of the universe is at stake. Captain! Kirk is now spinning wildly in his chair. Seriously, it's out of control. It looks like he's going to vomit. Captain Kirk: Check it out! I bet I can spin faster than you, Sulu!

THE ORIGINAL SCRIPT FOR THE PILOT EPISODE OF STAR TREK FEATURED A CAST OF INFANTS. THIS IS AN EXCERPT FROM THAT SCRIPT.
Sulu: Cannot! Captain Kirk (coughing): Can too! Sulu: Cannot! Spock: Gentlemen! Please! We are under fire! Captain Kirk: Put a cork in it, you turd. Oh God! I think I'm about to spew! He spews. Spock: You first, Captain. Now, you really must take control of this ship and save us from certain death. Captain Kirk: Hey everybody, Spock is a poop! Sulu: Ha, Spock the poop, Spock the poop! Spock: What? Why am I the poop? You're the one that just vomited on himself. Sulu: Hes such a poop he doesnt even know why hes a poop! Spock: I AM NOT A P-There is a great flash, a loud noise, and the Enterprise explodes.

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Jester of Columbia

MELANIE THE ASSHOLE

COMES BACK FROM SPACE
Paul: So, how was winter break everybody? Samantha: Pretty good. I went skiing, which can be fun sometimes. Steve: Cool, me too! Whered you go? Samantha: Colorado. Steve: You're kidding! Me too! Where in Colorado? Samantha: Breckenridge. Steve: Oh. Nevermind. Paul: Shh, here comes Melanie. Steve: Fuck. Samantha: Hey Melanie! How are you? How was your semester abroad? Melanie: Oh my God, best four months of my life! You just have to go to space as soon as you get the chance. Its. Amazing. Samantha: Wow, that sounds great. Paul: Yeah. Tell us about it. Melanie: Yeah, oh my God, the people are just like so much more interesting than here. Like the culture is so diverse. And the guys are gorgeous. At first the extra eyes were a little nerve-wracking because I'm positive they were like, always checking out my tits. But after awhile I got used to it. Checking each other out is just a part of their culture, you know? That's something Earth needs to learn. To appreciate each others bodies and stuff. Steve: Are you sure they were checking you out? Maybe they all just have wandering eyes. Like a genetic defect in the population. Melanie: Wanna see my boyfriend? Hes from Jupiter. Melanie whips out her iPhone and goes to Facebook. She brings up a picture of something that resembles a toolshed made of cherry jello. Melanie: It was so hard saying goodbye, but we decided were gonna try and make this intergalactic relationship workhis accent is just so hot. Paul: Oh, I see your Facebook language is Blorkian. Thats cool, I guess.
20 Jester of Columbia April 2012, Space

Melanie: Yeah, when you spend time living in a place, and everybody's speaking the language, you pick it up pretty quickly. I'm pretty much fluent. Poomakarfa, y'all! Steve: Y'all? Melanie: I'm from the South. Steve: You're from Maryland. Samantha: Speaking of fabricated identity, your hometown is listed as Space. Melanie: Oh whoops. I thought that was my current city. I feel like I still live there, and Im just on vacation here. Im glad I missed at least some of the winter. Instead of shutting myself in like last year, I could just tan on the seven suns of Moomienoife. Paul: Theres no way thats a place. Melanie: Oh my god, you have to go into the smaller galaxies and try the Dippin Dots. So goodI would eat it everyday. Thank God space is weightless! Its so authentic there, too. I refuse to eat any of that Americanized crap they sell at the Kennedy Space Center. Steve: Cool, do you guys want to go to din Melanie: Oh, and I almost forgot about my homestay. They were so nice. Of course I traveled a lot so I didnt get to see them all the time. Its just like, once youre on Saturn, space shuttle flights to Andromeda 7 are so cheap, why not take the opportunity to soak in another culture? Steve: Okay Melanie, we get it. Let's talk about this after were done picking a restaurant. Melanie: Sorry, sometimes I just get carried away. Im just like, obsessed with space. It was such an enriching experience. Oh blork it was. Melanie shakes her head. Melanie: Blork. Paul: Blork? Melanie: Oh sorry, thats like a space word. Sometimes I forget people here dont speak Blorkian. Paul, Samantha, and Steve (in unison): MELANIE THE ASSHOLE, WHEN WILL YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT SPACE?
21

on history
On March 23, 1983, President Ronald Reagan delivered a speech in which he outlined what later became known as the Strategic Defense Initiative (SDI), or, more derisively, Star Wars. He gave two versions of the speech that day. The second was televised; the following is a transcript of the first.

a spotlight

Jester pRESENTS:

Im joking, that's not going to be a problemmy guys are geniuses. And heres the thing about my geniuses. Theyre you, America. Theyre you. Seriously, I dont really have science guys right now, so you all really need to step it up and arrive at a solution pronto, because the last guy who let me down hasnt had silence in his backswing for ten years. Imagine trying to sink an eight-footer with the match all square on the eighteeI mean, without my laser, Russia will attack us and we will all die and our children will have genetic defects and speak Russian. They might even turn into zombies. I dont know, Im not a scientist. understand there may be certain objections to this plan. For you skeptics, I say fuck yourselves. Youre the kind of people I used to beat up in the back of my middle school. I had sex in middle school, did you know that? Lots of sex. You remember there was that one kid who had sex in middle school? That was me. I hate you people, I really do. I think the laser beam should get you too. You guys. Im sorry. You know how in GoldenEye when you set all the weapons to Laser and its really disappointing because none of the lasers are good guns and all you really want do is finger fuck Natalya? Ive had it with shitty lasers. Ive had people working around the clock on a good laser, and I think weve got it. Its blue, so thats cool, and the metal is really smooth. And its bigger than youd think. Guys, how are we getting this into space again? What?
Jester of Columbia

MY

fellow Americans, thank you for sharing your time with me tonight. The subject I want to discuss with you, peace and national security, is both timely and importanttimely because I have reached a decision which offers a new hope for our children in the 21st centurya decision I will tell you about in a few minutesand important because there is a very big decision that you must make for yourselves. This subject involves the most basic duty that any President and any people sharethe duty to protect and strengthen the peace. Did I mention how Im going to do that? And yes, I meant I, and not America because Im doing this shit all alone. Its just me up here guys. Just me and MarI mean Nancy. Anyway, Im going to protect and strengthen world peace by put-

ting a big fucking laser beam in space. With a death beam in the sky, theyll be afraid to attack, and were not the ones whore fucking going to attack anybody, so everything will be safe. Because if anyones going to attack its them. Not us. Were not going to raze any lands or pillage anybodys face, or drink vodka like its water. Thats why weve got Rocky Mountain springs. We drink water like its water. All were doing is just putting a killing machine in the sky. To kill. I mean, to stop them from killing. To scare people into killing. Not killing. Shit. To scare people into keeping the peace. It makes sense. Listen to me, America. We, meaning you and mebecause were all in this together, I was just kidding about all that martyr stuff earlierhave a duty. The duty to protect and strengthen the peace. I care about you. I love you. Now, I

Nerds. Anyway. America. I really need you on this one. If we make this happen its another four years of peace. And quiet. And Sundays. And waffles shaped like a different pair of tits every day of the year. But Russia. Russia! Thats the issue right now. So were in danger. And what do you do when youre in danger? You threaten your ideological enemies with lasers in space that they cant possibly also get because were

the ones who got to the Moon first. Newsflash: we won the space race. And to the victor go the spoils, and this time the spoils is the right to put a big fucking laser in outer space and aim it at whoever the shit we want. I have faith in you, tiny men and women. America, this is our time. Weve had good times before, dont get me wrong. But when Im done with you, Im going to make Eisenhower look like a cripple kid trying to climb out of a ball pit. Youll all be superheroes. Every childs going to carry a gun. A big gun. One of those ones you have to strap over your back. And its going to be okay to practice shooting on the dyslexics. Does that sound good? Because Im not done yet. Today, space laser. Tomorrow, just imagine what were going to do. Were going to make a Swiss army knife thats got thirty kinds of guns in it. Were going to build a fleet of lamb helicopters. Were

going to train a school of dolphins to fight for us and then kill them all. Were going to dump a bunch of water on all the deserts and then fill the oceans up with sand. Ive got a bucket list, America, and I want you to be there with me to check off every item (there are one hundred and forty seven). Theres no limit to what we can do if we put our minds to it, and I hope what Ive been talking about has, uh, been making you hot in the pants. My fellow Americans, tonight we are launching an effort which holds the promise of changing the course of human history. There will be risks, and results take time. But I believe we can do it. As we cross this threshold, I ask for your prayers and your support. Thank you, good night and God bless you.

working around the clock on a good laser, and I think weve got it. Its blue, so thats cool, and the metal is really smooth. And it's bigger thank you'd think.
April 2012, Space

Ive had people

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RONALD W. REAGAN PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES

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