MODERN FAMILY

"John and Fernando"

Written by Rodney Ohebsion
Copyright 2014
INT. - DUNPHY HOME - NIGHT
The Dunphy family is standing by the door with JOHN (25).
JOHN
It was really great meeting you.
PHIL
Likewise.
CLAIRE
(to Phil)
Im gonna go ahead and put a ditto
on your likewise.
PHIL
(to John)
OK. So in summary, thats one
likewise, and one ditto.
JOHN
Thats very... efficient.
PHIL
Indeed.
CLAIRE
Ditto.
PHIL
We did it again, honey. Were on a
roll.
CLAIRE
Indeed.
They high five.
HALEY
OK. That was oddly disturbing.
JOHN
It was actually kind of cute.
Theyre a cute couple.
LUKE
Indeed.
HALEY
Ill walk you to your car, John.
2.
JOHN
(to Phil and Claire)
Again, I had a great time.
PHIL
Well so did we. Bye, John.
CLAIRE
Ditto.
Haley and John walk out, and Phil closes the door.
CLAIRE
Hm.
PHIL
Hm.
ALEX
Yeah.
LUKE
Right.
CLAIRE
So thats John.
PHIL
Yeah. John.
ALEX
Uh huh.
LUKE
Mm hm.
Haley comes back in.
HALEY
So. What did you think?
CLAIRE
Well. Compared to your last
boyfriend, hes a dream come true.
And compared to Brad Pitt, hes a
dream come true.
HALEY
Dad--what did you think?
PHIL
Well. Not only do I want you to
keep dating John, I want Alex to
(MORE)
3.
PHIL (contd)
start dating Johns younger
brother.
ALEX
Yeah. Im not really gonna ditto
that one. He said his brother is
20. Im not gonna date a 20 year
old until Im at least 18.
PHIL
Claire. Tell Alex to hurry up and
turn 18, so she can start dating
Johns younger brother.
CLAIRE
Alex. You heard your father. Use
your math skills, and turn 18 by
next Saturday.
HALEY
You really like John that much?
CLAIRE
Yes.
PHIL
... Well. ... Um. ... Now that I
think about it, hes a little
suspicious. Claire. Uh. Tell Alex
to remain 16.
CLAIRE
What?
PHIL
Parent conference.
He pulls Claire aside and has a private conversation.
PHIL
Claire--you know how Haley is. When
it comes to guys, she wants the
opposite of what we want. So now we
have to use reverse psychology, and
tell her that we want the opposite
of what we want, so she wont want
the opposite of what we want.
CLAIRE
Honey--Im sure that explanation
was very clear in your brain. But
when it came out your mouth, it
(MORE)
4.
CLAIRE (contd)
sounded like a horse eating a box
of crackers.
PHIL
Honey--Im sure that analogy it
made sense in your brain. But when
it came out of your mouth, it
sounded like a horse eating a box
crackers.
CLAIRE
Phil. What are we talking about?
PHIL
Um. Something about horses and
crackers. The point is, dont make
it seem like youre so into John.
CLAIRE
I cant help it. Hes just so
dreamy.
PHIL
I know. Im feeling the same
butterflies that youre feeling.
But just play it cool. You know.
The way you did when you first met
me. Remember? You acted like you
werent in love with me, even
though you were.
CLAIRE
Right. OK.
They continue talking to Haley.
CLAIRE
Honey. Your father and I had a
talk. And we became aware of some
things that we werent previously
aware of regarding your new
boyfriend whats-his-name.
HALEY
His name is John.
PHIL
John, Jim, Saddam. Whatever. I saw
some signs that he might be a shady
guy.
5.
HALEY
What signs?
PHIL
Um. He, um--I think I saw a tattoo
on him.
HALEY
Where?
PHIL
In the living room.
HALEY
Where on his body did you see a
tattoo?
PHIL
I didnt see an actual tattoo. But
he just looks as the type of person
whos really considering getting a
tattoo and robbing a 7-11. And
developing weapons of mass
destruction.
HALEY
Thats what you saw in the living
room?
PHIL
Uh huh. Also, we dont like Johns,
uh, voice. It kind of sounds
like... a horse eating a box of
crackers. And, um, the thing is, we
think you should consider going
back to your old boyfriend Dylan.
HALEY
Really?
CLAIRE
No! Johns great!
PHIL
Honey!
CLAIRE
Phil--the jig is up. It was up when
I ranked John above Brad Pitt.
(to Haley)
Honey--we love John.
6.
HALEY
And I take it youre not fans of
Dylan.
CLAIRE
For past last year, weve been
trying to get Dylan deported to
Mexico.
HALEY
But Dylans not Mexican.
PHIL
Well. We have a stack of fake
documents that prove hes a
carpenter from Guadalajara. And his
names is Fernando.
CLAIRE
The point is, youre a great girl,
we love you--but before John,
youve had a tendency to end up
with boys who are, um... Phil,
whats the word?
PHIL
Annoying, unemployed, immature,
disrespectful, clinically insane...
HALEY
I think I get the point.
ALEX
Ill-bred, unambitious, poorly
dressed...
HALEY
I got it.
INT. JAY & GLORIAS HOME - DAY
GLORIA
Do you have to spend the whole day
with this guy?
JAY
Hes an old friend. I havent seem
him in a decade--and I may not see
him for another decade. And the way
he drinks, hes not gonna see
another decade.
7.
GLORIA
Great. I hope you and your sleazy
alcoholic friend have a good time
at the bar and the whorehouse. Just
promise me that youll stay away
from the crack-a-house.
JAY
The crackerhouse? Is that where you
think white people hang out?
GLORIA
I said crack-a-house. A house where
people smoke crack.
JAY
Oh. A crackhouse. Dont worry,
honey. Tony might drink a lot--but
hes harmless.
INT. JAY & GLORIAS HOME - DAY
(Documentary Interview Scene)
JAY
(to camera)
Tony is not harmless. Tony is out
of his mind. Over the course of my
63 years, Ive bailed friends out
of jail twice. All three of those
times, the friend was Tony. And the
fourth time, it was also Tony.
INT. - HOME - DAY
The doorbell rings.
JAY
Thats him.
They begin walking to the door.
GLORIA
He sounds drunk.
JAY
You can tell that by the way he
rang a doorbell?
8.
GLORIA
He rings doorbells the way my
alcoholic Uncle Julio did in
Colombia.
JAY
Gloria. We both know perfectly well
that there were no doorbells in
Colombia.
GLORIA
He smells drunk, too.
JAY
You can smell Uncle Julio all the
way from here?
GLORIA
Your friend smells drunk.
JAY
Hes not even in the house yet.
Jay opens the door it to revel TONY (62).
JAY
Tony!
TONY
Jay!
They hug.
JAY
Tony--Id like you to meet my wife
Gloria.
Tony pauses for a few seconds, and then introduces an
imaginary person.
TONY
Well. Jay, Gloria--Id like you to
meet my wife, Kate Upton.
Gloria looks at Jay.
TONY
Oh. I thought we were playing
make-believe. You know. "This is my
wife, thats your wife."
(points at Gloria)
Is this woman really here?
9.
JAY
Yeah. Gloria is the real thing.
Except for her hair color.
TONY
Oh. Well my wife Kate is
imaginary--but she is a natural
blonde.
(to Gloria)
Gloria. It is an honor to meet you.
They shake hands.
GLORIA
Nice to meet you.
TONY
I hope Jays said some nice things
about me.
GLORIA
Oh, yes. He mentioned your Nobel
Prize.
TONY
Well. I dont like to brag about
it.
(To Jay)
Did you also tell her about the
Pulitzer?
GLORIA
No. But he did tell me about the
Budweiser.
TONY
(to Jay)
Well. Shes a sassy one. The two of
you make a great couple.
(to Gloria)
Say--do you have a niece you can
set me up with? Preferably one in
her late teens.
(to Jay)
Im just trying to one up
you. Youre married to a woman
whos half your age, so Im gonna
marry a woman whos half of your
wifes age.
GLORIA
(to Jay)
(MORE)
10.
GLORIA (contd)
The two of you make a great couple.
If you add Curly, you can be the
Three Stooges.
INT. MITCH AND CAMERONS HOME - DAY
MITCH
Ive gotta admit. Im a little
nervous about lunch.
CAMERON
Why?
MITCH
This is our first time playing the
heterosexual version of matchmaker.
CAMERON
Thats not true. What about the
time we set up Lily and Johnny?
MITCH
Are you referring to Lily our
daughter, and Johnny her playdate?
CAMERON
Im referring to Lily the female,
and Johnny her male companion. We
made a match. That counts.
MITCH
Well. We did set them up. And their
relationship lasted a very
impressive 22 minutes, thanks to
that entire bottle of grape juice
Johnny poured on Lilys head.
INT. MITCH AND CAMERONS HOME - DAY
(Documentary Interview Scene)
LILY
(to camera)
When our playdate started, I though
maybe Johnny was Mr. Right. But it
turns out that hes Mr. Pee Pee
Head.
11.
INT. MITCH AND CAMERONS HOME - DAY
CAMERON
Mitch. Child relationships dont
count. Kids are very fickle, and
eager to pour juice on peoples
heads. Besides, this time, were
bringing something else to the
table.
MITCH
You mean wine instead of grape
juice?
CAMERON
No. I mean a happily married
heterosexual couple.
INT. - DUNPHY HOME - DAY
Claire shows Phil a milk carton.
CLAIRE
Phil! You left an empty milk carton
in the refrigerator!
He grabs the carton, and throws it in the trash.
PHIL
Problem solved.
CLAIRE
Wow. Phil. My brain is so female,
that it never wouldve thought of
that.
PHIL
Thats why you should leave the
thinking to my male brain.
CLAIRE
Great. Well male, how about you
think your way to the kitchen, and
make me a sandwich?
PHIL
Ill do it right after I milk the
cow.
CLAIRE
I love you.
She kisses him on the lips.
12.
PHIL
I love you, too.
She then takes the milk carton out of the trash without him
noticing, and as she walks away, she throws it at his head.
PHIL
You have a weird way of showing
love.
Haley walks in.
HALEY
Bye mom. Bye dad.
PHIL
Where are you going?
HALEY
To the mall with Jenny.
PHIL
To the movies with John?
HALEY
To the mall with Jenny.
PHIL
Im not asking you, young lady. Im
telling you. Go see a romantic
comedy with with John, and hold his
hand the entire time.
HALEY
Relax, dad. Im going out with John
tonight.
PHIL
Great. I think this is the night
hes gonna tell you he loves you.
HALEY
Um. Well. I dont know if were at
that stage yet.
PHIL
Honey. Youre a great girl, and
John loves you. And if he doesnt,
then that means you need to work on
yourself a little.
13.
INT. CAR - DAY
JAY
So where to? Keep in mind that Id
prefer to do something semi-legal.
TONY
Relax. Judging by the looks of your
house and wife, you have enough
money to bail us out ten times.
JAY
How about we head on over to a
crackhouse? Im sure you know a few
in the area.
TONY
I have something else planned.
EXT. BEACH - DAY
Jay and Tony are walking on the beach.
JAY
Tony--when I heard you were coming
into town, the last thing I
expected was us taking a walk on
the beach. Um--does this seem a
little weird to you?
TONY
Dont be so homophobic, Jay.
JAY
Im not homophobic. You do realize
I have a gay son.
TONY
Who? The redhead?
JAY
No. The blonde. By the way, I only
have one son.
TONY
Right. Well. Anyways, I brought you
here because I just--when Im here,
it lets me open up, and say what I
really want to say.
14.
JAY
Doesnt alcohol do that better?
TONY
Not exactly. The thing is, I
actually need you to do me a little
favor.
JAY
I hope youre gonna ask me to help
you move a sofa.
TONY
Not exactly.
JAY
Well how much money do you want,
exactly?
TONY
No. Its not money.
JAY
OK. Weve ruled out money and sofa.
What do you want?
TONY
Well. You see. All the guys are
telling me that youre a real
family man now. And um, you
know--in case you havent noticed,
Im not a family man. But, uh, Im
here, to... Im in town to... to
see my daughter.
INT. JAY & GLORIAS HOME - DAY
(Documentary Interview Scene)
JAY
(to camera)
Ive got money. And when someone
pops back into my life and asks for
a favor, it usually means he sees
me as the Bank of Jay. But
apparently, Tony sees me as
something else entirely.
15.
EXT. BEACH - DAY
JAY
Wait. You have a daughter?
TONY
Well. Biologically speaking, yes.
JAY
Well, biologically speaking, what
the hell do you want me to do? Im
a closet salesman--not a biologist.
TONY
My daughter. Shes, uh--her names
Jeannie. Shes 25. She sells
cosmetics. And she lives in West
Torrance.
JAY
Tony--you sound like youre
introducing her on Wheel of
Fortune.
TONY
Im gonna go see her for the first
time. Can you come with me?
JAY
What for?
TONY
Just be there, and make things move
along smoothly. Facilitate.
Facilitate the whole thing. Ask
some questions and stuff.
JAY
Tony. Im a closet salesman--not
Dr. Phil. Im not the right guy for
the job.
TONY
Come on, Jay. Im not asking you to
be a therapist. Im asking you to
be you. Jay Pritchett. Family man,
and my friend. Thats all I need.
JAY
What is she gonna think when she
sees us together? Shes probably
gonna think were gay.
16.
TONY
Again with the homophobia!
JAY
Once again, my gay son proves that
Im not homophobic.
TONY
Listen. If you dont go with me,
Im not going. I mean, it was hard
enough for me to ask you to go with
me. I had to take you to a freaking
beach! Because I couldnt ask you
at your house or in the car. But I
just--if you dont come with me,
Im driving back to San Jose, and
thats it. Jay--you have a great
relationship with your daughter. I
have no relationship with mine. Do
you understand whats going on
here?
JAY
You know, the crackhouse closes at
5. If we leave now, we can still
make it.
INT. MITCH AND CAMERONS HOME - DAY
Phil, Claire, Mitch, Cameron, TOM (50), and SUSAN (47) are
seated at a dinner table with filled wine glasses.
CAMERON
So Susan. Claire and Mitch tell me
that in high school, you were voted
most likely to succeed.
SUSAN
Yeah. That title was actually a
little off. They shouldve named me
most likely to divorce.
(to Tom)
Ive been divorced twice. Did Mitch
and Claire mention that to you?
MITCH
Susan--are you sure you want to
start off your date by talking
about your divorces?
17.
SUSAN
Oh. Right. How silly of me. Thats
not appropriate for a first date.
(to Tom)
When should I talk about my
divorces, Tom? How about on our
second date, right after we have
sex?
TOM
(half taken aback, half
joking)
Um. Well, after sex, I usually like
to talk about my feelings.
SUSAN
Oh. Thats gonna be a problem.
Because after sex, I like to talk
about how much I hate men.
INT. MITCH AND CAMERONS HOME - DAY
(Documentary Interview Scene)
Mitch and Cameron are seated on the sofa.
MITCH
(to camera)
Apparently, fixing up two divorced
people isnt really an exact
science.
CAMERON
(to camera)
Yeah. Because sometimes one of them
starts off a date by reciting her
anti-man manifesto.
INT. MITCH AND CAMERONS HOME - DAY
SUSAN
(to everyone)
So. What do you guys like to do
after sex?
PHIL
I like to cuddle.
CLAIRE
Lets change the subject.
18.
PHIL
I got one.
(to Susan)
You and Tom have do something in
common. Youve both been divorced.
SUSAN
Wow. What a small world. How many
times have you been divorced?
TOM
Once.
SUSAN
Youre an amateur. Im a
professional. You dont know
anything about divorces.
CLAIRE
Lets change the subject.
PHIL
I got another one. In high school,
Tom was voted best athlete.
(to Claire)
Thats a good topic--right honey?
SUSAN
(to Tom)
What sports did you play?
TOM
Track and baseball.
SUSAN
Wow. What a small world. My first
ex-husband loves baseball. He used
to watch it every night, so he
wouldnt have to pay attention to
me or treat me like an actual
person. So, uh--what position did
you play?
PHIL
Dont answer that question, Tom.
Im pretty sure its a trap.
19.
EXT. PARK - DAY
TONY
She should he here by now. Do you
think she backed out?
JAY
Explain to me again why were doing
this at the park.
TONY
Because she doesnt know me. I
cant just show up at her
apartment. Especially with you.
That would be weird.
JAY
Well why didnt you just have her
come to the beach?
TONY
The beach? That would be weird.
JAY
You know whats really weird? The
fact that Im standing here next to
a seesaw, about to host an episode
of the Dr. Phil show.
JEANNIE (25, athletic) walks up to them.
JEANNIE
(to Tony)
Hi.
TONY
Hi. Are you Jeannie?
JEANNIE
Yeah.
TONY
Jeannie. This is my friend Jay.
JAY
Hi.
TONY
Were not gay.
JEANNIE
OK.
20.
TONY
Jays just here because... this is
what he does. Hes like a
therapist. Sort of. Except he sells
closets.
JAY
Yeah. I sell closets. ... So
Jeannie--your father has been
looking really forward to meeting
you.
JEANNIE
(skeptical)
Really?
TONY
Yeah. I have. I wouldve met you a
long time ago. I shouldve. But.
You know.
JAY
Better late than never. So, uh,
your father tells me you sell
cosmetics.
JEANNIE
Yeah. Ive been working at Macys
for the past three years.
TONY
Three years? You already got me
beat. Ive never held a job for
more than two years.
JEANNIE
That doesnt surprise me. You know.
Based on the little that I know
about you.
JAY
I think what hes saying is that
hes impressed by you.
TONY
Yeah. Im impressed. I mean, I know
Im not your father father. But if
I were your father father, Id tell
you that Im proud of you. I uh--I
guess that doesnt mean much to
you, since Im not your father
father.
21.
JEANNIE
Honestly, I dont know what it
means to me.
TONY
Right. I understand. I mean, Im
trying to understand. Do--do you
understand?
JEANNIE
Sort of.
JAY
So. What else do you do besides
working at Macys?
JEANNIE
Well. I, uh--I work out a lot. Im
thinking of becoming a personal
trainer.
JAY
You know. You look really athletic,
the way your father did back in the
day. When we were in high school,
one time we had a pull up contest.
He bet me he could do twice as many
as I could. He won.
TONY
You want a rematch?
JAY
Well. I can do zero pulls ups right
now. Can you do twice as many as
that?
TONY
Lets see.
They walk over to a nearby pull up bar. Tony does three pull
ups.
JAY
(to Jeannie)
You want to try?
Jeannie gets on the bar, and does six pull ups.
JAY
You doubled him. Its too bad you
didnt make a bet with him, the way
we did in in high school. Otherwise
(MORE)
22.
JAY (contd)
right now, hed have to pay you 20
bucks, and wear a skirt to Mrs.
Carters history class. Like I did.
TONY
By the way, Jay--you looked very
pretty in that skirt.
JAY
(to Jeannie)
Were not gay.
INT. MITCH AND CAMERONS KITCHEN - DAY
CAMERON
What the hell is with your friend?
MITCH
I dont know. Shes usually not
this bitchy.
CAMERON
Well how bitchy is she usually?
MITCH
Like maybe a quarter of what shes
been today.
CAMERON
Great. The Next time we play the
heterosexual version of matchmaker,
Im instituting a "no bitch"
policy. ... I cant believe the six
of us have already finished two
bottles of wine.
MITCH
How can you not believe that? Every
word that comes out of Susans
mouth makes we want to drink a
bottle of wine.
Mitch walks out with two new wine bottles in hand.
INT. CAR - DAY
TONY
That was, uh... Thank you.
23.
JAY
Youre welcome.
TONY
What now?
JAY
Well. How about you help me move a
a few sofas?
TONY
You know. Shes a nice girl.
JAY
She is.
TONY
Maybe Ill stick around door a
while in the city. I mean, I got
family here now. Plus, Im dating
your wifes 18 year old niece.
JAY
You can stay here--but dont come
to me for bail money.
TONY
I gotta come to you. I cant ask my
daughter for bail money. That would
be weird.
INT. MITCH AND CAMERONS HOME - DAY
TOM
(to Susan)
You know--we have something else in
common. My ex-wife used to watch a
lot of TV--just like your
ex-husband. She didnt watch
baseball, though. She watched
Friends. You know. The show with
Chandler, and five other assholes I
cant stand.
SUSAN
The biggest assholes on that show
are the three guys.
CAMERON
(quietly to Mitch)
She thinks Ross is an asshole.
24.
MITCH
So uh--Claire, Phil. Youre a
happily married couple. With kids.
How are your kids?
PHIL
Good. Haleys engaged.
MITCH
Shes what?
PHIL
Well. Shes not engaged engaged.
Shes with a guy were gonna force
her to get engaged to.
MITCH
I see. I didnt know you were into
arranged marriages.
CLAIRE
Were not gonna force her. Were
gonna encourage her. And maybe
offer John a dowry of some sort.
PHIL
Speak for yourself, Claire. Im
gonna use force. Because I think I
love John. And I know I hate
everyone pre-John.
CLAIRE
Yeah. Im not too fond of the
pre-Johns.
SUSAN
I take it that your daughter has
had a few bad boyfriends.
PHIL
Oh yeah. For a while, she was
dating this awful Guadalajaran boy.
SUSAN
Guadalajaran?
PHIL
Fernando--a.k.a. Dylan. Dont get
us wrong--we love Latino people. In
fact, Claires father is married to
a charming, wonderful Colombian
girl.
25.
SUSAN
Dont you mean Colombian woman?
PHIL
Uh. Not quite. She just had her
quincenera.
CLAIRE
Phil!
PHIL
What? Your fathers wife is a
little on the young side.
CLAIRE
(to Susan)
She didnt just have her
quincenera. Shes 41.
SUSAN
You mean your stepmother is younger
than you?
PHIL
The point is, I love John.
TOM
Yeah. John sounds great.
Susan--maybe he has a brother you
can date.
PHIL
Oh no. He has one brother--and
were gonna force our other
daughter to marry him.
SUSAN
John does seem like a great guy. He
seems like a great guy.
PHIL
Um. Do you know John?
SUSAN
Lets just say Im familiar with
guys who seem like great guys.
PHIL
I take it that theyre not great
guys?
26.
SUSAN
Well. Let me just say this. Youre
a real estate guy. Did you do your
due diligence with John?
PHIL
I dont think I need to. I
mean--hes John.
SUSAN
Is he?
PHIL
Isnt he?
SUSAN
I dont know. Is he?
PHIL
Claire. Is John John?
CLAIRE
I dont know. Is he?
INT. JAY & GLORIAS HOME - NIGHT
Jay and Tony walk in.
GLORIA
Did you guys have a good time?
TONY
Yeah.
GLORIA
OK, Jay. Empty your pockets. I want
to make sure theres no crack in
them.
JAY
Honey--relax. We finished all of
the crack at the crackhouse.
TONY
Anyways, I gotta get going. Jay.
Um.
Tony tears up and hugs Jay. Gloria looks confused. Tony
leaves.
27.
GLORIA
I didnt know crack could make you
so emotional.
INT. - DUNPHY HOME - NIGHT
Claire gets off the phone.
CLAIRE
That was Mitch. Apparently, Tom and
Susan ended up hitting it off not
long after they left.
PHIL
How is that possible? How is it
possible that any man could hit it
off with Susan? How is it possible
that Susans two ex-husbands arent
in prison for murdering her?
CLAIRE
Love works in mysterious ways.
PHIL
Well. I guess Susan was wrong about
men. She doesnt hate them, and
some of the ones who seem like
great guys are great guys.
CLAIRE
Except for you. You seem like a
great guy, and youre actually a
perfect guy. By the way--stop
putting empty milk cartons in the
refrigerator, and go make me that
sandwich I asked for.
Haley walks in.
PHIL
So how was your date? Did John tell
you that he loves you?
HALEY
Lets just say the date was very
educational.
CLAIRE
Educational? Uh... How so? Did he
teach about the War of 1812?
28.
HALEY
I learned some stuff about John.
PHIL
Um. Does he have a tattoo?
HALEY
No. He has a wife.
PHIL
Wait. The two of you eloped?
HALEY
No. Im not his wife, daddy. Hes
married to someone else.
CLAIRE
I see. Honey. Im sorry. Dont
worry. Youre gonna find someone
much better.
PHIL
I think you should continue seeing
John.
CLAIRE
Phil!
PHIL
Im just saying. If you stop and
weigh the pros and cons, youll see
that the whole "hess married"
thing isnt really a dealbreaker.
CLAIRE
The "hes married" thing is always
a dealbreaker.
HALEY
Indeed.
PHIL
Well. He might leave his wife.
CLAIRE
Phil!
PHIL
Claire! Youre underestimating what
a great girl Haley is. John will
leave his wife for her.
29.
HALEY
Daddy. Thank you for calling me a
great girl. But Im done with John.
Ill find someone else.
PHIL
Well. ... OK. But you gotta know
where to find the best guys. Stay
away from sleazy bars. And college
parties. And the city of
Guadalajara. You might run into
Fernando.
HALEY
Dont worry. Im not gonna get back
together with Dylan. Even though he
keeps on texting me.
PHIL
(to Claire)
Parent conference.
He pulls her aside.
PHIL
Honey--tomorrow Im gonna male you
that sandwich, and youre gonna
change Haleys cell phone number.
And then well both pay Johns wife
a visit, and encourage her to get a
divorce.
INT. JAY & GLORIAS HOME - NIGHT
Hay and Gloria are sitting on the couch, watching TV.
GLORIA
So. Today was... weird.
JAY
Yeah. That pretty much sums it up.
GLORIA
Did you have fun playing Dr. Phil
in the park?
JAY
Yeah. It was kind of like
Shakespeare in the park--except it
wasnt a long, stupid play that I
dont understand.
30.
GLORIA
So now your friend has a daughter.
JAY
Yeah. A new baby girl. 120 pounds,
4 ounces, 6 pull ups. You know, I
think I liked being in the delivery
room. I mean--it had a few
unpleasant moments. But it was
alright.
GLORIA
I guess I was a little wrong about
your friend. Hes not that much
like my Uncle Julio.
JAY
Yeah. Hes been in jail fewer times
than Julio.