THE SADDEST RESTAURATEUR (DIVORCE DELI)
A sketch written by
Brad Cook
Mason Stillwell
Michael Kaitis
INT. AMYS SANDWICHES - EVENING
A middle-aged COUPLE enters the empty restaurant holding
hands, grinning at each other. A MAN in his twenties greets
them from behind the bar as they sit.
JOHN
Hey guys! Im John. Hows it going?
CARL
Great, were doing real well.
JOHN
Good, thats good, you guys look
like youre doing good. I used to
look like that. So whatll ya have?
They open their menus.
CARL
You know, I think we might need a
minute.
JOHN
Of course. Take your time.
John stares blankly at the family photographs adorning the
walls as they scan the options. Jess points at a menu item.
JESS
This sounds good.
JOHN
Oh. Yeah, that was my ex-wifes
favorite, too. Actually shouldnt
be on there, we dont serve that
anymore. Listen to me, still saying
we like Im not completely alone.
He beams at them with an inappropriate smile. Jess glances at
Carl, trying to hide how uncomfortable she is.
JESS
...You dont serve a tuna sandwich?
JOHN
The smell just reminded me too much
of her, yknow?
A hint of disgust flashes across Carls face. He drops his
eyes back to the menu.
JOHN (CONTD)
Yeah, she took it all. I aint got
much these days, just me and the
ol shop. And now you guys!
CARL
Well, Im ready to order.
(to Jess)
You?
JESS
No, I still dont--
Carl kicks her leg.
JESS (CONTD)
Actually, Ill take the Sunny-Side
Upwich?
JOHN
I used to have a sunny side. Thats
where the name came from. Things
are darker now. Youll learn that.
Carl and Jess avoid eye contact with him.
CARL
(timid)
Ill have the pulled pork.
JOHN
Pal, you dont know the half of it.
Theyll pull ya this way, theyll
pull ya that way. Theyll pull
everything but your pork.
John gestures at Jess.
JOHN (CONTD)
You like pulling his pork? You guys
still do that? Course you do,
youre young, youre together.
Youre not married yet, are you?
He busts out laughing a little too hard.
JESS
Not until May. I always wanted a
spring wedding.
Carl whispers out of the side of his mouth:
CARL
Dont egg him on.
2.
JOHN
Yeah, yeah, eggs, I got it.
He calls out to the empty kitchen:
JOHN (CONTD)
Hey Amy! One Sunny-Side Upwich! Oh
wait, thats right, you never
worked a day in your life!
CARL
So could we--
JOHN
You never worked here, just like
you NEVER LOVED ME! Wheres Gary,
huh Amy? Maybe Gary can help me
make sandwiches so I can pay the
alimony bills you left me with!
CARL
(insistently)
Can we get those sandwiches to-go,
please?
JOHN
I used to have somewhere to go. Now
I sleep here. Got a little cot in
the back. I never knew how hard it
is to sleep without a pillow.
Jess rifles through her purse, finds her phone.
JOHN (CONTD)
I toss, I turn. Sometimes I use a
ham hock, and that helps. Dont
worry, though. I run it under hot
water when I wake up, sterilize it.
Carl pounds his fist on the bar.
CARL
Listen you sad sack of whipped
honeybitch, go get my sandwich!
JESS
Carl! Not again...
JOHN
Whoa, you wouldnt happen to know
my ex-wife, would you? Because Ive
heard that one before!
3.
CARL
No, but Im starting to understand
why she left.
JOHN
Now youre getting it.
JESS
Thats a low blow, Carl. Stop it.
Cant you see hes broken?
CARL
The man is an emotional terrorist,
Jess! This is a hostage situation!
JOHN
Speak for yourself, bub. Im in the
thick of the American dream here.
CARL
Youre pathetic. If I wasnt with
my girlfriend, who I totally love,
Id cold-cock you one in the jaw.
Carl thinks a moment.
CARL (CONTD)
You know what--
He jumps up and over the bar and tackles John to the floor.
Jess rips the napkin off her lap and crumples it.
JESS
Thats it, Carl! Im sick of your
bad attitude and your violent
tendencies and your hyperbole. I
dont need this in my life!
Carl stands, looking regretful.
CARL
Babe, hold on!
She throws the paper ball at his face.
JESS
Goodbye!
She storms off and out the door, which slams behind her.
Carl sighs, and makes a sound that starts as a groan but ends
up as a victory cheer.
4.
CARL
What a relief. Thanks for that,
man. Works every time! Bitches love
a victim.
Carl reaches behind the bar and grabs a mug, then fills it
with beer from the tap and chugs.
CARL (CONTD)
Youre a real pro.
JOHN
That hurts more than you know.
CARL
Just keep it up and Ill throw you
a bone now and then. Literally. Now
wheres that pulled pork?
Downtrodden, John heads to the back.
JOHN
Coming right up.
INT. AMYS SANDWICHES - BACK ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
John scans the canned goods on the shelves.
JOHN
Pork... pork... pork...
His finger stops on a can of StarKist Tuna.
He gazes into the smile of the whale mascot on the label.
Tears stream down his cheeks.
END.
5.
