Gasonga Jokes May 2003

Get Ready for more gasps of delight with

Gasonga Jokes

May 2003 – Issue 10

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Version date: May 2003

Collated by: http://gasonga.com/

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Gasonga Jokes May 2003

Bestsellers for Alfonso Azpiri from Amazon.com

Lorna and Her Robot

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Lorna Leviathan
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Wet Dreams (Lorna)
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Lorna: The Ark
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Azpiri Sketchbook
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Lorna Mouse Club
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Gasonga Jokes May 2003

Oxymoron’s

Act naturally
Found missing
Resident alien
Advanced BASIC
Airline food
Good grief
Same difference
Almost exactly
Government organization
Alone together
Silent scream
Living dead
Small crowd
Business ethics
Soft rock
Military Intelligence
Software documentation
New classic
Sweet sorrow
"Now, then ..."
Passive aggression
Taped live
Clearly misunderstood
Extinct Life
Temporary tax increase
Computer jock
Terribly pleased
Computer security
Political science
Tight slacks
Pretty ugly
Diet ice cream
Working vacation
Exact estimate
Microsoft Works

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.

Apparently the ceremony wasn’t up to much, but the reception was great!

Q: At what time do most people want to see the dentist?

A: At tooth hurty

Q: When a man banged his head on a doorframe and sued, what did his lawyer advise?
A: To settle for a lump sum.

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Q: What did the coach say to his losing team of snakes?

A: You can’t venom all.

Q: What happened when a music store was robbed?

A: The thief made away with the lute.

Did you hear about the man that’s tried to build a gearbox for his car using nothing but
dried grass? Apparently it didn’t work because he was clutching at straws.

In the spirit of reconciliation and reconstruction a number of towns in Iraq are going to
be renamed. In a local competition the following suggestions where made:

• Wherz-Myroof
• Mykamel-Izded
• OKraph-Dissizbad
• Waddi-El-Izgowinon
• Pleez-Ztopdibomin
• Kizz-Yerbuht-Goodbi
• Ikantstan-Disnomore
• Wha-Tahel-Wazi-Tinkin
• Mieturbin-Izburnin
• Arheddis Varkentoon
• nayda Zheet Butmaboggon

“Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I’m a bridge!”

“What’s come over you man?”
“Oh, two cars, a large truck and three bicycles.”

Q: How do you know when a farmer is a real expert?

A: He’s outstanding in his field.

Q: What’s it like eating in a restaurant on the moon?

A: The food’s great, but there’s no atmosphere.

Q: What did one mountain say to his friend after an earthquake?

A: It’s not my fault!

Q: Why are disobedient dogs and dumb doctors alike?

A: Neither one can heel!

Q: Where do space bees go after they get married?

A: On a honeymoon.

Q: What did Adam say to Eve about his leaf?

A: I’ll wear the plants in this family!

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The Elevator

As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Smith became increasingly furious with her
husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.
As the elevator stopped at the ground floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr.
Smith, and said, “That will teach you to pinch!”
Bewildered, Mr. Smith was halfway to the car park with his wife when he choked,
“I...I...didn't pinch that girl.”
“Of course you didn’t” his wife replied consolingly. “I did!”

A son

A couple have eight daughters and desperately want a son. On their ninth attempt they
are finally blessed with a boy. They are so overjoyed that they invite all their friends to
a lavish party to celebrate the birth. While the party is in full swing one of the guests
approaches the father to congratulate him. “So tell me,” he says, “who does your little
boy take after? Does he look like you, or his mum?” The father thinks for a while and
says, “Well, to be honest, I don't know. We haven’t looked at his face yet!”

Q: What do men and clouds have in Common?

A: When they both clear off it would be a nice day!

The future

A retired couple are discussing all aspects of their future. “What will you do if I die
before you do?” the husband asks.
After some thought, the wife replies, “I’ll probably look for a house share with three
other single women. It might fun to share with women a little younger than myself, as
I’ve always been so active.”
“What will you do if I die first?” the wife asks.
We a cheeky smile the husband replies, “Probably the same.”

Doctor: I have some good news and some bad news.

Patient: Tell me the bad news first doc.
Doctor: I’m really sorry, but we’ve amputated your legs by mistake.
Patient: You’ve what! Amputated my legs. What the hell is the good news?
Doctor: The guy in the next bed wants to buy your slippers.

Did you hear about the porn film director that wanted to make a movie about bondage,
necrophilia and bestiality?
He couldn’t get backing for the idea, as people said he was flogging a dead horse.

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Gasonga Jokes May 2003

Viagra

A middle-aged man walks into a super market and asks for the pharmacy counter. When
he reaches the counter, he asks the pharmacist.
“Do you sell Viagra?”
“Yes, we do.” Replies the pharmacist.
“Do you think I could get it over the counter?” The pharmacist looks at him for a
moment and then says, “Well, if you took 5 or 6 pills at once, yea may be.”

Lady Godiva

Lady Godiva returns from her famous ride in the nude and her husband meets her.
“Where have you been?” he asks.
“You know perfectly well,” she says, “I have been riding naked through the streets, in
order to shame you into reducing those dreadful taxes.”
“I know that,” says the husband, “but that damned horse of yours got back two hours
ago!”

Sex therapist.

A guy goes to see a therapist. During the session, the therapist asks,
“So, how’s your sex life?”
“I have a lot of issues with sex,” the guy replies.
“What kind of issues?” the therapist asks.
“Oh, mostly Daily Sport and Playboy.”

The Secrets to a Happy Marriage

1. Find a woman that cooks and cleans.

2. Find a woman that makes good money.
3. Find a woman that like hot sex.
4. And the important point never let these three women meet.

Q: How do you know when an Essex girl is having an orgasm?

A: She drops her kebab.

Crocodile Blues

A Crocodile goes to see doctor. He says, “Doc, please help me. My wife’s going to leave
me for another guy, if I can’t solve my problem. I can’t get an erection anymore!”
“Hum interesting.” Says the doc, “It sounds like a case of Reptile dysfunction.”

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Gasonga Jokes May 2003

King Arthur and the chastity belt

King Arthur is in Merlin’s office getting a demonstration of the wizard’s latest creation.
It’s a chastity belt with a difference; it has a rather large hole in the crutch area.

“Merlin, this is useless” the King exclaims, “Look at this opening. How is this supposed to
protect my lady, while I’m away on a quest?”
“Observe.” says Merlin as he picks up a carrot and inserts it into the chastity belt’s
opening. A razor sharp blade flicks across the opening and guillotine’s the carrot cleanly
in two.
“Merlin my man, you’re a genius!” says the grateful king. “Now I can leave for my quest,
knowing that my Queen is fully protected.”
The very next day King Arthur puts Guinevere in the belt and sets out on a quest.

Several months pass before Arthur return’s to Camelot. Immediately he assembles his
knights in the courtyard and asks them to drop their pants. Arthur’s worst suspicions
are confirmed. All but one of his knights have amputated or damaged dicks.
“Sir Galahad,” shouts King Arthur. “You are my only trustworthy knight! Name whatever
you desire. If it’s in my power to grant it, its yours!”
But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless!

A saint

Two evil brothers were rich, and used their money to conceal their Evil ways. They
attended church and looked like perfect Christians to most people. But, when their
pastor retired the new man could see right through their deception. The pastor was a
good man and only ever spoke the true. He was so popular that a fundraising campaign
was started to build a new church.

Suddenly, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother asked the pastor to conduct
the funeral. He handed him a cheque for the amount needed to build the new church. “I
have only one condition,” says the bother. “At the funeral, you must say my brother was
a saint.” The pastor gave his word, and deposited the cheque.

The next day, at the funeral, the pastor didn’t hold back. “He was an evil man. He
cheated on his wife and abused his family.” After going on in this vein for some time, he
concluded with, “But compared to his brother, he was a saint.”

European guide books

Did you hear about the bloke that is reviewing all the brothels in Europe?
He’s going to call the book he’s writing ‘The Muff Guide to Europe’

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Gasonga Jokes May 2003

Be nice to little old ladies …

LAWYER: What’s your age?

OLD LADY: I’m 68.
LAWYER: Tell us, in your own words, what happened to you, on the day in question.
OLD LADY: Well I was, sitting there on a park bench on a warm spring evening, when a
young man came creeping up and sat down beside me.
LAWYER: Did you know him?
OLD LADY: No, but he was very friendly.
LAWYER: What happened after he sat down?
OLD LADY: He started to rub my thigh.
LAWYER: Did you stop him?
OLD LADY: No, I didn’t.
LAWYER: Why not?
OLD LADY: Well, It felt good. No one has done that since my husband passed away some
10 years ago.
LAWYER: What happened next?
OLD LADY: He began to rub my breasts.
LAWYER: Did you stop him then?
OLD LADY: No, I didn’t stop him.
LAWYER: Why not?
OLD LADY: Well his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven’t felt that good
in years!
LAWYER: What happened next?
OLD LADY: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just lay down and said to him. “Take me
young man. Take me!”
LAWYER: Did he take you?
OLD LADY: Hell, no. He just yelled, “April Fool!” ...And that’s when I shot the little punk.

Soup

A guy walks into a restaurant and orders some soup. It takes a while before the soup to
arrive and when it does it’s too hot. While waiting for the soup to cool, the guy needs to
go to the bathroom. But before he leaves the table he thinks,
‘While I’m in the bathroom, somebody might eat the soup. What can I do?’ He has this
flash of insight, and he pulls out of his pocket a pen and paper. He writes,
‘I’ve spat into the soup!’
After putting the note next to the soup, our clever guy runs quickly to the bathroom.
But horror, when he returns, he sees an addition in pencil on the note. It reads
‘Me too.’

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Gasonga Jokes May 2003

Spend, Spend, Spend.

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. When a cell phone on a bench rings, a
man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.

MAN: “Hello.”
WOMAN: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
MAN: “Yes.”
WOMAN: “I’m at the mall and I’ve found a beautiful leather coat. It’s only £500. Can I
buy it?”
MAN: “OK, go ahead if you like it that much.”
WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new models. I saw one
I really liked.”
MAN: “How much is it?”
WOMAN: “£35,000”
MAN: “For that price I want it with all the options.”
WOMAN: “Great! One more thing...the house we wanted last year is back on the market.
They’re only asking £275,000.”
MAN: “Well, then go ahead and put in an offer for £260,000.”
WOMAN: “OK. See you later! Love you!”
MAN: “Bye, I love you, too.”

The man hangs up. The other men are looking at him in astonishment. Then he asks

MAN: Any idea who this phone belongs to?

Hot sex

A guy falls asleep on the beach and while he’s asleep the wind gets up and blows sand all
over. The only thing that’s exposed to the sun is his big toe.

A randy girl is walking on the beach desperate to get off, when she sees the toe sticking
up. She’s so desperate she pulls off her bikini bottoms, squatted over the toe and
satisfies her self with it.

The next day the guys notices his foot is itching like hell. He goes to the Doctors. After
taking a look the doc says, “You’ve go syphilis of the big toe.”
“Syphilis of the big toe? Wow that must be rare.” Says the guy.
“Sure is.” Says the doc “But you’d be amazed with the kind of things I get in here.
Earlier this morning I had a woman with a case of athlete’s crutch.”

Bowling

Apparently there’s some evidence that William Tell and his family enjoyed bowling.
Unfortunately, all bowling records from his day were destroyed in a fire. So no way of
knowing for whom the Tells bowled.

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Gasonga Jokes May 2003

Timetables

A rail commuter is standing on a platform getting increasingly annoyed as he listens to

announcements about late and cancelled trains. Seeing a railway worker he marches over
to him and says, “You tell me, just what is the point of having a time table if the trains
are always late?”
“Well,” says the railway worker, “If we didn’t have a timetable, how would you know they
are late?”

HRT

A woman goes to the doctor for a check-up, as she’s worried about the side effect of a
male hormone she’s been prescribed.
“Doctor, the testosterone you’ve given me has really helped my complaint. But, I’m
worried that the dose is too strong. I’ve started growing hair in places that I’ve never
noticed it before.”
“A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect,” the doctor says reassuringly.
“Just where’s this hair appeared?”
“Well,” the woman replies, “It mainly on my balls.”

Growing Pains

A guy notices that his penis has started to grow larger and staying erect longer. He’s
delighted and so is his wife. But, after several weeks his penis has grown to nearly
twenty inches, so he starts to get concerned. So he goes to see a Doctor with his wife.
After an examination, the Doctor explains, “Don’t worry. Your condition can be fixed by
corrective surgery.”
“How long will my husband be on crutches?” the wife asks anxiously.
“Crutches? Why would he need crutches?” asks the surprised doc.
“Well,” says the wife, “you’re planning on lengthening his legs, aren’t you?”

Who am I?

A dirty little boy walks into the kitchen after playing on a muddy field and asks his
mother, “Who am I?”
Ready to play the game his mum replies, “I don't know! Who are you?”
“Oh No!” cries the boy. “Mrs. Jones was right! She said I’m so dirty, even my own mother
wouldn’t recognize me.”

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Gasonga Jokes May 2003

The dentist

A woman walks into the dentist’s office, takes off her knickers, sits down on the chair
and spreads her legs wide open.
“You must have made a mistake,” the shocked dentist says, “The gynaecologist’s office is
one floor up.”
“There’s no mistake,” woman replies, “You installed my husband’s dentures yesterday, so
I’m hoping you’ll be able to get them out today.”

Mary and Jack

A guy is told that he has to sack at least one of his employees. So he narrows the
decision to two of his team, Jack or Mary. He decides to speak to each one privately,
and let their reactions help guide his decision.

Firstly he calls in Jack and explains the situation. Jack says, “I don’t want to lose my
job, but I understood your situation.”

Next he calls in Mary and says, “Mary, I’ve got a problem. By the end of the day, I’ve got
to lay you or Jack off.” Mary sharply replies, “Then you’re gonna have to jack off,
buster, cause I’ve got a headache!”

Two old guys

Two old guys are arguing about their doctors. The first one says, “I don’t trust that guy
you see. He treated old Fred Smith for a kidney complaint for nearly a year, and then
Fred died of a liver cancer.”
“So what makes you think your doctor’s any better?” his friend asks.
“Hell, if my doctor treats you for a kidney complaint, you can be sure you’ll die of it.”

She came to me

A guy walks into a pub and says to the bartender,

“I’ll have a double Whisky. I just had a fight with the wife.”
“Oh yeah,” replies the bartender. “How did it end?”
“When it was over,” the guy says, “She came to me on her hands and knees.”
“Really? Now that’s a switch! What did she say?”
“She said, ‘come out from under that table, you weasel.’”

Did you hear about the guy that cut myself shaving?
Fortunately, he got help in the nick of time.

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Gasonga Jokes May 2003

The new patient

While acquainting himself with an elderly patient the student doctor asks,
“How long have you been bedridden?” The lady, hard of hearing, looks at him with an
expression of complete confusion.
“I’m not sure that’s any of your business,” she replies, “But since you’ve asked it’s been
about ten years, when my husband was alive.”

Clinton Jokes

Q: What's the difference between Monica Lewinsky and the rest of us?
A: When we want some dick in the White House, we just vote.

Q: What does Clinton like more that roses on his piano?

A: Tulips on his organ.

Q: If Monica were a bird, what kind would she be?

A: A swallow.

Q: Why can’t Monica become a spy?

A: Because she spits everything out when the debriefing’s done.

What Bra Type?

A man walked into a ladies underwear store and shyly approaches an assistant.
“I’d like to buy a bra for my wife,” he says.
“OK. What type would you like?” she asks.
“Type? You mean there’s more than one?” puzzles the guy.
“Well to be honest, there are really only three types,” replies the assistant. “The
Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen and the
spin-doctor makes mountains out of mole hills.”

End

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